Shifting Sands

This morning, I am tired. I know the day has not even started but I've already sighed three times. Just knowing all that will need to be done today makes me weary. It's really not an unusual day, just another day.

Caregiving has to be one of the craziest things I've ever done, and I've done some crazy things - and had some extreme jobs. One just really has no idea what to expect on any given day. Like yesterday with no warning the company showed up with my son's new bed. I had no idea he was coming (what happened to common courtesy?), but here he stood acting shocked that the old bed was still standing in the place the new bed belonged. I just looked at him in the same shock. How was I supposed to know he was coming if he didn't call? (smh)

He said, "We can set up the new bed but we aren't allowed to move the old one. It's company policy." I said, "Well, had I known you were coming, I'd have had this one moved out of the way. So why don't you just stand right there while I get this old one out of the way?" I began grabbing pieces and trying to figure out how to disassemble the old bed. I guess he either had a bit of compassion for an old lady - or figured it was going to take me all day because he helped take it apart and move it out to make room for the new bed.

Not only was the new bed a surprise delivery, but of course the aid hasn't been showing up. Something about needing fingerprints and he can't work until he gets them. But instead of sending someone in his place, I just get to guess everyday whether he's coming or not. Either I start all his tasks in the morning and leave him with nothing to do but sit here for 4 hours in the afternoon, or I let stuff sit until time for him to get here and then do them when he doesn't show up.... can't seem to win so I give up.

I also went ahead and ordered supplies that I've gone without for months. A box of syringes for tube feeding, about $10. For some reason they can't seem to get an approval. Now I'm told NOT to order stuff that it's coming - but where are these people when I run out of supplies? So I had to stop everything yesterday and order a few things. I'm tired of waiting.

And this is just some of the simple struggles of one day. Who knows what today will bring? Meals to be delivered, old bed to be picked up and taken to someone who needed it - probably be another crazy, unpredictable day around here. It would be so easy to slide into "victim" mode. I could whine and cry and worry about poor me. But I'd have to wipe my tears and figure it all out anyway, right? I think I'll skip that part.

We are put into such an emotional situation. We know we are told we aren't supposed to let this all make us hard, stubborn or recluse, right? But it can all pile up until we are emotionally spent - and it's all over these little things, not even the big stuff. It seems like it can chip away until there's just nothing left. What's a caregiver to do?

What we've always done. Run to Him. Leave it there and roll up our sleeves and get back in the game. Exhausting though it may be - it's our only choice. That or giving up. (Not today!) So I remind myself of a few scriptures to help me focus. First, I think of how it says David encouraged himself in the Lord. Now I know why he did that - who else was going to do it, right? (lol) I'll let you listen in on my pep talk.

I will bring all my cares to the Lord - for He cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)
I will let my requests be known to Him - for His peace will guard my heart. (Philippians 4:6,7)
I will draw near to Him - for that's when He draws near to me. (James4:8)

Today, I'm going to try my best to focus on Him instead of the situation. That's difficult when the "situation" is looming and right in your face, isn't it? But I refuse to cave in. I refuse to shift my focus off of Him and to the struggle. My hands may be weary - but today I will lift them to Him. I will remind myself that He is still my God. He is still with me. He is still my provider. And He still cares for me. And with those thoughts I am ready to take on one more day resting and trusting in Him. Will you join me?