Always a Winner

Isaiah 54:17 says no weapon formed against you shall prosper. I recall learning this scripture and committing it to memory when I was in my early 20's. It soon became one of my go-to verses whenever I faced a struggle or attack of any kind. When life hit a rough spot, I'd begin to proclaim No weapon formed against me shall prosper. And sure enough, before long the situation would resolve, I'd get it worked through, or God would deliver me out. There was always a way through and life always went on. But I was missing this one little point.

The whole idea behind this encouraging scripture is to be able to look life's struggles in the eye and declare they are not what identifies us, defines us, controls us or brings us down. We forget sometimes though that weapons will  be formed. We will face struggles. We will meet with obstacles. We will have hardships to endure. This is not a magic potion that keeps all the bad stuff from happening. It's encouragement to know that when things come at us - we will still win. Trials and tribulations are going to be part of life - but no matter what life throws at us - but we will come out as winners - as overcomers every single time.

As caregivers, we can face a lot of stuff. Every day. Personally, I struggle with depression. The aloneness and social isolation can be debilitating. The quietness of being alone can be deafening. I also struggle with fear. What am I afraid of? Pretty much anything and everything. (smile) The feelings and emotions of caregiving can make for some pretty powerful weapons for the enemy to forge against me (us?). But they are not going to win because I won in Him.

I can hold on to this scripture - and realize that weapons are  going to be formed against me. There's not a pie in the sky life that is free from obstacles, hurt, grief, problems and such. This scripture doesn't promise that there aren't struggles - it doesn't say you'll never have an attack again; or there will never be a weapon formed against you. There will always be something - but we always have the power to win.

How am I so sure we win? Because of the second part of the verse. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their vindication is from Me, declares the Lord. Vindication in this verse is also interpreted as righteousness. We don't have to work to be righteous. 1 Corinthians 1:30 says that Jesus became righteousness for us. He is our righteous covering and no matter what comes at as or what is forged against us - we are righteous in Him. Caregiving isn't big enough to change our standing in God. No struggle defines us - He does!

Today I will turn my thoughts to being hidden in Him. I'll meditate on the truth that He is my righteousness and I'll let that define me today - not the struggles. I'll be thankful today that He doesn't look at me through a lens of my struggles, but He looks at me through the righteousness he provides. He sees me righteous, holy and complete in Him, even if I feel broken and incomplete. I'll remind myself that when He looks at me - He sees me in Him and I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

An Intense Need

Today is a new day. That may seem like basic knowledge - but I need to hear and believe that this morning. I do not know about anyone else, but I've had a few rough days lately. The odd thing is that things are going quite well. My head tells me there shouldn't be a struggle as nothing much is actually going on. But no matter how hard my head tries to convince me that all is well, my heart is discouraged and having a difficult time. 

I suppose there doesn't really need to be a reason. Caregiving is tough and no one is going to argue with that. Especially not anyone who has done it for any amount of time on any level. For whatever reason, I'm having trouble sorting out the emotions at the moment. The good thing is that I know it will work out, I'll level out and I'll carry on. It's what I do. It's what we do - pretty much every single day. We pick it up - plaster on a smile - encourage our hearts and continue to put one foot in front of the other no matter what we face.

This morning I was reading in a familiar passage that I've read many times before. I started in Isaiah 53 where Isaiah was in the middle of prophesying about the crucifixion. I was meditating on He bore our griefs and sorrows. It may be more accurate to say I was thinking that since He bore them - why do we still have them? How do we know He bore them? Is it by faith - the same faith that we hold on for healing whether we see it or not? I have no doubt He heals. But I also know that there are still people battling illnesses so it's not all gone forever. I must assume that our griefs and sorrows are like that too - I really don't know.

I know that caregivers can live with what is called a living grief. We grieve over our loved one - in my case, it's a grief over the son I lost - even though his body, and he, is technically still here. Others may grieve over what never was. There's also a different grief we can experience as we see our elderly loved ones begin to decline later in life. No matter how it is sliced up - grief is grief. And it's difficult. and sometimes it's constant.

During those times, I'm learning to lean in to Him just a little closer. Maybe I'm becoming needy - but it's a needy I don't mind because I realize my intense need for Him. I need Him to carry me. I need Him to comfort me. I need Him to hold me. I need Him to be near me. I just need Him, and I'm learning there's nothing wrong with this kind of needy.

Do you need Him today? Is there an area in your heart you need Him to touch? I have some areas that are in need of His touch for sure. No matter where we are in our walk - caregiving or not - our hearts cry out for His touch. There are areas set apart just for Him and nothing else will do.

Today I am going to meditate on this intense need I have for Him. My thoughts will be not so much on what I think I need - but on who I need. I'll turn my thoughts to His presence and rejoice that He is walking this with me. I'll be content to have Him near - and I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

No Room in the Inn

 Do you ever get "it" all gathered up and have it under control? As caregivers we understand that emotions can be everywhere, especially until we get used to our new normal. Then we level out to a place where emotions running on high is a regular. For me, I have settled into caregiving and gotten used to living on this special type of edge. I'm okay most of the time, by just about anybody's standard, but it doesn't take much to send me on over. And it doesn't have to be anything huge, just something new or different introduced to my new norm.

This is where I have been; all leveled out. Hanging on, doing good. And then.......

First, decisions to go out are still difficult. I'm not sure anyone understands that. There are times when I want to get us out, but I get so tired just thinking about all it takes to do that. And we stay home. It's also a lot emotionally to step into many normal settings. No matter how much better my son is doing, we are doing, we still stick out like a sore thumb. There is no longer any such thing as a quiet entry. 

Last night I was struggling with such a choice. Do I stay home and work? Or do I take off a bit, load Chris up and drive out for some live music and "bike night"? After much contemplation, I decided the best choice for my son was to suck it up and get us out there for a couple hours. So I loaded him up and drove out to bike night. It was crowded and the handicap spots were taken. I was surprised by the rush of emotions I felt and had to work through. My assumption is that the cars in the handicap spots were there legally - but I felt like we were so left out. There was no room for us, not in normal life. I drove around two or three times trying to figure out a way to make it work, but there wasn't a place for us so I returned home disappointed and slightly broken.

It's really not that big of a deal, and I really should be used to it - but it's like being displaced....in life.. permanently. As I was trying to sort out the emotions I prayed. Lord, where do I put all this? Will this ever be different? Do I really need for it to be different? How do I adjust to this in a healthy way?  I tried to refrain from using superlatives like this always happens or no one ever has room for us.  But they seemed to flood my busy mind.

After we stopped for ice cream (chocolate is an anti-depressant :-)  and I got my thoughts all sorted out - I realized no matter what happens, no matter where we "don't fit" or how we stand out or can't get in - there's always room in His heart, and at His feet. So that's where I headed with my emotions and my heart.

The psalmist said in the 94th psalm - When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. I've read it before, but this time I noticed the term multiply. I'm thinking maybe more like exponentially multiply within me because my head runs away with 'em!

In the 139th Psalm, David said, Search me O God and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts.  I think what sticks out to me is that He knows and He hears every single thought - now that's crazy intimate. I soon became overwhelmed with the thought that He could keep up with the super hyper way my head runs - and it didn't scare Him away. There was still room for me at his feet, in His heart. And actually, not only was there plenty of room with Him - He makes room for me, for my son, my heart and my thoughts. We are welcome there with Him - up close and personal.

His peace and acceptance still amaze me. I've walked with Him for what seems like most of my life - and He still wants me near. When it feels like we are most alone - when it seems like no one is walking the rough road with us - when it feels like we are shunned by the norms of the world and others stare awkwardly - He opens up His arms and His heart even wider to make sure we feel accepted. He loves every part of us - even the broken parts.

Today, I'm going to meditate on His acceptance once again. My thoughts will be on how He loves us in our brokenness, in our abnormal life, and welcomes us wholeheartedly. I'll tune my heart in to how much He loves us - and how welcome we are to be in His presence. As a matter of fact, I'll meditate on how eagerly He awaits us and I will rest in that feeling and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

A Full Plate

Today is a "normal" morning for me. My head and heart are going 900 miles an hour in every direction. I've said before that caregiving itself is heavy enough without having to deal with the rest of "life." This thing we call life doesn't slow down for us just because our plate is full with taking care of another person.

If your day is anything like mine, it's filled with cooking, cleaning, working a job, paying bills, and all the caregiving tasks that go along with taking care of your loved one. On top of all the "normal" stuff there is bathing, dressing, transferring, feeding, meal prep, and waiting to see if the aide shows up today or not. (lol) Our proverbial plate is full to the point of overflow. Let just one little thing happen and........

I may be the only one that explodes or implodes or throws up their hands in disgust, disbelief or discouragement when seemingly little things rock the boat. (I know, it's probably just me....) When my daughter was little, she asked me why we cry when we are happy. The only explanation I had was that we had a little "emotions cup" and when it gets full, then the emotions run out our eyes and it doesn't matter if that's a happy or a sad cry - it's just our emotions leaking out. I find that as a caregiver, that make-believe cup is always full and always leaking out. However, it can leak out in many ways from quiet tears to loud outbursts of anger.

So what are we to do? We can't stop life from happening around us. How to we manage this fullness? 

My immediate answer today is to run to Him. In the early years of caregiving, honestly, I was too mad at Him to do that. As I've settled into this role and figured out that there's not really anywhere else to run, it's once again become my immediate response. That feels good actually. No one else understands our hearts like He does. Know one else understands, or can handle, all our (my) random, crazy thoughts like He can. I don't confuse Him! lol My emotions being all over the place never make Him want to quit. He never  says - I don't know what to do now. He doesn't get bewildered, upset, or cranky like I do! (I'm sure that's just me too....)

The cool thing is, that He is that stable force in my topsy turvy life. He is that constant that never changes. No matter how crazy my day, life, thoughts or emotions get He's still right here. His hands are always outstretched ready to embrace. His heart is never too full to sweep me in and carry me. He doesn't get tired of caregivers, like people do. He never gets to the "end of His rope." He's not distraught, discouraged, or derailed by my crazy life.

As a matter of fact, a scripture comes to mind: Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. (Romans 15:13 KJV) It really is possible to abound in hope in our circumstance. And it truly is possible to be filled with joy and peace no matter what we are facing.

Today I will shift my focus from those things troubling my heart - to the fact that He fills me with joy and peace. My meditations once again will be on the truth that He doesn't give up on us. He doesn't throw up His hands or throw in the towel. He gently, sometimes quietly, walks beside us - carrying us when necessary. I'll turn my thoughts to His gentle peace and rest in Him as I let Him guide my steps through this day. And I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Adjusting my "I Will"

I wasn't really looking, but I found myself in Psalm 7 this morning. I'm not for sure, but I may have found every caregiver there too. :-)

Work is super busy and I'm trying to plan a getaway for this weekend so I had my morning all planned out and was going to do this devotion a little later in the day. Honestly, I'm not sure why I was even thinking that because after the day gets roaring there's not hardly time to breathe. It turned out to be a thought that didn't matter as my Bible fell open to Psalms this morning and captured me.

Sometimes as caregivers our thoughts and emotions can be all over the place. One second we are fine, the next second we are crying, grieving, and lost. But then, we wipe our eyes and our nose, get back up, roll up our sleeves and get right back to work. I call that resilient. Maybe David gave us a glimpse of ourselves in this short psalm.

He opens up the psalm with a simple prayer for protection. I come to You for protection, O Lord my God, save me....he begins. It may be only in my imagination, but it seems stark fear sets in between verse 1 and verse 2 - maybe he thought, what if He doesn't save me this time?  Because he then goes into what may (or may not) be a frantic thought - If you don't....I'm going to be mauled like a lion and torn to pieces. Well, how many mornings have caregivers thought that? God be with me today -- if you're not - I think I'm going to die.

After his prayer - and a bit of fear, I find the next 4 verses almost funny, only because I relate. David repents - just in case. And says basically, if I'm guilty then let my enemies capture me and trample me to the ground. Then he shifts gears once again - Arise O Lord! 

This is my day in a nutshell. Prayer. Fear. More prayer. Repent (just in case). Prayer. It can seriously be a vicious cycle - asking God for help to make it through the day, wondering if He really will, fearful of what happens if He chooses not to - and back to a prayer of total trust. We see that in the last verse as David cycles through all the emotions and lands on a point of praise. Praise always wins!

In verse 17, after he's run through his emotions, the strength and wickedness of his enemy and his fears, he ends with an I will......

I will thank the Lord 

Because He is just.

I will sing praise to the name 

of the Lord Most High.

I can't tell you how many mornings, afternoons, evenings and in-betweens I've worked through this cycle. Maybe you have too. We don't deny the emotions of caregiving. We don't act like it's easy, or it doesn't hurt, or it isn't real. We just bring an open, honest heart before our God and say - here I am to worship......still.

Today I will get my "I will" in order. I will stop and just thank Him. I will sing His praise - not because I live a pain-free, easy, life - but because He is worthy of praise. My meditations will be on Him - and not my surroundings. I will shift my focus onto Him instead of my not-so-normal situation and I will let Him carry me. I will rest in Him and trust Him for one more day - will you join me? What is your I will for today?

Part-time God?

I've been doing some research for a project I'm working on and it has had me looking back through much of the Old Testament. I love the New Testament, but I equally enjoy the Old Testament, so I don't mind a bit!

While doing some of the background reading, I spent some time reading in Exodus. I find this to be one of the most exciting books in the Bible. Even though there is a lot to glean from this adventurous book, one little scripture captured my attention.

Exodus 25 is smack dab in the middle of the instructions God is giving Moses for building the tabernacle. This section of scripture is so important because the blueprints God gave Moses are shadows of the heavenly according to Hebrews 8. And that's why I paused to meditate on Exodus 25:30. Here's what it says:

You shall set the bread of the Presence

on the table before Me

at all times.

On one hand, it would be easy to read quickly over this one verse without understanding its significance. But me? Nope. I can get hung up on a thought or phrase for long periods of time until I exhaust it through study, thought and divine revelation (sometimes!). Why do I think this little known verse is so important? And why is it significant to caregivers? (I'm so glad you asked!)

It's this one little phrase at all times that sticks out for me. Since we understand from the writer of Hebrews that it's heavy with symbolism, I have to think that the Bread of the Presence being on the table at all times signifies the constant-ness of His presence. He doesn't look at me like a part-time job. He is ever present, ever ready to be part of my daily life.And that just makes my day!

When I became a full-time caregiver, I didn't realize how my relationships with others might change. Many "friends" were not able to make the journey with me. I recall when my son was still in the hospital and a friend asked what they could do for me. I said - call me every day. I needed someone to just help me see outside my fog... I didn't talk to them again for over 6 years. 

Relationships can be very different for the caregiver - but God is our constant. He is that at all times bread of the Presence. There's no part-time care for us, part-time watching over us, part-time loving us - He's all in! He continues to invest in our lives because He knows we'll all reap the results in eternity. And just like that bread of the Presence was to always be on the table in the tabernacle, His presence is always on the table of our hearts. Remember, He told us in the new covenant the word wouldn't just be recorded on stone like it was in Exodus, but that His word would be written on the tablets of our hearts. (Hebrews 8, Jeremiah 31) He's in us. He's with us. His presence is ever-abiding. We are not His part-time job... He's all in.

Today I am going to keep my thoughts on how He is full-time focused on my heart. My meditations will be on how ever-abiding He is. He doesn't walk away, He doesn't forget to call, He doesn't call it quits. He is constantly available for me and is always watching over my heart. God isn't a part-time God - He's all in. I'm going to rejoice in that truth today as I rest in Him and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Facing the Enemy

One of the side effects of the alone-ness that accompanies caregiving is when things go wrong, there's no one close to blame. Of course, I'm kidding just a little bit. As a sole caregiver, I am left alone to make decisions both big and small. Sometimes they are right - and sometimes they are wrong, but they are mine and I own them!

So when I was reading Psalm 94 this morning about the attack of the enemy David was experiencing, I looked up (figuratively) to see no one there....still. It's just me and Chris day in and day out. I don't have someone breaking down my door to come in. There's no one standing outside mocking me; and no one is spouting out discouraging words to try and make me quit.

So how can I relate to an enemy like David faced? Mostly, my enemies, for they are many, are the voices in my own head. I second guess almost every single decision. Sometimes, it feels like my own faith is mocking me for holding on through this storm. Thoughts can run around crazy in my head. Discouragement is always knocking at the door, but I don't have to open it. I do not have to embrace crazy thoughts.....they are not always all mine. Even though I cannot relate to David's facing a battle worn enemy, I can identify with a barrage of thoughts, events and situations that constantly attack my heart, emotions and mind.

In the heat of the battle for the faith, I have to pull out these three verses from Psalm 94 to hold on to today:

Unless the Lord had been my help,

I would soon have dwelt in the land where there is silence.

When I said, "My foot is slipping,"

Your mercy and loving-kindness O Lord, held me up.

In the multitude of my anxious thoughts within me,

Your comforts cheer and delight my soul. (Amp)

Now that's some things to think about right there! When we feel ourselves slipping into discouragement or feel depression trying to close in we can trust His mercy to hold us up. Personally, my thoughts are my worst enemy sometimes. A simple memory, or thought can spark a series of hurtful thoughts and I feel my mind and emotions being dragged down into the pit. Over the years, I've developed strategies to try and keep my head above water when the enemy comes in like that. But it is His mercy that keeps me afloat!

We are in good company with the psalmist here. David said he was experiencing a multitude of anxious thoughts. That's an everyday occurrence for many of us. It's a constant struggle to keep them from taking root in our minds and hearts. As an over-thinker, I have us all dead before anything actually happens! (Hopefully, that's just me! lol)

But I can always trust God to comfort my soul. He can delight my soul in ways that another person cannot, because He can touch parts of me that people can't reach. He pours in His joy, peace and comfort when I run to Him. His mercy holds me up.

Today, I'm going to give Him all my anxious thoughts one.more.time. And I will pour them out before Him and let Him replace them with peace and comfort. I'll rejoice in the fact that He is big enough to handle my crazy thoughts and calm my fears. My meditation will be on how He delights my soul, just by being present. And I'll lean in to Him a little closer as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?