Caregiver Extremes

Chris standing
I just want to admit up front that emotionally I can be all over the place. That's nothing new, really. But with the impending move, it seems to me like it's a little bit worse. In case I forgot to fill you in, we are moving! My daughter and SIL are buying a huge house so we can all move in. They are going to help me with Chris and I'll help them with kids and day-to-day stuff as well. We are all excited and I believe it's a good move.

As I anticipate change though, my thoughts and emotions go from extreme excitement to sheer terror. Eventually, I adjust and change is not usually as rough as I thought - but I'm all over the place until I adjust and settle in.

Extremes are not all that uncommon for caregivers, especially on some days. Maybe it's just me but I can be booking along having a great day and a memory or a photo or almost anything can spark raw emotions. Not to brag or anything, but I can go from chipper and happy to calm and weepy in under 10 seconds. I'm so glad that God understands this roller coaster ride and already knows if the next turn will bring an up moment or a down one. He's prepared to handle either one every single time. He doesn't condemn me for either extreme He just gathers up the broken pieces of my heart and glues it all back together with His love, compassion and care. He often steps right into the middle of either extreme and carefully does His mending. I'm guessing that's what keeps me running back to Him.

Today, as I pack and plan, I will be meditating on His careful watching care. My meditations will be on how He never takes His eyes off me. I'll think about how accepting He is of me and my emotional swings. He offers no condemnation or criticism - only care and concern for me. I'm going to stop and think about that for a while right now - and trust Him for just one more day - will you join me?

Don't Forget to Wait

old bookcase
I'm starting the process of moving my mini-nursing home. That's a huge task for sure and a bit overwhelming. But I was looking through my house at things I can get rid of and wondering why if it's so easy to discard or donate things why I kept them in the first place.

When I got to my room, I stood and looked at my bookcase. It is special for a few reasons. First, it was my grandfather's bookcase and used to house all of his Bible study aids and books. Secondly, it holds my book collection. Most of them are from generals in the kingdom of God - most of which have gone on to their reward. I stopped and looked at the section that contains books from the years I studied the revivals. My thoughts ran around for a while from revival to revival I studied back in the day. Those were BC days (before caregiving). I took a deep look inside myself and asked if my quest for revival and thirst for Him stopped at caregiving.

Immediately, I felt my heart soften as my soul cried out for Him again. Relief overtook me as I realized nothing about my quest was lost on the caregiving journey. I've said so many times that nothing He promised included exclusionary statements about caregivers. Our pursuit of Him is only contingent upon our persistence. He is readily available and all His promises are still yea and amen.

Just stopping to realize that He didn't change His mind about a thing when I became a caregiver renewed my strength. It's stirred up that thirst for Him. Caregivers are thirsty too. We don't need His presence any more or less than the rest of the outside-the-cave world. Jesus is still calling Come to me you who are weary, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28) The words of the prophet in Isaiah 40:31 still holds true - Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength.... 

I have to think then, that if I am not having my strength renewed... It's not His fault - Maybe, just maybe, I'm not waiting. Caregivers tend to be go-getters and often far surpass our true capabilities because things have to be done regardless of how we feel, whether or not we are already too tired, and whether there is help or not. We often have to live in roll-up-your-sleeves mode and forget to wait on Him. But His promises still hold true -He still empowers those who wait on Him.... let's not forget to wait.

Today, I am going to make it my goal to remember His promises - I'm even going to make a list. I'll meditate on what it means to wait on Him. My efforts will be to get out of I-can-do-it-all mode and wait for Him - give Him space to work in my life and on my behalf. I'll trust Him with this day - in the waiting. Will you join me?

The What Ifs....

Sorry for my absence. To say I am a bit overwhelmed is well, a huge understatement. I just thought my son kept me busy, add my aunt in the mix and things like aides not showing up AGAIN, and I barely have time to breathe. I remind myself to do so often though. lol

One of the things I never question is the power of prayer. If you've read along you know I harp on faith a lot - the fact that it is really what carries us through adversity rather than helping us avoid them. Prayer has been redefined similarly on this journey. It's not just a way to get what I want as much as sometimes I wish it was.

I was thinking about prayer, what it is, and what it is not this morning. Even though I have purposefully separated myself from God on occasion as I tried to deal with frustration, trusting Him, the lack of answers, and the heat of the battle - There is nothing dark enough or deep enough to separate our prayers from His ears.

Then the trouble becomes why it seems He doesn't do anything in response. I wonder if Joseph cried out to Him day after day sitting in a dark, dank prison waiting for God's promise to manifest. How many years did Moses pray as he led God's children across the desert towards the promised land? Sometimes I think prayer isn't about getting an answer for ourselves, it's more about the communion. It's about having a constant companion who is moved by our grief and pain. He listens to us even when we sound like babbling babies in His ears.

It's not so much about getting what we want... it's about talking to Him all the way through the what ifs.....


  • What if He doesn't give me the answer I desire?
  • What if the situation gets worse instead of better?
  • What if He says "no"!
  • What if the money's not there...
  • What if no help comes..
  • What if this had never happened?
  • What if What if What if...
His ears will stand the what ifs. He still desires to talk with us one on one - and as we mature in a relationship with Him the conversation moves beyond our daily needs and wants. We begin to sense who He really is - way beyond our limitations in this life. He is with us - He doesn't carry us around adversity - He walks with us through it.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.

Today, I will turn my thoughts to His sustaining power. I'll meditate on the "going through" part rather than the avoiding parts. I will rejoice that He won't abandon me anywhere along the way (even when I act like a brat....) I will trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Against all Odds

This morning I woke up with a phrase on my mind. It was simply, trust the process. Yesterday's thoughts about Moses and how God delivered and led the Children of Israel out of Egypt and to the promised land one step at a time were racing through my mind.  I thought of how they crossed the Red Sea, needed water and He provided, needed food and He provided and numerous other victories they had along the way.

Jericho also came to mind and I realized they battled on so many levels and in so many arenas to get to their destination. But then I was a bit perplexed as I wondered what in the world would be my destination. I'm not going anywhere. Sometimes it feels like I'm sitting still and life is passing me by and I withdraw further into the caregiver's cave where it is at least perceived as safe. But I don't want to stay there - not really.

And it's at that moment determination arises once again and I resolve to find ways to live outside the box life has tried to enclose me in. It's easier to fade into the cave and live in a little box. There's no fear of being interrupted since most won't venture in. Not even church people. lol

Then this story comes to mind. It's in 2 Samuel 23:20-22. It seems like it was just dropped there by accident. These three verses describe the warrior, Benaiah. He did some mighty heroic acts but I want to focus on one. Verse 20 says he chased a lion into a pit and killed it - on a snowy day. Two things stand out to me, one that he chased the lion into the pit to kill it instead of playing it safe and running the other way. And two, he found his footing on a snowy day and managed to wrangle and kill a lion. He was in a predicament, but he prevailed.

I think of the caregiver - thankfully there are no physical lions in our dens. But we can have some momentous things to deal with. Emotions can rage, finances are slim, friends are few - and that doesn't even cover the stress of actual caregiving. (I could write a book on that one! lol) What I draw from this scripture is that against all odds - Benaiah won. Perhaps it was driven by anger (what did that lion do anyway?). Maybe it was sheer determination. Who knows what he was thinking - but he didn't let it go and he refused to be defeated.

We are faced with a similar choice. We can either be defeated by our circumstances and give up or walk away or chase it down and remove it from the equation. And this is where I am today. I'm staring at this lion of emotional strain, exhaustion, and many other elements that go along with caregiving. Do I choose to succumb and let it just have me and fall apart? Or do I choose to chase it down and defeat it? I'm determined to write a happy ending to my story. So as it all tries to close in on me today I'll stand up and say "Enough!"

Today, I'm going to trust Him for lion-chasing emotion-managing strength. My thoughts will be on how He provides, He loves, He cares for me. I'll follow Paul's advice to Peter (1 Peter 5:7) and I'll cast all my cares, worries and anxieties over on Him and let Him carry them for me. I will pray for Him to show me the lions in my life - and I will chase them down - and I will win!!! Will you join me?

One at a Time

Sorry for my absence, but my son was in the hospital most of last week. Just part of the journey, right? But it sure does stir up a wide range of emotions. I'm not sure if the social isolation or the battle for the soul is more difficult. By the soul, I mean the mind, will, and emotions. It sometimes feels like life has taken me captive and sentenced me to life without parole.

The caregiver can struggle with so many things on an emotional level as the tasks of taking care of loved ones wears away at our heart. We do what we do because we love them - but that doesn't mean it's easy. Jesus died for us because He loves us - but that didn't make the cross a pleasant journey.

Maybe I am only speaking for myself, but my emotions can be all over the place from one second to another. Fears and doubts try to chip away at faith leaving my heart and mind in shreds. Oftentimes, I feel like a prison caught between my faith and the reality of the day-to-day. As it all closes in around me it can be an internal war zone. Often I feel like a victim - but I refuse to take on a victim mentality. One of the lines in a Zach Williams song says, "I don't want to be a prisoner."

This morning as I was running laps around the parking lot with Chris looking on, I was praying about these feelings. The thought came through my mind of Moses. He led the Children of Israel out - one step at a time. God didn't pick them up and set them in the promised land. He walked them through struggle after struggle, through battle after battle, through challenge after challenge.  Joseph didn't have a dream and then see it fulfilled. He walked through years of struggle, dismay, and maltreatment before he saw it come true.

I guess I'm saying that the deliverance of our souls come one step at a time - not just once and done. God walks us through each fight with fear, each battle with doubt, through the weariness - and temptations... He delivers my soul one little piece at a time. I'll cherish each step of the journey then because I realize each time I finish upright and faithful He's freed a little more of my soul.

Today, I will begin to rejoice that we are still winning - even though it is a difficult journey. Even though life rages against the soul He is the keeper of my soul. Today, I will trust Him to keep me and my soul intact. Will you join me?

Safe and Loved

tender moments between mom and son
This morning as I bent over my son's hospital bed to kiss his forehead, I whispered, I want you to feel safe and loved. Many times, our loved ones are so vulnerable and unable to protect themselves. As a mother and a caregiver, I have such a sense of needing to also be advocate and protector.

My son cannot speak for himself, I have looked at some camps designed specifically for brain injury victims - they look wonderful. But I cannot stay with my son. Since he cannot speak, he would not be able to tell me if there was anyone hurting him in any way. I just can't take him. When I get respite for him I take him to a nursing home where my sister works. I also know several of the staff so I feel he is better watched over.

Those who need caregiving are often the most vulnerable among us. I just wanted my son to be assured I was here to protect him and to ensure his safety. Specifically, I wanted him to know he is loved. He seems so alone sometimes even though I am with him always.

As I was having this tender moment with my son, I realized how God must feel the same way about us. He longs for us to feel secure. He longs for us to feel His love for us. Sometimes I wish I could just take my son up in my arms and hold him. He's just a little too big for that! But does God wish we would present ourselves to Him in such a way that He could scoop us up and hold us? I think maybe He does.

We are safe in His arms - He is the protector of our souls - that part of us that doesn't die.

Today, I'm going to meditate on His intense desire to be with me. (and you....) I'll turn my thoughts to how He longs for us to come to Him, to rest on Him and to feel secure and loved. I'll think about how He guards my soul - my mind, will and emotions and how He keeps the part of me that will never die safe and securely tucked away in His heart. And with that I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Circle of Determination

This photo may not look like much to you, but it means a lot to me. See the path that has been beaten along the outer edge? I've done that over the last few weeks. My treadmill malfunctioned and I was on a running streak (still am) and didn't want to give in. I measured the distance around my tiny backyard and it's .01 mile. That means running around it 100 times is a mile. I made it a tiny bit longer by adding the patio in the mix.

It may look like a silly path but I call it my "circle of determination." I am on a fitness journey here. As caregivers, our own health often gets laid to the side because of all the duties we need to complete each day. The reality is, even though I hate for people to remind me of it, that we have to be healthy for our loved ones, if not for ourselves. As much as I want to care for my loved ones, I also want to feel good while I do it as much as possible. So I laced up my running shoes and started putting some miles in - then my treadmill broke and the aide doesn't come in until it's way too late to get out there. So, I made a way. Isn't that one of the caregiver's finest qualities we develop? lol

My point is that I was determined to do whatever it took. When my caregiving journey started my first prayer was that I would not get bitter along the way. I remember crying out to God in the chapel at the hospital and asking Him to guide me in a way that I wouldn't get bitter. I prayed I'd become like heroes of faith I'd heard of who like Paul took their prison time and turned it into opportunities to share and spread the Truth of the gospel. I cannot yet say I've succeeded, but I can say I'm still determined... and that'll go a long way!

One of the main things I've determined is to stay in the Word, even when it doesn't make sense. And even when it makes me mad. Scriptures like Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28 can bring a cloud of confusion and frustration along with a barrage of questions. How can He bring something good out of this? How are these good plans and hope? That's actually one reason I stay in Psalms where David and other psalmist are gut-level real about their emotions as well as the fears and struggles they are facing.

Our questions don't hurt God's feelings or frustrate Him. And they don't mean we don't trust Him either. Sometimes those heart-wrenching questions are our way of seeking Him more deeply as we try to find our way through caregiving. He continues to patiently reveal His heart toward us in the midst of the struggle. I love that He never throws up His hands and quits on me no matter how difficult the questions I ask. I do think He may shake his head and close His eyes from time to time though.... lol

Today, I'm going to meditate on keeping the faith in the midst of the struggle. I'll be thinking about my tiny little footpath and the determination it took to create it. And I'll apply that to my faith walk. My thoughts will turn toward staying in the word... (Thy word is a lamp unto my path and a light unto my path.) and a renewed determination to hold on to faith. And to hold on to Him as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

The Chase

  This morning, I was reading about Benaiah in 2 Samuel 23. He was one of David's mighty men, and these three or so verses are all we kn...