No Room in the Inn

 Do you ever get "it" all gathered up and have it under control? As caregivers we understand that emotions can be everywhere, especially until we get used to our new normal. Then we level out to a place where emotions running on high is a regular. For me, I have settled into caregiving and gotten used to living on this special type of edge. I'm okay most of the time, by just about anybody's standard, but it doesn't take much to send me on over. And it doesn't have to be anything huge, just something new or different introduced to my new norm.

This is where I have been; all leveled out. Hanging on, doing good. And then.......

First, decisions to go out are still difficult. I'm not sure anyone understands that. There are times when I want to get us out, but I get so tired just thinking about all it takes to do that. And we stay home. It's also a lot emotionally to step into many normal settings. No matter how much better my son is doing, we are doing, we still stick out like a sore thumb. There is no longer any such thing as a quiet entry. 

Last night I was struggling with such a choice. Do I stay home and work? Or do I take off a bit, load Chris up and drive out for some live music and "bike night"? After much contemplation, I decided the best choice for my son was to suck it up and get us out there for a couple hours. So I loaded him up and drove out to bike night. It was crowded and the handicap spots were taken. I was surprised by the rush of emotions I felt and had to work through. My assumption is that the cars in the handicap spots were there legally - but I felt like we were so left out. There was no room for us, not in normal life. I drove around two or three times trying to figure out a way to make it work, but there wasn't a place for us so I returned home disappointed and slightly broken.

It's really not that big of a deal, and I really should be used to it - but it's like being displaced....in life.. permanently. As I was trying to sort out the emotions I prayed. Lord, where do I put all this? Will this ever be different? Do I really need for it to be different? How do I adjust to this in a healthy way?  I tried to refrain from using superlatives like this always happens or no one ever has room for us.  But they seemed to flood my busy mind.

After we stopped for ice cream (chocolate is an anti-depressant :-)  and I got my thoughts all sorted out - I realized no matter what happens, no matter where we "don't fit" or how we stand out or can't get in - there's always room in His heart, and at His feet. So that's where I headed with my emotions and my heart.

The psalmist said in the 94th psalm - When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. I've read it before, but this time I noticed the term multiply. I'm thinking maybe more like exponentially multiply within me because my head runs away with 'em!

In the 139th Psalm, David said, Search me O God and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts.  I think what sticks out to me is that He knows and He hears every single thought - now that's crazy intimate. I soon became overwhelmed with the thought that He could keep up with the super hyper way my head runs - and it didn't scare Him away. There was still room for me at his feet, in His heart. And actually, not only was there plenty of room with Him - He makes room for me, for my son, my heart and my thoughts. We are welcome there with Him - up close and personal.

His peace and acceptance still amaze me. I've walked with Him for what seems like most of my life - and He still wants me near. When it feels like we are most alone - when it seems like no one is walking the rough road with us - when it feels like we are shunned by the norms of the world and others stare awkwardly - He opens up His arms and His heart even wider to make sure we feel accepted. He loves every part of us - even the broken parts.

Today, I'm going to meditate on His acceptance once again. My thoughts will be on how He loves us in our brokenness, in our abnormal life, and welcomes us wholeheartedly. I'll tune my heart in to how much He loves us - and how welcome we are to be in His presence. As a matter of fact, I'll meditate on how eagerly He awaits us and I will rest in that feeling and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?