The Caregiver's Worst Fear

As caregivers there can be many things that concern us, especially early on. When I first started the caregiving journey, I'd been jerked out of a "normal" life and dealt with a lot of confusion and fear about job, family, life, and simple day-to-day survival.

Over time, some of those fears subsided as I found a new normal - for caregiving - as normal as that can be. All along the way, I saw God provide. I learned to work online honing old skills and learning new ones. When I first brought my son home I was riddled with fear every single time I had to transfer him. I'd literally get sick to my stomach when it was time to get him up or put him in bed. My primary concern was dropping him or hurting him in some way.

There's been fear nearly every time something changed. Lots of questions about if I'm doing the right thing here or making the right choice there. I'm sure you are nodding your heads in recognition. We've all been there; and sometimes still are. (I'm speaking for me at least!)

Can I provide? 

Am I enough?

Will I make mistakes?

Which agency is best?

Should I replace this aide?

Is this the best doctor for my son?

We've all had lots of questions - lots of concerns - many fears. But the last couple of weeks I've begun to realize my greatest fear. I injured my leg on an 8-mile trail run. I tripped and jammed my knees straight into the ground. While I was laying there like a beached whale, other than wondering how I was going to get up, and wondering how bad I was hurt, I wondered how I was going to be able to take care of Chris. 

I often think about getting older and how it's going to look. Will I know when it's time to quit if that happens? Will we both move into a nursing home together? lol - Sounds funny, but it's a reasonable expectation. 

As I have had to call in some babysitters for me the last three weeks, and been largely confined to my recliner and find it difficult to move around, I've had time to think about a lot of things. It's been unsettling to say the least - I am somewhat anal and don't like my norms to be tampered with! lol But I've figured it out with the help of my daughter and a few others who have chipped in to help. I've made it - my son and I have both survived and soon I'll be free of my babysitters. But the fear remains. The what ifs are still lingering in the back of my mind.

Maybe my fears are different than yours - maybe they are the same. Maybe mine are more numerous than yours, or maybe not. But I'm sure there are many discussed and not discussed. What are we supposed to do with that? What do we do when anxieties increase? Take them back to Him.

Two weeks ago I could barely walk and many of my fears seemed to become reality. But I'm nearly through the rough part of the trial and starting to settle back into my norms. I realize all is good - I lived. Chris lived. We worked it all out. Hindsight can be a true learning experience.

I've learned that no matter what - I'm going to run to Him and He will carry me when necessary. It might even be His preferred mode of transportation. (smile) No matter what mess I create or what I face He is there to walk through it with me - even in spite of me sometimes. The world didn't end because I hit a rough spot. Even though my life flashed before my eyes at one point - I've lived to provide more film for a later date. lol

I don't have to worry about being enough because He's got this one. He's got me. I don't have to worry about tomorrow. He's already been there. It's never as bad as it seems - and there's always a way through it. That doesn't mean it's easy; doesn't mean it's short. But there's always a way.

Today I'm going to turn my thoughts back to how I've seen God provide. I'm going to meditate on His ever abiding presence and strength. I'm going to think about having confidence in the truth that He has a hold of me, and He's not letting go. I'll take comfort in the fact that I don't have to deal with but one day at a time - that's how He set it up. I'll relinquish my fears to Him today and let Him care for me. I'm casting all my cares over to Him He can shoulder the burden. I'm geared up to trust Him, to rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?