Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts

Everyone Wants the "W"

Chris standing in his Top Gun shirt

 Caregiving is a journey on a road that has many hills and valleys. Some parts of the journey can seem like the hills and valleys are all bumped up next to each other, and there are no breaks in between. This is a pretty accurate description of one day. Sometimes, it explains the emotions of an hour. And sometimes, even less time can occur between the highs and lows. Highs and lows for caregivers can be in so many areas, and even all at the same time. Wins and losses all add up and we just hope that at the end of the day we are in the red emotionally.

No matter how the day's game plays out  - we all want the W in the end!

TheW, in sports terms, is the Win, ultimate victory! Everything doesn't have to run smoothly, and it doesn't have to be the greatest day ever - we just need to feel like we won the day as we crawl into bed each night.

When David was at Ziklag, he was in one of his lowest moments. He'd been rejected by the Philistine army, as the lead commander didn't trust David to fight for them against his own people. So, he and his army of 600 men went back to camp, only to find it all wiped out and all their loved ones carried away captive. 

Get this picture, now. All these Warriors are sitting around the burned-down city of Ziklag. They are all Weeping - big ole Warriors are Weeping or crying thier hearts out, because they are grieving over the loss. If they cried - I can cry too!

They were real Warriors with some serious Weapons. But David didn't gather the troops and head them right into battle. He Waited. First off, David encouraged himself in God's ability - not in his own. Then he asked God for Wisdom. David was an experienced, effective Warrior, yet he Waited for God's Word before he headed off to fight a battle. Once God promised the Win, David and his 600 men headed out.

How many times do we forget the Waiting part? I hurry about my day, because, quite honestly, as you know, there is a LOT to do! But the true Wins come in the Waiting.

Today, I purpose to wait on God instead of running through my tasks. I'll take the time to ask Him for Wisdom and I'll Wait for His answers. I'll Wait for His strength to carry me through the day, no matter what. The true W - Win, comes in the Waiting. Will you wait with me today?



                                                                                                                                           


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Invisible

 


Do you ever feel invisible as a caregiver? Pain is invisible. Grief is invisible. Our tears are usually invisible to others too. I guess about the only time I don't feel as invisible is when I go to the store - then I feel like we stick out like a sore thumb. I push Chris in front and pull a cart behind like a slow-moving train through the store. Can't miss that now, can we? lol

Sometimes, people can't and don't want to imagine our pain. Maybe they can't fathom our living grief. Maybe for some, seeing us reminds them of their own pain or grief they don't know how to deal with. Since I am the aide now, I take Chris with me everywhere - even to my doctor's appointments. They "accommodate" him - but they do not speak to him - or ask about him in any way. Does that strike you as strange? Maybe it feels odd since my whole life is wrapped up in taking care of him. Idk.

But every once in a while, someone breaks from this silent norm and steps out of all our comfort zones. Two times this week (maybe just because we are out more now!) people have actually spoken to him. That should not be a huge occurrence, but it is. On Chris' birthday which went largely forgotten (or ignored), I took him to Braum's for ice cream as a birthday treat. An elderly lady started walking toward us. She walked up and pointed to Chris and said - "I can tell you are someone special." When I told her he was indeed and it was his birthday - she broke out singing "Happy Birthday." Thank God for this angel!

Yesterday, as we got in the elevator to leave the heart hospital, an elderly man spoke to Chris - "Hello, young man how are you?" he said. I awkwardly explained that Chris is non-verbal but he hears and understands well. The man made no more attempts at talking to him. But at least he said hi!

As invisible as I feel - I wonder if Chris, in his silence feels even more invisible. Someone in a caregiver's group this week said an injury or a condition doesn't prevent the heart from feeling love. As caregivers, our pain is deep. Our grief is numbing. But we still feel both ends of the emotional spectrum from rejection to love. 

We are not invisible to God. He sees us through and through. He feels our breath and senses every emotion, knows every thought, and perceives the depth of every single pain we sense. Sometimes, it feels so huge I can't even fathom that, but I'm thankful that He can see that deeply into emotions and feelings I don't even have words for.

Today, I will remind myself that we are not invisible to God. My thoughts will be on how He intentionally looks our way and how He purposefully touches those deep parts of our hearts. I'll be thankful that He draws near when I feel most broken. He soothes. He comforts. He heals hurts no one will ever know we have. Will you join me in thanking Him for that today?


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31 Days in Psalm 31 devotional book cover


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Got a Dump Truck?

me and chris at the park

Do you ever have those days where you feel like you have a dump truck full of emotions? You're just looking for someplace to back up to and dump it all out, right? Today, for whatever reason, I feel that way. My emotions are over the top and I just don't want to do anything - but I want to do everything - all at once. I'm guessing it's just part of the caregiver's fog. lol

What's awesome about God is my crazy thoughts and whirlwind emotions don't scare Him away. Unlike people, He won't avoid me when I'm running full throttle toward nothing in particular. Instead, He patiently waits until I'm ready to dump it all at His feet. Then, once I do - His peace will fill the void left behind.

But sometimes, it takes a long time to get to the place where you can pour out your heart before Him. (Psalm 62:8) Maybe it's because there aren't the exact words needed to express what we are feeling. Maybe there is just too much to put into a few words or sentences, or even paragraphs. And maybe sometimes, it's just that we can't put our finger on it - whatever it is. We are stuck.

Yet He waits patiently. He waits as the emotional dump truck becomes fuller and fuller and fuller. He waits as it begins to topple over the top of the rails and falls like tears to the ground. He waits until we can't bear it anymore... He waits for us to back that dump truck up and dump it all out at His feet. Maybe it's frustration. Perhaps it's fear. For some of us, it's overwhelm. For many, it's cares that get heavier and heavier.

No matter what it is for each of us - He is patient. He doesn't have a list of exclusions - you know - things He doesn't want to hear about. God doesn't ever say - I don't want to hear another word about it - He longs for us to be to the place where we can back that dump truck up and pour it all out. Even if we can't sort it all out - He can do it for us. He knows what goes where and welcomes our hearts in any shape. He's even glad we come.

Today, as I back this emotion-filled dump truck up to His feet and try to start dumping it out - I will be thankful that he listens. I'll be grateful that He wants it all - and doesn't want me to try to handle it all on my own. I'll try not to sort it all out before giving it to Him. Instead, I'll just hand it all to Him in one motion - and wait for His peace to take its place as I trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

A Mixed Bag

 

chris and I hanging out at Bluff Creek Park

Do you ever find yourself wondering about the benefits of social media? Personally, one of the positives is that it's helped us stay connected, sometimes in a weird sort of way, through the pandemic. I've connected with "long lost" family members and friends. But sometimes, aside from those and maybe a few more positives, I just look at the screen and shake my head a lot.

Do we all really need to see what you had for breakfast? So, you found a penny while you were on your walk, and? Mixed in with the wonderful photos of family, friends, and vacation excursions is a mix of what? posts. There are heavy posts and light posts; humorous posts and serious posts. Sometimes, I'm like - you really need a group just for that. They probably have that too.

Groups for those who grieve, sing, pray, share photos of specific regions, love animals and the list goes on and on and on. It really is a mixed bag, isn't it? 

Sometimes my heart feels like a social media posting wall. lol. One second I'm happy - the next I'm in deep grief. One minute I'm singing and the next I'm crying. One time I am praying, the next I'm thanking God for answers while forming my next prayer. Anybody relate?

Honestly, I can't always handle social media. There are days trauma rolls through the pages. Sometimes, it's just memories that haunt me. I have to find a reprieve. I wonder if our lives look sort of like a social media platform to God. He scrolls down through all our heart's posts looking for something of substance. While I know that's not really how it is - what I do know is that He can handle my mixed bag of emotions, crying, rejoicing, grieving, singing, praying, and thanking. Whatever I've got in my "bag" at any time will not overwhelm Him. He doesn't need to take a FaceBook break from me. I so love that He can handle whatever I'm dealing with any given second, no matter how random, how deep, how serious or silly, or how fleeting. He's got me right where I am mixed bag and all. The key though is letting Him have the bag!

Today, I'm going to open up my bag and pour it out before Him. I'll give it up to Him and let Him do the sorting out because I kinda tend to get lost in it sometimes. My grief, happiness, need, desire, longing, - anything and everything is His today. You wouldn't think He'd be that excited about such a mixed bag of stuff, would you? But He loves it when we bring it all to Him. I'm going to hand Him everything and the bag - and trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

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Primer on the Gifts of the Spirit bookcover
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The Great CoverUp

 

Chris and myself standing together

Each day brings a whole range of emotions for a caregiver. I don't want to brag but I can go from the epitome of cheer to the pits of despair in a matter of just a couple of seconds! I can be having a great day and happy to be alive and see a photo of one of Chris' friends on Facebook - and sadness overwhelms me as I wonder where he'd be and what he'd be doing if the wreck hadn't happened. Sometimes, good things cause sadness. Another example is when he makes progress. It's so exciting! But it's sad too that I am rejoicing that he took one step when it should be other things like getting married or pursuing his career in music. It's easy to paint over those emotions, isn't it?

Lately, I've discovered that I really enjoy painting. I've tried watercolor and like it. But I've done more with acrylics. There is something therapeutic about mixing colors and creating. I like some of my final products and I like some less. lol. But I never worry about making a mistake because I can just paint over it and start again. As I was thinking about a painting idea this morning that I really want to try, I thought I can't really mess it up  - I can paint over it.

In reality, I can paint over it. But the texture of what was will remain. It's just covered up. 

Sometimes, our emotions can be like the covered-over "mess-ups." We paint on a pretty smile to greet our loved ones, but underneath we know our hearts are still broken. Maybe we paint on a joyful attitude while we know our insides are still crying out. It's all still there - we just covered it up.

Here's the thing. God knows. And the best part is that He understands. He can look past our covered-up emotions and tears and see our true hearts. He sees and understands all the emotions mixed up together to make one new color of our lives. And He still extends His peace, love, and grace. He can see past whatever we used to cover over our emotions and feelings - He still knows what is underneath. And that's the part of us He wants to touch.

Today, I will think about how deeply He sees into my heart. I'm glad He does. I don't have to cover up anything - He knows it all and He still loves me and still wants to be with me. I'll be thankful today that He doesn't toss us to the side or say we "have too much baggage" for Him. Instead, He pulls up a seat beside us and just sits. I'll thank Him today for just being; for just being right here for whatever I face or feel. I'm just going to sit with Him today - because He's here. Will you join me?

four of my acrylic paintings

It's Okay to Ask

Sometimes, I am not sure what to do with such a wide range of emotions that are associated with caregiving. There is daily grief over what was, the shaded future, and what could have been. There's a sense of loss that is different for each caregiver. For me, it's the loss of my son although his body is still here. I also feel the loss of relationship with him and the future we were supposed to share as he matured, married and began a career and family. With my mom, it's a different loss due to her dementia. There is the loss of the relationship, as well as the loss of her memories of all the things we shared over the years. The grief, losses, and social isolation can chip away at my heart and soul as I fade into quietness.

As believers, how do we deal with these things? Where is that line of faith? We know all too well that there are no "Christmas Miracles" in real life. Not for us anyway. But that's a lot to carry, isn't it? It can be so difficult to navigate through a wide range of emotions on any given day.

I have to take my heart back to hope. Is there any? Sometimes, it really doesn't look like it - but there is always hope as long as we are breathing in and breathing out.to be honest, I'm not sure I always know what that hope looks or feels like. But since I've made it a practice to hide His word in my heart, my mind wanders over to Psalm 42.

The sons of Korah start the psalm out describing their deep desire for God. They call it a thirst - like the deer longs to be refreshed by the brooks. This first little bit has been used in worship choruses for years, but if you did a bit deeper into the psalm you find that they were trying to find God in dire circumstances, just like we do as caregivers sometimes.

The writers were seeking God in a hard circumstance, not worshipping Him in Sunday morning church. They share feelings of despair, feeling forgotten by God, and oppression of the enemy. For us, the enemy may look like brain injury, dementia, or something else. But our soul becomes disturbed (v.11) like the Sons of Korah.

But then they end the psalm in the most unusual way - with a declaration of trusting Him. They turn to ask themselves - why are you discouraged oh my soul? So, it must be okay to ask, right? I can't tell you how many times (every day) I've asked. And it's okay. Especially when it's followed with - I shall yet praise Him - the help of my countenance and my God. Still declaring in the midst of things so hard to understand - that He is still my God and I will continue to trust whether I can or cannot see.

Today, in the midst of pain, disappointment, and struggle I will declare - You O Lord are the help of my countenance - You lift me up! You are still my help and I will still trust You and praise You. Will you join me?

All In a Day's Work

 Caregivers are an amazing breed. That's been my experience anyway, with all the caregivers I've been privileged to meet. Daily tasks are quite difficult for most - no matter what level of caregiver you feel you are. Even long-distance caregiving has it's set of difficulties. Making choices for another person just isn't easy. Some days are so difficult just trying to decide whether Chris (my son with a TBI) would prefer to sit in his wheelchair, the recliner, or the rocker - can be so hard to decide.

For the most part, we just take those difficulties in stride. It's all in a day's work, isn't it? Then there are days like my Tuesday this week. You know those days - something gets chunked in the way to change up our already complex navigations. For me, this week, it was a major asthma attack. On top of that, I actually had plans for Tuesday night. I was supposed to teach a Bible Study class at the church we've started attending. Being type A - having made a plan I couldn't possibly fulfill is even more frustrating. But when urgent care came to the house and couldn't do a thing - the ER was the next logical step. But it's all in a day's work.

We loaded up and headed to the ER and were there until late evening. He's okay of course and they did let me bring him home even though they wanted to keep him overnight because of low oxygen levels. But it sure put a kink in things. How do we handle this sort of thing? It's emotional, it's frustrating, it's crippling - for me anyway. Maybe it's just me - but I am just now trying to make any plans at all. This is the reason I haven't for so long. They can get interrupted so easily and my fear is others will think I am unreliable - etc. (Type A - remember!)

But with it all - no matter what comes in a day we learn over time - as we stay sensitive to Him - to just let it go. I don't have to manage anyone else's emotions - mine are quite enough! lol. I can take all those emotions to Him and pour out my heart before Him (I was ready. I was excited!!!) and He understands. He knew beforehand. Didn't He?  It's okay to lay it all out before Him just like you see it - and let Him share with you how He sees it. How He sees you.

Today, I will purposefully give my emotions to Him. I'll ask Him how HE views me - not the church, not my friends, not my family - what does He see when He looks at my heart? I'll be content that He knows what a "day's work" is for me - how hard I try to keep it all together on every level - and I'll give it to Him one more time as I trust Him for one more day - because He is enough. Will you join me?

Just Keepin' it Honest

We seem to get used to the way the psalms are frank and honest about emotions and feelings. Somehow it's perfectly okay for a psalmist to say they were overwhelmed, feeling oppressed or forgotten and generally without hope. I find myself in the psalms a lot just because of the openness about emotions. But I really didn't expect it from Paul!
Over the weekend I read 2 Corinthians and just let it soak in. One thing that really stuck out this time was how open and honest Paul was about his feelings.

In the eighth verse of chapter one, Paul uses three phrases to describe their "affliction" while they were in Asia:

burdened excessively
beyond our strength
despaired even of life

While our days as caregivers are challenging, and that's putting it mildly - I don't normally have all three of these feelings at one time. Oh, trust me, there are those times when we are totally overwhelmed and we feel these three and can add some more to the list! 

I guess it just surprised me that God allowed this kind of language in the Bible. I am saying that facetiously of course as we actually see it throughout. It's just that the faith-ers have forbidden this kind of honesty about what we really  feel. We are not allowed to say these and others like what we see in the psalms particularly because it's a lack of faith. But somehow - lying about how we feel demonstrates faith? I get confused! lol

For over seven years now I've been riding the emotional roller coaster called Caregiving. I have learned the best way to battle all the crazy emotions is to be totally and brutally honest about how I really feel. I cannot deal with anything I will not acknowledge. It's not lack of faith to state how we feel on any given day - when presenting it to God - it's actually total trust. 

Most of us have encountered "church people" who condemn our thoughts - which we must often work through to find a resolve. We are not allowed to say things like:

I'm really discouraged right now
This is so frustrating
I'm so tired I can't even think
I feel hopeless 
I am at a loss
My life is a shambles
I can't go on...

There are so many things we really cannot express without having it thrown back in our face by people who don't even have a clue. And of course, some of our thoughts cannot be shared out of fear someone will think we are unable to take care of our loved ones. People might think we were really crazy if they heard all our thoughts - or maybe that's just me!

But here we have Paul just laying out there - open and honest about how he felt when they were in Asia. He goes on to thank the Corinthian saints for joining them and for helping them through prayers. I can say there have been times when I knew someone was praying for us and that was what was carrying me through. 

It's okay to say how we feel. I absolutely think God is okay with our honesty and despises our lack of it. His shoulders are big enough to carry our true thoughts and His heart is big enough to allow us to work through them as we figure out our own crazy emotions. And I really think He prefers an honest heart over one that is trying to hide its true feelings. Even Jesus said in Matthew 26:38 - My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; and in the next verse He said Father, if it is possible let this cup pass from me. It's no sin to be honest. It's a sign of absolute trust.

While we can't tell other people how we really feel, we can tell God. He does not condemn. He does not detest or despise us - He accepts us. I think He understands. And even though He doesn't always change the circumstances, He continues to walk with us through them. He continues to hold our hands and our hearts in His as we navigate our way through caregiving. 

Today I'm going to meditate on His total acceptance of who I am and where I am on this journey of life. My thoughts will be on the fact that He is with me - as crazy as I can be - and He's as committed to the journey as I am to the caregiving journey; and He's got no plans of leaving me...ever! I'm going to rest in the fact that He's content to stay by my side when many have walked away - and I'm just going to lean in to Him just a little closer today and let my heart rest in the fact that He's still there. Will you join me?










Are There Two of Me?

One of the things I've found caregivers must learn to deal with is the wide range of emotions. I'm not even talking about the "big stuff" like depression and the like. I'm talking about the day to day fluctuations of sadness to joy, contentment to unrest. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks they are emotionally schizo. One minute (or second depending on the day) I'm so happy and things are going well, and the next I've bottomed out and feel like a failure as a caregiver. On any given day emotions can vary greatly. My son does something new and I'm full of joy but then the next second I think that I should be celebrating his marriage or his first child instead of the fact he finally touched his nose. Is this just me? 

This morning in my daily reading of scriptures I found something of interest to me in Psalm 108.The first 5 verses or so David talks about how glorious God is. He seems to be full of praise and waiting for God's answer to his prayers. Then his tone changes; and the last three verses are quite different. Now the last verse was a popular song in the 70's church, We sang and sang about how valiant God is and how He was going to tread down our enemies. It was a fun, uplifting song. But this morning I noticed that just two verses back - David wasn't feeling it.

In verse 11, David feels as though God has rejected him. So in just a couple of verses, he goes from Where did you go, God?  to God is a valiant warrior who is treading down my enemy. And just for today - I could relate. One second I feel totally abandoned by God - left alone in this world to deal with a trying situation; and the next I know that it is God who is giving me strength to fight this battle and I can sing His praise. Sometimes I feel like there are two of me - two extremes - extreme despair all the way to extreme thankfulness... and you know what? It's okay. God gets me. And He is beside me as a valiant warrior to defeat my enemies (fear, doubt, confusion....)

So today I will meditate on the first 5 verses of this chapter. I will like David, determine to sing to the Lord and offer up praise - even if it is a sacrifice. I will sing of His loving kindness, mercy and truth. Those things don't change based on our circumstances.  I will exalt Him in my heart and let Him reign over my crazy feelings. Will you join me?

Reminders that Life is Fragile

As if caregiving by itself was not enough of a reminder of the fragility of life, there are plenty of new ones. Just Saturday I learned of three deaths. One was a long time family friend who actually named my daughter, another was a Facebook friend who brightened every day with humor, and the other was a local sportscaster tragically killed in an accident. These all left huge holes in my heart and reminded me that we cannot take a single day with our loved ones for granted.

As a caregiver, every day can be lived in pain - sometimes it's like everything hurts and even the small things are magnified. But when it's big things like watching your mom in the beginning stages of dementia or losing a close friend, it can be more difficult to handle.

Times are tough and emotions are high when you are a caregiver. Many days it takes everything we've got just to keep ourselves together to perform all the associated duties. Let one little (or big) unexpected thing happen and it can throw a wrench into everything and make it difficult to get gathered back up and composed. But yet, we do it again and again because life doesn't give any exemptions to caregivers. We have to keep on with our caregiving responsibilities and deal with the other things life wants to throw at us. Never mind considering our own frailty and fragility - but it is in the back of our mind. And life's reminders make me think of the fears I've shoved back where I don't have to think about them like what would happen to my son and parents if something happened to me?

2 Peter 1:3 tells us that He has given us everything we need for life and godliness. He fills us up with what we need to make another day. I think the trick is in acknowledging that life is fragile and so are we. That's the only way we can allow ourselves to become totally dependent on Him instead of on our own strength. We are caregivers - we know how to suck it up and keep moving. But we also know that if we don't do that - we might collapse into a bundle of nothingness. And just about the time we get it all together something like the sudden death of a friend or acquaintance knocks our props out from under us. It's actually the perfect set-up for us to remind ourselves that we must rely on Him instead of our own strength.

I will miss my friends, but I will remind myself that life is not a given. I know how just one phone call can change everything.

Today I will live with gratitude. I'll turn my thoughts to being thankful for my friends and family. My meditations will be on how I trust Him to give me everything needed to live life well and in Him. I will purposefully spend today thanking Him for the good things in life and shift my focus to the positives - and will not allow the negatives to steal from me today. I will turn my thoughts to His peace and comfort and allow them to rule in my heart and mind today. Will you join me?


Can You Find One?

I noticed something different starting with Psalm 144. David changes the tone and starts these last few pieces with praise. Before that, he started several of them with feelings of despair and cries for help. I will be the first to say that when trouble pops up I'm going to go straight to Him first, there's no other refuge or shelter to run to for me. For several psalms David has been asking for the Lord's help and for the last few he shifts his focus to praise.

As caregivers we have good and bad days inside our cave. Our emotions can run very high and swing from one end of the spectrum to the other in a matter of a few minutes. Some situations, like mine, we deal with a living grief. My son is gone, but he's still here. For many, it's not going to get any better and there is no relief in sight. This can make for a rocky emotional situation. If you are like me some days you can handle it fine; other days - we just won't talk about! Suffice it to say that our emotions can be all over the place!

If we, like David, can turn our focus to praising God even in our very difficult situations we can help ourselves out. I will be the first to admit that some days I just don't feel like it. Period. But if I can talk myself in to picking up the guitar and strumming a few chords and maybe singing something like Psalm 61 I can find myself resting in His arms and filled with praise. Psalm 61 is a prayer for help that goes like this:

Hear my cry, O God
Attend unto my prayer
From the ends of the earth will I cry unto You.
When my heart is overwhelmed
Please lead me to the rock
That is higher than I.
For You have been 
A shelter from the storm
A high tower from the enemy.

And just those few phrases can give us a place to start. Sometimes we have to purposefully look for something to praise Him for. Honestly, I've had days where I've been angry with God for not taking me out of the situation. But if I take the time to look hard enough and long enough - there's always  something to praise Him for. When I start my day off with praise it's going to go a lot smoother. 

Sometimes we can get bogged down and have to find a "praise spot" during the middle of the day too. On one hand it can seem difficult to find something in our situations to praise Him for. But I can always start with Psalm 61 and thank Him for always being present, for being a safe refuge to run to when I'm on overload and for sheltering me during the storm.

Today I will purposefully praise Him for just being God. I will turn my thoughts to His ever-abiding presence in my life and for always being there to run to. My meditation will be on how He is that rock that is bigger than me and my situation and I will praise Him. Will you join me?

Search Me O God

When my son was first injured and we were living in the hospital, I knew I had to find a way to get adequate exercise so I took up running. I thought it was an inexpensive sport that I could virtually do anywhere. It's been sort of a lifeline for me over the years. Running has become what I do to deal with the difficulty of caregiving. It helps me physically but it also helps me beat depression and clears my brain. It's really about the only thing I do, and the only reason I get out. 

Yesterday, I ran my 16th half marathon. I proudly added my finisher's medal to my overloaded rack on the wall. But I had something happen during my race that had to do with caregiving. As I neared mile 5 of the course there was a drumline playing. It totally caught me off guard. My son was the drum caption and the center snare for his college drumline before his accident. Seeing a drumline live brought back a flood of memories and I collapsed in tears. Eventually, I gathered myself and continued down the course to finish the race.

Things can be so much more than what we see and we never know what a person is dealing with on the inside. In Psalm 139, David talks about how God sees our insides. He knows our comings and our goings. Sometimes people are scared to see that deeply into another person; and sometimes we are too scared to let them look. But God sees past our fears, our emotions and the walls we build to keep others out. He sees what makes us tick. And He still hangs around!

I encourage you to take time to read this psalm today and think about how intimately God knows you. David says in the last two verses:
Search me O God and know my heart,
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me, 
And lead me in the way everlasting.

Our hearts are safe with God and He knows and understands everything we feel. He knows what makes us tick and He's not afraid to be close to us.

Today as I meditate on how He knows my thoughts, I will think about His closeness. My thoughts will be on His ever abiding presence and the fact that He is not afraid to continue to hang around even through life's storms. I'll think about how He loves me in the midst of the hurt and difficulties. And I will relax and let Him search my heart. He is safe, He cares. He loves.

Say What You Mean - Mean What you Say

If there is one thing I have learned since I became a caregiver it is to be open and honest with my feelings. I learned that God is big enough to handle my "real" feelings - there's no need to "protect" Him. People I had more difficulty with because you're never sure how someone is going to take what you say and how it's going to affect them. Over and over I've had people tell me that they appreciate the openness and transparency with which I write. But it didn't come easy for me. Maybe I just figured I didn't have anything to lose; or perhaps I just got too tired to filter everything any more. Who knows?

I've been open and honest with God for a lot longer since I figured He already knows what I really think, so why would I try to hide my emotions or thoughts from Him? But being open with people has been another story. I have trust issues for sure - and I'm not denying that. Actually, this openness that I am just discovering is something I've admired about David and the other psalmist. In too many instances, the "church" has directly or indirectly taught us that our emotions are a sin. I've been told, Don't say that  or even you shouldn't feel that way. What other way can I feel, but how I feel? (smile)

David doesn't seem at all worried about what people think about his feelings and emotions. He just lays it all out there before God and man. And David was a king - he was in the public eye which means that a whole lot more people actually cared what he thought. I think sometimes he seems ambiguous, or divided in his thoughts. For instance, in Psalm 25:15 He makes a bold statement of faith:

My eyes are continually toward the Lord,
For He will pluck my feet out of the net.

He makes a plea for grace followed immediately by some strong emotions. 

I am lonely and afflicted
the troubles of my heart are enlarged
bring me out of my distresses

In some of the circles I've been affiliated with we were not even allowed to say we were lonely, afflicted or distressed. Using these "negative" terms was considered to be showing a lack of faith. But I think that we cannot honestly ask God for help with something we cannot acknowledge. And how can we honestly accept His help if we refuse to declare our needs? 

God is big enough to hear our earnest plea for help. His hearing is good enough to hear our silent cries in the night. As caregivers we are used to carrying the whole load; and we typically feel like we have to act like super heroes and do it all on our own - or we are failing. (Maybe that's just me!) But today is a good day to just be honest with God about our emotions, feelings, struggles and victories. Another psalmist said God is a very present help in time of trouble. I like that He is very present. 

Today I am going to roll all of my cares over onto God's big shoulders. I'm going to be honest with Him about the troubles of my heart, and I am going to trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Sandwiched by Faith

I love reading the Psalms and particularly enjoy the ones written by David. He seems so open and honest with his feelings and doesn't typically hold anything back. David doesn't worry about what everyone else might think about him, he just lays it all out there. Sometimes it can seem like he goes from one emotional extreme to another all in one psalm. That's something many caregivers are very familiar with. Each day can bring a wide range of emotional challenges and changes until we start to think we are losing it for sure. But we are in good company it seems.

In Psalm 31, David makes a lot of "I" statements. In the first few verses, David is declaring his trust in God. He says some things like:

I have taken refuge (in You)
I commit my spirit (into Your hands)
I trust in the Lord
I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness

These are some very powerful declarations and worth grabbing a hold of in our own lives. They are perspective changing declarations that can help us get our attitude in the right place when things have gone crazy in our lives. But at the same time David is making these powerful statements he lets loose with some honest and raw emotions. He says things in the next few verses like:

I am in distress
My life is spent in sorrow
My strength has failed
I have become a reproach
I am forgotten...
I am like a broken vessel

What caregiver has not gone through this range of emotions? On any given day we can feel like we just can't make it one more second, our strength is gone. And oh how familiar we can be with being forgotten. Loneliness can be one of our greatest battles along with depression. We can feel reproached, forgotten and alone...like we are broken and beyond repair. I'm so glad that David took the time to preserve this psalm because we can start to feel not-so-alone knowing that our emotions are not foreign - others have experienced them too and were not afraid to write about it.

In the church world these feelings are oftentimes forbidden. We are told it is because of "lack of faith" that we feel them. We are further reproached because we can't seem to get a handle  on things. So we stuff it all inside and become more recluse. But if David felt them and God approved that they be in our beloved scriptures - they must be a normal part of life. While we need to work through them like we see David do- we should not be shunned or condemned for feeling them.

We do see David get past his emotional hurdles. He begins to turn his focus off his situation and onto God. After he lays it all out there (which is really good to do sometimes) he starts to  encourage himself by saying things like:

I trust in You, O Lord
You are my God
I will call on You
Save me in Your lovingkindness
How great is Your goodness
You hide us in Your secret place

It's sort of funny that he sandwiches his emotions between his statements of faith. Seems like a really good place to put them to me! So it's okay to acknowledge how we really feel - actually it's healthy. Just remember to turn your thoughts back to God when you're done. We can pour our hearts out to God and be totally honest about things that are common to caregivers: anger, depression, hurt, and loneliness. And then declare who God is - whether we feel it or not!

David ends up speaking to the reader and reminding us to trust the Lord who preserves the faithful.  And he offers hope for those who hope in the Lord. 

Be strong and let your heart take courage
all you who hope in the Lord.

Today I will acknowledge the areas where I struggle. And then I will declare that He is my God and my hope is in Him. I will I let  my heart be encouraged and I will declare I trust in You O Lord, You are my God!  Will you join me?


Waiting with Integrity

Caregivers have unusual enemies. I say that because our circumstances in life offer different perspectives of the battle. We have unique concerns that others perhaps can't even understand. Day-to-day decisions can become very complicated for the caregiver and simple tasks like making meals or figuring out how to go buy groceries can be huge tasks. It can be a huge undertaking to complete the things most people don't even have to give a second thought to. For me I either have to figure out how to do things like buy groceries or supplies inside a very limited time frame while an aide is here or make ride arrangements 24 hours in advance. It's not a simple thing to just go buy a bag of groceries. And what if I'm about out of eggs and the aide doesn't show up? Let's get real with it - what if I'm out of toilet paper and today's the day I gotta get to the store; and the aide doesn't show up?

While others are worrying about their jobs, which coffee to buy at Starbucks or which movie to go see on the weekend, the caregiver is trying to survive another day. Our enemies can be discouragement, exhaustion, or fighting to keep our chin up and remain positive from day to day. In Psalm 25, the psalmist asks the Lord to not let my enemies win. For caregivers our prayer might be, Lord don't let caregiving take me under! Don't let it define me; You define who I am. It's very easy to lose yourself in caring for another person so much that you can't find yourself anymore. That can be the biggest enemy of all.

In verse 16 of Psalm 25, David says I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged, bring me out of my distresses. That's getting up close and personal. To ask God for help, we have to be honest with Him. It's not that He can't just reach down and rescue us no matter what we are going through - but true deliverance comes through honest and earnest prayer. How will we know what He has brought us out of if we don't identify it? How will we know what we are fighting if it's not identifiable? Personally, I can get sucked into this huge pit of depression which can be debilitating. I can barely take care of daily caregiving chores. Over time, I've recognized the patterns and learned strategies to preempt a long bout with depression. By identifying it and being honest about it I can avoid the deep, dark pit. It's okay to be specific with our prayers - and it's okay to admit to God how we really feel. (It's not like He didn't already know!)

Verses 20 and 21 say this:
Guard my soul and deliver me;
Do not let me be ashamed 
For I take refuge in You.
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me
For I wait for You.

God is able to guard our souls - that is a lot deeper than just taking care of our flesh. He protects the part of us that truly feels the pain of caregiving. He can keep our being safe - even if our body is broken. It takes integrity to be honest with ourselves and with God. To truly wait on Him means I admit I need some help here! The caregiver can wear themselves out trying to rely on themselves - but there comes a time when we know it's not our strength we are running on. When we wait on Him He will guard us and keep us hidden in Him.

Today my meditation will be on how He guards my soul. I will yield to His peace and His strength and allow Him to carry me - mind, will and emotions - through this day. My thoughts will be on how He preserves me in trouble.  And I will speak honestly with Him about how I really feel - so He can heal my heart and soul. Will you join me?

There it is again!

There are many scriptures that talk about waiting on God. It seems to be a favorite theme that runs throughout the psalms. Psalm 62 is just one of the many times there is mention of waiting on Him. Actually, the first verse of this psalm begins with a declaration of My soul waits in silence for God only. Not only is the psalmist, David saying his soul is waiting for God, but he is doing so in silence. Now I don't know about you, but it can be a rare thing for my soul  to be silent. My mouth may not be making a sound but my head and heart are going a hundred miles an hour (on a slow day!).

As a caregiver it can feel like we are always in "waiting mode." Even getting up in the morning means waiting to see what the day will hold. How will our loved one respond to care today? Will the aide show up today? Will supplies arrive on time? Am I going to be able to go grab some groceries or will something preempt it? And that's all the thoughts that start running after hitting the snooze the first time. But no matter how hectic the day starts out we have to learn to wait on God alone. We have to learn to trust Him in every situation.

Psalm 62:5 says My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. Even though he started the psalm with this thought it's like he needs to remind himself to wait - in silence. Then it seems like he is reminding himself of who God is to him:

My rock
My salvation
My stronghold
My glory
My strength
My refuge

I will trust Him at all times.

I can truly pour out my heart before Him because He is a safe place. He knows what we are going through and understands each intricate detail of our crazy lives. But He never condemns or judges us. He even understands the thousands of thoughts that run through our heads in just a few seconds. And you know what? It doesn't scare Him off! 

Our task is to quiet our souls before Him. This can be a true act of worship as we learn to become quiet before God and wait on Him. 

Today I will work on quieting my soul before my God. I will meditate on trusting Him more fully. I will work on surrendering my mind, will and emotions to Him as an act of worship. Will you join me?


Fighting the Downward Spiral

For caregivers, emotions can run on edge. Oh, eventually we adjust to the hectic life and can hold it together through all the basic stuff. We really don't have much of a choice so we get used to aides not showing up, not getting enough supplies, and advocating for our loved one on a daily basis. The daily chores become routine as do all the things we have to get done to care for another person. For some of us that basically means you do everything twice because they need total care. We adjust, figure out we are still alive, and we even learn to laugh again. And then something happens.

We get used to the craziness and then a vehicle breaks down, the hot water heater malfunctions or we get sick. It really doesn't take too much because we run on overload. For me personally it can mean the emotions go toward that downward spiral. Even though there are some strategies that I've learned to use to help prevent me from bottoming out - it is a difficult fight and each step "back up" takes every bit of energy that can be mustered.

In times like these I think of David and of one scripture in particular: David encouraged himself in the Lord. (1 Samuel 30:6) And like the caregiver, he had to -- no one else was around! David had been anointed king but had instead faced a multitude of troubles. He had a lot on his plate at this time since his own had rejected him, he was running from Saul, had joined in with "the enemy" (Philistines), and they didn't trust him to fight with them. THEN the Amalekites came in and tore up Ziklag and took all the women and children. David was just a little bit upset. Like the overloaded caregiver, he already had enough on his plate. But he stopped the downward spiral and encouraged himself in the Lord. 

If my sources are correct, David wrote Psalm 16 while facing the struggle at Ziklag. He starts out with a prayer for God to preserve him  and then declares that he will trust the Lord. I'd say that's a great place to start each day. He says things like:

You are my portion
I will bless the Lord
I have set the Lord always before me
I will not be moved (because He is at my right hand)

It sounds to me like David knew how to reach down, up or around and find his source and supply in God. I think two things that stick out to me today as I fight the strong pull of the downward spiral are in verses 9 and 10. In verse 9 David says My flesh will rest in hope.  I really like that! And in the next verse he says You will not leave my soul in Sheol. I'm going to take that to mean for me that God will not leave my soul in turmoil and anguish. To encourage himself, David looked toward God first and then reminded himself of the role God played in his life. Verses 7-8 line that out pretty well. Here David says:

I will bless the Lord
I will set Him before me
I will not be moved

Then in verse 9 he says therefore my heart is glad and my  glory rejoices - and  I will rest in hope.

Today I will meditate on who God is to me and I will rest in hope. I will set my mind on the truth that He is with me and He has not and will not abandon my soul (mind, will, emotions). I will try to see myself in His hand; in His heart today. I will also be reading this psalm over and over today. Will you join me?

Step Out of the Traffic!

This has been a very busy week around here: supplies that do not come in, nurses that drop in unexpectedly, aides that don't show up (they're fired)  - and it's only Tuesday! For the caregiver it simply never stops! Life can be a tilt-a-whirl that never takes a break, just keeps spinning and spinning with no relief in sight. *sigh* Sometimes it seems we cannot even slow down enough to take a breath. It only takes a few minutes for everything to snowball on top of you when you are already underneath the load and emotions are already on "high."

Maybe it's just me, but in those times it can be very difficult to figure out what is the "right" thing to pray. After a few years of caregiving (or suffering otherwise) we've pretty well prayed it all out. That can add frustration too. So yesterday when it all caved in on me again I did what I taught others to do for years. I went right to Psalm 46:10. It's good in any version: KJV says Be still and know I am God. The NASB says: Cease striving and know that I am God. the CEV says it this way: Calm down and learn that I am God." The Message says it like this: Step out of the traffic! Take a long loving look at me, your High God. I guess that about sums it up...when life is overbearing, pain unmanageable, people not present - just be still, cease striving, calm down and step out of the traffic

When you live in the furnace like caregivers do life can become overbearing at any second. Sometimes we do good to even know we are saved! But when it is too much - it's time to quiet our soul in the presence of the One who created it... and say with or without breath -- I still believe You are God. Somehow this acknowledgement that doesn't really change anything....changes everything.

 Take a moment today to remember that He is still God. Remind yourself that whatever ongoing tragedy is occurring in our lives has not dethroned God. As we quiet ourselves simply in honor of His existence...the world becomes a much quieter place around us. He will give us strength to walk another day. 

Today I will remind myself that He is still God - has always been God - and will continue to be God. Be quiet my soul....He is still God!

The Peace of Integrity

I'm still reading Job and really enjoying it. One thing that is standing out in my mind is how his friends keep arguing that there is some sort of flaw in Job or he would not be in this terrible situation. I guess it stands out to me so much because I had people say these same types of things to me when I was very ill in 1986. (It's a long story I'll try to write somewhere else - but obviously I lived!) Job's "friends" attack his character each time they speak because they were trying to analyze it according to their own religious dogma. Yet all the way through Job maintains that he has not sinned to cause all the tragedy to come upon him. Isn't that among some of our first thoughts after a tragedy strikes and we try to settle into a new normal?

In Job 13:15 Job makes one of the most faith-filled statements that is contained in scriptures. He states that even if God slays him - he will still trust Him. Some versions say still hope in Him.  While this is a powerful viewpoint on life and Job is making the declaration that no matter what happens to him while journeying through life he will continue to trust and hope in God - the next statement is what caught my heart today.

In the last phrase of this verse, Job says Nevertheless, I will argue my ways before Him. He was not going to back down on the fact that he had integrity with himself and God. I think he trusted God enough to know that if he had done something wrong the Lord would have informed him of such.  David made a similar statement in Psalm 101:2  when he said I will live a life of integrity in my own home. How powerful is it to know that we have integrity with ourselves? Plus we know that we are pleasing Him in our actions.

I'll be the first to admit that I cannot say I am blameless...there are those days that I lose it. Aides don't show up, supplies are delayed, doctors do not return calls...I get frustrated. Don't we all? My peace is not found in my actions always being the purest...but in the fact that after I punch the punching bag a few times, run a couple of miles and mutter a couple of curse words...I do finally run to Him! And you know what? He's always right there - even when I am not "perfect"!

Today I will meditate on His ever abiding presence - even when I am frustrated. I will learn to turn to Him sooner when things get out of hand. And I will commit to having integrity in my own home.

What Time I Am Afraid

Maybe it's just me, but there can be  a lot of fears in caregiving.I am afraid I will hurt my loved one (not purposefully of course), make a wrong decision or just mess something up. It's very difficult to make decisions on behalf of someone else...for me anyway! Then since I am a caregiver to my son I worry about what happens when I am gone? Who will care for him then? There are also concerns about getting older and how that looks now as opposed to BC (before caregiving). If we are not careful thoughts can overrun us and charge our emotions with fear.

That's why this morning I turned my meditation to a scripture that I taught my kids when they were little. It's Psalm 56:3 and it simply says what time I am afraid, I will trust in You. It was written by an adult David while he was not faring too well in battle. What? David was afraid too? Is that possible? We are so conditioned to think that it is a grave sin to be afraid of anything - and so we tend to secretly shake and try to keep our deepest fears hidden. Well, let me be the first to admit: I am Afraid!

There is no sin in being afraid - and it's not lack of faith. The sin is in relying on man to save us instead of trusting in the Lord. David didn't say "I'll never be afraid." He said when I am afraid I will trust. We will get nowhere and remain emotionally immature until we can admit our own feelings of fear and helplessness. And really, until we can get there - we won't trust Him!

So today - I will admit my fears; I will share them with Him. And then - you got it - once again - I will trust in Him.

The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...