Crazy Days of Caregiving

Forgive me for my absence. Chris and I have both been sick with whatever viruses are running rampant right now. It's no fun being sick yourself, or watching your loved one feel ill. But I know you understand how difficult it is to care for someone else when you are not feeling up to par. As caregivers, we don't even get time to be sick. What can you do, right? Our loved one still needs to be bathed, changed, fed, gotten up, etc. Who has time to lay in bed and recover? lol

Add to that this frustration. I get up. I'm tired. I'm sick. I can barely get myself out of bed. I think, the aid will be here at 9. He can help me get Chris up. Guess who doesn't show up? And guess who hasn't shown up for nearly 2 weeks now? Yup. A glimpse at the life of a caregiver. We have to laugh to keep from crying.

Well, no matter what, I am upright once again and the doctor is coming to check Chris out today. Maybe we are on the mend, finally. As I get back around and try to get back to the normal crazy days of caregiving, I'm reminded of a scripture from Psalm 119. Verse 50 says this This is my comfort in my affliction, that Your word has revived me. The old KJV says that your word has quickened me. Put life in me - made me feel something again. And that is where I am right now in life.

The word continues to quicken me, put life in my tired old body. I can be as tired as all get out, exhausted from either being sick or taking care of Chris, and the right word at the right time can rejuvenate me. One verse can just pop out at me and change my perspective about my day. May it always be that His word puts life in me like that! As long as His word quickens me - pours supernatural energy in my soul - touches my heart... I will be comforted. I'll know I'm okay. If the word no longer touches our hearts  - it's time to do some deep soul searching to find out why.

It's amazing to me how the entrance of His word brings light into the dark night of the soul. His word can just march right into the depths of my hurting heart and touch just the right spot, add a spark of life and bring comfort to my soul. It's amazing to watch it work. My part is to always position myself so that His word has room to change me. May caregiving ever become a distraction to His word. May my heart never be so burdened with the cares of caregiving that I can't be touched by His presence. May I always be tender enough toward Him that just reading His word quickens my soul.

Today, I will meditate on His word and I will purposefully position myself to hear Him. My thoughts will be on how I can keep myself in a place of humility - ready to receive from Him. I'll remind myself He is still here, He hasn't left, He hasn't moved, He isn't going to. And I'll rest in that today as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

I'm No Job

Let me just get this out there - I'm no Job!  I've been thinking about him a lot and how his response to trouble when it comes is very much NOT like mine. I whine a lot more than he does and honestly, praise doesn't come that easy. Oh, I finally get there - but I always seem to take the long way around.

When Job's trouble started he went straight to his knees; and when it got even more complicated He worshiped. I did not. He seemed so at peace with his life whether he could physically see God's blessings or was standing there stripped bare. Job said we need to take both good and bad from the hand of the Lord. And he said that when things were bad.

For a long time now I've noticed that people tend to say "God is good" only when things go their way. You know, they get a raise, their loved one escapes a horrific wreck, a kid graduates from college, or someone gets healed. Why is it we don't hear that when someone gets fired, a loved one is injured in a car crash or a kid drops out of college? lol I notice we only  say it when the world is on our side.

Here stands Job who was more than just a wealthy man. His "friend" Eliphaz describes Job in the first part of chapter 4 as one who encouraged many a troubled soul to trust in God and as one who supported the weak. Yet here he stands with empty hands and broken body still trusting God. Now sadly, I cannot say I've done that.

This weekend was a series of events that left me emotionally drained and fighting off a cloud of depression. I'll spare you the details because I assume as caregivers you've at least been there on occasion. For me it's  about the time some things seem to be coming together, my son makes improvements, work is constant and I am keeping up and this very abnormal life is chugging along decently, then some little cog gets stuck and I get stuck once again. I stomp around a bit, shake my fist at God for letting this happen to me and my family, and just get overall grumpy.

It seems the whole point of Job's test was to see if he would curse God to His face. But Job did not. He continued to trust, continued to praise, kept on worshiping, and did not waiver in his faith. I on the other hand, when I crash like I did this weekend, eventually come back around to trust and worship. Maybe my trip through emotional distress back to worship isn't taking quite as long as it used to, but I still crash and take that little journey. I can definitely say I am no Job. But I am getting there. Slowly.

Today, rather than condemning myself to die a thousand deaths (lol) I'm going to encourage myself to worship. I'll turn my focus to the things I've seen God do rather than what I think He's not doing. And even though it's not been my immediate response, I'll say with Job blessed be the name of the Lord. I'll remind myself that God is good period, no matter what happens in the day of a caregiver's life. I'll meditate on His goodness, His forgiveness, and His never-ending mercy toward me today. And for just one more day - I'll lay aside my emotions and worship Him for who He is - not for what I want. I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Oh for Grace to Trust Him More

My thoughts are all over the place this morning and I'm trying to reel them back in and keep them balanced. I'm sure I'm the only one who ever has to do that, right?

Cargiving is not for the weak of heart, that's for sure! But today it's not having the heart to carry on - it's the battlefield of the mind that is the problem. In my heart, there's no question. The stamina is there and no choices need to be made at this point.

But my head has to deal with the day-to-day struggles of caregiving. There are so many things going on around me right now that just set me off the edge with tons of questions. Some are simple, like why? I wonder why this ever had to happen. Why my son was ripped away. Why my shattered heart can't heal. Why the grief doesn't go away. Why my life was boxed up and seemingly put on hold.

I've said before it's not the actual caregiving that is the difficult part, it's the heart issues, the living grief and the beating your emotions take on the journey. And that's where I am today. Sorry. But I've learned it is better to be brunt and honest about my emotions - it's the only way to "move on."

In my mind, I see myself like a little girl gathering up this bundle of problems and heading to the throne to see how God is going to fix it. I stand there with my arms full, tears running from my eyes and looking at God with no words left to say. It feels like my life is a big why followed by a huge question mark.

I can think of several scriptures but none bring comfort, none make it all better. Real and raw still exists. It never really goes away, I just deal with it better on some days than on others.Somehow I have to figure out how to put on my big girl panties and walk through one more day.

So, I turn my mind away from my pain and grief and to His word. I think about Joseph and how dejected and lost he must have felt sitting in the dark, dank dungeon for something he didn't do. He figured out how to trust. And I think of Job (I think I'll read Job this week). He lost everything but trust. He didn't even hope God would restore him, he just trusted God with his life. I want to be more like that, even on days when it doesn't come so easy, days like today.

And that is what I will do. I'll think about Job's words, two scriptures stand out. I first think of how he answered his wife when she said he should just give up and die. He answered her with this: Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity? I have to agree. I get so tired of people using the phrase "God is good." when everything goes there way - but I don't hear it at all when things are not going like they planned. He is good period. It's irrelevant whether things are going good or bad - God is good.

The second thing out of Job is his ultimate statement of trust: Though God slay me - yet will I trust Him. That's where I want to be too. I WANT to say that I trust Him on mornings like this when life is crushing me. The words to an old hymn come to mind:

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You

How I've proved You o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

Oh for grace to trust him more...

Today I will meditate on these two scriptures out of Job. I'll pull out my guitar and sing through the verses to this song and let the words sink in. I know God's not trying to slay me...so I need to trust Him to carry me through these times when trust comes harder. I'll turn my meditations to thinking about the times I know He carried me, provided for me and my family and showered me with His great love. I will work on keeping my thoughts there today... and I will trust Him for one more day... will you join me?

As Honest as a Psalmist

I was working on a project over the weekend and found myself enjoying the depth of the Psalms once again. I know I spend a lot of time in these chapters, but I've always enjoyed them. Maybe it's because I am a songwriter, a poet or always running from a lion. (lol)

For whatever reason, my love for the psalms and identifying with the psalmists who wrote them have grown over the years. The candidness about their true feelings and how they turn the related emotions around into pure worship amazes me.

This morning I found myself back in Psalm 37, one of my long-time favorites. Although the entire chapter is wonderful, my focus remained on the last two verses where David says:

The Lord saves the godly;

He is their fortress in times of trouble.

The Lord helps them,

rescuing them from the wicked.

He saves them,

and they find shelter in Him.

I zeroed in on two or three things that stuck out to me. First of all, not once, but twice, David mentions the Lord saving the godly. He saves them - He is their fortress. He saves them - He is their shelter. I'm not sure what the technical difference is between the two, but to me a fortress is a shelter, but a shelter is not necessarily a fortress. Whether He is our shelter or our fortress (I'm thinking a fortress is bigger and stronger and more stable than a shelter) we needed saving. Either way I figure, He's got us covered!

The second thing that grabbed my attention was the phrase: in times of trouble. We don't need "saving" from nothing. I live in Oklahoma and we only go to the cellar when there is a storm, but we don't live there all the time. God is our fortress in times of trouble. For the caregiver, I think this is an ongoing thing. Maybe it's just me - but it seems every day I am faced with discouragement, raw emotions, struggles, fears and uncertainty. I find I need Him every second of every day.

If I am as honest as a psalmist - I'd tell you how my thoughts and emotions have tried to run away with me this weekend. I'd tell you my soul was in despair.  If I was as honest as a psalmist I'd say my emotions tried to carry me away on a stream of fear. I'd tell you I've told God I don't know if I trust You anymore. If I was as honest as a psalmist I'd tell you I've questioned everything. 

But if I were as honest as a psalmist I'd also tell you I've learned to rely on God for everything. I'd tell you I have clung to Him more tightly and every doubt, fear and moment of uncertainty have ended up in deepened praise, raw worship and utter amazement at the glory of God.

Today, I will turn my thoughts to His glory rather than my story. I will on-purpose run to Him with my raw emotions and crazy thoughts and I will give them all to Him. I will back up and live out verse five of this psalm. I will commit everything I do to Him, and trust Him to help me. And as my life is poured out in this act of worship, I will rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Abraham's Faith

So this morning I'm reading through Romans 4 about Abraham and his faith. In the 20th verse, it says his faith never wavered. Let me explain first thing - I'm no Abraham. I am honest and open about the fact my faith has wavered; and the first to admit I've totally lost it a few times along the way.

It makes it difficult to face challenges in life when we are indirectly (and sometimes directly) taught that circumstances occur because we don't have faith. Faith-ers have this distorted view that says if you believe hard enough and are good enough at it nothing bad will ever happen to you or your family. That just simply doesn't bear out in scriptures, as we've discussed here before.

If faith prevents difficult situations there's be no faith building stories like David and Goliath, Moses and the Red Sea, Joseph in prison, Paul and Silas in Prison or Jesus on the cross. That's just to name a few. It was in  the struggle we see their faith, not the fact that they believed to avoid it.

We hold on to the stories in scripture where we see God prevail. David took Goliath down! Joseph wasn't always in prison and did see his dreams come to pass. Moses crossed that Red Sea, Paul and Silas got out of prison and Jesus rose from the grave!! But each of them had to walk through the difficulty to get to the end. Even Job held on to faith in dire circumstances and even though God restored everything to him - he never got his first kids back. He suffered loss and clung to faith.

So as I am reading about Abraham's faith in Romans 4, all these stories are going through my head. The act of faith is not avoidance - it's the circumcision of the heart. Abraham believed God before the covenant of circumcision. Verse 11 says the circumcision was a sign of his faith. It didn't cause him to have faith, but was an outward demonstration of the covenant of faith.

In verse 20 where it talks about Abraham never wavering in his faith it says instead of wavering, his faith grew stronger. I know my faith has been totally redefined, especially since I got into this caregiving gig through great tragedy. I'll tell you I lost it altogether a time or two. But I always come back around.

While I cannot honestly say that I have not wavered in my faith during the trials of life, I can say I have seen my faith grow. Even though it's been totally redefined and may not look like I thought it would. I can say my faith in God (not just what He can do) is continuing to grow. If you'll take a close look - it's likely your faith is being strengthened too. Maybe it just looks like determination that says to God - I won't let go of You! even when we don't understand. Maybe it looks like running to Him to find answers that remain fuzzy. Maybe faith looks like tears streaming down your face asking Him why one more time. No matter how it looks - if you are still at his feet - you have faith.

Romans 4:20 says Abraham's faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God.

So if you are still standing, even on wobbly knees. If you are still trusting, even with shaky heart. If you are still praying, even silently because words are gone. If you are still wondering and quietly seeking Him even if you didn't want to sometimes. Your faith is bringing glory to God; and I believe He is pleased.

Today my thoughts will be on how He finds pleasure when I pursue Him - no matter what life looks like from here. I'll turn my thoughts to the fact that He's still right here - and He has me in His heart - and I can't escape. My meditations will be on the fact that I don't have to work to please Him - He's happy with my faith, my trust and the fact that I am bound to run to Him. And I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

The Right Kind of Changes

There's no doubt the wilderness changes you, and caregiving can be it's own special kind of wilderness experience. Social interactions change, getting out changes, friendship statuses change, work can be different; just about every aspect of life can be different after we become a caregiver. For some, the changes may be less dramatic, but for others they are enormous. In my particular situation virtually everything changed. How we deal with these changes is a good indicator of our character.

Actually, how we deal with the wilderness reveals unique aspects of our character. The wilderness changes you. I was reading in Hebrews over the weekend and spent quite a bit of time in chapter 4, but this morning I backed up a bit because I wanted to see why the writer started talking about entering into God's rest.

Just before the author's discourse on God's rest he was talking about the children of Israel and how they failed to enter God's rest. Their choices in the wilderness were what separated them from His rest. My loose interpretation is: these same people who loaded up their stuff, spoiled the Egyptians and followed Moses out of slavery to freedom - lost it in the wilderness. They stopped believing God's promise, disobeyed Him and missed the opportunity to enter His rest as a result.

The wilderness isn't an easy place to be. And if you want to look at it one way - Moses was the caregiver for a million rebellious people. How'd you like to tote that around for awhile? They were willing to go with him when they packed up and left the cruelty of Egypt. What were they expecting? Of course they ran smack dab into the Red Sea - God stepped in. And then they ran out of fresh water - God stepped in. And even though they saw God's hand over and over again - they chose to rebel and complain. They were so hardened they missed the opportunity of enjoying His rest. The wilderness changes you.

As we walk through the wilderness of life - we will make choices; we will make changes. One of the first cries of my heart when my son became injured was that I would draw closer to God, not pull away and not become bitter. My desire has been to let life's crucible squeeze out a sweet fragrance and that my life would be lived in a state of worship.

I have not always accomplished this. I have fought, and fit, and spit and cussed many times. I've argued, faltered, given up and been angry more times than I can mention. But in the end - I cling to Him rather than fighting against Him. The wilderness experience forces us to make deep and lasting decisions about our faith and our relationship with God.

Today, I will seek to enter His rest. I'll reflect on the ways the wilderness has changed me - the good and the bad. I'll rejoice in the good and give Him the bad and ask Him for grace. My thoughts will be on His ever-abiding presence and how He hasn't left me in the dry wilderness even when I became a hot mess. I'll embrace His grace today and be thankful for the changes He's brought about in my life, even in the wilderness. Will you join me?

Safe Keeping

As usual, my mind kicked into high gear as soon as my alarm went off this  morning. I've got so much to do! On one hand, that's a good thing because I don't tend to push the snooze as many times when my mind starts running through today's to-do list before I get one eye open. On the other hand it's very tiring.

I will freely admit I am an over-thinker. I either have hundreds of questions to ask before a statement is finished, or I've worked through 101 scenarios in my mind of what could occur, knowing most likely none of them will!

I do the same thing with caregiving and daily life. As I'm going through my list of gotta do's today, and some get-to-do's too, I realize there really is a lot more than just caregiving on my plate. As I mentioned earlier this week, the aide quit so I've not had any help in the daily chore arena for about 2 weeks - and there's no aide in site.

I never thought of myself as a juggler, just not that coordinated; but lately I'm wondering if I should try again! lol. As caregivers we juggle a lot - our daily caregiving tasks, household chores, finances, and maybe when we are lucky some sort of social interactions. Add to that the fact that many of us hold down full or part time jobs or go to school and we can be a hot mess at any time. What's a caregiver to do?

So while my mind was running through the health coaching session I have scheduled for this afternoon, the work I need to get done for my job, how I'm going to try to relax and just enjoy my grand kids today while they are here, whether or not I should go to taekwondo tonight and rescheduling my late payment I got an email about today, I had this novel idea. How about I just give it all to Him?

Of course my mind went to 2 Peter 5:7 - Casting all your care on Him for He cares for you. Actually, I'm learning that this is the easy part. I can give it all to Him for safe keeping. He will guard my soul, he will provide in the area of finances, and He will give me peace in the midst of my day. So what's the problem?  I keep going back to pick up what I've given Him for safe keeping - like I'm there to pick up a scheduled delivery!

It's one thing to give it all to Him and quite another to leave it with Him. I can give it to Him - but will I trust him with it? 

Today I will seriously put my efforts into learning to leave my cares with Him for safe keeping. I will meditate on 2 Peter 5:7 and figure out how to give Him my worries and concerns. My thoughts will be on trusting Him for another day - and letting Him establish His peace in my heart while I wait for Him. I'm trusting Him with one more day - will you join me?

Rambling Thoughts

Today is one of those days where I woke up and my thoughts were running away with me. Seriously, my thoughts are all over the place. When I first got up, something someone said yesterday started running around in my head and it went mentally viral from there.

I work for an SEO company - we work on websites. Its founder is a believer and a group of us meet online to pray for the company and all the employees. During that meeting yesterday, someone told me that God would restore these years to me. 

I know the guy meant well, but even as my heart can agree my head can't grasp that thought. My biggest question is How? I have become very familiar with the story of Job and everyone gets all excited at the end of the story about how God restored his fortunes (I had none of those before my story began! lol), and Job had 10 more kids! Yippee!!

I'm not overlooking or lessening the work God did in Job's heart and I understand the story had a good ending. But Job didn't get his first set of kids back either. That was a loss that could not be made up for. Let's be clear, I don't want any more kids - I'm too old for that!

When I think of "restoration," my mind goes to Joel and how he prophesied that God would restore all the cankerworm had destroyed. Caregiving can be like that worm that chips away at life one piece at a time. Can God put that back? Can He heal a living grief? Can He make restoration?

 I have to hold to God's word and know that He is able to restore in ways I don't even understand. And then....I just have to trust Him...for one more day. Then tomorrow, I'll trust Him for another. and so, in my crazy thoughts I come full circle back to the heart of the matter - trusting Him.

No matter how He chooses to restore, or what that looks like for each of us, it's all about finding that place of trust. Job said, even if God kills me, I will trust Him. So no matter what a day brings, or doesn't bring we have to keep our hearts in His and live in a continual state of waiting on Him.

Today I will picture my heart in His and do what I need to do to keep it there. My thoughts will be on trusting Him just for today, and I'll rest in that spot. I will give Him my concerns, my worries, my crazy thoughts and I will wait to see how He works on my behalf. I will trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

But Can I Forgive God?

Over the weekend, I was looking at the lives of Joseph and Daniel two extraordinary men in the Bible. The two have a lot in common such as interpreting dreams, great wisdom from God, and they were both in captivity. I was writing down some notes on these two when I realized something different about the two of them. They both had to come to the place where they forgave.

Daniel and Joseph were held captive against their wills. In Joseph's case, he had to forgive his brothers for betraying him first of all. Then he had to forgive Potiphar's wife for lying on him and putting him in prison for something he didn't do. He was kind of a double captive. Nonetheless, he had to come to a place to forgive.

For me, I chose to forgive the young man driving the vehicle who caused the wreck that injured my son. At first it was easier really. Then over time it became difficult and was just a choice, but not a true action of my heart. I've had times I was angry with him. He got to go on living, graduated college, playing the drums, getting married, teaching - like my son wanted to do. But unforgiveness doesn't bring my son back - nor does it make my life any easier. Day by day it's a choice to not carry bitterness or a grudge. I'll be the first to admit it ain't always easy.

But on top of forgiving the person at fault (if there was one) the caregiver has to forgive God. This may be one of our biggest hurdles. Ultimately, it's His fault we are caregiving, whether we are caring for a child, a parent or someone else. If we believe God is truly in control then at the bare minimum He let it happen. This was a very tough spot for me for a very long time.

Eventually though, I forgave God. I found that unless I forgive Him, it's very difficult to trust Him again. But you know what? If we can't quite find that spot on any given day - we can express it to Him. He is big enough to carry it. I usually tell Him exactly what I feel, how angry I am at Him, how frustrating life is, or how disappointed I am with how He orchestrated life. And so far - He hasn't fried me down to my toenails - and chances are He won't.

I believe He honors a heart that is honest with Him. He is strong enough to carry our loads; and us as well. He never kicks us to the curb, but patiently waits for us to pour out our hearts before Him. I'm sure Daniel and Joseph had their moments. They had to; they were in some very tough circumstances. Let us learn to pour our hearts out before our King in open honesty. When we trust Him with the worst - He amazingly fills us up with His grace.

Today I'm going to rejoice in the fact that I don't have to hide my true feelings from God. I can talk to Him one-on-one. I can pour out all the bad, and good, things in my heart before Him and He will refresh me as I wait on Him. My efforts today will be to be bluntly honest with God. I'll turn my thoughts to the grace He supplies when I really pour it all out before Him and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Only One Word

I've always been intrigued by the story of Job in the Bible. When I was younger I didn't really get it; but as life unfolded it made more sense. And even though I would never even try to compare my situation to the hardship Job endured, I feel like in a small way I can relate to some of Job's experience. I have been known to look at people with open mouth and a blank stare when they compare themselves to Job and all they have is something like a broken fingernail or a flat tire. Ever hear one of those stories? Their car broke down or something and they are claiming they understand Job. And I'm like, really?

I'd have to say a caregiver's life is not nearly on the scale of what Job went through but it does help bring some understanding. Sadly, I'll never be able to say I didn't "sin with my mouth" during my journey of faith, but I can say I've always come back around to trusting God. Maybe that's the important part....

Here's what I was thinking about Job this morning. I skimmed through some of the discourse between he and his friends and still find ignorance amazing. Poor Job. Here he was having lost literally everything and now his friends are grieving him more by telling him it's all his fault because he had to have sinned somehow. I will say on this caregiving journey I had feelings that God must be punishing me and that there was some way I had displeased Him or He would not have allowed it to happen. Of course, as I read through all our Bible heroes I realized we all face something.

So I don't know how long Job was bullied by his friends and kept denying he'd done something wrong, but what I noted is that when God spoke - He said not one word about it. He didn't tell them Job was cool and his friends were crazy. When He finally spoke up He asked them Where were you?  I love chapter 38 as God describes HIS account of creation and how He set the boundaries for the waters of the earth and told "their proud waves" they could only come so far! These last chapters of Job are powerful as God and Job interact with God asking the questions and Job having no answers.

Then at the very end of chapter 42 God instructs Job's friends to go offer a sacrifice and have Job pray for them. How humbling that must have been for them after all they put Job through. And verse 8 sums it all up- God says to the friends: My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer on your behalf. I will not treat you as you deserve, for you have not been right in what you said about me, as my servant Job was. (NLT)

All that talking they did and God told them they were wrong in what they said about Him, and Job was right. That's all Job got - just that little phrase. But it was one word from God! And it was enough. By looking at God's answer to Job and his friends, I have to think Job was so confident in his relationship with God that he never questioned it. He knew he was righteous no matter what life hurled at him.

Today I am going to meditate on how God's righteousness is enough to cover me during the trial. My thoughts will be on how my righteousness is in Christ and there is nothing in heaven or in earth that can remove it from me. And I'm going to confidently rest in Him today. Will you join me?

Reminding Ourselves

As I was reading through Psalm 71 in my morning devotions I recalled an old hymn called, Remind Me Dear Lord. I only remember a few of the phrases of that old song but sometimes it's really how I feel. At times I really need Him to remind me that I am still His child, He still loves me and He is still with me. Other times I need to remind myself of these solid truths.

I assume that David wrote Psalm 71 but it doesn't say that for sure - just that it is a prayer of an old man. Sometimes caregiving wears us down until we can just feel old. This Psalm was a great reminder for me this morning.

First of all, I noticed the things the psalmist reminded himself of regarding how he had reacted to God. He said things like:

• In You I have taken refuge
• Be to me a rock - to which I can continually come...
• My mouth is filled with Your praise
• I will hope continually; I will praise you more
• I will make mention of Your righteousness - Yours alone
• I will praise you with the harp
• I will sing praises with the lyre
• My lips will shout for joy when I sing praises to You
• My tongue will utter Your righteousness all day long

That's a lot of determination, hope and courage right there! Maybe he can say these things because they are mixed in with a variety of declarations he makes regarding his relationship with God. He says things like:

• You are my refuge
• You are my rock and fortress
• You are my hope
• By You I've been sustained since birth
• You took me from my mother's womb
• You are my strong refuge
• You have taught me from my youth

These are all powerful statements of faith, I think. He is declaring his absolute trust and confidence in God and reminding himself of all God has done over the years of his life. As caregivers it can be easy to feel like God and life have forsaken us and left us to drown in day to day responsibilities. These are some wonderful declarations we can make that help us remember who He is to us - and help us remind ourselves that we will continue to trust and stand.

But here's the other thing I noticed in this Psalm: the psalmist sheer desperation. Right in the middle of trusting Him and hoping in Him the writer lets us see the pain that's in his heart. He says things like:

• Listen to me and save me
•  Rescue me from the hand of the wicked
• Do not cast me off 
• Do not forsake me when my strength fails
• Do not be far from me
• Do not forsake me

For some reason this really encouraged me today- to see that the psalmist was in a state of despair with trouble all around and yet he did what was important and needful. He called on God for help, ran to him for refuge and continued to declare his trust in Him.

Today my meditation will not be on surrounding troubles or on the struggles we face as caregivers. My thoughts will be on the fact that I'm gong to continue to trust Him no matter what a day brings. I will sing. I will praise. I will continue to run to Him. I'll take some time today to think about all I have seen Him do in my life and in the lives of those I love; and I will be thankful. Will you join me?

Still Can't See!

I've been thinking about Joseph a lot over the last few weeks. He was another Bible hero who spent some time not being able to see just what God was doing in his life. It had to be so hurtful and difficult to deal with not only the rejection by his brothers, but being sold into slavery.

If all that weren't bad enough he ends up going to prison for something he didn't do. Honestly, I'm sure somewhere along the way I might have quit. While Joseph's intense struggle isn't described in scripture, we can imagine that he endured heart wrenching agony. And it went on for years.

We read the story of Joseph in a matter of a few minutes sometimes without realizing the impact of the number of years that  passed. He sat in prison. And sat. Then sat. And then sat some more. And the prison he was in was not anything like our prisons today. As harsh of an environment as today's prison are they would be plush and luxurious by comparison.

I have to wonder what he thought about. Did he go over the dreams he'd been given as a young man and wonder if they were going to happen? You know he had to miss his family, but that was nothing new. Did he wonder what his brothers told his dad? Maybe he had dreams that Jakob, his dad was going to find him and come swoop him up and take him back home. I wonder all of this because it sounds like what I would do.

When my son was first injured in the automobile accident and we were sitting for three long weeks in ICU, I kept thinking God was going to swoop in on His white horse and whisk us away. But of course, it didn't happen like that. Instead, like in Joseph's situation, it just kept dragging out year after painful year.

Do you ever wonder how Joseph kept it together over the years? I mean he was in a tough spot that just got tougher but still managed to keep his faith. And it's important to note that he didn't have a Bible to resort to. He couldn't pick up the Bible like we can and go read Psalms for comfort or Proverbs for wisdom. He had far less than we do.  He had nothing. 

We know he kept the faith even when he couldn't see by something he told his brothers as it all began to unfold. He said to his brothers that what they meant for evil, God meant for good. (Gen. 50:20) He recognized that even though life came at him, God had  sent him before to prepare the way for his family to be preserved. God's cool like that. He can turn sticky situations into something good. And many times He does it right under our unsuspecting noses.

Joseph kept the faith through some very dark circumstances. God continued to use him to interpret dreams and to share wisdom. As a caregiver it can be easy to feel like we don't have anything to contribute. And quite honestly, people feel sorry for us and don't require a lot out of us. But that's no excuse.God never says never mind. He doesn't take back dreams, calls or visions. Whatever He says about us doesn't change because we become a caregiver. Even though the journey was difficult, God fulfilled what He desired in Joseph's life.

No matter how good or how bad it might look right now - God is still in control. He hasn't forgotten about us. He hasn't changed His mind about us. He is still our God. He is still a loving, caring King who is concerned about everything that concerns us. He remains faithful - even in the midst of the dark stormy night. We can't do a thing to change that about Him! I sure am glad.

Today I will meditate on how God never changes. I'll turn my thoughts to how He continues to watch over us no matter what a day brings - or doesn't bring. I will keep my thoughts focused on how unchanging He is when life around us is in a whirlwind. Nothing scares God. Nothing can make Him give up on us. I will not give up on Him. Will you join me in trusting Him for one more day?

It is a Good Thing!

I've been spending some time trying to get myself back together. As if the caregiver doesn't already have enough on their plate - life goes on and sometimes it can feel like it's throwing repeated blows. Enough to knock many people out - but not the fearless caregiver! *smile*

One thing I've found many caregivers deal with is depression. Hey, caregiving is not an easy life and it can get you down. We can't say anything about it - can't always admit it - and don't always have to deal with it; but it can be a struggle for some. For many it is a constant struggle - that includes me.

When you are fighting depression, everything is heavier and it can be very difficult to get a positive perspective on anything. But this morning as I was finishing up my devotions I had something happen and I just started thanking God for the good stuff. At times, it can even be difficult to figure out where the good stuff went. But if you look long and hard - and if you have to longer and harder - there is always something to give Him thanks for. My thanks for today started with bank accounts that have positive balances. (Don't laugh - it's real!) I checked the balances and just said, "thank you" to the Lord. And once I said that, I was able to think of something else to be thankful for...and then something else.

Psalm 92:1 says: It is a good thing to give thanks to the Lord! Even though many of the things that cause stress have not been removed from my prayer list, and are not answered yet...there are many things to thank Him for. I can thank Him for breath, life, food in my kitchen, my grandchildren who warm my heart, and of course my coffee! *smile* No matter how small it can seem - start thanking Him for something. Thanksgiving grows in the heart when we purposefully pursue it. No matter how small of a thing we start with - giving Him thanks for it will help us find something else to thank Him for and it will create a chain reaction of praise to Him. Try it.

Being thankful even in life's most difficult seasons can help create a positive attitude and it's a lot easier to go through the day with a positive attitude than carrying the burden of a negative one. And you know what? It really does always come back to one thing ultimately - trusting Him.

Today I will purposefully look for things to thank Him for and I will continue with an attitude of gratitude. My thoughts will be on what He has done in my life and not on what I feel is lacking. I will conscientiously trust in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Has it Come to This?

I don't know what David was going through when he penned Psalm 55, but this morning I can relate to many of the sentiments he shared. He uses words like pressure, trouble, anguish, terror, fear, trembling and horror to describe what he was going through. I certainly would not say that caregiving is all that! Actually, caregiving isn't always the worst part of what we deal with - it's the rest of life.

There have been many times I have had thoughts like David's Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away ant be at rest. Behold, I would wander far away, I would lodge in the wilderness.

We must admit that caregiving can take a lot out of you. It's not a burden as such, but dealing with all the issues that are involved can really wear you down. Then add life to the equation. For instance, my mom is in early stages of dementia and we are dealing with that. For me that means lots of talks with my daddy and siblings. And just about the time you feel you've got it under control - something else happens. My daddy was just diagnosed with cancer - it's early on and there are tests to do but as you can imagine (and may have experienced) just hearing the "c" word can be devastating.

With all these life things on my plate, I would really like to fly away and be at rest! David goes on through this psalm to discuss his situation and share his feelings of despair. I'm sure many can relate. But in verse 16 he says this: As for me, I shall call upon God. Then he ends the psalm with this phrase: I will trust in You.

Isn't that always what we come back to? No matter what life throws at us, whether we are dealing with caregiving itself or all the extraneous stuff that goes with it - It all comes down to trusting Him. Period. While we were finding our new normals in caregiving, we trusted Him. Through the many disruptions of life - we trusted Him. Through divorces, abandonment, illness, betrayal, haven't we seen it all?  We still trusted Him.

And that's what we will do with today: trust Him. That's really what it all comes down to isn't it? We've made it this far - trusting Him; and we will continue to make it trusting Him. That's what it's been, will be today and will continue tomorrow. No matter what life throws our way - we will trust Him. We've trusted Him thus far - and He has not washed His hands of us yet. And the good news is that He is still patiently waiting for us to come to Him....to trust Him.

Today I will meditate on simply trusting Him for each breath. My thoughts will be on His faithfulness instead of my faithlessness. I will just continue to trust Him. Will you join me?

Present Continuous Action

At the end of the day, we have to be honest with ourselves about everything. I have to look back and wonder if I fully trusted Him or if I tried to take the control of situations on myself.

Yesterday, we discussed Psalm 91 and today I want to look at one little phrase: I am trusting Him. It's found in the last part of verse 2. It demonstrates the present continuous tense. It means, I am trusting Him right now - and I will continue to do so into the future.

There are so many things in the caregiver's day/life that are unpredictable. We never know when our loved one might become ill, or suffer a fall even though we are careful and take the necessary precautions. Shipments of supplies often get lost and we have to make purchases to make up the difference; or aides don't show up at their scheduled time. I've had case managers and nurses call to come by at the drop of a hat. And in my instance, I never know exactly how my son is going to take any given day. Some days he's compliant and relaxed and others he is uptight and resistant for no apparent reason. After a while it can all start stacking up into a very unpredictable mess. We can find ourselves in a state of constant change trying to keep up with the craziness of each day. (Just a personal note - for us "Type A's" this can be very difficult! ) (smile)

No matter what a day brings all I know is that every day we continue to trust Him. When this caregiving journey began, Psalm 121 became very real to me. Verse 2 says My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth. I knew that we had excellent doctors and medical professionals working with my son - but they were not my help. Only the Lord could help. As the caregiving journey has continued, the depth of trust has deepened. I am trusting Him. I have been trusting Him, continue to trust Him today and the action of trusting will continue on into the future. I'm not looking for any other options.

While my son was in ICU his friend lent me a guitar. I wrote a simple song based out of Psalm 121 using basically the same words. You can watch it via my Facebook page if you'd like using this link. I recorded it in my son's hospital room. It's my declaration that I will continue to trust Him no matter what a day or life throws at me.

Today I will meditate on how He is my help whether I have human "help"' or not! I will turn my thoughts to how He watches over our souls and protects us from the inside out. My mind will be set on His ever-abiding presence and I will rest in Him. Will you join me as we continue to trust Him?

I am Your Servant

It's too bad that life doesn't have a "hold" button sometimes. Each caregiver has unique circumstances to deal with on a daily basis and it can be overwhelming. We get used to our "new normal" after awhile though. God equipped humans to be able to adjust and move forward. It can still take a long time to be "okay" with a lot of aspects of caregiving though. For instance going out can be a trying but rewarding experience for many. Even when you get used to it there is so much involved in just grabbing a few groceries it's exhausting. Common everyday tasks can be much more complicated for caregivers. Then add to that other life changes like aging parents and it can be overwhelming to say the least. In my case, my parents are aging and even though I am a caregiver for my handicapped son, my role with my parents is slowly evolving into that of a caregiver as well. What can we do when we are overwhelmed?

I know I spend a lot of time in the Psalms, but I just enjoy the way David is so open and honest about his thoughts, feelings and emotions. In Psalm 143 he is crying out for the Lord to hear his cries and in verse 4 he says my spirit is overwhelmed within me; my heart faints within me. Boy, what caregiver hasn't felt that at some time or another? There are days, thankfully not every day, where you just feel like you can't handle one more thing!

The other thing I like about David and the Psalms is that he talks himself out of it. As I read through the rest of Psalm 143 I found some strategies that I can adapt and use myself. They go something like this:

I meditate on Your doings

I stretch out my hands to you

I trust in You

I lift up my soul to You

I take refuge in You

Those statements are all mixed in with his heartfelt prayers for help. But the final statement in the psalm sticks out to me: I am Your servant. I think that with this statement David was handing it all, himself included, back to God to handle. To me it was a statement of total submission to God. Like he's praying and asking God for help, turning his thoughts and heart toward the Lord and then settling it all with a huge sigh and a I am Your servant. Period.

I think that may be the key when we are totally overwhelmed by all that life throws at us; yielding totally to Him. I want God to use everything that happens in my life to draw me closer to Him and to teach me more about Him and His ways. Personally, I don't think God causes these things to happen - they are just part of living; but since they have happened I don't want them to be wasted. I want to grow and learn in the midst of the trials. He has not given up on us and He won't stop working on us.

Today I will meditate on yielding my soul (mind, will and emotions) to Him. I will yield  my control and let God have it all: the good, the bad and the ugly! I will turn my thoughts and my heart to totally trusting Him to turn every situation around for something good. I will trust Him. Will you join me?

Committed to the Journey

The last few days we've been looking at three men of faith: Job, Noah, and Daniel. These are three of my Bible heroes along with many others. But these three men are mentioned together in Ezekiel 14. Twice, the Lord told Ezekiel that if Noah, Daniel and Job were in the land they would be delivered through righteousness. They couldn't "delver" anyone else, but they would be saved if the land was destroyed. I have spent much time pondering why He listed these three men.

What happened to Abraham, the friend of God? What about David, the man after God's own heart? Why not Moses, the one with whom God spoke face to face as a man speaks to his friend? What made Job, Noah and Daniel's stories so unique that God said these three men could deliver their own soul by their righteousness? Their situations were not similar, neither were their trials. Actually, all three faced difficult adversities of very different types. Like the caregiver has to do many times, they faced them alone.

Daniel stood by faith while he was a captive in a foreign land, Noah stood by faith in a wicked generation, and Job stood alone in the face of losing everything. No one could do it for them; and no one can carry your load for you either. Oh it's nice when someone comes to walk alongside you and it really helps to have friends or family along for the ride. But no one can do the caregiving for you. Like these three men of faith we must live what we know - we must live by faith whether we do it alone, or if others are with us on this journey.

We must be committed to the journey. The three men listed here in Ezekiel were committed to the journey of faith and they didn't let life's trials detour them. We as caregivers must be adamant about our journey of faith as well. I've found that it's not so much that I am keeping the faith; but rather it's faith that's keeping me. Our job as caregivers is a difficult one no matter what particulars we deal with each day. But we must keep putting one foot in front of the other, walking by faith. Sometimes we cannot see exactly where we are going and there certainly is no end in sight; but by faith we continue to seek God's direction for each day and simply walk it out like Job, Noah and Daniel. They did not let go - they continued to trust even in adversity.

I admire the tenacity of these three men; and I want to model it in my own life. They rocked their world because of their faith; and we can too.

Today I will meditate on what my faith means to me. I will turn my thoughts to how I can determine to trust Him more for each step I must take today. And I will thank Him that He is with me as I am committed to this journey of faith. Will you join me?

My Times are In His Hands

I can't even begin to imagine what Job went through. If you go back and read the first chapters of Job you'll see how he lost his children, his wealth and sustenance, his possessions and even his health. Sometimes I read Job when I think I can't handle anymore. Early on in my caregiving journey (and sometimes even now) I feel a great sense of loss. I had rid myself of my possessions and was headed to the mission field when my son was involved in the accident. When he was going to be released to "go home" I had nowhere to take him. Add that to losing who he was and I dealt with a heavy sense of loss for a long time.

I compensated for the losses I felt by buying anything I wanted. I'd see a movie, a book or a piece of furniture I liked and I'd buy it. It took me some time to realize I was making purchases and other allowances in my life to try and make up for the great loss I felt. I say that to say only on a very small scale can I begin to understand the enormity of loss Job had to feel. Even Job's friends didn't know what to say in the situation. When they heard of his tremendous trials they came and sat with Job. They sat in silence for seven days, because there really wasn't anything to say. I so appreciate my friends who have been present through this journey even though they may have been uncomfortable and didn't know what to say or do, don't you?

In Job 13:15, he declared, though God slays me - I will trust Him. I've heard it said that this was a lack of faith on Job's part. But I think that it was the ultimate statement of trust. Job was pretty much saying that no matter what the journey brought he was going to continue to trust the Lord.  Even though he was faced with huge losses Job clung to God. I can't say I've had that much tenacity in my situation. I've been angry and didn't care what role God wanted to play in my life. How could He let all this happen? I know nothing happens that doesn't cross His desk for approval first.

And yet gradually I worked my way back around to trusting Him for the journey. Eventually, I was able to say once again that no matter what life brought - it's better with Him than without Him. I found that He was patiently waiting. He wasn't angry, He didn't cast me away; but His gentle presence welcomed me freely. My times are in His hand declared the psalmist. (Psalm 31:15) I must rest in that truth and continue to trust Him.

Today I will meditate on trusting Him more fully. I will not worry about losses, I'll concentrate on His gentle presence in my life. I will rest in Him and trust that my times are in His hands and He's as committed to this journey as I am. Will you join me?

Without Complaint?

1 Peter 2:23 tells us that when Jesus suffered He did so without "uttering threats." I take it that He didn't yell back at His accusers or tormentors. He didn't tell them what He could do to them; and He suffered in silence. I can honestly say that I have not done that! I've said some pretty harsh things through this furnace and particularly during those really long nights. The load can become so heavy for caregivers that we speak from our pain or frustration. Many times, we don't really mean what we say - but in many cases, they are things that should never be uttered. Jesus, our example, did not speak out of turn, out of pain, and offered no complaint. He simply entrusted Himself to Him who judges righteously. 

Caregivers deal with constant pain and grief in many cases. If we follow the example our leader gave us - we are constantly presenting our pain and our situation to our Father. And we must let Him judge. Those who are on the outside of the Caregiver's Cave can be judgmental as they are just looking in at - but not actually in our situation.They can oftentimes say hurtful words, make snap judgments, or "should" on us. It can be easy for someone who is not walking through the furnace to judge. Thankfully, our Judge is not a human - He sees and knows all. He sees past our situation and into our hearts. He not only observes our deepest struggles - He understands them; and offers no condemnation.

He sees where we are and what we need; and He offers us whatever we need for our journey. Even though He is very aware of our weak spots, He offers no condemnation and supports us with His love. He offers peace, wisdom, strength...whatever we need right now to put one foot in front of the other. He has it and makes it available to us. We can rest easy in His embrace knowing that when it gets too tough - He is carrying us through.

Today I will meditate on His strength in me. I will turn my thoughts to His peace, patience and lovingkindness. I will let Him carry me when I need it. And I will rest in His embrace. Will you join me?

Faith Looks Different In the Furnace

Life brings us a series of trials. Caregivers are not exempt from trials, tribulations and troubles. We don't get a we don't get a break from life just because we are in a caregiving role. Along with taking care of another whole person, we still deal with friendships, breakups, deaths of loved ones, births, marriages and all the incidents that go with life in general. There is no exemption ticket that protects us from the rest of life just because we are a caregiver. And I'm finding that eventually, we adjust.

Most trials will pass in time; or at least settle down enough for us to handle it. The things we end up facing in life have no impact on eternity. It may be rough and tough here in the present, but our inheritance in Him is not tainted or destroyed because of the sometimes lengthy trials we must face. 1 Peter 1:3-4 tells us that we obtain an inheritance that is imperishable, and undefiled and will not fade away.  It is being reserved in heaven for us. It's not going to disappear, we just have to patiently endure tribulations in order to get to it. But it will be waiting in full!

Faith can look different from in the furnace. It's not so much a way to escape the trial as it is to face it.  The furnace exposes our faith. Verse 6 tells us to rejoice in our trials because they prove our faith in the same way fire purifies gold. However, gold is perishable; it will pass away eventually. Our faith is not perishable, it stands through it all making it more precious than gold.

Our faith is working for us while we are enduring our trial. Faith is what carries us through, even when we don't feel it. I was asked recently how I had kept the faith during my trials. My reply was I haven't - it has kept me. Faith is what holds us together when it seems our world is falling apart. Faith is what carries us through the flood, through the fire and over the mountain. It really doesn't matter if we can feel it or not - it's there with us and working for us. Today may be a good day for you - or you may feel like you are holding on by a thin thread of hope. Either way - or somewhere in between faith is working for you to ensure you can walk through the furnace; to make sure you get to the other side.

Faith comes down to trusting Him. Today I will meditate on how trustworthy God is. I will trust Him with my situation and hold on to the truth that He walks through the furnace with me. I will think about how faith cannot be destroyed even by the most intense of life's fires. I will trust Him. Will you join me?