Rough Hands - Soft Heart

It's been another crazy week around here, sometimes I wonder what happened to my cave. I used to go days without talking to a soul and now it seems my apartment has a revolving door and my phone doesn't stop. Sometimes I think I need a bit of a break, but most times I actually like it because it's more like my true "norm." My house has always been a hub of activity and my friends know I have an open door policy. Basically, anyone's welcome anytime. It's just who I am. But it can keep me on my toes when it comes to balancing out caregiving, jobs and the rest of life.

Last night was a late night as many have been lately. I had a project due for a client and lots of work on my plate. I did change my alarm this morning to a bit later so I could get a little sleep. I know it's necessary but it can seem like such a waste. (slightly joking) Do you know what I could get done in that 4-6 hours? I get frustrated because I'm human and my body demands it. lol

This morning as I grabbed my first cup of coffee and was reading with just one eye open.... I found some interesting thoughts in Psalm 143. One of my projects in the works right now is on David and how he was so fully a worshiper and a warrior. As I was reading this psalm this morning I thought about the contrast of his calloused hands playing an instrument as graceful and beautifully soothing as a harp. But doesn't that contrast explain David well? Doesn't it also give a picture of caregiving? The calloused hands from the hard work, yet in the crushing the sweet fragrance of His grace can be sensed.

I'm reading and re-reading this psalm and seeing some of the contrasts. First, I like that he spent very little time focused on the enemy but just mentions that it was a difficult fight. You know how I can get caught up in the details of the enemy! (Don't get me started on the aide that didn't show up again yesterday!) I also like how David was transparent with his feelings. But mostly, I like what he said about God.

I think David is one of our beloved Bible characters because of his open honesty about how he felt. Although I don't like saying it that way because it seems to take away from the realness of who he was. In psalm 143 he says several things about himself that maybe the caregiver can relate to at one time or another. He said he was:

• losing all hope
• paralyzed with fear
• deepening depression
• I think I'm going to die

Have we ever felt this way? Overwhelmed, hopeless and depressed. I've been there. Thankfully, I am not there right now  - but it can be a constant battle to keep our heads up and stay positive when we are swimming in caregiving. We can be open and honest about how we feel. God already knows anyway.

David also makes some very cool statements about God in this psalm. I love the words he uses to describe Him. He uses words like these to describe God:

• faithful
• righteous
• unfailing love
• gracious

In the process of this written prayer, possibly even sung by David, he asks God for a few things too. I think these are great things for caregivers to ask of God as well. He asks God to:

• Show me where to walk
• Save me from my enemies
• Teach me to do Your will
• Lead me on firm footing
• Bring me out of this distress
• Cut off my enemies

David didn't try to act like the enemy didn't exist and was actually very clear that his struggle was with the fact that he did.  He also said a few things about the enemy. He said:

• he's chasing me
• he knocked me to the ground
• forced me to live in the darkness

That can happen on any given day, can't it. Because we live with our emotional cup all the way to to the brim all the time, what seems to be the littlest thing can topple us over. Talk about living on the edge.I think caregivers own that edge. (smile)

Now what I noticed is that David mentioned 3 things about the enemy, 4 things about himself and the rest was about God or asking Him for help. This tells me where his focus was. Faithful, righteous, gracious and loving. That's our God. No matter what we have to face or walk through today - His attributes do not change, not even a bit. He never stops being faithful. He never says I can't handle this. And He handles someone like me who is quite rough on the edges with so much grace. I need that today. 

Today I'm going to think about how faithful and gracious He is. My thoughts will be on how He doesn't lose patience with me - when I lose patience with life. I'll meditate on this life, calloused by the journey can still pour out the sweet fragrance of worship. And He likes that. I'm going to trust this faithful, gracious, loving, and righteous God with one more day. Will you join me?

Even a Sigh Catches His Ear

You really never know what a day is going to bring. Many of us became caregivers because of a tragic event like I did with my son. Others may care for parents or loved ones who are in a slow decline like my Mom. Either way, we do the best we can with what we have to work with each day.

No one knows this path unless they walk it. There are many difficulties, as well as many blessings along the way. For me, one of the most difficult parts of this journey has been hooking back into scriptures. It took some time as I was so angry with God for allowing this to happen. Then it took more time for Him to reshape my faith and help me understand Him more fully. He's not a magical potion that keeps trouble away - but instead a powerful force that carries me through.

Sometimes when I read familiar passages I can still feel the struggle between what I thought faith was and how it actually plays out in our day to day lives. This morning was one of those times as I was reading in Isaiah. I was cruising through chapter 35 about how the eyes of the blind will be opened, the deaf will hear and the lame will leap, etc. I've always been taught that this portion of scripture is promised to us on the other side and I'm okay with that. During the Charismatic move in the 70's we used to sing the last verse, King James style of course.

Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return

and come with singing unto Zion

and everlasting joy shall be upon their heads.

They shall obtain gladness and joy

and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Somehow we understood it to be out there and about heaven - in the sweet by and by. But as I read the last part this morning I thought about how often I hear a sigh escape. You know those times when there just aren't words; and sometimes there's no emotions left either. Or maybe we just aren't sure what to say, do or think and we hear ourselves sigh.

As I read it this morning, I thought He knows when I sigh. And for a second it was like I could feel Him close. Who is close enough to us to hear, or feel us sigh? Most people aren't there in the midnight hour when the day has closed in around us. Or maybe we sigh when we get that unexpected bill, a notice of cancelled services - things like insurance that we were counting on. Another friend walks away. Maybe we stumble under the weight of it all - or perhaps we even sigh as we realize we are making it each day. Whatever makes you sigh......He is close enough to feel it.

This makes me think of Psalm 139:3 that says He is intimately acquainted with all my ways. He is close enough to hear and feel each and every sigh. Those points in life where there just aren't any words left - He can feel it too. He sees. He understands and He does not condemn. He continues to love, to carry and to strengthen for the journey.

Today, I am going to think about how close someone has to be to feel and hear my soul's sigh. My meditation will be on how up in my business God really is - and how I like it like that. I will rejoice that He wants to be that close to me - when others do not. I'll turn my thoughts to His ever abiding - within reach - presence. And I will be thankful that we are His choice of habitation. With that I will rest in Him and trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

That's Impossible!

Do you ever read the Bible and get frustrated? I do. And immediately afterwards I feel guilty. But feelings are feelings now, aren't they? This morning after making coffee, changing and bolusing my son, I sat down with my Bible and a fresh cup of coffee to read a bit. My pen was in Zechariah so I just started reading there in chapter 8 which starts talking about God's passionate love for Mount Zion and Jerusalem.

It continues talking about how He is going to rescue His people and restore them. Zechariah says God will bring all His people back home and basically restore their fortunes, reestablish them and give them peace. In verse 12, God says He is going to plant seeds of peace and prosperity among them. I wonder what that looks like when it plays out in real time.

For a long time, I thought God was going to ride in on a white horse and rescue me and my son too. Of course that didn't happen. Then I struggled with anger, bitterness and frustration. Caregivers have to work through a lot of that sometimes. I learned that restoration didn't look quite like I thought - but He can restore. I learned that whether my son got up and walked again or not - my faith is still in God. He didn't restore my son, but He did restore my faith.

Maybe He didn't restore my BC (before caregiving) life, but He did restore my passion for Him. Perhaps I was looking for lands, houses and wealth - while He was doing a supernatural work restoring my heart and my passion for Him. Oh yeah, remember David says He restores my soul. Isn't that the part that matters most anyway?

As I went back and re-read the passage in Zechariah 8, my eyes fall on verse 6 which says, all of this may seem impossible to you now, a small and discouraged remnant of God's people. But do you think it is impossible for me, the Lord Almighty? He did not scream, yell, rant or rave when He pointed out their discouragement. It wasn't derogatory for Him to remind them they were but a small people. The thing is, He could see them through and through and He sought to restore them anyway.

Here's the cool part to me. He said I will bring them home to live safely in Jerusalem.They will be My people, and I will be faithful and just toward them as their God. That's the part He can restore - and that part - changes everything.

He will not stop being my God when I am small and discouraged. Compassion moves Him toward us - not away from us. It's not impossible for Him to restore our brokenness. This body isn't the important part, it's that part of us that isn't going to die that needs His touch. The secret areas of our heart where no man can see is what needs to be made whole. And He can do that.

Today, I will yield my soul to the work of His hands. I won't look for restoration in the natural realm - but I will wait for Him to do His work in my soul: in my mind, will and emotions. And rather than hold it back because I'm still a little bit mad at Him, I'll move out of my comfortable cave - and let Him see me, let Him touch me. I'll let Him touch and restore the deep recesses of my heart that I don't show to anyone. That place where discouragement lives. I will turn my thoughts to His compassion for us and His deep desire to see us whole before Him. And I will let. Yup - I'm gonna let Him work in me today as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Peeking Out of the Cave

Do you feel like you are in a constant state of change? Sometimes I am afraid to put my feet down so to speak, as everything is bound to be different before I get them settled. Today will be different too, as each day is unique and yet redundant at the same time.

We do the same caregiving tasks over and over, day after day. Today, though I have the promise of an aide. And now that I have settled in to an aide-less routine, that means changing it all up again. It sounds silly and like it wouldn't matter, but it really does change a lot.

For instance, I want to make sure our laundry is sorted out because when aides are not coming regularly I do some of it together. I also have to get Chris fed, bathed or up (depending on his sleeping schedule) before the aide comes - or figure out when it fits in. I pretty much have to change the way I do my mornings since I have word he's really going to come. (His boss told him if he didn't show up today, she'd restaff him. Why she didn't say that to the one who is supposed to come 3 days a week I have no idea.) I'm trying not to get too excited about maybe getting to run outside or go grab a few groceries because you never really know.

I'm thinking it would be really nice if people just did their jobs. But today I'm wondering if that's just a bit much to ask. I really feel like aides, and maybe even others, don't really know their value. Maybe they think it's just a "job." They don't understand the break they can give us or how much it helps for them to tackle some of our daily chores. They just want to get their paycheck. But that is not in any way a demonstration of their true value.

When it comes to relieving the caregiver, a good aide is invaluable. They don't seem to get that. Even doing a couple loads of laundry, vacuuming or sitting with my son for a few minutes so I can run is worth more than anyone can pay. Especially if I get to run out and be free for a few minutes! They are not here long and I have to balance it all with work so I often have to choose between getting some errands done or going for a run. I also have to do everything with one eye on the watch because I have to be time conscious. But it can make or break my day. They don't understand the value in that.

As I am thinking about aides and how they can really make a difference for caregivers if they put just a little heart into it, I wonder if we underestimate our value to God, and to others for that matter. We can feel cut off and separate from society like we live in a cave with no real value to give. Ah, yes the caregiver's cave. It can be a humble, but safe place to be.  It can also be lonely and dark sometimes. And when we do dare to peek out - it looks so different out there.

Our days, our jobs, our lives can look so different, in fact that it's much easier to stay tucked inside rather than venture out to see what our lives appear to be lacking. I have to guard my attitude sometimes because I hear people outside my cave whining about what I consider a simple matter - an outside the cave matter. Looking at life out there can make me feel more alone - more separated, and of less value. But this is simply not true.

We are the apple of His eye - of great value. God didn't take anything back from us as His children because we became caregivers. Every single promise still holds true. We are still in the beloved, His son still died for us, we are still the righteousness of God in Christ. He still calls us His own. And the list could go on and on. We are still part of His greatest treasure.

Today, I am going to think about how valuable I am to God, even if I don't feel like it. Life may discard us - but He does not. I'll turn my thoughts to His great love for us - even caregivers - and aides. I'll meditate on the value He must place on us. I'll think about what it means to be His prized possession or to be precious in His sight. And that should fill my mind up today - as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

How do You Smell?

I was reading Isaiah 55 this morning and several things jumped out at me. One of them was verse 10 which says He was pleased to crush Him. That made me think of how they make essential oils (which I use daily) and how perfume is made as well. In either of these processes, it's the crushing that brings out the sweet fragrance.

Now, I have to admit that sometimes in the crushing - the fragrance that has been released was not pleasant. Remember crushing stink bugs as a kid - that was not nice, nor did it smell good. Crush a garlic and you'll smell garlic. But you will get whatever is inside of what's being crushed.

Caregiving can be a crusher that lets us know what's truly inside. As a matter of fact, it's more like a constant crushing, I refer to it as living in the furnace. It never stops. This can reveal our character - what we are really made of - what we really smell like.

I've seen both as it pertains to myself. There are times when the crushing comes and out pops the sweetest poem, song, thought or action toward another. And then of course, there are the times when the crushing brings out cussing, screaming and the I just can't take it anymores. It can depend on the day, or the moment really.

But as I'm looking through this chapter, I see that He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.  He was despised, afflicted and crushed for our iniquities. It also says He was despised and forsaken of men. Wow. Some of the feelings we can deal with as caregivers - Jesus felt them too. He understands rejection and never quite fitting in. He understands taking the blows for someone else. He understands when others look away because we look too hideous. And He did it all for others - not for Himself. The ultimate caregiver.

He was crushed so we could experience salvation, He was bruised so we could be healed. He was beaten so we could be justified. He laid His life down so we could all live. When He was crushed the beautiful fragrance of redemption poured forth.

Day after day we lay our lives out there for our loved ones - and it smells good to Him. The fragrance of our crushing brings out a sweet smell that is identifiable as love. The same love that held Him on the cross for us - is the love that holds us by our loved one's side. That smells good to Him.

For me, it's easy to see how He loves others with that kind of love, but I can't always grasp it for myself. I think as caregivers we get so outwardly focused, partly because we have to be, that we can't see it for ourselves. But He loves us. He calls us His. He redeemed us - He didn't die for everyone except caregivers.

Today I will turn my thoughts to His great love for us....for me. I'll meditate on how it can be possible for Him to feel the same measure of love for me as I feel for my son, and even more. I will roll it around in my head and try to comprehend His love for me, and my work will be to accept it and to trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Who Am I Really?

It's so easy to get lost in the shuffle. We don't have to go through the list of all the things we have to do in a day, or the numerous people who come through weekly to check on our loved one, or the paperwork we have to keep up with - all to provide proper care. But most of these activities are based around the one we are caring for - not around us.

My "love language" is time. If you spend time with me I feel loved. You can lavish gifts on me  (not that anyone has tried that recently! lol) and I won't necessarily be able to translate that as love. But spend time with me and I will feel like you care.

The social isolation of caregiving and the always feeling like you're out of step with normal can start to wear on you. Lately, I'm so much more comfortable with caregiving - and not struggling as much about going into public places. I guess that happens when you don't have an aide for an extended period of time and you just have to adjust. I also nearly ran out of coffee - that'll get you out of the house. ;-)

But over the weekend, I had to do some thinking and dealing with the feelings of rejection. It can be easy to feel like life itself has rejected us - like we don't really belong anywhere. It's not true - but it can feel that way. To be honest, even small things like aides not showing up can wear away at one's self-worth. The one aide needs to get fingerprints. This is his second week to not work and for me it sends the message we are not worth his time to go get that done. And of course the company doesn't offer a fill-in. This and many other things can wear away at one's self-worth.

Last week I was dealing with this issue, actually caused by another event and I felt myself slipping into the abyss. Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, and aloneness tried to weigh me down. I started rehearsing some of the scriptures that reminded me of how much He loves me - no matter what life looks like or if I have to do it alone.

I compiled the list and labeled the file Come Away my Beloved. Because the truth is that we are His beloved - no matter what our lives look like to us or to others. Whether we are a sole caregiver or actually have some help, whether we can attend church or can't get out much at all. It doesn't matter we are still His beloved. That's who we really are and it doesn't change, period.

Today I am going to focus on the truth that I am His beloved child. My thoughts will be on His acceptance of me - just.the.way.I.am. I will turn my meditations to how much He loves me and cares for me in this life I am living for Him. I'll rest in His love for today. Will you join me?

Not True!

One of the things I do to "deal" with caregiving is run. I started while my son was initially in the hospital because I was looking for a way to be active. We spent almost 4 months in the hospital after his wreck. I stayed with him and never left except for very short outings to do laundry and such. I read a lot, but finally started a running plan just to get some activity in as the sitting wore me out.

It took me three weeks to work up to the beginning program, but eventually I trained for that first 5K. I found running to be a great stabilizer for me. When I run, my body releases tension, my head seems to clear and I just feel better in general.

Yesterday I finished my 22nd half marathon. I hadn't trained properly for it so it was a tough one. That and the fact that I'm coming off an injury I sustained in an 8 mile trail race  back in January made for a rather painful race. On a tough race like that all the "good thoughts" disappear about 7 miles in. I get frustrated with myself and my mind starts turning toward negative thoughts.

Yesterday I started thinking about how overweight I am and my lack of self control as it pertains to eating and training. The half-marathon mind cannot be held accountable as it gets crazy in there - but at some point for whatever reason, I thought about how "ugly" I must look. Then I thought about my life and literally had the thought, my whole life is ugly.

The second I heard that thought go through my head - I heard this resounding Not True! It was sort of like God pulled out a huge "not true" stamp and landed it on my head. It was funny to me - and the thoughts it initiated kept me going for a good mile or two more. Even though many parts of caregiving can be "ugly" or difficult, or not the normal picture of life, there's still much beauty in it.

I thought about how beautiful it is to lay down one's life for another. That's what we do isn't it? Jesus said there's no greater love than this. That's beautiful. The way we care so much for another whole person and strive to meet every need - no matter what that need is at the moment - He thinks is beautiful. 

Sure, it's tough. Sure it's not the normal picture of how life is supposed to be. Sure, we lose a lot of freedom by choosing caregiving - but He thinks it's beautiful. Now when I think something that's not true - I'm going to envision a huge "not true" stamp coming down on the top of my head! lol

As I opened my Bible this morning for devotions, I just happened on the passage in Luke 7, and I felt it applied. Jesus was dining with one of the Pharisees and a woman who had a shady past, an ugly life, began to wash Jesus' feet. The Pharisee thought if this man were a prophet, He would know who and what sort of person this woman is who is touching Him, that she is a sinner.  The truth is - He did know. And He found beauty in it. Jesus used this imaginary "Not true!" stamp to negate the Pharisee's thoughts as He explained that this woman performed acts of kindness, of caregiving if you will, when the Pharisee did not. He found it beautiful - not ugly.

May we all experience the "Not true!" stamp when we think what we do is less than beautiful. I've said it before but it bears repeating that as we demonstrate our love through caregiving - we look a lot like Him. And I feel that He is pleased.

Today I am going to purposefully let Him show me the beauty in my situation. My thoughts will be on how He takes good care of my soul with the same type of love that I provide care for my son. I'm going to think about how this woman washed Jesus' feet out of pure love and how He saw the act. I believe that's how He sees us as caregivers too. He is just as passionate for us as we are for our loved ones, just as protective, compassionate, and loving - maybe more. I will turn my thoughts to these truths today. I'm going to trust Him and rest in Him for one more day - will you join me?