Showing posts with label aging parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aging parents. Show all posts

Beyond Words

 

those eyes
Sometimes, for caregivers, there are no words to express our emotions. We often deal with living grief over a loved one who is still alive, but they are not who they used to be. Personally, I deal with this with my son who is certainly not the person he was before the wreck, he can't do the things he did. Often I avoid Facebook as I see his friends getting married, having kids, enjoying life, and music. It can spark great grief for me as I am thrilled he is now turning his head from the left to right in response to activities. I'm happy when he takes a step when I used to watch him in the marching band. He is gone - but he's still alive.

On the other hand, my mom is in some stage of dementia. She usually still remembers us, but she doesn't recall our lives at all. She doesn't remember the ministry trips we took, the times we played music together, and all the things we shared. She has lost the ability to hold a simple conversation although she can answer some simple questions on her better days. 

There is a great sense of grief and loss always sitting just below the emotional surfaces of my heart. Some days I have to fight hard to not be sucked in. Other days, I can handle it pretty well. So, this morning when I turned to a familiar scripture, I was shocked at the parts I'd missed in my BC (Before Caregiving) days.

I was looking for the verse that says, His mercies are new every morning. That was my thought this morning as I was waking up and I whispered a gentle prayer that His mercies would carry me today. I turned to Lamentations 3 and let my eyes walk down the page to the verses I had marked years before caregiving. Interestingly enough, I found something brand new.

In verse 17, Jeremiah says, Peace has been stripped away and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I didn't recall that part of this passage although it is underlined. Perhaps I read it but lacked the understanding before. He goes on to say, I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. I was like, Yes! Someone understands!

Then, what Jeremiah penned hit home. He said, yet I still dare to hope when I remember the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies, I have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness, His mercies begin afresh each day. 

Is it bad that I was glad someone understood enough to put my emotions into words? I hope not because I was elated that Jeremiah seemed to really understand. Even though I feel like I am sad and grieving beyond words on some days - I pulled out this part of the verse - dare to hope. 

Today, I will dare to hope that it will be better than yesterday. I will remind myself of the unfailing love and endless mercies of the Lord who carries me every day. My thoughts and meditations will be on his mercy, His love, His care of me. I will dare to hope that He will carry me through today. Will you join me?

Reminders that Life is Fragile

As if caregiving by itself was not enough of a reminder of the fragility of life, there are plenty of new ones. Just Saturday I learned of three deaths. One was a long time family friend who actually named my daughter, another was a Facebook friend who brightened every day with humor, and the other was a local sportscaster tragically killed in an accident. These all left huge holes in my heart and reminded me that we cannot take a single day with our loved ones for granted.

As a caregiver, every day can be lived in pain - sometimes it's like everything hurts and even the small things are magnified. But when it's big things like watching your mom in the beginning stages of dementia or losing a close friend, it can be more difficult to handle.

Times are tough and emotions are high when you are a caregiver. Many days it takes everything we've got just to keep ourselves together to perform all the associated duties. Let one little (or big) unexpected thing happen and it can throw a wrench into everything and make it difficult to get gathered back up and composed. But yet, we do it again and again because life doesn't give any exemptions to caregivers. We have to keep on with our caregiving responsibilities and deal with the other things life wants to throw at us. Never mind considering our own frailty and fragility - but it is in the back of our mind. And life's reminders make me think of the fears I've shoved back where I don't have to think about them like what would happen to my son and parents if something happened to me?

2 Peter 1:3 tells us that He has given us everything we need for life and godliness. He fills us up with what we need to make another day. I think the trick is in acknowledging that life is fragile and so are we. That's the only way we can allow ourselves to become totally dependent on Him instead of on our own strength. We are caregivers - we know how to suck it up and keep moving. But we also know that if we don't do that - we might collapse into a bundle of nothingness. And just about the time we get it all together something like the sudden death of a friend or acquaintance knocks our props out from under us. It's actually the perfect set-up for us to remind ourselves that we must rely on Him instead of our own strength.

I will miss my friends, but I will remind myself that life is not a given. I know how just one phone call can change everything.

Today I will live with gratitude. I'll turn my thoughts to being thankful for my friends and family. My meditations will be on how I trust Him to give me everything needed to live life well and in Him. I will purposefully spend today thanking Him for the good things in life and shift my focus to the positives - and will not allow the negatives to steal from me today. I will turn my thoughts to His peace and comfort and allow them to rule in my heart and mind today. Will you join me?


I am Your Servant

It's too bad that life doesn't have a "hold" button sometimes. Each caregiver has unique circumstances to deal with on a daily basis and it can be overwhelming. We get used to our "new normal" after awhile though. God equipped humans to be able to adjust and move forward. It can still take a long time to be "okay" with a lot of aspects of caregiving though. For instance going out can be a trying but rewarding experience for many. Even when you get used to it there is so much involved in just grabbing a few groceries it's exhausting. Common everyday tasks can be much more complicated for caregivers. Then add to that other life changes like aging parents and it can be overwhelming to say the least. In my case, my parents are aging and even though I am a caregiver for my handicapped son, my role with my parents is slowly evolving into that of a caregiver as well. What can we do when we are overwhelmed?

I know I spend a lot of time in the Psalms, but I just enjoy the way David is so open and honest about his thoughts, feelings and emotions. In Psalm 143 he is crying out for the Lord to hear his cries and in verse 4 he says my spirit is overwhelmed within me; my heart faints within me. Boy, what caregiver hasn't felt that at some time or another? There are days, thankfully not every day, where you just feel like you can't handle one more thing!

The other thing I like about David and the Psalms is that he talks himself out of it. As I read through the rest of Psalm 143 I found some strategies that I can adapt and use myself. They go something like this:

I meditate on Your doings
I stretch out my hands to you
I trust in You
I lift up my soul to You
I take refuge in You

Those statements are all mixed in with his heartfelt prayers for help. But the final statement in the psalm sticks out to me: I am Your servant. I think that with this statement David was handing it all, himself included, back to God to handle. To me it was a statement of total submission to God. Like he's praying and asking God for help, turning his thoughts and heart toward the Lord and then settling it all with a huge sigh and a I am Your servant. Period.

I think that may be the key when we are totally overwhelmed by all that life throws at us; yielding totally to Him. I want God to use everything that happens in my life to draw me closer to Him and to teach me more about Him and His ways. Personally, I don't think God causes these things to happen - they are just part of living; but since they have happened I don't want them to be wasted. I want to grow and learn in the midst of the trials. He has not given up on us and He won't stop working on us.

Today I will meditate on yielding my soul (mind, will and emotions) to Him. I will yield  my control and let God have it all: the good, the bad and the ugly! I will turn my thoughts and my heart to totally trusting Him to turn every situation around for something good. I will trust Him. Will you join me?

The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...