God is Mindful

Life is not "normal" for caregivers even though we find our own kind of normal to deal with our unique situations. We adjust. We proceed. We get through. But oftentimes, I find myself so on the edge emotionally that any little thing sends me flying off into the emotional pit of despair! lol (maybe that's just me......)

This week has been more than enough for a normal life, let alone a caregiving life. I will spare you all the details, but the biggest problem by far was being without internet for nearly two days. I handled it well, I think. I painted, I learned some new chords on the ukulele and spent some great time with my grands. But I got behind on work, so now my frustration level is greater than it was before.

That's just one of the additional situations I'm dealing with on top of caregiving. Sometimes it feels like I am stretched tight like a rubber band and I'm going to pop with any more pressure. Life can feel really ugly sometimes, and I don't always deal with it well. I've learned to find beauty in little things like dainty flowers along the front walkway, or those "weeds" out back that bear beautiful flowers. And of course, they get cut down because they are not valuable to others  - they only bring beauty to my eyes. No one seems to understand that, and that's okay.

So, the other day as I was going through my aunt's things and found that beautiful poem by my grandmother - I also found one by someone I don't know. It says her name is "Sister Pauline Relaford" and she cared for her mom through a long illness. Here's what the top of the paper says: Sister Pauline Relaford faithfully cared for her beloved mother during a long illness. Sometimes she felt unimportant and forgotten, and grieved that she could not come to church or serve her Lord more. After her mother's death, the first Sunday she came to church the Lord gave her this song to sing in the midst of the congregation.

They said God was not mindful 

of the little that we could do:

Said that He was not mindful of me,

Was not mindful of you, 

That God was only mindful

of the mighty and the brave.

I said, Thou speakest as a foolish one, 

Besides that thou hast spoken much too late.

For the story of the poor widow

Quickly I did recall,

How when she cast in her little bit,

Jesus said she had given more than ye all.

I know that God is mindful of that great eagle

with wings that soar toward the sky,

But He is mindful of you and I.

I walked by a bed of violets

And God made me to know

That if I were to caress them,

Even I'd have to bend down low.

As I did kneel to caress them,

Again He made me know

That He was mindful of the little things,

Lest why did those violets grow?

Yea, He is mindful of the widow,

Mindful of the sparrow,

and that great eagle that 

Goes toward the sky,

He is mindful of the violet 

and mindful of you and I.

I don't know about you - but I know about me. I needed to be reminded to keep finding beauty in the little things. And that God sees the little things - including me. I can feel so insignificant. And I am - in the big scheme of things. But He knows. He sees. He is mindful of you and I.

Today, I will remind myself that He does see where I am and the biggest things that weigh me down. And that He also sees the little things that add to the weight of the journey. He sees the delicate flowers and knows how much they help my soul - and He is the one who keeps my soul! I'll trust He can carry me through today and I will let Him do that. If you need carrying today - will you join me?

My Own Personal Bubble

As a caregiver do you ever feel like you live in a bubble? I sure do. For the most part, if I'm home I don't realize how un-normal my life is. Probably because it's become my new norm. It's a norm filled with lots of visits from case managers, nurses, doctors, and deliveries with a few surprise runs to the ER like yesterday. although each of our stories and days has differences, our norms include changes, dressing an adult, pureeing foods, tube feedings, spoon feedings, transfers, standing frames and range of motion exercises. Most of the time, we probably don't even think about those things - we just do.

But when we get outside our comfortable norms, it can seem like we are in a bubble. Many times in public we are ignored. People cut in front of Chris' chair without a second thought. Others let doors go just as I am getting there - which is fine - I CAN do it myself - but it's just rude. Some of it, I'm sure, is my own awkwardness - conversations are not the same if they happen. If they do happen, they revolve around caregiving. Of course, that's obvious - it sticks out, right! lol But there's more to me than caregiving - I write, I play music, I read - but no one seems to be able to see past the chair I'm pushing - into my bubble.

I used to be such an extrovert - and in many ways, I still am. But I have begun to feel so awkward in social settings. It can be much easier to stay home than to get out in my own personal bubble. But you know what? When God looks at us - He doesn't see someone in a bubble. He sees us - as believers as part of the kingdom of God. He is not afraid to come into our bubble and meet us on a heart-to-heart level. He's not scared of our emotions as cra-cra as they can be! He won't shun us or ignore us because we look different than everyone else. He sees us exactly the same - a person who is pursuing Him - someone who is covered by the blood of Christ and standing in His righteousness - just like everyone else who believes. He loves us right where we are with all our caregiving baggage It doesn't put Him off - it makes Him want to come closer.

David said it this way in Psalm 34:18-22

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,

And saves such as have a contrite spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous

But the Lord delivers him out of them all.

He guards all his bones - not one of them is broken.

Evil shall slay the wicked,

and those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.

The Lord redeems the soul of His servants,

And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.

God delivers our soul - our bubble-wrapped soul! That's our mind, will, and emotions. He can come in like no one else and redeems what is troubling us. He gives us strength for this journey - strength to equal the amount we lean on Him - He's got our hearts and that's what matters most. 

Today, I will rejoice that He is not afraid to come in my bubble with me. I'll meditate on His great care and love for us as caregivers. I will be thankful for His presence in the midst of the trouble - and I will trust Him just for today - will you join me?

My Grandmother's Poem

Yesterday was a rough day, rougher than usual. As caregivers, our emotions often stay on the edge and it doesn't take much to tip us off. Well, yesterday was my tipping off point. The everyday stuff for us is enough, isn't it? I mean, come on life - my mom has dementia, I am an LD caregiver for my aunt (I went to see yesterday), and I am a full-time caregiver for my adult son who is total care due to a brain injury. Too many things have happened in the last couple of days and my emotions, nerves, mind, etc. are all on edge. Why can't life just let up a little now and then?

I came home from seeing my aunt in the nursing home and was a bit frazzled. My heart and mind were racing. For me, one strategy for not getting taken down in life's swifter currents is to do something different. Not work. Not my norm. I spied a briefcase I'd brought in from the garage as I've been going through my aunt's things. As I unlatched it and opened up the top to see a poem in my grandmother's own handwriting was laying on top. The title is My God Can Handle This. 

I'd be lying if I told you my eyes didn't sweat a little bit. I turned the old papers over and found the date on the back. She had written it in 1959 one year before I was born.  Here I sat looking at her words 60 years later as they ministered to my heart in my present situation. There is no telling how long it's been tucked away in this briefcase, but it was right where I needed it yesterday. I'll take it as an indirect encouragement to continue to write an publish my own writings and poetry. (Check out my first digital poetry book!) Here is my grandmother's poem - still ringing true - I hope it ministers to your heart too - God really can handle this!

My God Can Handle This

Stuck with a problem you've not had before?

Feel that you're wounded, forsaken and sore?

Sorrow and trouble both beat on the door?

      My God can handle this!

Can't see a glimmer of light out ahead?

Darkness and terror and mountains of dread?

Stick out your chin, brother, God isn't dead!

     My God can handle this!

Feel all you've made of your life is a mess?

No one to help you, and no one to bless?

Say, listen. Brother, you don't have to guess!

     My God can handle this!

Down on your knees, with your bundle of woe!

He's there to give you a hearing, and so - 

Try it and see, brother, then you will know - 

     My God can handle this!

Looks like the world's in a terrible scape-

Nothing but suff'ring and warfare and rape-

Now, listen, brother don't hang out in the crepe - 

     My God can handle this!

Now is the time, brother, lift up your head,

Take down that Bible that you haven't read-

Dust off its cover and see what is said-

     My God can handle this!

Find there each promise to you certified -

Signed in the Life Blood of One crucified -

all hell defeated, the day Jesus died!

     My God could handle this!

Up from the grave! Brother listen to me!

Christ is the answer for you, can't you see?

all pow'r is His: you can have it for  free!

     My God will handle this!

(C) Maxine Emerson September 11, 1959

Hard Questions

I woke up with a particular scripture on my mind this morning. It didn't take long until I found it in Habakkuk. Since the whole book only contains three chapters I decided to read the entire thing. I'm glad I did. It started out with the prophet asking a lot of questions. He was asking God for some answers.

In the first chapter, Habakkuk starts with a question I believe to be common for some caregivers. O Lord, how long shall I cry, and You will not hear? David asked similar questions in Psalm 13... On this caregiving journey, I must say I have wondered if God still hears my cry - if He still understands my heart. Habakkuk goes on to ask God why He allows me to see trouble....

God did answer Habakkuk, but the prophet came up with more questions. The discourse continues for the first couple of chapters. Chapter 3 is Habakkuk's prayer which ends with the verse I was looking for. Before I get to that, let me say God is not scared of our questions. I've asked some hard ones - some crazy ones. His shoulders are big enough to carry all my concerns. He doesn't get scared and He doesn't run away. I really think the fact that we still ask questions indicate we still trust Him and we are still looking to Him.

See, Habakkuk ended this short book with his statement of faith. I think maybe we should make it a caregiver's motto. Habakkuk didn't clearly understand the devastation and turmoil he was witnessing - and God didn't just make it all go away. As I look at my personal caregiving situation - I know my aunt will pass one day. I know my mom will too. But my son is young - I could very well live out the rest of my days just.like.this. I have to adopt Habakkuk's Hymn of Faith.

Though the fig tree may not blossom

Nor fruit be on the vines

Though the labor of the olive may fail

And the fields yield no food

Though the flock may be cut off from the fold

And there be no herd in the stalls

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord 

I will joy in the God of my salvation

the Lord God is my strength.....

Notice the "I will" in his faith statement. Today, I will find my I will. No matter what it looks like - no matter what it feels like - no matter what I face... I will yet praise Him. I will trust Him for He is my strength. I will be confident in Him. What is your I will today?

Everything is Beautiful

My mom has dementia. I am not her caregiver, my dad handles everything. I know a lot of caregivers who are taking care of family members suffering from this horrible disease. I told Daddy that mama isn't the one suffering, it's us.

Mama is happy. She sings all the old hymns. Randomly. While she's eating. In the middle of your sentence.. or her own. lol. She's as content as she can be. This was the first time she didn't know me at all. She usually figures it out after I am there a while. But not this day. It was hard on me - even though she was just as chipper as she could be.

Even though she cannot remember, I have lots of memories of the things we used to do. We were good friends and worked in ministry together often. It doesn't seem fair. She was vibrant, joyful, super talkative - never met a stranger. Mama was a Bible student and taught any time she was asked to. She was a Sunday School teacher, evangelist, youth pastor, and pastored a couple of times. How is it fair that she has no words now?

My heart was crushed and I kept thinking about Solomon and his writings in Ecclesiastes. Everything indeed seems to be in vain and we all have the same end. Eventually, we all die. All of us. None is exempt. So this morning I read all 12 chapters. I was looking for something- I'm not sure what. Validation for my feelings? Hope for my heart?  I do not know. But I found this one verse.

The first few verses of chapter 3 is a familiar passage. It's been used as lyrics for secular and Christian music alike. It's poetic and powerful. A time for everything. Life and death, riches and poverty, health and sickness. But as I read on, verse 11 stopped me in my tracks. It says: everything is beautiful in its time. How is this beautiful? My mom (and son too for that matter) is gone while the body is still here. She's not the person she used to be. How is that beautiful?

Then I realized that we caregivers - family members - loved ones - and friends - are making it a beautiful story. One of grace. One of reliance upon God no matter what. One of undying love for a mom, wife, friend. That's beautiful. Mama is beautiful too - just singing those ole hymns. Because, as one friend put it "it's part of her spirit just like the sun is part of God's universe." Yeah, that's it - even in death our spirits are hidden in Him- our promise of life with Him is uninterrupted by death... or life.

Today, I'll focus on finding the beauty of each moment. My thoughts will be on how He still protects our hearts, how He keeps our souls. I'll be thankful that He keeps that part of us even if the rest of us is wasting away. I'll trust Him to bring beauty out of the ashes of this life. Will you join me?

365 Years a Day

The other day I heard someone slip up and say "365 years a day." Obviously, they meant to say "365 days a year" but the phrase caught my attention. I was like, sometimes it feels like 365 years in a day. Maybe it's just me but it feels like I'm behind all the time. With so many things to do it can seem like I'm trying to get 365 years of tasks done in a single day. As caregivers, we have so many things that need to get done it can feel like we have to run full throttle all the time to get everything done in a day.

After a while, it can start to wear away at your mind. Eventually, it goes deeper and wears away at your soul. That's when we become soul tired. When I reach that point it feels like my arms and legs are weights and it takes all my strength to hold my head up. I'm sure I'm about to go down for the proverbial third time and I don't know if I ever want to surface again or not. There are times I really like my cave. lol

Let me say honestly - today is one of those days. I'm emotionally spent. Worn out. If I wasn't wound so tight I might think about resting. But it's only a thought since I have so much that has to be done. To settle my thoughts and emotions, as my habit has been, I turn to the scriptures.

I think about Psalm 118:14 that says the Lord is my strength and my song. Psalm 18:1 says I love you O Lord, my strength.  My mind goes back to a familiar passage in Isaiah 40:29 that says He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might, He increases power. I'm not a fan of the Message but it says it this way: He energizes those who get tired and gives fresh strength to dropouts.  That's funny - and so good!

Today, I will rely on Him for strength to make it. Even if I feel like I am facing 365 years in a day - I'll lean a little more into Him and let Him increase power. Power to make it through a day with our faith intact. Even though I know I won't be able to get everything done - I'll trust Him with what is done and what is undone. I'll have to trust Him for strength, might, and power to face this day. And that I will do. Will you join me?

Am I a Juggler or What?

I could not fathom doing what I am doing - caregiving-wise - before I did it. Sometimes people tell caregivers you are so strong. But if you are like me you don't feel it at all. We tend to not see carrying the load we carry as a strength. I think of myself as more of a juggler trying to get each thing done letting it suspend in mid-air for just enough time to touch another project or chore before juggling another task around to be worked on. And it never seems to get done. I think juggling is more appropriate than strength. lol

If you are like me - there are good days and bad days. Some days I feel like I'm ready to take on the world. And some days it has to be done to get things accomplished. Other days I can feel so very weak. I'm not overcome - I am just tired through and through.

Paul stated in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that he would boast in his weaknesses since the real power - the real strength comes from God. He even goes on to say in the very next verse that he is content in weaknesses. I want to point out that is plural. For whatever reason, Paul felt he had numerous weaknesses. I know I do - but rarely am I content in them.

There is a power that comes when we realize how truly weak we are. The caregiving journey is a difficult one and I cannot imagine walking it without God. He is the sustainer of my soul - I'd be a mess if I try to do it on my own. Shoot, I'm a mess most times and I am trying to rely on God! lol
However, I know that I know that I know it is His sustaining power carrying me day to day, hour to hour, minute by minute. I'm no fool. It's His strength keeping me alive and on track.

Today, I will purposefully lean into Him just a bit more. My thoughts will be on His sustaining power and how He holds me up with His right hand. I'll meditate on His power working in me to bring glory to the kingdom. I'll thank Him for keeping me, watching over me, and sustaining me with His power in my weakness. Then like Paul, I'll say I can glory in that weakness if it means I rely on His strength even more as I lean into Him and trust Him more fully with one more day. Will you join me?