What is normal anyway?

One of the difficult things for caregivers (or at least for me) is the emptiness and sense of loss we can deal with on a daily basis. For me, when I look at all the cool things other runners get to do and how they travel and participate in some of the most creative or scenic races - while I sit here in flat Oklahoma and don't get to play....it can get discouraging. Seeing all the things I don't get to do can wear on me and I can battle lots of negative emotions. 

But when I came across Psalm 119:5-6 this morning it helped me refocus. It says this:

Oh that my actions would consistently reflect Your principles!

Then I will not be disgraced when I compare my life with Your commands.

Why am I comparing myself with others? What if I compared myself with the word? Can we find ourselves in these ancient pages? I think so.

I have shared before that as we lay down our lives day after day for our loved ones - we look like Him. I'm reminded of the scripture no greater love....and we demonstrate that daily. Maybe you can see yourself in David - daily facing Goliaths that stand in your way. Or perhaps you identify with Daniel - and feel your faith is tested in a den of lions. We might identify with any one of our Bible heroes. Maybe we demonstrate how patient God is with us by working patiently with our loved ones. 

Maybe as caregivers we are tenacious like Benaiah. He was one of David's Mighty Men. He chased a lion into a snowy pit, fought him and killed him. He stood up against all odds - weaponless against a lion, and killed him while trying to keep his footing in the snow.(2 Sam. 23:20) This could go so many directions - but it boils down to finding ourselves in those pages. I believe we can.

As caregivers we really can't compare our lives to what most would call normal, because we have our own normal. We rarely see ourselves in the entertainment world - no one talks about us. They really don't know what to do with us and our individual situations can elicit emotions in them that they don't know how to process. So we don't see a caregiver's class - we are politely ignored by society. We cannot compare ourselves to that. But we can measure our lives and our hearts by the word. Isn't that the true standard anyway?

Today I am going to shift my focus to what is happening in the word instead of what is happening in the world. I'll make God's attributes my meditations and set my mind on whatsoever things are honest just, pure, lovely and good report. I'll think about what I look like to Him rather than what I think I look like to everybody else. And I will curl up in His lap - let Him hold me - and I will rest in Him for one more day.Will you join me?

Freedom is in the Wait

I got up this morning with the tasks of the day wearing on my mind. Do you have mornings like that? It seems like the alarm not only wakes up your body, but it wakes up the mind and signals it to start running (or thinking) a marathon. That's what it was like for me this morning.

Over the years, I have learned a few strategies that help with that a bit. I write down what I have to do for the day now and prioritize what has to be done first. It seems like it helps me get more organized and get more accomplished in a day. But it doesn't help slow my mind down one bit. Actually, it seems like it frees it up to run other races.

My usual morning goes something like this:

• push snooze 3-4 times when the alarm goes off at 5:30
• drag out of bed around 6
• put on coffee
• change and bolus Chris
• get coffee, Bible, notebooks and laptop and head for the recliner
• stare at wall sipping coffee while my mind goes through daily tasks at 100 mph
• open Bible......try to make sense of what God is trying to say......

That's about it - every morning.

This morning my Bible fell open to Psalm 119 and the first verse I saw was 45 which says I will walk in freedom for I have devoted myself to your commandments. And off went my mind in a hurried rush. As the question queen I had about 100 of them rolling out of my mind immediately. I thought about how David must not have been a caregiver because freedom is something we definitely don't have. It's something we gave up to be able to care for our loved one. Our lives seem to be anything but free. 

My mind starting racing about true definition of freedom and how my freedom isn't measured in the natural - but in the spirit. Jesus said it is the truth that makes us free. BC (before caregiving) I participated in prison ministry and one of the most touching songs I heard was written by a prisoner who wrote about being free in Christ even though he was living a life behind bars. As caregivers it can feel like life has us on restrictions. That can be difficult to sort through.

But what did the psalmist know about freedom? Or what did he know about the lack of freedom?And why did he throw it in here - in the middle of this psalm? I think he saw God's word as a liberating factor in his life. David had spent years running from Saul, waiting for the promise of kingship. He never raised his hand against Saul even though he could have rightfully taken the throne God had promised him. Instead, he waited.

There's that four-letter word wait again. It keeps coming up doesn't it? Is it just me or does it feel like every day is spent waiting on Him anymore? What are we waiting on Him to do? In truth - He's waiting on us too - He just wants us to bring it all to Him. All of it. All our fears. All our doubts. All our frustrations. All our anxiety. He says to bring it all to Him - and He'll take it as a trade-in for rest. 

That's what Paul said. He said to give Him all your cares -  Why? So He can do the caring for you! So we can walk this life free from fear, guilt, frustration, doubt....and that's what our freedom is all about. It's not about being able to come and go as we want (although that would be nice). It's about not having life burden us down - being free in Him.

Today I am going to explore this freedom. My thoughts will be on how truly free I am no matter what my situation looks like. I will meditate on how free my spirit is; and I'll turn my thoughts to how He will take all my cares. He'll take everything I give Him - but nothing I withhold. And today I'll find it in myself to figure out a way to let go - and let God. I'll let Him do the work as I just rest in Him. Will you join me?

Whether or Not You "Need" It

The last few days have been more hectic than usual around my house. I've had friends and family in and out to celebrate my birthday in one way or another. It's been a wonderful weekend and I'm all birthday-ed out. As we go into a new week, I think about how I'll deal with the alone-ness that is surely to creep back up on me.

I think one of the things we have to deal with as caregivers is being alone. As a single caregiver, I can spend a lot of time all alone and since my son is non-verbal I used to go days without even hearing other's voices except on TV.

Thankfully, my online jobs have changed that and I see and talk to people via video calls frequently. I have also had my health coaching classes I watch via video. It's certainly not as good as in-person, real discussions - but it's been better than nothing. Oddly enough, sometimes if I have a lot of outside contact now - I actually deal with over stimulation. I have to chuckle at that, but it's true. When you live in a caregiver's cave the world can be an overwhelming place.

The good thing is that I've had a wonderful few days filled with phone calls, visits and even an outing. But now we are back to the grind. I'm already feeling like I'm in back to the cave mode as I adjust to the many hours alone once again. It was a nice break.

So what's a caregiver to do as the solitude threatens to swallow them up? For me, I'll slide right back into that place I've found in Him. In Psalm 73:28, the psalmist said this But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do. (NLT)

The caregiving journey is similar to any other journey through time - we have the choice whether or not we make Him our shelter. On the rough days I am certainly glad to run to Him and hide from the harshness caregiving can dish out. On the nicer days, I still need the calm of being in His presence and letting Him shelter me.

Today I will be meditating on how He is the ever-present shelter. He protects my spirit and soul from being overcome by the complicated daily routine of caregiving, even when I'm overwhelmed. I will make Him my shelter today (and everyday), and any chance I get to tell someone about how His grace sustains me on this journey - is going to get an earful. But I am going to start with myself. Yes, today I will remind myself of how He has been carrying me for this 8 year (so far) journey. And I will tell myself how He will carry me for another day today. I will rest in him one more day - will you join me?

Small Enough

Over the weekend I found myself going through my Yahoo email. I have been neglecting its upkeep and had tons of emails. I decided to go through it and delete the ones that no longer mattered. I did not realize I had emails from as far back as 2005!

I had two or three from my son, which had obviously been sent prior to his accident in 2008. Among them I found a jewel of an email. In it, he thanked me for being a cool mom, and for all I did for him, specifically in his pursuit of God.

Yes, my eyes did sweat just a bit as I read over the words he typed long ago. I read them as if he meant them today. But past that, he made a statement that I shared on Facebook and I can't seem to shake it. He said this: I'm in God's hands and I'm too small to get out.

I've thought about that phrase and even though it is a few short words, it is power-packed. He said so much by saying so little. Since I read it, I've been thinking about it a lot. I think about the fact of being in God's hands - and being okay with that. My life is not in my own hands even though it is largely governed by the decisions I make. I'm in His hand. In my mind, I picture a huge hand... and I'm cradled gently inside.

But it's really the second part I'm too small to get out that my mind can't let go of. It says to me - It is futile for me to try and get out of God's hand. I'm not big enough, strong enough, or smart enough to figure out how to worm away from His grasp. But it also speaks of surrender. If I realize my own humanness and frailty - I'm not going to even try. I surrender to His hand.

To me, it means I surrender to His protection, provision, and power in and over my life. It means I let  Him hold me, I'm not fighting to get away or trying to get out of His grasp anymore. One scripture that comes to mind is Psalm 95:7 and it says We are the people of His pasture and the sheep of His hand. I always thought that was an odd scripture. Shouldn't we be the sheep of His pasture? And the people of His hand? I used to think the psalmist had it backwards. But we are not just sheep out in the pasture - we are in His hand and in His heart.

Psalm 95:6-7 is a song we used to sing back in the day. Come, let us worship and bow down. Let us kneel before the Lord our God our maker. For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture and the sheep of His hand. Being in God's hand - and realizing we are too small to even try to get out - is not only an act of surrender - but of worship. One of trust. I'm content in His hand - because I do not need to be anywhere else.

Today I am going to think about total surrender to Him. My thoughts will be on trusting Him enough to quit wriggling and squirming around in His hand - and just resting. My efforts will be on finding that place where my soul totally surrenders to Him. And I will be content - and I will rest. Will you join me?

Like A Hamster in a Wheel

This morning I woke up overwhelmed. Ever have one of those days? Before my feet hit the floor my mind was sorting out what seems like thousands of thoughts. My son didn't sleep well, he coughed off and on throughout the night - so I didn't sleep well, I worked all day yesterday and felt like I got nothing done, there's so much to do and lots of it has to be done today, and on and on my mind goes like a hamster in a spinning wheel. Ever have a morning like that? 

Some days are like this where it feels like there are so many things that have to be done now, or needed to be done yesterday. In reality, they are no different than all the same things that I did yesterday and will need to be done tomorrow. :-) Some mornings I wake up in what I call the caregiver's fog; other mornings, like today, I wake up on this hamster wheel realizing all it takes to make it through a day. I'm tired, and I've not even started. Haha, I'm sure I'm the only one, right!?

We are familiar with Psalm 139:23 which says Search me O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts. And then there is Psalm 94:19 that says When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. I am so glad He not only knows about my crazy thoughts, but He also has the answers. Just one word from Him calms my soul and brings in a wellspring of peace.

While I'm looking at this scripture in Psalm 94, my eyes fall on one that seems to stand out across the page. Psalm 95:6 - Come let us worship and bow down, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker. For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture and the sheep of His hand.  I love singing that little chorus, and it might just hold the answer to the craziness of my day.

If we can stop the deluge of thoughts and concerns and just worship for a bit and acknowledge that He is still our God in the midst of the storm - He really can calm the raging storm. It won't change one thing that I have to get done today - but He will give us the strength to face this day. We do not have to have a choir, high ceiling, or a padded pew to acknowledge His presence in our lives. All we have to do is stop, whisper a prayer, tell God how wonderful He is and thank Him for bringing us this far - wherever that is for you; and He will strengthen our hands and encourage our hearts.

Today I'm going to make it a point to let Him carry me away instead of my thoughts and tasks. I will turn my thoughts to how He has been carrying me - and will continue to carry me on this journey. My meditations will be on acknowledging Him as God in my life and on all the things I know He has already done. And I will purposefully rest in Him as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

What's the Difference?

It seems kind of funny for a caregiver to be exploring this being quiet thing since our lives are pretty much anything but that, doesn't it? I mean, come on, most of us get up before the sun to get our daily stuff started and we retire long after the rest of the world is down for the night. There's just a lot to do, period. Add to the "regular" stuff the fact that this is the last week of the month and all the "regular" people like nurses and case managers want to get their visits in all at the same time - and you've got anything but a quiet week!

How in the world is the caregiver supposed to calm their souls when the world around them is constantly in a topsy turvy  state? Some days I'd give a million bucks for 5 seconds of sit-down-and-be-quiet-ness. Wouldn't you?

I do think it is entirely possible to quiet our souls while the world around us, in our own homes nonetheless, is crazed and spiraling. There's a place we can hide in Him where there is contentment and peace even after it seems our world has fallen apart. The true struggle is in finding it - and staying there.

Psalm 23 is probably one of the most popular passages in the Bible and you'll even hear pieces of it quoted even by non believers and in odd places like movies. Let's focus on verse 2 He leads me beside quiet waters. (NASB) Why quiet, or still waters? What does it really matter if we get a drink, right?

There is a place only He can take us to; and we can only go there when we quiet our souls before Him and follow Him like a sheep follows the shepherd. And in that place - the waters flow peacefully and quietly. There's a reason He takes us to quiet or still waters - not just any water will do.

Sheep will not drink from troubled waters. They won't get near a place where the waves are lapping at the bank. But a gently flowing stream they will drink from. Still waters are not threatening; they are refreshing, relaxing and offer a drink for the weary soul. And that's the point to begin with.

The Shepherd of our souls will purposefully lead us beside still and quiet waters to refresh our souls. I love that He is my provider and makes sure I have what I need - all the way down to my soul. He will gently lead us to that peaceful state in Him - the living water that brings refreshment and revitalizes the weary soul. As long as we follow Him - we will find it.

Since I'm honest about my feelings and the caregiving journey, I have to admit there's been seasons along the way when I didn't follow to good. I was angry. Frustrated. Tired and sometimes didn't give a dime. And I didn't care that I didn't care. Life had thrown me a curve ball and I struck out. At least that's how I felt. But as I have returned to Him I've found Him ready, willing and able to lead me back to those still waters where my soul can be refreshed and renewed. He's so faithful - even when I'm not.

Today I will turn my thoughts to His faithfulness and patience with me. I'll meditate on how He longs to refresh my soul and is constantly trying to lead me to still and quiet waters, and how patiently He waits for me to get myself together enough to follow. I'll be looking for those spots of refreshing today as I concentrate on keeping my soul quiet before Him. Will you join me?

Waiting Expertise

I'm pretty much known for voicing my opinion. As you can imagine, I've found myself in many predicaments because I've said the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. My mouth was the reason I took frequent trips to the principal's office during my years in school.
I am also not a good waiter. Oh, I can wait tables - but I'm not good at waiting for stuff, or people either for that matter.

All of this was going through my head as I read Isaiah 30:15 this morning. It's a given that we are going to have times in life when we are just going to have to wait. So it's not really so much about the wait itself - but more about how we wait.

That's where being impatient and mouthy are a bad combination. Now, I have to say I have calmed down a lot over the last few years, but I've not gotten much better at being patient.

Isaiah 30:15 has always stuck out to me for a couple of reasons. So it's no wonder as I was studying about being still over the weekend that it was one of the first to come to mind.

In this scripture, God is calling His people to return to Him and rest. He says Only in returning to me and waiting for me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength. Then it goes on to explain how His people would have none of it. They wanted to seek out their strength from man and his "wisdom" instead. Then on down in verse 18, it says basically that God just continues to wait on them to come back to Him so He can love them. He is so faithful.

I think I don't want Him to have to wait any more. That's the returning part. The waiting - in quietness - is more difficult. I can wait - if I have to. But I'm not real quiet about it. I'm not even very good at waiting in line at the store. I'll fidget and fuss. But you know what, it doesn't make the line move any faster. More recently, I've taken the opportunity to talk with others who are waiting too.

I've had lovely conversations with Veterans, elderly ladies and young mothers who were struggling. Found out, I can learn a lot while I wait in line if I am more observant of what is going on around me. And that just might be the key to waiting.

We already said the first step is to return to Him. Once we are at His feet, waiting is much more pleasant if we just watch what is going on around us. Here in this place where we quiet our souls at the foot of His throne we are going to more clearly see the workings of His grace. Not only around us - but in us. When we get ourselves quieted before Him we can more clearly see what He is doing. When we make a lot of noise we cloud our own view.

Today I am going to concentrate on waiting for Him at His feet. My efforts will be to return my soul to that state of quietly waiting on Him. It's a posture really. My meditations will be on His great grace and love for us and His unrelenting pursuit of us (of me). Today - I will let Him catch me. I will rest quietly in Him and trust Him for one more day - will you join me?