The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Aren't you glad we don't have a screen on our foreheads displaying our every thought? Sometimes it might be useful, but I know there are lots of things that run through my mind every day that I would not want anyone to know about.

Caregiver's thoughts are busy - they have to be because we have so many things to work out every single day. Many times I've condemned myself for my own thoughts not realizing it really is the way we work through stuff. But there are lots of thoughts that simply cannot be shared with others. For the caregiver there can be lots of things that we choose not to share.

When I first brought my son home from the nursing home and started working with him full time, I realized how difficult life was for him. He struggles to do anything. I had some thoughts many would find unacceptable. The only one I dare share is that my thoughts were that it would've been better for him to die in the wreck rather than live this way. Immediately I condemned myself for thinking that only to do some research and find that it was totally normal to have those thoughts and emotions; they go with the grieving process. They are normal to have - but not normal to share.

I started thinking about this because this weekend during my personal devotions I found myself in Luke 7, a passage I've read probably thousands of times. But this time, I saw something different. It reads like this:

Now when the Pharisee who had invited Him (Jesus) saw this,
he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet He would know
who and what sort of person this woman is who is touching Him, 
that she is a sinner."
And Jesus answered him,

I stopped there because that's what grabbed me. The Pharisee was upset that Jesus was letting this "sinner" wash His feet and had these judgmental thoughts. They were just thoughts - but Jesus answered them. If He knows the thoughts of the Pharisee, don't you think He knows the heart and thoughts of those who love Him?

Psalm 139:3 says He is intimately acquainted with all my ways. He knows my thoughts, actions and even the intents of my heart. Verse 1 of this psalm says He understands my thoughts.  I will rest in that today - knowing that He knows my thoughts - the good, the bad and the ugly - and He understands them. He understands me, the caregiver.

Today I will rest in the fact that God understands me - He gets me; and He offers no condemnation. I will rejoice in the fact that He is intimately acquainted with all my ways and knows me inside out. I'm okay with that. My goal for today will be to relax and not try  futilely to  hide my thoughts. I'm going to let Him run around in my thoughts and heart all day unrestrained and yield to His presence in my life. Will you join me?

So Great a Love

One of the best things I have purchased as a caregiver is a baby monitor. I found I was not getting up as much throughout the night because if I heard my son I could glance at the monitor and just see if he needed me or was just moving around a bit. It also allowed me to go outside for my coffee and Bible study but still be able to keep an eye on him and hear him. This is very helpful especially on the mornings he chooses to sleep in a little bit.

As a caregiver for someone who needs help with just about everything but breathing I have to watch and listen for him constantly. There are not many breaks and this little monitor lets me hear and see him in a way that gives me a little bit of freedom too.

Just like I keep an eye on my son and an ear open for his every sound, God is always leaning in our direction. He always has His eye on us; and He is always listening for our voice. 2 Chronicles 16:9 states that the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is perfect toward Him. He is always looking for that opportunity to be strong in us and for us.

1 Peter 3:12 tells us that the ears of the Lord are over the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers. He listens for us. In my imagination I see Him standing in the heavenlies leaning over with his ear cupped with his hand listening for the faintest cry of the heart that is turned toward Him.

Just like we get tuned in to our loved ones and are anticipating their cry, moan, or any noises at all; and just like we watch over them day and night to help them when it's needed - God watches over us intently. Why? Because we are His children.

1 John 3:1 tells us that He loves us so much He calls us his children. He loves us and holds us by His side. In the same loving way we care for our loved ones He loves us and cares for us. I've said many times that I learned about His love by being a caregiver. Love keeps me by my son's side - just like love held Jesus to the cross for our sake.

Today I will meditate on how much He loves us. I'll think about the love I feel when I hold my son close and realize that He feels that same way about me. I will allow Him to hold me close today as I turn my thoughts to accepting the love He pours out on us, His children. Will you join me?

On this Journey

Ever have one of those days when you just need to be reminded that He is with you? I've had a few. He can send subtle reminders that He is near through a beautiful sunset, a rainbow stretched across the sky or the laughter of a child. Somehow these little lights in our day can help us remember that He is with us and He has not placed us on this earth and forgotten about us.

I try to remind myself that we have the promise that He will never leave or forsake us. That is found in Hebrews 13:5 but it's actually a quote from Deuteronomy 31. In this chapter Moses is prepping the Children of Israel for a shift in leadership. He first tells the people that God is not leaving or forsaking them. Then he turns to Joshua and tells him that God is going with him and will never leave or forsake him.

Then in Joshua 1:5 when God gives Joshua his charge He specifically tells Joshua again that He will never leave or forsake him on the journey. Hebrews is just a re-quote of what God told Joshua and the Children of Israel as they were preparing to go on into the promised land.

Something else that is in all three of these passages is the reminders to be strong and courageous; and to not be afraid. Since God has our back, what is there to fear? He is with us, no matter where we are in life's journey and therefore there is nothing to fear. We as caregivers can be forced to face many fears from what being able to provide for our loved ones, to providing proper care to what will happen when we are gone. But no matter what kinds of crazy thoughts (and even rational ones) go through our minds He is with us on this journey. You know, God is omnipresent; He is everywhere - He has to be with us - He has no where to go! (smile)

I just need to be reminded that He is with me right here, right now. I'll close out today with the words to a song I wrote many years ago - they seem appropriate.

How could such a great God dwell among us?
This mighty One of Israel
God of power and of all might
yet in our hearts He longs to dwell.

I can't comprehend His great presence
as heaven and earth He does fill
But His choice of habitation
is in a heart that is still.

Today my meditation will be on how God could be and live anywhere  but He chooses to live in me. I will meditate on the truth that He is with me because He wants to be; I will allow my heart to smile at His presence. Will you join me?

Attitude Latitude

One thing that I have learned as a caregiver is how much attitude comes into play. I think it really helps to choose to have a positive attitude. But sometimes our latitude or position as an advocate makes it difficult on our attitude. We are many times in positions where it takes some true grit to endure and to get things done on behalf of our loved ones.

Many would say that because of our latitude we have a "right" to let some things get out of control. I have to admit that there are days when it's a very big struggle to try and keep my attitude in line with Christian values. There are many emotions accompanying the caregiving package. We do get angry sometimes, sad at other times and emotions can just be all over the place some days. There's a lot on our plate every single day. But our attitude has a lot to do with how we handle an overloaded plate.

Running on overload does not excuse poor decisions or bad behaviors. We are still accountable for every word we say and responsible for where our thoughts roam Our attitude has a lot to do with how we live our days. I can get really down and have battled depression as a caregiver (some say it's part of the package too), but overall I tend to try to keep a positive attitude. It makes the day go somewhat smoother.

Psalm 57 is a passage that has a special place in my heart as I discovered it when battling a mystery illness in 1986. It described my emotions to a T as I felt like I was being swallowed up by sickness. Those around me thought I was dying. During that struggle this psalm brought me great comfort.

It's the second part of the psalm that stands out to me now. David says I will several times depending on the version you are reading. These are attitudinal declarations; he said:

I will sing and give praise
I will wake early
I will praise You
I will sing to You

Many times I've said that as caregivers we live in the furnace. We are constantly in the fires of life and they don't often let up. And even though it seems like it would be fair for us to be exempt in some areas, our attitude is still our choice, and we can't let our latitude determine it for us.

Today I will turn my thoughts to praising Him for what He has done. I will purposefully delight myself in Him. I'm going to guard my mouth a little more closely and work a little harder at staying positive in the fight. My thoughts will be on His goodness rather than the situation; and my meditations of Him will be sweet. Will you join me?

Who's Waiting on Who?

Caregivers often wake up tired, do you ever do that? It seems that if we are in bed for any length of time we should wake up refreshed and ready to go. 

We deal with so many different areas and are pulled in numerous directions everyday that it's easy to get and stay tired. Just because we became a caregiver doesn't mean that we stopped being everything else. Besides caregivers we are often also: grandparents, teachers, parents, sisters, children, siblings, athletes, homemakers, writers, and the list could go on. To be a caregiver we didn't have to stop being in all these other roles because as we learned real quick - life does go on.


Besides all the tasks associated with a normal life, we have caregiving chores too. And to be totally honest sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I stay tired too! (smile) I get tired of dealing with politics and health care stuff. 

...tired of dealing with social workers
...tired of dealing with aides that don't want to work
...tired of dealing with paperwork 
(the same paperwork over and over and over)
...tired of dealing with the system 
...tired of dealing with doctors who don't call back

I'm sure we each have our own items to add and our own lists. Sometimes it's not the actual caregiving that wears us out - it's all the stuff we have to put up with to do it. 

This morning I got up thankful that God does not get tired. I love the passage in Isaiah 40 that says this:
Have you never heard or understood?
Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God,
the creator of all the earth?
He never grows faint or weary.
No one can measure the depths of His understanding.
He gives power to those who are tired and worn out
He offers strength to the weak. (NLT)

That's just what I needed to hear this morning. He does not get tired. That means He doesn't get tired or weary of me getting tired and weary. He doesn't roll His eyes when I start whining again, or pouting. He just waits for me to come back around. He's not tired of me - He's not tired of my situation, He's not tired of me being tired. He gives me power when I an tired and worn out!


Today my meditation will be on His never ending strength and the fact that He waits for me to wait on Him so He can pour it into me. My thoughts will be on how He is the everlasting God  who does not get tired but gives strength and power to me. I will admit my weakness, and focus on His strength. Will you join me?


Reminders that Life is Fragile

As if caregiving by itself was not enough of a reminder of the fragility of life, there are plenty of new ones. Just Saturday I learned of three deaths. One was a long time family friend who actually named my daughter, another was a Facebook friend who brightened every day with humor, and the other was a local sportscaster tragically killed in an accident. These all left huge holes in my heart and reminded me that we cannot take a single day with our loved ones for granted.

As a caregiver, every day can be lived in pain - sometimes it's like everything hurts and even the small things are magnified. But when it's big things like watching your mom in the beginning stages of dementia or losing a close friend, it can be more difficult to handle.

Times are tough and emotions are high when you are a caregiver. Many days it takes everything we've got just to keep ourselves together to perform all the associated duties. Let one little (or big) unexpected thing happen and it can throw a wrench into everything and make it difficult to get gathered back up and composed. But yet, we do it again and again because life doesn't give any exemptions to caregivers. We have to keep on with our caregiving responsibilities and deal with the other things life wants to throw at us. Never mind considering our own frailty and fragility - but it is in the back of our mind. And life's reminders make me think of the fears I've shoved back where I don't have to think about them like what would happen to my son and parents if something happened to me?

2 Peter 1:3 tells us that He has given us everything we need for life and godliness. He fills us up with what we need to make another day. I think the trick is in acknowledging that life is fragile and so are we. That's the only way we can allow ourselves to become totally dependent on Him instead of on our own strength. We are caregivers - we know how to suck it up and keep moving. But we also know that if we don't do that - we might collapse into a bundle of nothingness. And just about the time we get it all together something like the sudden death of a friend or acquaintance knocks our props out from under us. It's actually the perfect set-up for us to remind ourselves that we must rely on Him instead of our own strength.

I will miss my friends, but I will remind myself that life is not a given. I know how just one phone call can change everything.

Today I will live with gratitude. I'll turn my thoughts to being thankful for my friends and family. My meditations will be on how I trust Him to give me everything needed to live life well and in Him. I will purposefully spend today thanking Him for the good things in life and shift my focus to the positives - and will not allow the negatives to steal from me today. I will turn my thoughts to His peace and comfort and allow them to rule in my heart and mind today. Will you join me?


Is it Okay to Sing Again?

As caregivers we know that days are full of lots of things. We can easily run on high all day long and still feel like we got nothing done at the end of the day. Perhaps part of this is due to the fact that we do the same things over and over and over day after day after day. This is the way it is when you are caring for another person. It can be a life of repetition with the caregiver doing everything for their loved ones and then those same things for themselves. It's endless, isn't it?

Sometimes I wonder just when it's all going to end. It feels like never. And if I am not carefully guarded, I can slip into a very depressed state and whine a lot. Not that it helps.

BC (Before Caregiving) I was a worship leader in the church. I stayed up on the latest trends in worship music and learned the newest songs. Tragedy has a way of robbing you of the things you love. For me one thing I loved was music. Actually, because my son was a musician prior to the accident, I couldn't even listen to music for a long time. It simply broke my heart. One down beat on the drum and I was a basket case fighting back tears. Over time I learned to suck it up as I made music a large part of his therapy. He responds well to it still, especially his music. I do still leave the room during some of the songs he wrote.

Recently I've been able to come back to enjoy music and particularly praise and worship. I have even returned to writing some music. I actually have the radio on in the van when we are traveling now. There's a song I had to get the words and chords to and have sat down to learn to play. It's amazing how a simple song can lift the heart when we are willing to be lifted.

Matt Redman is just one of the songwriters/lead worshipers I enjoy listening to. One of his latest songs is "Bless the Lord O My Soul." The song is well written in my opinion but the first verse is what stands out to me and it's become my prayer for today. It goes like this:

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again.
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me,
let me be singing with the evening comes.

As rough as the life of the caregiver can get I pray we can always sing bless the Lord O my soul! I like this verse because one phone call changed my entire life just about 7 years ago. I would like to say that I reacted with Job-like acts of worship, but that is simply not true. I tend to throw fits, scream and yell, punch the air and cuss a little (sometimes a lot) before I finally hit my knees. Finding a place to worship is not easy for the caregiver, but it can soften the heart. And this song reminds us that no matter what we face - we can still lift our hearts to God.

Today I will remind myself that God's position on His throne did not change when I became a caregiver. He is forever God no matter what happens on this earth - good or bad. My meditation will be of His endless lovingkindness, mercy and love toward us. I will let my heart return to worship today. Will you join me?

Big Shoulders

  One thing that I absolutely love about God is that He has big shoulders. He can handle anything I need to give to Him to carry. God's ...