The Caregiver's Fog

I know all the true caregivers out there no exactly what I mean by the caregiver's fog. It usually descends slowly and overcomes you until you cannot find a way out. But you're already suffocating before you realize how bad it is. Well, that's where I have been. I hate it when I do not get on here to do a devotion - but there are days I just can't find one and I am not going to throw some empty words out here --that helps no one~!

 Sometimes, crawling out is as easy as opening up the Bible and letting His word wash it all away. But then there are those times when opening the Word actually adds frustration. You see the miracles He performed and wonder why you didn't get one. Or read scriptures about His great deliverance from Egypt and just scratch your head... sometimes I really cannot see for the fog.

 But every time He comes through. I don't really know what His big fog-blow-awayer looks like... but it can come in the form of a phone call or card from a friend. Or maybe it's a song I hear online. Who can describe His ways... but He finally gets through to me every single time! Then I am washed away in His love and watchful care once again....

 I am so glad that He is big enough to handle my faltering, faithless heart. Hudson Taylor said when we feel faithless, rely on Him - for He is faith-full. There are those times He must have the faith for me! Let Him carry you through today...

How Big is Your Shovel?

I was reading Psalm 88 this morning. This particular psalm is how I sound some days - hopeless! It is strange how it is comforting to find out that someone else has the same questions, the same lost feelings, and the same hopelessness that I have experienced! They seem to be digging around in my hole! lol! He is speaking of things like being full of trouble, living in the pit, and how afflicting life can be. I have those days too! Those are the days where I don't feel like my shovel is big enough - or that I cannot find enough fill dirt to fill the hole in!

 Isn't it odd that this Psalm is even in the Bible? It's not uplifting at all except to know that someone else did experience the deep questions about pains and life without receiving any answers either! lol! Why was it included? It is not an encouraging Psalm at all. And as I was reading it this morning I kept looking for the but.. but I will sing, but I will praise or something like that. And it's just not there! I had a good eye roll planned for it too - I'm sure you never have any days you feel that one!

So I began to realize once again that I must dig myself out of the caregiver's fog...so I started looking for my "shovel." And ever so slowly I had to write the rest of this psalm myself...I will sing...don't feel like it...I will praise...cannot argue with His worthiness...I will rejoice...in what?

I cannot tell you how many times I have to go back to the basics to get out of the pit. I start here: God is. Some days that is enough, others it is not. But to stop and embrace the fact - the truth - that He just is - is a great place to start. God is love, God is faithful, God is supreme, God is smarter than me!!! And there I  can relax...peace in the knowing - even when absolutely nothing makes sense - He is. I can live on that today!!

What I Need to Hear

When I am preparing to do a devotion for caregivers a lot of times I ask myself what do I need to hear today? It helps me at least find a starting place most of the time. And to be honest right now, I just need to hear that God is somewhere...hopefully nearer than I feel! Did you ever feel that way, or is it just me?

 This of course is where faith steps in and won't let us believe anything except that He is near. It's so ingrained in us that we know that's the right answer whether we feel  it or not! And it may not look like it to anyone else - but isn't that what true faith is all about...believing is the substance of the things we cannot see...or feel...or sense! But it even goes beyond the shallow religious teachings...because He is not just here to see to it that we attend church! He is with us on the journey. If God doesn't live outside the walls of the church then the caregiver is without hope for our daily lives....and beyond!

 The hope He gives cannot just be just for the hereafter either...what good does that do us when we are trying to live today with His strength? The thing to grab hold to here is that He is God throughout time. He's been the same God to all who have chosen to serve Him from the beginning; and He will continue to be the same until the end of time...simply walking through time with us.

The faith part is knowing that He is there even if you cannot feel He's there....so today look around you. There's evidence somewhere! Let Him show you today how close He really is!!

What About the Cave?

This morning I was reading through some of Psalm 18 and how David had triumphed over his enemies. To be quite honest, I wasn't feeling it. So I thought to myself No, I need to read the one he wrote in the cave. So I turned over to Psalm 57. It's the one David wrote while he was hiding in the cave while Saul was pursuing him.

 He starts the Psalm out with a prayer asking for God's mercy and then a declaration immediately following. The soon-to-be king cries out to God and says Have mercy on me O God, have mercy on me! He had to be in anguish. Here God had told him he was to be king, and he could battle Saul and rightfully take the position according to the culture of the day. But he (rightly) chose not to lift his hand against Saul...to run instead. And now, he's in the cave...waiting...

 But immediately following his anguished prayer for God's mercy he makes his personal declaration: I look to You for protection. I will hide beneath the shadow of Your Wings until this violent storm is past.

 Here David is, hiding in a cave; waiting on the promise of God to come to fulfillment. He's waiting on a dream to manifest...but with one breath he's crying out for the mercy of God and with the next declaring He will wait on Him! Do you ever feel that way? I do. One minute I am standing at the door of the cave, praying and asking for His help; and the next I am cowered down in the back of the cave just hiding out. In just a matter of a few seconds I can go to fully trusting...to shaking...and back. I'm thinking it's just part of the journey.

David goes ahead and declares God's faithfulness, and His promises. So wherever you are in "the cave" today, whether you are cowering in the back just trying to make another day or standing in the door boldly, declare His words, declare His promises...and then declare the I wills of David:

I will waken the dawn with my song

I will thank you Lord

I will sing your praises

 

Healing Rest

Early in the mornings I go in and feed my son through his peg tube, change him and get him comfortable. Shortly after that he usually goes off into a deep sleep; a restful sleep. I checked on him just before starting to write this morning and he was out! I thought, he's getting good, restful sleep...healing rest. I figure that when he is sleeping real good and letting his mind and body rest that he is healing. We know rest and healing are connected.

 What does that mean to the caregiver? Because as a caregiver, we have pain every day. It never real goes away because we are dealing with a stressful, painful situation all the time; so it hurts all the time. We see our loved one not able to function fully on their own and to need help with simple, daily living skills. They are not who they were and in my case I grieve a lot over the loss of my son - even though he is still here. Yet he's not still here - not like he was. And as we walk out each day, each step along the way can be filled with pain.

 So as I watched my son sleeping (parents never tire of watching their kids sleep do they?) and was thinking about how rest brings healing, I though about the times I can press through the pain and truly find rest in Him. Those are the times He can heal our broken hearts...but only when we can quiet our souls and minds (sometimes it's more difficult to quiet the soul than the mind...) and truly rest in Him can we find the healing we need. And we must do it every day. Because we hurt every day - and we need His touch every single day.

So find a moment today somewhere, somehow...to rest your soul in His. Let Him wipe away the moment's pain...it will return...but He can handle it! Keep resting in Him....

Expectations

Things do not always work out as we expect them to. Seriously, who ever planned on being a full time caregiver to a loved one? We obviously had  much different expectations for our lives. Perhaps we expected to travel the world (my own personal one...), or get married again (NOT on my list), lose ourselves in an enjoyable career, or serve in a local community or church. No matter where we thought we were going with life, I think it is a safe assumption that it has not turned out like we expected.

This morning I was reading in Hebrews again (I haven't strayed too far away from it yet), and read this verse in chapter 8.(NLT) When I took them by the hand and led them out of the land of Egypt. In context, God is speaking of the Children of Israel and how He rescued them out of Egypt's cruel slavery. But as He took them out of Egypt the first thing they ran into was a road block that looked like the Red Sea. I really do not think that this is what they expected to happen as He was rescuing them from Egypt...do you?

 Here they are sandwiched nicely between the Red Sea in front of them, and Pharaoh's army pressing in from behind. Do you think this was what they were expecting? Did it look like a great rescue from there I wonder? And we haven't even mentioned that He led them from Egypt to the wilderness! They had to scratch their heads much of the time and wonder what God was up to and where had His promises gone...

I know as a caregiver I have has similar  thoughts as where I am does not look like the expectations I had for this phase of my life. This can be very disappointing - just like the Children of Israel may have been disappointed to see the many miles of wilderness stretch out before them when they were expecting a promised land.

But I am thinking that when God was getting ready to do something big He always provided a wilderness first. He spoke to Moses in the wilderness when He sent Him to get His people. Ezekiel it seems was always dragged off to the wilderness to hear God's voice; and Jesus went to the wilderness to fast and be tempted before He came out with His public ministry...So I am thinking...maybe we are not in as bad of a place as we thought...today I will purpose to hear from Him in my wilderness...how will you spend your wilderness today caregivers?

Not Far Away

I have stumbled over this scripture now for the last two days. I was reading in Hebrews yesterday and it caught my attention. Then this morning when I got my coffee and opened my Bible it just fell open to the same scripture in Jeremiah. Which one am I talking about? The one that says this:

For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel...

I will put My laws into their minds

and I will write them on their hearts

And I will be their God 

and they shall be My people...

 Hebrews 8:10 is a direct quote from Jeremiah 31:33. I figured since I kept stumbling across it I should camp there a little bit and meditate. So I did. And in my meditations I realized that if He wrote His word in us - planted it there if you will, we only have to yield to it. How do I do that? Stop. Seriously, all we have to do is stop our heads from running around in circles, get a grip and listen to Him. Be still and know that I am God comes to mind as does The word of God is nigh thee even in your mouth and heart...

 My conclusion then? He is never far away. No matter how I am feeling on any given day. And it only takes a few minutes to open the word and refresh what He's put inside of us. And really another comforting thing to me is that my loved one though not really who he was - has the word written on his heart as well, he is a believer...and still is. It was not the spirit of the one we care for that was damaged - it's their body. God's word is still written on their heart...and will always be. Not sure how - but I find this a comforting thought.