Safe in His Embrace

It seems as if I've suffered a derailment of late and I'm struggling to get back on track. With my leg being injured I've had to have lots of help over the last three weeks as I haven't been able to transfer Chris by myself. My friend stayed a few days and my daughter stayed last week to help me out. On the weekends, people have been in and out to help get Chris up or lay him down. Needless to say, it's been a bit hectic, but I'm determined to be back up and going today and hopefully the knee will be nice.

This morning after I got my coffee and sat down I opened my Bible for my devotions and found this piece of paper tucked in Psalm 73. I use two or three Bibles regularly and didn't have a clue what this list of scriptures was in reference to, so I started at the top and read through them one by one looking for a common thread.

By the time I got to the last one on the list I was totally encouraged. I still don't have a clue as to why I started this list - but I'm glad I did. I took this handful of scriptures and turned them into my confessions for the day. In my mind they go something like this:

You are my shield and the One who holds my head up. (Ps.3:3)

You deliver me from my enemies...

You lift me up...

You rescue me...(Ps. 18:48)

Though I feel forsaken,

You will be here with me. (Ps. 27:10)

Your work (in me) is done in faithfulness. (Ps.33:3)

The Lord is the One who holds my hand (Ps.37:24)

My soul clings to You Lord, Your right hand (power) upholds me. (Ps. 63:8)

I am always with You- You hold my hand...(Ps. 73:3)

I'm guessing whatever it was I was studying it was centered around Him holding me. He holds my head up, holds my hand...... He holds me. Somehow I find comfort in that thought today. There's a line in a song I wrote many years ago that goes something like "Let Him hold you - safe in His embrace." That is going through my mind - He holds me - and I am safe there.

No matter what is going on around me, and we all know how crazy hectic a caregiver's day can be, He holds me safe in His embrace. The difficult thing for caregivers is letting Him, and resting there.

Today I'm going to meditate on being in His arms. I'll turn my thoughts to how He lifts me up and holds me. My meditations will be about His faithfulness to sustain me no matter what life throws at me. I will be quiet before Him today and will focus on resting in His embrace as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

The Caregiver's Worst Fear

As caregivers there can be many things that concern us, especially early on. When I first started the caregiving journey, I'd been jerked out of a "normal" life and dealt with a lot of confusion and fear about job, family, life, and simple day-to-day survival.

Over time, some of those fears subsided as I found a new normal - for caregiving - as normal as that can be. All along the way, I saw God provide. I learned to work online honing old skills and learning new ones. When I first brought my son home I was riddled with fear every single time I had to transfer him. I'd literally get sick to my stomach when it was time to get him up or put him in bed. My primary concern was dropping him or hurting him in some way.

There's been fear nearly every time something changed. Lots of questions about if I'm doing the right thing here or making the right choice there. I'm sure you are nodding your heads in recognition. We've all been there; and sometimes still are. (I'm speaking for me at least!)

Can I provide? 

Am I enough?

Will I make mistakes?

Which agency is best?

Should I replace this aide?

Is this the best doctor for my son?

We've all had lots of questions - lots of concerns - many fears. But the last couple of weeks I've begun to realize my greatest fear. I injured my leg on an 8-mile trail run. I tripped and jammed my knees straight into the ground. While I was laying there like a beached whale, other than wondering how I was going to get up, and wondering how bad I was hurt, I wondered how I was going to be able to take care of Chris. 

I often think about getting older and how it's going to look. Will I know when it's time to quit if that happens? Will we both move into a nursing home together? lol - Sounds funny, but it's a reasonable expectation. 

As I have had to call in some babysitters for me the last three weeks, and been largely confined to my recliner and find it difficult to move around, I've had time to think about a lot of things. It's been unsettling to say the least - I am somewhat anal and don't like my norms to be tampered with! lol But I've figured it out with the help of my daughter and a few others who have chipped in to help. I've made it - my son and I have both survived and soon I'll be free of my babysitters. But the fear remains. The what ifs are still lingering in the back of my mind.

Maybe my fears are different than yours - maybe they are the same. Maybe mine are more numerous than yours, or maybe not. But I'm sure there are many discussed and not discussed. What are we supposed to do with that? What do we do when anxieties increase? Take them back to Him.

Two weeks ago I could barely walk and many of my fears seemed to become reality. But I'm nearly through the rough part of the trial and starting to settle back into my norms. I realize all is good - I lived. Chris lived. We worked it all out. Hindsight can be a true learning experience.

I've learned that no matter what - I'm going to run to Him and He will carry me when necessary. It might even be His preferred mode of transportation. (smile) No matter what mess I create or what I face He is there to walk through it with me - even in spite of me sometimes. The world didn't end because I hit a rough spot. Even though my life flashed before my eyes at one point - I've lived to provide more film for a later date. lol

I don't have to worry about being enough because He's got this one. He's got me. I don't have to worry about tomorrow. He's already been there. It's never as bad as it seems - and there's always a way through it. That doesn't mean it's easy; doesn't mean it's short. But there's always a way.

Today I'm going to turn my thoughts back to how I've seen God provide. I'm going to meditate on His ever abiding presence and strength. I'm going to think about having confidence in the truth that He has a hold of me, and He's not letting go. I'll take comfort in the fact that I don't have to deal with but one day at a time - that's how He set it up. I'll relinquish my fears to Him today and let Him care for me. I'm casting all my cares over to Him He can shoulder the burden. I'm geared up to trust Him, to rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

2-Way Psalm

This morning I was reading in Psalm 91. It's been a favorite of mine for years even though I can't grasp it's full meaning. We see the psalmist talking about staying in the shelter and the shadow of the Almighty. And then he goes directly into his own declaration.

I have a vivid imagination, and I'm a writer. So these two verses illicit quite the scene in my mind's eye. As a writer, an inspiring thought goes through my mind and I grab pen and paper to try and capture it. You never know where a thought will lead you - to a devotion, a song, a book!

My active imagination sees David in full armor, of course, as he has a thought and runs to "jot down" these words of inspiration:

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

And then I see him set back and let those words sink into his heart as he meditates on them for a few seconds only to jump up and boldly declare:

I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress!

My God in whom I trust!"

Then, at least in my imagination, he goes back to pen the remainder of this moving psalm. For several verses the psalmist discusses in second person how you will be protected, guided, and free from terror. Here are a few things that stood out to me that "you" (being the one who trusts in the Lord) will do:

you will not be afraid

you will be carried by angels

you  will tread on lions and cobras

you will trample down young lions and serpents

And then in the last three verses, the psalmist hears from God. He totally shifts from first and second person. In first voice the psalmist pens:

Because He has loved me, I will deliver him

I will set him securely on high,

because he has known my name.

He will call on Me and I will answer him

I will rescue him in trouble

I will rescue him and honor him

with a long life I will satisfy him 

and I will let him see My salvation.

I wonder. Do I know His name? Do I call on Him? Do I call Him my God?  Yes I do. I call Him my shelter, I crawl up in His lap, I hide under His shadow daily. I let Him carry me! He is my sanctuary - and I am His. He is my beloved and I am His.

So today I will turn my thoughts to how He lovingly watches our lives play out. My meditations will be on how He longs to rescue my emotions and show me His salvation. Even though I'm not sure exactly what that looks like when it comes, I will continue to trust Him. I will continue to praise Him and I will continue to declare to the Lord: You are my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust!" And I will rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Oh for Grace to Trust Him More

My thoughts are all over the place this morning and I'm trying to reel them back in and keep them balanced. I'm sure I'm the only one who ever has to do that, right?

Cargiving is not for the weak of heart, that's for sure! But today it's not having the heart to carry on - it's the battlefield of the mind that is the problem. In my heart, there's no question. The stamina is there and no choices need to be made at this point.

But my head has to deal with the day-to-day struggles of caregiving. There are so many things going on around me right now that just set me off the edge with tons of questions. Some are simple, like why? I wonder why this ever had to happen. Why my son was ripped away. Why my shattered heart can't heal. Why the grief doesn't go away. Why my life was boxed up and seemingly put on hold.

I've said before it's not the actual caregiving that is the difficult part, it's the heart issues, the living grief and the beating your emotions take on the journey. And that's where I am today. Sorry. But I've learned it is better to be brunt and honest about my emotions - it's the only way to "move on."

In my mind, I see myself like a little girl gathering up this bundle of problems and heading to the throne to see how God is going to fix it. I stand there with my arms full, tears running from my eyes and looking at God with no words left to say. It feels like my life is a big why followed by a huge question mark.

I can think of several scriptures but none bring comfort, none make it all better. Real and raw still exists. It never really goes away, I just deal with it better on some days than on others.Somehow I have to figure out how to put on my big girl panties and walk through one more day.

So, I turn my mind away from my pain and grief and to His word. I think about Joseph and how dejected and lost he must have felt sitting in the dark, dank dungeon for something he didn't do. He figured out how to trust. And I think of Job (I think I'll read Job this week). He lost everything but trust. He didn't even hope God would restore him, he just trusted God with his life. I want to be more like that, even on days when it doesn't come so easy, days like today.

And that is what I will do. I'll think about Job's words, two scriptures stand out. I first think of how he answered his wife when she said he should just give up and die. He answered her with this: Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity? I have to agree. I get so tired of people using the phrase "God is good." when everything goes there way - but I don't hear it at all when things are not going like they planned. He is good period. It's irrelevant whether things are going good or bad - God is good.

The second thing out of Job is his ultimate statement of trust: Though God slay me - yet will I trust Him. That's where I want to be too. I WANT to say that I trust Him on mornings like this when life is crushing me. The words to an old hymn come to mind:

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You

How I've proved You o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

Oh for grace to trust him more...

Today I will meditate on these two scriptures out of Job. I'll pull out my guitar and sing through the verses to this song and let the words sink in. I know God's not trying to slay me...so I need to trust Him to carry me through these times when trust comes harder. I'll turn my meditations to thinking about the times I know He carried me, provided for me and my family and showered me with His great love. I will work on keeping my thoughts there today... and I will trust Him for one more day... will you join me?

3 Simple Words

During my devotions this morning I got a phrase stuck in my head. I as reading 1 Corinthians 1:9 and it starts with 3 simple words: God is Faithful. I spent a few minutes letting those words sink in. I look back over my brief 56 years and think about all the times BC (before caregiving) and during that He has proven His faithfulness.

This phrase is used twice by Paul in this book. Here are the two verses where he uses this exact phrase:

God is faithful, through whom you were called 

into fellowship with His son, Jesus Christ our Lord....

There has no temptation taken you but such as man can bear;

but God is faithful,

who will not let you be tempted above what you are able;

but with the temptation will also make a way of escape 

that you may be able to endure it.

It's those 3 simple words that stick out to me. In the second verse above it's interesting also that He didn't promise a way out of our temptations and struggles - but enables us to endure it. What's up with that? Why didn't He provide a pre-planned escape route? That would have made sense to me. 

So I thought about that for awhile and finally reached my conclusion. In the first chapter, the first use of the phrase, Paul is explaining our calling - it's not about traveling the world and preaching (although that's what I always dreamed of doing), teaching Sunday School, pastoring a church, or anything else in "ministry." It's really that simple. We do not have to go to Bible college, serve on a deacon board or anything else to "fulfill" our call - it is plain and simple - the believer's true call is to fellowship with Him. And you know what's cool about that? The caregiver isn't left out! We can fulfill our calling from our living room!

Once again God has made it easy to get to Him. He may not have pre-planned an escape route to help us escape our troubles and struggles - but He made sure we could always get back to Him. As a matter of fact, He ensured that before He ever said, "Let there be light!" 

Today, I will meditate on these 3 simple words: God is Faithful. I'll turn my thoughts to how He planned out a route back to Him before time began. I'll think about how He sustains us and empowers us right in the midst of our pain. I will rejoice in knowing I can make one more day - and I will rest in Him. Will you join me?

Making a List - Checking it Twice

This morning I continued reading in 1 Peter. I've been meditating on how what He has given us is eternal and wanted to continue that thought. A caregiver's life or even each day canWe  be topsy turvy with things changing on a dime, some days everything is uncertain. This makes it difficult to make plans with family, activities or any thing like that. You never know what a day will bring - we kinda learn to go with the flow and adjust as you go. I think the constant change in a caregiver's life, day, hour and second is why I'm finding these un-change-ables so intriguing.

So this morning I made a short list from 1 Peter 2: 9. Here are four things that will not change for us as believers no matter what picture life paints:

We are a chosen race

We are a royal priesthood

We are a holy nation

We are His possession...

For me, looking at how drastically my life changed with that phone call over 8 years ago - it gives me something solid to stand on just knowing His kingdom didn't change that day, nor did my status in His kingdom.

In the natural - we can't change our race no matter what we do. We cannot change our blood line no matter what we do. We cannot change our birthright - even if we don't accept it. I'm starting to love these things!! Just thinking about how we are His kids and will always be His makes me smile. 

Today I will continue thinking about how His kingdom stands no matter what happens in this earthly kingdom. My thoughts will be on being apart of the God-race, a member of the holy nation of God and part of His royal priesthood. I will focus on being His possession, His kid, the one He loves and I'll rest right there for the day. Will you join me?

Beyond the Reach of Change

For some reason, the last few days have been particularly difficult for me. Memories flooding my mind of the way my son was BC (before the crash) just kept flowing. Sometimes I have to stay off social media to protect myself from seeing what his friends are doing. I'm happy for them, but he got cheated out of life.

I'm still learning new strategies to combat depression and other crazy emotions that go along with caregiving. One of them was of course, getting back to writing my devotions down here. And that's why we are here! :-)

Yesterday I made a few decisions about work and projects that gave me quite the energy boost. I sorted through the things on my plate and am removing all non-essentials. I found that when I took control rather than feeling like I was underneath the load of it all - my energy, perspective and emotions took a huge swing in a positive position.

This morning, when I woke up and reached for my Bible I was thinking I needed to read something about how He accepts us just like we are. This might offer me some affirmation of some sort and help me go ahead and kick those mully-grubs on away.

I found myself in 1 Peter looking for a particular verse that I honestly don't recall right now; but I went back and started in the first chapter where I found what I needed. Isn't that a lesson in itself? When we get in His word and dig around - He'll make sure we find just what we need!

Although this whole chapter filled my heart back up and pushed doubt, fear and depression away - I settled in verses 4-6. Here's what they say in the New Living Translation:

For God has reserved a priceless inheritance for his children.

It is kept in heaven for you, 

pure and undefiled

beyond the reach of change and decay.

And God, in his mighty power will protect you

until you receive this salvation 

because you are trusting in Him.

There was so much more in this chapter, but I bolded the words that seem to leap out at me today. What God has given us and prepared for us is pure and undefiled. Life can't mess it up!! I can't mess it up! It is pure and there is no power or time that can corrupt it. 

And this phrase: beyond the reach of change is what grabbed me. Time cannot water down what He is doing in time. Time will not erode what He has prepared for eternity. It cannot be changed. It does not matter what does or does not happen in time....What He's doing, has done and continues to do cannot be changed. Time is not strong enough to stop or change our inheritance in Him.

So even though our lives are rocked with trauma, sickness, or any other obstacle or situation - He has protected our inheritance in Him. He has protected US in Him and according to Philippians 1:6 - He'll continue working on it until time itself comes to a stop - and we step from one reality into the eternal reality and claim it!

Life can throw some hard blows - but it cannot stop what God is doing.

Each day can bring difficult challenges - but they cannot interrupt what God is doing.

Time can drag us through endless suffering - but what God is doing and has done will continue when time stops!

Today, I'm encouraged once again as I turn my thoughts to the power of the eternal. I'm not sure my head has a good grip on "eternity" but my heart sure is getting it right now! My thoughts will be on the incorruptible treasure I have in Him today. My meditations will be on the truth that what He says - goes. He won't take it back. He won't change His mind. And He won't let me go! And I can rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?