So Easily Forgotten

Yesterday, a post by a friend got me to thinking. (That's not unusual, and it's very easy to do.) They stated how they are dealing with a serious condition and how lonely they were feeling. As their condition had progressed and they were sent home from the hospital, visitors waned until they were left all alone to deal with their own emotions and thoughts. Not only do those in these situations have to sort through such a wide range of emotional changes, fears, thoughts, and decisions - on top of all that they are left to deal with the loneliness of being forgotten.

Those on the outside don't always see it that way. They would quickly say, Oh, you're not forgotten. I think of you all the time. I pray for you daily. But this doesn't erase or dilute the sinking alone-ness that the ill or caregivers deal with.

Reading her post reminded me of the day I was informed of my son's wreck. I had to fly from Chicago where I was living to Shreveport, LA where he had been medi-flighted earlier that day. When I finally got there after an all-day ordeal, the ICU waiting room was still full of people. For the three weeks he was in ICU there was a constant flow of people in and out. Once we moved into an isolation room on the regular floor, visitors became fewer. Then even less came when we finally transitioned to a nursing home 4 months later.

After we finally made it "home" (which had to be recreated since I'd been headed to the mission field) there was no one. As if we were fine now. Today, even when we are in the hospital there are few visitors if any at all. It's like everyone thinks you are okay now that the initial crisis or initial diagnosis is over. But that's not really the truth. Caregivers live in crisis mode, we just adjusted - nothing went away.

Since God knows everything, we can assume He knew we would have those times when we feel forgotten, forsaken and all alone. Those times just come as caregivers. It's easy to feel like we have the weight of the world on our shoulders because we sort of do - on behalf of another.

The scripture, When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me is nestled in an interesting passage. I'm going to assume for clarity's sake that he's speaking of when his parents pass away. He precedes the thought with do not hide Your face from me, do not turn Your servant away in anger, You have been my help. Do not leave me or forsake me. What a plea for God's ever abiding presence to remain. Then the acknowledgment that even if his parents forsake him, he knows God has him. He follows it all with teach me Your way O Lord.

I then turned my thoughts to this verse in Isaiah 49:15 God asks the prophet, Can a woman forget her nursing child and have no compassion on the son of her womb? The obvious answer is no. It's not natural to forget or neglect a child. But God follows the question, which He didn't ask just to receive information with Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. What a promise!!

We can feel so easily forgotten, forsaken and like we are having to forge through caregiving on our own. But He sees. He knows. He will never forget or forsake. He draws near and answers our unspoken prayers, fears, cares and cries with a simple I am here. 

Today, I will meditate on His nearness, whether I feel Him or not. I'll turn my thoughts away from the crowds who left to the One who stays. I'll be thankful for that and trust Him just for today. Will you join me?

When Everything is Broken

Ever have One of those days? That's a funny thing to ask a caregiver since every day is pretty much one of those. Our best days and altered-normals are what some might consider Mondays every day. We can live on such an emotional edge that the slightest seemingly smallest thing can tip us over the edge. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with us - it's the nature of the situation. Dealing with the broad range of emotions can cause great conflict because religion can be condemning. But what are we supposed to do with that?

I guess I am thinking along these lines because this has been one of those weeks. An already tough spot has been majorly complicated by taking on the added responsibility of caring for my aunt. While dealing with our elderly loved ones who can no longer use the logical processes to reason can be difficult it's not going too badly. But I won't lie - I'm tired. No, I'm exhausted. I can't ever quite keep up. Working as in job-wise needs to be done between 4 and 7 AM or it's not going to happen most days. The struggle is real. lol

Then this week the lift in the van malfunctioned and my sweet release - my rusty now not-so-trusty treadmill is not working. I was like is everything broken? My life already feels broke, now even the small things I counted on for escape are broke. Well, I'm not going to be beat that easily. I've been running my mile every morning in small circles around my backyard. My neighbors are certain I'm crazy now if there ever was a question about it. lol

Sometimes when the small things we forget we count on get broken it can leave us feeling emotionally stranded. I'm broke. My van is broke. My treadmill is broke. My bank account is broke. My life is broke. Everything is broke.

But it's not. One of my favorite scriptures is 2 Timothy 2:19. The foundation of God stands sure having this seal: He knows those who are His. He ain't broke, ain't gonna be broke and has never been broken. Not by my horrible attitudes or my situation. He is the only constant we can rely on and He knows.

He knows and sees when our lives look broken, and He knows when we come to Him in that broken state and bring our heart bathed in our own tears before Him. He draws near to the brokenhearted. Perhaps that is to help carry a load that both are fully aware cannot be carried alone.

So, today when everything feels broke - I will rejoice that He still knows my name! I will meditate on the fact that Him knowing I am His will never be broken. It's sealed in eternity. His love will never be broken although His heart may break for us. I will rejoice today that His love for me will never wane, weaken or break. He loves with an everlasting love. And with that truth tucked deep into my broken heart - I will trust Him for today. Will you join me?

Already in the Boat

Yesterday I celebrated having Chris home for 8 years. While I celebrated I thought a lot about all the different things we've been through over this last decade. I didn't express it, but it took a lot just to get to that point 8 years ago.

I'd gotten rid of almost everything and was headed to the mission field when I got the call he'd been in a wreck. There were times I felt like such a failure because I couldn't just "take him home." I'd been living with families for several years focusing on ministry. I felt like I had failed him by not providing that even though he and my daughter were both adults.

When Chris got accepted into rehab in OKC, they wouldn't take him until I established a home so he'd have a place to go on discharge. When we moved him from New Orleans to Oklahoma, I started staying with some of my daughter's friends who generously gave me a place to stay while he was in the nursing home. Now it was time to get a place of my own... again.

The shorter version is - I got a small, single-bedroom apartment right before he went to rehab for 3 weeks. You know how the caregiving journey is - lots of ups and lots of downs with some interesting spots in between. It's full of opportunities to give up, give in or die of exhaustion. lol

This week as I was studying my Bible, I found myself in Mark 4. The last part of the chapter is talking about when a storm came up and Jesus commanded it to be still as they were going to the other side. 8-10 years ago I couldn't tell you what this "side" might look like. I was a mess and still continue to suffer from the traumatic experience. But there are those times when Jesus speaks peace to my soul. They are invaluable. But that's not what stood out in the story this time.

In verse 35, Jesus told His disciples, let's cross to the other side. Then in the NLT it says, He was already in the boat. I have meditated on that ever since I saw it again for the first time last week. He was already in the boat. Before they loaded up, before they launched, before they started across, before the storm hit, before they got to the other side. He was in the boat and ready for the bumpy journey.

To say caregiving is a bumpy journey is an understatement, as you well know. But wherever each of us finds ourselves today - He's already there and ready to take it on for us. He's pumped up and rested up enough to speak peace to any storm that might arise.

Today, I will thank Him that I do not have to walk this all alone. My thoughts will be on how He purposes for us to go to the other side - victorious through whatever life might throw. I'll meditate on His faithful provision, His unmeasurable peace, and His constant watch over my soul. And I'll trust Him for just one more trip across this day. Will you join me?



From time to time I'd like to give you the opportunity to give to Dove's Fire Ministries if God leads you to do so. You can donate at this link if you feel led. Dove's Fire Ministries.

Just Ask Job

I've had a lot on my mind lately, almost as much as I have on my plate! lol. Things are moving along with my aunt's placement in assisted living, but boy is it moving slowly. I'm trying to enjoy the time I have with her as she is such a blessing. But boy do I get unwound so easily. It seems the extra stress has heightened my emotions, and I miss Chris even more of late.

Many caregivers deal with living grief. For me, I miss my son - although he is technically still here. Same with my mom who has dementia and is in a nursing home. the grief can be overwhelming at times.

This week, as I was grieving and crying as I poured out my heart to Him, I thought of Job's grief. In Job, we learn that he lost everything but in that moment of deepest grief, he went straight to God with it in worship. Presenting that deep wound of the heart before God is such an act of intimate worship.

Sometimes, the church culture can make us feel like we can come - but don't bring our grief. It's not acceptable. But God wants us to bring it all to Him - the good, the bad and the ugly. He wants to be so intimately connected with us that He shares in our joys and sorrows, our triumphs and losses, our ups and our downs.

As Job laid it all out before God, there was a part of him that could only be touched by the crushing. It's in those moments when we are at a loss for words that He can touch a part of us not easily accessible. There are some deep recesses of our heart that are only reached through the crushing life brings.

I encourage you today in the pain, stress, grief or distress - take it to Him instead of keeping it hidden from Him. He wants to reach in and be a part of your life. Even when you feel shunned and separated from the rest of the world. The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) He is near. He is intimate.

Today, I am taking all of me to His heart. I'm laying it all down at His feet and waiting on Him to touch the deepest recesses of my heart. Will you join me?

Excitement By the Wayside

Yesterday while I was out on my run I found this discarded chest of drawers. It was outside the fence at an apartment complex, just next to a dumpster. I took a picture and sent it to my daughter and asked yeah or nay. We decided it was a yes, so I brought it home.

The more I thought about this discarded piece, the more excited I became. Lots of thoughts ran through my head about how to fix it up. I could strip it down and restain it, or paint it as it is. Finally, I decided to strip it down and paint it cream. The indentions and knobs will be green and then my daughter can do her fancy artwork and paint some vining leaves along the edges. In my head - it's beautiful! I can't wait!

Then, I started thinking about where I'm going to put this beautiful piece once I've redone it a bit. I got so excited thinking of all the places it will fit right in.

On a personal note, this morning I was down. I'm tired. No, exhausted. No, fatigued... which is worse? That's what I am. lol.I'm stressed out over numerous things... Depression was trying to swallow me up when I looked out my patio door this morning and saw this chest.

You know what? God is more excited about His plans for us than we can imagine.

When I look at this discarded chest, I don't see it as such. I see the potential. I see all the places I can use it - all the ways I can enjoy it. When He looks at us, He doesn't see a discarded piece either. He is so excited about having us in His house. Just like I am thinking of all the places I can put this chest and all the ways I can use it and all the ways I can enjoy it - that's how He thinks of us.

He is filled with excitement about what is to come even if we feel discarded by the wayside. He's making plans on where to put us in His house. And He can't wait to enjoy us.

Today, I'm going to turn my thoughts to how overjoyed He is when He looks at us. My meditations will be on His excitement about what is to come. I won't consider my short-sightedness. I'll think about His wonderful plans for me. My focus will not be on my feelings of loneliness, despair or exhaustion. Instead, I'll think on His hope and plans for a good future for me. And I'll just rest right there  - will you join me?

Where Words Don't Live

I'm a word-smith, a writer, a poet, a psalmist. But there are times like the last few days where I have no words. While caregiving is a blessing and rewarding, it can also be taxing and weighty. That is where I've been until this weekend.

I've read the passage in Genesis 16 lots of times. Hagar was overwhelmed by God seeing her situation. I don't think I got it until now. My thoughts have been more along the lines of yeah, that's great but I already know God sees... what's the big deal? I need Him to do.

Over the weekend it all just got to me and it felt like the load was too heavy to deal with. As I was taking the dog out for a walk I put some music in my earbuds and used the few minutes for a bit of an escape. I don't recall the song, but it talked about God seeing us and feeling the weight of our load. And in that moment, I knew that I knew that I knew - He felt me.

Now I've felt Him a lot. I often sense His presence - but this was more Him sensing my presence and my situation. It seemed like He was walking through me - in the deepest recesses of my heart and being. He was so deep inside me that I had no words. And it was okay with me.

Suddenly, it was okay for Him to see me. It felt like He could really see me - all of me - and He was okay with it and so was I. He sensed my burden - and even though I came back into the house carrying the same load I went out with - it was better because I shared it with Him.

What are you carrying today? He really does want to share the load with you. Let down your guard for one minute and let Him see you - the real you. He can handle it - and so can you. He can see the parts of you that there are no words to share. While nothing may change immediately, knowing He is walking through the deepest, darkest parts of my being gave me light and strength.

Today, I'm going to meditate on taking it all to Him again. I'm going to try to be okay without words, and I'll think about how He knows my thoughts and words before they are formed - just like He knew me before I was formed. I'll trust Him for one more day - in that place with no words. Will you join me?

A Realist's Faith

I'm not sure we can deal with any situation, caregiving or otherwise until we acknowledge it. We can try to confess it away, quote scriptures over it all day, and pray - I do this a lot. It doesn't always change the situation. I have no doubt that God heals and will continue to perform miracles. But until He does - we must deal with the situations that are right in our face.
It's not faithless to face our situation head on each day. There is no way to be a caregiver and ignore what we are going through as our actions or inactions directly affect other persons. A realist can stand in faith too because faith is not exactly what we've made it out to be all these years.

I have a very well-meaning relative who is always telling Chris to "get outta that chair" so he can go fishing. It breaks my heart. The first time he said it, I said, "they have handicap fishing spots if you want to take him fishing." I got no response. The last time he said it, I just let it go as my heart shattered into a million pieces. I love my son just like he is. Would I be overjoyed if he took off walking or starting talking or moving anything? Absolutely. But I love him just like he is too. I sing "You are so Beautiful" to him pretty much every day, two or three times a day.

God never looks at us and says, I sure wish you'd get better so I could fellowship with you. I know He doesn't. He loves us just like we are - even though He sees far better things for us. He puts no requirements on us - He just says come. He wipes my tears. He picks me up. He loves me - even when I'm dirty by my own doing. He takes us just like we are with no hesitation, no questions, no shaking of His head in disgust.

Today, I will meditate on how He loves me just like I am, with all my imperfections. My thoughts will be on how He longs to be with me so much He'll come to me if I can't walk, He speaks to me when I can't talk and He holds me when I can't hold Him. I'll think about how much He loves us as the crazy messed up caregivers we can be! lol And I'll thank Him for loving me right where I am, just as I am as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?