Showing posts with label poetry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poetry. Show all posts

One End to the Other


 I've been MIA for a few days. Just been too much on the plate. I won't go through my long list as I know you have one of your own. If we compared the two, it's likely to contain some very similar items, I'm sure. Our day-to-day tasks of caregiving are probably almost identical. Then we each have our mix of extras that each have the potential to be the proverbial straw breaking the camel's back. Can you relate? 

I only have one thing to say about all that - But God. Doesn't He always come through? I often find myself on the other side of one of life's confusing mazes, wondering just how He got me through it. Honestly, I'm on the going-in side of one in my life right now - but I know He's never failed, and I know He'll show me where to put my feet. If I put my feet where He just stepped - I know I'll be good! I was pouring it all out in my journal this morning, and this little poem popped out... So, I wanted to share it with my fellow caregivers. I know you "get it."

One End to the Other 

Overload & overwhelm

That's my life right now

I need to rest

I need to work

But I don't know how.

Anxiety & Calm

Two extremes I know

It's all messed up

And it's all okay

Both ways my emotions go.

Forgetfulness & Memories

Rolled up into one

I'm sad

I'm glad

Maybe I'm just done.

Faith & Tenacity

I know who I trust 

He's got me, I remind myself

From beginning to the end.

Immovable & Present

That's the God I love

Carrying me

Helping me

Adoring me from above.

Settled & Sure

Resting in Him

It's how each day gets done

One foot 

In front of the other

Until life's race is run.

(C) J. Olinger 8/31/2022


My Polite Journal

This morning I took some time to pour my heart out in my journal. My heart has been heavy for some time now. There are many things going on - but I'll spare you the details. (You're welcome!) If you haven't tried journaling, it can be a good strategy for stress relief. It's a safe place to let it all hang out! I had stopped for a while but this year I have picked it back up. Let me just say that I put more than my woes in my journal. I usually end with a prayer - or I write what God is showing me, what I am learning - and all those deep philosophical questions that rarely have answers. It's a polite catch-all for my sundry, sometimes crazy thoughts.

As I finished up the entry this morning, I ended with a couple of statements which became the first two lines of this poem:

Lord, hold me and hide me
Let me know You are beside me
As life's turbulent tides
Roll over and over me - 
Comfort me - pull me close
and help me see
There's more to life than the pain I feel
There's more to life than what
seems so real
Whisper to my soul that You won't abandon
But that You'll swoop me up
Out of the depths of this emotional canyon 
Remind me  can trust You even though
I am battle-worn
Let me know You've still got me
even though I'm bloody and torn
For in You I find my soul's true healing balm
Remind me I am not alone even though 
I look up and everyone's gone
You are there to speak and bring calm
Restore my joy, Restore my peace,
Restore my song
Help me remember You are with me and
You are for me all along

After I finished writing that I glanced at my open Bible and read from Psalm 119. Verse 132 says, Look upon me and be merciful to me, as Your custom is toward those who love Your name. He is always merciful, always faithful, always graceful toward us who continue to come back to Him because we love His name. 

Today, I will remember He alone has the healing balm for life. I'll meditate on His mercy that is new every morning and is rich toward us who love His name. I'll tie my heart to His - and listen to His beat over mine.. as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

My Grandmother's Poem

Yesterday was a rough day, rougher than usual. As caregivers, our emotions often stay on the edge and it doesn't take much to tip us off. Well, yesterday was my tipping off point. The everyday stuff for us is enough, isn't it? I mean, come on life - my mom has dementia, I am an LD caregiver for my aunt (I went to see yesterday), and I am a full-time caregiver for my adult son who is total care due to a brain injury. Too many things have happened in the last couple of days and my emotions, nerves, mind, etc. are all on edge. Why can't life just let up a little now and then?

I came home from seeing my aunt in the nursing home and was a bit frazzled. My heart and mind were racing. For me, one strategy for not getting taken down in life's swifter currents is to do something different. Not work. Not my norm. I spied a briefcase I'd brought in from the garage as I've been going through my aunt's things. As I unlatched it and opened up the top to see a poem in my grandmother's own handwriting was laying on top. The title is My God Can Handle This. 

I'd be lying if I told you my eyes didn't sweat a little bit. I turned the old papers over and found the date on the back. She had written it in 1959 one year before I was born.  Here I sat looking at her words 60 years later as they ministered to my heart in my present situation. There is no telling how long it's been tucked away in this briefcase, but it was right where I needed it yesterday. I'll take it as an indirect encouragement to continue to write an publish my own writings and poetry. (Check out my first digital poetry book!) Here is my grandmother's poem - still ringing true - I hope it ministers to your heart too - God really can handle this!

My God Can Handle This

Stuck with a problem you've not had before?
Feel that you're wounded, forsaken and sore?
Sorrow and trouble both beat on the door?
      My God can handle this!
Can't see a glimmer of light out ahead?
Darkness and terror and mountains of dread?
Stick out your chin, brother, God isn't dead!
     My God can handle this!

Feel all you've made of your life is a mess?
No one to help you, and no one to bless?
Say, listen. Brother, you don't have to guess!
     My God can handle this!
Down on your knees, with your bundle of woe!
He's there to give you a hearing, and so - 
Try it and see, brother, then you will know - 
     My God can handle this!

Looks like the world's in a terrible scape-
Nothing but suff'ring and warfare and rape-
Now, listen, brother don't hang out in the crepe - 
     My God can handle this!
Now is the time, brother, lift up your head,
Take down that Bible that you haven't read-
Dust off its cover and see what is said-
     My God can handle this!

Find there each promise to you certified -
Signed in the Life Blood of One crucified -
all hell defeated, the day Jesus died!
     My God could handle this!
Up from the grave! Brother listen to me!
Christ is the answer for you, can't you see?
all pow'r is His: you can have it for  free!
     My God will handle this!

(C) Maxine Emerson September 11, 1959

Someone I Do Not Know

I'm sitting here crying for someone I do not know...
Their story just came across my feed...
An accident, an injury, a brain bleed...
Terms I know too well on a path I've traveled too long..

My heart hurts and I don't even know their name...
I'm crying with parents, loved ones and friends...
Knowing that the pain and grief never ends...
Now I'm praying for someone I don't even know... never knew before...

My eyes turn loose of tears I'd held in from my own pain...
As I remember the early parts of my own journey...
I know what they can endure - what they may face...

Those long days of hoping, praying, believing...
Long nights just watching them keep breathing...
Don't stop.... please don't stop...

Then there's the waiting...
Dark nights, warm tears, terrible coffee...
Uncertainty abounds - so many ifs...

If there's a future what does it look like now?
If dreams are still valid...
If there's life after this...
If there's anything outside a waiting room... a hospital room...
If home exists... where do I fit...
If my loved one will ever speak, walk, wake, or move again...

What does life look like from the waiting room?
How can I find certainty for tomorrow when today's breath is already gone?
No thinking about tomorrow, this afternoon, or one minute away - only waiting...
Surviving one second at a time looking for one more breath to arise... hopefully
In me - in them - what is life anyway?

I'm hurting all over again for someone I do not know...
Someone like me...
So I pray - they find peace...
They find hope...
They get the answers they want but have grace to trust and deal with the ones they didn't want...

This someone I don't know - gets lots of prayers - but they will never know...

Grace Reigns

While it is a joy and an honor to take care of our loved ones, there is a very painful side to caregiving. Our hearts hurt on many levels. Personally, I grieve the loss of my son and all he could have become. I also grieve the loss of my mom - who she was before dementia. And now, as life has brought more change, I grieve for my daddy who is struggling with this part of life too. He has spent over 50 years with mama - she has been his life. Much like my son, she is still here but gone.

Last night I called my mom's sister to explain the new arrangements with mom. She didn't take it too well. She is grieving her loss of mobility as she is barely getting around with a walker at 87 and is needing more constant care. Can I say, my heart hurts?

People are mostly gracious and compassionate to caregivers. But there are times when you are looked down on as if you don't have faith - or you wouldn't be in this situation. I have felt this from church-like folks many times. They want to condemn your choices and can send some pretty negative signals. Social isolation hurts too.

A few weeks ago, I was in a down, painful spot. I felt the condemnation of those who wanted to look down on me. What I found was His grace. I sat and penned these words - hoping to put some music to it possibly later. His grace is so amazing - gently carrying me through the storm.


His Grace Reigns

Fighting the same thing over and over
I never seem to win
Like a horrid monster returning
Again, and again
When will the nightmare end?

The more the pain
The more grace reigns
Down on me
Time and again
In the midst of my sorrow
And in the deepest pain
His grace reigns

My heart is so broken
Don’t know what to say or do
The “proud and the mighty” say
“just look at you”
A sight to behold
I ask – does my walk offend you?

The more the pain
The more grace reigns
Down on me
Time and again
In the midst of my sorrow
And in the deepest pain
His grace reigns

Throw my pain back in my face
Tell me to look the other way
Because I have “no faith”?
Shame on you don’t you recall
Job prayed for his friends
Then they were healed one and all

The more the pain
The more grace reigns
Down on me
Time and again
In the midst of my sorrow
And in the deepest pain
His grace reigns

Today, I will just think about the grace He has extended to those of us hurting inside. My meditations will be on His great grace - his work of heart. As I sort through my various emotions - I'll keep turning my heart to the peace He pours out, the strength He gives when I rest in Him and the hope of His eternal love and grace. I'll crawl up in His heart today and let His grace reign. Will you join me?

The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...