Sometimes I wonder just when it's all going to end. It feels like never. And if I am not carefully guarded, I can slip into a very depressed state and whine a lot. Not that it helps.
BC (Before Caregiving) I was a worship leader in the church. I stayed up on the latest trends in worship music and learned the newest songs. Tragedy has a way of robbing you of the things you love. For me one thing I loved was music. Actually, because my son was a musician prior to the accident, I couldn't even listen to music for a long time. It simply broke my heart. One down beat on the drum and I was a basket case fighting back tears. Over time I learned to suck it up as I made music a large part of his therapy. He responds well to it still, especially his music. I do still leave the room during some of the songs he wrote.
Recently I've been able to come back to enjoy music and particularly praise and worship. I have even returned to writing some music. I actually have the radio on in the van when we are traveling now. There's a song I had to get the words and chords to and have sat down to learn to play. It's amazing how a simple song can lift the heart when we are willing to be lifted.
Matt Redman is just one of the songwriters/lead worshipers I enjoy listening to. One of his latest songs is "Bless the Lord O My Soul." The song is well written in my opinion but the first verse is what stands out to me and it's become my prayer for today. It goes like this:
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again.
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me,
let me be singing with the evening comes.
As rough as the life of the caregiver can get I pray we can always sing bless the Lord O my soul! I like this verse because one phone call changed my entire life just about 7 years ago. I would like to say that I reacted with Job-like acts of worship, but that is simply not true. I tend to throw fits, scream and yell, punch the air and cuss a little (sometimes a lot) before I finally hit my knees. Finding a place to worship is not easy for the caregiver, but it can soften the heart. And this song reminds us that no matter what we face - we can still lift our hearts to God.
Today I will remind myself that God's position on His throne did not change when I became a caregiver. He is forever God no matter what happens on this earth - good or bad. My meditation will be of His endless lovingkindness, mercy and love toward us. I will let my heart return to worship today. Will you join me?
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