Sometimes, though, I wonder how my babbling could make sense to Him. But then I remind myself that He understood it before I said it. That's right. Psalm 139:4 says You know what I am going to say even before I say it. That lets me know he knows my heart's intent and the words are not as important. There have been those times I've broken down under the load of caregiving - worn out, exhausted, weary, grieved, and any other term that might fit - and I've had no words only silent cries. It's during those times I often feel Him the closest.
I think that's why I like psalm 139 so much and why I return to it so often. David talks about an up-close-and-personal God - one who is not afraid to be intimate with His people. A God who knows all the ins and outs and loves anyway. He never tosses me aside because I get frustrated with the situation (and I do that often!). He doesn't distance Himself from me (couldn't if He wanted to) when I go off into crazy mode. Those times I am off the chain and not sure what to do next - He whispers I am Here. And then He offers direction and peace.
In this psalm, David talks about the omnipresence of God and that there is nowhere we can go to "get away" from Him. The deepest, darkest days of caregiving cannot separate us from Him. The highest, most pleasant days can't either.
What I found interesting as I read it this morning was this, though. In the first verse, David says O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me. He goes through the whole discourse about how God is with us and He cannot possibly leave us - nor can we actually leave Him. Then he says in verse 23 Search me O God, and know my heart, test me and know my thoughts. It just hit me a bit funny that he expressed in the final verses what he said had already happened. Maybe David and I are related. lol
Sometimes we can feel like God is so close. Honestly, there are times it feels He is far away. We can go from you have searched me to search me again in a matter of seconds. And that's okay with God. He has searched before time began, He remembers our hearts, and He will search us again just to let us know He understands us. He gets us. And He still chooses to be with us. I like that.
Today once again, I will remind myself of His ever-abiding presence, of His faithfulness, and of His closeness. I'll meditate on the truth that He wants to be close to me even in the chaos. And I'll embrace His peace as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?