Showing posts with label abandonment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abandonment. Show all posts

Who Am I Really?


It's so easy to get lost in the shuffle. We don't have to go through the list of all the things we have to do in a day, or the numerous people who come through weekly to check on our loved one, or the paperwork we have to keep up with - all to provide proper care. But most of these activities are based around the one we are caring for - not around us.

My "love language" is time. If you spend time with me I feel loved. You can lavish gifts on me  (not that anyone has tried that recently! lol) and I won't necessarily be able to translate that as love. But spend time with me and I will feel like you care.

The social isolation of caregiving and the always feeling like you're out of step with normal can start to wear on you. Lately, I'm so much more comfortable with caregiving - and not struggling as much about going into public places. I guess that happens when you don't have an aide for an extended period of time and you just have to adjust. I also nearly ran out of coffee - that'll get you out of the house. ;-)

But over the weekend, I had to do some thinking and dealing with the feelings of rejection. It can be easy to feel like life itself has rejected us - like we don't really belong anywhere. It's not true - but it can feel that way. To be honest, even small things like aides not showing up can wear away at one's self-worth. The one aide needs to get fingerprints. This is his second week to not work and for me it sends the message we are not worth his time to go get that done. And of course the company doesn't offer a fill-in. This and many other things can wear away at one's self-worth.

Last week I was dealing with this issue, actually caused by another event and I felt myself slipping into the abyss. Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, and aloneness tried to weigh me down. I started rehearsing some of the scriptures that reminded me of how much He loves me - no matter what life looks like or if I have to do it alone.

I compiled the list and labeled the file Come Away my Beloved. Because the truth is that we are His beloved - no matter what our lives look like to us or to others. Whether we are a sole caregiver or actually have some help, whether we can attend church or can't get out much at all. It doesn't matter we are still His beloved. That's who we really are and it doesn't change, period.

Today I am going to focus on the truth that I am His beloved child. My thoughts will be on His acceptance of me - just.the.way.I.am. I will turn my meditations to how much He loves me and cares for me in this life I am living for Him. I'll rest in His love for today. Will you join me?

He Never Gives Up

As a caregiver, emotions can be all over the place. I find that one second I'm feeling okay about everything, I have a positive outlook and I am ready to take on the world. The next second for no apparent reason, I'm upset, mad at the world and ready to call it quits. On everything. One second I'm in love with God and so thankful that He continues to strengthen me to do what I need to do; the next second I'm angry with Him for letting this happen. This can all be in a matter of a few minutes, or seconds depending on the day.

But you know what? None of that scares God off. As to this date, He has never thrown up His hands, said I can't deal with this anymore and walked away. People have told me that "not everyone can handle a large dose of you." Seriously - I was told that, by my mentor. Add things like that to living a life so totally different from the rest of the world and it's easy to have an identity crisis.

One thing that caregivers have to deal with and face is the fact that not everyone can make the journey with us. And for me, my heart hurts for my son too. Why? Because friends can only be friends if nothing changes. On one hand - it's totally understandable - he can no longer "contribute" to the relationship, right? He can't laugh, play, tell jokes, make his deeply philosophical statements anymore. So there's nothing.

For the caregiver, our lives are different than everyone else's too. Maybe we can or can't freely do things the rest of the world does - and many walk away. Or my favorite - they watch our lives from a distance, totally disconnected.

On both counts there can be such a sense of abandonment and alone-ness that swallows us up whole. It's not an easy journey to make alone, or with someone else.

I say all this to share a scripture that came to mind this morning during my devotions. I actually was looking at Joshua 1:8 about being of good courage. I read it in my NASB, then looked it up in the Message. And here is what I found a few verses back:

I won't give up on you;
I won't leave you. (v.6)
Strength! Courage! 
Don't be timid; don't get discouraged.
God, your God is with you every step of the way. (v. 9)

While this whole passage spoke deeply to me this morning - that one phrase I won't give up on you is what really got my attention. No matter who observes from a distance, because they don't know what to do if they get closer; no matter who walks away from us or our situation - for whatever reason - God will not give up on us!  He is in it for the long haul; and that is exactly what I needed to hear this morning.

Today I'm going to meditate on His determination to be with me on this journey. I'll think about how He does not get too frustrated at me, never throws up His hands and never quits because I'm too much for Him to handle. My thoughts will be on how He is pleased with me, loves me and carries me even when I am being stubborn and resistant to His grace. He patiently waits for me to settle back down and come back to Him for peace. Today - I will be re-positioning myself in His lap; and settling in His embrace. Will you join me?

Never say "Never"

I've always heard that we should never say "never." I guess that's basically because we really never know what a day may hold. But last night while I was reading, I came across this scripture in Psalm 8. Verses 9 and 10 say this: The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord have never abandoned anyone who searches for you. (NLT) If anyone can use the term "never" it'd be Him!

Far too many times I have heard stories of caregivers who feel that their family and friends have abandoned them. On one hand, I really do understand that for the most part, people do not know what to do with us. We cannot always "get out" like others and when we do not fit the mold of the world, and sadly the church, we can be abandoned. Isn't it comforting to know that He will  never abandon us?

I love the passage in Isaiah 43 which says: When you go through deep waters and great trouble I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God. (NLT) He did not say we would avoid going through difficulties - but He did say we can walk through them and He will not abandon us.

It's far too easy for people to just walk away from uncomfortable situations today. That can leave the caregiver hanging in social isolation. But today, I will turn my thoughts and meditations to how He will never abandon me. I'll meditate on how He is a present help in trouble. Not necessarily a rescuer from trouble - but one who is with me no matter how rough or smooth the road lays out before me. I'll meditate on His ever abiding presence. Will you join me?

Social Isolation

One of the things I hear a lot about is social isolation. Most caregivers become such under varying circumstances for me it started with an automobile accident followed by a hospital stay. At first the SICU waiting room was filled with concerned people. As the usual "custom" visitors began to dwindle when it turned into a 4 month hospital stay; and dwindled even more as we moved to the first nursing home. By the time we moved to our first apartment visitors were pretty much nonexistent. This is typically how it goes and it's not that people do not care, it's just that they went on with their lives and somehow had the illusion that since you are "home" yours sort of went on too. That's just the way it is.. no blame.

 Caregiving can end up being a lonely place - but you eventually adjust to this social isolation and it finally becomes the norm.  As a general rule, caregivers do not have the freedom that many others have. They cannot decide on the spur of the moment to go see a movie, go to lunch with friends or grab a cup of coffee with someone. Many cannot even take care of personal errands except when an aide is present. Even if our loved one is mobile it is not so easy to just jump and run to buy necessities. It all has to be carefully planned out and it greatly involved depending on the mobility level of our loved one. All of this can lead to a feeling of abandonment. 

When we feel like the world has kept turning and left us sitting still we can consider this scripture in Psalm 27:9-10. The psalmist prays: Do not hide yourself from me. Do not reject your servant in anger. You have always been my helper. Don't leave me now; don't abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.

I am guessing that David had moments he felt isolated from the rest of the world. He was basically running and hiding from Saul who wanted to kill him. I'm sure there were some lonely moments in some dark caves while he was hidden away that he felt abandoned. But he encouraged himself in the Lord more than once! In this psalm he goes on to talk about seeing the Lord's goodness in the land of the living. And then he makes this statement seemingly to himself in verse 14: wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. (NLT)

Today I will turn my focus to the Lord who will never abandon - never leave me alone. I will meditate on these two phrases from this psalm: you have always been my helper and  the Lord will hold me close. This will by my meditation for the day - will you join me?

Transparent Faith

I love the raw honesty of some Psalms. And Psalm 13 is just that; the psalmist David is just pure and honest with his feelings before God. I had a friend one time who couldn't understand how I could express my frustrations with God to God. I had two points to make about it: One - He already knows; and two He is big enough to handle it!

And this raw transparency is what I find in Psalm 13. It seems that David vacillates between total frustration with the situations in his life and his pure trust of the Lord. Did you ever feel that way? One moment I find myself singing all the woe is me  songs and the very next rejoicing in His faithfulness!

 David begins Psalm 13 by sharing his overwhelming feelings of abandonment by God. Of course that's one of those forbidden topics in the church...but it is  a real feeling sometimes. But we, just like David, will work our way through it and find faith once again. In the final verses of the psalm David is resting in the lovingkindness of the Father once again. And in the very last phrase he states that he will sing to the Lord because of His dealings.

 Today I think I will make this my choice as well. I will turn my thoughts to His faithfulness, His provision, His lovingkindness and grace...and I will sing!

Point of View

I was reading Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest  this morning. One of the subjects that he returns to a lot is abandonment to God. He speaks openly and honestly about this reckless abandonment to Him, total surrender. Honestly, the first thing that went through my mind was from here? Life as a caregiver hasn't too much left to give up sometimes! But then I realized we are really in the perfect spot to give it all to Him.

 Not one of our Bible heroes lived in ideal conditions. Joseph was in prison, Daniel was a captive, Jesus was born while kings were killing babies and beheading prophets. Even the early church thrived under much severe persecution! Why should the requirements change just because of our situations? No matter where we are in this journey of life we can give ourselves to Him. 

 We can give in to our circumstances so easily; I mean, face it - it's tough! There is not one thing that is easy or comfortable about being a caregiver...all the more reason to press into Him. In some ways it's such an opportunity to abandon to Him. Those who cannot attend church are actually in a great place to not be bound by the rigors of religion. There is no one to perform for! We are free to be totally hidden in Him.

 I have found this journey a little lighter when I look at it in this way. I can be hidden in Him without being hampered by religious obligations. I am free to live in Him because it's just me and Him - no need to worry about any one else's opinion! (they aren't here to judge!) I am free to give Him my all...no matter how small it seems it's still my all. Chose to live free today!

The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...