He is Faithful

I can't believe I did it, but I managed a short get-away. That's one reason I've been MIA for a few days, but I'm back. At one point I was thinking it was going to be easier to stay home than coordinate my son's care for while I was gone. I have some respite that I can use through the Advantage program which helped a lot. Then I have some really great friends and family to help at home. I really don't have to worry about him as he's well cared for on all counts. But getting it all together is something else! But I have to say it was worth it. I needed the break and I hope to take more later.

I went to a lady's retreat at the beach. Just a few weeks ago I had put the beach on my List of Places I'll Never See Again. But somehow, it all worked out and I spent four days there with a group of amazing women. I felt almost normal again. Ha! In the future, I'm going to try to plan more getaways. I came home rejuvenated, but tired, rolled up my sleeves and got right back to work.

While I was at the beach, I had some time to myself. I walked along the beach a few times, and got a few runs in. These times allowed me to do some deep thinking and soul searching. I have come to the conclusion that I'll never be able to figure out all the whys...but I can conclude that He is faithful.

Several people asked me about working online and I began unfolding the story of how I started to where I am now. All I can say - is He is faithful. He has provided all along the way, and I have no doubt that He will continue to provide for us. That doesn't mean it has always been easy, or that I haven't had to work at it, but He's led me through and kept me in the process.

As I recounted parts of my "story" and talked about my son, the realization of how He has cared and provided for us over the years grew. At this point, I can look back and just shake my head as I think about how He has kept my heart in His on this rocky journey. I believe it pleases Him when He sees us continue to pursue Him even in the midst of the storm of caregiving.

We can throw up our hands and give in - or we can throw up our hands in surrender to Him. When we honor Him with praise through the pain or as we continue to look to Him through the tears He is pleased. . When we lift it all up to Him - He reaches down and meets us right there in our pain. It doesn't frighten Him. It doesn't scare Him. He doesn't get tired of us.

God doesn't sigh when we turn to Him again and again. I believe He smiles. Because we keep running back to Him over and over. It doesn't make Him tired - it makes Him glad. He faithfully beckons us to bring our burdens to Him. He is faithful. We can come every single day with the joys and trials of caregiving and it won't make Him tired of us. He'll reach down in our hearts and touch us, strengthen us and give us what we need to make another day. Every.Single.Time.

Today I am going to rejoice that He is not tired of me yet. My meditations will be on His faithfulness and His strength in me to keep taking steps one at a time. I'll turn my thoughts to how He continues to care for me and mine. I'll be thankful for all He has done over these years and I'll continue to trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Double Trouble!

Sunday, when the family was gathered, my daughter sneaked over and got a "siblings" pic. I really think Chris is smirking at her. And he's looking at the camera like he knows what he's doing too! When I saw this photo on her Facebook wall, it brought both joy and sadness. It was a joy to have her take a siblings shot, but I know how difficult this has been for her. It's like I hurt for both my children.

Double pain. I grieve over the loss of my son, and I hurt as I watch my daughter struggle to deal with it all as well. One of a mother's worst nightmares. I'm proud of the woman she has become and how she has let it bring her closer to God, but the journey, like each of ours, has been difficult.

I guess caregiving really changes us, but we don't always realize how much or in what ways those changes are affecting us. They keep telling us that we are emerging a beautiful butterfly - but too often I still feel stifled in a cocoon with no flight in site.

I'm sitting here and reflecting on our memories recent and past and wondering what to do with all the emotions. Then out of nowhere I get this text that just says "Psalm 35." I was like - what a jerk to just send a reference and no point! lol So of course, I opened my Bible and read through the chapter. David talks a lot about stumbling, fighting, affliction, and fighting with his enemies. I'm thinking it sounds a lot like one of my days lately.

As I read through this declarative prayer I found two things that stood out to me. I am still learning about praying about my enemies since we don't wrestle against flesh and blood and aides and agencies....But what did stand out what the declaration in verse 10 - All my bones will say, Lord who is like You....." I really like that - I want my bones to cry out even if my voice can't - and declare that He is Lord of my life.

The second verse that grabbed my attention was the final one. And my tongue shall declare Your righteousness and Your praise all day long. May this be so. May I direct my tongue to declare His righteousness each day - no matter what the day brings. 1 Corinthians 1:30 says that Christ become righteousness for us. That truth cannot be changed no matter what happens to us this side of time. And that's a good thing.

Today, I will continue to say in my heart, Lord, there is none like You. And I will thank Him for becoming my righteousness. I'll turn my thoughts back to the cross where He paid the price for me, where He bore my pain and grief so I could remain in right standing with Him. My meditation will be on how He covers me...forever. I will rest in Him today knowing He has done a complete work by making me righteous and I will rejoice in this and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Mind, Will, Emotions

 As many around the world, my family gathered for Easter Sunday. One thing about my family is we have a rich heritage in the Word and in ministry. It was a true blessing to sing a few songs around the piano and especially to take communion together. I'm proud of my Christian heritage, but that hasn't stopped "bad" things from happening.

My head and heart were still full from yesterday as I awoke this morning. My emotions were still all over the place as I opened my Bible (yes I am old school - I want to touch it!) for my devotions this morning. My eyes landed in Psalm 86. David starts out with a prayer for God to hear his cry because he is afflicted and needy.

Now, I don't think David was whimpering. In my mind, he was just stating how much He needed God. He says, save Your servant, who trusts in You. And then goes on with I cry to you all day long.He lifts his soul to the Lord - that's his mind, will and emotions. The part of David that made him uniquely David. Even though our bodies are all unique and we have distinct features and fingerprints, it's our soul that makes us so unique. We think differently, have different experiences to shape us and to draw from in our thinking processes. We have various emotions and feel things differently. It's the core of our being and the part that can trip us up!

David later says, In the day of my trouble I will call on You - for You will answer me. Then he changes his perspective. In about verse 8 he starts praising God. There is none like You. You are graet and do wondrous deeds.. You alone are God. After that, his tone changes. He begins to pray differently. Instead of crying out - now he is asking, Teach me Your ways...Unite my heart to fear Your name...I will give thanks to You...

Today, I want to skip the first part of this discourse and just go to the second part. I feel crushed beneath the load of life this morning, but I will turn my focus on Him. I'll take the cries of my soul - that part of me that feels, and lay it at His feet and then I will praise Him. My prayers and meditations today will be on asking Him to teach me to trust Him more. I'll lean a little more into Him today and yield my heart to the changes He wants to make in me. I'll yield my heart and soul to Him and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Or What?

One of the difficult things about becoming a caregiver is that life goes on. Please note, it's not like most people mean that phrase. Life as we knew it, life as normal, life like everyone else does not go on. For many of us, life after caregiving is far different than before. But it seems like for everyone else - life goes on. There are two sides of this for me. On one hand it can be difficult watching all my son's friends go on with their lives as they should. they marry, have children, develop careers and have nice little lives. While my son struggles with learning to eat, move and talk again.

The other side of that coin is far different though. It's the part of life goes on that can be rewarding. My daughter married before my son's wreck, but she didn't start having children until a little later on. My daughter and I have talked about how we grieve that her kiddos will never know the Chris we knew. There's a real sadness there.

Last night, my daughter called and said that my granddaughter had fallen in the tub, hit her head, and a huge knot had come up. She seemed okay, but as a precaution they were headed to the hospital to get her checked out. I am not even sure if I can describe my range of emotions. I was angry, fearful, and had tons of what ifs running through my head. I'm an over-thinker and I had all these horrible images running through my head. I wanted to pray. I did pray. But God didn't rescue my son - can I trust Him now?  I heard my heart say - God, I can't take something else, I can't handle if my granddaughter is hurt. I lashed out at Him with my thoughts. And very simply, it was like He said, or what?

I was kind of caught off guard by that addendum to my raging thoughts. But I stopped, and thought, yeah, or what? Am I going to just stop trusting Him now? Will I walk away from Him and stop writing, praying, reading my Bible or pursuing Him? And in that moment, I realized there wasn't an or what. There's nothing I can do to manipulate life to go "my way" because, trust me, if there was I would have used it already!

Life is going to still happen and bad things are going to still happen. And I see absolutely no reason to stop trusting Him now. Instead, I find it drives me to Him more. All those deep-rooted scriptures will just dive deeper in my soul. I'll still say of the Lord - He is my help. He is a present help in trouble (any trouble, all trouble), I still run to Him with my heart's cry. I will still trust Him. I do still trust Him. And if something else does happen, I'll just learn to trust Him more. There's not an or what?.

He is the only constant in my life (see yesterday's post!). He will still carry me. He will still comfort me. He will still be with me. I'm not moving - and He's not moving.

My beautiful granddaughter is fine. She had a blast at the hospital I'm told. The nurses loved her and had fun with her and fed her snacks, and she even thought the CT scan was cool. lol She has a huge knot on her head, and a headache (she says her hair hurts).But she's okay. I'm okay. And God's okay with that.

Today I'm going to focus on trusting Him more. My thoughts will be on how He moves in closer when "bad" things happen - never further away. I'll meditate on how He is always present which means He is always right here no matter what the day brings - a true present help in trouble. I'll think about how my family has trusted Him as our refuge over the years - and that's not going to change with me. And today - I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Simple Lesson in Math

I've issued a challenge on many occasions and asked anyone brave enough to come follow me through a day in  the life of a caregiver. You wanna know how many takers I've had so far? Zilch. Zero. Nada. On one hand, I find that a bit amazing since there are so many people ready to lend advice - but not a hand. Of course, on the other hand, I'm not surprised in the least.

Each day brings different challenges depending on the level and type of care we are providing for our loved ones. For me, one day my son is pleasant, easy to work with, eats well and is alert. The next day (or moment for that matter) his body can be rigid, stiff and he can be uncomfortable and upset. He might even sleep all day.

Situations with agencies change constantly too. Yesterday, a nurse shows up without calling and announces that she's Chris' new nurse. (I liked the other one of course.)One month I get supplies, aides show up and I get some help. Other times, nothing seems to go right. As caregivers we learn to use what we have from where we are - adjust, adapt and advance! It becomes the norm after awhile and is really no big deal.

So this morning I was letting all this run around in my head and I thought - there's just nothing constant in my life. Friends change, aides change, companies change hands, jobs change... life is in a continual state of change. But God. He remains the one constant in my life. He has not changed one iota since the day of my son's wreck.

This took me back to my days of teaching math. In Algebra there will be variables and constants. Variables change - you never know what they may be. You can plug anything in for a variable for any reason at all. That's those confusing x's everyone complains about. Then in a problem, you'll also have a number. That's the constant. It will not change no matter what you do to the problem - you can count on it to still be what it was when you started. If you get confused - you can erase everything and go back to that same constant and variable. No matter what variable you use - the constant is still be the same.

I started thinking about how my life has changed - and continues to change. There are many variables coming into play. But no matter what - God is that constant - I can count on Him to remain, no matter what the variables do. No matter how "messed up" a day gets - I can always go back to the constant. If I make tons of mistakes, get out of control or just lose it - I can go back to Him because He is that constant.

His love doesn't change. His mercy doesn't change. His presence doesn't change. The fact that He is with me does not change, period. He is constant. I can count on Him to be the same. Always. The task at hand becomes shifting my focus from the variables, the things that tend to change constantly - and focusing on the Constant that never changes.

Today, I'm going to shift my focus off all the things that constantly change around me to His constant love. My meditations will be of Him and the bare truth that He doesn't change - my situation cannot change Him. I'll turn my thoughts to how He remains with me...always. He's not looking for a way out. I'll take life's algebra problem with it's many variables back to the one constant, Him. I'll remain right there rejoicing in the truth that He remains. Period. And I'll let that thought carry me as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

So, How Are You?

Do you get confused like I do when someone asks How are you? As you know by now, I'm an over-thinker and my mind can go a hundred different directions with what seems like a simple question. Do you want to know how I am as a caregiver? Not likely. Or perhaps you want to know how I am physically. Less likely - menopausal, but I did just run my 23rd half marathon, that can be intimidating. Would you like to know how my work is going? Busy, as usual I can't keep up. What about emotionally? You really don't want to know that one - because I can be all over the place for no reason at all - pick an answer from ecstatic to depressed, I don't care. lol

But we all know that no one really wants an honest answer to the question, so we just say, Oh, I'm good.  Or maybe something about being fine and doing well. Because that's the  polite thing to do, and it's safer too because those who are not caregivers can't quite grasp where we are, but it's okay because God does. He can handle it, He can handle us. He's not scared of our emotional ups and downs, our crazy thoughts (maybe that's just me), or our weird little worlds. I'm so thankful for that.

So, this morning I was reading along and came across a verse in Psalms that I've read plenty of times before and I'm pretty sure I've sung it in a song or too back in the day. But today it hit me a bit differently for some reason and  it generated a bunch of questions in my mind - as you see that's not that difficult to do.

Psalm 84:11 simply says- For the Lord God is a sun and shield. That's the first part of the verse, but I didn't make it past that. I guess I usually thought sun - like the big yellow light in the sky; and shield like a piece of armor you carry into battle to protect you. But this morning I realized I wasn't sure that made sense. I was okay with the fact that He is my light, and He is my shield in battle.

But why would the psalmist say it that way? Why would he use two such different terms as if they belonged together? Then it hit me. Maybe the psalmist meant that God is our sun - when we need the light of day; and He's our shield when the heat is too much for us to bear. In short - He's whatever we need right now. If I need the warmth of the sun - He can do that. If it's too hot for me, and I need a break - He can do that too. He can cover wherever we are in the How are you? categories. He can meet us where we are and calm our thoughts.

So the question becomes what do you need today? Or what do you need right now? Do you need direction and a light on your path? Or do you need a break, a moment to get out of the heat and catch your breath? Either way - He;s good for it. He really is everything for us - whatever we need.

Today, I'm going to focus on how He can be my sun - light, direction, warmth. And He can also be my shield - protection, wind-breaker, shelter. I'll meditate on how He really is my everything. He's all I truly need. I'll give Him all the crazy thoughts and emotions - and let Him carry me through one more day. Will you join me?

I Love You O Lord My Strength

As you know, I love the psalms, and I've been studying them looking at them from a somewhat different angle. As I read them, I'm thinking of how David was both a psalmist and a warrior. This has been an interesting study and I've learned a lot. I am making a bit of progress on the project. Hopefully, I'll have something together on it soon and can share it with everyone.

Last night I was looking over my notes and my attention was drawn to Psalm 18. I've always liked this particular psalm, but what I noticed last night was the difference in David in the first few verses and some of the latter verses. He starts out with that psalmist heart by (in my mind) singing - I love you O Lord my strength! And by verse 40 he's talking about smashing the enemy. Now, I realize throughout this psalm, and many others, David gives credit to the Lord for strengthening him for the battle.  David says that God taught his hands to war, and that by God's strength he could run through a troop and leap over a wall. This warrior attributes his victories to the Lord.

In my mind, David cleans the blood off his sword, then picks up his harp and sings about how his God led him to victory. In this psalm, though, David starts out with what I interpret as a softness... singing about his love of the Lord. I love You O Lord my strength.... right before he smashes the enemy.

I think as caregivers we can relate. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God strengthens us for this walk. It is He who carries us through the darkest, roughest times. We can sing I love You O Lord my strength!  And mean it. Those tender moments we have with Him can be what carries us through the tougher moments. We can relate to David when he says the Lord teaches him to war. Or when he says You've strengthened my hands for battle. We know that's true.

One minute we are singing His praises and the next we may be in an altercation with the agency that sends the aides. We can be praising Him and then have to tend to the baser needs of our loved ones. It's those tender moments with Him that carry us through the tougher spots we face. Because I love Him I don't want to walk through anything without Him. I need Him to strengthen me to face the day, and I have to get up-close-and-personal for Him to do that.

Today I will rejoice that He gives me the strength for this walk. I'll thank Him for walking it with me and for empowering me to continue walking with Him. My thoughts will be on how He smashes my enemy (fill-in-the-blank... depression, discouragement, exhaustion...). I'll meditate on His strength and how it is strong in my weakness. And I will rely on and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Closer Than He's Ever Been

Crazy, crazy week. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say I've seen one of every basic medical worker except a surgeon this week. Yup - including firefighters, EMT personnel, ER physicians and techs, who by the way don't know how to transfer a handicapped person from a table to a chair, to home visit nurses and case managers. It's been one of those weeks - one caregivers are all too familiar with.

Over the last couple of hectic days, I also made a choice. I decided I would not focus on all the things that were demanding my attention. This doesn't mean I abandoned my responsibilities in any way - I just didn't let them have me. Instead of wringing my hands, I chose to lift them. I stopped in the middle of the craziness and focused on Him.

I also refocused in the natural too. How do you do that? I'm glad you asked. It can be easy to get off on some of the many things we can't do because of our caregiving situations. So, instead of thinking about how I couldn't travel, or do this or that, I decided to think about what I have done since I became a caregiver. Here are a few things I've done that might not have happened otherwise:

• got my Master's in Health Education
• became a health coach
• became a full-time freelance writer
• ran a marathon (just one)
• learned to love to run
• worked up to advanced belts in taekwondo
• learned to work from home
• taught English via skype to nations around the world
• taught in an orphanage in Pakistan

That's just a few of the "cool" things I've done since I became a caregiver. Simply shifting my focus made a big difference in my attitude. But I also made this shift spiritually. I started thinking about all He's done for us. I thought about how He has provided all along the way. You can tell I haven't missed a meal! lol We have not gone without for one day. He reestablished me in Him - and in His word and gave me such a deeper meaning of faith - a faith that is now applicable in everyday life. I learned how to be totally open and honest with God about my feelings - and He didn't get mad at me.

His love is sweeter and His grace is closer than they've ever been to me. I think I know Him just a little better and I wouldn't trade for that. His word has new life-sustaining meaning for me. I've heard Him singing over me - heard the song of His heart and felt His tender love for me. His sustaining power is real and his Word is rooted deeper in my heart than ever before. 

He has filled me with peace, comforted me when I was distraught, and walked this journey with me. He has not abandoned me or left me stranded emotionally, physically, or spiritually. He's closer than He's ever been. And for that I am thankful. The psalmist said, the nearness of my God is good.

Today I will meditate on how good it is to have God walking this journey with me. I'll tune my thoughts in to His love and grace and let Him have my focus today. I'll turn my meditations to His ever abiding presence, His sustaining mercy, His everlasting kindness and grace. And that's where I will rest my emotions and thoughts as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

From Darkness to Light - Cocoon to Flight

There's just something about getting out in the fresh air and sunshine that revives you. Health-wise I know the sun causes our bodies to make vitamin D, which is essential and not found naturally in very many foods. Pure old sunshine also helps in the fight depression. As the spring weather has sprung, I'm trying to get myself and my son out the door a bit more to benefit from the natural elements.

One of the things I liked about this apartment when I found it nearly 6 years ago was the nice park behind it. There is a very nicely maintained paved walkway and a Frisbee golf course. For the little ones, there's a water pad on the end away from where we live. From my door, to through the park and back is just over one mile, so it makes a nice little walk.

Yesterday on our walk through the park, I saw the beauty of spring. There were several different types of butterflies, and colorful flowers scattered throughout the park. I'm not sure what it is exactly that seeing butterflies and flowers makes better, but at least it makes me smile a bit. Maybe the freshness of spring is just - refreshing. There's the promise of new life and maybe a little bit of hope associated with it.

But as we enjoy the beauty of a new butterfly or a freshly grown wildflower, we don't even see the struggle it took to produce them. The butterfly struggled to break out of the cocoon; and the flower fought through layers of dark soil to emerge into the sunlight. We just see the beauty and forget about the struggle. Somehow we miss the part about the frail little stem that fought through dirt and grit, withstood harsh conditions and fought to produce the little flower that makes us smile. Neither we nor the butterfly remembers the struggle of fighting off the binding of the cocoon to be able to spread wings. Gently they unfolded and as they dried they soon gave way to flight.


Our trouble may very well be that we not only remember the struggles, but are still fighting through them every single day. People say you're so inspiring. I'm like - no I'm surviving. Maybe they see the fruit of the struggle, and yes there is fruit. They see the flower - the love we have for our caregivee, the dedication to the journey, and the sheer tenacity it takes to keep going. What they don't see or understand is the time in the cocoon, or the time underground. But we remember well. That's partly because we are still living it day after day.

All I can hope for at the end of the day is that people see the flower or the butterfly rather than the struggle. These things were on my mind this morning as I read Romans 8. We know verse 28, and at times hate to hear that all things work together for good... I've heard myself think, yeah, I know. But knowing that somehow He can turn all the pain, suffering, and struggles into something good, doesn't help working through the process any easier.

I think we've heard that verse out of context for a long time now. It's our go-to verse for everything we don't understand. But the verses just before it we often ignore.

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress.

For we don't even know what we should pray for,

nor how we should pray.

But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings

that cannot be expressed in words.

And the Father who knows all hearts

knows what the Spirit is saying

for the Spirit pleads for us believers

in harmony with God's own will.

We just seem to bypass these two verses since we don't understand them and grab the one that is supposed to make everything better. We miss that He helps us in our distress. That part of caregiving that is similar to struggling to get out of a cocoon. He understands us when we don't even know what we should pray or how to pray, just like the butterfly was waiting for its wings to dry before it takes flight. And then there's this phrase that stuck out to me - He knows our hearts.

Today, I'm going to rest in the fact that He knows my heart. I'm going to turn my thoughts to how He can see the most hidden parts of my soul - and think about how I'm actually okay with that. I want Him to see me, to know me. My meditation will be on how while He's making all this work out for good somehow - Holy Spirit is behind the scenes praying for me to make it, carrying me across the finish line, helping me emerge from the darkness into flight. Yeah, He's got this. He's got me. He's got you. And with that thought - I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Every Single Time

There are so many different situations caregivers deal with. I think there are entirely different dynamics between taking care of a child and caring for a parent. There's also different emotional packages for those who care for adult children who have become injured or ill, and caring for a child who was born with a condition. Even though each of these are caregiving roles, there's no way to compare them as they are each unique even if there are some similarities.

It's a whole different set of emotions dealing with my son's situation and  dealing emotionally with my mom's slow decline. I'm not specifically a caregiver for her, but she stays with me from time to time and I try to help out when I can. But I kinda got my hands full here. And that's a whole other set of emotions - feeling like I can't provide for my parents as much as I'd like to because I'm already a caregiver.

These are thoughts that are going through my mind this morning as I am working through some of my emotional pain. It may be the only constant in caregiving. And boy is it constant. This weekend has been one of lots of memories. It started with a simple post about the poisonous snakes in Oklahoma. A specific memory of a hike Chris and I took together surfaced. It was a funny memory of a hike cut short due to a snake. I laughed. I cussed. I cried.

Memories can be my best friend, or my worst enemy. I'm glad I have them. But they can cause so much pain. I think I'm making progress whatever that might look like because as memories came up this weekend and pain rose to the top, I didn't get quite as angry with God. It's kind of funny actually. The pain comes up and I don't know anything to do with it but to run to Him. I stand there with a broken heart asking all my why questions to which there are no answers. None that would suffice anyway.

There's this rush of emotions - I'm bringing my pain to Him, but then I'm mad at Him. But I'm bringing my aching soul anyway. Because I don't know of a better place to take it but to the One who can heal. That makes me angry again for a second or two. I think because He is the ONLY one who could do something. But He didn't.

But here I am before Him once again with my broken heart asking Him to soothe, comfort and heal. He never rolls His eyes and says, you again?  He never tells me I can't "come in" because I'm partly mad at Him still. He never turns me away. He doesn't tell me I'm too much to handle or I've run out of tickets to see Him. He doesn't get tired of me. Instead , in my mind He welcomes me,  brushes me off, straightens my clothes and smooths them out, pushes my hair out of my eyes and tells me He loves me. I'm welcome there. Every.Single.Time.

He doesn't get tired of me running to Him with the constant pain and grief from caregiving. Instead He somehow brings comfort and then pours His strength in me. I have lots of scriptures running through my head right now but the most prominent is a familiar one from Isaiah 40. It says this:

O Israel, how can you say the Lord doesn't see your troubles?

How can you say God refuses to hear your case?

Have you not heard or understood?

Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of all the earth?

He never grows faint or weary.

No one can measure the depths of His understanding.

He gives power to those who are tired and worn out;

He offers strength to the weak.

And that's where I stand up and identify. Hey - I'm in the Bible - that's me!! I'm tired, worn out and weak. But He give me power, and offers me strength. 

Today I will be thankful that He is always there for me and never turns me away. I'll meditate on how He shares His strength with me when I have none left of my own. My thoughts will be on that spot where I feel I am standing before Him broken and alone...and He's not afraid to touch me. I'll be thankful that He meets me with His strength every single time. And I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Rough Hands - Soft Heart

It's been another crazy week around here, sometimes I wonder what happened to my cave. I used to go days without talking to a soul and now it seems my apartment has a revolving door and my phone doesn't stop. Sometimes I think I need a bit of a break, but most times I actually like it because it's more like my true "norm." My house has always been a hub of activity and my friends know I have an open door policy. Basically, anyone's welcome anytime. It's just who I am. But it can keep me on my toes when it comes to balancing out caregiving, jobs and the rest of life.

Last night was a late night as many have been lately. I had a project due for a client and lots of work on my plate. I did change my alarm this morning to a bit later so I could get a little sleep. I know it's necessary but it can seem like such a waste. (slightly joking) Do you know what I could get done in that 4-6 hours? I get frustrated because I'm human and my body demands it. lol

This morning as I grabbed my first cup of coffee and was reading with just one eye open.... I found some interesting thoughts in Psalm 143. One of my projects in the works right now is on David and how he was so fully a worshiper and a warrior. As I was reading this psalm this morning I thought about the contrast of his calloused hands playing an instrument as graceful and beautifully soothing as a harp. But doesn't that contrast explain David well? Doesn't it also give a picture of caregiving? The calloused hands from the hard work, yet in the crushing the sweet fragrance of His grace can be sensed.

I'm reading and re-reading this psalm and seeing some of the contrasts. First, I like that he spent very little time focused on the enemy but just mentions that it was a difficult fight. You know how I can get caught up in the details of the enemy! (Don't get me started on the aide that didn't show up again yesterday!) I also like how David was transparent with his feelings. But mostly, I like what he said about God.

I think David is one of our beloved Bible characters because of his open honesty about how he felt. Although I don't like saying it that way because it seems to take away from the realness of who he was. In psalm 143 he says several things about himself that maybe the caregiver can relate to at one time or another. He said he was:

• losing all hope
• paralyzed with fear
• deepening depression
• I think I'm going to die

Have we ever felt this way? Overwhelmed, hopeless and depressed. I've been there. Thankfully, I am not there right now  - but it can be a constant battle to keep our heads up and stay positive when we are swimming in caregiving. We can be open and honest about how we feel. God already knows anyway.

David also makes some very cool statements about God in this psalm. I love the words he uses to describe Him. He uses words like these to describe God:

• faithful
• righteous
• unfailing love
• gracious

In the process of this written prayer, possibly even sung by David, he asks God for a few things too. I think these are great things for caregivers to ask of God as well. He asks God to:

• Show me where to walk
• Save me from my enemies
• Teach me to do Your will
• Lead me on firm footing
• Bring me out of this distress
• Cut off my enemies

David didn't try to act like the enemy didn't exist and was actually very clear that his struggle was with the fact that he did.  He also said a few things about the enemy. He said:

• he's chasing me
• he knocked me to the ground
• forced me to live in the darkness

That can happen on any given day, can't it. Because we live with our emotional cup all the way to to the brim all the time, what seems to be the littlest thing can topple us over. Talk about living on the edge.I think caregivers own that edge. (smile)

Now what I noticed is that David mentioned 3 things about the enemy, 4 things about himself and the rest was about God or asking Him for help. This tells me where his focus was. Faithful, righteous, gracious and loving. That's our God. No matter what we have to face or walk through today - His attributes do not change, not even a bit. He never stops being faithful. He never says I can't handle this. And He handles someone like me who is quite rough on the edges with so much grace. I need that today. 

Today I'm going to think about how faithful and gracious He is. My thoughts will be on how He doesn't lose patience with me - when I lose patience with life. I'll meditate on this life, calloused by the journey can still pour out the sweet fragrance of worship. And He likes that. I'm going to trust this faithful, gracious, loving, and righteous God with one more day. Will you join me?

Even a Sigh Catches His Ear

You really never know what a day is going to bring. Many of us became caregivers because of a tragic event like I did with my son. Others may care for parents or loved ones who are in a slow decline like my Mom. Either way, we do the best we can with what we have to work with each day.

No one knows this path unless they walk it. There are many difficulties, as well as many blessings along the way. For me, one of the most difficult parts of this journey has been hooking back into scriptures. It took some time as I was so angry with God for allowing this to happen. Then it took more time for Him to reshape my faith and help me understand Him more fully. He's not a magical potion that keeps trouble away - but instead a powerful force that carries me through.

Sometimes when I read familiar passages I can still feel the struggle between what I thought faith was and how it actually plays out in our day to day lives. This morning was one of those times as I was reading in Isaiah. I was cruising through chapter 35 about how the eyes of the blind will be opened, the deaf will hear and the lame will leap, etc. I've always been taught that this portion of scripture is promised to us on the other side and I'm okay with that. During the Charismatic move in the 70's we used to sing the last verse, King James style of course.

Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return

and come with singing unto Zion

and everlasting joy shall be upon their heads.

They shall obtain gladness and joy

and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Somehow we understood it to be out there and about heaven - in the sweet by and by. But as I read the last part this morning I thought about how often I hear a sigh escape. You know those times when there just aren't words; and sometimes there's no emotions left either. Or maybe we just aren't sure what to say, do or think and we hear ourselves sigh.

As I read it this morning, I thought He knows when I sigh. And for a second it was like I could feel Him close. Who is close enough to us to hear, or feel us sigh? Most people aren't there in the midnight hour when the day has closed in around us. Or maybe we sigh when we get that unexpected bill, a notice of cancelled services - things like insurance that we were counting on. Another friend walks away. Maybe we stumble under the weight of it all - or perhaps we even sigh as we realize we are making it each day. Whatever makes you sigh......He is close enough to feel it.

This makes me think of Psalm 139:3 that says He is intimately acquainted with all my ways. He is close enough to hear and feel each and every sigh. Those points in life where there just aren't any words left - He can feel it too. He sees. He understands and He does not condemn. He continues to love, to carry and to strengthen for the journey.

Today, I am going to think about how close someone has to be to feel and hear my soul's sigh. My meditation will be on how up in my business God really is - and how I like it like that. I will rejoice that He wants to be that close to me - when others do not. I'll turn my thoughts to His ever abiding - within reach - presence. And I will be thankful that we are His choice of habitation. With that I will rest in Him and trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

That's Impossible!

Do you ever read the Bible and get frustrated? I do. And immediately afterwards I feel guilty. But feelings are feelings now, aren't they? This morning after making coffee, changing and bolusing my son, I sat down with my Bible and a fresh cup of coffee to read a bit. My pen was in Zechariah so I just started reading there in chapter 8 which starts talking about God's passionate love for Mount Zion and Jerusalem.

It continues talking about how He is going to rescue His people and restore them. Zechariah says God will bring all His people back home and basically restore their fortunes, reestablish them and give them peace. In verse 12, God says He is going to plant seeds of peace and prosperity among them. I wonder what that looks like when it plays out in real time.

For a long time, I thought God was going to ride in on a white horse and rescue me and my son too. Of course that didn't happen. Then I struggled with anger, bitterness and frustration. Caregivers have to work through a lot of that sometimes. I learned that restoration didn't look quite like I thought - but He can restore. I learned that whether my son got up and walked again or not - my faith is still in God. He didn't restore my son, but He did restore my faith.

Maybe He didn't restore my BC (before caregiving) life, but He did restore my passion for Him. Perhaps I was looking for lands, houses and wealth - while He was doing a supernatural work restoring my heart and my passion for Him. Oh yeah, remember David says He restores my soul. Isn't that the part that matters most anyway?

As I went back and re-read the passage in Zechariah 8, my eyes fall on verse 6 which says, all of this may seem impossible to you now, a small and discouraged remnant of God's people. But do you think it is impossible for me, the Lord Almighty? He did not scream, yell, rant or rave when He pointed out their discouragement. It wasn't derogatory for Him to remind them they were but a small people. The thing is, He could see them through and through and He sought to restore them anyway.

Here's the cool part to me. He said I will bring them home to live safely in Jerusalem.They will be My people, and I will be faithful and just toward them as their God. That's the part He can restore - and that part - changes everything.

He will not stop being my God when I am small and discouraged. Compassion moves Him toward us - not away from us. It's not impossible for Him to restore our brokenness. This body isn't the important part, it's that part of us that isn't going to die that needs His touch. The secret areas of our heart where no man can see is what needs to be made whole. And He can do that.

Today, I will yield my soul to the work of His hands. I won't look for restoration in the natural realm - but I will wait for Him to do His work in my soul: in my mind, will and emotions. And rather than hold it back because I'm still a little bit mad at Him, I'll move out of my comfortable cave - and let Him see me, let Him touch me. I'll let Him touch and restore the deep recesses of my heart that I don't show to anyone. That place where discouragement lives. I will turn my thoughts to His compassion for us and His deep desire to see us whole before Him. And I will let. Yup - I'm gonna let Him work in me today as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Peeking Out of the Cave

Do you feel like you are in a constant state of change? Sometimes I am afraid to put my feet down so to speak, as everything is bound to be different before I get them settled. Today will be different too, as each day is unique and yet redundant at the same time.

We do the same caregiving tasks over and over, day after day. Today, though I have the promise of an aide. And now that I have settled in to an aide-less routine, that means changing it all up again. It sounds silly and like it wouldn't matter, but it really does change a lot.

For instance, I want to make sure our laundry is sorted out because when aides are not coming regularly I do some of it together. I also have to get Chris fed, bathed or up (depending on his sleeping schedule) before the aide comes - or figure out when it fits in. I pretty much have to change the way I do my mornings since I have word he's really going to come. (His boss told him if he didn't show up today, she'd restaff him. Why she didn't say that to the one who is supposed to come 3 days a week I have no idea.) I'm trying not to get too excited about maybe getting to run outside or go grab a few groceries because you never really know.

I'm thinking it would be really nice if people just did their jobs. But today I'm wondering if that's just a bit much to ask. I really feel like aides, and maybe even others, don't really know their value. Maybe they think it's just a "job." They don't understand the break they can give us or how much it helps for them to tackle some of our daily chores. They just want to get their paycheck. But that is not in any way a demonstration of their true value.

When it comes to relieving the caregiver, a good aide is invaluable. They don't seem to get that. Even doing a couple loads of laundry, vacuuming or sitting with my son for a few minutes so I can run is worth more than anyone can pay. Especially if I get to run out and be free for a few minutes! They are not here long and I have to balance it all with work so I often have to choose between getting some errands done or going for a run. I also have to do everything with one eye on the watch because I have to be time conscious. But it can make or break my day. They don't understand the value in that.

As I am thinking about aides and how they can really make a difference for caregivers if they put just a little heart into it, I wonder if we underestimate our value to God, and to others for that matter. We can feel cut off and separate from society like we live in a cave with no real value to give. Ah, yes the caregiver's cave. It can be a humble, but safe place to be.  It can also be lonely and dark sometimes. And when we do dare to peek out - it looks so different out there.

Our days, our jobs, our lives can look so different, in fact that it's much easier to stay tucked inside rather than venture out to see what our lives appear to be lacking. I have to guard my attitude sometimes because I hear people outside my cave whining about what I consider a simple matter - an outside the cave matter. Looking at life out there can make me feel more alone - more separated, and of less value. But this is simply not true.

We are the apple of His eye - of great value. God didn't take anything back from us as His children because we became caregivers. Every single promise still holds true. We are still in the beloved, His son still died for us, we are still the righteousness of God in Christ. He still calls us His own. And the list could go on and on. We are still part of His greatest treasure.

Today, I am going to think about how valuable I am to God, even if I don't feel like it. Life may discard us - but He does not. I'll turn my thoughts to His great love for us - even caregivers - and aides. I'll meditate on the value He must place on us. I'll think about what it means to be His prized possession or to be precious in His sight. And that should fill my mind up today - as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

How do You Smell?

I was reading Isaiah 55 this morning and several things jumped out at me. One of them was verse 10 which says He was pleased to crush Him. That made me think of how they make essential oils (which I use daily) and how perfume is made as well. In either of these processes, it's the crushing that brings out the sweet fragrance.

Now, I have to admit that sometimes in the crushing - the fragrance that has been released was not pleasant. Remember crushing stink bugs as a kid - that was not nice, nor did it smell good. Crush a garlic and you'll smell garlic. But you will get whatever is inside of what's being crushed.

Caregiving can be a crusher that lets us know what's truly inside. As a matter of fact, it's more like a constant crushing, I refer to it as living in the furnace. It never stops. This can reveal our character - what we are really made of - what we really smell like.

I've seen both as it pertains to myself. There are times when the crushing comes and out pops the sweetest poem, song, thought or action toward another. And then of course, there are the times when the crushing brings out cussing, screaming and the I just can't take it anymores. It can depend on the day, or the moment really.

But as I'm looking through this chapter, I see that He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.  He was despised, afflicted and crushed for our iniquities. It also says He was despised and forsaken of men. Wow. Some of the feelings we can deal with as caregivers - Jesus felt them too. He understands rejection and never quite fitting in. He understands taking the blows for someone else. He understands when others look away because we look too hideous. And He did it all for others - not for Himself. The ultimate caregiver.

He was crushed so we could experience salvation, He was bruised so we could be healed. He was beaten so we could be justified. He laid His life down so we could all live. When He was crushed the beautiful fragrance of redemption poured forth.

Day after day we lay our lives out there for our loved ones - and it smells good to Him. The fragrance of our crushing brings out a sweet smell that is identifiable as love. The same love that held Him on the cross for us - is the love that holds us by our loved one's side. That smells good to Him.

For me, it's easy to see how He loves others with that kind of love, but I can't always grasp it for myself. I think as caregivers we get so outwardly focused, partly because we have to be, that we can't see it for ourselves. But He loves us. He calls us His. He redeemed us - He didn't die for everyone except caregivers.

Today I will turn my thoughts to His great love for us....for me. I'll meditate on how it can be possible for Him to feel the same measure of love for me as I feel for my son, and even more. I will roll it around in my head and try to comprehend His love for me, and my work will be to accept it and to trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Who Am I Really?

It's so easy to get lost in the shuffle. We don't have to go through the list of all the things we have to do in a day, or the numerous people who come through weekly to check on our loved one, or the paperwork we have to keep up with - all to provide proper care. But most of these activities are based around the one we are caring for - not around us.

My "love language" is time. If you spend time with me I feel loved. You can lavish gifts on me  (not that anyone has tried that recently! lol) and I won't necessarily be able to translate that as love. But spend time with me and I will feel like you care.

The social isolation of caregiving and the always feeling like you're out of step with normal can start to wear on you. Lately, I'm so much more comfortable with caregiving - and not struggling as much about going into public places. I guess that happens when you don't have an aide for an extended period of time and you just have to adjust. I also nearly ran out of coffee - that'll get you out of the house. ;-)

But over the weekend, I had to do some thinking and dealing with the feelings of rejection. It can be easy to feel like life itself has rejected us - like we don't really belong anywhere. It's not true - but it can feel that way. To be honest, even small things like aides not showing up can wear away at one's self-worth. The one aide needs to get fingerprints. This is his second week to not work and for me it sends the message we are not worth his time to go get that done. And of course the company doesn't offer a fill-in. This and many other things can wear away at one's self-worth.

Last week I was dealing with this issue, actually caused by another event and I felt myself slipping into the abyss. Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, and aloneness tried to weigh me down. I started rehearsing some of the scriptures that reminded me of how much He loves me - no matter what life looks like or if I have to do it alone.

I compiled the list and labeled the file Come Away my Beloved. Because the truth is that we are His beloved - no matter what our lives look like to us or to others. Whether we are a sole caregiver or actually have some help, whether we can attend church or can't get out much at all. It doesn't matter we are still His beloved. That's who we really are and it doesn't change, period.

Today I am going to focus on the truth that I am His beloved child. My thoughts will be on His acceptance of me - just.the.way.I.am. I will turn my meditations to how much He loves me and cares for me in this life I am living for Him. I'll rest in His love for today. Will you join me?

Not True!

One of the things I do to "deal" with caregiving is run. I started while my son was initially in the hospital because I was looking for a way to be active. We spent almost 4 months in the hospital after his wreck. I stayed with him and never left except for very short outings to do laundry and such. I read a lot, but finally started a running plan just to get some activity in as the sitting wore me out.

It took me three weeks to work up to the beginning program, but eventually I trained for that first 5K. I found running to be a great stabilizer for me. When I run, my body releases tension, my head seems to clear and I just feel better in general.

Yesterday I finished my 22nd half marathon. I hadn't trained properly for it so it was a tough one. That and the fact that I'm coming off an injury I sustained in an 8 mile trail race  back in January made for a rather painful race. On a tough race like that all the "good thoughts" disappear about 7 miles in. I get frustrated with myself and my mind starts turning toward negative thoughts.

Yesterday I started thinking about how overweight I am and my lack of self control as it pertains to eating and training. The half-marathon mind cannot be held accountable as it gets crazy in there - but at some point for whatever reason, I thought about how "ugly" I must look. Then I thought about my life and literally had the thought, my whole life is ugly.

The second I heard that thought go through my head - I heard this resounding Not True! It was sort of like God pulled out a huge "not true" stamp and landed it on my head. It was funny to me - and the thoughts it initiated kept me going for a good mile or two more. Even though many parts of caregiving can be "ugly" or difficult, or not the normal picture of life, there's still much beauty in it.

I thought about how beautiful it is to lay down one's life for another. That's what we do isn't it? Jesus said there's no greater love than this. That's beautiful. The way we care so much for another whole person and strive to meet every need - no matter what that need is at the moment - He thinks is beautiful. 

Sure, it's tough. Sure it's not the normal picture of how life is supposed to be. Sure, we lose a lot of freedom by choosing caregiving - but He thinks it's beautiful. Now when I think something that's not true - I'm going to envision a huge "not true" stamp coming down on the top of my head! lol

As I opened my Bible this morning for devotions, I just happened on the passage in Luke 7, and I felt it applied. Jesus was dining with one of the Pharisees and a woman who had a shady past, an ugly life, began to wash Jesus' feet. The Pharisee thought if this man were a prophet, He would know who and what sort of person this woman is who is touching Him, that she is a sinner.  The truth is - He did know. And He found beauty in it. Jesus used this imaginary "Not true!" stamp to negate the Pharisee's thoughts as He explained that this woman performed acts of kindness, of caregiving if you will, when the Pharisee did not. He found it beautiful - not ugly.

May we all experience the "Not true!" stamp when we think what we do is less than beautiful. I've said it before but it bears repeating that as we demonstrate our love through caregiving - we look a lot like Him. And I feel that He is pleased.

Today I am going to purposefully let Him show me the beauty in my situation. My thoughts will be on how He takes good care of my soul with the same type of love that I provide care for my son. I'm going to think about how this woman washed Jesus' feet out of pure love and how He saw the act. I believe that's how He sees us as caregivers too. He is just as passionate for us as we are for our loved ones, just as protective, compassionate, and loving - maybe more. I will turn my thoughts to these truths today. I'm going to trust Him and rest in Him for one more day - will you join me?

But Can I Forgive the Aides?

When I became a caregiver, everything changed. It was both instant and gradual. Instantly I was thrust into learning all about brain injuries and how to provide personal care for another adult. As time went on, as it tends to do, I learned more until now I'm literally helping write a course on it.

A caregiver pretty much lives in a state of adaptability. We never know what a day may bring and we have to be ready to change on the fly in order to handle whatever might come up. But we are still sons, daughters, moms, sisters, dads, brothers, etc. Many friends walk away, the church doesn't know what to do with us and usually our jobs either adapt to our new responsibilities as caregivers, we no longer have them or we adjust in some other way like working online.

I think our Christian walk is similar in this way. The second we accept Christ - we are changed. Bam! We are a new creation. But over time a we learn more about Him and become more like Him we see continued changes. This is true for everyone. The more time we spend with Him the more we'll look like Him as He tends to rub off on His kids.

This morning I was reading in Colossians 3 and in verse 10 Paul says we have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him - And then the next verse says there's no distinction - all believers are renewed; the Greek and the Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free - and I'd like to add caregivers or caregivees - Christ is all, and in all.

I stopped there in my reading and thought about that for awhile. Our roles as caregivers take absolutely nothing away from who we are in Christ. For that matter we still have the responsibility of pressing in to Him - no matter what life throws our way. No one ever gets it so bad they get an exempt card. 

On one hand, this is good. I am still eligible for His love, grace, mercy, peace, and many abundant blessings. But then I realize that since nothing changes in the spirit realm when we become a caregiver I still have to put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. I still have to live out verse 13 - bearing with one another, forgiving each other and put on love.
I'm glad to not be exempt on the good stuff - but can I catch a break on the rough stuff? Do I still have to deal with caregiving and the struggles and still be patient? Even with aids (two of them now) that don't show up for over a week? I still have to forgive? Everyone?

Yes.

And that might just be the difficult part. But I can't move on to the last three verses of this chapter until I've done these. Only after I embrace his love, forgiveness, gentleness and mercy - can I let His peace rule in my heart and let his word dwell in me richly.

Caregivers are not exempt on either end, and that's a good thing. I also think He works those things in and through us as we learn to lean on Him more for each day's needs. Today I just need grace. At least I already know the aid isn't showing up as he texted last night - so I can adjust my schedule and chores accordingly. But can I forgive the aids for leaving me in a lurch? Can I work through the depression that seems to close in when I don't get those little breaks? Can I forgive them? They really do not have a clue how beneficial their services are - can I just be thankful?

Today I will shift my focus from frustration and fury to forgiveness. My thoughts will be on how patient He is with me - and I pray I can be the same with others. I'll rejoice in the fact that I still have everything Christ has to offer - my status being His - didn't change when caregiving started. And I'll do some inner reflection and let Him shine the light on the things I still need to change. I will yield to Him as He continues to change me into His image one (tiny) step at a time. I'll rest in Him as He brings about change - and I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Broke, Broke, or Broke?

You know how caregiving days go. Even though there's nothing easy about it, some days are good, some are better and a few are downright rough. There can be a number of reasons for a rough day. It might be physically rough, mentally rough, emotionally rough or a combination of any of those plus any number of other reasons. Yesterday, I just felt broke. I'm learning to take it all to Him. He's not afraid of my broken state.

Yesterday, I was thinking about how broken I was and in the process I realized there are three basic types of "broke." I can be financially broke - which thank God for His provision - I am not. I can be broke - like not working and needing to be fixed broke. Or I can be broke - like broken before God, humble and broken.

 I'm in the middle of a challenge called the psalmist challenge. I designed it myself as part of a project I'm working on. For 30 days I have to take a few minutes to play, sing and pray. So far, every day I have written a short poem or song at least. It's interesting what we can hear when we tune our ears in. So I decided to take my "broke" self to Him. But did He want it? Would He turn me away because my life felt ugly like people do?

I thought of the scripture in Psalm 34:18 that says The Lord is near the brokenhearted and I wondered if it had any defining qualifications on it. Is He near me if I feel like I'm broken and cannot mend? Is He near me if I am broken emotionally and feel like I can't move on or take one more step? Or is He near me just when I am humbly bowing before Him overcome with His presence? Is He near me when I feel spent, exhausted and done?  I'm thinking it's "D" all of the above.

God is not afraid of my broken state. He doesn't shun me when I am riddled with fears. He won't cast me aside when I am overcome by the daily rigors of caregiving. When people avoid me because they don't know what to say - He draws close. Broke, broke or broken - none of them scares Him, and He draws near.

I am not entirely sure which the psalmist is talking about in this verse. He goes on in verse 19 to say there are many afflictions for the righteous. I'm avoiding the next part of that verse as it says the Lord delivers them out of them all. You and I both know He's not riding in on a white horse today to carry us away. So what does that mean? Contextually, I believe it means He rides through it with us - carrying us all along the way. Those steps we don't have the strength to make - He makes for us. He doesn't remove everything and make life all hunky-dory, but He does endure it with us and carry us through it.

So, no matter if we feel broke, broke or broke, He draws near and He beckons for us to draw near to Him. He's not afraid of our broken state. He won't turn and look away because of the pain like people tend to do. He walks right up to us in the midst of the fiery trial and says, Come near. He will pull us right up to Himself just like a father gently holding a hurting child. He brings comfort. He will not abandon.

Today I will meditate on His nearness. I'll turn my thoughts to how He longs to hold me near to His heart when I am hurting the most. My thoughts will be on how He picks me up, brushes me off, holds me, and is walking through this with me; even carrying me when need be. I will rest in the fact that He is present - ever present. And I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?


Here is the video of the short song I wrote yesterday about how He draws us near whether we are broke, broke or broke. Come Near.

Shifting Sands

This morning, I am tired. I know the day has not even started but I've already sighed three times. Just knowing all that will need to be done today makes me weary. It's really not an unusual day, just another day.

Caregiving has to be one of the craziest things I've ever done, and I've done some crazy things - and had some extreme jobs. One just really has no idea what to expect on any given day. Like yesterday with no warning the company showed up with my son's new bed. I had no idea he was coming (what happened to common courtesy?), but here he stood acting shocked that the old bed was still standing in the place the new bed belonged. I just looked at him in the same shock. How was I supposed to know he was coming if he didn't call? (smh)

He said, "We can set up the new bed but we aren't allowed to move the old one. It's company policy." I said, "Well, had I known you were coming, I'd have had this one moved out of the way. So why don't you just stand right there while I get this old one out of the way?" I began grabbing pieces and trying to figure out how to disassemble the old bed. I guess he either had a bit of compassion for an old lady - or figured it was going to take me all day because he helped take it apart and move it out to make room for the new bed.

Not only was the new bed a surprise delivery, but of course the aid hasn't been showing up. Something about needing fingerprints and he can't work until he gets them. But instead of sending someone in his place, I just get to guess everyday whether he's coming or not. Either I start all his tasks in the morning and leave him with nothing to do but sit here for 4 hours in the afternoon, or I let stuff sit until time for him to get here and then do them when he doesn't show up.... can't seem to win so I give up.

I also went ahead and ordered supplies that I've gone without for months. A box of syringes for tube feeding, about $10. For some reason they can't seem to get an approval. Now I'm told NOT to order stuff that it's coming - but where are these people when I run out of supplies? So I had to stop everything yesterday and order a few things. I'm tired of waiting.

And this is just some of the simple struggles of one day. Who knows what today will bring? Meals to be delivered, old bed to be picked up and taken to someone who needed it - probably be another crazy, unpredictable day around here. It would be so easy to slide into "victim" mode. I could whine and cry and worry about poor me. But I'd have to wipe my tears and figure it all out anyway, right? I think I'll skip that part.

We are put into such an emotional situation. We know we are told we aren't supposed to let this all make us hard, stubborn or recluse, right? But it can all pile up until we are emotionally spent - and it's all over these little things, not even the big stuff. It seems like it can chip away until there's just nothing left. What's a caregiver to do?

What we've always done. Run to Him. Leave it there and roll up our sleeves and get back in the game. Exhausting though it may be - it's our only choice. That or giving up. (Not today!) So I remind myself of a few scriptures to help me focus. First, I think of how it says David encouraged himself in the Lord. Now I know why he did that - who else was going to do it, right? (lol) I'll let you listen in on my pep talk.

I will bring all my cares to the Lord - for He cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)
I will let my requests be known to Him - for His peace will guard my heart. (Philippians 4:6,7)
I will draw near to Him - for that's when He draws near to me. (James4:8)

Today, I'm going to try my best to focus on Him instead of the situation. That's difficult when the "situation" is looming and right in your face, isn't it? But I refuse to cave in. I refuse to shift my focus off of Him and to the struggle. My hands may be weary - but today I will lift them to Him. I will remind myself that He is still my God. He is still with me. He is still my provider. And He still cares for me. And with those thoughts I am ready to take on one more day resting and trusting in Him. Will you join me?

Maybe He Knew Too

I know the scripture says His mercies are new every morning, but maybe it should have explained that there would be mornings we'd have to look a little harder to find them. Maybe it's just me, but my mind is racing with the day's responsibilities almost before I get both eyes opened. And then of course, any tiny thing out of step or above and beyond the caregiver's "norm" can catapult us into another state.

Personally, I battle depression and anxiety. That'll wear you out right there. I can be floating along doing real good and something unexpected happens and my emotions flat-line. But that's okay because once my head kicks back in, it goes 900 miles an hour with possible scenarios of things that are not likely to ever even happen. I can be emotionally spent over the tiniest adjustment to my day.

It's probably because as caregivers we run on the edge all.the.time. There's no break. We live in a state of caring constantly for another person. We make decisions for and about them, take care of very personal needs as well as basic needs and oftentimes let our own needs go because there are just 24 hours in a day. Our emotions can be taut like a rubber band stretched to its max and one itsy bitsy change can send us flying off the edge. (Maybe it's just me.)

I had a wide range of emotions yesterday as my son turned 33. It wasn't his age - it was the lack of birthday wishes really. There were a few and I'm thankful - but as is the "norm" he seems forgotten as time goes on. I am sure it is to be expected in situations like this - but even what is expected can hurt your feelings a little bit. (Or a lot.)

This morning this was going over in my mind and I thought of the verse that says Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Psalm 27:10 NLT I had to pull out my Bible and look it up and I'm glad I did because I noticed the scriptures right before it. David says in verse 9: Do not hide yourself from me. Do not reject your servant in anger. You have always been my helper. Don't leave me now; don't abandon me, O God of my salvation! 

I was like - did David really say that?  Did he really feel that? This "man after God's own heart" fought feelings of abandonment? He was just talking about God concealing him in His sanctuary earlier and out pops this - what if God leaves too? Of course he then answers his own questions (I do that too!) with the statement that God will hold him close. I like that.

Today, I'm going to lay aside the sadness from yesterday, the feelings of aloneness and the heaviness of abandonment. And I'm going to focus on that little phrase - the Lord will hold me close. I'm thinking that from that intimate, secret place - the rest really won't matter as much. I'm going to meditate on the truth that He doesn't abandon - ever, no matter how life feels. I'll turn my thoughts to His nearness, to His touch, to His tenderness and mercy - which is new every morning whether I find it or not! I will thank Him for walking this journey with me - a task humans can't always do. I'll find the strength to trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Not Today

I want to apologize. I'm truly sorry but I just didn't want to get up and write a devotion this morning. Not that I don't love you guys, but I'm just tired, and it's my own fault really. I was up late last night finishing up an overdue project for a client and this morning I really wanted to sleep in.

But as you fellow caregivers know, that's not always an option. Things just have to be done. They can't be put off, can't wait for another day - each day is laden with tons of things that simply have to get done when you are providing total care for another whole person.

My early morning routine looks something like this:

• Hit the snooze (repeat 5-6 times)
• Hit the button on the baby monitor to see if Chris is awake yet
• Stumble to the kitchen to put on coffee
• Get Chris' bolus together
• Push the button on the coffee pot
• Open the other eye
• Change and bolus Chris
• Stumble back to the kitchen to pour my coffee
• Drag myself, my laptop and my Bible and my coffee back to bed
• Sip coffee, open my Bible and sigh

That's pretty much every morning. Today I have lots of thoughts running through my head as it's Chris' 33 birthday. Never dreamed this is where we'd be. He's supposed to be married, working as a successful musician, living his dreams and making babies. His friends are.

Instead he's lying in a bed waiting on me for his every need.

So I was looking for something solid to stand on today. Quite honestly, I'll probably try to just get lost in my work today so I don't have to think about it too much. I might need to be carried a bit today but I'll try to stay focused. I opened the Word and started reading a passage or two I've been wanting to look back at and then I thought of a verse the verse that is going to be my anchor for today.

Psalm 119:50 came to mind - I hadn't thought of it in a long time, and it just welled up inside me. David said this: It is my comfort in my affliction that Your word has revived me! The old KJV says Your word has quickened me. I must say it is a comfort to know his word still works. Even when I'm not sure what to read - what verse to cling to for the day - once I find a truth that puts something  sometimes anything inside me - I won't let go. It comforts me to know that His word still works in the midst of the furnace. The fires can burn away the chaff - but they can't burn away His truth which continues to carry my heart.

So today I say Not Today! Today is NOT the day I will give up though my heart is heavy. Today is NOT the day I quit though I am tired. Today is NOT the day His word fails to comfort me. Today is NOT the day He stops carrying me. Today is NOT the day I throw in the towel. Today is NOT the day He will leave me all alone. It's NOT the day He shrugs His shoulders unsure of what to do. Today is NOT the day He quits comforting me. Today is NOT the day I stop trusting Him. Not today.

Today will be the day I continue to put my confidence in Him knowing He is here with me - He has not abandoned me yet and He's not going to walk out today! I will turn my thoughts away from the weight of the day and toward His ever abiding presence. My meditations will be on the truth that of all the things He created - He chose to live in us. It is His choice to be with us - He's not forced to walk alongside us - He is here of His own free will. We are here of His own free will. And today I will let His word comfort me. I'll stand and say - Not today to giving up on His mercies, Not today to giving up trusting Him, Not today to waiting for Him and resting in Him. Will you join me in saying "Not today" as we continue to rest in Him and trust Him for just one more day?