All I Need is One Forever

The caregiver's life is not considered to be normal by most people's standards, because is anything but normal. We do find our new norms and through experimentation find out what works, and does not work for our particular situation; and each one of our situations is totally unique.

While we are all so different in the things we deal with each day, we still share many commonalities. A caregiver's life no matter what can tend to be: hectic, frustrating, endless, tiring, and overall crazy most of the time! (maybe that's just me!)

Our days are definitely not normal. It might be normal for us to keep a bag packed and ready to go in case there's  midnight (or anytime) run to the ER. All our doctor's numbers are on speed dial - and yes there are more than one. We plan our grocery shopping around aides, if we have a good one. We learn how to order everything online - and I mean everything. We also learn to do a lot of medically related tasks that we would have never dreamed of like tube feeding, giving enemas (yes, I said it), administering medicines or even shots, breathing treatments, checking O2 levels and counting respirations. These may be a part of our days- and many people never even think about these types of things, let alone have to do them. And of course, I left a lot out.

So what keeps us together in our own hectic normal? Well, just like each of our normals are different, and we all deal with situations differently because we are still unique individuals, it can vary. What makes it all tick for each of us can also vary from day to day, or even moment to moment. You may find a scripture comforting and peace-giving one day; and only find it frustrating the next. (Maybe that's just me....)

Today what I found comforting is in the last few verses of Psalm 73. Verses 23-26 go like this:

Nevertheless I am continually with You;

You have taken hold of my right hand.

With Your counsel You will guide me,

And afterward receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but You?

And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

But God is the strength of my heart 

and my portion forever.

Several things seemed to grab me and soothe me at the same time during my devotions this morning. First, the psalmist says, "I am continually with You." I found that odd, because we usually say that 

He is with us - not that we are with Him. There is comfort in realizing that He is with us - but if I position myself with Him it's gotta be a choice. To know that I'm with God - and He's walking the journey with me and holding my hand...brings peace to my heart.

But I also really heard verses 25 and 26 - Verse 25 to me states that we have that hope of spending eternity with Him - but we also have the desire to be with Him now, on earth. And here on this earth my heart and my flesh may fail....we can get tired; and be tired of being tired and then get tired of that too! But God.....

He is the strength of my heart - He pours His strength into me when I am not sure I can take on one more thing. And it seems one more things just keep coming sometimes. (maybe that's just me too..) He is the strength of my heart - His presence in and with me gives me the courage to keep on going...one step in front of another no matter what responsibilities we face on behalf of our loved ones. And not only is He going pour His strength into our hearts to lift us up - He is my portion forever. I like that He is all I need forever. 

He provides everything we need to survive today; and He'll do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next,......and the next...... forever. He won't get tired and leave us stranded. He's our portion - our lot - our inheritance - our strength - forever!

Today I am going to meditate on His strength rather than my lack of strength. I will allow Him to fill me up with all He is. I'm going to turn my thoughts to his forever-ness. He is with me forever. He is my strength forever. He is my God forever. He is my peace forever. There's not a lot of forevers....there's only one. But one forever - is all I need.

Where God Dwells

The last few days I've been camped out in Psalm 69, and I found myself a few nuggets I've been chewing on. It seems David was in quite a state of distress again. If you think we as caregivers go back and forth on our emotions - take a look at the Psalms David wrote. His thoughts and emotions were all over the place and often in a single psalm he can go from high praise to the pit. That pretty much sums up any of my days. One minute I'm singing and playing the guitar and the next I feel like I'm emotional stuck in a mud pit. (I know it's just me......)

I think for me it has come down to verse 6 of this psalm. It says: May those who wait for You not be ashamed through me, O Lord God of hosts; May those who seek You not be dishonored through me, O God of Israel. That's been my prayer not just for my life since I've become a caregiver - but BC (before caregiving) too. I've wanted my life to bring God glory - and still do.

Every caregiver has their own situation, but for me it was a sudden thing when my son, Chris, was in an accident. I have shared how I felt faith had failed me and because of my associations with the faith-ers movement I felt like if I had had faith this tragedy would not have happened. I also felt like my trust in God had failed. After all, I had trusted Him to take care of my kids and He let me down. The feelings associated with a perceived failed faith - are devastating.

Over time, I've learned that faith did not fail me - it sustained me. I am not needy, I am not weak,  I am not lacking in faith, I am no less the Christian because it seems my life stopped to deal with this situation - I'm actually right where God dwells. And I like that.

On down in verse 35 of this same psalm David says this: God will save Zion and build the cities of Judah. First of all, I don't need saving so I wasn't sure how to apply this to my life.

Psalm 9:11 says Sing praise to the Lord - Who dwells in Zion. And Judah has always symbolized praise. Let me see if I can get my thoughts right here. God lives in Zion - a symbol of the NT church and we are His dwelling place as believers. So God lives in us. He lives with us - we are Zion.

The second part of this verse says God will build the cities of Judah. My interpretation (loose though it may be) is - He will establish praise where He lives. And He lives - in us. Right here, right now wherever we are - He is establishing praise in us. This means that as we are crushed in the crucible of life the sweet fragrance of His presence which dwells in us - will bring Him praise. Those who see us struggle with life's issues will be encouraged. Our lives don't bring Him shame - we bring Him honor.

Today I will meditate on trusting Him. I'm going to turn my thoughts to how He dwells with me - and in me. I will think about how everything I do for my son brings Him praise. I'll purposefully look for how He establishes praise in my life as a caregiver. I won't fight the song - I'll let it arise today. Will you join me?

Points for Breathing

Do you ever wake up some mornings and think you should get some bonus points just for breathing? I did this morning, there's just so much to get done and a short time to do it. The caregiver's day is full already with our normal stuff, but add in even a small bit of holiday planning and personally, I can go over the edge.

When I'm on overload like that my response is to go into shut down mode. Today I will fight that since there really is a lot to do. Many don't realize how difficult it can be to plan holiday shopping even just for groceries for the caregiver.

The aide will be here for about 3 hours today and I have to exchange a gift and get groceries for the holiday; plus stock up on a few things for the approaching winter storm. Later today everything will be closed - tomorrow is a holiday and Saturday we are having a family Christmas get together just before (hopefully) the winter storm hits. Honestly, I get all stressed out thinking about trying to get all that done in such a limited time frame. Besides the fact that I am one of the only women I know who really doesn't like shopping of any kind to begin with. I really am content with online shopping. I could never go out of the house and that would be fine.

Caregiving on its own is hectic, without the added holiday demands. I really would prefer to just live in the cave like I did for so long; but others tell me it's not healthy, even though it's comfortable! So I will venture out during this holiday season to do what I need to do. Reluctantly. I need extra points for breathing.

During these times when an already overladen lifestyle is complicated by additional responsibilities it's hard to not just shut down. My normal way of handling this and any other difficulty is by going straight to the scriptures. Even though there are not any directly related to finding comfort while facing the holiday traffic (without cussing I hope), there are several that come to mind to help me refocus on what is important and make it through this time of year.

One of my favorites for when things get so hectic is found in Matthew 11:28 where Jesus says, Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

Another one I will rely on today is in John 14:27 where He says, Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Hint: the world ain't got no peace - especially at Christmas time!

During this most generous time of the year the caregiver and the shut-in can be the most overlooked as people go about their hectic lives. But God never  overlooks us - He never ignores us because He thinks something else is more important. He continues to invest in us.

Today I will meditate on the fact that the holidays do not get so hectic that God forgets about us. I'll turn my thoughts to His ever abiding presence that remains with us - and in us - through the darkest, loneliest, most difficult days. He never packs up and says it's too much for Him. He patiently walks with me through each moment of each day; and today I'll put His patience with me at the forefront of my mind and try to be patient as well. Will you join me?

Worth the Wait

When my son was first injured, it took awhile for emotions to settle down. I remember spending lots of energy grasping for answers as to why this tragedy had happened and just trying to pick up all the broken pieces of my life. Just picking them all up was enough for awhile without any thought as to how I might start putting them back together.

There really are not words to describe the rush of emotions that occurred during those first few weeks, or for that matter the years to follow.

I can't even begin to imagine what Job felt like when in a very short time he lost all of his children. He also lost all of his income and wealth and then of course eventually his health was also affected. Honestly, I can say I did not have a response like Job. Oh, I wish I could say I feel to my knees in worship declaring Blessed be the name of the Lord, but I cannot. I was angry, frustrated and felt cheated out of life. And if I'm totally honest - those emotions still run around inside me even after 7+ years.

It took a long time for me to find my song again and to be able to enjoy music at all. Some of this is due to the fact that my son and I shared music together. We were both song writers and musicians and it was often a topic for discussion as was worship.

Job responded to his tragedy by worshiping; I did not. And honestly, I didn't care. My life had been stripped away in a very cruel fashion and it took me a long time to even want to recover. Eventually, I did work back around to total surrender to God but it was a long process for me. And you know what? God was okay with that. Psalm 78:39 says He remembered they were just flesh....He knows our weaknesses and what makes us soul tired. He knows what wears away at our sanity; and what it takes for us to recover. He knows....

I think one thing that helped bring me back to a place where I could worship and trust Him again was realizing that He was okay with my response even though it was unlike Job's. I spent a lot of time with a good for you Job, but I'm just not there attitude. Knowing that God understood that - and wasn't going to fry me down to my toenails with a bolt of lightning - helped me work through the emotions until I could find it in my heart to pray again...to sing again...to worship Him again.

He patiently waits for us - He doesn't push, doesn't condemn... He just waits and understands when we need to work through the process. Perhaps it was this kindness that made the difference. God can handle our questions, they don't scare Him. He can handle our sadness and our frustrations, He won't walk away. He offers His hand and then He waits....for us.

Today I'm going to try to refocus on worship. I'm going to spend some time meditating on the truth that my situation has not changed God one little bit. My thoughts will be on how He patiently waits for me because He loves me; and He thinks I'm worth the wait. That makes me smile. I'll keep my thoughts right there today - will you join me?

The Power of Singular

We ended last week in Psalm 34 and I want to start out this week with it. Last week I shared several points that stood out to me but one particular verse really stuck with me. The first part of verse 7 says this: the angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him....

What really got my attention was that "angel" is singular and not plural. In my mind when I've seen, read or heard this verse I've interpreted it as the "angels of the Lord" were camped all around me.

I actually had a visual of me sitting by a nice, cozy fire in the middle and thousands of angels surrounding me on all sides. So when I was reading this Psalm last week the fact that it is just the "angel of the Lord" really grabbed my attention. It honestly messed up my picture I had saved in my mind. Just one angel?  Is that because I am not important enough for a whole troop? (lol) Or is it because the angel is so powerful - we only have need of one? (Think about that for a bit!)

As I sat here meditating on the solitary angel He as camped around me -- Wait...what? He has one angel - count them - or count it....the angel of the Lord is encamped around me. Let that sink in for a minute - it took me awhile. Once I got rid of the picture of thousands of angels around me - and focused on the fact that there is only one needed....I got a whole new visual.

My campsite disappeared and I tried to picture myself being surrounded by an angel. Seems kinda white and cloud-like fluffy to me! lol -- then I realized my picture had transformed until I could imagine myself in His lap. Think about how you held a small child. You pull them in close to you and wrap your arms around - tucking them into yourself so they are safe and secure. That's how He surrounds us.

Here with His presence surrounding us we find comfort, protection, love, and compassion to make it through the difficult time. Maybe when David wrote this he was very troubled about being chased by Saul and hiding from cave to cave in order to stay alive. Knowing that God was surrounding Him helped him feel safe. He was in a day to day battle with Saul in constant pursuit. It had to wear on him physically and emotionally. He had no where to call "home" and he could not rest anywhere for very long - always moving and trying to stay one step ahead of the one who was trying to kill him.

I think sometimes the caregiver feels like we are caught in that vicious cycle too. David was not in control. As caregivers we have some control but even on the good days we know any little thing can mean a huge mix up. Like David we are trying to stay one step ahead of falling apart, being emotionally distraught, or feeling like we're losing it altogether. On the good days - we stay further ahead than on the bad days.

In the midst of what had to be a very emotional time for David, a time when he was constantly on the run with never a time to relax, he knew the importance of being wrapped in His presence. David was most likely always on guard, always high energy and intense. But he knew how to find the presence of God and worship.

Today I will purposefully stop my fast-paced heart and mind to wait on His presence. My meditation will be on the truth that He surrounds me - encamps all around me - and I will be content with that. (Whether I feel it or not!) On this crazy Monday I will find time to worship, give Him praise - if even for a minute I will focus on Him and realize that He is in my situation with me - around me. Will you join me?

Just What I Needed to Hear!

In my personal devotions this morning I was just skipping around through the psalms. I love the psalms as they are open and honest about emotions and the psalmists have unique ways of expressing how they really feel. Today I was honestly looking for some sort of connection to try and sort through some of my own emotions and stumbled on Psalm 34.

This particular psalm was written by King David. The background of Psalm 34 helps me remember that our Bible heroes did not have fairy tale lives. Most of them are our heroes because of their situations and because of how they faced their fears and foes. This one is no different.

The history behind Psalm 34 is found in 1 Samuel 21. David is running from Saul and had been for some time. We can read about his flight from Saul in a matter of a few minutes without giving thought to the fact that this went on for years. He slept many nights in camps and caves before he ever made it to the castle. He runs to Achish the king of Gath only to be identified by one of the king's servants as the man Saul hated and was chasing.

Verse 12 says that when David heard what the servant said, he greatly feared Achish. So he did what any of us would do, right? He began to act crazily insane as if he had lost his mind! He let spit run down into his beard and I love this - he scribbled on the doors of the gate. The king got angry and asked why they had brought a madman into his house...and David was free. That's ingenious!

This fearful time was what was behind the writing of Psalm 34. David is obviously praising God for the close call and his deliverance. There's so much in this Psalm from honest praise to prophecies about Jesus' crucifixion. But as someone this morning who is ready to feign madness (lol) I picked out a few things that my soul really wanted to hear. Here are the caregiver's nuggets I chose for today:

• v.7- the angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him
• v. 14 - seek peace - and pursue it
• v. 15 - the eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears are open to their cry
• v. 18 - the Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
• v. 22 - the Lord redeems the soul of His servants, and none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned.

This morning I found this psalm full of all sorts of good stuff - but these are the things that stood out to me - the things I need to hold on to today.I needed to be reminded that He is near me, He hears me, and He protects my soul...the part of me that makes me - me.

Today my meditations will be on these 5 things. I will remind myself that His camp surrounds me because I fear Him. That His eyes are toward me and He is listening. That He is near and saves my spirit while guarding my soul. I will not be ashamed for taking refuge in Him. I will keep these things in the forefront of my mind as I go about my day today. Will you join me?

Whatever You Do...

For my personal devotions this morning I was reading in Colossians and stopped in chapter three to ponder a few things. As usual, some things stood out and led me to start asking myself and God a lot of questions. (It's okay - He's used to it! lol) But eventually I worked my way through the whole chapter and began to focus on something that caught my attention for today.

Verses 17 and 23 both start with the phrase: Whatever you do. While verse 17 focuses on words and deeds, verse 23 focuses on work. If I think about these three things - they really cover a lot.

 To me, Paul seems to be encouraging the believers to put a lot more effort and thought into every single thing they do - and to make sure it is all done for the Lord. Now as a caregiver, I think we do what we do for our loved ones because of our love for them - who they are in our lives - what they mean to us; and that's totally acceptable and applaudable. Nothing wrong with it - it comes from our hearts because of our love for them. But what if we did our whatevers for God as well?

I think in many ways as Christians we already do this. Sadly, during the months we spent in a variety of facilities from hospitals to nursing homes and rehab units I've seen families who were not involved with their loved one's care. They walked away. But we did not. We are held at our loved one's side by pure love. I get tired, I get frustrated, I miss my son the way he was - greatly. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other because I love him and want the best for him. I assume you feel similar emotions.

God put His love in our hearts. Earlier in chapter three of Colossians it talks about our lives being hidden with Christ in God. Since this is true, maybe we didn't have our own lives even before caregiving. Before we were a caregiver, we were hidden in Him - now that we are a caregiver - we are hidden in Him. Our status as believers hasn't changed and so our motivation to serve Him shouldn't either.

So when Paul says to the believers in Colossae - Whatever you do - we can figure it's for us as well. I've said it before that we look like Him as we care for our loved one and the same love that held Jesus to that old rugged cross is the same love that holds us by our loved ones side. We look like Him. And all of our words, deeds and work should look like Him as well. As we perform our day to day tasks - and there are many of them - an overwhelming amount on many days - our focus can be on doing them for Him. Or doing them with Him in the forefront of our minds.

If I'm totally honest with you and with myself, I get caught up in the doing and forget about the whys. I think of all the things I have (or get) to do just to care for my son and everything is done from a pure love for him. But my focus should be on God and pleasing Him. I also get bogged down with my work which has to be done to make money (I have this nasty habit - I like to eat!) - but I forget to perform my work tasks as unto the Lord. This shifts all the focus from my situation - from me - to Him. And that's a different world.

Today I will meditate on the truth that as a believer my life is hidden in His. I'm going to turn my thoughts to the truths that do not change when we become caregivers. We are still believers, we are still hidden in Him, His Spirit still lives in us, He still loves us....our spirit didn't change when tragedy struck. I will rest in that today; and I will purposefully think about how I can perform all my tasks, speak all my words, and do all my deeds as unto Him. Will you join me?