Personal Journal Pages

There is so much on my heart this morning, I thought I'd just share my personal journal with you today.

March 28, 2019
So many stories I've heard of late of lives changes by tragedy. A girl injured in a wreck another child died in as they were T-boned by a truck. Her injuries are similar to Chris'. Last night a local boy with a broken back while on a dirt bike ride. I relive my days in the ICU waiting room. All those emotions of fearing the unknown rehearse themselves once again... the scenes running through my mind... 

I pray for the families with an understanding of their life-altering situation. Life will never be the same even if their child gets "better." I think now of hope - & true faith - trusting Him in the midst - not just as a way out or a way to avoid bad things. 

I pray His grace sustains their souls and that they run to Him in the storm instead of away from Him. I pray they learn more about Him in a more intimate way. It's almost like I experience the trauma all over again for them...with them. I know their situations are different but no more, no less challenging than my own. We all must take what we've been handed and learn one thing...to trust Him more through it all.

May we trust more deeply...

May we rely on Him more fully...

May we LET His peace guard our hearts...

May we trust Him as the keeper of our souls...

In good times and in bad

In lean times and in full

May He truly be my all in all...

For God is good even when life is not.

Search Again

I love the Psalms. Maybe it's the way David and the other psalmists are so open and honest with their feelings. They say things we are taught not to say. Their openness and vulnerability help remind me that God doesn't get mad at us when we speak our mind. He may shake His head a bit or roll His eyes, lol. But He gets us. It's Psalm 103:14 that tells us, He remembers we are but dust (or flesh).  He knows us - He knows our frailty. He understands our humanness, even in the midst of caregiving. I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing our weaknesses to Him - telling Him how we feel. It's not like He doesn't know if we don't tell Him.

Sometimes, though, I wonder how my babbling could make sense to Him. But then I remind myself that He understood it before I said it. That's right. Psalm 139:4 says You know what I am going to say even before I say it.  That lets me know he knows my heart's intent and the words are not as important. There have been those times I've broken down under the load of caregiving - worn out, exhausted, weary, grieved, and any other term that might fit - and I've had no words only silent cries. It's during those times I often feel Him the closest.

I think that's why I like psalm 139 so much and why I return to it so often. David talks about an up-close-and-personal God - one who is not afraid to be intimate with His people. A God who knows all the ins and outs and loves anyway. He never tosses me aside because I get frustrated with the situation (and I do that often!). He doesn't distance Himself from me (couldn't if He wanted to) when I go off into crazy mode. Those times I am off the chain and not sure what to do next - He whispers I am Here.  And then He offers direction and peace.

In this psalm, David talks about the omnipresence of God and that there is nowhere we can go to "get away" from Him. The deepest, darkest days of caregiving cannot separate us from Him. The highest, most pleasant days can't either.

What I found interesting as I read it this morning was this, though. In the first verse, David says O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me. He goes through the whole discourse about how God is with us and He cannot possibly leave us - nor can we actually leave Him. Then he says in verse 23 Search me O God, and know my heart, test me and know my thoughts. It just hit me a bit funny that he expressed in the final verses what he said had already happened. Maybe David and I are related. lol

Sometimes we can feel like God is so close. Honestly, there are times it feels He is far away. We can go from you have searched me to search me again in a matter of seconds. And that's okay with God. He has searched before time began, He remembers our hearts, and He will search us again just to let us know He understands us. He gets us. And He still chooses to be with us. I like that.

Today once again, I will remind myself of His ever-abiding presence, of His faithfulness, and of His closeness. I'll meditate on the truth that He wants to be close to me even in the chaos. And I'll embrace His peace as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Can I Call You?

Today is a whirlwind. I have things that must get done. It's late. I haven't even gotten Chris up. He's sleeping and that's okay since he's been improving his brain requires more sleep. But it throws my groove off. On top of the caregiving tasks the day-to-day stuff, I have totally taken on too much work. Maybe I should hire someone to help! lol

It feels like everything is spiraling out of control including my head and my emotions. My thoughts are going 90 to nothing and my to-do list is growing longer with no break in sight. What are we to do when life takes these rapid turns?

I was reading in Psalm and found this nugget for today. The Lord is close to all who call on Him, yes to all who call on Him sincerely. He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cries for help and He rescues them.  (Psalm 145:18, 19 NLT) I may not need a physical rescue today - but my soul certainly could use a rescue from this whirlwind. I kind of hope no one identifies. But I'm sure many get caught up in emotions and thoughts too.

This verse reminds me that He is close to me. I just have to remember to call on Him and not try to navigate the craziness myself. I guess once again it's about leaning into Him a little more closely and trusting Him a little more fully. I must remind myself that He's got this. He's got me.

I love it that I don't have to schedule a call with God. There's no online calendar for making appointments in heaven. And I don't even have to wait for Him to get off the other line. As soon as my heart hits that panic button and my begins to cry out to Him in desperation and sincerity - He answers. I wonder if He hears those silent cries for help even louder than the audible ones.

Today, I will turn my thoughts into prayers for direction, strength, and wisdom. I'll lean in a bit closer and remind myself that He is close when I call. I'll open up my heart and let it share all the things I'm afraid to say, scared to think. And I will trust Him to hear me, to carry me, to get me through just today. Will you join me?

Far From Home

Isn't it funny how you can read the Bible through and still find hidden nuggets? Maybe that's because YOU are in a different spot in life each time you read. I don't know. But I found this verse this morning, even though I'm sure I've read it before.

It's in Micah 4:6-7. God is speaking through the prophet to encourage His people. They were in a bind and He is assuring and comforting them. The NLT reads, I will gather my people who are lame, who have been exiles, filled with grief. They are weak and far from home, but I will make them strong again, a mighty nation. Then I, the Lord, will rule from Jerusalem as their king forever.

As caregivers, we may not be in the exact situation Micah's audience was in, but I think we can relate. Maybe it's just me - I can relate. lol.

One thing that stands out is that God is speaking directly to three types (not sure what other word to use here) of people. The hyper faithers try to make it sound like the world is perfect, all is as it should be, etc. But God is addressing the lame, the exiled, and the grieving. I think parallels can be drawn to caregiving.

The lame. Sometimes we can feel lame or at least out of step with the rest of the world. We may walk with a limp due to our circumstances, or at least feel like we do. Somedays caregiving is overwhelming and we can feel like we have no (spiritual) walk at all.

The exile. Social isolation is a real concern for caregivers. Many do not have a "social" life at all and for others, it can be limited. It's difficult to maintain relationships when they don't understand why you can't be consistent. They don't comprehend why you have to cancel so often. Eventually, I just stopped trying. It's easy to feel cut off from society, cut off from the rest of the world.

Those filled with grief. Each caregiving situation is different, but there can be many arenas of grief. Some grieve as they shift roles to take care of parents. We grieve as an elderly loved one begins to forget us when suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's.In my situation, I grieve over the son I lost - while I am still taking care of him. Living grief is overwhelming.

The good news is that God doesn't ignore us like so much of the world does. He says - they are weak and far from home - but I'm going to make them strong again. He doesn't give up on us when we feel lame, exiled, or grieve-stricken. Instead, He reaches out His hand to us and gives us strength. he doesn't condemn us - he strengthens us.

Today, I'm going to meditate on how He comes to us when we are weak. I like that, don't you? He doesn't run away because He doesn't know what to do with us. He says - you're weak- I'm strong. I'll be thankful that He doesn't discard us, doesn't look at us with disdain, but simply stretches out His hand to us. I'll take His hand today. Will you join me?

Surrounded Inside and Out

I started out my reading this morning in Hebrews 12. Verse 28 caught my attention. It says, since we are receiving a Kingdom that cannot be destroyed, let us be thankful and please God by worshipping Him with holy fear and awe. (NLT) I just rolled that around a bit in my head - two things actually. The first being that we have "a kingdom that can't be destroyed" and secondly we should be thankful.

Maintaining an attitude of thankfulness can go a long way to help keep our emotions above water. Some days are more difficult than others, but there's always something we can find to be thankful for. Today, I'll be thankful that the Kingdom of God cannot be destroyed. God did not get up off His throne and throw in the proverbial towel when my life fell apart. He didn't quit. He didn't say it's not worth it, I can't do this anymore. He never gives up - never gives in - never quits. What happens in our lives good or bad cannot destroy the Kingdom of God. It will stand.

Let's take it a bit further. In Luke 17:21, Jesus said that the Kingdom of God is within you. Paul also reminds the believers in Philippians 3:20 that our citizenship is in heaven. No matter what we face, God won't kick us out. He never says our circumstances are too dirty, too complicated, too involved for Him. His kingdom - the one that is in us - the one we are a part of - stands forever. It's sort of like being surrounded, isn't it? The Kingdom is in us - we are in the Kingdom.

Once again, there are no exclusionary statements here. Note Jesus didn't say the Kingdom of God is within you - unless you are a caregiver... unless you are sick... unless you are discouraged.. unless you are.... fill in the blank. If we are a part of Him the Kingdom is in us and we are in the Kingdom.

Today, I will be thankful that the foundation of God's throne and His Kingdom are not shaken by my circumstances. I'll meditate on that and turn my thoughts to His faithfulness and I'll thank Him that He doesn't give up on me, He can't He is part of me and I am part of Him. I can trust Him with today. I'll trust Him with my heart today - will you join me?

A Barren Life

This morning during my devotions, my readings and thoughts were all over the place as usual. I read for a while in Isaiah and meditated on some of the verses in chapter 54. I may not be barren in the natural sense, but sometimes it feels like I live a fruitless and barren life. My heart argues with that and says I bear fruit - but my eyes just don't see it most of the time.

The prophet Isaiah is encouraging the barren to sing and shout for joy. I'm like, why?  The Lord promised enlargement and spreading out to resettle desolate lands. Verse 4 says fear not for you will not be put to shame, and do not feel humiliated for you will not be disgraced, but you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.

Sometimes it feels like life has disgraced us - stripped us of walking gracefully through. Life can be humiliating. Caregiving can be daunting and downright ugly at times. But it always yields fruit. We are not barren - we just don't look like everyone else.

Isaiah goes on to talk about how God expressed His concern and compassion to His children. In verse 8 he quotes the Lord, with everlasting lovingkindness I will have compassion on you. May this be true for each of us who are pursuing Him today. May He gather us up in His love as He encompasses us with everlasting lovingkindness and compassion.

Today, I'll meditate on how He looks at us with compassion, not disdain like many do. My thoughts will be on His everlasting lovingkindness - that doesn't change or stop due to life's most barren circumstances. He is our water in the desert and I'll trust Him for a drink of mercy to help in my time of need today. I will trust that He is bringing forth fruit in this barren life - will you join me?

Forgotten

Have you ever felt forgotten? I have. We can easily get sucked into the caregiver's fog and the rest of the world goes on without us. Today is my son's 35th birthday. These days are difficult. I opened up his facebook to read him his greetings only to be flooded with his friend's who have "gone on" with their lives, and they should.

They stopped visiting and calling long ago when he couldn't answer them. I don't blame them, they were all so young when he was injured. But it still hurts my heart that he is forgotten and left to just deal.

Then some caregivers have to deal with another side of being forgotten. It can yield a host of emotions from a totally different angle. That is when we care for loved ones with dementia or Alzheimer's. They forget us. My mom hasn't quite forgotten me yet, but most of the time it takes her a few minutes to figure out I'm not just someone who works there. Mid-conversation she'll look up and go, "OH! You're my daughter!" It's funny -but it's not.

It is emotional to be forgotten, no matter what the circumstances. We want to be remembered. It's not anyone's fault but it can still wear away at our emotions. I have to remind myself that there is One who has not forgotten. God never forgets. He knows what we walk through each day as caregivers. He understands all those seemingly little things that wear away at our minds and emotions.

Isaiah 49:15 asks, Can a woman forget her nursing child and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget - but I will not forget you.

In Psalm 27:10, the psalmist says for my father and mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me up.

Caregiving can be a lonely walk. We can feel forgotten by men and God. We can't fix the human part -  but we can rejoice in God's part. He will not forget us - He will not forget our afflictions. Instead, He comes running to us to help us - and carry us when needed. Let's just acknowledge that He is here and encourage ourselves in the truth that He has not forgotten us.

Today, I will remind myself that He hasn't forgotten the hand life dealt me. I will meditate on His care of my heart and mind. I'll be thankful that He is the keeper of my soul. This will be my meditation today as I lean a little more into Him on this emotional day. Will you join me?