In His Hands

This morning, I was working on my latest devotional 31 Days in Psalm 31 which I hope to complete and have in my bookstore by the end of the month. There are so many things in this one psalm and I've read it so much my Bible falls open to it automatically now. lol. I was thinking about fear, grief, hurt, and the dark night of the soul. Caregiving can be an emotional roller coaster. Sure, there are those caregiver moments like when my son actually hugged me the other evening. Those moments erase a ton of pain. They make it all worth it. But they are not lasting and it's back to the day-to-day grind.

As I was working on the devotional, I took a look at Job again. His story intrigues me. He took all the overwhelming pain and turned it into worship. It wasn't about a congregational song on Sunday morning, he wasn't sitting out back playing his guitar, and no Kumbaya around the campfire either. He took his deepest grief and pain and he worshipped.  Like David in Psalm 31 said, my life is in Your hands - Job took the tragic moment and spent it on his knees acknowledging that God was still his God - and he gently, with tears, placed his life in God's hands and gave Him back total control. Such a precious worshipful moment.

I can't say I have reacted that way. Oh, I eventually get back to that position of worship. I always return. But usually, I throw a fit, cuss and scream a little and pout for a while first. I do always return to that position though. Worship is just that - we become the sacrifice. Our lives are like an Isaac placed on Abraham's altar. All of our promises, hopes, and dreams are there on life's altar. Even the broken promises, shattered dreams and lost hopes - they are all there. All being poured out before Him as a sacrifice. And you know what? He gets it. He understands. He accepts it. Even in our most broken state - He scoops us up and carries us through. But we must remain in His hands.

When we were kids we used to sing a song He's Got the Whole World in His Hands. All us church babies remember that one! Well, you know what - He still has the whole world in His hands. It's the ultimate act of worship to say with David - my life (all that I am, all that I've lost, all that I've gained, all my pains, hurts, griefs, caregiving struggles) are in Your hands. Then, we must leave it there - and trust Him with it - trust Him with our souls. Like Job, we lift up our hearts to Him and say, Blessed is Your name O Lord no matter what life brings today. It's all in His hands.

Today, I will meditate on letting every ounce of my being stay in His hands. I'll turn my thoughts to how I can trust Him enough to realize my life is in His hands, and it's alright. He can handle it. I'll let Him handle it today as I trust Him for just one more day. Will you join me?

Into the Wlderness

This morning during my private reading and journaling time, I was reading along and just minding my own business. Little things were standing out to me like the fact God had to tell Moses that all the curtains were to use the same measurement. I just found it funny and understood why God didn't have me build it. I'd have one short panel, and none of them would be exactly the same length. lol. It was sort of fun reading all those little particulars as some of it should have been common sense. But God was specific, for sure.

But when I got down to chapter 29, verse 46, I stopped. This verse tells us the why behind God bringing them out of Egypt. It says He brought them out - so He could dwell among them. The whole thing was so He could walk with them. I was humbled that He sent Moses after His people just so He could be with them. His heart is always about pursuing intimacy with His people, isn't it?

My "wow" didn't last long, though. I thought the fact that He brought them out of Egypt so He could be with them, live with them, and walk among them was cool. But then I remembered that at the writing of this verse by Moses - they were sitting in the middle of the wilderness. The dessert for crying out loud. I'm not sure it looked like they thought it should. They celebrated that they were going to go out of Egypt and meet with God. But the reality was setting in by now, I'm sure.

Why would God want to meet us in the middle of the wilderness? Maybe it's an area free from distraction. Or perhaps it was to keep them from being bogged down in the idolatry of Egypt. I had to think about that for a minute or two because oftentimes intimacy with him doesn't come by the route we thought it would. Caregiving, difficulties, struggles, illness, deaths of loved ones, and any other obstacles life throws at us doesn't detour Him from seeking us.

As bad as it was in Egypt, the Children of Israel were comfortable. They didn't realize how bound they had become. They didn't realize what they were missing because they were blind to anything outside the norms of Egyptian bondage. And yet, intimacy with God awaited them - in the wilderness. 

God meets us in those dry times. He meets us in life's wilderness. Sometimes we can see Him more clearly and hear Him more readily when the shackles are gone and so is the world. Sometimes, I've seen caregiving as bondage. But maybe it's just my wilderness - where God wants to dwell among me. Maybe if I could see the spiritual freedom that I've found in the caregiving wilderness, I'll appreciate being free from the bondages of today's religious system. The wilderness has a way of helping us (okay, forcing us) to look at Him.

God said He had brought them out of Egypt so he could dwell among them and be their God. The wilderness has a unique way of shucking us down, doesn't it? But today, I won't shun it, I won't hate it, I won't despise it. Instead, I'll be thankful to be out of Egypt and in a place where God desires to meet me. How about you?

Small Reminders

Today has not gotten off to a great start, and it’s not even caregiving that’s the problem. Sometimes I have wished that when we became caregivers all the rest of life’s “stuff” would just take a break. But, of course, that’s not the case. We must juggle caregiving responsibilities will all the norms of life too.

This morning I was trying to sort out my insurance stuff. I tried two or three things on the site, and then it came up and said I was denied, even though I supposedly had two more days to send in the next 900 forms they were requesting. Evidently, my tax forms are not enough. I’m not even sure at this point what it is they are wanting. So I called the helpline (twice) only to be sent off into some three ring circus of press this for that – chasing answers that never came. Finally, I got to push the button for a person. Expecting to be put on hold, I was instead told, “We are sorry you are having difficulty. Please call back later.” And it disconnected.

Not to be outdone, I went fishing for an email from years ago. The lady was a legal advocate and helped me sort through similar issues half a decade ago. I send her a quick note only to receive an “I’m out of the office” email. I was so excited when I saw another number I could call for assistance. (*sarcasm at its finest) I hurriedly called it and got a recording. Again. “The voice mailbox is full for the number you called, please call back later.” I had to laugh.

If you know me at all, you know patience is not one of my stronger suits. By now, I’m living. My blood pressure is shooting up and my heart has begun to jump around in my chest again (the reason I’m trying to make sure I have insurance so I can see a cardiologist!)

But in that moment, something odd happened. I realized way down inside I could hear a song rising. It was one I’d written right after my son’s wreck. Part of it goes Come to Me and rest, find shelter in my love, let Me sing over you My child…. I acknowledged the coolness of that moment and went about my pursuit of insurance coverage. But in a few minutes, I realized my heart was singing another song I’ve heard many times. You probably know it. It goes like this My fear doesn’t stand a chance when I stand in Your love.  But still, I acknowledged it and went on moving my son to his room transferring him from chair to bed to be changed and back to his chair again. Then another song was in my heart. Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness – that is who You are.

Well, by now it had my attention and I realized it was just a small reminder that I trust in Him. Psalm 121:2 says: My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! (NLT) I think He wants me, us, to know He’s got us. No matter how rough the spot we are in right now – He is still our help. He signed up for it and He’s no quitter. He doesn’t walk out on us when the going gets tough like so many people may have done.

Today, I will remind myself that He is my help; I cannot do it on my own. I’ll be thankful for all the little reminders that He really is still in control. He did not get up off His throne or throw in the towel when life got complicated. I’ll turn my thoughts to His reminders – that I am His child. He is carrying me – He does that a lot. And I’ll be thankful that He is my waymaker, my shelter, my friend, and my light in the darkness. I’ll choose to be grateful today in the midst of the mess and I’ll trust Him – just for today. Will you join me?

Juggling Acts

The last weekend in February has been a fun one for the last seven years. It’s usually the weekend of my daughter’s birthday but sometimes falls the weekend after her actual birthday. We have ridden the train to Fort Worth and participated in some way in the Cowtown races. This year, we did the 10K together on Saturday. The rest of the weekend is ours to enjoy. This year, we just relaxed other than the expo for the event and the 10K we finished early on Saturday.

Giving her this one weekend a month where it’s just mother-daughter, is not really enough to make up for giving all my time to her brother, Chris, whom I care for 24/7. It doesn’t really give her back the time she’s lost these last 11 years. But it’s a special time for her and for me – we spend it together just being us. It’s always loads of fun and she calls all the shots as to where we eat and what we do. This year, planning did not go off without a hitch.

We get some respite through the Advantage program (if you are a caregiver check it out in your state it helps with a lot of things). It wasn’t approved two days before we were to board the train, so I was jumping through mental hoops looking for alternative care for him on Friday. Of course, at the last minute, the approval came through. I don’t understand why something requested weeks ago take to the last minute. It’s like they really don’t care about our feelings – we are just a number on a piece of paper.

Then, my friend who was going to pick Chris up on Friday night fell very ill. Before we board the train I’m trying to jump through hoops to get someone else to take him home and stay with him the first night. It’s all quite funny now – but it wasn’t then.

As caregivers, if we even get a break, it can feel like we are being punished for wanting one. It takes more work to organize all the particulars than it does to just stay home and take care of him. Or at least it feels like it. Overall, it all went well, and he was definitely well cared for and he did very well this time with eating and things like that. Plus, my daughter and I had our special time together and we both got some much-needed downtime. Overall, I’d have to say it was a juggling success. Lol.

Sometimes I wonder if God is looking down on my juggling act and shaking His head. Maybe He is burying His face in His hands. But juggling isn’t a one time a year thing for us caregivers. Many don’t even get that opportunity. Day after day we juggle caregiving tasks, cooking, work, other children’s needs, and our own needs are the pin that gets dropped while we try to keep everything else in the juggle. I know He sees each of us and He understands, even when He seems silent.

I’ve said many times, that God doesn’t make a convenient exit just because life gets ugly. He never stops painting because the picture isn’t pretty. He doesn’t stop listening when life’s song sounds out of key. 1 Timothy 2: 19 reminds us that the foundation of God stands firm and He knows those who are His and we are still His when we become a caregiver. Our standing with Him is not altered because life throws us a curve. He is with us in the juggle, strengthening us and calling us His own.

Today, in the hustle, I will remind myself I am His. He has not abandoned. He is near. My thoughts will be on His ever-abiding presence and I will lean in to Him to hear His heart still beating for me. I’ll trust Him with today’s juggle as I try to get back into the day-to-day of caregiving. I’ll be grateful and purposefully thank Him for not leaving alone to walk this journey. Will you join me?

Still in the Boat

Sometimes we don’t realize how heavy the load of caregiving becomes. And other times, we just don’t want to admit it. We love our caregivee – that’s why we do what we do. There are those days we shake off a poor night’s sleep, go into survival mode, roll up our sleeves, and get things done. We can’t not do them, right?

Yesterday, I was feeding my son lunch when a notification popped up on my phone. A group was sharing live worship on Facebook Live. I don’t usually pay too much attention to those things as there isn’t time, but since I was just feeding Chris, I clicked on it. I am so glad I did. The worship was wonderful. Based on the chat there were people from Korea, Uganda, Brazil, and I don’t recall how many other places from around the world. We were joining together to worship the King.

As I began to sing along, the burden I didn’t even know I was carrying was lifted. I didn’t realize I’d been carrying it until the pressure began to lift.

The group began to lead in a song I hadn’t heard before and the words began to wash over me as I heard them singing about how He didn’t forsake me in the storm. The storm came, but He was right there. It was a powerful time of worship and it had touched me so deeply it was still on my mind this morning. Don’t you love it when He meets you where you are? Only He can touch so deeply, so thoroughly, so peacefully.

There are two passages that come to mind. One is in John 6. Jesus’ disciples were in a boat trying to get across the sea when the winds picked up. Jesus came to them – walking on the water. He got in the boat and they were immediately on the other side. Now, when they saw Jesus, it says they were afraid. He met them right there in that fear and said, “It's just Me; don’t be afraid.”

The second passage is in Mark 4. This time, Jesus told His disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side.” Then he laid down in the boat and went to sleep. A storm arose and started tossing them everywhere – and again, they were afraid even though Jesus was right there in the boat with them. They woke Him up and He rebuked the storm with one phrase, “Peace be still.” Then He asked them how it was they were afraid.

Either way, Jesus did not abandon them in the storm. He walked out to them – and they didn’t even request it as far as we know. The storm and wind were raging, it’s doubtful that they called out to Him. He couldn’t hear them in the natural anyway. But He could hear their heart’s cry. Sometimes it’s the silent cry of our heart that rises to reach His heart and He comes to us. He brings us peace. He helps us get through another moment, another day, another situation.

And sometimes, we need to be reminded that even when a storm arises, He is still with us in the boat. He didn’t say it was too rough for Him. He didn’t abandon the disciples; He stayed in the boat and spoke peace. How many times as caregivers have we experienced His voice calming the storm in our hearts or minds? For me, He’s done it time and time again – but He never gets out of the boat.

Today, I will remind myself that He is still in the boat. I’ll turn my thoughts to His ever-abiding presence with me in the midst of the storm. Whether today is smooth sailing or rough going, I’ll trust He is still with me in life’s boat. The storm doesn’t scare Him – and He doesn’t want me to be scared either. My heart will rest today in His peace, I’ll trust Him for it. Will you join me?

Behind and Before

One of my friends just had a brand new beautiful baby girl. Celebrating new births always makes me think of Psalm 139. It’s definitely one of my most marked-up psalms! I also had Jeremiah 1:5 running through my head. Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. I read back through Psalm 139 again, it’s got so many encouraging spots in it if you haven’t read it in a while, it’s a great read for today!

This whole psalm is great, but a couple of things stuck out to me this morning in particular. In the first verse, David says O Lord, You have searched me and known me  - and I added a note in my margin – “And it’s okay!” It’s okay that He knows our thoughts, our words before we speak them, when we get up and when we get down. I’m quite alright with Him seeing and knowing every part about me and my days.

You see, He sees those parts no one else sees. As a personal example, I maintain a FB page for my son’s progress. I post to it every day or so as he does something notable like standing alone, moving something new, or making new sounds. What I don’t post are the in-betweens. You know, those days he doesn’t do something remarkable and I am sitting around wondering what I’m doing wrong, if I’m doing enough – totally second-guessing myself. I leave those days out – so no one sees the struggle side. All I share and all they see are those great moments.

But God sees past all that. I’m sure He monitors social media lol – so He is aware of the progress notes I keep updated on Chris. But He sees far past my posts – and sees when my heart is discouraged when I’m feeling defeated. That’s a place no person is allowed to go. I keep it hidden in general. But God sees it – He knows.

Maybe that’s why on down in verse five David says this: You have hedged me behind and before, and laid Your hand on me. He knows my thoughts – the good, the bad, and the ugly! He sees when I start spiraling down in my emotions and despair tries to set in like rigor mortis to the soul. It’s easy most of the time to keep those emotional parts of the caregiving journey to ourselves. But He knows. And He has already prepared to walk through it with us.

Early on I told my son I was committed to the journey. I whispered in his ear, Chris, I can’t walk this for you, but I will walk it with you. God cannot walk this journey of life for us – but He is certainly committed to walking it with us. Behind and before – He’s got us covered. Actually, He’s already walked it before us – and He just comes in behind us to undergird us and provide strength and encouragement to our souls.

Today, I will meditate on how God is behind and before – how He is committed to this journey I am on – this journey you are on. He willingly walks it with us. He’s already been through today – and made a way for us to continue trusting Him in spite of the storm. I’ll turn my thoughts to how He truly understands what makes me – me. He knows my thoughts when they only leak out as tears, and He doesn’t run away. He continues to walk with me and wait for me to come to Him. I’ll be thankful for His patience with me as I trust Him for one more day – will you join me?

Heart and Soul

Well, I started my to-do list for today and it’s official, I have a lot on my plate. I’m pretty sure most caregivers have a similar list. It can be a lot as it’s not easy taking care of more than one person. There’s so much to do and consider when you are caring for another and making decisions for them. It is often overwhelming. While our bodies can get tired from the daily caregiving tasks, our souls get weary too.

Our soul gets tired from the constant pressure. Emotions run high when caring for another person. We can get tired inside and out. Sometimes, we don’t even realize it because we can slip into autopilot so easily. That dulling is a preservation strategy for many caregivers. But we are still on overload, even if we have numbed out. (Maybe it’s just me!)

I started thinking about all of this during my private devotions this morning. I came across these verses in Psalm 62 and they stirred up my heart and mind.

My soul, wait silently for God alone,

For my expectation is from Him.

He only is my rock and my salvation;

I shall not be moved.

In God is my salvation and my glory;

The rock of my strength and my refuge is in God.

Trust in Him at all times, you people;

Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.

And in Psalm 42:4, David said he pours out his soul before the Lord. When we are in overload mode or feeling overwhelmed with the emotional side of caregiving, we have a place to empty our souls. I learned a long time ago that God can handle my mess. My crazy emotional swings don’t even scare Him away. I can pour out my heart and soul before Him and He is big enough to carry it. He shields me when I trust in Him. It’s when I decide to go it alone that I get myself in a mess.

Today, I will remind my soul that God is my refuge, my rock, my salvation. I will wait silently (that’s the hard part, right?) for Him today as I turn my thoughts to how He cares for all parts of me from whether encouraged or discouraged, weary or energized, happy or saddened, He is big enough to carry all of me. I’m going to empty my heart and soul before Him today and then – I will trust Him with my soul. Will you join me?