Showing posts with label caregiving journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label caregiving journey. Show all posts

Sandwiched

chris in his "top gun" shirt

 I love the Psalms. The psalmists are all so open, raw, and real with their emotions. Reading the Psalms has let me know that it's okay to tell God anything and everything. During my growing up years, I was toted off to church any time there was a service. Sometimes, we traveled, and I got to miss school to attend minister's meetings with my mom. I learned so much at the height of the Charismatic move. I wouldn't trade anything for that upbringing. As the movement evolved, we found ourselves in the middle of the Faith movement. I've seen some of the greats like Lester Sumrall and Pop Hagin many times. 

But the "faith movement" was lacking a bit and got off center. It was indirectly taught that if we had faith, we didn't get sick, we wouldn't be poor, and bad things wouldn't happen to us. You can imagine my personal conflict when I got sick. And when my son had his wreck, and I started my caregiving journey, it took some time to reshape and redefine faith.

Our Bible heroes are heroes because they went through things - not because they avoided them. Daniel faced the lion's den. Joseph spent years in prison for something he didn't do - that after being betrayed by his own brothers and sold as a slave. Even Paul talks about the trials and struggles he went through before he got the revelation in 2 Corinthians 12 that God's grace is enough for any and all situations.

So, this morning as I was reading Psalm 92:5, I found something interesting. The psalmist says that in the morning, he will declare God's mercies. Then, he says in the evenings, he will declare God's faithfulness. We know that God's mercies are new every morning  - for us - because God has no mornings. It's His way of refreshing us for each of our new days. I can declare in the morning that I will trust God's mercies for the day. I will declare that I will be thankful, that I will praise Him, that I will lift my hands to Him in total trust no matter what the day brings.

In the evening, I will thank Him for carrying me through another day. I can acknowledge that His mercies were enough for the events of the day, so I end my day with gratitude for His sustaining power.

But it's the in-between sandwiched between my morning prayers and my evening thanksgiving that is more difficult to navigate. Who knows what a day will bring. My thoughts can run crazily through the events of the day - and hopefully always land upright, cradled by His mercy and grace. It's those occurrences that keep my heart pounding and my mind running that are difficult. I can do the "morning" thing. And I can do the "evening" thing - but man, are those in-betweens rough riding!?

It takes constantly reminding myself that He hasn't abandoned me. I must constantly reel in my thoughts to make them compliant to His word and His will. Quite honestly, that's a lot of work with all the stuff that can get thrown at you while caregiving. But we can do it. We just have to remind ourselves over and over that He's got us.

Today, I will remind myself that God didn't leave me in time to sink or swim, but instead, He chooses to walk through this day with me. My meditations will be on His mercies and grace for today, no matter how many times I must force my thoughts back into that stream. I'll turn my thoughts to gratitude and purposefully look for things to be thankful for in today's in-between. Will you join me?

When I Can't See

 This morning, it's cloudy and rainy here. I like a nice rainy day now and then. When I was a kid, I'd curl up with a book or two and read the day away. Boy, how I wouldn't love one of those kinds of days right now! But for the caregiver, it is not meant to be. Lol. But the cloudy day did help spark some deeper thoughts that I've been rolling around.

Do you ever go through those times when you can't see or feel God? One thing I've tried to do with this blog is to be gut-level honest about emotions, thoughts, and all the crazy parts of being caregivers. There are days when I don't see or feel God's hand at work in my life. Many of my middle-of-the-night experiences have led to me crying out to God and asking Him if He sees us. If He hears us. And IF He does, why isn't He answering? But in most Christian circles, those raw emotions and legit questions are not allowed. They show a "lack of faith." But do they?

On this cloudy day, I cannot see the sun. It's a thick, cloudy, super rainy day, and barely any light is getting through. The sun is obscured from reaching us. But is it really? The presence of the clouds doesn't mean the sun isn't out there shining on. Right? I just can't see it. But it didn't go away. Where would it go? Lol.


Even in the most "normal" circumstances, our clear sight of God can be disrupted. But for caregivers, it's even worse. Every day caregiving stuff can cloud our view of the One we love - the One we need so desperately. But it doesn't mean that He's not there. Like the sun, He is shining brightly on the other side.

It's those gray days that can drag us down the most. Those times when we don't see Him moving, can't hear Him breathing, and can't see Him reaching for our hearts. But He is.

Isn't believing that He is still there when we don't feel, see, or experience Him what faith is all about? Don't let anyone try to tell you that you don't have faith because you don't get the answers you want when you want them. You're still holding on, right? It may be to what feels like a quickly thinning thread, but you're still gripping it! Caregivers have got more guts and faith than any other class of people, in my opinion. We just keep reaching for Him...

  • when we are tired
  • when we are lost
  • when strength is gone
  • when we can't think straight
  • when others tell us we shouldn't...
That's faith. The fact that you are still reading this blog - demonstrates that you are still reaching, even if you cannot see. Man, is that awesome!

Today, I will take Him at His word and trust that He is working on my behalf - even if I don't see or sense that He is doing a thing. It's a good day to just silently wait for Him. Will you join me?

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31 Days in Psalm 31 devotional book cover


Check out my bookstores. I have eBook devotionals, Bible study guides, poetry, and more in my Dove's Fire Ministries bookstore. My Amazon bookshelf has a couple of those in print or on Kindle. My devotional 31 Days in Psalm 31 is all about seeking God from the cave! Check it out!




The Back of the Cave

 


This morning I let my mind and heart run around in Psalm 57 for a while. It's been a long-time favorite as I "found" it during one of the darkest storms of my life in 1986. I find myself going back there a lot. David penned this psalm while running for his life from Saul. He was hiding in a cave. Do you ever feel like you live in a cave as a caregiver? I know I did when I first brought Chris home. I found myself all alone almost all the time. 

What David did in the cave is an example for us all. He wasn't shy about expressing his emotions or concerns. But he also wasn't shy about declaring his faith and trust in God, even in the tough times. He declared from the back of the cave I will hide beneath the shadow of Your wings. I cry to God! I will sing Your praises. Be exalted O God above the heavens. Even while navigating a difficult time in his life, he put his trust in God. I think we do that a lot.

David also declared in verse 3 that God was going to send forth His unfailing love and faithfulness. David acted like he expected God's mercy, love, and faithfulness to overtake him right there in the dark cave. Why not? Right? What a rescuer of our souls! Even the darkest, dankest cave can't prevent God's mercy and love from reaching us! You'll never hear God say, O, it's too dark in there. He will never say He's afraid to pursue our hearts with His love! I love that about God. He just walks right into the middle of whatever mess the day, week, month, or years have caused and brings His mercy, peace, faithfulness, and love with Him!

Today, I will declare from the back of the cave that I will trust in His unfailing love and faithfulness. Today, I will praise Him because He will not abandon us to our own messes! Today, I will praise Him for bringing me joy in the midst of the pain, light in the darkest night, and peace in troublesome times. Isn't He wonderful? (Even in the back of the cave?) I declare that today I will trust Him for my very life and sanity as I trust Him to carry me for one more day. Will you join me?

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31 Days in Psalm 31 devotional book cover


Check out my bookstores. I have eBook devotionals, Bible study guides, poetry, and more in my Dove's Fire Ministries bookstore. My Amazon bookshelf has a couple of those in print or on Kindle. My devotional 31 Days in Psalm 31 is all about seeking God from the cave! Check it out!


Behind the Wheelchair

There were a lot of things that changed about my life when I became a caregiver. I used to run on "go" all the time, loved to be in a crowd, and enjoyed hiking, a lot.

The social isolation has been one of the most difficult aspects of caregiving for me. But I didn't really change that much as "me" - I just had to change a lot of what I did. I was still the same person who loved the same things I did before caregiving became my lot in life. I just had to stop many of the things I was doing because something more important needed to be taken care of, my son.

Even though I've always been a very (and I mean very) social and personable person, it's more difficult to develop relationships now for me. I know one reason is that we can't do some of the things others do to build relationships. You know, there's no meeting up for a movie, a cup of coffee or a walk in the park. Even if we do schedule it we have to be willing to drop our plans at the last minute because our loved one is not up to it, they (or we) become sick or any number of crazy things that can happen.

And sometimes it's because people don't see anything past our caregiving. They forget we are a real person behind the wheelchair. Maybe they don't think about getting past the caregiving to the person we are inside, maybe they don't know how. And maybe we don't know how to get out of the box either.

Even though caregiving has brought about many character and lifestyle changes in me, I'm still me. I still like music, I love a good game, I'm all up into sports and I still like my coffee, a good funny movie and my guitar. Sometimes I feel very alone because people don't look past the wheelchair at this person....a caregiver is still a person. It can be a very lonely place.

I'm so thankful that God is intimately acquainted  with me. He knows me inside and out - and he's not afraid of the wheelchair. Psalm 139 gives us a glimpse of how closely He lives to us. He knows my thoughts (cuss words included) and He's not scared away. He feels me and still presses in to be intimately acquainted with me. I love this verse in Exodus 34:14 it says:

You must worship no other gods,
but only the Lord,
For He is a God who is 
passionate about His relationship with you. (NLT)

So even though it feels like those around us don't "push past" who we are and the role we play as caregivers, God is not too scared to be passionate about a relationship. He still wants to know us inside and out. He didn't put any disclaimers on this or any other verse that says, unless you are a caregiver. He still loves us, cares for us, and wants to be in a close relationship with us.

Today I am going to purposefully rejoice that He wants to be with me, even when I can't understand why. I will turn my thoughts to the truth that He passionately pursues me... me.. the caregiver. And I will bask in the fact that He isn't looking for a way out of an "uncomfortable" situation. He doesn't feel awkward talking to me or being with me. I will turn my heart to Him to welcome Him into my world today. Will you join me?

A Few "Forevers" to Help You Rejoice

When writing to the Christians in Philippi, Paul reminded them to rejoice in the Lord. He must have really wanted to emphasize it because he said it twice in Phil. 4:4 - rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, rejoice. Many might think that as caregivers we do not have a lot to rejoice about or that we have a right to be sad or upset. After all, life "cheated" us. We really cannot afford to buy into that lie.

Sometimes I have to admit when someone who I think lives in an ivory castle so to speak tells me to rejoice or be thankful, I would like to just punch them. They don't understand real life. Many appear to live a highly protected life free from a lot of the struggles we have to face everyday. And it is true that they are not dealing with our situation. But even among caregivers each of our situations has very different features and circumstances. No two journeys are alike even though we are caregivers. It can be easy to compare ourselves among ourselves and see how we have an "easier" road or a more difficult road to walk. There are no easy roads in caregiving. But there are ways to rejoice in every situation.

Caregiving is tough period and it can seem that there is nothing to be thankful for and nothing to rejoice in. It's really a matter of attitude and choice. If we look hard enough and long enough we will find something to rejoice about. And we can find things to be thankful about every single day. It changes our perspective and helps us deal with our situation in a more positive light.

Our day can cloud up rather quickly and it can be difficult to see from a positive point of view. Caregivers do a lot and there is little or no reward. Sometimes finding things to be thankful for and rejoice about  comes easy - other times it is difficult to find anything to rejoice in. Here are a few forevers to rejoice in no matter what the day looks like:

  • His undending mercy
  • His unchanging unconditional love
  • His ever abiding presence
  • His careful watch over our souls
  • His unchanging truth
Finding something to rejoice about can effectively change our perspective even if we don't feel like it. It can change the outcome of the day.

Today I will meditate on the things about God that do not change. I will purposefully set my mind on the truth that He is with me, loves me and He gives me mercy and grace for the journey. I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Caregiver's University

As caregivers we are able to get in there and get things done. It sort of comes with the territory. No matter what our basic personality is, in just a short time of caregiving is good schooling on this topic. We learn rather quickly that in many cases, advocating for our loved one means rolling up our sleeves and getting 'er done.

Too bad there's not a Caregivers University where we can go to learn the skills needed. We could get a diploma once we learned it all and of course passed our internship where we learned all the ropes using a hands-on approach. Of course I am speaking tongue-in-cheek as it would be impossible for someone to teach us what we've learned.

Of course there is no such school and we are not going to get a diploma for our learning. But we do a lot of learning about a lot of things once we become a caregiver, including things about ourselves. Even though I'm pretty high strung and hyper most of the time I let a lot of things slide as a person. I wouldn't get in there and fight for stuff - I'd just take the wrong and walk away in most instances. Early on in the caregiving journey I learned that this approach was not going to work, People do not just do their jobs - they want to do as little as possible and still get paid. That can lead to some frustration for us. Until we learn how to fight.

During the four months we stayed in the hospital after my son's initial head injury, I learned that something Madea said was true. She said you only have to go crazy up in here one time. And I did that. It was premeditated I will admit. And I purposefully went out into the hall to throw my fit to get everyone's attention. I threw a good fit too and they came running! They took care of a very serious situation with my son that was having to wait until they were done with break. Suddenly every RN up there knew how to take out an infected, clogged catheter.

But as tough as we become or learn to be there is still an underlying humility, or there should be. Let's face it, there are parts of our job that others are not willing to do. We don't go around talking about those midnight messes we have to clean up and things like that. How can you not be humble when you are meeting the very basic personal needs of another person. Things others won't think of stooping to do? Humility comes with the package too, just like tenacity. They work together to make us stronger, better individuals.

James 4:6 says that God gives grace to the humble. When I was in the church scene sometimes we were indirectly taught that we could take a scripture and wave it around in God's face long enough to get Him to do what we wanted. It wasn't on purpose but we were sort of taught to be full of pride and come to God like I did in the hallway at that hospital in Shreveport. Screaming and yelling and telling them all what-for! But God acts on true humility.

In the next verses it says if we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. We don't have to act up to get His attention, we already have it. Micah 6:8 says that all God requires is for us to walk humbly  with Him. True humility has us walking alongside Him, but never out in front. Never with our fists raised in the air (although I have thrown a few fits with God too....they didn't work.) but with humility.

It takes true strength to lose ourselves enough to be humble with Him. Humility is not weakness, although it is often mistaken for it. Humility says I yield to You and Your work in my life. We become the sheep, and let Him be the Shepherd. That can be difficult for caregivers, especially since we are so used to getting things done. 

Today I will slow down and walk humbly with Him. Not out front, not lagging behind; but alongside Him so I can be with Him on this journey. My meditation will be in Psalm 100 - I will think about how I am one of His people and a sheep in His pasture. I willingly submit my will to His today and let Him shepherd me. I will ask Him questions - and then wait for His answers. Will you join me? 


Present Continuous Action

At the end of the day, we have to be honest with ourselves about everything. I have to look back and wonder if I fully trusted Him or if I tried to take the control of situations on myself.

Yesterday, we discussed Psalm 91 and today I want to look at one little phrase: I am trusting Him. It's found in the last part of verse 2. It demonstrates the present continuous tense. It means, I am trusting Him right now - and I will continue to do so into the future.

There are so many things in the caregiver's day/life that are unpredictable. We never know when our loved one might become ill, or suffer a fall even though we are careful and take the necessary precautions. Shipments of supplies often get lost and we have to make purchases to make up the difference; or aides don't show up at their scheduled time. I've had case managers and nurses call to come by at the drop of a hat. And in my instance, I never know exactly how my son is going to take any given day. Some days he's compliant and relaxed and others he is uptight and resistant for no apparent reason. After a while it can all start stacking up into a very unpredictable mess. We can find ourselves in a state of constant change trying to keep up with the craziness of each day. (Just a personal note - for us "Type A's" this can be very difficult! ) (smile)

No matter what a day brings all I know is that every day we continue to trust Him. When this caregiving journey began, Psalm 121 became very real to me. Verse 2 says My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth. I knew that we had excellent doctors and medical professionals working with my son - but they were not my help. Only the Lord could help. As the caregiving journey has continued, the depth of trust has deepened. I am trusting Him. I have been trusting Him, continue to trust Him today and the action of trusting will continue on into the future. I'm not looking for any other options.

While my son was in ICU his friend lent me a guitar. I wrote a simple song based out of Psalm 121 using basically the same words. You can watch it via my Facebook page if you'd like using this link. I recorded it in my son's hospital room. It's my declaration that I will continue to trust Him no matter what a day or life throws at me.

Today I will meditate on how He is my help whether I have human "help"' or not! I will turn my thoughts to how He watches over our souls and protects us from the inside out. My mind will be set on His ever-abiding presence and I will rest in Him. Will you join me as we continue to trust Him?

Rainy Days and Mondays

I'm a 70's child and I remember when "Rainy Days and Mondays" was popular on the radio.It's got such a smooth sound it can get stuck in your head. For the caregiver "Mondays" doesn't mean too much really, since everyday  can look pretty much the same.

We get up on Monday mornings with just as much to do as we had when we got up on Sunday morning. The caregiver's responsibilities don't change much, if any, from day to day. I usually try to make some small variances on the weekends, like letting my son sleep in just a little bit longer; but the primary responsibilities do not change with the day of the week. When you are caring for another whole person these do not change much. There's still bathing, pureeing foods, feeding, transferring, dressing, and lots of other things that have to be done every single day. If we are blue because it's Monday, we are likely blue every day of the week!

I went in search of one of the scriptures we, as good church people, learn as a child. This is the day the Lord has made - we will rejoice and be glad in it.  I found it in Psalm 118:24. For the caregiver everyday is the same - for all of us - everyday is the day the Lord has made and has given us. Our attitude determines how we handle the situations we will face on any given day; and we will face them! There's always something! Aides who don't show up (if you're lucky enough to have one at all), supplies are not delivered on time, an appliance breaks, you run out of briefs or wipes, any one of a thousand things can happen in a caregiver's day - and usually does. It's our attitude that determines our day - not the day of the week. Mondays are just like Fridays which are just like Tuesdays and Wednesdays....they are all days He has given us with our loved ones.

Rather than thinking about how today is Monday and it's supposed to be rough, I'm going to shift my thinking to the fact that each day is a gift from Him. The psalm that contains this verse is full of praise to the Lord for all He has done. At the very beginning the psalmist lists a few things He's done like:

  • He is good and His mercy endures forever
  • I called on the Lord and He answered me
  • The Lord is on my side
  • The Lord is for me
Having a rough day? Just pick one of these to meditate on today. Let it mold our attitudes into one of thankfulness for all He has done. It's all about focus.

Today I will meditate on how God is on my side - and  He is for me! As I go about the caregiving tasks that are necessary I will think about how He gives me the strength to carry on. My thoughts will be on how He really is for me and not against me; and He is for me when it feels like life is against me! I will be thankful today that He is with me. Will you join me?

My Times are In His Hands

I can't even begin to imagine what Job went through. If you go back and read the first chapters of Job you'll see how he lost his children, his wealth and sustenance, his possessions and even his health. Sometimes I read Job when I think I can't handle anymore. Early on in my caregiving journey (and sometimes even now) I feel a great sense of loss. I had rid myself of my possessions and was headed to the mission field when my son was involved in the accident. When he was going to be released to "go home" I had nowhere to take him. Add that to losing who he was and I dealt with a heavy sense of loss for a long time.

I compensated for the losses I felt by buying anything I wanted. I'd see a movie, a book or a piece of furniture I liked and I'd buy it. It took me some time to realize I was making purchases and other allowances in my life to try and make up for the great loss I felt. I say that to say only on a very small scale can I begin to understand the enormity of loss Job had to feel. Even Job's friends didn't know what to say in the situation. When they heard of his tremendous trials they came and sat with Job. They sat in silence for seven days, because there really wasn't anything to say. I so appreciate my friends who have been present through this journey even though they may have been uncomfortable and didn't know what to say or do, don't you?

In Job 13:15, he declared, though God slays me - I will trust Him. I've heard it said that this was a lack of faith on Job's part. But I think that it was the ultimate statement of trust. Job was pretty much saying that no matter what the journey brought he was going to continue to trust the Lord.  Even though he was faced with huge losses Job clung to God. I can't say I've had that much tenacity in my situation. I've been angry and didn't care what role God wanted to play in my life. How could He let all this happen? I know nothing happens that doesn't cross His desk for approval first.

And yet gradually I worked my way back around to trusting Him for the journey. Eventually, I was able to say once again that no matter what life brought - it's better with Him than without Him. I found that He was patiently waiting. He wasn't angry, He didn't cast me away; but His gentle presence welcomed me freely. My times are in His hand declared the psalmist. (Psalm 31:15) I must rest in that truth and continue to trust Him.

Today I will meditate on trusting Him more fully. I will not worry about losses, I'll concentrate on His gentle presence in my life. I will rest in Him and trust that my times are in His hands and He's as committed to this journey as I am. Will you join me?

Breath of Life

You can probably tell by now (assuming you're still reading) that I like Psalm 119. It's the longest chapter in the Bible but it is so rich. Today we'll look at verses 153 to 160. David starts out with a plea for the Lord to consider his affliction. Ever felt that way? There are times we can feel very loved and watched over and the next thing you know we feel like He's packed up, moved away and left us to ourselves. (or maybe that's just me!) David must have felt some of those emotions to ask God to consider him once again.

Something that seems to stand out in these few verses is David's request to be revived once again. It's noticeable throughout the entire chapter but three times in this passage he asked for the lord to revive him.

revive me according to Your Word (v. 154)
revive me according to Your judgments (v. 156)
revive me according to Your mercy (v. 159)

It makes me think that David didn't care what means God used to do it -- he just needed to be revived! Boy, can the caregiver relate to that on some days.Our cry can easily become "give me life!". There are days when the Word seems to be beamed down from heaven straight into our hearts; and days it feels like we couldn't hear God speak if He used an audible voice. But no matter what it feels like on any given day, the word is life. (John 6:63) When we give our attention to seeking Him and His word, it brings life to our soul whether we see it, feel it or not. It goes directly into our hearts and feeds our faith - even when our flesh feels like we are in a major disconnect. 

Caregivers tend to be survivors - we can't help it, really. It becomes our very nature over time if it wasn't before we began the caregiving journey. But sometimes we have to admit we cannot do it ourselves. One thing I've heard myself say is that caregiving has shown me how strong I am; but it has equally revealed my weaknesses. We must learn to trust in Him - more than we trust ourselves.We have to become more dependent on Him and trust Him to breathe His life into us through His word.

Today I will meditate on His word and think about how it breathes life into my spirit. I'll pray for His strength to make the next part of the journey no matter what it brings; and I will rely on His strength instead of my own. Will you join me?

The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...