The Day at Hand

What are you doing today?  Don't you love it when someone asks that. If you're like me, you don't bore (or scare) them with all the details that come in the caregiving package. I usually, chuckle and say something like, "Oh nothing extraordinary" or "just normal stuff." Because I know they don't really want to know. And it's certain that they cannot even imagine some of the baser things we have to deal with on a daily basis - those unmentionables! But day after day we do the necessary tasks to ensure our loved ones are taken care of and have what they need. It can be so easy to get our focus on the tasks at hand and forget why we are here in this earth to begin with.

Our role as caregivers wasn't necessarily our plan. As children, we didn't say, "I want to grow up and take care of my son with a brain injury." We just took the hand life dealt us - no matter what "kind" of caregiving we do. But that's not why we were born. It does not define us.

This morning, I was reading in 2 Corinthians 4 and I started thinking about so many of the verses that stuck out to me. These are all still true - or they were never true. God still shines His light in our hearts so we can have the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. (v.6) That light still shines, still beckons, still reveals Him in our hearts. It never stops.

And then what I find interesting is that Paul goes right into how we have this treasure in an earthen vessel. One that experiences pain and loss. One that in Paul's words can become afflicted, perplexed, or persecuted. But through it all Christ is to be continuously revealed in and through us. This purpose doesn't change.

Another thing I noted was that Paul used the phrase don't lose heart two times in this one chapter. I'm guessing he was talking to himself as well as others. Why? Because no matter what we are facing in this body Christ is renewing our inner man. And then he finishes out the chapter talking about our momentary, light afflictions...which cannot even be compared with the glory Christ is working in us. He says it is far beyond all comparison. Those  are some powerful words.

Paul's final thoughts remind us that during our affliction we are to keep our focus - not on the day at hand but on the Eternal Day. We are to keep our heart's focus on what we cannot see - and not on the things we can see. That's not always easy - there's so many things to distract us from the glory He is working in us.

Today I will shift my focus to the work of glory that the presence of Christ is bringing about in me. I will turn my thoughts to the life and power He has placed in me and I will rely on that to carry me today instead of my own strength. I will make my meditations be on this treasure we have in our earthen vessel... this house of clay - holds the Spirit of the Living God. That's empowering. I'll keep my thoughts on eternity today and not on the temporal. And with that - I will find the strength to trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Grasping at Straws

I had about a billion things on my mind when I woke up this morning. That might be a slight exaggeration, but not much of one. As the thoughts of the weekend poured through my mind waiting to be sifted, sorted and processed - I couldn't decide what I needed more of as I opened His word to feed my soul.

Where to start? I picked up my Bible and read a verse here and there. They were all good. It's like looking in the fridge for something to eat and you're not sure what you want and everything looks good. I heard of the passing of two friends over the weekend, I tried out a new church, took Chris out twice (which is a huge feat in itself), and have a potential romantic relationship.....(what?) we don't get a break from caregiving to live life. It comes at us no matter what. We already live in a state of overwhelmed and adding anything to it can just put us into overload. Or maybe that's just me.

So, I'm sitting here looking at the scriptures and trying to figure out what it is I need, and what I can share with you today. Do I need peace? Maybe number one for today is a need for comfort? But I also need direction and clarity. I feel very needy all of a sudden (lol). So I opened my Bible to John 14 as that's where I've been studying. It was great to be reminded that Holy Spirit lives in  me - He doesn't pack up and move away when life gets complicated or difficult.

Then I moved to Proverbs (looking for wisdom) and on to Psalms (looking for peace and comfort). As you can see, I skimmed around a bit just looking and gleaning. I am not even sure what I need the most of, then it hit me. He is what I need - whatever that may be. God is with me - He is in me. I don't even have to figure out what it is I need the most - I just need Him. And He is right here.

Caregiving is overwhelming - life+caregiving = ? I don't even know what! lol. I don't have to look for "outside resources" because I have the Spirit of God living inside of me. Once again I reiterate the truth that He didn't move out or step away when we became caregivers. He didn't say - too much for me - I'm out. He moved into our hearts with the plan to stay - no matter what. He walks it with us.

So I do not know what you need today - I'm not even sure what I need today; but I know that it is okay with Him. The main thing to do when we feel like we are grasping at straws is to reach for Him. Let Him bring His peace, direction, comfort, understanding - it's a whole package deal. And He's right here. Wherever "here" is for you. For me.

Today I'm going to think about how He is all I need - whatever that need is - whether I can define it or not. He's everything that is needed. 2 Peter 1:3 will be my meditation. (His divine power has given me everything I need for life and godliness through my knowledge of Christ.) I'm going to rest in that right there - He was not only my righteousness - making me godly and holy, He made provision for me to live life in him. My meditation will be on how He has provided everything I need for living this day. And in that truth - I'll rest in Him and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

He Leads Me

This morning my mind went back to a popular psalm that even unbelievers are familiar with - Psalm 23. My thoughts were stuck on one phrase - He leads me beside still waters  and because I, like most of us, memorized it as a small child, I knew the next part was He restores my soul.

I just let my thoughts go for a bit as I wondered what it would be like to be lead by still waters and how that might be connected with the restored soul. Now I understand still waters. I've been hiking enough to have stumbled on a few places I'd say had still waters. It was peaceful, restful and I didn't want to leave. I wanted to sit there and soak up some of that peace and quiet. Those special spots along the trail do help restore, or reset, the soul. Even for energetic over thinkers, calm waters can have a stilling and quieting effect on the soul. I found myself longing for a quiet spot way back in the woods. Where does a caregiver find a quiet water to soothe the soul?

Our days are filled with activities with barely time to sit for a second and breathe, let alone hide away by a calming stream. David, the psalmist, was literally out in the wilderness, not stuck in the life-wilderness of caregiving, how could it apply to our lives?

He can and will lead us - Holy Spirit can lead us right in to peace. There's an old southern gospel song that says He will calm the troubled water of my soul.....I think that's what He wants to do for caregivers. He understands our souls can live in uproar all the time. We may deal with constant, living grief, feelings of despair, depression, a total aching of our soul, or any other emotional hurt commonly associated with caregiving. But He can lead us into peace without condemning our feelings.

Too often in faith circles, we "aren't allowed" to feel. We may have been shamed for dealing with depression or fighting with grief. We are made to feel like our emotions are sins and so we try to stifle them and hide them instead of bringing them to Him. He is not ashamed of us. He is not afraid of our deepest emotions. He does not condemn us for how we feel or for what we deal with. Instead, He longs to lead us by the still waters of His peace.

Today, I will think about how I can follow Him to the place where He can restore my soul. My thoughts will be on the peace He gives even in the midst of turmoil. My meditations will be on His total acceptance of me and my heart - no matter what I'm dealing with today. I will listen for Him to say peace, be still to my heart and I will yield to that, and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

He is Faithful

I can't believe I did it, but I managed a short get-away. That's one reason I've been MIA for a few days, but I'm back. At one point I was thinking it was going to be easier to stay home than coordinate my son's care for while I was gone. I have some respite that I can use through the Advantage program which helped a lot. Then I have some really great friends and family to help at home. I really don't have to worry about him as he's well cared for on all counts. But getting it all together is something else! But I have to say it was worth it. I needed the break and I hope to take more later.

I went to a lady's retreat at the beach. Just a few weeks ago I had put the beach on my List of Places I'll Never See Again. But somehow, it all worked out and I spent four days there with a group of amazing women. I felt almost normal again. Ha! In the future, I'm going to try to plan more getaways. I came home rejuvenated, but tired, rolled up my sleeves and got right back to work.

While I was at the beach, I had some time to myself. I walked along the beach a few times, and got a few runs in. These times allowed me to do some deep thinking and soul searching. I have come to the conclusion that I'll never be able to figure out all the whys...but I can conclude that He is faithful.

Several people asked me about working online and I began unfolding the story of how I started to where I am now. All I can say - is He is faithful. He has provided all along the way, and I have no doubt that He will continue to provide for us. That doesn't mean it has always been easy, or that I haven't had to work at it, but He's led me through and kept me in the process.

As I recounted parts of my "story" and talked about my son, the realization of how He has cared and provided for us over the years grew. At this point, I can look back and just shake my head as I think about how He has kept my heart in His on this rocky journey. I believe it pleases Him when He sees us continue to pursue Him even in the midst of the storm of caregiving.

We can throw up our hands and give in - or we can throw up our hands in surrender to Him. When we honor Him with praise through the pain or as we continue to look to Him through the tears He is pleased. . When we lift it all up to Him - He reaches down and meets us right there in our pain. It doesn't frighten Him. It doesn't scare Him. He doesn't get tired of us.

God doesn't sigh when we turn to Him again and again. I believe He smiles. Because we keep running back to Him over and over. It doesn't make Him tired - it makes Him glad. He faithfully beckons us to bring our burdens to Him. He is faithful. We can come every single day with the joys and trials of caregiving and it won't make Him tired of us. He'll reach down in our hearts and touch us, strengthen us and give us what we need to make another day. Every.Single.Time.

Today I am going to rejoice that He is not tired of me yet. My meditations will be on His faithfulness and His strength in me to keep taking steps one at a time. I'll turn my thoughts to how He continues to care for me and mine. I'll be thankful for all He has done over these years and I'll continue to trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Double Trouble!

Sunday, when the family was gathered, my daughter sneaked over and got a "siblings" pic. I really think Chris is smirking at her. And he's looking at the camera like he knows what he's doing too! When I saw this photo on her Facebook wall, it brought both joy and sadness. It was a joy to have her take a siblings shot, but I know how difficult this has been for her. It's like I hurt for both my children.

Double pain. I grieve over the loss of my son, and I hurt as I watch my daughter struggle to deal with it all as well. One of a mother's worst nightmares. I'm proud of the woman she has become and how she has let it bring her closer to God, but the journey, like each of ours, has been difficult.

I guess caregiving really changes us, but we don't always realize how much or in what ways those changes are affecting us. They keep telling us that we are emerging a beautiful butterfly - but too often I still feel stifled in a cocoon with no flight in site.

I'm sitting here and reflecting on our memories recent and past and wondering what to do with all the emotions. Then out of nowhere I get this text that just says "Psalm 35." I was like - what a jerk to just send a reference and no point! lol So of course, I opened my Bible and read through the chapter. David talks a lot about stumbling, fighting, affliction, and fighting with his enemies. I'm thinking it sounds a lot like one of my days lately.

As I read through this declarative prayer I found two things that stood out to me. I am still learning about praying about my enemies since we don't wrestle against flesh and blood and aides and agencies....But what did stand out what the declaration in verse 10 - All my bones will say, Lord who is like You....." I really like that - I want my bones to cry out even if my voice can't - and declare that He is Lord of my life.

The second verse that grabbed my attention was the final one. And my tongue shall declare Your righteousness and Your praise all day long. May this be so. May I direct my tongue to declare His righteousness each day - no matter what the day brings. 1 Corinthians 1:30 says that Christ become righteousness for us. That truth cannot be changed no matter what happens to us this side of time. And that's a good thing.

Today, I will continue to say in my heart, Lord, there is none like You. And I will thank Him for becoming my righteousness. I'll turn my thoughts back to the cross where He paid the price for me, where He bore my pain and grief so I could remain in right standing with Him. My meditation will be on how He covers me...forever. I will rest in Him today knowing He has done a complete work by making me righteous and I will rejoice in this and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Mind, Will, Emotions

 As many around the world, my family gathered for Easter Sunday. One thing about my family is we have a rich heritage in the Word and in ministry. It was a true blessing to sing a few songs around the piano and especially to take communion together. I'm proud of my Christian heritage, but that hasn't stopped "bad" things from happening.

My head and heart were still full from yesterday as I awoke this morning. My emotions were still all over the place as I opened my Bible (yes I am old school - I want to touch it!) for my devotions this morning. My eyes landed in Psalm 86. David starts out with a prayer for God to hear his cry because he is afflicted and needy.

Now, I don't think David was whimpering. In my mind, he was just stating how much He needed God. He says, save Your servant, who trusts in You. And then goes on with I cry to you all day long.He lifts his soul to the Lord - that's his mind, will and emotions. The part of David that made him uniquely David. Even though our bodies are all unique and we have distinct features and fingerprints, it's our soul that makes us so unique. We think differently, have different experiences to shape us and to draw from in our thinking processes. We have various emotions and feel things differently. It's the core of our being and the part that can trip us up!

David later says, In the day of my trouble I will call on You - for You will answer me. Then he changes his perspective. In about verse 8 he starts praising God. There is none like You. You are graet and do wondrous deeds.. You alone are God. After that, his tone changes. He begins to pray differently. Instead of crying out - now he is asking, Teach me Your ways...Unite my heart to fear Your name...I will give thanks to You...

Today, I want to skip the first part of this discourse and just go to the second part. I feel crushed beneath the load of life this morning, but I will turn my focus on Him. I'll take the cries of my soul - that part of me that feels, and lay it at His feet and then I will praise Him. My prayers and meditations today will be on asking Him to teach me to trust Him more. I'll lean a little more into Him today and yield my heart to the changes He wants to make in me. I'll yield my heart and soul to Him and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Or What?

One of the difficult things about becoming a caregiver is that life goes on. Please note, it's not like most people mean that phrase. Life as we knew it, life as normal, life like everyone else does not go on. For many of us, life after caregiving is far different than before. But it seems like for everyone else - life goes on. There are two sides of this for me. On one hand it can be difficult watching all my son's friends go on with their lives as they should. they marry, have children, develop careers and have nice little lives. While my son struggles with learning to eat, move and talk again.

The other side of that coin is far different though. It's the part of life goes on that can be rewarding. My daughter married before my son's wreck, but she didn't start having children until a little later on. My daughter and I have talked about how we grieve that her kiddos will never know the Chris we knew. There's a real sadness there.

Last night, my daughter called and said that my granddaughter had fallen in the tub, hit her head, and a huge knot had come up. She seemed okay, but as a precaution they were headed to the hospital to get her checked out. I am not even sure if I can describe my range of emotions. I was angry, fearful, and had tons of what ifs running through my head. I'm an over-thinker and I had all these horrible images running through my head. I wanted to pray. I did pray. But God didn't rescue my son - can I trust Him now?  I heard my heart say - God, I can't take something else, I can't handle if my granddaughter is hurt. I lashed out at Him with my thoughts. And very simply, it was like He said, or what?

I was kind of caught off guard by that addendum to my raging thoughts. But I stopped, and thought, yeah, or what? Am I going to just stop trusting Him now? Will I walk away from Him and stop writing, praying, reading my Bible or pursuing Him? And in that moment, I realized there wasn't an or what. There's nothing I can do to manipulate life to go "my way" because, trust me, if there was I would have used it already!

Life is going to still happen and bad things are going to still happen. And I see absolutely no reason to stop trusting Him now. Instead, I find it drives me to Him more. All those deep-rooted scriptures will just dive deeper in my soul. I'll still say of the Lord - He is my help. He is a present help in trouble (any trouble, all trouble), I still run to Him with my heart's cry. I will still trust Him. I do still trust Him. And if something else does happen, I'll just learn to trust Him more. There's not an or what?.

He is the only constant in my life (see yesterday's post!). He will still carry me. He will still comfort me. He will still be with me. I'm not moving - and He's not moving.

My beautiful granddaughter is fine. She had a blast at the hospital I'm told. The nurses loved her and had fun with her and fed her snacks, and she even thought the CT scan was cool. lol She has a huge knot on her head, and a headache (she says her hair hurts).But she's okay. I'm okay. And God's okay with that.

Today I'm going to focus on trusting Him more. My thoughts will be on how He moves in closer when "bad" things happen - never further away. I'll meditate on how He is always present which means He is always right here no matter what the day brings - a true present help in trouble. I'll think about how my family has trusted Him as our refuge over the years - and that's not going to change with me. And today - I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?