That Catalyst

 I just love finding "new" things when I read the Bible. I"m reading it through again this year, but I've slowed down in the first few chapters of Exodus. We know God's word doesn't change, but how we see it often does. I don't know how many times I've read the account of Moses and the burning bush, but this morning, there was a phrase that caught my attention. I am reading the English Standard Version this year.

In Exodus 3, we find Moses hanging out on the back side of the desert. He is there because he killed an Egyptian and fled in fear. But here God is getting Moses' attention with a bush that is burning but not burning up. God begins telling Moses of the mission he is being sent on - go back to Egypt and get My people! Moses has all sorts of arguments, but he starts with who am I? 

In just a couple of chapters, Moses has been born, spared by being put in a basket, raised in the Egyptian pharaoh's house, realized he was not Egyptian, killed a man, and ran to the back side of the wilderness. He's also found a friend in Jethro and married his daughter, and had children. So Moses was not totally alone, even though he was separated from his family. 

We tend to ask Moses' question a lot, who am I? Why would God want to use me? How in the world could God use me? Like Moses, we don't quite fit in with any crowd or people group, and as caregivers, we often find ourselves in the back side of life's wilderness. However, I loved God's reply to Moses. Moses knows who he is not - he's not really an Egyptian, but he doesn't fit in with the Children of Israel either. Perhaps he suffered from some identity crisis. Who knows?

God's answer is not grammatically correct. Lol. (Yes, I am the grammar police!) His reply to Moses' question started with, But I will be with you... Everyone knows you're not supposed to start a sentence with and or but. Lol. God did. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty certain that Moses was feeling a bit overwhelmed by the situation. Can't we relate to that? God did not reaffirm Moses' list of whys. He didn't even acknowledge Moses' shortcomings. He simply said - But I will be with you...

That phrase this morning was a catalyst for my emotions. Just knowing that no matter where life takes me or what it throws at me - God willingly walks through it with me. Now, thankfully, He's not sending me on some big mission. But He has got me caring for one of His kids, as are you. It's safe to assume that He is with us too!

Today, I will remind myself that God's "but" can change my circumstances too. I'll meditate on how He chooses to be with us - like, on purpose, even. He's with us because He wants to be. No one is coercing or convincing God that we need Him here - He chooses to say to us today - But I will be with you. And in that truth, I can choose to rest in Him and trust Him for one more day on the back side of the wilderness. Will you join me?

And God Knew

 I just love how familiar scriptures can just jump out at you with something totally new. I know the word does not change, and it stands forever. But our circumstances, experiences, perspectives, and situations change often, which helps us to see those "new" tidbits from His word. It was there all along, right? But experiences grant us greater understanding. And this is exactly what happened to me this morning.

I'm reading the Bible through again this year, and this morning, I started Exodus. I am using a totally different translation than I usually use. Typically, I use the NASB and the NLT. Just for a little different "flavor," this year, I'm reading the English Standard Version. I have lots of thoughts on the first chapter of Exodus, but those may be for another blog. Lol. What grabbed me this morning was the last 3 verses of Exodus 2. The ESV says it this way. 

During those many days, the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered His covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jakob. God saw the people of Israel --and God knew.

For some reason, this morning, it just hit me that God knew. I know He knows. He sees. He is present, etc. But I found comfort this morning in reminding myself that He knows. He sees those sleepless nights. He knows the struggle of choosing work or caregiving. He knows my crazy thoughts and how they may run crazily rampant but always make their way back to Him. He knows. God even knows all those things we don't dare say out loud. He knew. 

Today, I will find peace and comfort in knowing that He sees and knows my entire situation. I'll remind myself that nothing is hidden from His sight - not even the deepest wordless, tearless groanings of my heart are hidden from Him. Knowing that He knows, sees, and understands will help me hand all my cares over to Him as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

                                                                                                                                          

In My Tomorrow

 Earlier this week, I took an evening to sit at the piano and play some songs I've written. I have a big notebook of songs - some not worth mentioning, lol. But there are a few that I think are pretty good. Whether they are "good" or not - it's fun to sit and sing them from my heart, knowing that it's just between me and God.

I played and sang through so many different choruses, just enjoying the memories of when, where, and why they were written. Some were in response to a painful moment in my life, while others were just an overflowing of praise. I started at the front of the notebook and just played through them one at a time. Then I came to a little chorus I wrote in February of 1999. I recall some of the things that were going on in my life at the time as I penned these lyrics.

Some things in my life I can't deny

Some things still make me ask "why?"

But I can't deny  Your mercy

I can't deny Your grace

I can't deny the work of Your love

And I can't deny Your faithfulness to me.

For Your name has been a mighty, strong tower

You've been my refuge from the storm

You've kept me through the flood

and You've kept me through the fire

I can't deny Your faithfulness to me.

(C) 1999 J. Olinger

As I began to sing the second part - "Your name has been a might strong tower," I was overcome by emotions as I realized what I'd gone through since these words were penned. I realized the faithfulness of God that kept me yesterday - had been in my tomorrows all along. As a matter of fact, it's still keeping me! I tried to sing, but the tears won out, and I felt such joy. I saw how He had literally kept me all these years through many floods, fires, and other crazy situations. Gratitude doesn't even come close enough to describe my thankfulness. He's never left me - as a matter of fact, it seems more like He had grace prepared to carry me through whenever I reached a new tomorrow.

Today, I'll reflect on how He has continued to supply the grace I need. I'll think about how He has kept me no matter how hot the fires of life got or how deep the waters ran. And I'll remind myself that He prepared for me to trust Him today while I was still in my yesterday. And while I am in today - He's got grace ready for tomorrow. I can trust Him to keep me covered as I journey through one more day - will you join me?

Up in the Mix

 

As fellow caregivers, I don't have to talk to you about those long nights we often endure. The last few nights have been those types of nights, as my son has been ill. He made a turn for the worse over the weekend, and I found out yesterday that the tests ordered by the doc's office on Friday showed bacterial infection of some kind. But, of course, they had the weekend off. I'll spare you all the details, which you are probably very familiar with anyway! Suffice it to say that had I not called yesterday to say -something is still off - they wouldn't have told me until today. But we would have been in the hospital by then, no doubt!

My point is that it was inconvenient for them to take care of this situation since it happened before the weekend. They clock out at 4 on Friday and go home, leaving my son to get sicker so they can have time off. And, of course, they need time off, right! I say all this to say that after haggling with them all day and riding them to get something done, last night was still a long night of keeping a watch on oxygen levels and temperatures. 

When I got up this morning, I was thankful we hadn't had to make a hospital run, and all of Chris' numbers are good. I've even turned his oxygen down a bit, and he should get off it later today. I began to thank God for improvement. And then I just outright thanked Him for not taking weekends off! Lol. Isaiah 40:28 reminds us that He doesn't get weary (although I do!!), and He never gets tired (I am!). And Isaiah 43, which is one of my favorites, reminds us that He is with us through the fire, flood, and anything else that comes our way.

That got me to thinking even more, and my mind began to run through scriptures where God showed up instead of clocking out.

• Hagar: God showed up, not once, but twice for Hagar!
• Moses: Moses was living in a self-imposed exile because he had killed an Egyptian. God showed up in a burning bush at a very lonely time.
• 3 Hebrew Children: God walked through the fire with them!
• Daniel: God's angel came to shut the lions' mouths.
• Storms: Jesus walked out to His disciples in the middle of the storm.

I am tired today - but rejoicing that God doesn't sit on the outskirts of our situations waiting for things to get better to make an entrance! Instead, He stays right in the mix and walks, swims, paddles, or runs through them with us!

Today, I will be thankful that God doesn't clock out and go home. I'll remind myself that He doesn't stay on the outskirts cheering us on - but rolls up His sleeves and walks through our complicated lives with us. I'm going to make sure I stay close enough to Him today to rest my heart in His. Will you join me?

                                                                                                                                                           

A To-Don't List

 Do you ever have those days where you feel like you are behind before you ever get started? Maybe a better question would be do you ever have a day where you don't feel like you're behind before you get out of bed? Lol. No one is going to argue that our lives are hectic and most of the time we are running on overload. For me lately, I've also been dealing with sleep deprivation, which is very common among caregivers. All together, it can make for one big emotional mess, am I right?

Generally, I keep a running to-do list. I try to prioritize items that are have-to-do-todays and push other things off to other days. But lately it feels like there's a huge backlog. I just can't get ahead. I do find my to-do list helpful, though. We can be quick to condemn ourselves. It's easy to look at the day and think of all the things we didn't get done, and ignore the things we did get done. Because it never seems to be quite enough. (Maybe it's just me.)

This morning, as I was jotting down my lengthy to-dos, I realized I was scolding myself. My mind was running along all the ways I felt like a failure. We have enough on our plates without talking badly to ourselves, don't you think? Yet, I'm so quick to condemn myself for not "getting enough done." How do we quantify "enough" anyway?

When David felt overwhelmed in Ziklag, he encouraged himself in the Lord. He found himself in quite a mess. Neither side wanted him, and all his stuff and his wives had all been plundered. The New Living Translation says, David found strength in the Lord his God. There is absolutely no reason why we cannot do the same! No matter how overwhelmed we are, or how much we have going on in our heads or around us - God can and will still give us strength. We can encourage ourselves like David did. (I Sam 30)

I think I will start a to-don't list. It'll look something like this:

• Don't get discouraged.
• Don't tell yourself that you are not enough.
• Don't talk negative about yourself or too yourself.
• Don't tell yourself how short you fell, remind yourself of what you did get done.

We have enough going on without being our own worst enemy. God is still on our side, and He's not going anywhere! Even if we don't feel like we have it all together, we can encourage ourselves by acknowledging that He is with us. 

Today, I will tell myself that I am enough because of His presence with me. He will undergird me, sustain me, and keep me while I care for my loved one. I'll remind myself that in those moments that I cannot see or feel He is still carrying me. I don't have to measure up or "be enough" while He's carrying me - because He's got it all under control. With that I will rest and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

                                                                                                                                                           

Casting Call

 You know that scripture that says to "cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you."? (1 Peter 5:7) Well, I propose that it's easy to read, easy to say, and harder to do. Peter is calling the readers to toss all our cares on God and let Him do the caring for us. But for me, as a caregiver, I have a little glitch, and it seems to be a bit more complicated of late since my son's had some upper respiratory stuff going on, and I'm getting less and less sleep.

I'd like to write God and Peter some letters and ask them about the logistics of this verse. Even if I do accomplish the task given, and I'm able to hand God all my cares - there's still so much to get done. He obviously doesn't come down and take care of my son for a day so that I can have a day off. Lol. So, when I don't feel I understand a scripture or I have trouble with its application - it's a sign I need to dig a little deeper, right?

If we go back and read this verse in context, maybe it'll help. Actually, verse 7 is not a stand-alone sentence, it starts with a comma, so it's a continuation of a thought. Verse 6 starts with a reminder to humble ourselves before God so He can exalt us at the right time. Then it continues that with - casting all your care on Him. Next, Peter reminds the new believers to be sober and vigilant - and then tells them why. Because our enemy would like nothing more than to find us vulnerable so he can take advantage of us and devour us, if possible. And then the connection comes. Suffering.

The Christians Peter was writing to were being persecuted beyond what most of us can even imagine. Caregiving brings with it a whole different type of suffering, but it's still a suffering soul as we care for our loved ones. Grief often fills our hearts whether we are mourning a parent or elderly loved one who can no longer function as they used to, or are caring for a child who never got to reach their potential or anything in between or beyond. There is suffering. There is grief. There is giving up of our own desires to care for another person. All admirable and inspiring to others. But it still hurts.

Finally, I found what I needed. At last, I found the missing part of casting it all over on Him. It's in the last part of verse 10. After you have suffered a while, Peter says, then God (the one who is carrying our hearts, our cares, and us half the time), will mature, establish, strengthen, and settle us. Just a brief look at the Greek terms used here in my handy-dandy Strong's lets me know it's worth a little more study! 

Even in the midst of suffering, hardship, calamity, and just an overall bumpy life - God is working His plan through us. So, when we cast our cares over to Him (even if we have to do it 900 times a day), He helps us mature in Him, be established in His word, get stronger so we can run to Him faster, and He settles us forever as one of His own.

Today, I'll first remind myself to give it all to Him over and over again. Then, I'll meditate on these four things that HE works in us - when we give it all to Him. And to think He does that even in the midst of suffering. He doesn't wait until we have it all together - He just waits until we wait - on Him. So, today, I will wait on Him to rescue my soul and fill it with His peace - even in the suffering and hardships of the day. And I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

The Seer

 This morning, during my devotions I made a new discovery. We know that God's word doesn't change, but we see new things when we read it because we've changed. Hopefully, it means we are growing in faith, grace, and our knowledge of Him. So, even when we read a familiar passage like I did this morning, we see new things.

I ended up in Genesis 22 this morning. This is a super familiar passage to me as back in my "ministry" days I taught from it often. We have Abraham offering up his son, Isaac, as a definitive act of worship. After the angel came and rescued Isaac, Abraham declares that God provides. However, when I looked up the Hebrew for that phrase in the Strong's Concordance, it says something a little different. Now our old definition and interpretation is not wrong - God provides. But it goes a little deeper than that.

The actual phrase in the concordance says, Jehovah will see (to it) or Jehovah-Jireh. It definitely means that God provides - just as we've learned to confess and claim all these years. God is indeed our provider and we all could share testimonies to solidify this truth. But the initial phrase - "Jehovah will see (to it) - is what caught my eye. Because just a few chapters back Hagar had come to the same conclusion - God sees.

Here we have the Father of our Faith and a common slave girl both declaring that God sees. He saw the frightened and alone slave and caregiver, Hagar worried for her son. But God also sees Abraham in his most painful moment of obedience laying the promise of God on the altar at His request. We can be sure that God sees us as caregivers. He doesn't exclude the rich or the poor. Our socioeconomic standing doesn't influence whether He sees us or not. He doesn't pick and choose - He sees us all.

He knows when we have long nights that include 2:30 AM breathing treatments. He sees when we need to empty bedpans. (Let's be real here!) He sees when we are crying out to Him in despair. And He sees and understands when we trust Him with all our heart - when we have full understanding or no understanding. He is the ultimate Seer. And He gets us.

Today, as I go about my caregiving tasks, I'll remind myself that God sees it all. Even the hard parts. He doesn't stand outside a closed door and wait for us to get done. He's in it with us - He sees us do each caring task for our loved ones. And I think He may celebrate just a little bit because we look a lot like Him. I will invite Him to walk through this day with me - will you join me?

                                                                                                                                         

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