But as you fellow caregivers know, that's not always an option. Things just have to be done. They can't be put off, can't wait for another day - each day is laden with tons of things that simply have to get done when you are providing total care for another whole person.
My early morning routine looks something like this:
- Hit the snooze (repeat 5-6 times)
- Hit the button on the baby monitor to see if Chris is awake yet
- Stumble to the kitchen to put on coffee
- Get Chris' bolus together
- Push the button on the coffee pot
- Open the other eye
- Change and bolus Chris
- Stumble back to the kitchen to pour my coffee
- Drag myself, my laptop and my Bible and my coffee back to bed
- Sip coffee, open my Bible and sigh
That's pretty much every morning. Today I have lots of thoughts running through my head as it's Chris' 33 birthday. Never dreamed this is where we'd be. He's supposed to be married, working as a successful musician, living his dreams and making babies. His friends are.
Instead he's lying in a bed waiting on me for his every need.
So I was looking for something solid to stand on today. Quite honestly, I'll probably try to just get lost in my work today so I don't have to think about it too much. I might need to be carried a bit today but I'll try to stay focused. I opened the Word and started reading a passage or two I've been wanting to look back at and then I thought of a verse the verse that is going to be my anchor for today.
Psalm 119:50 came to mind - I hadn't thought of it in a long time, and it just welled up inside me. David said this: It is my comfort in my affliction that Your word has revived me! The old KJV says Your word has quickened me. I must say it is a comfort to know his word still works. Even when I'm not sure what to read - what verse to cling to for the day - once I find a truth that puts something sometimes anything inside me - I won't let go. It comforts me to know that His word still works in the midst of the furnace. The fires can burn away the chaff - but they can't burn away His truth which continues to carry my heart.
So today I say Not Today! Today is NOT the day I will give up though my heart is heavy. Today is NOT the day I quit though I am tired. Today is NOT the day His word fails to comfort me. Today is NOT the day He stops carrying me. Today is NOT the day I throw in the towel. Today is NOT the day He will leave me all alone. It's NOT the day He shrugs His shoulders unsure of what to do. Today is NOT the day He quits comforting me. Today is NOT the day I stop trusting Him. Not today.
Today will be the day I continue to put my confidence in Him knowing He is here with me - He has not abandoned me yet and He's not going to walk out today! I will turn my thoughts away from the weight of the day and toward His ever abiding presence. My meditations will be on the truth that of all the things He created - He chose to live in us. It is His choice to be with us - He's not forced to walk alongside us - He is here of His own free will. We are here of His own free will. And today I will let His word comfort me. I'll stand and say - Not today to giving up on His mercies, Not today to giving up trusting Him, Not today to waiting for Him and resting in Him. Will you join me in saying "Not today" as we continue to rest in Him and trust Him for just one more day?
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