Showing posts with label caregiver's cave. Show all posts
Showing posts with label caregiver's cave. Show all posts

Ups and Downs

 

Chris looking at his medal after our 5K

Maybe it's just "that time of year" for me, but I've struggled a lot the last few weeks. I still affectionately call it the caregiver's fog. Lol. Okay, maybe it's not-so-affectionately. I know I can share my true feelings with you guys because you get it. You understand the day-to-day grind of caregiving. The military has a saying about there being no easy day. I think we live in that reality. It's just not easy caring for another whole person, is it?

Caregiving presents many difficulties. We can find ourselves alone, so very alone on this journey. It doesn't just go away. We don't just work through it. It seems to go on and on. There are lots of ups and downs - and that can be about every 90 seconds some days. Right? (smile!) As I've been working through this emotional maze the last few days, I turned my thoughts to Daniel. Let's take a realistic look at his circumstances because as we read his story in the Bible, we tend to glamorize it.

Daniel was a youth when the life he knew was stolen from him. He was taken captive - forced into slavery. He had to learn a whole new language and culture from the viewpoint of a slave. He was rendered unable to have children. He had no hope of a legacy. The normal dreams of a young man to marry the love of his life and have children were violently removed. He could have given up. But he didn't.

We see Daniel as a young man in the first part of the book, purposing in his heart to choose God. And we see him in the middle of the book determining to run to God in prayer - even if it meant his life. Finally, we see Daniel in the latter chapters seeking God. He was reading Jeremiah's writings even after 70 years as a slave in a foreign land. He continued to seek God through all the ups and downs of his life. 

We can do that too. Giving up isn't an option anymore. We are way too far into the journey for that! :-) I think we can learn something from Daniel. He purposed - he was determined - he was consistent - and he continued reading God's word. It all starts with being purposed to pursue God no matter what dream-suckers come our way in life. Daniel had the "right" to give up - but he chose to pursue God all the way through his life's bumpy journey.

Today, I will take a stand in my heart again. I'll declare that I will trust God through the ups and downs of each moment and each day. I'll move in a little closer to His heart so I can hear Him better. And I'll trust Him with one more day in the journey. Will you join me?


                                                                                                                                                                

Full Of It

 


This morning during my private devotions, I started studying 1 John to prepare for an upcoming live Zoom Bible study I'm hosting. (Let me know if you'd like a link to join!) I John is very connected to the gospel of John and I found myself reading the first chapter of this gospel over and over. It amazes me and pretty much blows my mind how God has orchestrated all this. Before He said, "Let there be light" He had already done everything. He'd already prepared the way for us to get back to Him, even before the fall happened in time. Jesus was crucified and raised to sit on the throne. Our sins were already forgiven before we ever even committed them. (We just need to accept His forgiveness.) 

So I'm reading through John chapter one with my mouth wide open in awe! My mind is running around crazy just thinking about all the wonderous works of God. The Word of God - His very breath become flesh and walked among man for a brief 33 years. In verse 14, it says He become human (NLT), lived on earth with us, and that He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. That can also be translated to grace and truth.

Does it not just blow your mind that God cares? He is eternal and time is such a small piece of eternity - yet that's where He chooses to meet us and walk with us. He's so much more than a "little-g" god. He desires intimacy with us. He wants to walk with us, to be with us. And when He is welcomed into our lives and He comes - He brings all He is with Him. Truth, forgiveness, light, understanding, comfort, peace, and of course - love. That just blows my mind.

It's amazing that He wants to walk through time with mankind, isn't it? But He's not limited to time like we are because eternity exists in Him. Time is but a small piece of eternity. Yet this eternal God of comfort, God of peace, God of grace, mercy, and truth - wants to be with us. And for mankind - that's great. But for the caregiver it's monumental. Because so many people don't want to be with us. No-fault - no blame - they don't know what to do with us. But God does.

He knows how to comfort us in ways beyond our understanding. He knows how to hold us, give us peace, and soothe us with His song. If we listen. Can you hear Him? Most of the time I can - unless caregiving gets too hectic! But He's always singing. Always comforting. Always pouring out His love on us.

Today, I will purposefully quiet my heart and listen for His song. I'll lean in a little closer to hear His heart as I tone down the crazy thoughts running through my heart and mind. I will purposefully look for His grace at work in my life today. And I will embrace His heart of comfort in the midst of the pain and grief that often accompanies caregiving. Will you join me?

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31 Days in Psalm 31 devotional book cover


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The Back of the Cave

 


This morning I let my mind and heart run around in Psalm 57 for a while. It's been a long-time favorite as I "found" it during one of the darkest storms of my life in 1986. I find myself going back there a lot. David penned this psalm while running for his life from Saul. He was hiding in a cave. Do you ever feel like you live in a cave as a caregiver? I know I did when I first brought Chris home. I found myself all alone almost all the time. 

What David did in the cave is an example for us all. He wasn't shy about expressing his emotions or concerns. But he also wasn't shy about declaring his faith and trust in God, even in the tough times. He declared from the back of the cave I will hide beneath the shadow of Your wings. I cry to God! I will sing Your praises. Be exalted O God above the heavens. Even while navigating a difficult time in his life, he put his trust in God. I think we do that a lot.

David also declared in verse 3 that God was going to send forth His unfailing love and faithfulness. David acted like he expected God's mercy, love, and faithfulness to overtake him right there in the dark cave. Why not? Right? What a rescuer of our souls! Even the darkest, dankest cave can't prevent God's mercy and love from reaching us! You'll never hear God say, O, it's too dark in there. He will never say He's afraid to pursue our hearts with His love! I love that about God. He just walks right into the middle of whatever mess the day, week, month, or years have caused and brings His mercy, peace, faithfulness, and love with Him!

Today, I will declare from the back of the cave that I will trust in His unfailing love and faithfulness. Today, I will praise Him because He will not abandon us to our own messes! Today, I will praise Him for bringing me joy in the midst of the pain, light in the darkest night, and peace in troublesome times. Isn't He wonderful? (Even in the back of the cave?) I declare that today I will trust Him for my very life and sanity as I trust Him to carry me for one more day. Will you join me?

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31 Days in Psalm 31 devotional book cover


Check out my bookstores. I have eBook devotionals, Bible study guides, poetry, and more in my Dove's Fire Ministries bookstore. My Amazon bookshelf has a couple of those in print or on Kindle. My devotional 31 Days in Psalm 31 is all about seeking God from the cave! Check it out!


How Long?

Chris looking a bit ornery

Do you ever feel like you've reached the end of what you can do? It may stem from pure exhaustion, but it feels like it's a "that's it" moment. It feels like God doesn't hear. It feels like He has moved away. There are just those times of overwhelm. Or maybe it's just me. I do think that the psalmist was feeling these types of emotions when he penned Psalm 13.

It's not clear what type(s) of circumstances David was facing, but his emotions are clear. His soul is crying out for God to intervene. In the New Living Translation, Psalm 13 reads this way:

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?

How long will you look the other way?

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

with sorrow in my heart every day?

How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

Restore the light to my eyes, or I will die.

Don't let my enemies gloat, saying, "We have defeated him!"

Don't let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I will trust in your unfailing love,

I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

I will sing to the Lord because He has been good to me. 

I love the way that David emptied out his soul before God with transparency and his honest, raw, and real emotions. But he didn't leave it at that. He usually makes his declarations. He laid it all out there- and then said what he was going to do. In this psalm, he said he would trust, rejoice, and sing even though he was feeling down, forsaken, and on the brink of defeat. 

As I was thinking about this psalm and my own feelings were running crazy in my head, I started with David's declarations and then penned this poem.

But I will trust in Your unfailing love,

I will rejoice because You have rescued me.

I will sing of Your goodness...

Those are my declarations

I will sing from my cave

The pit will hear my heart cry out

to the God who hears.


I will rejoice in His goodness

and when the enemy surrounds,

I'll sing from behind the fears.


I will trust God in the pain

and when my heart is overwhelmed

I'll cling to Him through the tears.


For He is still my God

in the good and the bad

I know at my cry He comes near.

Today, I'll make these declarations once again. I will trust, I will rejoice, I will sing. I'm finding declarations to provide a powerful shift in my attitude. (And I need help with that!) Just saying them out loud helps me refocus on Him and His mercy and grace. Will you join me today in declaring our trust in Him once again?

Cause and Effect

 


We learned about cause and effect in elementary school. As life progressed, we learned it from life lessons. If I don't pay my electric bill - they will shut it off. You know? In scripture, there are lots of examples too. But I want to look at the other side of this coin. 

When the king had Daniel thrown into the den of hungry lions, the effect was supposed to be his death. But God had other plans. He disrupted the cause-and-effect system of man with His own plan. In Jeremiah, God foretold the Babylonian captivity. Then He explained that He had thoughts of peace, and not evil, to give you a future and a hope. He explained that His cause and effect system works like this - you call on Me - I answer. Period. I like that. Sometimes we can get pushed so far back into the caregiver's cave that things like hope, a future, and peace are hardly discerned. The Enemy likes it that way. But God offers hope on top of hope.

Life can throw us some curveballs and caregiving isn't for the faint of heart. We can find ourselves comfortable in the back of the cave. But God's hope disrupts the "natural" flow of what life sets up. You see, the enemy of our soul would like for us to give up there. The devil would like for our caves to destroy us. But God has other plans.

What was supposed to destroy us - birthed us anew.

What was supposed to crush us - squeezed out hope.

What was supposed to steal our peace - brought great joy.

What was meant to be our tomb - has become a womb where we're being formed and birthed into His image.

So what life caused - hasn't had the expected effect. Here we are still seeking God. Still trusting Him. Still waiting on Him. Still getting our strength from Him. Still resting in Him. It's a great place to be. Life's crushing blows can cause His healing, peace, and anointing to flow when I yield it all to Him.

Today, I'll meditate on His plans for me. I'll turn my thoughts to the presence of His peace and how He has stayed in the cave with me until I was ready to come out. My meditation will be on His sustaining power and how He turns the things that were supposed to cause harm - into healing and joy. I will be grateful that God disrupts this world's cause and effect system and turns it to be for us a hope and a future. I'll crawl up in His lap today and let His peace reign even in the cave. Will you join me?


                                                                                                                                                                 



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True Confidence

 


Do you ever have those mornings where you know you have a ton of things lined out to do but you just want to stay under the warm covers a little while longer? Most days, we just can't. Personally, I always regret it later in the day when I don't get as much done as I wanted to. But that is nonetheless where I was this morning. 

Usually, I get up and put on coffee and let it make while I change Chris and bolus him some water. Then, I crawl back into bed with my coffee cup and Bible in hand. Sometimes, I wish I had the choice to sit there all day. But my coffee would run out. And then there's that there is just too much that has to be done - and I'm the only one to do it. lol

While sitting there this morning, I felt my emotions try to take the dive into the caregiver's abyss. The fog was trying to overtake me. But I just don't have time for it today. Like you - I probably just need a day off. But of course, they don't happen. And their rarity is even rarer since the pandemic.

So I sat with my Bible and my coffee looking for a bit of comfort and some scriptures on peace to share in my Facebook live morning devotions. You know, when I purpose to dive into the Word, I am never disappointed. That's one thing I love about God and His Word - He meets me where I am. He is not afraid to walk right into my chaos and infuse His peace. He doesn't give me a checklist to complete before He does it either. I'm afraid I'd never get there if He did that! lol

I ended up my studies this morning in a favorite passage. It's Isaiah 30:15-18. The first part is what stood out to me because it's what I needed most. The prophet Isaiah says, In returning and rest you shall be saved; In quietness and confidence shall be your strength. Well, immediately I knew this confidence was not in myself. It's a confidence that is put in God that gives us the strength to face one more day. 

I'm fairly confident I'm going to make it through today - I've made it through many other days that looked a lot rougher than today, that's for sure. But I have not - and will not- make it through in my own strength. I'm very aware that He carries me at least half the time. That's where my quiet confidence rests.

Today, I will quietly trust Him to get me from daylight to dark with emotions, mental health, and body intact. As I move through this day, I will remind myself that He is my confidence. He is my strength. My thoughts will be on how I can trust Him with even more of the pieces of my heart. I'll let Him carry me through today. I know He will - that's confidence! Will you be in His arms with me today?


No Get Out of Jail Free Cards?

 


Do you ever feel like life just doesn't let up? Sometimes it seems like caregivers should get some sort of exempt card. You know? Something that lets us stay in the cave without having to deal with all the craziness that's going on in the world. Well, it was just a thought. I guess there are no "get out of jail free cards" in life.

A pandemic rages on and we didn't get an exempt card, did we? Political and civil unrest didn't qualify us for one either. We have to deal with all the craziness in the world plus our caregiving responsibilities. Isn't caregiving enough? Dealing with aids who don't show, people and family who do not know how to help so they avoid us, and the traffic of health care professionals of all sorts is enough for any given day. Yet it happens over and over again. How do we stay sane? 

Caregivers are resilient - we just keep going. Every night I go to bed feeling like I failed. I didn't get enough done. It's easy to focus on the things I didn't get done each day and see those as failures, instead of focusing on the fact that I just keep going and I just keep trying. Each morning I get up with a renewed dedication to try harder to accomplish more. But there are so many hours in each day and only so much energy in the tank, you know? lol

Over and over I find myself relying on God. Isaiah said Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. (Isaiah 40:31) Maybe that's what we feel each morning when we get up ready to give it a go again. David said the Lord will give strength to His people; He will bless His people with peace. (Psalm 29:11) I personally have no doubt that it is God who empowers me to get up each morning and give it another go. How about you?

Our lives require it. Whether we slept or not, eat or not, have time to grab a shower or not - we're like the energizer bunny - we just keep going and going. But for those of us who are believers, there's no doubt that God is our energy source.

Today, I'm going to thank Him for always being there to empower me to make the day - and the long nights. I'll thank Him for continuing to strengthen me and keep me going when I don't even know how I'm doing it. lol My meditations will be on receiving His strength for today's journey. And I'll accept His peace and rest in Him as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

The Seeker

 

chris with eli

This morning I found myself reading in Ezekiel. Although I love the OT prophets and read them often, I must admit I had no inspiration and my Bible literally opened to it and I began reading. I am so glad I did. God was warning the people of Israel and giving Ezekiel a rundown on the true state of their hearts in chapter 33. Then He begins to talk about the shepherds who were supposed to be caring for the sheep but were instead taking care of their own needs and scattering the sheep. Even some of the sheep were being inconsiderate and unkind to other sheep.

God was not too happy with the "fat sheep" who had gotten that way by pushing other sheep out of the way. They crowded their way to a "blessing." He said He would judge between the sheep and the shepherd as well as between sheep and other sheep. Why? He's the seeker.

So for the sheep suffering from neglect from the shepherds and bullying of other sheep - God said He would step in. He said He'd make sure they were no longer a prey - that they had what they needed. And Ezekial ends chapter 34 with this: you are my flock, the sheep of my pasture. You are my people, and I am your God.

There's no mention of them seeking God during their struggles. Ezekiel said nothing about them crying out in their pain, or praying for deliverance. They may have - I know I have! But what I saw in this was God seeing the need, seeing the hurting, seeing the hungry, seeing the whole picture, and then seeking out His own.

I'm His own too. And so are you.

As caregivers, we can be operating under a load others simply do not understand and many just don't want to see. Life gets ugly sometimes and doesn't go as planned. But God continues to seek His own. He will seek for us until He finds us. Then He provides peace, comfort, sustenance, and acceptance.

While we understand we are rewarded with His presence when we seek Him - in this scenario He becomes the seeker - and He's looking for US! Jeremiah says when we seek Him - He will be found by us. Can we do the same? Can we let Him find us in our pain, in our aloneness, in the darkest emotional cave of our lives? He wants us. He is looking for us. And He won't stop until He finds us.

Today, I purpose to be found by Him. I'll step out of the dark recesses of the cave I've been hiding in and I'll let Him see the ugly of life. I'll let Him see my tear-stained face and bloody torn heart. I'll rest in His arms as He bandages the wounds, wipes the tears from my face, and holds me close to His heart. Will you join me? He's looking for us.

The Corona Virus and Faith


No matter what you believe about the Corona Virus and the “pandemic” declared by WHO, it’s a concerning situation. While the virus itself doesn’t pose much threat to the general public, and recovery is expected, to those most vulnerable among us, it can be fatal. That puts a bit of stress on us as caregivers as we strive to take the necessary precautions to try and shield those we care for from exposure.


Where do we run in times like these? As a caregiver fear knocks at my heart’s door. I want to batten down the hatches, spray everyone with disinfectants and move further back in the caregiver’s cave. The social isolation of being quarantined isn’t scary – many of us have been living like that for years. I discussed this in another blog I maintain by stating, Welcome to My World.

We hold on to faith every day as caregivers. It takes faith most days for us to continue living and moving forward. But add something like this crazy virus on top and we have to dig down just a little deeper. I’ve watched Christians on social media platforms plea the blood and quote scriptures declaring it won’t come nigh their dwelling. But over the last few years of caregiving, I’ve learned that faith isn’t so much keeping horrible things at bay – instead, it’s what carries us through them.

One of my favorite scriptures comes to mind, and I’ve seen it quoted a lot lately. David talks about abiding in the shelter of God and how God is our refuge. We don’t need a refuge if there isn’t a storm. Some of the phrases I’m seeing pulled out of context in this psalm are:

He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
And from pestilence,
It shall not come near you….
No evil shall befall you nor any plague come near your dwelling…

I love to claim these too. But there really is a catch. First off, we must admit there is a fowler’s snare, pestilence, plague, arrows flying, and destruction. It exists and we are not exempt as much as we’d like to think so. Now, don’t get me wrong, one thing I’ve learned as a caregiver is how He continues to watch over us and walk with us through things. Daniel didn’t get an exemption card – he faced the lion’s den. David faced Goliath. The three Hebrew children walked through that fire. Jesus faced the cross. There is no exemption – only deliverance.

Think for a second about the writer of this psalm. David ran for years from Saul. He hid in caves and ran for his life. His son, Absalom killed his brother Amnon. Then, later on, Absalom was killed. David lost two sons. He knew heartache. After his sin with Bathsheba, he lost a baby son. He knew God didn’t keep all bad things from happening. But here in this “protective” psalm, we try to quote like it’s an enchantment or incantation,  David stresses that God is our shelter – we don’t need shelter if nothing is happening to us. I don’t hide under an umbrella if there’s no rain. There is no running to the storm shelter if there isn’t a storm.

God does not promise a free ticket and exemption from problems. What He does promise is that He will never leave us. He does promise to be faithful. He promises to keep our souls in the midst of the storm. There is no promise that the storm won’t come – but rather the calm assurance that He’ll keep us in and through it.

I will take the necessary precautions to protect my son from the Coronavirus and the flu. I will pray that he nor anyone in this household gets it. But whether we face it or not – I will trust God to carry me through.

Today, I will focus on God’s faithfulness. My meditation will be on how He remains calm in the craziest times. I’ll turn my thoughts to the fact that whether we see uncertain days or not – He will remain with me. He will walk each day with me. And today, I’ll be grateful for His presence and His beyond-our-understanding peace in the midst of chaos and craziness. I’ll trust Him – for today, for tomorrow, and forever. Will you join me?

A Tender Chain Breaker

Yesterday, while I was out on a run, I had some music playing. I don't recall which artist or song it was but at some point in the song it referred to God as the "chain breaker." I have a very vivid imagination, and I could see His huge, very strong hands breaking a thick chain. For a little bit, I thought about the strength it would take for hands to break chains. But then another pictorial thought entered my mind.

I thought of these two same huge, strong hands. But instead of a display of raw strength, it was with great tenderness they picked up the pieces of my broken heart. The contrasting image moved me in a strange way. God is big enough and bad enough (even without our help) to break off the chains that bind us. In one motion, He can crush them with His powerful hands and set our hearts and souls free from bondage.

Yet at the same time, His strong hands can tenderly, gingerly, with compassion and love, pick up the pieces of a broken heart to bring comfort and peace. In Psalm 34:18, David says the Lord is near those who have a broken heart and saves such as have a contrite spirit. I found all this very comforting this morning.

I'm glad He doesn't look at our brokenness with disdain. He doesn't say - you are too messed up for me to help. He tenderly, in His strength, gathers up our brokenness and speaks peace, grace, and healing to every single part. This is a great comfort to me as it's easy for caregivers to feel like they are living a life of shards with no complete pieces. There's not always a social outlet and we can become captives in our own minds. God can break that off even if we live in a caregiver's cave and minister to our hearts. If we let Him.

Today, I will focus on being moldable in His hands. My meditations will be on His tenderness toward us and how He cares about all the broken pieces we call "life." He's not scared of it. He won't run away. He's walking through the fire with us. My thoughts will turn into thankful ones as I meditate on His faithfulness and His tenderness and love. And then - I will trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Thoughts of Peace

To be honest, I'd pretty much dismissed the promise so many claim out of Jeremiah 29:11. I'd wondered how that particular verse could possibly be applicable to the caregiving situation. When I'd see it or hear it quoted, I just didn't think I could apply it. It's easy to get tucked away in our caregiver's cave and seriously think there are a few scriptures or passages that do not apply to us. But this morning as I was reading through this chapter I realized something I'd been missing.

I went back up to the first part of the chapter. Jeremiah starts out explaining who he was sending the letter to the remainder of the elders who were carried away captive - to the priests, the prophets, and all the people Nebuchadnezzar had carried away captive from Jerusalem to Babylon. So, I read the chapter again with new eyes.

Jeremiah first offered some instruction for those in captivity. Sometimes, caregiving can seem like captivity. We cannot always go places we'd like to go or do things we like to do. Even simple things like getting groceries, coffee with friends, or going to a movie just can't happen. If we are able to get out, it's not as simple or spontaneous as just jumping in the car. It can be pretty complicated. It's easy to feel confined.

Here's what Jeremiah told those who had been carried away into their captivity. He said:


  • take wives - get married
  • have children
  • let your kids get married
  • increase and not decrease 
  • seek the peace of the city
  • pray for your city
  • know the true word of the Lord
These sum up what Jeremiah told the captives in verses 5-9. I think these are great instructions for any situation that feels binding or constraining. One of my first prayers was that I would not become bitter. I could see myself writing books from life's prison cell. It can be so easy to withdraw and feel like we don't have a place or a piece. But we do - we should spiritually increase even in the midst of the storm. Let caregiving drive you to the throne and become more intimate with God. Spiritually, we can increase right where we are.

I must say now that I can hold on to the promise I once discarded. He does have good thoughts toward me. He still promises me a future and a hope - caregiving didn't steal that promise. It may look a LOT different than I thought it would - but His promises still stand. Increase is still possible even in the most difficult situations. 

Today, I will be thankful for this renewed promise. I'll meditate on His promise of hope and peace. My thoughts and prayers will be toward wisdom to know how to increase (spiritually) in the midst of the storm. I'll turn my thoughts to how I can pursue and maintain His peace in my heart no matter what is going on around me. And I will be content in Him as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Everything is Everything

Do you ever feel like life has sort of passed you by? I talked about how I sometimes feel politely ignored in another post. Maybe you feel like you drew the proverbial short stick. Maybe it's just me - but I had so many dreams and plans that were jerked out from under me with that one phone call. It can feel like no one really understands what we are going through, not that they are expected to. The caregiver's cave becomes an alone place - but a safe place for us.

I was thinking along these lines this morning and a verse came to mind. It took me a few minutes to find it as it's not really a super familiar one, to me anyway. It's in Exodus12:40-42. The New Living Translation reads this way:  The people of Israel had lived in Egypt for 430 years. In fact, it was on the last day of the 430th year that all the Lord's forces left the land. This night has been reserved by the Lord to bring his people out of the land of Egypt...

What stood out to me was that the days were numbered. God knew the exact time when they went into captivity and the exact day they were freed. God knew that it was the last day of year 430. That just sort of blows my mind. If He had their days numbered so much as to reserve a specific day to bring them out - He must be familiar with our cave-dwelling days too!

Nothing escapes His view. He sees when we are weak, overwhelmed, or discouraged. He also sees when we feel in control, are strong, or just okay. There isn't anything that escapes His notice. He is aware when we are rejoicing in small victories as well as when we feel defeated and overcome. Somehow I found it comforting that He doesn't miss a thing. He sees everything. He knows where we are no matter how far back into the cave we crawl...He knows the day, the hour, the minute and seconds we fail to trust Him - or choose to trust Him. and like the Children of Israel - He is keeping watch over us and keeping count.

Today, I will meditate on how He truly does know everything - every emotion, every thought, every fear...and still hears my cry and comes to my aid. My thoughts will be on His ever-abiding presence as I trust Him to carry me through the emotions of this day. Will you join me?

You Are Valued

As caregivers, there can be a lot of things we struggle with, things that are often difficult to talk about. It can be hard to know where to put our emotions. We oftentimes feel like we cannot share what's really going on in our heads because our thoughts are so well, all over the place. (Maybe that's just me!)

Lately, I've settled a few issues with my own heart and begun to sing again. That's huge. You know how I love the caregiver's cave. We can all get comfortable there, can't we? There are two things that pulled me out of the musicless part of the cave. One, I found my grandmother's handwritten music scores from the '40s in some of my aunt's things. Secondly, we had to move her piano to our house. It's in the living room... in my face all day long begging to be played. When everyone is gone but Chris and me - I play my heart out and lift up my voice to Him once again. It's been refreshing. I like it now because it's personal, just between me and Him - no one needs to hear. Freeing, really. I can sing any song I want without a list and I can sing every song as long as I want. No one to complain. You sang that last Sunday.  No one to say, don't sing so many new songs.  Or the flip side of that - why don't you sing songs you wrote. lol

Over the weekend though, my thoughts went exploring. You see, I got value from being on a praise team and for being a lead worshipper. I had value in the church for teaching Sunday School classes, doing children's ministry and being a youth pastor. I was a busy ant BC. (Before Caregiving.) And when all that was lost, I started to feel like I didn't have value in the body. Nothing could be further from the truth.

As caregivers, we often feel un-valued. No one seems to care about us and we are left alone to struggle through the day-to-days. For many of us, our time, efforts, energy, and life are consumed with taking care of someone who cannot care for themselves. Love keeps us by their side just like it kept Jesus on the cross.  Yet we (maybe I should just say "I") can feel like we are not playing a role in the "church" of today. How can we have value in His sight by doing what we do? I'm so glad you asked - because He values the caregiver. How do I know? Well, I did a little studying early this morning and came up with a couple of verses.

In Matthew 23:11, Jesus says But the greatest among you shall be your servant. Too often, this is interpreted as working in the "church." But since the church as we know it hadn't even been born yet, that couldn't be all He meant.

I also returned to the story of the sheep and the goats in Matthew 25. It's a great chapter and I read it often. Jesus is explaining what He expects of "sheep." Verse 40 says to the extent you did it to the least of these brothers of Mine, even to the least of them, you did it to Me. That's pretty insightful because we take care of the "least among us." The ones who are ignored when they go in public because people are not sure how to interact with them. The ones who fall through the cracks in the medical system because they aren't "worth saving." The ones who can't walk, talk, or play a direct role in society although they shape it indirectly, don't they?

He gives us value. We are still worth dying for. He still loves the caregiver. So, today, I'm going to turn my thoughts to how He loves us just like we love those we care for. I'll meditate on how He laid down His life for me - and how I lay mine down to be a caregiver. My thoughts will be on His great love for us. We are not excluded - we are included and precious in the Kingdom of God - we look a lot like Him, if you ask me! And with those thoughts, I'll rest in Him. I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Where'd you leave it?

If anyone understands the busy-ness of a caregiver's world, it's other caregivers. Using the word busy is possibly an understatement. We certainly have our hands full, all four of them. lol. I remind myself of this as I try to return to being more regular with this blog.

The move is behind us, my aunt is in an assisted living facility. So now I am a full-time caregiver for my son as well as a long-distance caregiver for my aunt. These are two very different dynamics. But we press on.

I've struggled with feelings of inadequacies and learned that sometimes I really can't do it all. Evidently, I misplaced my cape. Smile so did you, Superman!

The last few days I've been in prayer about the "call" God placed on my life. I have struggled so much with what I thought that was going to look like. Finally, I just put in His hands and asked Him to tell me what to do. So, this morning when I opened my Bible to Isaiah 49 I found myself.

Isaiah starts this chapter out talking about his personal call. He is rehearsing what God told him. He said to me, "You are my servant..." Isaiah reminds himself that God called him before birth (v.1), in the womb, He called my name he says in the first verse of this chapter. But how he digressed from the calm assurance of the call in verse one to verse four where he says, But my work all seems so useless. I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose at all. I have so felt that way about the things God put on my heart to do - caregiving came on me quickly and I felt like so many things were left hanging. Life sometimes feels useless when we hide too deeply in the caregiver's cave. We can wrestle with feelings of inadequacy, insignificance, and unfulfillment.

The good thing is that Isaiah then gives us a "but." He says, but I leave it all in the Lord's hands; I will trust God for my reward. For me, this means putting it all back in God's hands - all those feelings of loss and the grief over what could-have-been; and finding that place of simply trusting Him again.

Instead of leaving grief, sadness, and loss sitting in our hearts to drag us down, let's put it all in His hands today. That's the place I'd come to over the last few days - I gave it all back to Him and let go of it all. My prayer was more - You do what You want with me, the call, my life - I'll just obey, and sit back and watch.

Today, I'm putting it all in His hands. I'll turn my thoughts and prayers toward hearing His heart beat for me. I want to hear that over any noise in my busy world. My intention is to leave it all with Him and move out of the way to see how He will bring His plan to pass in my life. Maybe I can't see it - but it's not about making it happen. It's more about leaving it in His hands and watching it happen. I'll leave it all with Him and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Peeking Out of the Cave

Do you feel like you are in a constant state of change? Sometimes I am afraid to put my feet down so to speak, as everything is bound to be different before I get them settled. Today will be different too, as each day is unique and yet redundant at the same time.

We do the same caregiving tasks over and over, day after day. Today, though I have the promise of an aide. And now that I have settled in to an aide-less routine, that means changing it all up again. It sounds silly and like it wouldn't matter, but it really does change a lot.

For instance, I want to make sure our laundry is sorted out because when aides are not coming regularly I do some of it together. I also have to get Chris fed, bathed or up (depending on his sleeping schedule) before the aide comes - or figure out when it fits in. I pretty much have to change the way I do my mornings since I have word he's really going to come. (His boss told him if he didn't show up today, she'd restaff him. Why she didn't say that to the one who is supposed to come 3 days a week I have no idea.) I'm trying not to get too excited about maybe getting to run outside or go grab a few groceries because you never really know.

I'm thinking it would be really nice if people just did their jobs. But today I'm wondering if that's just a bit much to ask. I really feel like aides, and maybe even others, don't really know their value. Maybe they think it's just a "job." They don't understand the break they can give us or how much it helps for them to tackle some of our daily chores. They just want to get their paycheck. But that is not in any way a demonstration of their true value.

When it comes to relieving the caregiver, a good aide is invaluable. They don't seem to get that. Even doing a couple loads of laundry, vacuuming or sitting with my son for a few minutes so I can run is worth more than anyone can pay. Especially if I get to run out and be free for a few minutes! They are not here long and I have to balance it all with work so I often have to choose between getting some errands done or going for a run. I also have to do everything with one eye on the watch because I have to be time conscious. But it can make or break my day. They don't understand the value in that.

As I am thinking about aides and how they can really make a difference for caregivers if they put just a little heart into it, I wonder if we underestimate our value to God, and to others for that matter. We can feel cut off and separate from society like we live in a cave with no real value to give. Ah, yes the caregiver's cave. It can be a humble, but safe place to be.  It can also be lonely and dark sometimes. And when we do dare to peek out - it looks so different out there.

Our days, our jobs, our lives can look so different, in fact that it's much easier to stay tucked inside rather than venture out to see what our lives appear to be lacking. I have to guard my attitude sometimes because I hear people outside my cave whining about what I consider a simple matter - an outside the cave matter. Looking at life out there can make me feel more alone - more separated, and of less value. But this is simply not true.

We are the apple of His eye - of great value. God didn't take anything back from us as His children because we became caregivers. Every single promise still holds true. We are still in the beloved, His son still died for us, we are still the righteousness of God in Christ. He still calls us His own. And the list could go on and on. We are still part of His greatest treasure.

Today, I am going to think about how valuable I am to God, even if I don't feel like it. Life may discard us - but He does not. I'll turn my thoughts to His great love for us - even caregivers - and aides. I'll meditate on the value He must place on us. I'll think about what it means to be His prized possession or to be precious in His sight. And that should fill my mind up today - as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Whether or Not You "Need" It

The last few days have been more hectic than usual around my house. I've had friends and family in and out to celebrate my birthday in one way or another. It's been a wonderful weekend and I'm all birthday-ed out. As we go into a new week, I think about how I'll deal with the alone-ness that is surely to creep back up on me.

I think one of the things we have to deal with as caregivers is being alone. As a single caregiver, I can spend a lot of time all alone and since my son is non-verbal I used to go days without even hearing other's voices except on TV.

Thankfully, my online jobs have changed that and I see and talk to people via video calls frequently. I have also had my health coaching classes I watch via video. It's certainly not as good as in-person, real discussions - but it's been better than nothing. Oddly enough, sometimes if I have a lot of outside contact now - I actually deal with over stimulation. I have to chuckle at that, but it's true. When you live in a caregiver's cave the world can be an overwhelming place.

The good thing is that I've had a wonderful few days filled with phone calls, visits and even an outing. But now we are back to the grind. I'm already feeling like I'm in back to the cave mode as I adjust to the many hours alone once again. It was a nice break.

So what's a caregiver to do as the solitude threatens to swallow them up? For me, I'll slide right back into that place I've found in Him. In Psalm 73:28, the psalmist said this But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do. (NLT)

The caregiving journey is similar to any other journey through time - we have the choice whether or not we make Him our shelter. On the rough days I am certainly glad to run to Him and hide from the harshness caregiving can dish out. On the nicer days, I still need the calm of being in His presence and letting Him shelter me.

Today I will be meditating on how He is the ever-present shelter. He protects my spirit and soul from being overcome by the complicated daily routine of caregiving, even when I'm overwhelmed. I will make Him my shelter today (and everyday), and any chance I get to tell someone about how His grace sustains me on this journey - is going to get an earful. But I am going to start with myself. Yes, today I will remind myself of how He has been carrying me for this 8 year (so far) journey. And I will tell myself how He will carry me for another day today. I will rest in him one more day - will you join me?

Beyond the Cave

As I was going about my early morning routine of making coffee, bolusing and changing my son etc. I just felt heavy. Over the last few weeks I've been toying with the idea of getting rid of stuff... my house is so full. I do think this is a factor. I simply have too much to keep up with. As I walked through the apartment with one eye open (this is BC - before coffee), I thought of how I need to just go through and get rid of stuff. Lots of stuff.

As I walked through my living room, my medal rack caught my eye and I though about how I carry as little as possible with me when I run. I strip down to shorts and a light t-shirt, put my phone in an arm band to keep my hands free, and wear a small runner's belt to hold my keys. I do not wear long pants even when it's cold. And if it is chilly out, I still wear as little as possible because I don't want anything to weight me down.

With a big sigh, I wondered if I got rid of stuff in my life that was weighing me down, could I run the race of life more easily? Hebrews 12:1 immediately came to mind. The writer says: let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. and let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

Once I got my coffee and sat down, I looked it up and read through the chapter. I'm so thankful God continues to show us new stuff when we read His word. He didn't exempt us from learning more about Him and His ways when we became a caregiver, did He?

When I got to verse 12 I read and then reread it. It says this: So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs.  Boy, did I need to hear that this morning! But then, something else caught my attention. The next verse starts out with then those who follow you...

Now I am really focused. You see, the chapter starts out with us running because there is a crowd of witnesses who have already walked the life of faith cheering us on. We are looking at Christ - the author and finisher of our faith, being cheered on by the stories and lives of those who have walked it before... all because there are more folks coming up behind us who need to see examples of His work in our lives.

We can't stop. We can't quit. No matter how difficult life is, how weak we feel, how encumbered we feel - there's more reasons than ourselves to keep on going. They did it - we are doing it - so others can do it too. It can be so easy to get wrapped up in our own little caregiver's cave we forget about others and their struggle.

So today, I'm going to take these weak, tired hands and get a good grip on Him one more time. I'll pull myself up on my tired, shaky legs so I can continue to walk this walk of trusting Him. My thoughts will be on how He empowers me to walk the walk of faith. Those before me have clung to Him with all their strength and I will too! Today I will cling to Him with everything I have and I will keep my focus on His faithfulness. I will trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Outside the Cave

It seemed as though Philippians 2 was written just for me this morning even though Paul penned it years ago to Christians in very different circumstances. I found a few nuggets to think about today, and a couple of them stung just a bit.

I ended up thinking about verse 1 a lot more than the others because these can be very real questions for the caregiver. The NLT reads Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? any fellowship together in the Spirit?  And Paul goes on to talk to the believers at Philippi asking them why they are not getting along.

While my focus isn't on getting along with other believers, I did think about these questions as a caregiver. Obviously, believing in Him hasn't kept difficult times from visiting. Knowing Him didn't "protect" us from being caregivers, and it didn't keep us from having to face some very difficult situations in life. Just think about Job - his faith didn't protect him from terrible things happening; but it did carry him through it.

So, we may still be asking if there is comfort and encouragement in Him. I have to say, "Yes!" He may even pour out a little bit more on us caregivers from time to time, knowing that it takes a bit more for us to make it through - and that is His ultimate goal. We don't get to escape caregiving, losses, or the grief that might be accompanying it for many - but He will walk us through it.

Paul goes on in this verse to ask the Philippians if they have fellowship. And if they are tenderhearted and sympathetic with each other. I can say I've found most caregivers to be very sympathetic. Why wouldn't we be? We get it. We understand each other's struggles most of the time and are familiar with the heart wrenching duties as well as the intense blessings that come with taking care of a loved one.

But what Paul says later on in verses 3 and 4 stuck out to me today. The NLT says Don't be selfish; don't live to make a good impression on others. Be humble; thinking of others better than yourself. Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. Is he serious? I have enough going on - enough of my own concerns; like making it through the day with my sanity in tact!

It can be so "easy" to withdraw into our caregiver's cave and forget about the rest of the world. We really do have enough on our plate to take care of - but let's not get absorbed into our own world and forget there are other hurting people out there, other caregivers out there. There's lots of other people out there who are hurting. Can you think of one? Pray for them today.

Today I'm going to be aware that I am not alone in my pain. I will make a list of those I know of who are hurting and pray for them specifically today. I'll think about how He comforts me in my pain, how He encourages me to keep the faith; and I'll pray that they experience his comfort, encouragement and peace today too. Will you join me in this venture out of the cave?

When Nothing Changes

This morning my devotions led me to Psalm 104. It's been a long time favorite of mine so I read through it slowly and tried to let some of it just sink in. I'm a huge nature buff - or at least was BC (before caregiving) so I love the description of nature and creation. My mind really gets going when I go through all the different ways He provides for animals - and for us.

One of my favorite verses is 19, the New Living says this: You made the moon to mark the seasons and the sun knows when to set. The sun never reaches high noon and then forgets which way to go! The things He set in order - are still working perfectly today.

As a caregiver, sometimes remembering these seemingly little things helps, and sometimes it doesn't. Change is a big part of the world, of nature, of caregiving. But it's not always those things that change that bothers us - it's the things that don't. For the most part our day-to-days don't change a lot; it's always chaotic. We get up and it's not really a new day - it's more like another day. These are the things I was thinking about while reading Psalms this morning.

When I got to the last three verses, I took time to really think about them. Verses 34 and 35 say this:

I will sing to the Lord as long as I live
I will praise my God to my last breath!
May He be pleased by all these thoughts about Him,
for I rejoice in the Lord. (NLT)

When my son was first injured, it's an understatement to say my world got turned upside down. But even during the 3+ weeks I spent living in the ICU waiting room - I knew God had not changed. Even though my heart was in turmoil and I was going to face a re-defining of my faith over the next few years - I knew my circumstances didn't dictate a thing to God. No trauma, problem, battle or life circumstance has any control over Him and nothing knocks Him off His throne. He remains sovereign when life doesn't make sense - and when absolutely nothing changes when we pray.

I want to be able to say I sang to the Lord from the back of the cave! I want to be able to say I praised Him until I drew my last breath - no matter what happens in between drawing the first and the last breaths. And I hope He is pleased with my thoughts. To be realistic - I am sure He is not. I've doubted, pouted, cried, cussed, ranted and raved. And He's been big enough to handle it. He didn't get His feelings hurt and walk away. He didn't throw His hands up in total exasperation. He just sits on His throne - unmoved.

Today I am going to think about how He remains calm, stable, and steady in the midst of my storm. My meditations will be on how nothing can budge Him. Whether life changes in an instant - with one phone call - or if it doesn't change at all no matter how hard we pray- He doesn't change - He is still on the throne. That's what I'll be thinking about today - I hope it pleases Him. And I hope you'll join me.

I Can Work with That

In many instances, caregivers can feel out of touch or out of sync with the "real" world simply because most of our lives are lived in a cave. We can tend to be on either side of the spectrum. One, we are trapped there; or two, we feel safer in our caregiver's cave even though we are alone. Personally, there have been periods of time when I didn't have the capability to get out and there have been times I've preferred being tucked away in mu cave. But God's word does not know any boundaries whether they exist only in our mind, or if they are an invisible barrier we put up ourselves.

God can reach all the way into the depths of despair. He can see past the walls we build to keep ourselves in, and others out. His love can reach all the way into our life-mangled hearts.

In Colossians 1:5-6, Paul is speaking to the Christian believers when he says that the Word of God bears fruit from the time we first hear it. And guess what! His word does not stop bearing fruit in us when we become a caregiver. It is constantly bearing fruit and is displayed in our lives as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, ,goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galations 5:22-23)

Once we allow His word to gain entrance into our hearts, it is always at work in us no matter what our circumstances are. He never says, "This is too much for me to handle" or "I can't work with that." Instead He draws near to those with a broken heart and says, "I can work with that." It's simply up to us to yield to the Word's work in our lives.

Today I will yield my heart to the work of the Word in me. I will embrace the changes His ever abiding presence brings to my heart and life. My meditations will be on allowing God in my space so that He can continue to work to bring forth fruit in my heart and life. Will you join me?


The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...