Showing posts with label God is faithful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God is faithful. Show all posts

Beyond Words

 

those eyes
Sometimes, for caregivers, there are no words to express our emotions. We often deal with living grief over a loved one who is still alive, but they are not who they used to be. Personally, I deal with this with my son who is certainly not the person he was before the wreck, he can't do the things he did. Often I avoid Facebook as I see his friends getting married, having kids, enjoying life, and music. It can spark great grief for me as I am thrilled he is now turning his head from the left to right in response to activities. I'm happy when he takes a step when I used to watch him in the marching band. He is gone - but he's still alive.

On the other hand, my mom is in some stage of dementia. She usually still remembers us, but she doesn't recall our lives at all. She doesn't remember the ministry trips we took, the times we played music together, and all the things we shared. She has lost the ability to hold a simple conversation although she can answer some simple questions on her better days. 

There is a great sense of grief and loss always sitting just below the emotional surfaces of my heart. Some days I have to fight hard to not be sucked in. Other days, I can handle it pretty well. So, this morning when I turned to a familiar scripture, I was shocked at the parts I'd missed in my BC (Before Caregiving) days.

I was looking for the verse that says, His mercies are new every morning. That was my thought this morning as I was waking up and I whispered a gentle prayer that His mercies would carry me today. I turned to Lamentations 3 and let my eyes walk down the page to the verses I had marked years before caregiving. Interestingly enough, I found something brand new.

In verse 17, Jeremiah says, Peace has been stripped away and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I didn't recall that part of this passage although it is underlined. Perhaps I read it but lacked the understanding before. He goes on to say, I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. I was like, Yes! Someone understands!

Then, what Jeremiah penned hit home. He said, yet I still dare to hope when I remember the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies, I have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness, His mercies begin afresh each day. 

Is it bad that I was glad someone understood enough to put my emotions into words? I hope not because I was elated that Jeremiah seemed to really understand. Even though I feel like I am sad and grieving beyond words on some days - I pulled out this part of the verse - dare to hope. 

Today, I will dare to hope that it will be better than yesterday. I will remind myself of the unfailing love and endless mercies of the Lord who carries me every day. My thoughts and meditations will be on his mercy, His love, His care of me. I will dare to hope that He will carry me through today. Will you join me?

Streams in the Desert

Yesterday, I paid for a sitter so I could go on a day hike. I chose to go to the Wichita Mountain Wildlife Refuge. It's a vast place with many areas I have not yet covered even though I've been there exploring many times. I always learn from nature, maybe that's why I am so drawn to keep going back. Several things stood out to me but one thing I kept noticing was beautiful little flowers growing along the rocky terrain. 

Over the miles, I kept seeing these colorful patches of flowers in such unlikely places. I wondered how they grew in such adverse conditions. But all it took was a little bit of soil and a few drops of rain here and there to make a desert, wilderness area pop with beauty. Of course, I drew the parallel to our lives as caregivers.

We live in what can be very rocky circumstances as caregivers. On one hand, each day is the same over and over. Yet there are so many unexpected things that become the norm too. I know you understand that! We never know when an aid won't show, we have to call urgent care or the doctor, or what any given day may bring. Many caregivers, myself included, deal with loneliness of unheard of depths because our friends are long gone and the few we have keep a "safe distance" like we have the plague. Even with the bright spots and joys of caregiving, it can be a very difficult, rocky place emotionally.

Yet in the midst of it all, God remains faithful and somehow in those little areas here and there where we think surely nothing could grow- He brings forth beauty. We don't always sense it or see it ourselves, though do we? Yet here and there are pockets of intricately designed beauty wrought by the hand of God. 

He is still intimately connected with us as caregivers. He still brings the rain to water the soil of the driest hearts - even though sometimes they are watered with our tears. God continues to bring beauty from ashes. Actually, He appoints beauty for ashes for those who mourn in Zion. (Isaiah 61:3) I remember reading this and thinking, wait  - there's mourning in Zion? Zion is the City of God - His dwelling place and yet there is mourning there. Wow. Yet He appoints beauty for ashes, and the oil of joy for our mourning - right there where we are.

In our moments of mourning, living grief, sadness, loneliness - God brings beautiful growth. Just like the beautiful flowers in the midst of dry rocky soil - somehow He is able to bring a thing of beauty out of our lives. Oftentimes, we don't see it ourselves, but it's there. His handiwork drawing intricately beautiful spots in the midst of our wilderness.

Today, I'm going to thank Him for continuing to work in me - even in the midst. I will trust that He is bringing beauty even when I don't see it or feel it myself. I pray that others see the beauty He brings  as they are on their own journey of faith. I will ask Him to show me the beauty He as appointed to me - in Zion. Will you join me?

What's the Difference?

It seems kind of funny for a caregiver to be exploring this being quiet thing since our lives are pretty much anything but that, doesn't it? I mean, come on, most of us get up before the sun to get our daily stuff started and we retire long after the rest of the world is down for the night. There's just a lot to do, period. Add to the "regular" stuff the fact that this is the last week of the month and all the "regular" people like nurses and case managers want to get their visits in all at the same time - and you've got anything but a quiet week!

How in the world is the caregiver supposed to calm their souls when the world around them is constantly in a topsy turvy  state? Some days I'd give a million bucks for 5 seconds of sit-down-and-be-quiet-ness. Wouldn't you?

I do think it is entirely possible to quiet our souls while the world around us, in our own homes nonetheless, is crazed and spiraling. There's a place we can hide in Him where there is contentment and peace even after it seems our world has fallen apart. The true struggle is in finding it - and staying there.

Psalm 23 is probably one of the most popular passages in the Bible and you'll even hear pieces of it quoted even by non believers and in odd places like movies. Let's focus on verse 2 He leads me beside quiet waters. (NASB) Why quiet, or still waters? What does it really matter if we get a drink, right?

There is a place only He can take us to; and we can only go there when we quiet our souls before Him and follow Him like a sheep follows the shepherd. And in that place - the waters flow peacefully and quietly. There's a reason He takes us to quiet or still waters - not just any water will do.

Sheep will not drink from troubled waters. They won't get near a place where the waves are lapping at the bank. But a gently flowing stream they will drink from. Still waters are not threatening; they are refreshing, relaxing and offer a drink for the weary soul. And that's the point to begin with.

The Shepherd of our souls will purposefully lead us beside still and quiet waters to refresh our souls. I love that He is my provider and makes sure I have what I need - all the way down to my soul. He will gently lead us to that peaceful state in Him - the living water that brings refreshment and revitalizes the weary soul. As long as we follow Him - we will find it.

Since I'm honest about my feelings and the caregiving journey, I have to admit there's been seasons along the way when I didn't follow to good. I was angry. Frustrated. Tired and sometimes didn't give a dime. And I didn't care that I didn't care. Life had thrown me a curve ball and I struck out. At least that's how I felt. But as I have returned to Him I've found Him ready, willing and able to lead me back to those still waters where my soul can be refreshed and renewed. He's so faithful - even when I'm not.

Today I will turn my thoughts to His faithfulness and patience with me. I'll meditate on how He longs to refresh my soul and is constantly trying to lead me to still and quiet waters, and how patiently He waits for me to get myself together enough to follow. I'll be looking for those spots of refreshing today as I concentrate on keeping my soul quiet before Him. Will you join me?

Patient and Passionate

I like organization. But I'm beginning to think caregiving and organization are distinctly opposed to one another. No matter how much I try to organize or make a schedule to try and keep up - the further behind it seems I get. Playing "catch-up" is a daily game - and I keep losing, or so it seems.

Don't get me wrong - I am SO thankful for my jobs and being able to take care of my son. It's just that it seems like I put off the thing I feel is the most important to me. God.

It's not like I don't want to spend time with Him, it's just that when I get up at 5 each morning I make my coffee (real priorities here!) and bolus and change Chris. By the time I get set down to drink my first cup, there's tons of things in the forefront of my mind needing to be done, NOW! And so it begins - the circus I call a morning. The aide comes, there's errands to run. Every time I turn around it's time to feed Chris, which means pureeing another meal; or change him or do some therapy. When I'm not doing that - there's tons of work to do. I end most days feeling like I fall way short. Needless to say - I can easily get lost in the shuffle of a normal day.

When I get all caught up in the day-to-days, it's easy to remember I'm valuable to God - to anybody really. But the verse that comes to mind - and I have to remind myself of is Exodus 34:14 which says You must worship no other gods, but only the Lord,, for He is a God who is passionate about His relationship with you. He's patient and passionate. He so longs to be involved in my life and foremost in my heart. And while He passionately pursues us - He also patiently waits for us to "get it."

That fills me with awe for Who He is and how He loves us. We can know passion; and we can be patient - but how can those two dwell together? It seems like they are opposites like my attempts to be organized and caregiving are. Yet He is so determined to have us He will do anything He needs to in order to be with us. He can be patiently waiting - or passionately pursuing. But He's always desiring to be with us. He doesn't look at us and see a caregiver - He sees His beloved.

Today I'm going to meditate on the fact that he's waiting for me to sort through my day to spend time with Him. He is patient and passionate - and He wants to be with me. I'll turn my thoughts to stopping so He can catch me. I'm going to spend my day thinking about how to patiently, passionately pursue Him today. Will you join me?

Still Can't See!

I've been thinking about Joseph a lot over the last few weeks. He was another Bible hero who spent some time not being able to see just what God was doing in his life. It had to be so hurtful and difficult to deal with not only the rejection by his brothers, but being sold into slavery.

If all that weren't bad enough he ends up going to prison for something he didn't do. Honestly, I'm sure somewhere along the way I might have quit. While Joseph's intense struggle isn't described in scripture, we can imagine that he endured heart wrenching agony. And it went on for years.

We read the story of Joseph in a matter of a few minutes sometimes without realizing the impact of the number of years that  passed. He sat in prison. And sat. Then sat. And then sat some more. And the prison he was in was not anything like our prisons today. As harsh of an environment as today's prison are they would be plush and luxurious by comparison.

I have to wonder what he thought about. Did he go over the dreams he'd been given as a young man and wonder if they were going to happen? You know he had to miss his family, but that was nothing new. Did he wonder what his brothers told his dad? Maybe he had dreams that Jakob, his dad was going to find him and come swoop him up and take him back home. I wonder all of this because it sounds like what I would do.

When my son was first injured in the automobile accident and we were sitting for three long weeks in ICU, I kept thinking God was going to swoop in on His white horse and whisk us away. But of course, it didn't happen like that. Instead, like in Joseph's situation, it just kept dragging out year after painful year.

Do you ever wonder how Joseph kept it together over the years? I mean he was in a tough spot that just got tougher but still managed to keep his faith. And it's important to note that he didn't have a Bible to resort to. He couldn't pick up the Bible like we can and go read Psalms for comfort or Proverbs for wisdom. He had far less than we do.  He had nothing. 

We know he kept the faith even when he couldn't see by something he told his brothers as it all began to unfold. He said to his brothers that what they meant for evil, God meant for good. (Gen. 50:20) He recognized that even though life came at him, God had  sent him before to prepare the way for his family to be preserved. God's cool like that. He can turn sticky situations into something good. And many times He does it right under our unsuspecting noses.

Joseph kept the faith through some very dark circumstances. God continued to use him to interpret dreams and to share wisdom. As a caregiver it can be easy to feel like we don't have anything to contribute. And quite honestly, people feel sorry for us and don't require a lot out of us. But that's no excuse.God never says never mind. He doesn't take back dreams, calls or visions. Whatever He says about us doesn't change because we become a caregiver. Even though the journey was difficult, God fulfilled what He desired in Joseph's life.

No matter how good or how bad it might look right now - God is still in control. He hasn't forgotten about us. He hasn't changed His mind about us. He is still our God. He is still a loving, caring King who is concerned about everything that concerns us. He remains faithful - even in the midst of the dark stormy night. We can't do a thing to change that about Him! I sure am glad.

Today I will meditate on how God never changes. I'll turn my thoughts to how He continues to watch over us no matter what a day brings - or doesn't bring. I will keep my thoughts focused on how unchanging He is when life around us is in a whirlwind. Nothing scares God. Nothing can make Him give up on us. I will not give up on Him. Will you join me in trusting Him for one more day?

The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...