But He's Mine

Sorry I missed a day and I'm running late. To say my plate is full would be an understatement - but I know my fellow-caregivers understand that. Just today I've dealt with a home health nurse and a case manager. It was all routine but all before noon, really?

I finally got to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee (okay so it's my third pot - hey I was up late!), grabbed my Bible and just started reading. I was actually preparing for a lesson I'm going to teach tonight but something caught my heart.

In 2 Timothy 2, Paul told Timothy this, God's truth stands firm like a foundation stone with this inscription: "The Lord knows those who are His." I just stopped when I read that. My thoughts went to my new normal life. Most of you are all too familiar with the daily grind. But the other day I was talking to a friend about the not-so-daily part meaning the emotions  that can be a struggle. We discussed the depression, anger and frustration that can lie just below the surface. Most days it is well-managed, but we have our days. I know you know.

With this week being a bit more hectic than "normal" for us around here I just needed to get my feet back on the ground and this scripture did that for me today. I sat here and thought about the fact that I am His. And He is okay with that!

The caregiver's life is less than perfect. It's not the "norm" although we find our new norms. It can be ugly sometimes....can't it? I've said many times that even though people leave when life gets ugly - He never abandons us. He still looks at me... He looks at you... and proudly says, that one is mine.

In all the mess, in all the craziness, in all the pain - we are still His.

I was thinking about this and letting it settle in as I pulled up the blog to get started writing. As I was looking for a photo, I saw this one of my son and me the first time I ever took him to a race with me. I thought it was fitting because he's still mine. He doesn't speak.  He doesn't do anything for himself, he is broken. But he's still mine and I'm okay with that.

God looks at us with that same compassion, gentleness and emotion. We are His no matter how broken we may feel or how un-normal our lives seem. He still looks at us with love and fondly says - with a twinkle in His eye - this one is mine.

Today I am going to think about how I am His and He doesn't want out of the deal. Just like I accept my kids no matter what, unconditionally, He accepts me. My meditation will be on His unconditional love, compassion and watchfulness over my soul. I'm going to think about how I'm His and how He will never, never, never let go - He's content that I am His and so I am. I'll embrace the comfort that comes with those thoughts and I'll rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

He Never Gives Up

I've always been open and honest about my feelings and how I have dealt with caregiving. I usually at least try to clean it up a bit before I spill it out on the page for the world to see though. Maybe a "thank you" is in order! (Just kidding - lighten up!)

It seems I've found a way to deal with caregiving at least a little more gracefully than when I started the journey. There are daily struggles, as you all know, and numerous battles along the way. Caregiving isn't for the faint in heart. We give up our dreams, our goals, our jobs, other relationships, and our lives to serve the one we love. On one hand, it's the obvious choice and it seems easy; and on the other hand it's the most difficult job in the world.

One of my biggest struggles personally was giving up ministry. I had goals and dreams and passions that seemed to fall by the wayside as I stepped into the role of caregiving. Over time, I've seen God stir some of those up and even though they look nothing like I thought - He's still doing just what He said. (Imagine that!)

As I was praying about some of these things the other day, I started getting the words to a poem. I figured out that all along - He hadn't given up on me. Not even for a second. I just want to share the poem with you here. It's a bit long (yes, I am long-winded once I get going! lol) but I hope you'll get a little something out of it. And together we can trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

He Never Gave Up 

He never gave up on me.

He could see what I couldn’t see

When my way became dark and dreary

My body and soul became so weary…

He didn’t give up on me

He could still see

Everything He had put in me.

The difficult path didn’t blind Him

He knew that one day

I’d be at my wit’s end

And still find my way….

I stumbled, fought, and cussed -

He never walked away in disgust

He patiently waited ‘til I figured it out

He knew the cave would get cozy

And that I’d eventually come back out and about

He knew….

I’d be driven to Him in passionate pursuit

But when I turned around I’d found-

I’d never been beyond His reach

In fact, love had kept us bound

Tho I’d tripped, fallen and stumbled around

I found myself bleeding, lying on the ground

Then even my blood cried out to Him

And here I am now – thought all was lost – but I’ve been found.

He never gave up

He never let up

Waiting for me

I was still called

I was still chosen

I was still beloved and free

Because his grace never gave up on me.

© J Olinger March 5, 2017

Lion Hearts

Sorry to be MIA of late - I had my plate full last week as my mom was staying with me for a few days. She has some sort of dementia and requires lots of TLC right now so it was my pleasure to have her stay with me. However, it meant that my plate, which was already full, was piled just a little fuller. So I did what I could to keep my head above water.....so I went missing.

Over the last few weeks, my mind and heart have been busy processing stuff. Life, really. And as usual, there are tons of things going through my head and heart all at the same time. When I wake up in the morning it seems like my head is already going a hundred miles an hour, and maybe more! I have no idea what the series of thoughts were that brought me to the passage in Daniel, but I'm sure it was a logical sequence.

I opened my Bible to Daniel 3, verse 17. This is where Daniel's three friends were facing the fiery furnace. It's their statement - their dedication to the fire that piqued my interest this morning. They said  our God is able to deliver us from the blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, be it known to you O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up.

My thoughts were mostly wrapping around their tenacity and dedication to the fire. They were not looking for a way out - but were tenaciously saying they would gladly walk through the fire rather than give up to other gods.

I kind of see caregivers that way. There's this dedication to the journey, you know? We are going to continue to walk in the fire not expecting God to deliver us out. If He does - great. But if not - we will not bow or give in to the pressure. We will still serve Him. Isn't that partly why you are here right now reading this blog?

Many days we are strong and our faith seems to carry us through. Other days we are looking for a thread of hope and wondering if we have the strength to hold on. But when we feel life push us to give in - something stands up inside of us and boldly proclaims: I'm not bowing to the pressure. I'll walk through this fire - but not give up on God.

Same tenacity. Same dedication. Same boldness and power that we have admired in Daniel's friends, isn't it? I know we don't like seeing ourselves that way. For the most part, we are like - hey, I do what I gotta do to make it. And that is true - but inside there's this lion that is seeking God's heart. And we are not giving up - even in our fiery circumstance - until we find Him.

And where exactly do we find Him? Right there in the furnace with us. Yup - He's walking through the fiery trials alongside each of us. Isaiah 43:1-2 says this:

But now, thus says the Lord Your creator, O Jacob,

and He who formed you O Israel,

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are Mine!

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they will not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,

nor will the flame burn you. 

For I am the Lord your God 

The Holy One of Israel....

Sometimes I'm sad because He didn't promise us a ticket out. He said we'd pass through waters, rivers and fire. We are not exempt. However, He also said He'd be with us in them. And that's what I am holding on to today.

Today I'm going to rejoice that He didn't leave me to face the fire alone. I choose to be thankful He is in the floods with me. My mind will be on the truth that He's a furnace walker too - because He's in there with us. My meditations will be on His choice to never leave us - and to carry us when necessary. Just like I choose to walk with Him - He chooses to walk with me. I like that and it will be my meditation today as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Living Broken

I've never been one who enjoyed pain. I am a rather sporty individual and usually pain will make me fight harder, run further, and press on a little more diligently. After becoming a caregiver, I pretty much continued that trend as I found life to be engulfed in pain. Quite literally, everything hurts.

Losses loom in my view every day. I "lost" my son, at least who he was, I lost my life as it became consumed by caregiving, lost my dreams since they were no longer possible, and the list could go on and on as you well know. I struggled to find ways to work, and go on and have succeeded. But not without daily soul pain.

I want to tell myself to get over it. But it is so looming there's nowhere to go to get away. It's constantly pressing in like it is trying to suffocate me. Honestly, some days it wins. Other days I figure out how to get out from under the pressure just enough to function. It's the only way to survive the intensity and enormity of this seemingly all-consuming pain.

You know some days are better than others. Some days I can shrug it off and keep my head up. Other days it's all I can do to breathe and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's like my "life" has been broken and I've got to figure out how to live from that broken state.

This is where my mind went as I was reading and re-reading Psalm 34. In verses 4 and 6, the psalmist speaks of crying out to God. He says in verse four: I sought the Lord; and then in verse six, he says: this poor man cried out. David let his thoughts and feelings be known to God, and trust me - I'm pretty sure God knows exactly how I feel since I don't hold back my thoughts or emotions! (Not like He didn't already know anyway, right?)

I've learned to bring my broken life, my brokenness to Him. At first, I blamed Him - and I do still have my days. But I've learned to gather it all up and drag it to Him and pour it out before Him. I give Him my anger, frustrations, hurt, immense pains, show him my deepest wounds....and He is big enough to handle it. Every.Single.Time,

He doesn't get angry with me for being open and honest about my brokenness. He never wrings His hands in worry like He's wondering what we're going to do. He never shakes His head or walks away in disgust. He just waits. He cares. He loves. He binds up the wounds life has inflicted and carries me until I can walk again.

Verse 15 says the eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous, His ears are open to their cry. Then down in verse 18, the psalmist says this: The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. He doesn't turn His face away from the ugliness life can bring. I think He moves in a little closer when we cry out to Him.

Today, I will turn my thoughts to His total acceptance of me in my broken state. I'll think about how He is not afraid to be near me, doesn't avoid looking at my broken life. My thoughts will be on how He doesn't stand and stare like people do - He loves. He cares. He reaches in and heals my brokenness - even if it's just enough to get me through to the next emotional crisis! (lol) I'll meditate on his nearness today and I'll move just a bit closer to Him and let myself trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Confessions for the "Greatly Afraid"

One of the difficulties of being a full-time caregiver is that life continues around you. It can seem like everyone else's life gets to continue while yours stopped. One example for me, is with my daughter. I figure for her, not only did she lose her brother in this accident, she also lost her mother to caregiving.

So at least once a year, my daughter and I head out of town to have some time together. This was that weekend, and of course, we had a wonderful time together! But then, I still have to come home to the harsh reality of the day-to-day.

As I'm trying to roll out of bed this morning to get the day going, I open my Bible to Psalm 34, no reason really, that's just where it opened to. But I'm glad it did because I gleaned enough to get me through today as I try to get back into the swing of things and catch up with caregiving tasks and work. There are several things that stuck out in the psalm, so we may break it down over the week.

The first part of the psalm stood out to me because the psalmist David took a stand. To set the background we have to consider when this psalm was written. The story behind it is in 1 Samuel 21. David was still running from Saul and in verse 12 it states that he greatly feared king Achish. He literally acted like he was crazy to throw everyone off so he could get away. For me, it's important to realize David had real emotions. He wasn't like a super hero - he was human. The man we recognize as a great warrior wasn't just a little nervous, he was greatly - afraid. And it seems this psalm was born from those moments.

In the first part of the psalm, David makes two declarations. In verse one he says I will bless the Lord. And in verse two, he says My soul will make its boast in the Lord. This can be a game changer for caregivers, as well as for anyone else. There are times when no matter what is going on all around us we have to stand up and say - I will and my soul will....

Today as I shift out of "off work" mode and back into where's my cape mode, I needed to read this. I need to declare that my soul is going to trust in the Lord and that my lips will praise Him, even in the midst of a rocky situation.

Today, my declaration will be I will bless His name, I will praise Him. My soul will rejoice in all He has done. I will turn my thoughts to how He walks this out with me and doesn't abandon or leave me alone. I'll praise Him for the things I see Him working in my life - and thank Him for the things He has not yet done. My meditations will be on how I can bless His name and praise Him today. I'll once again acknowledge Him as God over my life and my soul and I will thank Him. I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

What's That in Your Eye?

There are many aspects about caregiving that are just flat out difficult. It's not for the fainthearted or weak, that's for sure! :-)
Each day can have its own challenges that only caregivers understand. But one thing that I feel is a prevalent battle is the social isolation. My social life is virtually non-existent. And for those who can get out some - it's an understatement to say it's way different from BC (before caregiving).

I can only share how I feel, and maybe it's just me, but I can feel like an insignificant bump on the face of the earth. Not only do I not have a social life, but I feel like I am more of a burden on society than a contributor. There are times I have to stay completely off social media because it can trigger a battle with depression.

BC I was a goer. I loved to travel, I loved to go. I was always hiking, exploring, driving new roads and finding new adventures wherever I was. For me, when I see people posting pictures of their latest vacation, or weekend getaway to the beach, I can start to feel even more isolated and deprived. The caregiver doesn't always have the freedom to go and do like we'd like to.

Yesterday, I found out some decisions about my parents had been made without my input. It wasn't really a bad decision, it just hurt that I wasn't a part of it. Does that make sense? Not only was this decision made without my participation - it basically cut me out of the decision--making process for the future as well. Not really that big of a deal. However, it drove me into a deeper aloneness that seemed to swallow me whole.

It felt as though I was being told one more time - just be your son's caregiver - you are not important. I felt rejected, not needed. Insignificant.

As I awakened this morning, these feelings of insignificance were still swirling around in my head. I struggled to make some sense of it, to find a way to wash it away. So I asked God what He thought. I asked, Am I also insignificant to You? My immediate thought  - I'm sure He whispered it to me - was that I am the apple of His eye.

Now I am familiar with the phrase from scripture but I had to look it up. David prayed in Psalm 17:8 for the Lord to keep him as the apple of His eye. I noticed one translation said the daughter of the eye. Since I'm a girl - I liked that! Then in Zechariah 2:8, God told the prophet that He would protect Jerusalem and that whoever touches her was touching the apple of His eye. I smiled. It felt like God was trying to tenderly tell me He's got me.

I may feel isolated. I may feel socially unacceptable. I am different - and I'm okay with that. Caregivers are still human, you know! (Even though we've been known to pull off some pretty-near super human feats! - where's my cape? lol) We still feel. We can still contribute. It's just different. And even though family, friends and society may feel differently about caregivers - God doesn't.

Well, maybe He does. Maybe, just maybe He pulls us in a little closer, protects us a little more closely, and speaks tenderly to us a little more often. Because caregiving doesn't remove us from being an object of His love.

Today I'm going to look at God knowing I am what is in His eye. My meditations will be on His unchanging love and tenderness toward me. I'll turn my thoughts to how He holds me, He loves me even in my craziness. In my loneliness he hasn't abandoned me. I'll think about how He's walking this out with me day after day. He doesn't quit when it gets ugly. My pain is not repulsive to Him. I am not repulsive to Him. He cares. And with that, I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Slightly Irregular

Did you ever shop at an outlet mall and find great deals on clothing marked slightly irregular? Usually they function just as well as other items, but some little something was missing, or didn't look exactly like most. To say the caregiver's life is slightly irregular is perhaps a great understatement, but our lives, our norm - is very different from the rest of the world. Everything we do centers around what's best for someone else and we shape our days around their needs.

Virtually everything we do is different from our daily chores, eating schedules, bathing routines to outings (if we can do them). Many caregivers can do some normal things - but there's so much more planning that goes into some of life's simplest chores. Just going to the grocery store can require lots more work for a caregiver. You may have to deal with equipment, take certain supplies, load and unload a chair into a handicap van, or you may be unable to go at all. Life's simplest chores can be quite complicated.

With lives so "different" it can start to feel like you stick out like a sore thumb. Nothing is normal for caregivers. Sometimes, I think about getting out even to do something simple like going to the store, and I get tired just thinking about all I have to do to make that happen. So I stay home. That's happened to me more than once.

If we are not careful, we can slip into feeling like our lives don't matter at all. We can feel like a slightly irregular pair of jeans that just don't fit right, slightly off. Everything can become uncomfortable. That's when I start looking for something, anything "normal."

My days look different, my job looks different, my whole life looks different. But God looks at caregivers with the same love He looks at everyone. The price Jesus paid is the same for us as for the rest of the world. There are no lines in the Kingdom of God to separate out caregivers and their loved ones. We are still part of His kingdom, we are still His children, we are still His beloved.

This is a common theme throughout these devotions because I have to bring myself back here often. But our standing in the Kingdom of God did not, will not and cannot change when we become caregivers. Our callings are still in tact, our giftings are still the same and everything afforded His children - is still ours. Even though we live a slightly irregular life, every scripture still applies to us. Caregiving doesn't exempt us from anything!

Today I will meditate on the fact that God is still my King, my God, my fortress, my Savior. I'll turn my thoughts to the things in the Kingdom that don't  change with caregiving. I'll think about His grace, His mercy, His forgiveness, and His love today. I'm going to let Him be my rock today. I'll meditate on this scripture nevertheless the foundation of God stands sure, the Lord knows those who are His. I'll rest in the truth that He knows I am His. And I will let that carry me through today and I will trust Him for just one more day. Will you join me?

Some Things Never Change

There's an old country song I thought of this morning. It goes something like some days are diamonds, some days are stones some days the bad times won't leave me alone. Ever have one of those days? Ever have a series of those days?

It's funny (odd - not haha) that one day I can be so depressed and down and the next wake up ready to take on the world once again. It may be the fact that as caregivers there's not really any other choice so we suck it up and keep moving forward.

I've often wondered if I was spiritually schizophrenic since I can have it all together one second and totally lose it the next. (I'm sure I'm the only one who has EVER felt this way!) One second I'm totally resting and trusting in Him - and the next I'm so angry with God and have tons of questions I'm hurling at Him. God is so patient with me. He really is big enough to carry us - to carry me along with all my baggage. My stuff will never be bigger than Him - even if it seems to be in my own eyes.

Isn't it far too easy to get distracted though? We don't even have to try. Our list of daily duties is so long it embarrasses others who claim to be "busy."  You know it's true! Just taking care of another whole person is a full-time job. We typically do double of everything, especially when there are specific special needs.

On top of caregiving, many have jobs and other responsibilities, it can be quite overwhelming. Since we juggle so many things it makes sense that it can all crash in on us with the slightest misstep. Because we are fearless caregivers - we can reshuffle, pick up the mess and find a way to carry on....at least most days. Other days (I can only speak for myself) it comes crashing in around me and I just sit and stare. Eventually, I'll figure it out, brush myself off, roll up my sleeves and get going again.

In the hecticism of caregiving I can get lost in the shuffle. I lose my focus and forget....a lot of things. But this morning as I got up early to read my Bible I was reminded of a couple of things. Somehow, I ended up in Exodus 34:14. The NLT I have says this: He is a God who is passionate about His relationship with you. I thought about that for awhile because I can be blinded by caregiving and forget the basics.

Caregiving can be big and looming. It can be blinding and numbing. It's so daily. It never lets up. But this morning I'm reminded of a simple truth. He really does love us - and our situations do not change that unending love. His mercy is forever. I'm reminded of a scripture in particular:

Your unfailing love is higher than the heavens.

Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.

As quirky as we can be, He never gives up on us. He is always reaching for us and extending His love and mercy toward us. He really is faithful even when we are not.

Today I am going to try to stay focused on His faithfulness rather than my unfaithfulness. I will direct my thoughts to His love and meditate on His endless mercies toward me. I'm not sure how He continues to love me in my craziness, but I'll think about how patient He is with me. And I'll be thankful that He never gives up! And with that I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

I'm No Job

Let me just get this out there - I'm no Job!  I've been thinking about him a lot and how his response to trouble when it comes is very much NOT like mine. I whine a lot more than he does and honestly, praise doesn't come that easy. Oh, I finally get there - but I always seem to take the long way around.

When Job's trouble started he went straight to his knees; and when it got even more complicated He worshiped. I did not. He seemed so at peace with his life whether he could physically see God's blessings or was standing there stripped bare. Job said we need to take both good and bad from the hand of the Lord. And he said that when things were bad.

For a long time now I've noticed that people tend to say "God is good" only when things go their way. You know, they get a raise, their loved one escapes a horrific wreck, a kid graduates from college, or someone gets healed. Why is it we don't hear that when someone gets fired, a loved one is injured in a car crash or a kid drops out of college? lol I notice we only  say it when the world is on our side.

Here stands Job who was more than just a wealthy man. His "friend" Eliphaz describes Job in the first part of chapter 4 as one who encouraged many a troubled soul to trust in God and as one who supported the weak. Yet here he stands with empty hands and broken body still trusting God. Now sadly, I cannot say I've done that.

This weekend was a series of events that left me emotionally drained and fighting off a cloud of depression. I'll spare you the details because I assume as caregivers you've at least been there on occasion. For me it's  about the time some things seem to be coming together, my son makes improvements, work is constant and I am keeping up and this very abnormal life is chugging along decently, then some little cog gets stuck and I get stuck once again. I stomp around a bit, shake my fist at God for letting this happen to me and my family, and just get overall grumpy.

It seems the whole point of Job's test was to see if he would curse God to His face. But Job did not. He continued to trust, continued to praise, kept on worshiping, and did not waiver in his faith. I on the other hand, when I crash like I did this weekend, eventually come back around to trust and worship. Maybe my trip through emotional distress back to worship isn't taking quite as long as it used to, but I still crash and take that little journey. I can definitely say I am no Job. But I am getting there. Slowly.

Today, rather than condemning myself to die a thousand deaths (lol) I'm going to encourage myself to worship. I'll turn my focus to the things I've seen God do rather than what I think He's not doing. And even though it's not been my immediate response, I'll say with Job blessed be the name of the Lord. I'll remind myself that God is good period, no matter what happens in the day of a caregiver's life. I'll meditate on His goodness, His forgiveness, and His never-ending mercy toward me today. And for just one more day - I'll lay aside my emotions and worship Him for who He is - not for what I want. I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Actionable Items

Nothing new around here. I woke up this morning with my mind going 900 miles an hour. It seems there's been so much going on. But of course, that's nothing new for the caregiver, right?

Today I have a new aide - just for Fridays. His other one comes the other three days of the week on schedule all the time - but for some reason can't seem to show up on Fridays consistently. It's one of  the frustrations we have to endure from time to time. Why can't people just do their jobs? It would be so beneficial. But with a new aide that as to be "certified" to do my son's range of motion which means another nurse visit; it complicates my morning schedule. Again.

But this is the new normal.

So this morning I got up and reached for my Bible and thumbed through a few pages looking for a morsel that would carry me through the day. I ended up back at a familiar psalm. It's one I've clung to for years and don't plan on moving away from anytime soon.

Psalm 46 starts and ends with powerful statements. Even though I've read it countless times it still fills my heart. The first verse God is our refuge and strength a very present help in trouble. I still run to Him as my refuge - and I still rely on Him for my strength. And I've always loved the phrase very present. That's a powerful combination I think. I can hide in Him - He gives me strength and He is always present with me.

Now here's the thing - these are what I'm going to call actionable items. At work we do a lot of analysis on websites and we look for areas we can take action on. What can we do? So as I am looking at this favorite verse of mine, I'm seeing my part too. God is always present - that's His part. He is there. He is here. He is period. My part is to go to that refuge and rest. Trying to rest can actually be a lot of work, especially for caregivers!

But further on down in verse 10 we'll find a couple more actionable items. Verse 10 says to be still. That in itself can be a tall order for high strung, Type A individuals such as myself. But it also says know.  We can take action on both of these - we can stop striving, or be still and just know that He is God. No matter what life throws at us or what a day brings He is still God. And in the craziness of the day I have before me - I'm going to do just that.

Today I'm going to work at being still. I'll meditate on the truth that He is God and nothing can dethrone Him. Nothing interrupts His kingship. This means I can always run to Him. My meditations for today will be on his presence in my hectic crazy life. And I'll turn my thoughts to hiding in Him as my refuge. I'll work (take action) on my soul - by quieting it before a holy God. And I will rest in Him and trust Him for one more day.Will you join me?

Slightly Inconvenienced

This week I've been trying to make arrangements for my upcoming trip. This is the fourth year for my daughter and I to take a weekend away. Sometimes it's so difficult to get out for a day or two. Of course, this planning is on top of all the normal daily stuff I have to do.

I had the weekend all lined out and at the last minute, the sitter for Friday cancelled on me. I was just shy of frantic, a little bit desperate and had to fight off depression's tightening grip.

Times like those start my mind going in a whirlwind. I felt like I was inconveniencing everyone. I'm not a person who likes to ask for help often, and most of the time I'd just as soon do it myself. But I can't sit and get out both! lol It's the curse of independence - sometimes good and sometimes bad.

First of all, I hate to ask for help, but you know there are always people who say Call me if you need anything. But they really don't mean it. Well, they seem to mean it until you call, right? Then it's this or that excuse and for me, it can feel like I am really disrupting their lives. So, I just don't ask. It's honestly easier that way and no one (except me) is inconvenienced.

Caregiving is "slightly" inconvenient. For me, my world stopped with a phone call and never returned to normal. I was in Chicago enjoying life's adventure and headed to Africa the next January and it all screeched to a stop. Dreams crushed, life on "hold" I became a caregiver to my adult, now handicapped son. Not what dreams were made of in my teen years, you know? Not my picture of how life was supposed to turn out.

On one hand, caregiving is a joy - I'm glad I'm the one who gets to take care of my son. I do so because of the great love I have for him. Yet it is not convenient to get things done - fight with agencies and providers, work with lazy aides, and just make it through anything-but-routine days.

As I was being engulfed in the dark cloud of depression yesterday and my emotions were running a muck, I had to think of all the ways God has provided over the years. I sat down with my Bible and coffee (that's a powerful duo!) and actually thought about crying. The tears were...right... there... but I find them useless.

I chose to give my "inconvenience" to God. I asked Him for help. And by the end of the day it had all worked out. Not only that, but future trips I may want to take are covered too. (And it's going to save me some money!)

Once again I'm reminded even in the midst of my frustration that my help comes from the Lord. Nurses, aides, case managers and even family are not my "help." Psalm 121 says I will look to the Lord who made heaven and earth. 

Today my meditation will be on seeing Him as my help. I'll run to Him today with my cares once again. My thoughts will be on letting Him be my strength - instead of trying to be my own. Today I will work on letting Him be my peace. I won't ask Him for peace and then walk away wringing my hands.  I'll rest and let Him work today as I trust Him and rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

The Question Queen

My Uncle Calvin always said to "follow peace." I was thinking of that this morning when I got up and my mind was a whirlwind of questions, planning and just getting ready to face another very busy day. (Ha - like that's something new, right?)

My first thought was of the scripture when Jesus was in the boat with His disciples and He stood up and said to the storm, "Peace, be still." I was longing for Him to speak those words to my heart this morning.

On my way to finding that passage, I found myself in Matthew 19. In verse 16 the story of the rich, young ruler begins. I found it interesting so I camped there for a bit. Now, those who know me, know I am the Question Queen. I have a question for just about everything. It can be rewarding sometimes - and a burden other times.

I hadn't realized how many questions were in this passage. The young ruler starts by asking Jesus what he needed to do to obtain eternal life. Jesus answered him with a question - Why are you asking me about what is good? And then answered the initial question by telling the young ruler to keep the commandments.

Now as I recall, there are only 10 commandments Jesus was referencing, but the young man bravely asked which ones? Jesus was patient. I would have smacked the guy and asked him which ones he really didn't want to keep. I found it interesting that Jesus only quoted the ones which dealt with how we treat others. He didn't mention the Sabbath or idols. And of course the (somewhat cocky in my opinion) ruler said he had already kept those and then he asked another question - What am I lacking?

Jesus answered that question too - He told the ruler to sell all you have, give to the poor and follow Me. I'm guessing the young man didn't like that answer any better than the other ones he got. It said he was saddened because he was very rich. Jesus says to this that it is difficult for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God.

Now the disciples have a question - Then who can be saved?  Jesus says that all things are possible with God. This tells me that peace is possible!

With this, I've come back around to my original search - peace. My only question is how do I get it? And the answer is that God gives it freely. Jesus said in John 14:27 that He gives us peace. And it's not a worldly peace that fluctuates like the stock market! It's an ever-abiding peace that stills the storms in our hearts. Now the interesting thing is that Jesus keeps giving us things to do. After He says He has given us peace, He says Do not let your heart be troubled.

Now on one hand, I want to walk away scratching my head like the ruler asking how can this be? But on the other hand - I want to let this peace reign in my heart. So even if Jesus speaks peace to the storm like He did in the boat - it's up to me to learn how to walk in it. And that will be my task for today.

Today I will meditate on the peace he gives. I'll take my eyes off the tumultuous storms and focus back on Him. I'll quiet my soul and listen for His peace. And I'll choose to rest right there. My meditation will be on how to walk in His peace when everything is topsy turvy. I'll work on keeping my heart from being troubled.. and rest in Him for one more day.... will you join me?

Grand Central Station of the Busy Mind

This morning is no different than most mornings really. Juggling work and caregiving basically means I have two full-time jobs. So all these tasks are running around in my mind as I'm trying to organize my day. There is bathing, wound care, cooking, pureeing, juicing, feeding, therapy, and tons of things to do for my son, as you well know. Add to that thoughts about when it is the nurse is coming and should I keep this or that appointment, when is he going to get Jevity (yes - we are playing that game again!) etc.

Then on the work front, I need some extra money for a trip my daughter and I have planned for next weekend so I need to pick up a couple extra projects.... more time involved. Juggling who gets work done first (after my full-time job commitment).... should I even try to sleep? lol Welcome to Grand Central Station of the Busy Mind.

I'm dedicated to getting back to my morning devotions though, so this morning I opened my Bible to where I left off yesterday morning, Psalm 73. My eyes went straight for the last verse and I just camped out there. Verse 28 says this:

But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;

I have made the Lord God my refuge,

that I may tell of all Your works.

I have thought a lot about the first 2/3 of this verse and how good it is when God draws near. And how much better it is when I recognize it! The second part rings true in my heart too, having made Him my refuge for life. But sometimes it's easy to forget the third part - that I may tell of all Your works.

As a caregiver, I live in His refuge. I'm not sure there's another way to do it. Honestly, there are days I still struggle with anger over how He could have let this happen to my son. But overall - I always run back and let Him tuck me back up under the protection of His wings. Like David, I always return to that secret, intimate place. He is near, He is my refuge.

But that last third - that I may tell of all Your works. Sometimes I forget to focus on all He's done. It's easy for my mind to focus on this living grief, and the heaviness life has brought, not always so easy to see what He is doing in the midst. But I think this last thought is just as important as the other two - to tell of his works.

This means I need to take a minute to think about what He has done - not the ways I feel He has failed me. So here's a brief list of some of the works of God in this caregiver's life:

I've seen His divine provision - never missed a meal

He has NEVER left me - even when I was a brat!

His peace is tangible at times

He's reassured me that our souls are protected in Him...we are never lost.

His word still speaks to my heart...and always will

He gives me strength to face each day

Holy Spirit still teaches me - I'm not a lost cause!

His word is deeper and richer than I could have imagined

He still nurtures me and cares for me...

He still gives me songs

He remains faithful...

He is still my rock...my hiding place

He has not moved.

He has not changed.

His throne is forever...

These are just a few of the things that came off the top of my mind. So today, I will let this be my meditation. I'll focus my thoughts on all his works. My thoughts will be on His faithfulness, His strength and His watchful care rather than my circumstances. I'll train my thoughts to stay on Him today as I trust Him for one more day - will you join me? What will you focus on about Him today?

Safe in His Embrace

It seems as if I've suffered a derailment of late and I'm struggling to get back on track. With my leg being injured I've had to have lots of help over the last three weeks as I haven't been able to transfer Chris by myself. My friend stayed a few days and my daughter stayed last week to help me out. On the weekends, people have been in and out to help get Chris up or lay him down. Needless to say, it's been a bit hectic, but I'm determined to be back up and going today and hopefully the knee will be nice.

This morning after I got my coffee and sat down I opened my Bible for my devotions and found this piece of paper tucked in Psalm 73. I use two or three Bibles regularly and didn't have a clue what this list of scriptures was in reference to, so I started at the top and read through them one by one looking for a common thread.

By the time I got to the last one on the list I was totally encouraged. I still don't have a clue as to why I started this list - but I'm glad I did. I took this handful of scriptures and turned them into my confessions for the day. In my mind they go something like this:

You are my shield and the One who holds my head up. (Ps.3:3)

You deliver me from my enemies...

You lift me up...

You rescue me...(Ps. 18:48)

Though I feel forsaken,

You will be here with me. (Ps. 27:10)

Your work (in me) is done in faithfulness. (Ps.33:3)

The Lord is the One who holds my hand (Ps.37:24)

My soul clings to You Lord, Your right hand (power) upholds me. (Ps. 63:8)

I am always with You- You hold my hand...(Ps. 73:3)

I'm guessing whatever it was I was studying it was centered around Him holding me. He holds my head up, holds my hand...... He holds me. Somehow I find comfort in that thought today. There's a line in a song I wrote many years ago that goes something like "Let Him hold you - safe in His embrace." That is going through my mind - He holds me - and I am safe there.

No matter what is going on around me, and we all know how crazy hectic a caregiver's day can be, He holds me safe in His embrace. The difficult thing for caregivers is letting Him, and resting there.

Today I'm going to meditate on being in His arms. I'll turn my thoughts to how He lifts me up and holds me. My meditations will be about His faithfulness to sustain me no matter what life throws at me. I will be quiet before Him today and will focus on resting in His embrace as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

The Caregiver's Worst Fear

As caregivers there can be many things that concern us, especially early on. When I first started the caregiving journey, I'd been jerked out of a "normal" life and dealt with a lot of confusion and fear about job, family, life, and simple day-to-day survival.

Over time, some of those fears subsided as I found a new normal - for caregiving - as normal as that can be. All along the way, I saw God provide. I learned to work online honing old skills and learning new ones. When I first brought my son home I was riddled with fear every single time I had to transfer him. I'd literally get sick to my stomach when it was time to get him up or put him in bed. My primary concern was dropping him or hurting him in some way.

There's been fear nearly every time something changed. Lots of questions about if I'm doing the right thing here or making the right choice there. I'm sure you are nodding your heads in recognition. We've all been there; and sometimes still are. (I'm speaking for me at least!)

Can I provide? 

Am I enough?

Will I make mistakes?

Which agency is best?

Should I replace this aide?

Is this the best doctor for my son?

We've all had lots of questions - lots of concerns - many fears. But the last couple of weeks I've begun to realize my greatest fear. I injured my leg on an 8-mile trail run. I tripped and jammed my knees straight into the ground. While I was laying there like a beached whale, other than wondering how I was going to get up, and wondering how bad I was hurt, I wondered how I was going to be able to take care of Chris. 

I often think about getting older and how it's going to look. Will I know when it's time to quit if that happens? Will we both move into a nursing home together? lol - Sounds funny, but it's a reasonable expectation. 

As I have had to call in some babysitters for me the last three weeks, and been largely confined to my recliner and find it difficult to move around, I've had time to think about a lot of things. It's been unsettling to say the least - I am somewhat anal and don't like my norms to be tampered with! lol But I've figured it out with the help of my daughter and a few others who have chipped in to help. I've made it - my son and I have both survived and soon I'll be free of my babysitters. But the fear remains. The what ifs are still lingering in the back of my mind.

Maybe my fears are different than yours - maybe they are the same. Maybe mine are more numerous than yours, or maybe not. But I'm sure there are many discussed and not discussed. What are we supposed to do with that? What do we do when anxieties increase? Take them back to Him.

Two weeks ago I could barely walk and many of my fears seemed to become reality. But I'm nearly through the rough part of the trial and starting to settle back into my norms. I realize all is good - I lived. Chris lived. We worked it all out. Hindsight can be a true learning experience.

I've learned that no matter what - I'm going to run to Him and He will carry me when necessary. It might even be His preferred mode of transportation. (smile) No matter what mess I create or what I face He is there to walk through it with me - even in spite of me sometimes. The world didn't end because I hit a rough spot. Even though my life flashed before my eyes at one point - I've lived to provide more film for a later date. lol

I don't have to worry about being enough because He's got this one. He's got me. I don't have to worry about tomorrow. He's already been there. It's never as bad as it seems - and there's always a way through it. That doesn't mean it's easy; doesn't mean it's short. But there's always a way.

Today I'm going to turn my thoughts back to how I've seen God provide. I'm going to meditate on His ever abiding presence and strength. I'm going to think about having confidence in the truth that He has a hold of me, and He's not letting go. I'll take comfort in the fact that I don't have to deal with but one day at a time - that's how He set it up. I'll relinquish my fears to Him today and let Him care for me. I'm casting all my cares over to Him He can shoulder the burden. I'm geared up to trust Him, to rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

2-Way Psalm

This morning I was reading in Psalm 91. It's been a favorite of mine for years even though I can't grasp it's full meaning. We see the psalmist talking about staying in the shelter and the shadow of the Almighty. And then he goes directly into his own declaration.

I have a vivid imagination, and I'm a writer. So these two verses illicit quite the scene in my mind's eye. As a writer, an inspiring thought goes through my mind and I grab pen and paper to try and capture it. You never know where a thought will lead you - to a devotion, a song, a book!

My active imagination sees David in full armor, of course, as he has a thought and runs to "jot down" these words of inspiration:

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

And then I see him set back and let those words sink into his heart as he meditates on them for a few seconds only to jump up and boldly declare:

I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress!

My God in whom I trust!"

Then, at least in my imagination, he goes back to pen the remainder of this moving psalm. For several verses the psalmist discusses in second person how you will be protected, guided, and free from terror. Here are a few things that stood out to me that "you" (being the one who trusts in the Lord) will do:

you will not be afraid

you will be carried by angels

you  will tread on lions and cobras

you will trample down young lions and serpents

And then in the last three verses, the psalmist hears from God. He totally shifts from first and second person. In first voice the psalmist pens:

Because He has loved me, I will deliver him

I will set him securely on high,

because he has known my name.

He will call on Me and I will answer him

I will rescue him in trouble

I will rescue him and honor him

with a long life I will satisfy him 

and I will let him see My salvation.

I wonder. Do I know His name? Do I call on Him? Do I call Him my God?  Yes I do. I call Him my shelter, I crawl up in His lap, I hide under His shadow daily. I let Him carry me! He is my sanctuary - and I am His. He is my beloved and I am His.

So today I will turn my thoughts to how He lovingly watches our lives play out. My meditations will be on how He longs to rescue my emotions and show me His salvation. Even though I'm not sure exactly what that looks like when it comes, I will continue to trust Him. I will continue to praise Him and I will continue to declare to the Lord: You are my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust!" And I will rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Oh for Grace to Trust Him More

My thoughts are all over the place this morning and I'm trying to reel them back in and keep them balanced. I'm sure I'm the only one who ever has to do that, right?

Cargiving is not for the weak of heart, that's for sure! But today it's not having the heart to carry on - it's the battlefield of the mind that is the problem. In my heart, there's no question. The stamina is there and no choices need to be made at this point.

But my head has to deal with the day-to-day struggles of caregiving. There are so many things going on around me right now that just set me off the edge with tons of questions. Some are simple, like why? I wonder why this ever had to happen. Why my son was ripped away. Why my shattered heart can't heal. Why the grief doesn't go away. Why my life was boxed up and seemingly put on hold.

I've said before it's not the actual caregiving that is the difficult part, it's the heart issues, the living grief and the beating your emotions take on the journey. And that's where I am today. Sorry. But I've learned it is better to be brunt and honest about my emotions - it's the only way to "move on."

In my mind, I see myself like a little girl gathering up this bundle of problems and heading to the throne to see how God is going to fix it. I stand there with my arms full, tears running from my eyes and looking at God with no words left to say. It feels like my life is a big why followed by a huge question mark.

I can think of several scriptures but none bring comfort, none make it all better. Real and raw still exists. It never really goes away, I just deal with it better on some days than on others.Somehow I have to figure out how to put on my big girl panties and walk through one more day.

So, I turn my mind away from my pain and grief and to His word. I think about Joseph and how dejected and lost he must have felt sitting in the dark, dank dungeon for something he didn't do. He figured out how to trust. And I think of Job (I think I'll read Job this week). He lost everything but trust. He didn't even hope God would restore him, he just trusted God with his life. I want to be more like that, even on days when it doesn't come so easy, days like today.

And that is what I will do. I'll think about Job's words, two scriptures stand out. I first think of how he answered his wife when she said he should just give up and die. He answered her with this: Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity? I have to agree. I get so tired of people using the phrase "God is good." when everything goes there way - but I don't hear it at all when things are not going like they planned. He is good period. It's irrelevant whether things are going good or bad - God is good.

The second thing out of Job is his ultimate statement of trust: Though God slay me - yet will I trust Him. That's where I want to be too. I WANT to say that I trust Him on mornings like this when life is crushing me. The words to an old hymn come to mind:

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You

How I've proved You o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

Oh for grace to trust him more...

Today I will meditate on these two scriptures out of Job. I'll pull out my guitar and sing through the verses to this song and let the words sink in. I know God's not trying to slay me...so I need to trust Him to carry me through these times when trust comes harder. I'll turn my meditations to thinking about the times I know He carried me, provided for me and my family and showered me with His great love. I will work on keeping my thoughts there today... and I will trust Him for one more day... will you join me?

3 Simple Words

During my devotions this morning I got a phrase stuck in my head. I as reading 1 Corinthians 1:9 and it starts with 3 simple words: God is Faithful. I spent a few minutes letting those words sink in. I look back over my brief 56 years and think about all the times BC (before caregiving) and during that He has proven His faithfulness.

This phrase is used twice by Paul in this book. Here are the two verses where he uses this exact phrase:

God is faithful, through whom you were called 

into fellowship with His son, Jesus Christ our Lord....

There has no temptation taken you but such as man can bear;

but God is faithful,

who will not let you be tempted above what you are able;

but with the temptation will also make a way of escape 

that you may be able to endure it.

It's those 3 simple words that stick out to me. In the second verse above it's interesting also that He didn't promise a way out of our temptations and struggles - but enables us to endure it. What's up with that? Why didn't He provide a pre-planned escape route? That would have made sense to me. 

So I thought about that for awhile and finally reached my conclusion. In the first chapter, the first use of the phrase, Paul is explaining our calling - it's not about traveling the world and preaching (although that's what I always dreamed of doing), teaching Sunday School, pastoring a church, or anything else in "ministry." It's really that simple. We do not have to go to Bible college, serve on a deacon board or anything else to "fulfill" our call - it is plain and simple - the believer's true call is to fellowship with Him. And you know what's cool about that? The caregiver isn't left out! We can fulfill our calling from our living room!

Once again God has made it easy to get to Him. He may not have pre-planned an escape route to help us escape our troubles and struggles - but He made sure we could always get back to Him. As a matter of fact, He ensured that before He ever said, "Let there be light!" 

Today, I will meditate on these 3 simple words: God is Faithful. I'll turn my thoughts to how He planned out a route back to Him before time began. I'll think about how He sustains us and empowers us right in the midst of our pain. I will rejoice in knowing I can make one more day - and I will rest in Him. Will you join me?

Making a List - Checking it Twice

This morning I continued reading in 1 Peter. I've been meditating on how what He has given us is eternal and wanted to continue that thought. A caregiver's life or even each day canWe  be topsy turvy with things changing on a dime, some days everything is uncertain. This makes it difficult to make plans with family, activities or any thing like that. You never know what a day will bring - we kinda learn to go with the flow and adjust as you go. I think the constant change in a caregiver's life, day, hour and second is why I'm finding these un-change-ables so intriguing.

So this morning I made a short list from 1 Peter 2: 9. Here are four things that will not change for us as believers no matter what picture life paints:

We are a chosen race

We are a royal priesthood

We are a holy nation

We are His possession...

For me, looking at how drastically my life changed with that phone call over 8 years ago - it gives me something solid to stand on just knowing His kingdom didn't change that day, nor did my status in His kingdom.

In the natural - we can't change our race no matter what we do. We cannot change our blood line no matter what we do. We cannot change our birthright - even if we don't accept it. I'm starting to love these things!! Just thinking about how we are His kids and will always be His makes me smile. 

Today I will continue thinking about how His kingdom stands no matter what happens in this earthly kingdom. My thoughts will be on being apart of the God-race, a member of the holy nation of God and part of His royal priesthood. I will focus on being His possession, His kid, the one He loves and I'll rest right there for the day. Will you join me?

Beyond the Reach of Change

For some reason, the last few days have been particularly difficult for me. Memories flooding my mind of the way my son was BC (before the crash) just kept flowing. Sometimes I have to stay off social media to protect myself from seeing what his friends are doing. I'm happy for them, but he got cheated out of life.

I'm still learning new strategies to combat depression and other crazy emotions that go along with caregiving. One of them was of course, getting back to writing my devotions down here. And that's why we are here! :-)

Yesterday I made a few decisions about work and projects that gave me quite the energy boost. I sorted through the things on my plate and am removing all non-essentials. I found that when I took control rather than feeling like I was underneath the load of it all - my energy, perspective and emotions took a huge swing in a positive position.

This morning, when I woke up and reached for my Bible I was thinking I needed to read something about how He accepts us just like we are. This might offer me some affirmation of some sort and help me go ahead and kick those mully-grubs on away.

I found myself in 1 Peter looking for a particular verse that I honestly don't recall right now; but I went back and started in the first chapter where I found what I needed. Isn't that a lesson in itself? When we get in His word and dig around - He'll make sure we find just what we need!

Although this whole chapter filled my heart back up and pushed doubt, fear and depression away - I settled in verses 4-6. Here's what they say in the New Living Translation:

For God has reserved a priceless inheritance for his children.

It is kept in heaven for you, 

pure and undefiled

beyond the reach of change and decay.

And God, in his mighty power will protect you

until you receive this salvation 

because you are trusting in Him.

There was so much more in this chapter, but I bolded the words that seem to leap out at me today. What God has given us and prepared for us is pure and undefiled. Life can't mess it up!! I can't mess it up! It is pure and there is no power or time that can corrupt it. 

And this phrase: beyond the reach of change is what grabbed me. Time cannot water down what He is doing in time. Time will not erode what He has prepared for eternity. It cannot be changed. It does not matter what does or does not happen in time....What He's doing, has done and continues to do cannot be changed. Time is not strong enough to stop or change our inheritance in Him.

So even though our lives are rocked with trauma, sickness, or any other obstacle or situation - He has protected our inheritance in Him. He has protected US in Him and according to Philippians 1:6 - He'll continue working on it until time itself comes to a stop - and we step from one reality into the eternal reality and claim it!

Life can throw some hard blows - but it cannot stop what God is doing.

Each day can bring difficult challenges - but they cannot interrupt what God is doing.

Time can drag us through endless suffering - but what God is doing and has done will continue when time stops!

Today, I'm encouraged once again as I turn my thoughts to the power of the eternal. I'm not sure my head has a good grip on "eternity" but my heart sure is getting it right now! My thoughts will be on the incorruptible treasure I have in Him today. My meditations will be on the truth that what He says - goes. He won't take it back. He won't change His mind. And He won't let me go! And I can rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Are you Engaged Yet?

As a caregiver it can be easy to feel sort of "cut off" from the rest of the world. Our lives usually look much different than the status quo. And even though I can get out and about more now, there was a time I referred to my life in the cave.

The social isolation can be one of the most difficult side roads of caregiving. It doesn't seem to happen overnight, but slowly. One day you look up and realize not only has your world changed, but your people groups have too. Sadly, in many cases there are few people, if any, who can stand to walk alongside the caregiver.

We may not get invited to social events. If we do get invites, it can be difficult or even impossible to attend. Sometimes, for me, just the thought of trying to manage my schedule so it coordinates with Chris' needs, get him dressed, fed at the right time, and loaded in the van is too overwhelming to even attempt going out. This drives the stake further in and separates me from things I used to enjoy doing. Other times, I load him up and head down the road. Social life can be virtually non-existent, slowly dwindling or barely hanging on - if there is any hope of it at all.

One thing I really wish for my son is for him to have a friend. He had tons of friends before his wreck and they were all so young when it happened, they really didn't know what to do with it....or with him. What do I expect? He cannot communicate - can't hold a conversation. He can't go out with them. He can't even relate to them anymore and of course they cannot relate to him. So he is left inside himself - to battle alone. That breaks my heart and is one of the pains of caregiving.

On the other side of that proverbial coin though, is us. We are here and many times fail to communicate with God. Having discussions and conversations with Him requires faith. How many times have we (or I) failed to talk to God because we don't hear back from Him, don't think He can hear us, or we think we (or He) cannot relate to us anymore? How that must hurt His heart sort of like mine hurts for my son's lack of interaction.

God can be so easy to ignore as we go about our busy days. I have a "google mind" as one of my friends put it. It goes 900 miles an hour and each term, picture, thought or question generates pages of results over and over again. It can be tricky to get it slowed down enough to engage with God and hear Him. Just like it's difficult for my son's friends to stop long enough to communicate with Chris - whether he can engage or not. How many times do you think God tries to engage us and we sit there silently or going so fast we "don't have time" to hear Him? I'm determined to slow myself and my mind down enough to engage with Him - for He is the source of life.

Today, I will learn to "be still." I'm going to purposefully stop and listen for His input. I will step out of the way and let my heart engage with Him. I'll consider myself "engaged" to Him and anticipate his eager response. My thoughts will be on giving Him the highest seat in my heart. I will rest in Him, I will listen for His slightest move and I will rest in Him as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Superhero to Zero

There are days when I feel like Superwoman. I get adequate hours in at work, a lot accomplished on my writing, my devotions done, goals met for Chris, housework done and maybe even get us out for a nice run.

And then there are days I do not.

I'm sure I'm the only caregiver who has days where I worry a lot about what I need to get done, spend time wringing my hands, drinking coffee and staring at the wall. I'm all spaced out - I'm on overload and breathing is enough work for the day! (Am I alone?)

Of course, there are also plenty of days in between where I get tasks completed, but not near what I had hoped. Those days I have to encourage myself and reaffirm the things I did get done and just let the rest go. That's where my thoughts were when I realized - I'm not Superwoman. Not only do I not have the body build for that role, I simply can't do more than what is humanly possible. I can't do more than what is cargiving-ly possible either!

I have to hang up the cape and learn to be content with what I can get done each day. It's okay if I storm the city gates and tear down the walls only to build new ones on Monday. And then feel like Chris' basic care is all I have the energy for on Tuesday. I have no idea how we can go from superhero to zero all in a day, but we do. At least I do!

We can see in Philippians 4, that Paul may have also had some of these feelings. His caregiving was much different than ours as he had the responsibility of taking care of all the new baby Christians, and the church that was still in a baby state needing tons of extra attention to help bring order. His plate was full too - just different from ours.

It's easy to quote verse 11 where Paul said he had learned to be content in whatever circumstances he was in. But contextually, he is speaking of facing some rough times of his own. He goes on to say he knew how to live in prosperity - and with want. He knew how to be full - and go hungry if need be. He knew how to have abundance - and suffer need. The faith-ers don't like to think about going hungry, having needs or suffering. They seem to think if they ignore it it will go away - or it doesn't exist and can be confessed away. And while I am a big proponent of guarding our confessions and keeping out mouths in line with the Word, we still have to deal with the gritty day-by-day and take it as it comes.

Right now, I am struggling to keep my head above water. I've got far more on my plate than what I will be able to physically accomplish. I'm willing to hang up my cape and go from superhero to zero and be content in Him.

Today, I will turn my meditation to His provision. I will wait on Him instead of thinking I can do it all myself.  I'll contentedly be the zero in life's equation today and let Him be the Hero. Instead of worrying, I'll turn my thoughts to all the ways He has provided for me over these caregiving years - and even before. My thoughts will be on Him - not me. I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Unplugged

If anyone understands me I know it's you, my fellow caregivers. And thankfully, we are a forgiving bunch. I know I've been MIA for quite awhile but I'm refocused and ready to go again. I found myself totally overwhelmed by everything and just had to unplug for a bit. I'm all plugged in now and we're good.

Of course, caregivers can't unplug like others can as there are some things that simply cannot be let go. Even if we "take a break" there are some things that can't be ignored. I can cut back on my work, rearrange my daily schedule, simplify my daily processes like cooking and cleaning - but caregiving can't be "cut back" on.

Each day is about the same whether we're feeling it or not. We don't get to just break from bathing, feeding, dressing, or exercising our loved one just because we're on overload. Add to that complicated situation those things that may seem simple to others like aides that don't show up as scheduled, nurses who like to make surprise visits, making a living and "normal" family matters and daily life and for me it means I gotta check out for a bit and find myself in the pile. And that is why I've been MIA for awhile.

With the new year I have a new determination to do some things I want to do. One of them is keep up this blog and some others as well. I want to write some of my stuff instead of just for "the other guys." So here I am.

I opened my Bible this morning to remove the bookmark and my eyes fell on this verse from Isaiah 49:

And now says the Lord, 

who formed me from the womb

to be His servant.....

That little phrase stood out to me - He formed me to be His servant. I am made to worship Him no matter what life throws at me and no matter how crazy the days may get around me. I was born for this.

But the last phrase in this verse stood out to me as well. It says My God is my strength. Not only did He form me so my every breath and actions could worship Him, He gives me the strength to continue. Talk about a cool package deal, right? We are not out here on our own trying to find a way to keep on worshiping Him in the midst of the fiery furnace - He is empowering us to serve Him. There are no exclusions. No exceptions. No unlesses....we are His servant and He is our strength. I like that.

Today I will meditate on being born to worship and serve Him. I can do that with intention today. I'll refocus my thoughts and actions on how He empowers me to walk with Him, how He carries me through the rough days and walks with me through the lighter ones. I'll think about what it means to be invited to walk with Him, the King of Kings. And I will rejoice once again that He has not left me to face life alone. I'll be content in Him and rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?