Mighty Warrior

Have you ever had someone tell you they admire you and how they think you, as a caregiver, are so strong? It happens all the time - but I really don't feel strong at all. It feels like I am just surviving and not doing that very well some days. And then sometimes, like this weekend while on our first big walking adventure - I notice people looking at us with such sympathy - like they feel so sorry for us and our situation. How people see a caregiver relies a lot on the types of life experiences they have had themselves.

Maybe they have had their shot at caregiving and they feel like it takes an enormous amount of strength. Or maybe some have never been in the position and think there's no way they could do it. (I was in that class BC -before caregiving.) The truth is we may not feel strong at all - but others likely see us that way.

We know as caregivers that we have moments where we can take on the world. These usually occur after winning a loooong fight with a health care professional who doesn't understand our situation or an aide who doesn't want to do their job or a person without a disability who took a handicap parking spot! These I-can-take-on-the-world-and-win!  moments are sparse and short-lived as in a matter of minutes we can go from this high back to the harsh reality of not knowing how to face the next moment of the day.

Sometimes we are zooming along full speed and everything is going well - again a rare moment for many of us! - and WHAM! outta nowhere comes something that knocks us off our  feet. Maybe we get a horrifying call from an insurance company who threatens to drop us or our loved one, our handicap vehicle breaks down after a doctor's visit or our loved one's tube just pops out! (All of these have happened to me! lol) We don't even take time to think about having or finding strength we just kick into gear and get 'er done - whatever it takes! Then we promptly collapse into a pile of tears and exhaustion when we are done... experience speaking. That doesn't seem all that strong to me.

I had someone in one of my support groups say something that made me think of it she said, "She's shown us all a thing or two about digging down deep and getting things done." I just stared at that text on the screen and thought Is that how she sees me? To me - I'm flailing around trying to survive! How people see us is not usually how we feel about ourselves.

God doesn't see us like we see ourselves either. It makes me think of the story of Gideon in Judges 6. He was hiding from the enemy and the angel of the Lord came to him and said, hail, mighty man of valour! Really? He's hiding and God sees him as a mighty warrior?

Sometimes it's easier for the caregiver to try and hide in the caregiver's cave than it is to deal with the world outside - and even though we may see ourselves as a bit shaky, or frightened or weak - He sees us as He intended and He sees us as filled with the power of Christ.

Today I will meditate on the strength He has put inside of me instead of my own weakness. I will turn my thoughts to how He fills me with Himself until there's nothing left of me. And I will think about His mighty indwelling presence and how strong I am in Him. Will you join me?

Rainy Days and Mondays

I'm a 70's child and I remember when "Rainy Days and Mondays" was popular on the radio.It's got such a smooth sound it can get stuck in your head. For the caregiver "Mondays" doesn't mean too much really, since everyday  can look pretty much the same.

We get up on Monday mornings with just as much to do as we had when we got up on Sunday morning. The caregiver's responsibilities don't change much, if any, from day to day. I usually try to make some small variances on the weekends, like letting my son sleep in just a little bit longer; but the primary responsibilities do not change with the day of the week. When you are caring for another whole person these do not change much. There's still bathing, pureeing foods, feeding, transferring, dressing, and lots of other things that have to be done every single day. If we are blue because it's Monday, we are likely blue every day of the week!

I went in search of one of the scriptures we, as good church people, learn as a child. This is the day the Lord has made - we will rejoice and be glad in it.  I found it in Psalm 118:24. For the caregiver everyday is the same - for all of us - everyday is the day the Lord has made and has given us. Our attitude determines how we handle the situations we will face on any given day; and we will face them! There's always something! Aides who don't show up (if you're lucky enough to have one at all), supplies are not delivered on time, an appliance breaks, you run out of briefs or wipes, any one of a thousand things can happen in a caregiver's day - and usually does. It's our attitude that determines our day - not the day of the week. Mondays are just like Fridays which are just like Tuesdays and Wednesdays....they are all days He has given us with our loved ones.

Rather than thinking about how today is Monday and it's supposed to be rough, I'm going to shift my thinking to the fact that each day is a gift from Him. The psalm that contains this verse is full of praise to the Lord for all He has done. At the very beginning the psalmist lists a few things He's done like:

• He is good and His mercy endures forever
• I called on the Lord and He answered me
• The Lord is on my side
• The Lord is for me

Having a rough day? Just pick one of these to meditate on today. Let it mold our attitudes into one of thankfulness for all He has done. It's all about focus.

Today I will meditate on how God is on my side - and  He is for me! As I go about the caregiving tasks that are necessary I will think about how He gives me the strength to carry on. My thoughts will be on how He really is for me and not against me; and He is for me when it feels like life is against me! I will be thankful today that He is with me. Will you join me?

We Still Look the Same

So many things may have changed when we became caregivers. For me, I had gotten rid of everything and moved to Chicago from the deep south and was working three jobs in preparation for heading to the mission fields in South Africa. But like many, my plans came to a screeching halt with a single phone call informing me my son had been in an automobile accident and had been medi-flighted to a local hospital in Shreveport. From there the changes were astronomical.

I booked a flight to Shreveport and lived in the hospital for 4 months as I sat by his side. We then went through a series of nursing homes and rehab facilities until I could get my own apartment and have a place to "bring him home" to. It's an understatement to say that everything changed. I now work from home as a writer and have a decent little apartment near my family in Oklahoma.

Over time we all change, we evolve into different roles as life throws new things at us. We develop character as we embrace life changes. I think as caregivers we get used to rolling with the blows since we never know what a day is going to bring and who we may have to confront on behalf of our loved ones. For me - recent changes include stepping into  more of a caregiving role with my parents as they age as well. Even though this brings more changes I still look the same.

Of course I don't look the same physically as I did when I began this caregiving journey, I'm a little fluffier and more wrinkled for sure - I'm not nearly the same person I was. I don't put up with as much silliness and I basically have learned how to fight for others. We learn new skills like advocating on behalf of another and dealing with people who don't want to do their job like aides etc. Supplies -- there you go - just getting the supplies that we are due can be quite a journey. Perhaps we don't think about it - but all these struggles and situations mold us into a new person.

No matter what changes we endure - we still look the same to Him. God still sees us as the exact same person as He always has - and He always will. I think we could compare it to how we see our kids. They grow up and eventually leave home to raise their own family. And even though they go through many physical changes they remain "our little girl" or "our little boy." God sees us like that -- we are still His little girls and boys.

Psalm 139:13 states that He wove us in our mother's womb and that He formed our inward parts. I think that means the insides that make us who we are -- not just our intestines, heart, and liver. Job said it like this: You clothe me with skin and flesh, and knit me together with bones and sinews. (Job 10:11) To me this means God sees us from the inside out - He sees us like we really are - what makes us "us" and then He put skin on it. So even though our worlds turned upside down or topsy-turvy we still look the same to the one who loves us most.

Today I will meditate on how God sees the real me - and continues to love me. I will turn my meditations to how He chose for me to be on this planet and even though He put skin on the "real me" He sees way deeper than that. I will think about His closeness today and how He loves me with or without skin on! Even though people treat me different and aren't sure what to do with me - He still thinks I look the same....and He loves me. I'll think about His great love and compassion for me today - will you join me?

Like a Dove

There can be different roles we play as caregivers. For me, I am a sole caregiver for my son and get few breaks. But on a totally different level I am in the beginning stages of caregiving (just offering assistance presently) for my parents who are aging. No matter what specific role we play as a caregiver it can be overwhelming and emotionally exhausting. This morning I was just feeling tired; too tired to start the day. I thought of the verse in Psalm 55 where the psalmist says Oh that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. But then my next thought was No, I'm too tired to fly away! (smile) - I know you relate.

Evidently when David penned this psalm he was under a lot of pressure from his enemies. And according to verse 12 even his friends had begun to fight with him. The shift is friendships was one of the biggest shockers of becoming a caregiver. Our BC (before caregiving) friends are not always able to handle the changes we need to make. And some are just not capable of offering what they think is continued support. They don't realize we are still the same person. We still have the same likes and dislikes but our time is divided up differently now.

One factor for me is that I just don't have the time to chase people down and make them a friend. If they want to be a friend they will find a way, I've seen that in demonstration. (And I've also spent a lot of time alone lol!) Having to go through the huge shift in our circle of friends is one of the most hurtful parts of the journey; and it can have lasting effects. But thankfully, this psalm offers a couple of bits of help for those who have been (or even just felt) betrayed by friends.

The first thing that sticks out to me is in verse 18 - He will redeem my soul in peace. I like that because not only is God going to reach out and redeem, or rescue our soul (mind, will, emotions), He is going to do it in peace.  He will bring me back to Himself and let me rest in peace. I can handle some of that!

The second takeaway point from this psalm for me is in verse 22- cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you.  That sounds like a winning combination - my part is to cast, or throw my burdens over onto His big shoulders; then His part is to sustain me so I can face one more day.

Today I will meditate on the truth that He will redeem me in peace. I will do my part to rest in His peace. And I will also toss my burdens over on Him and allow Him to sustain my soul. I will let Him be God of my heart, mind and soul today. And maybe I won't fly away after all. Will you join me?

It's a New Day!

Overall I keep a pretty positive attitude especially considering my situation. But when someone enthusiastically says "It's a new day!" I nearly get mad. Because a new day for many caregivers looks just like the day before. We still have the same tasks to perform as we did yesterday and sometimes it's just over and over and over. I know that a routine is important for my sanity but every once in awhile a break would be nice.

Sometimes caregivers can feel like they are tired of being tired. The psalmist must have understood this when he said in Psalm 73:26:  my heart and flesh my fail... For caregivers looking at a "new day" can seem like it's just "another day."

It's important that we don't lose heart while caregiving. Yeah, that's just a little more pressure. Not only do we have to provide care for a whole other individual and meet all of their physical, mental and health needs - there's always someone to remind us to take care of ourselves. When? When do we have time to meet our own needs? Many of us turn those needs off and pour ourselves into our loved ones. We have to.

And even on the good days it can feel like our heart and flesh are failing. We wake up tired but we just keep going. Why and how? Most likely it's because of what the psalmist says in the second part of this verse because God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Caregivers really do know what it means to go in God's strength and most of us wouldn't hesitate to say He is the only way we are making each new day.

It's the verses leading up to verse 26 that the tell us how the psalmist (and the caregiver) draw on the strength God provides. Verses 23 to 25 say:

Nevertheless I am continually with You;

You hold my right hand.

You guide me with Your counsel,

and afterward You will receive me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but You?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You...

Knowing that God guides us, receives us and holds our right hand (symbolic of power) is enough to help us make one more day. When He is all we have in heaven and all we desire in earth His strength will fill our hearts and carry us through.

Today I will meditate on my need for Him in earth - but not just for His help; I need His presence in my life. My thoughts will be on the truth that He accepts and receives me as a caregiver. We are not cast away and He doesn't gawk at us because we look different than most. I will choose to rest in the strength He pours into my heart today. Will you join me?

The Thing I Fear Most

In Job's lament found in chapter three, he made a statement that faith-ers have used against him for years. He said: the thing I greatly feared has come upon me.(KJV) As a caregiver there can be many fears that we have to deal with. Our fears might lead to questions like:

• What if I can't provide for my loved one?
• What if I get sick and can't take care of him/her?
• What happens to my loved one once I am gone?

These are all valid fears and are running around somewhere in the back of our minds most of the time. Because they are not imminently upon us we don't have to think about them too often; but they are still there. Another fear that I have had is that I would become bitter through the ordeal. It's been one of my most frequent concerns and the center of many prayers that the Lord would help me in my quest to prevent bitterness from setting in.

Caregiving can take a toll on you - but it's the rest of life (which we are not exempt from) that can take you down. We all have those times when we feel like everything is crashing in and we have to face our fears. How do we walk through this valley and keep a positive attitude? It's too easy to feel abandoned by other people, and life itself. We're just hanging here with a choice. How am I going to deal with this? Are we going to cave in and be angry and God and everybody? Or are we going to stand up, adjust our clothing and take life on one more time?

Isaiah 26:3 is a scripture that comes to mind in times like this. It says You will keep him in perfect peace - whose mind is stayed on You. To me, perfect means mature. When we keep our minds fixed on God instead of our situations He provides perfect peace or a mature peace; a peace that stands. My job is to refocus my thoughts on the Lord and keep them from gravitating toward my situation or life's events. 

Today I will shift my focus to God's word and allow it to be my meditation. I will purposefully turn my thoughts to the God I trust and keep them off the troubles of life. I'll think about how I trust Him to see me through and I will allow His perfect peace to invade my heart as I let go of frustration and fear. Will you join me?

When the Caregiver Needs a Caregiver

Have you ever felt terribly alone and hopeless? I think those feelings come with the caregiving package as a general rule and perhaps everyone has felt them at one time or another. But when stuff starts to pile up on you it can make an already difficult situation even harder to deal with. The aide doesn't come in, the van broke down, or you, the caregiver doesn't feel well. Any of these can make for difficult days but then there are times they all happen at the same time. Even though we'd like to we just can't give up. What would we give up to? Where would we go? Despair can easily set in when situations are overwhelming. But one look at our loved one and we remember why we are doing this "job" to begin with. Somehow they help us keep it in perspective.

We can think of their vulnerability, their needs and just the fact that we love them and want to protect them and it helps us adjust our own attitude. That's when we seem to reach down a little further and dig out a better attitude and strength we didn't even know we had to face one more day. Are there ever days when you wonder if someone would have that kind of stick-to-it-iveness for you? Maybe we wonder that but we don't have time to dwell there - there's too much to get done to spend time thinking about that.

I'm thinking that God is the only one who is really sticking to it for the caregiver. We get weary, people who help us get weary - but God never gets weary. Some days I can feel like the energizer bunny and I keep going and going. Other days, I wind down and it takes all my energy and strength to just get out of the bed in the morning. God never feels that way. As a matter of fact, in Isaiah 40, verse 28 states that He never gets weary or tired. And the next verse says He gives strength to the weary. Days like today I have to raise my hand and say, "Me! I need strength to make it today!" And He always equips and encourages me from the inside out.

I am amazed at how He can encourage when there is no hope and strengthen when there is no might. So far I haven't seen an intake valve - but He puts it in there somewhere. Knowing He is with me and hasn't abandoned me along the way encourages me to take one more step. This morning I was reading in Psalm 95 where it says we are the people of His pasture and the sheep of His hand. I wondered why the psalmist says people of His pasture and not the sheep of His pasture. Then I thought, it really covers everything. By being the sheep of His hand  puts us in His hands, where we are near His heart. And the people of His pasture puts us where our needs are met- we are well taken care of by the Master Caregiver.

Caregivers need to be reminded that as much care and love we put into taking care of our loved ones - God matches it in taking care of us. He watches us more closely and covers us more fully. I take comfort in the fact that He is my caregiver today. And for today - I can rest in that.

Today as I care for my son - I will look at each act of kindness and love and think about how God does that for me. My thoughts will be on His tender, loving care for me as I care for His child. And I will rest content in His arms as a small sheep trusts and relies on the shepherd. Will you join me?