Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts

The Right Now


 As if caregiving wasn't enough, we've found ourselves working through a historic pandemic. They can be difficult enough to navigate for families but made even more challenging by caregiving. Now, on top of all that was already going on in our nation and world, a large portion of the US is suffering through brutally cold and bitter temperatures. Utility companies were ill-prepared to handle a severe winter storm of this magnitude. Personally, I've stressed quite a bit over how I would take care of Chris if the electricity would go out. It's frightening to think about.

It can be easy to get sucked into a spiraling cycle of worry right now. And that can be a difficult vacuum for anyone to get out of. When I begin to feel the overwhelm, I go back to basics. I try to stop all the crazy thoughts and focus on truth from the Word. This is why it's so important to read the word. If we are hiding it in our hearts like David said, Holy Spirit will help us recall it when we need it.

This morning as my mind began turning toward spinning out of control, I stopped all the noise. That's not always easy, is it?  I reminded myself that I needed to go back to the basics. Those things that don't change with the weather or in response to a pandemic. They didn't change when my son had a wreck and I was thrust into caregiving over 12 years ago either!

I landed in a familiar go-to scripture. Of course, it's in Psalms! lol. Psalm 46:1 is one of my go-tos. God is our refuge and our strength a very present help in trouble. That's where I started. I reminded myself that no matter what life throws at us - God is present. He doesn't avoid issues. Instead - He marches right into them. We talked about how He went out to "find" Hagar in her despair. He walked right into the fiery furnace with the three Hebrew children. He traipsed across the water to His frightened disciples in the middle of a storm. And He is not afraid or hesitant to walk right into our mess today. Acknowledging that He is with us and that He hasn't abandoned us helps shift our thinking. He is present. Now. 

Today, I'll remind myself that He doesn't shy away from the difficulties. He doesn't disappear when things get tough. My meditation will be on how He chooses to walk right into the mess. I'll let my heart rest in these truths today. I will think about how He goes to the extremes and through extremes to get to us no matter where we are. I'll let His peace reign in my heart as I trust Him for my right now. Will you join me?

                                                                                                                                         



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I Will Not Be Afraid

Chris and Deano
Over the weekend, I started a new project. It's a branch of another one I started earlier. Right now I am just studying it, but it might end up being a devotional. I wanted to take a look at the declarations made by the psalmists. Many psalms start out with honest, raw emotions, go into a prayer, and end with a declaration. That's not always the case, but there are lots of declarations made throughout the psalms, and they are usually in the midst of a trial of some kind. 

The declaration in Psalm 3 stood out to me as I started on this journey through the Psalms. As usual, the psalm starts with the problem at hand. David is running from his son, Absalom who is trying to dethrone him. He cries out to the Lord about his situation. Lord, how they have increased who trouble me! Many are they who rise up against me. I think we can relate on some level here. As if caregiving wasn't enough in our lives we have now lived through a pandemic. And as if a health crisis wasn't enough, there has been financial ramifications. If money woes hasn't been enough there is political unrest and rioting in the streets of our land. There is so much strife, hatred, and discontent. 

It can feel like those things that chip away at our sanity and peace are increasing all around, because they are. But like David we can turn our thoughts into prayers. Lord, you are my shield. We can cry to God like David did. And then we can declare: 

I will lay down and sleep - and awake for the Lord sustains me.
I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people (situations, problems, rioters, etc) who set themselves against me all around.

I will not be afraid.....

We can declare freedom from fear - while shaking in our boots. We can declare our trust in God no matter what else this world throws in the mix. He is our glory. He is the lifter of our heads. His blessings are on us no matter what is going on around us.

Today, I will declare I will not give in to the fears trying to rise in my own heart. I will move in a little closer to His heart and let Him hold me close. I will trust Him with today. Just today. Will you join me?

It's Okay to Ask

Sometimes, I am not sure what to do with such a wide range of emotions that are associated with caregiving. There is daily grief over what was, the shaded future, and what could have been. There's a sense of loss that is different for each caregiver. For me, it's the loss of my son although his body is still here. I also feel the loss of relationship with him and the future we were supposed to share as he matured, married and began a career and family. With my mom, it's a different loss due to her dementia. There is the loss of the relationship, as well as the loss of her memories of all the things we shared over the years. The grief, losses, and social isolation can chip away at my heart and soul as I fade into quietness.

As believers, how do we deal with these things? Where is that line of faith? We know all too well that there are no "Christmas Miracles" in real life. Not for us anyway. But that's a lot to carry, isn't it? It can be so difficult to navigate through a wide range of emotions on any given day.

I have to take my heart back to hope. Is there any? Sometimes, it really doesn't look like it - but there is always hope as long as we are breathing in and breathing out.to be honest, I'm not sure I always know what that hope looks or feels like. But since I've made it a practice to hide His word in my heart, my mind wanders over to Psalm 42.

The sons of Korah start the psalm out describing their deep desire for God. They call it a thirst - like the deer longs to be refreshed by the brooks. This first little bit has been used in worship choruses for years, but if you did a bit deeper into the psalm you find that they were trying to find God in dire circumstances, just like we do as caregivers sometimes.

The writers were seeking God in a hard circumstance, not worshipping Him in Sunday morning church. They share feelings of despair, feeling forgotten by God, and oppression of the enemy. For us, the enemy may look like brain injury, dementia, or something else. But our soul becomes disturbed (v.11) like the Sons of Korah.

But then they end the psalm in the most unusual way - with a declaration of trusting Him. They turn to ask themselves - why are you discouraged oh my soul? So, it must be okay to ask, right? I can't tell you how many times (every day) I've asked. And it's okay. Especially when it's followed with - I shall yet praise Him - the help of my countenance and my God. Still declaring in the midst of things so hard to understand - that He is still my God and I will continue to trust whether I can or cannot see.

Today, in the midst of pain, disappointment, and struggle I will declare - You O Lord are the help of my countenance - You lift me up! You are still my help and I will still trust You and praise You. Will you join me?

He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

Time intrigues me and I have studied it a lot. Quantum physics fascinates me although I must say I don't understand it. I'm a very casual student of it. Casual in that I don't dive too deep into it at all - but I still find it fascinating. I actually try to avoid the subject because I can get deep into it and lose hours of my day. lol. But during my private devotions this morning, there it was again.

In Daniel 2, the king requested an interpretation to a dream and God gave the dream and interpretation to Daniel. Since it was a life or death situation, Daniel and his friends were praising God for deliverance when Daniel said, And He changes the times and the seasons (v.21 NKJV). I was like times? When did it become plural? I was also reminded of a phrase I had seen in the psalms and found it in Psalm 31.

David says my times are in Your hands in Psalm 31:15. Personally, this is a statement of trust - saying to God that whatever comes while I am walking this journey through time, I am in Your hand. I camped out in this psalm for awhile as it spoke to me today right where I am...in time.

In verse 15, David is ultimately trusting the outcome of his situations to God when he says, my times are in Your hand. Just before this statement, the psalmist says, but as for me, I trust in You O Lord. When I have prayed and placed or acknowledged my times are in His hand it's been a statement of faith, one of complete surrender and trust. Then, David continues with a prayer deliver me from the hand of my enemies.

As caregivers, our enemies are not always physical. For me, it's fear, doubt, uncertainty, and discouragement for starters. These things war at our souls constantly and they can simply wear us down and wear us out. I believe God can help us face those things that war against our souls. God can deliver us from these enemies of our souls as we continue to trust Him.

Today, I will say one more time that my times are in His hand as I continue to trust Him for today. My meditation will be on His peace and the grace He gives to face this day, this spot in time. I'll trust Him to deliver me from fears, doubts, and all the other things that war against my soul, my mind, will and emotions. I'll take each fear, negative thought, and doubt to Him and express it to Him - give it to Him and trust that my times and my soul are in His hand. Will you join me?

Against all Odds

This morning I woke up with a phrase on my mind. It was simply, trust the process. Yesterday's thoughts about Moses and how God delivered and led the Children of Israel out of Egypt and to the promised land one step at a time were racing through my mind.  I thought of how they crossed the Red Sea, needed water and He provided, needed food and He provided and numerous other victories they had along the way.

Jericho also came to mind and I realized they battled on so many levels and in so many arenas to get to their destination. But then I was a bit perplexed as I wondered what in the world would be my destination. I'm not going anywhere. Sometimes it feels like I'm sitting still and life is passing me by and I withdraw further into the caregiver's cave where it is at least perceived as safe. But I don't want to stay there - not really.

And it's at that moment determination arises once again and I resolve to find ways to live outside the box life has tried to enclose me in. It's easier to fade into the cave and live in a little box. There's no fear of being interrupted since most won't venture in. Not even church people. lol

Then this story comes to mind. It's in 2 Samuel 23:20-22. It seems like it was just dropped there by accident. These three verses describe the warrior, Benaiah. He did some mighty heroic acts but I want to focus on one. Verse 20 says he chased a lion into a pit and killed it - on a snowy day. Two things stand out to me, one that he chased the lion into the pit to kill it instead of playing it safe and running the other way. And two, he found his footing on a snowy day and managed to wrangle and kill a lion. He was in a predicament, but he prevailed.

I think of the caregiver - thankfully there are no physical lions in our dens. But we can have some momentous things to deal with. Emotions can rage, finances are slim, friends are few - and that doesn't even cover the stress of actual caregiving. (I could write a book on that one! lol) What I draw from this scripture is that against all odds - Benaiah won. Perhaps it was driven by anger (what did that lion do anyway?). Maybe it was sheer determination. Who knows what he was thinking - but he didn't let it go and he refused to be defeated.

We are faced with a similar choice. We can either be defeated by our circumstances and give up or walk away or chase it down and remove it from the equation. And this is where I am today. I'm staring at this lion of emotional strain, exhaustion, and many other elements that go along with caregiving. Do I choose to succumb and let it just have me and fall apart? Or do I choose to chase it down and defeat it? I'm determined to write a happy ending to my story. So as it all tries to close in on me today I'll stand up and say "Enough!"

Today, I'm going to trust Him for lion-chasing emotion-managing strength. My thoughts will be on how He provides, He loves, He cares for me. I'll follow Paul's advice to Peter (1 Peter 5:7) and I'll cast all my cares, worries and anxieties over on Him and let Him carry them for me. I will pray for Him to show me the lions in my life - and I will chase them down - and I will win!!! Will you join me?

The Macedonian Call

In Acts 16, Paul has a dream in which a man is pleading for him to come to Macedonia. In verse 10, Paul says he could only assume "God was calling us to preach the Good News there." (NLT) And they left immediately for the journey.

Once they got to Macedonia, there was good; and there was bad. They met Lydia - a true blessing. And then they met a deomon-possessed fortune teller who taunted them. When she came to know the Lord, her masters knew the loss of revenue they would suffer and caused a huge uprising against Paul and Silas and they were wrongly accused and tossed in a jail cell.

Of course, God worked even that out for good as when they praised Him from that dark, prison cell, He loved it so much He joined in with them! The earth began to respond when earth's praise met heaven's joy and everything started shaking and they were set free and many people were saved.

In light of the good that came out of that - it's interesting what Paul said about their Macedonian trip.  In 2 Corinthians 7:5, Paul says this: When we arrived in Macedonia there was no rest for us. Outside there was conflict from every direction, and inside there was fear.

What? THE Apostle Paul said that? When so much good was going on and so many were coming to know the Lord? Yes. Even though we have no record of his emotional journey to Macedonia, he reveals his fears to his readers later on. I'd have to say that in many ways as a caregiver, I feel conflict on every side and fear inside. A lot.

The next verse in 2 Corinthians 7 though says this: But God, who encourages those who are discouraged, encouraged us by the arrival of Titus. We need more Tituses. Most of us in a caregiving position are not going to be blessed with a Titus, a fellow believer, who will come and encourage us today. But God is faithful and He's creative too - He will find a way to bring encouragement.

For me today, it was in finding the lyrics to a song I wrote back in 1988. Here are the lyrics:

Macedonia
When I fail at life's little problems
You are there.
When I feel like I failed the test,
You still care.
No matter how low I feel I go,
You're still there.

All the problems all the cares of Life
Don't change the truth 
You're still there.
Nothing depletes Your strength and power
For nothing can change your love
You still care.

Even in the darkest night
There's nothing to compare
For it's all broken up...by Your light.
The strongest night can't take away the truth
You're still there.
(C) November 29,1988 J Olinger

I have no idea what I might have been going through at the time. But now I know that there were many dark days in between then and today. I had not yet faced the darkest night of my soul. But two phrases stuck out to me last night when I came across this yellowed paper. One - nothing depletes Your strength and power and the other one - the strongest night can't take away the truth.

I have rolled those over and over in my mind since I found this sheet of paper. I have to say, it's stood the test of time. He is still strong and on the throne - my situation did not dictate His removal! And no matter how dark the nights may have been - His truth still stands. My situation has no bearing on the truth - His truth is still the truth.

Today I am going to meditate on these two phrases. And I'm going to rejoice in the fact that even if I live in Macedonia, (fears within/conflict without) His truth, strength and power are not only unaffected by it - but He continuously perfects them in me. I'll think about how His strength is made perfect, mature, and complete in my weaknesses. And I'll smile, because I feel so very weak - and I'll yield all of that to Him to work with today - will you join me?

Famine of the Soul

Have you ever had those days where you feel like life is dragging you into the deep dark mire of depression? You can feel its grip tightening with every breath and it's reflecting in every sluggish move. I have to admit I feel that way today. I can't blame it on any one thing - but a series of events have had this effect on me and honestly I don't always know how to get out or break its grip.

As I opened my Bible this morning, mostly out of habit to be truthful, my eyes fell on a couple of verses out of Psalm 32. Verses 7 says this: You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance. 

This is what I call a "two-way" psalm because between verse 7 and 8 it changes from second person to first person - like God is answering the psalmist. These are cool to me because it's like God interrupts the psalmist mid stream to get His thoughts in. Because verse 8 just pops out of nowhere with: I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.

So that got my attention and I thought about it a bit and then turned a page and saw this in Psalm 33:16-18:

The king is not saved by a mighty army
A warrior is not delivered by great strength.
A horse is a false hope for victory;
Nor does it deliver anyone by its strength.
Behold the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope for His lovingkindness,
To deliver their soul from death
and to keep them alive in famine.

I think the biggest issues of being a caregiver are not physical but emotional which is our soul. We can live in a sort of famine of the soul where our emotions stay raw and open. Even though becoming a caregiver bringing about some physical changes, it's the soul that is ravaged by grief. Our soul gets its workout everyday just trying to navigate through all the emotions. But God will keep us alive in this famine of the soul.

Both of these psalms speak of His eyes being on us. I have to trust that no matter what I feel or face He is watching over me. I have to trust that He will instruct me - and I will hear Him. I have to trust that He is always watching, always listening and always ready to step in when I can't bear anymore. Well, I don't usually really give it all to Him until I get to that point. So today - I'm at that point! (smile) So I choose to give it to the One who is watching over me...one more time.

Today I'm going to try to consciously give Him my grief, pain, tears and struggles. I can't see Him watching over my soul and I can't feel Him rescuing my soul from famine; but I'll trust Him anyway. I will choose to trust Him to heal and protect my soul today. I'll lean in to Him with just a little more effort and trust He sees all, He knows all, and He's got my back today. Will you join me?

Are There Two of Me?

One of the things I've found caregivers must learn to deal with is the wide range of emotions. I'm not even talking about the "big stuff" like depression and the like. I'm talking about the day to day fluctuations of sadness to joy, contentment to unrest. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks they are emotionally schizo. One minute (or second depending on the day) I'm so happy and things are going well, and the next I've bottomed out and feel like a failure as a caregiver. On any given day emotions can vary greatly. My son does something new and I'm full of joy but then the next second I think that I should be celebrating his marriage or his first child instead of the fact he finally touched his nose. Is this just me? 

This morning in my daily reading of scriptures I found something of interest to me in Psalm 108.The first 5 verses or so David talks about how glorious God is. He seems to be full of praise and waiting for God's answer to his prayers. Then his tone changes; and the last three verses are quite different. Now the last verse was a popular song in the 70's church, We sang and sang about how valiant God is and how He was going to tread down our enemies. It was a fun, uplifting song. But this morning I noticed that just two verses back - David wasn't feeling it.

In verse 11, David feels as though God has rejected him. So in just a couple of verses, he goes from Where did you go, God?  to God is a valiant warrior who is treading down my enemy. And just for today - I could relate. One second I feel totally abandoned by God - left alone in this world to deal with a trying situation; and the next I know that it is God who is giving me strength to fight this battle and I can sing His praise. Sometimes I feel like there are two of me - two extremes - extreme despair all the way to extreme thankfulness... and you know what? It's okay. God gets me. And He is beside me as a valiant warrior to defeat my enemies (fear, doubt, confusion....)

So today I will meditate on the first 5 verses of this chapter. I will like David, determine to sing to the Lord and offer up praise - even if it is a sacrifice. I will sing of His loving kindness, mercy and truth. Those things don't change based on our circumstances.  I will exalt Him in my heart and let Him reign over my crazy feelings. Will you join me?

Has it Come to This?

I don't know what David was going through when he penned Psalm 55, but this morning I can relate to many of the sentiments he shared. He uses words like pressure, trouble, anguish, terror, fear, trembling and horror to describe what he was going through. I certainly would not say that caregiving is all that! Actually, caregiving isn't always the worst part of what we deal with - it's the rest of life.

There have been many times I have had thoughts like David's Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away ant be at rest. Behold, I would wander far away, I would lodge in the wilderness.

We must admit that caregiving can take a lot out of you. It's not a burden as such, but dealing with all the issues that are involved can really wear you down. Then add life to the equation. For instance, my mom is in early stages of dementia and we are dealing with that. For me that means lots of talks with my daddy and siblings. And just about the time you feel you've got it under control - something else happens. My daddy was just diagnosed with cancer - it's early on and there are tests to do but as you can imagine (and may have experienced) just hearing the "c" word can be devastating.

With all these life things on my plate, I would really like to fly away and be at rest! David goes on through this psalm to discuss his situation and share his feelings of despair. I'm sure many can relate. But in verse 16 he says this: As for me, I shall call upon God. Then he ends the psalm with this phrase: I will trust in You.

Isn't that always what we come back to? No matter what life throws at us, whether we are dealing with caregiving itself or all the extraneous stuff that goes with it - It all comes down to trusting Him. Period. While we were finding our new normals in caregiving, we trusted Him. Through the many disruptions of life - we trusted Him. Through divorces, abandonment, illness, betrayal, haven't we seen it all?  We still trusted Him.

And that's what we will do with today: trust Him. That's really what it all comes down to isn't it? We've made it this far - trusting Him; and we will continue to make it trusting Him. That's what it's been, will be today and will continue tomorrow. No matter what life throws our way - we will trust Him. We've trusted Him thus far - and He has not washed His hands of us yet. And the good news is that He is still patiently waiting for us to come to Him....to trust Him.

Today I will meditate on simply trusting Him for each breath. My thoughts will be on His faithfulness instead of my faithlessness. I will just continue to trust Him. Will you join me?

On this Journey

Ever have one of those days when you just need to be reminded that He is with you? I've had a few. He can send subtle reminders that He is near through a beautiful sunset, a rainbow stretched across the sky or the laughter of a child. Somehow these little lights in our day can help us remember that He is with us and He has not placed us on this earth and forgotten about us.

I try to remind myself that we have the promise that He will never leave or forsake us. That is found in Hebrews 13:5 but it's actually a quote from Deuteronomy 31. In this chapter Moses is prepping the Children of Israel for a shift in leadership. He first tells the people that God is not leaving or forsaking them. Then he turns to Joshua and tells him that God is going with him and will never leave or forsake him.

Then in Joshua 1:5 when God gives Joshua his charge He specifically tells Joshua again that He will never leave or forsake him on the journey. Hebrews is just a re-quote of what God told Joshua and the Children of Israel as they were preparing to go on into the promised land.

Something else that is in all three of these passages is the reminders to be strong and courageous; and to not be afraid. Since God has our back, what is there to fear? He is with us, no matter where we are in life's journey and therefore there is nothing to fear. We as caregivers can be forced to face many fears from what being able to provide for our loved ones, to providing proper care to what will happen when we are gone. But no matter what kinds of crazy thoughts (and even rational ones) go through our minds He is with us on this journey. You know, God is omnipresent; He is everywhere - He has to be with us - He has no where to go! (smile)

I just need to be reminded that He is with me right here, right now. I'll close out today with the words to a song I wrote many years ago - they seem appropriate.

How could such a great God dwell among us?
This mighty One of Israel
God of power and of all might
yet in our hearts He longs to dwell.

I can't comprehend His great presence
as heaven and earth He does fill
But His choice of habitation
is in a heart that is still.

Today my meditation will be on how God could be and live anywhere  but He chooses to live in me. I will meditate on the truth that He is with me because He wants to be; I will allow my heart to smile at His presence. Will you join me?

The Thing I Fear Most

In Job's lament found in chapter three, he made a statement that faith-ers have used against him for years. He said: the thing I greatly feared has come upon me.(KJV) As a caregiver there can be many fears that we have to deal with. Our fears might lead to questions like:

  • What if I can't provide for my loved one?
  • What if I get sick and can't take care of him/her?
  • What happens to my loved one once I am gone?
These are all valid fears and are running around somewhere in the back of our minds most of the time. Because they are not imminently upon us we don't have to think about them too often; but they are still there. Another fear that I have had is that I would become bitter through the ordeal. It's been one of my most frequent concerns and the center of many prayers that the Lord would help me in my quest to prevent bitterness from setting in.

Caregiving can take a toll on you - but it's the rest of life (which we are not exempt from) that can take you down. We all have those times when we feel like everything is crashing in and we have to face our fears. How do we walk through this valley and keep a positive attitude? It's too easy to feel abandoned by other people, and life itself. We're just hanging here with a choice. How am I going to deal with this? Are we going to cave in and be angry and God and everybody? Or are we going to stand up, adjust our clothing and take life on one more time?

Isaiah 26:3 is a scripture that comes to mind in times like this. It says You will keep him in perfect peace - whose mind is stayed on You. To me, perfect means mature. When we keep our minds fixed on God instead of our situations He provides perfect peace or a mature peace; a peace that stands. My job is to refocus my thoughts on the Lord and keep them from gravitating toward my situation or life's events. 

Today I will shift my focus to God's word and allow it to be my meditation. I will purposefully turn my thoughts to the God I trust and keep them off the troubles of life. I'll think about how I trust Him to see me through and I will allow His perfect peace to invade my heart as I let go of frustration and fear. Will you join me?

No Disclaimers for Caregivers in the Bible!

Did you ever read a scripture and wonder if it could really apply to caregivers? When I first started the caregiving journey I thought for certain that there were some scriptures that would no longer be applicable to life. But as my emotions settled down and I adjusted to my new "normal" I found that there is not one disclaimer for us in the Bible.

This weekend I was reading Psalm 119 - one of my all time favorites. I was surprised at how many times David speaks of the word reviving his soul. In verse 25, he says:  my soul clings to the dust, revive me according to Your word. Who knows what the psalmist was going through to feel like his soul (mind, will and emotions) were having to be scraped up from the earth just to go on! I've had a few days like that - just like every other caregiver. I guess where I found comfort in this scripture was realizing that the word is not void because I'm in a caregiving situation. There's no disclaimer that says His word can revive my soul unless I'm a caregiver - or unless anything.

His word still gives power; it still gives life. And we still have the responsibility of hiding it in our heart - where the word can do it's best work. I like the preceding scripture too - v. 24 states: Your testimonies also are my delight and my counselors. Oh how I need His word to bring life and delight back to my weary soul! I also find comfort in knowing that His word can offer wisdom for dealing with different situations. But once I again, I have to tune my ear to hear Him and my heart to truly listen.

He did not offer a disclaimer which nullifies the power of His word in the life of a caregiver; and we are not exempt from following Him, listening to Him, hiding His word in our heart, etc.

Today I will meditate on the power of His word in my "messed up" life. I'll set my mind and heart on pursuing Him and listening to His heart in mine. I won't "check out" today - will you join me?

Can we just be Honest?

There are some topics that caregivers are not going to discuss with others - not even other caregivers. Our emotions can be too raw too much of the time and there's no place where the pain or grief totally stops. Many days we just suck it up and continue to care for our loved one and give no regard to our own emotions and feelings. Sometimes this is how we actually survive the difficult role we must play for another. We can get very absorbed into their care and forget about our own pain and suffering. But then there are times when it can all come crashing in on us; emotions and thoughts run through our hearts and minds like crazy. What do we do with the rushing river?

As I was reading Psalms 15 this morning one phrase really stuck out to me.

O Lord, who may abide in Your tent?
Who may dwell in Your holy hill?
He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness
And speaks truth in his heart.
Psalm 15:1,2

No matter how good or how bad our day is going or how crazy our emotions might be today - we can always speak the truth in our hearts. It's actually very important to be honest about our feelings and the things we may be dealing with. God already knows - and when we pray - we have no need to shroud the truth. By simply being honest with him about our fears, doubts, mistakes and pain - we have free entry to His presence. And that is where we are refreshed and gain the strength to face one more day of caregiving.

Why would we try to conceal the truth of what we hold in our hearts? Are we afraid He will be disappointed in us? Perhaps we feel that He will reject us if He saw it all. But He already sees it all - and loves us anyway. He has the power to walk with us in the furnace so that we are not consumed by the fire. He carries us over the stormy waters so that we are not overcome by its waves. He is the only thing that is stable in our lives - let us run to Him with all of our questions and concerns.

Today I will meditate on His ever abiding presence and rejoice that I can literally tell Him everything. He will think no less of me because I do! I'll rejoice in His acceptance today - and turn to Him in my pain and grief. Will you join me?

Out of Context

Did you ever feel like your whole life was "out of context" with the rest of the world? Don't take me wrong - I'm okay with where I am (right now) - but sometimes I watch everyone else is this highly socialized world talk about going to do this and going to do this while I feel I am captive in my own house. The absence of a real social life can be very draining; but we cope; in our own out of context ways!

I thought about being out of context as I was reading Psalm 22 today. We almost always hear verse 3 separated out from the previous verses. Pastors and song leaders use verse three to try and get us to "worship" and invite God's presence in -- but isn't He already here? They tell us He is "enthroned on praise" and that is true - but it's the praise our broken lives gives birth to if you look a the first two verses. Actually, we only hear verse one on Easter - My God, My God why have you forsaken me?  But when have we ever put these scriptures together? The first two verses are the psalmist crying out and feeling separated from his God. the next couple it seems he's trying to remind himself who and where God is. Have you ever felt separated from God? We know we are not -- but it can certainly feel like it sometimes.

The rest of Psalm 22 is like the first few verses. David cries out from his fear, abandonment, trouble, and helplessness. And then he will remind himself once again of God's faithfulness, strength and presence. Sound familiar? -- it sure does to me!! (It's okay - I'm used to being alone! lol)

In the culture of the church we've not been allowed to express our feelings of hopelessness, despair, helplessness or fear. But I think this psalm is a good reminder that it is quite alright to be honest about our feelings; and then try to find God in them - rather than separate from them. How will I know I need His peace if I do not admit mine is gone? How do I run to Him as a fortress if I never acknowledge there is a battle?

It's okay to see our own wretched state -- and bring it to Him with a clean, open, and honest heart. Today I will remind myself that He is close to me in the lowly situation -- He is my fortress because there is  a battle - and He is my strength because I am weak....

If you come looking for me - I'll be running to Him. Care to join me?

The Lord Will Hold Me Close

Psalm 27 seems to have a little bit of everything. David starts out by pretty much disclosing his crazy emotions. He expresses fear and trembling and tries to console himself by saying he will remain confident even if he is attacked. I think many days, as caregivers we can feel like the world continues to attack in an ongoing battle. Our daily struggles can take many forms which can sometimes feel like we were put here on earth to just get others to do their jobs responsibly. (Those who work with health related agencies will understand that one!)

Even as David is consoling himself and working on releasing his fears to God, he begins to think about living in God's house. David states that this is where he is concealed when trouble comes.(NLT) He goes on to say that in God's house he is lifted high above his enemies  and from there he will offer sacrifices, shouts of joy, singing and praise. I am not so sure David is solely talking about the physical temple or tabernacle in Jerusalem. David understood that God was his rock, his hiding place...it looks to me that he was just simply talking about hiding in Him. I want to relearn how to do that.

As the days get tough and continue to be filled with broken, no shattered, dreams and constant pain, or hopelessness we tend to crawl back out away from Him instead of remaining hidden in Him. If we do not protect ourselves we can get so wrapped up in our own pain and fail to keep our eyes on Him - our source of strength. David could get busy running and forget to hide in Him! We are not much different. I've found over the years that we tend to run to our "religion" first - But there is a day that it will no longer make any sense and theological reason is tested and falls short. What a perfect time to return to Him! Theology nor religion can carry us through these days - it will take the supernatural strength of God to carry the load.

David must have understood that even though the struggle was physical, as is ours, he listened for God to call him away. He said in verse 8 - My heart has heard You say,"Come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming."  What a beautiful interaction between man and God! In this moment of surrender David states The Lord will hold me close.

Today I will meditate on letting Him hold me close. I will concentrate on simply resting and waiting patiently for Him. I will let Him be my rock today.

It's All About the Response

A few days ago I began thinking about Cain and Able and how God warned Cain and tried to prepare him for success instead of failure. My real questions were not so much about Cain specifically, but more about why he was the one who received the warning about sin "crouching at the door." Why don't we see that God warned Adam and Eve about what was going to happen? Whey not warn Able that he was about to be attacked? He was the good one after all. So I went back to Genesis 4 and began reading it again.

In verses 3-5 we have a description of Cain and Able bringing their offerings to the Lord; Able's was accepted, Cain's was not. I'm thinking that verse 6 explains why Cain's was not accepted - Why are you so angry?  God asked of Cain. Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you respond in the right way. But if you refuse to respond correctly, then watch out! Sin is waiting to attack and destroy you and you must subdue it. (NLT) There are many points that we could look at but I just want to concentrate on one today. You will be accepted if you respond the right way...

I'll be the first to admit that my response to being thrust into full time caregiving has not always been "acceptable" nor appropriate. It was reasonable - anger is a normal response, fear is too. As caregivers we face many frustrating situations - usually every single day. It can be so easy to become discouraged, upset, frustrated and distraught. There are things that I simply cannot control; but how I respond to each situation can determine my success or failure for the day. I am the captain of my soul said one poet. Although there are many things that I do not have control over and many that I simply cannot change - I am in total control of my response to each circumstance that is presented in a day.

Today I will start evaluating my responses. Am I responding in faith? What is the first thing out of my mouth when something goes wrong? (You really do not want to know!) Cain's response was all wrong even though God gave him ample time to make the correction so that he could stay in right standing with God. How will we respond today to pain of any kind? How will we respond if aides or supplies do not show up? How do we respond when the day collapses around us and we feel like we cannot move or breathe? -- the opposite of Cain, of course!

We are furnace walkers - we must keep walking. Today I will meditate on how He is with me even in the furnace- so that I will not lose heart. And I will remind myself that He is faithful. When my response falls short of righteous - I'll go back to His faithfulness. I'll purposefully take myself out of the center of focus and concentrate on Him and His goodness...that's how I plan on making it through today....

What Time I Am Afraid

Maybe it's just me, but there can be  a lot of fears in caregiving.I am afraid I will hurt my loved one (not purposefully of course), make a wrong decision or just mess something up. It's very difficult to make decisions on behalf of someone else...for me anyway! Then since I am a caregiver to my son I worry about what happens when I am gone? Who will care for him then? There are also concerns about getting older and how that looks now as opposed to BC (before caregiving). If we are not careful thoughts can overrun us and charge our emotions with fear.

That's why this morning I turned my meditation to a scripture that I taught my kids when they were little. It's Psalm 56:3 and it simply says what time I am afraid, I will trust in You. It was written by an adult David while he was not faring too well in battle. What? David was afraid too? Is that possible? We are so conditioned to think that it is a grave sin to be afraid of anything - and so we tend to secretly shake and try to keep our deepest fears hidden. Well, let me be the first to admit: I am Afraid!

There is no sin in being afraid - and it's not lack of faith. The sin is in relying on man to save us instead of trusting in the Lord. David didn't say "I'll never be afraid." He said when I am afraid I will trust. We will get nowhere and remain emotionally immature until we can admit our own feelings of fear and helplessness. And really, until we can get there - we won't trust Him!

So today - I will admit my fears; I will share them with Him. And then - you got it - once again - I will trust in Him.

I'll Take That as a Challenge!

Benaiah got a whole 4 verses in the Bible, but this dude was a warrior of warriors. He actually earned himself the position of being over King David's bodyguard. How? Well in just this short passage we find out that he did several phenomenal things. He killed 2 of Moab's best warriors. He also went into hand-to-hand with an Egyptian warrior; the thing was that Benaiah only had a club and the Egyptian warrior had a sword. I guess Benaiah decided he'd rather fight with the sword so he took the sword away from the Egyptian and used it to kill him. There's no disgrace like being killed with your own sword!

But the thing that I find most intriguing about Benaiah is that he killed a lion. That is enough when you think about the lack of technological and tactical weaponry back then. But he had other factors. Not only was he facing a lion (the king of the jungle!) he was in a pit; and besides that it was snowy which means no place for a good foothold. That's all admirable enough. But here's the one little phrase that keeps running through my mind this morning he chased a lion down into a pit...He then caught  the lion and killed it. Did you get that? He chased the lion into the pit...he wasn't simply defending himself from the lion and just happened to survive - he chased that kitty down there and killed it on purpose!

That's how I want to tackle today. Surmounting challenges start piling up and thoughts of defeat run rampant. Caregivers have so many daily challenges and in so many different arenas it can be tempting to give up and become a victim of circumstances. But not today! Today let us take on the attitude of a warrior. Let's chase our lions into snowy pits and kill them instead of sitting down and letting it have us for lunch! Take today - it's yours. You are still breathing, trusting, living...don't give up - don't give in. I will choose today to forget about passivity and live with purpose and passion. I may not be able to chase down a lion but I can chase down and kill out fear, doubt and any other thing that tries to take the peace He gives me and replace it with fear. Not on my watch! Not today! I'm challenging life back today - will you join me?

Fear Not - You Worm...?

I was reading along this morning and found a great scripture that contains a wonderful piece of instruction to Jacob: fear not. I let my eyes rest on those two little words for a few seconds as I thought about how many fears I face almost every day. (I'm afraid I'll do something wrong while caring for my son, afraid I am not stretching him enough, afraid I'll drop him, afraid I won't stay on top of my growing work load, afraid I'll gain more weight, afraid I won't get to run soon enough....got the idea? 'cause I can go on!!)

 Fear not. Simple, but complex, isn't it? It's easy to say - but difficult to do. Just help me find the button to turn my thoughts off for a minute and maybe I can shut down the fears that come with the situation. I really don't think it's the deepest sense of the word, fear. Sometimes it's healthy to be afraid. Like when you are going to cross the road on foot and there is traffic. It's actually a good thing to be afraid of stepping out in front of a truck! And these lower level nagging fears are not like being consumed with an abnormal fear of what some would call silly things. It's okay to have the sort of fear that brings you some concern. We pay better attention to life that way.

 But here in Isaiah 41:14 - God speaks directly to Jacob (who's been dead for years) through Isaiah the prophet when He says, "Fear not, you worm Jacob." Yeah, I know - I read it several times and in several different versions but they all say "you worm" too.I mean, how low can you go? lol!

 I really don't have some deep theological interpretation for this...honestly, I don't have a clue! But here's what I think about this phrase. It is a stark reminder that He is God...and we are not. And since He is God (and we are not) we do not have to fear from our low position. Just humbly give ourselves to Him again today....then fear not.

The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...