Busy, Busy, Busy

There are so many areas caregivers can struggle with. We can experience bouts with fear, discouragement, depression, frustration, weariness, loss and deal with what I've learned is a living grief. We may feel helpless, hopeless or alone. And for me I went through a period of time when my faith was totally redefined.

On any given day we may have to work through any combination of emotions. And all of this is on top of what we have to do physically. I think it's safe to say we are busy - inside and out. For me, my emotions can be churning around inside like a roller coaster while on the outside I'm working my full time job, doing laundry, prepping meals, or helping my son with some type of therapy. I'm out of breath just thinking about it!

How do we slow down? How do caregivers find some sort of peace - inside or out? Is there even time for that? It's easy for someone on the outside to tell us we need to take a break. But rarely do they also offer to do anything to help us get that break. I actually contacted a house cleaning company to see how much it would cost to get some help. It was so expensive I'd have had to take on another job to pay for it!

So here I am again with my thoughts running a hundred to nothing. And once again I have to recognize that He knows my anxious thoughts. (Psalm 139:23) And I remind myself of 1 Peter 1:7 which tells me to give Him all my worries. I like the Amplified version which says: casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully]. 

So today as I struggle just trying to figure out how to live this busy life, once again I will stop. Take a breath. And give it all to Him. Honestly He is the only One who can make something out of this mess. Isaiah 61: 3 tells me that He is able to give beauty for ashes, and joy for mourning, and praise in place of despair. So once again, I wait.

Today I will purposefully wait on Him. I will un-busy myself enough to breathe and acknowledge His presence in my life and home. My thoughts will be on the peace He provides and I will wait for Him to bring beauty for ashes. I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Rambling Thoughts

Today is one of those days where I woke up and my thoughts were running away with me. Seriously, my thoughts are all over the place. When I first got up, something someone said yesterday started running around in my head and it went mentally viral from there.

I work for an SEO company - we work on websites. Its founder is a believer and a group of us meet online to pray for the company and all the employees. During that meeting yesterday, someone told me that God would restore these years to me. 

I know the guy meant well, but even as my heart can agree my head can't grasp that thought. My biggest question is How? I have become very familiar with the story of Job and everyone gets all excited at the end of the story about how God restored his fortunes (I had none of those before my story began! lol), and Job had 10 more kids! Yippee!!

I'm not overlooking or lessening the work God did in Job's heart and I understand the story had a good ending. But Job didn't get his first set of kids back either. That was a loss that could not be made up for. Let's be clear, I don't want any more kids - I'm too old for that!

When I think of "restoration," my mind goes to Joel and how he prophesied that God would restore all the cankerworm had destroyed. Caregiving can be like that worm that chips away at life one piece at a time. Can God put that back? Can He heal a living grief? Can He make restoration?

 I have to hold to God's word and know that He is able to restore in ways I don't even understand. And then....I just have to trust Him...for one more day. Then tomorrow, I'll trust Him for another. and so, in my crazy thoughts I come full circle back to the heart of the matter - trusting Him.

No matter how He chooses to restore, or what that looks like for each of us, it's all about finding that place of trust. Job said, even if God kills me, I will trust Him. So no matter what a day brings, or doesn't bring we have to keep our hearts in His and live in a continual state of waiting on Him.

Today I will picture my heart in His and do what I need to do to keep it there. My thoughts will be on trusting Him just for today, and I'll rest in that spot. I will give Him my concerns, my worries, my crazy thoughts and I will wait to see how He works on my behalf. I will trust Him for one more day - will you join me?




The Power of Determination

Over the weekend, I spent most of my study time reading in Daniel. For this week, he's my favorite Bible character, and I continue to learn from reading about his faith in the midst of his life's trial. Like caregivers, his trial didn't miraculously go away one day; it was a lifelong journey. Actually, the 12 chapters this book contains cover a lifetime of over 70 years. Sometimes we tend to read through it in a matter of a few minutes without realizing the time element.

70 years he was in captivity. He lost his family, his country and his life to become the servant of a king. While there is the good side of things - we can't minimize the losses he went through. He was young when he was carried away to Babylon but we see him develop into a man of God in the midst of extreme circumstances.

I literally lived in the ICU waiting room for 3 weeks before my son was moved to the floor of the hospital and during that time I prayed that whatever the outcome would be - I wouldn't become bitter. There had been many instances where I'd seen individuals go through tough times to come out bitter and angry in the end. And about 18 months later when I was able to re-establish a home and bring my son home finally - I prayed again that I would not become bitter but that I would be like many saints who let harsh circumstances develop and deepen their faith.

I don't know if I've accomplished that goal - but I see it in Daniel. In chapter one, it says he was determined not to eat the king's food. He did not want to violate his convictions - and he knew he could die. The king could kill him for his request; or he could starve to death! He could have been kicked out of the palace and placed with those who were not "chosen" by the king to serve. He risked a lot by making his unusual request.

And then years later we see a matured Daniel being told he could not pray to anyone but the king. And in chapter 6 verse 10 tells us this: when Daniel learned the law had been signed (that there was to be no prayer to anyone or any god but the king) he went home and knelt down as usual....and prayed! I love that!

I want to have the determination we see in Daniel. It was like nothing on the outside mattered, he was determined to serve God no matter what. The scriptures make no mention of him being bitter or angry at God for all that befell him. And in our "new world" thinking - he had every right to be. As caregivers the world gives us that right too. And I will admit - I've been angry at God, He and I have discussed it many times - and we don't have any details on what Daniel was thinking - perhaps he and God had discussed it too.

My prayer today is that over the years of this caregiving journey I end up like Daniel - with my face in His. I love the way Daniel took the king's decree in stride and once again followed his heart and conviction rather than just blindly doing whatever the king said. He wasn't obstinate, rebellious, or hateful. He just turned and went to his prayer spot just like before - as if the decree had never been made.

Today I will be thinking about Daniel and how determined he was to serve God in spite of his circumstances. My meditations will be on how I can work on relationship with God instead of being angry that He let bad things happen in my life. I will think about how He walks through it with me and never leaves me on my own. And for me, I'll even think about how patient He has been, and continues to be as I work through my issues. Today, I will embrace His grace and His presence and focus on Him instead of my circumstance. Will you join me?

Outside the Cave

It seemed as though Philippians 2 was written just for me this morning even though Paul penned it years ago to Christians in very different circumstances. I found a few nuggets to think about today, and a couple of them stung just a bit.

I ended up thinking about verse 1 a lot more than the others because these can be very real questions for the caregiver. The NLT reads Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? any fellowship together in the Spirit?  And Paul goes on to talk to the believers at Philippi asking them why they are not getting along.

While my focus isn't on getting along with other believers, I did think about these questions as a caregiver. Obviously, believing in Him hasn't kept difficult times from visiting. Knowing Him didn't "protect" us from being caregivers, and it didn't keep us from having to face some very difficult situations in life. Just think about Job - his faith didn't protect him from terrible things happening; but it did carry him through it.

So, we may still be asking if there is comfort and encouragement in Him. I have to say, "Yes!" He may even pour out a little bit more on us caregivers from time to time, knowing that it takes a bit more for us to make it through - and that is His ultimate goal. We don't get to escape caregiving, losses, or the grief that might be accompanying it for many - but He will walk us through it.

Paul goes on in this verse to ask the Philippians if they have fellowship. And if they are tenderhearted and sympathetic with each other. I can say I've found most caregivers to be very sympathetic. Why wouldn't we be? We get it. We understand each other's struggles most of the time and are familiar with the heart wrenching duties as well as the intense blessings that come with taking care of a loved one.

But what Paul says later on in verses 3 and 4 stuck out to me today. The NLT says Don't be selfish; don't live to make a good impression on others. Be humble; thinking of others better than yourself. Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. Is he serious? I have enough going on - enough of my own concerns; like making it through the day with my sanity in tact!

It can be so "easy" to withdraw into our caregiver's cave and forget about the rest of the world. We really do have enough on our plate to take care of - but let's not get absorbed into our own world and forget there are other hurting people out there, other caregivers out there. There's lots of other people out there who are hurting. Can you think of one? Pray for them today.

Today I'm going to be aware that I am not alone in my pain. I will make a list of those I know of who are hurting and pray for them specifically today. I'll think about how He comforts me in my pain, how He encourages me to keep the faith; and I'll pray that they experience his comfort, encouragement and peace today too. Will you join me in this venture out of the cave?

Full Package Deal

This morning my devotions led me to the gospel of John and I found myself reading through familiar chapters. I've always enjoyed 14-17, they are mostly Jesus' words and each verse seems to be so rich. But today I landed in chapter 15, verse 26.

The New Living Translation interpreted it this way:  But I will send you the Counselor - the Spirit of Truth. He will come to you from the Father and will tell you all about me.  My Bible has a footnote on "Counselor" which elaborates a bit. It says: or Comforter, or Encourager, or Advocate, Greek Paraclete. Today - this made my day!

There are two things that stuck out to me, first of all that Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth which to me means when I embrace Him I embrace truth. I won't be looking for words that just make me feel good, half-truths or anything but truth as I seek Him.

The second thing is that there are so many interpretations of the Greek word, Paraclete. Holy Spirit is sent to us, but He also lives in us. "Paraclete" can mean one who walks alongside; and I like that. But Jesus says He will be in us not just with us. But He is also our counselor - helping us find wisdom to make each decision caregivers have to make. And He is our comforter - to console us on those days we can't seem to get a handle on.

 He is also considered an encourager to offer us positives when the world around us seems to be mostly negatives. I love encouragers - they can say just the right thing to keep you going. When I ran the OKC half marathon a couple weeks back, the road was lined with people who encouraged the runners. They kept offering words that motivated us to keep going when it got tough. Holy Spirit knows just what to speak into our hearts to help us keep our morale up and keep going.

And He is our advocate. We are our loved one's advocate - or one who speaks on their behalf for their benefit. Holy Spirit can present our case to God when we are not even sure what to ask.

So there is SO much in this seemingly short phrase - I will send you the Counselor. As believers, we have Holy Spirit living inside of us to comfort, counsel, encourage, and advocate for our soul's deepest needs. It's a full package deal! God didn't say that because we are caregivers and Holy Spirit might have to work overtime so we don't get the package deal. Actually He pours out more grace on us and wants us to know that Holy Spirit can handle us and our stressful environment. We have all of Him and He has all of us!

Today I am going to think about the all-sufficiency of God. He really is all I need. I'm going to let Him deal with the feelings of loss that oftentimes are associated with caregiving. My meditation will be on all I have in Him. Will you join me?

The True Battleground

Does it ever seem like you are just truckin' along and everything is going great when BAM! Seemingly, out of nowhere your thoughts start running away with you? Maybe it's just me, but that totally happened to me this morning.

I got in my recliner, coffee in hand, Bible in lap, all ready to read a bit. I'm cruising through the Psalms and hit chapter 81.  In verse 11, God has noted that His people are not listening to Him. They stubbornly pursue their own desires. And by 14 He says if they would listen to Him - He would subdue their enemies.

That's when my mind went nuts on me. My initial response was something like - so if I get myself together and really pursue God - really listen to Him He sill subdue MY enemy? My greatest enemy in my thinking is a brain injury. Well, if God could "subdue" that - my life would be so much easier. And from there I got mad once again because I don't figure God's going to swoop in and take the TBI away.

But as I kept rolling some thoughts around and trying to get un-mad at God again, I realized the TBI isn't my worst enemy. My enemy isn't even life. We understand the life of a caregiver is not easy and every day brings difficulties  needing to be worked through. Everything is complicated, even the most basic of our daily chores like cooking, eating, bathing etc. It's all complicated and it can get to the place where it nags at us chipping away at our faith and trust in Him. That's when I recognized my enemy.

It's not a TBI that I honestly do wish was not there, but it's in the day-to-day grind of living life as a caregiver that chips away at my faith. Trying to control my thoughts and battle against depression can be an enemy. I want to trust but life can be so frustrating. I can't tell you how many times I've honestly wanted to blame God and throw my hands up in the air to give up on my faith. I have these weak moments when I feel as though I am totally overcome by life. And that chipping away at my faith, the eroding of my trust in Him, battling the crazy thoughts that go through my mind - that's the enemy.

As difficult as it is, and as simple as it sounds - if I can turn to Him one more time - He can help me conquer these enemies. He knows I cannot conquer them on my own - and He is not going to let me get swallowed up by them. All He is waiting for is for me to give up the battle and try to trust Him for one more day. And that I will.

Today I will focus my energy on turning my heart to His. I'll listen for His subtle voice and try to shut out the craziness that tries to chip away at faith. My thoughts will be on how He can crush these enemies of my soul, and one more time I will wait for Him. Will you join me?

Still at Work

As I was starting to organize my day and get my thoughts together this morning, my mind kept returning to a familiar scripture. Us church-kids memorized it as children and it serves as a constant reminder that He ain't done with us yet.

Paul writes to the church at Philippi, And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again. (Philippians 1:6 NLT) I don't know about you, but I was pretty sure when that since I am a caregiver, He had given up on working on me. The day my son had the wreck I lost my life, my goals and my dreams - the ones I thought for sure He had given me. Literally everything in my life changed as I moved into the caregiver role. I thought for sure I was exempt from Kingdom responsibility and the basic requirements laid out and understood by being a church kid. But I was wrong.

As the life of caregiver leveled out and the emotions settled down to a not-so-calm norm, I realized that God hadn't changed the things He had required of me. He still held me to doing right, loving mercy and walking humbly with Him. (Micah 6:8) He didn't lessen these, He didn't tell me that I didn't have to worry about them any more since my life situation had changed. Actually, over time I came to realize that He didn't change what He was requiring of me at all.

At first, I thought this was unfair. But then I began to realize that it wasn't all that bad. Even though my life situation had changed, my standing with God did not change a bit. I was still His child, still had all of the responsibilities that go along with being a child of God - but all of the blessings of being a child of God were also still intact; and Philippians 1:6 was still true. He is still working on and with me.

Even though my life changed dramatically in one instant - His work in my life did not. But the question then remains, what work is He doing in me, that won't be finished until the final day? I think the answer is in chapter 2 verse 13: He works in us both His will and His good pleasure. (NASB) Even though I don't understand why certain things happen, I am learning that He is still working in me - He is still working for me - He is still working on me....and shaping me into the image of Christ - just like every other believer.

Today I will rejoice in the truth that He continues to work on and in me no matter what life throws at me - and no matter how I react. He continues to perfect the image of Christ in me with the goal of me looking like Him. I'm going to rejoice today - because He didn't give up when life got hard - or when I had an attitude and wanted to give up. My meditation today will be on how He continues to work in me for His pleasure - and I will think about how I can completely surrender to His will in me. Will you join me?

The Chase

  This morning, I was reading about Benaiah in 2 Samuel 23. He was one of David's mighty men, and these three or so verses are all we kn...