Simple Act of Reflection

I'm still studying and sharing out of Psalm 119 in a Facebook group I work with. I had forgotten how much I loved this psalm.This morning, one verse, in particular,  stood out. Verse 55 says I reflect at night on who you are, O Lord, and I obey your law because of this. (NLT)

What I got out of that was reflecting, or thinking about who He is, keeps me on the straight and narrow. Because of who He is I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. When I think about His power, His greatness, His majesty, His Lordship, His Kingship... and I could go on - I can't help but worship Him and obey Him. (These two are inseparable btw.)

Where my thoughts went with this verse was to the fact (truth) that nothing here on earth changes Him one iota. Whether we face good days or bad - He's still King on the throne. His throne was not moved by my tragedy. His power was not weakened by my battle. His position on the throne did not shift in any manner because of anything I may have faced. No matter how good - or how bad life may be, it does not change Him. Nothing on earth affects who He is. He remains unchanged. And this keeps me on the straight and narrow.

Today, I'm going to meditate on this verse and reflect on who He is. My meditations will be on how He remains. He stays the same. He is still faithful. He is still all-knowing and all-powerful and life doesn't have the power to change Him or diminish Him in any way. He's still the God I trusted in my youth and as I face older ages He will remain the same. I'll be thankful for that today. Will you join me?

I Trust God

If you've read this devotion much you know I love the Psalms. Lately, I've been in Psalm 119. Sometimes, it's nice to read it slow and just digest it. This psalm is of course long, but it's broken up into little bite-size pieces. I've been taking it a chunk at a time. It's easy to tell David had a love for the word of God.

As the psalm unfolds, David continues to talk about the word and how he meditates on it, thinks about it, searches for it, and just generally loves it. Today I focused on verses 41 to 48. But my mind settled on the first two verses this morning.

May Your lovingkindnesses also come to me, O Lord,

Your salvation according to Your word;

So I will have an answer for him who reproaches me,

For I trust in Your word. (vs 41-42)

These two stood out because they stirred up some memories of my past. I recalled a time I was reproached for being ill. A woman literally sat by my bed telling me all the things I was doing wrong. She told me my sin held me in the sick bed and until I repented, I would not be well. I was so weak. I could barely speak. But I would whisper, I trust God.

During that time I held on to Psalm 57:1 and to His promise in Psalm 103 that He would renew my youth like the eagle. I clung to those two verses. I confessed them. Meditated on them and made them my focus. And just like He promised, He raised me up from the deathbed. My mom had planned my funeral - it looked like there was no hope. But He chose to take away my reproach. I had no answer but that I was trusting in God.

Recently, my son's situation, my situation, my family's situation as caregivers was a reproach to some. Later, they said it was just a misunderstanding and they tried to dismiss it as such. But some hurtful things were said to my daughter. A friend's son suffered a brain injury in a terrible accident. My daughter was told to not contact them. The implication was that we obviously didn't have the faith for Chris to be healed so don't contact them or we might make them doubt or cause them fear. Once again I felt that reproach. The emotions of that moment I do not want to relive. Yet, I will still say I trust God. 

Some reproach caregivers. They have no idea. It's been an amazing journey. Of faith. Of hope. Of love. Of self-discovery and God-discovery. But it's not a reproach. I trust He continues to give me answers to those who would bring reproach, those who look down on our situations as if there is no hope. Really. We are filled with hope - His hope carries us through each moment of each day. After nearly 10 years of disappointments, trials, struggles.. I can still say I trust God.

Today, I make that my declaration again - I trust God. No matter what today brings - I will continue to trust Him. I'll meditate on his faithfulness as I continue to trust. I trust God - today and every day. Will you join me?

4 More Rocks

As we gradually get better, the fog clears a bit. lol - Who am I kidding? The caregiver's fog is a forever thing, I think. Some days are better than others, yet even what seems to be a simple thing can be complex for caregivers. I will say the last couple of weeks have been very challenging, first with my own illness and then with Chris' Sigh. I think (hope) we are through the worst of it now and can start the recovery process.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been discouraged. I've been way down... trying to dig out of the deep, dark fog... down. I'm not sure discouraged can even describe the way I felt, especially last week. But it'll have to do for now.

One of the scriptures that came to mind as I was trying to crawl out of the foggy pit, is 1 Samuel 30:6. It says David encouraged himself in the Lord. David was in a very difficult spot. He and his warriors had just returned from battle to find Ziklag plundered and burned to the ground. Their stuff, their wives, their kids - all gone. The city was destroyed.

Verse four describes their heartbreak by saying, Then David and the people who were with him lifted their voices and wept until there was no strength in them to weep. I can honestly say I've been in that emotional spot where there literally wasn't strength to weep anymore. It's rare for me - but it happens.

So, I wondered just how David encouraged himself in the Lord. Did he think back about Goliath? Did he consider how God led him to take down that giant with a single stone? He knew it had been God's hand that delivered Goliath into his hand. In 1 Samuel 17:37, David stated that the Lord who had delivered him from bears and lions - would also deliver him from the hand of the Philistine. There was no doubt. I wonder, is this what David was thinking about as he encouraged himself in the Lord?

When David went out to face Goliath, he stopped at the spring and picked up 5 smooth stones. Did you ever wonder why? It may have been one of any number of reasons - but I heard one time that it was because Goliath had 4 brothers and maybe David thought - if I take out one - the other four are gonna show up too. Maybe he was preparing for an onslaught. He knew if God gave him one - He could give him the other four too.

Caregiving seems to be like that sometimes. It's not just one thing. It's a whole lot of things stacked one on top of the other over and over again. We have to face each day, not with just one stone to take out a single giant, but with many stones as there are many giants in the land. It wars at our souls, and digs at our emotions. Caregiving can be discouraging, disheartening and debilitating. But there is hope.

How can we encourage ourselves in the Lord even in the midst of an unchanging situation? It might take four more stones on top of four more stones and then just four more stones. That's really not an exaggeration. We have to remind ourselves that God is still in the business of felling giants. And He knows we have many of them to deal with. But, He let us take out one - so He'll equip us to take out the rest.

Ziklag was just one dark moment in David's journey. He'd had many before, He'd have more after. Today is not our end-all either. There have been good and bad moments- and there will continue to be good and bad moments. We just need to remember that God is there to help us overcome each and everyone. He always makes a way to escape.

Today I'm going to think about those other four stones in David's pouch. My thoughts will be on how he took out Goliath with one stone - and how one solid word of truth can take out any giant I face today. But then, I'm going to think about how there are still four more in reserve. My meditations will be on how there will always be enough to take out Goliath and his four brothers. I'll remind myself that God will always make a way. Just like David recovered from Ziklag God has a recovery plan for me too. I'll lean in to Him today so I can hear Him more clearly. I'll wait for Him and trust Him to deliver me from the giants of today. Will you join me?

Crazy Days of Caregiving

Forgive me for my absence. Chris and I have both been sick with whatever viruses are running rampant right now. It's no fun being sick yourself, or watching your loved one feel ill. But I know you understand how difficult it is to care for someone else when you are not feeling up to par. As caregivers, we don't even get time to be sick. What can you do, right? Our loved one still needs to be bathed, changed, fed, gotten up, etc. Who has time to lay in bed and recover? lol

Add to that this frustration. I get up. I'm tired. I'm sick. I can barely get myself out of bed. I think, the aid will be here at 9. He can help me get Chris up. Guess who doesn't show up? And guess who hasn't shown up for nearly 2 weeks now? Yup. A glimpse at the life of a caregiver. We have to laugh to keep from crying.

Well, no matter what, I am upright once again and the doctor is coming to check Chris out today. Maybe we are on the mend, finally. As I get back around and try to get back to the normal crazy days of caregiving, I'm reminded of a scripture from Psalm 119. Verse 50 says this This is my comfort in my affliction, that Your word has revived me. The old KJV says that your word has quickened me. Put life in me - made me feel something again. And that is where I am right now in life.

The word continues to quicken me, put life in my tired old body. I can be as tired as all get out, exhausted from either being sick or taking care of Chris, and the right word at the right time can rejuvenate me. One verse can just pop out at me and change my perspective about my day. May it always be that His word puts life in me like that! As long as His word quickens me - pours supernatural energy in my soul - touches my heart... I will be comforted. I'll know I'm okay. If the word no longer touches our hearts  - it's time to do some deep soul searching to find out why.

It's amazing to me how the entrance of His word brings light into the dark night of the soul. His word can just march right into the depths of my hurting heart and touch just the right spot, add a spark of life and bring comfort to my soul. It's amazing to watch it work. My part is to always position myself so that His word has room to change me. May caregiving ever become a distraction to His word. May my heart never be so burdened with the cares of caregiving that I can't be touched by His presence. May I always be tender enough toward Him that just reading His word quickens my soul.

Today, I will meditate on His word and I will purposefully position myself to hear Him. My thoughts will be on how I can keep myself in a place of humility - ready to receive from Him. I'll remind myself He is still here, He hasn't left, He hasn't moved, He isn't going to. And I'll rest in that today as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

No Response

What's on my mind this morning is not something new, I've talked about it a lot. You know as caregivers, we learn so much about caregiving, about life, about ourselves on this journey. I'm still learning about the depth of the love of God.

I've said it before, but it bears saying again that I understand just a small piece of God's unfailing love for us. I remember standing by my son's bed one day and realizing it was a deep, intense love that held me there. I understood that it was that same love that held Christ on the cross for me, for you.

Some may question it - and I don't think it will ever be understood. I'm talking about how we can love someone who cannot reciprocate openly. Maybe they cannot express it, but you know they love you. In some cases, those who have dementia or other issues like my mom become different. Often they are combative or very NOT loving. But we love anyway.

I think about the way God loves us even when we can't reciprocate. Even if we act out - He loves us. If we can't express a love for Him - or don't even know we love Him - He still loves. He loves not to get something back - but because it's true love.

May we take today and meditate on His great love for us - whether life is ugly or pretty, we are acting out, depressed, unsure of the future... or anything else that can be on the caregiver's emotional plate. He continues to love beyond our lack of response - or even through an inadequate or inappropriate response - He just loves.

Today I will make His love for us my meditation. I'll continue to think about how much He loves me even when I act ugly, or life gets ugly. I'll take some time today to be grateful for His unending unwaning love for me - for us. Will you join me?

Total Dependence

Some nights when I get Chris to bed, I crawl up next to him to snuggle and tell him "good night." Sometimes he pushes on me like I'm in his space and he wants me to go away. lol Other times, like last night, he looks me directly in the eyes as if to communicate he loves me. At least that's what my imagination says, and I'm not going to argue.

After I posted this picture in his group page on Facebook last night, I sat and looked at it for awhile. I've learned so much about love, self-denial, God's love and myself on this caregiving journey. But that's not where my mind went this time.

This time, I thought about how Chris is dependent on me. For everything. His food. His safety. His comfort. His therapy. Literally everything. He can't do anything without my help, except complain about my help. That's okay though, it means I'm doing my job.

As I thought about my son's utter dependence on me, I wondered what it might be like if I was utterly dependent on God. What if I relied on Him for my every move? What if I trusted Him for every bite of food, my clothes, my care, my safety, my soul, my health?

My son was an adult when his accident occurred and he was taking care of himself. But with the head injury, he became dependent. It's normal to refrain from being dependent on something, or someone unless we just have to - but what if we just decided to become totally dependent on Him? What would that look like?

What if we waited for Him for our breath?
What if we waited for Him for our sustenance?
What if we waited for Him for our provision?
What if we waited on Him......period?

David must have had a clue. He gave us glimpses into waiting on Him in several psalms.

Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. (Ps. 33:20)

My soul waits in silence for God only; from Him is my salvation. (Ps. 62:1)

My soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen for the morning; Indeed more than the watchmen for the morning. (Ps. 130:6)

Today, I declare my total dependence on Him. I will command my soul to wait on Him. I'll let Him fill in the gaps. My meditations will be on waiting on Him in silence. (That's the hard part.) I'll think about being less independent - and much more dependent on His word and His way in my life. I'll wait for Him for direction, for provision, for comfort. And I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me in becoming totally dependent on Him?

He Really Will

Sometimes in caregiving it's easy to lose sight of the simplest things.Maybe it's all the tasks we have to do just to get through the day that sidetracks us. Perhaps it's just the day and time we live in. There are many nights when I look up and it seems I've been busy all day, but I still have so many things to accomplish before I can call it a day. It's true I think even for non-caregivers.

As I am writing this devotion this morning I've got a full itemized list of the things I need to get done today going through my head. They are spilling out onto paper as I make my "to-do" list for today. As I write things down, I put an asterisk beside the ones that simply cannot wait until tomorrow. I'm already wondering how I'm going to get it all done. And of course, on top of that, the aid comes from 9 to noon so I can run errands (that isn't even on the list). But today the pulmonologist is coming. I guess that's a good thing, but it sucks some of that time away.

This morning as I got up and around early, I had a scripture running around in my head. I sat down with my Bible and my coffee and read Philippians 1:6. It's familiar to anyone who's been in church circles for any amount of time. It simply says He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Christ. It can be so easy to be distracted by caregiving, but He really is still working on us and in us. And He really will continue working in us until He is done.

He doesn't look at our busy lives and say not today. lol. He's not perplexed by our crazy by-the-seat-of-our-pants schedules. He doesn't worry about whether or not He will be able to finish what He started in us. And again, there is no exclusionary statement saying this verse doesn't apply to caregivers. He will finish what He started in us. His work is never unfinished or undone. He continues to breathe His life into us. We are still His workmanship. We are still the apple of His eye. We are still His child. We are still hidden safely in Him. He won't give up or walk away. He won't wring His hands in worry. He just continues to work in us, through us, and for us. Even in caregiving.

Today I am going to meditate on this scripture with a heart of gratitude. I'll turn my thoughts to His work, and away from mine. My meditations will be directed to considering His work in me and on His faithfulness. I'll work hard at getting in step with Him and walking alongside what He is doing. And I'll wait for Him to continue working in me, through me, and sometimes in spite of me. :-) I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?