Reminders that Life is Fragile

As if caregiving by itself was not enough of a reminder of the fragility of life, there are plenty of new ones. Just Saturday I learned of three deaths. One was a long time family friend who actually named my daughter, another was a Facebook friend who brightened every day with humor, and the other was a local sportscaster tragically killed in an accident. These all left huge holes in my heart and reminded me that we cannot take a single day with our loved ones for granted.

As a caregiver, every day can be lived in pain - sometimes it's like everything hurts and even the small things are magnified. But when it's big things like watching your mom in the beginning stages of dementia or losing a close friend, it can be more difficult to handle.

Times are tough and emotions are high when you are a caregiver. Many days it takes everything we've got just to keep ourselves together to perform all the associated duties. Let one little (or big) unexpected thing happen and it can throw a wrench into everything and make it difficult to get gathered back up and composed. But yet, we do it again and again because life doesn't give any exemptions to caregivers. We have to keep on with our caregiving responsibilities and deal with the other things life wants to throw at us. Never mind considering our own frailty and fragility - but it is in the back of our mind. And life's reminders make me think of the fears I've shoved back where I don't have to think about them like what would happen to my son and parents if something happened to me?

2 Peter 1:3 tells us that He has given us everything we need for life and godliness. He fills us up with what we need to make another day. I think the trick is in acknowledging that life is fragile and so are we. That's the only way we can allow ourselves to become totally dependent on Him instead of on our own strength. We are caregivers - we know how to suck it up and keep moving. But we also know that if we don't do that - we might collapse into a bundle of nothingness. And just about the time we get it all together something like the sudden death of a friend or acquaintance knocks our props out from under us. It's actually the perfect set-up for us to remind ourselves that we must rely on Him instead of our own strength.

I will miss my friends, but I will remind myself that life is not a given. I know how just one phone call can change everything.

Today I will live with gratitude. I'll turn my thoughts to being thankful for my friends and family. My meditations will be on how I trust Him to give me everything needed to live life well and in Him. I will purposefully spend today thanking Him for the good things in life and shift my focus to the positives - and will not allow the negatives to steal from me today. I will turn my thoughts to His peace and comfort and allow them to rule in my heart and mind today. Will you join me?

Is it Okay to Sing Again?

As caregivers we know that days are full of lots of things. We can easily run on high all day long and still feel like we got nothing done at the end of the day. Perhaps part of this is due to the fact that we do the same things over and over and over day after day after day. This is the way it is when you are caring for another person. It can be a life of repetition with the caregiver doing everything for their loved ones and then those same things for themselves. It's endless, isn't it?

Sometimes I wonder just when it's all going to end. It feels like never. And if I am not carefully guarded, I can slip into a very depressed state and whine a lot. Not that it helps.

BC (Before Caregiving) I was a worship leader in the church. I stayed up on the latest trends in worship music and learned the newest songs. Tragedy has a way of robbing you of the things you love. For me one thing I loved was music. Actually, because my son was a musician prior to the accident, I couldn't even listen to music for a long time. It simply broke my heart. One down beat on the drum and I was a basket case fighting back tears. Over time I learned to suck it up as I made music a large part of his therapy. He responds well to it still, especially his music. I do still leave the room during some of the songs he wrote.

Recently I've been able to come back to enjoy music and particularly praise and worship. I have even returned to writing some music. I actually have the radio on in the van when we are traveling now. There's a song I had to get the words and chords to and have sat down to learn to play. It's amazing how a simple song can lift the heart when we are willing to be lifted.

Matt Redman is just one of the songwriters/lead worshipers I enjoy listening to. One of his latest songs is "Bless the Lord O My Soul." The song is well written in my opinion but the first verse is what stands out to me and it's become my prayer for today. It goes like this:

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning

It's time to sing Your song again.

Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me,

let me be singing with the evening comes.

As rough as the life of the caregiver can get I pray we can always sing bless the Lord O my soul! I like this verse because one phone call changed my entire life just about 7 years ago. I would like to say that I reacted with Job-like acts of worship, but that is simply not true. I tend to throw fits, scream and yell, punch the air and cuss a little (sometimes a lot) before I finally hit my knees. Finding a place to worship is not easy for the caregiver, but it can soften the heart. And this song reminds us that no matter what we face - we can still lift our hearts to God.

Today I will remind myself that God's position on His throne did not change when I became a caregiver. He is forever God no matter what happens on this earth - good or bad. My meditation will be of His endless lovingkindness, mercy and love toward us. I will let my heart return to worship today. Will you join me?

Remembering the Promises

This weekend I went to the Dallas area to run a half marathon. On the night before I took time to take a walk and got back to my room just in time for the rain to start. After it was over this beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky and I had a perfect view of the whole thing. It was wonderful - nearly breathtaking from the 9th floor.

As I sat and watched the rainbow unfold and deepen in color I thought about the first rainbow. The one God painted in the sky after the flood, then told Noah it was the symbol of His covenant with man and the seal of His promise to never destroy man and earth by flood again.


I wonder if Noah and his family were nervous the next time it rained. Did they glance in the direction of the ark and wonder if they should seek safety? Or did they fully trust God's promise to them? Could they rest in His promises? Rest is the key word there for me today. A friend of mine has reminded me of how important it is to rest in Him. She suggested I take some quiet time every day. Those who know me know that I am not a quiet person! My mind and heart go 100 miles an hour 24/7.

BC (before caregiving) I planned my day around my quiet time. No matter what time I had to be somewhere I planned my mornings around getting up in time to have my quiet time before the day got too busy and loud. After caregiving I just hope to get up with a sound mind and I've lain aside that practice. A quiet moment might or might not happen through the day. But I am repentant today and making the needed changes to embrace this habit once again.

I have to go back to a favorite scripture that says Be still and know I am God. (Psalm 46:10) During those times when we quiet our minds and submit it to His word, we remind ourselves that He is still God. Caregiving doesn't change His position on the throne. No matter what occurs on this earth - an earlier verse in Psalm 46 says even though the earth be removed He is still God. Sometimes a simple rainbow can remind us of His eternal promises that are still extended to us today.

For many of us, caregiving consumes the majority of the day (and night sometimes!). But our heart, mind and soul need us to quiet down and be reminded that He is still God. No matter what is swirling around us, and no matter how crazy our day becomes - He is still our God. He is still on the throne and He will remain forever. Somehow for me today just knowing He's still right there brings comfort.

Today I will take time to acknowledge His presence in my life. I will quiet my heart and mind in all I have to get done - and rest in the truth that His promises are eternal and that He hasn't changed a bit since I became a caregiver. My meditations today will be on the truth that He is still God and absolutely nothing can change that. Will you join me?

I'm Not Super-Human?

Caregiving can consume us so much that others and ourselves forget we have other things going on in our lives. Since I started on this caregiving journey I've become a runner, a writer and a grandma! I have another adult child who can really feel like she lost her mom in the deal. And what's frustrating to me about it is that I can't do a thing to change it.

We have started having a mother/daughter weekend every year around her birthday; and we got to make a trip to Indianapolis recently to attend a good friend's wedding. She helps me out a lot and I watch the grandkids sometimes to help her out.

Today she's having a surgical procedure and I can't be there with her. It is certainly not because I don't want to be there for her, it's because there's no one to sit with my son during the week. Even the help I do have (paid or not) have other responsibilities and jobs. Of course, I don't even have an aide right now (one of our chief frustrations). And so today my heart is torn in two wanting to be there for her but being stuck in what can feel like a prison at times.

So what is a caregiver to do when they feel their heart is being torn in two? For me it's run right to the Psalms. This morning when I woke up I started out praying for my daughter and her family. Immediately my heart started singing a psalm we had put to music years ago. It goes like this:

Hear my cry O Lord

Attend unto my prayer

From the ends of the earth

Will I cry unto to You

And when my heart is overwhelmed

Lead me to the rock 

That is higher than I - that is higher than I.

Today I need to be led to the rock that is higher, stronger and wiser than I am! The odd thing is that it's not the caregiving that weighs the heart in situations like this. It's the other life-things that make the journey so difficult. There have been many such situations over the years where I've felt trapped by caregiving. But we adjust, remind ourselves we are not super-human, we cannot be everywhere all at once; and move on.

Today I will meditate on the truth that He holds my heart in His hands. I will think about how He will strengthen me and keep me through this bump in the road. My thoughts will turn to resting in Him and letting Him fill me with peace; and I will wait on him one more time. Will you join me?

At Day's End

Caregiver's tasks are endless and almost every evening I have this sinking feeling like I didn't get enough done. It doesn't matter how much I did get done in a day, I feel like I fell far short of all I needed  to get done. Does anyone else ever feel that way?

We already have enough on our plate just in taking care of another whole person or two. I say this as I not only take care of my son who is total assist, but am shifting into a caregiving role with my parents as well. My son can do absolutely nothing on his own but breathe. I not only have to puree all of his food or blend up shakes to put in his tube, but I also have to take the time to feed him. Each day I bathe him, dress him, get him up, stretch him, stand him, entertain him, etc. It starts early in the morning and goes until late at night. Even when he's in the bed early mornings or late evening he has to be bolused, changed, turned, and kept comfortable. It's my pleasure.

Add to the daily chores of caregiving all the other things that must be done and every single one of us have a full load.  I can't speak for anyone else but I know we all have laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and all sorts of cleaning to do daily. Many caregivers have other children to provide care for or hold down a job. In my situation I work from home as a freelance writer; this can tie up quite a bit of time, especially if I start running behind. I have deadlines I have to meet and I can get pretty stressed out at times. I am learning strategies for keeping up and that it helping some.

Let's just take yesterday for example. I did all my caretaking responsibilities for Chris keeping him, fed, moving and comfortable, providing stimulation and ROM activities plus I completed 3 projects for clients and then went to taekwondo to complete my requirements for belt testing. But when I got home and got my son in bed, all I could think about was how much I had left to do. Even though I did quite a bit for a day- I felt so inadequate at the day's end. This is my typical late night activity. I look back over the day and think about what I did. Most of the time I feel disappointed and like I need to do so much more. It's a vicious cycle.

I turned to the wisdom of King Solomon for some direction and help. In Ecclesiastes 2:20 the wise king says So I turned in despair from hard work. It was not the answer to my search for satisfaction in this life. Interesting, huh? He tried working hard and then he tried hardly working and came to this conclusion he shares in verse 24: So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that this pleasure is from the hand of God. For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from Him? God gives wisdom, knowledge and joy to those who please Him.

Caregivers do not have life easy no matter what their situation is. It can feel like life has dealt us an unfair blow and we just can't live life like everyone else. But we can be satisfied in our work, and we can be satisfied in our God! I really believe that God is pleased with our caregiving efforts and that we bring Him pleasure because we look like Him. 

Today I am going to smile and give myself a break. Even though I may feel like I always fall short - my efforts are pleasing to Him. I will embrace the truth that He is pleased with my actions as a caregiver and I will relax in Him today. My thoughts will be on how much He does for me - and how He takes care of me (that's a full time job too) and I will allow myself to be content with whatever I can reasonably get done in a day. I will let it all go and let Him be my joy for today. Will you join me?

Aged to Perfection

After a very busy weekend away, I sat down with my coffee this morning and opened my Bible. The Bible I've been using is still packed in my bag, so I grabbed the closest one and it fell open to Isaiah 26. I read through the entire chapter but my eyes and my mind went back and settled on  verse 3. My mom taught me this verse as a child. It says: You will keep him in perfect peace all who trust You.

I grew up with the old King James Bible being the "only" Bible and it states the last portion as whose mind is stayed on thee. The verse has significance to me because my mother had what was called a "complete nervous breakdown" just after I was born. She spent months in a mental hospital all drugged up and endured the maximum number of shock treatments. That was the treatment of choice back in the early 60s. So I grew up listening to her quote this scripture as part of her testimony of how God had brought her out and healed her; and I learned to meditate on scriptures to find peace in my own heart and mind.

As I thought about this scripture this morning I kept rolling the phrase "perfect peace" around in my head. It led me to thinking about another place in scriptures where "perfect" is used. It's in 1 John 4:18 and it says Perfect love casts out all fear. In years past, I've done teachings on "perfect love" and talked about how imperfect we are - but that perfect means mature. To be mature would mean it's been through some stuff and made it.

Caregivers have been and are still going through some stuff. We are by no means perfect; or at least I'm not! When my son first had his accident and I was sitting there with him, I often wondered what I had done wrong to cause this to happen. It took me months to come to any sense of peace in the matter - maybe even more like years. I had anything but  peace. My life was disrupted and put on hold. I was doing what I thought God had called me to do and if I was following Him and (at least what I thought was ) His plan - how could this happen?  What did I do wrong?

It took me a long time to sort through to peace and to anything that even remotely resembled trust again. But as my trust in Him aged and came to maturity it grew deeper rather than being discarded. I didn't do anything wrong -- life just happened. I learned to trust once again and I learned to let His peace rule in my heart and mind once again.

Trusting Him is a big part of caregiving. After all, He is our caregiver - He watches over us and dotes over us like we do our loved ones. He is constantly watching and protecting us. He advocates for our peace of mind. As we mature in Him and learn to trust Him even more our peace matures; and so does our love for Him. One might say that our peace and love are aged to perfection like a good wine. Over time, when we train our minds to remain on Him and His word instead of our situations, we gain more peace; and we are able to trust Him more - again.

Today I will meditate on His peace and His love that protect me. I'll turn my thoughts to how they guard my heart and my mind. I will purposefully trust Him more for the strength and wisdom to make it through today. Will you join me?

No Walking Out

I wear a little fitness band by Withings. It tracks my steps each day and at night I can set it to monitor my sleep. Yesterday this is what my sleep looked like! I got in bed late and had some restless sleep and then my son spiked a fever and we headed to the hospital. It ended up not being anything serious - but with him, as with many you just never know. We were back home in just a couple of hours but there are times under similar conditions when we've been admitted and faced a hospital stay. We just never know.

Over time as caregivers we don't really get used to these trips, but we do adjust to them being just part of our lives. fortunately these trips do not occur as often as they have in the past, but they sure wear me out when they do.

Days like today I have to think about my go-to scripture in Isaiah 40:28 that says The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. I sure would like to know how that feels. How can He not get tired? Not only does He deal with millions of people everyday He never sleeps! It makes me wonder why He made us need to sleep. It's always seemed like such a waste of time to me to spend nearly one-third of our day in a horizontal position. I've always tried to get 6 hours of sleep so I'm not wasting so much time.

Since we know God is not sleeping or taking a break, we can rest assured that He is always watching over us. He sees us when we make those 3 AM runs to the hospital. He hears us fussing at Him about how we need more strength and asking Him to help us make through the night. He knows how frustrated we can get with the system. But He never gets tired. He never comes to the end of Himself like I do.

He never shakes His head and walks away. Sometimes I can get the feeling that people get tired of the caregiver's situation. It may be because they really don't know what to do to help or make it better. Since they can't fix anything for us they walk away. God never does that - He just keeps on walking it out with us day after day.

Today I will meditate on the truth that He will not leave me. I'm going to think about how He doesn't get tired of me, He doesn't get frustrated, shake His head and walk out. I will think about how He is the only constant in my life and today I will lean on Him. Will you join me?