The Seeker

 

chris with eli

This morning I found myself reading in Ezekiel. Although I love the OT prophets and read them often, I must admit I had no inspiration and my Bible literally opened to it and I began reading. I am so glad I did. God was warning the people of Israel and giving Ezekiel a rundown on the true state of their hearts in chapter 33. Then He begins to talk about the shepherds who were supposed to be caring for the sheep but were instead taking care of their own needs and scattering the sheep. Even some of the sheep were being inconsiderate and unkind to other sheep.

God was not too happy with the "fat sheep" who had gotten that way by pushing other sheep out of the way. They crowded their way to a "blessing." He said He would judge between the sheep and the shepherd as well as between sheep and other sheep. Why? He's the seeker.

So for the sheep suffering from neglect from the shepherds and bullying of other sheep - God said He would step in. He said He'd make sure they were no longer a prey - that they had what they needed. And Ezekial ends chapter 34 with this: you are my flock, the sheep of my pasture. You are my people, and I am your God.

There's no mention of them seeking God during their struggles. Ezekiel said nothing about them crying out in their pain, or praying for deliverance. They may have - I know I have! But what I saw in this was God seeing the need, seeing the hurting, seeing the hungry, seeing the whole picture, and then seeking out His own.

I'm His own too. And so are you.

As caregivers, we can be operating under a load others simply do not understand and many just don't want to see. Life gets ugly sometimes and doesn't go as planned. But God continues to seek His own. He will seek for us until He finds us. Then He provides peace, comfort, sustenance, and acceptance.

While we understand we are rewarded with His presence when we seek Him - in this scenario He becomes the seeker - and He's looking for US! Jeremiah says when we seek Him - He will be found by us. Can we do the same? Can we let Him find us in our pain, in our aloneness, in the darkest emotional cave of our lives? He wants us. He is looking for us. And He won't stop until He finds us.

Today, I purpose to be found by Him. I'll step out of the dark recesses of the cave I've been hiding in and I'll let Him see the ugly of life. I'll let Him see my tear-stained face and bloody torn heart. I'll rest in His arms as He bandages the wounds, wipes the tears from my face, and holds me close to His heart. Will you join me? He's looking for us.

Always Welcome Here (A New Poem)

 

chris standing at a park in OKC

It can be so difficult to fit in as caregivers. We can feel like we can't engage in general conversations and only other caregivers understand our circumstances. Then there is trying to navigate going anywhere with a wheelchair or walker. Some places are not accessible. Some say they are but are more than difficult to get in and out of. I always say those places follow the "letter of the law" but not the intent. Technically you can get in - but boy. (Sigh)

Rejection is a horrible feeling. It's easy for caregivers to feel like we don't "belong" or that we are not a part. Sometimes, that even happens with family and close friends. Recent events left me feeling rejected. As I was carrying my concerns to God, this poem just kind of came out of that prayer time. Somehow knowing that we can bring all of our baggage before the King of Kings and never be turned away is comforting. I hope you enjoy it. 

Always Welcome Here

 

Child, you are always welcome here

Bloody, broken, or riddled with fear

I will never turn you away

And I will capture every single tear

You are always welcome here.

 

Refused, outcast, forsaken or rejected

Lost, lonely, or neglected

I will not turn you away

I open up My arms to say you are accepted

You are always welcome here.

 

Come for the healing – Stay for communion

I’ve waited for you for so long

Come, sit and rest – here is where you belong.

 

I see your broken heart

I hear your silent tears

 

I will not turn you away

You are always welcome here.


Try to Remember


 This week, my aunt turned 88 years old. We made the best of it we could under the circumstances. I took her her favorite Chic-fil-a salad for lunch and her brother, my Uncle Roger, baked her a chocolate oatmeal cake and brought flowers. The facility is still not allowing visitors because of the Pandemic. I did get to go around to the window and see her and talk to her though. That helped, but it still saddened me greatly.

This, like many circumstances, can send a caregiver down into the spirals of sadness, grief, and depression. It's a terrible one to have to fight, but it happens frequently. It's such a personal battle too, and we all learn ways of trying to get ahead of it if at all possible. But when there are disappointments, griefs, and sorrows stacked one on the other day after day, it makes it much more difficult to get back on top of.

It can feel like God can't hear - and if He does hear us, then He isn't paying attention. And even if He is paying attention it feels like there is absolutely no response, no relief, and no rescue in sight. It's in those moments that it can feel like life is suffocating us. (Maybe it's just me?) Circumstances keep pressing and pressing and one thing keeps getting added on top of another until the life is being sucked right out of us.

I have this habit though. When I cannot see anything God is doing presently, and I cannot feel Him or hear Him like I want to, I do what Asaph did in Psalm 77. The first few verses, Asaph describes how he feels rejected, forgotten, and "too distressed to even pray." (V4 NLT) By the time he gets to verse 10 and 11, he says he feels like God is not "with" him anymore. If we are honest enough with ourselves, can we say we feel that way from time to time? My heart knows it's not true  - but boy does my head and emotions feel that way.

Asaph goes on to basically say that when he cannot see God moving in his life, he recalls what God has done in years gone by. This is what I've done the last day or so trying to shake off and climb out of the caregiver's fog. I started thinking back about specific times when I knew that God moved on my behalf. Times He truly intervened, healed, touched, moved, quickened....me. I still exist. I'm still in His sight. I'm still precious to Him....and so are you. When there is no one around to tell us that - we must tell ourselves these things. 

Today, will you join me in a walk down memory lane? It's so individual we must all take our own walk as we remember the times God has come through for us - lest we lose heart. Remind yourself that He loves you - immensely. Tell your heart to hope again that hope is NOT lost - and He has not forgotten we are here. 

Positioned for Protection

 

Chris n Kyrie
This morning I was reading in Ephesians. I really enjoy the Epistles. They are just rich, you know? I have read them over and over yet there's always something new to see or experience in them. The word is alive (Hebrews 4:12), it doesn't change, but often we see new things because we have moved to a new place with new experiences. 

I made it to chapter 6 and the armor of God this morning. This one little phrase stood out to me. In verse 16, Paul said, above all taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. This said that we can and will quench the fiery darts of the enemy with the shield of faith. Now, it doesn't say the darts won't come occasionally. Or that they won't come one after another on a single afternoon. it does say when they come - faith can quench (extinguish, put out) ALL of them.

No matter what our situations are, faith protects our hearts. There are no exclusions here. Paul didn't say you can quench all the fiery darts of the enemy with the shield of faith unless..... we tend to let our thoughts put the exclusions in there - 

  • unless we are a caregiver
  • unless we are poor (or rich)
  • unless we have insurance
  • unless we read our Bible every day....
Paul added none of these - he simply said with which you will be able to quench ALL the fiery darts that come at you from the enemy. This brought a touch of hope to my heart this morning. As caregivers we can miss out on a lot - can't we? But not this time! The enemy can throw, toss, or shoot anything at us - depression, hopelessness, despair, discouragement, sadness, loneliness - all of which we may feel at one time or another - or sometimes we literally feel it all at once. (Maybe it's just me!)

But no matter what comes at us - remember it's not part of us - even though it may be part of the journey. Faith can quench it. We do have to position ourselves behind the shield of faith for it to provide protection. But here we stand in all of our luck laster - when life tries to paint an ugly picture, faith can repaint it into a beautiful masterpiece where we learn to trust God even more. That's got to frustrate the enemy! 

Today, I will take my position behind my shield of faith - mostly because I don't have the strength to fight on my own. From there, I will wait on God to deliver my soul (mind, will, and emotions) from the enemy's sight. Even when it seems like life is bearing down on me - I trust God will provide that way of escape. And when He does - I'll run right back into His arms where He can hold and protect me - will you join me?


Beyond Words

 

those eyes
Sometimes, for caregivers, there are no words to express our emotions. We often deal with living grief over a loved one who is still alive, but they are not who they used to be. Personally, I deal with this with my son who is certainly not the person he was before the wreck, he can't do the things he did. Often I avoid Facebook as I see his friends getting married, having kids, enjoying life, and music. It can spark great grief for me as I am thrilled he is now turning his head from the left to right in response to activities. I'm happy when he takes a step when I used to watch him in the marching band. He is gone - but he's still alive.

On the other hand, my mom is in some stage of dementia. She usually still remembers us, but she doesn't recall our lives at all. She doesn't remember the ministry trips we took, the times we played music together, and all the things we shared. She has lost the ability to hold a simple conversation although she can answer some simple questions on her better days. 

There is a great sense of grief and loss always sitting just below the emotional surfaces of my heart. Some days I have to fight hard to not be sucked in. Other days, I can handle it pretty well. So, this morning when I turned to a familiar scripture, I was shocked at the parts I'd missed in my BC (Before Caregiving) days.

I was looking for the verse that says, His mercies are new every morning. That was my thought this morning as I was waking up and I whispered a gentle prayer that His mercies would carry me today. I turned to Lamentations 3 and let my eyes walk down the page to the verses I had marked years before caregiving. Interestingly enough, I found something brand new.

In verse 17, Jeremiah says, Peace has been stripped away and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I didn't recall that part of this passage although it is underlined. Perhaps I read it but lacked the understanding before. He goes on to say, I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. I was like, Yes! Someone understands!

Then, what Jeremiah penned hit home. He said, yet I still dare to hope when I remember the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies, I have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness, His mercies begin afresh each day. 

Is it bad that I was glad someone understood enough to put my emotions into words? I hope not because I was elated that Jeremiah seemed to really understand. Even though I feel like I am sad and grieving beyond words on some days - I pulled out this part of the verse - dare to hope. 

Today, I will dare to hope that it will be better than yesterday. I will remind myself of the unfailing love and endless mercies of the Lord who carries me every day. My thoughts and meditations will be on his mercy, His love, His care of me. I will dare to hope that He will carry me through today. Will you join me?

Just Another Day?

 

Chris and I
As I was looking through some scriptures this morning for something significant to share, I thought, it's just another day. That can mean a lot of different things to all of us, can't it? For some, it may mean sitting at home and not working waiting out the pandemic. Others may be working from home and dealing with those new challenges.  Parents are trying to make the best decisions for their kids concerning school and having to choose online or in-person - plus having to juggle their own work schedule to accommodate. 

While much of the world is adjusting to staying at home more - the caregiver can easily sit back and try to keep from laughing. Welcome to our world. We have had to do that too! But our world has remained pretty much the same. We still have to make decisions for two (or more) people, take care of another whole person's needs, and adjust to daily inconsistencies. Our supplies may have been disrupted (that's nothing new), aides may not be showing up to help (again - not new), and loneliness still chips away at our mental health....nothing new here. It's just another day.

But here's where I found some relief and sanity. God does not change in response to anything that occurs here on earth. Pandemic or not - it's just another day to Him too. It's a day where His mercies were new (for our sake) again this morning. It's just another day for His goodness and unfailing love to pursue us. (Psalm 23:6 NLT) It's just another day for Him to pour out His love on us, be patient with us as we work through the intricacies of life, and try to keep our heads above the swelling waters. He hasn't changed one iota. His kingdom didn't change nor did His passionate pursuit of us. He didn't change when we became caregivers. He didn't change when a pandemic swept the world. He remains faithful.

But it's just another day for us too. Another day to pursue Him with our whole heart. It's another chance to learn to trust Him even more. Another day to crawl up in His lap and let His peace rule in our hearts. Just another day to trust Him to carry us through everything we face.

So just another day isn't quite just another day at all, is it?

Today, I will crawl up in His lap and commit to trusting Him with just a little more of my heart. I will purposefully let His peace reign in my heart- especially when my mind tries to run off in so many directions. I won't let this day disturb my peace. Will  you join me for just another day?

Sudden Fear - Sudden Peace

chris and daddy
I love the Psalms. I think one of the reasons I enjoy spending time in them so much is the frank honesty of the writers. When I was younger, I thought they were just whiny. But as I matured I realized a lot of what they express comes with the trials life you walk through. It didn't take me long to figure out that I could be transparent with God about my emotions and thoughts. The psalms are raw, open, and honest and God didn't fry any of them down to their toenails. That was how I was raised. 

Indirectly, I was taught you didn't ask God questions. Who should you ask? You didn't express anger or any negative emotions in your prayer time. Where should they be expressed? One day I got so mad that I yelled at God. I waited for the lightning bolt to strike me dead. Then I realized God knew those thoughts before I spoke them. I hadn't surprised Him - I had actually let Him in. And He gladly walks right into our mess - just so He can be with us.

David said in Psalm 31:22 (NLT) In sudden fear I had cried out, "I have been cut off from the Lord!" Have you ever felt that way? I know I have. Life has a way of battering us around sometimes until we think it was big enough to drive a wedge between us and God - but that is not truth. God is near the brokenhearted so if anything - He moves in closer when we are in distress and emotional pain such as is common to caregiving. 

David goes on to say But you heard my cry for mercy.... and answered my call for help.

What joy and peace get painted into the picture of our lives as we realize He has NOT abandoned us. He still hears our faintest whisper for help. He walks right into the chaos in our lives and brings His peace with Him. Again, it's up to us to accept His peace. Let the peace of God rule in your heart - Paul said.

Today, I will rejoice that He continues to hear my crazy cries. I will be thankful that He doesn't abandon and has no intention of leaving us here in time. Instead, He chooses to walk through time with us - no matter how crazy, uncertain, chaotic, or uncomfortable our time here gets. He is still walking through time with us and He's not going anywhere. I will choose a grateful heart today as I thank Him for the gift of His presence and His peace offered in the midst of the mess. Will you join me in letting His peace reign today?

The Chase

  This morning, I was reading about Benaiah in 2 Samuel 23. He was one of David's mighty men, and these three or so verses are all we kn...