Leave it There

Chris and I made the trip up to Guthrie this week to see my mom again. One of my sisters was there and so was daddy for a little bit. My mom is losing it a little more all the time, but she seems pleasant. She also still remembers all of us. My sister showed her a picture one of our longtime family friends posted on Facebook this week. It is of many of the old-timers who were the prayer warriors at the church we grew up in. Mama named everyone one of them! It's funny what she remembers and what she doesn't. It's like her head is running around in all her old memories and randomly pulling them out one by one. I'm thankful she has good memories for her head to get lost in.

I don't think this trip was as emotional for me, so maybe I'm adjusting. It does help to see her happy. Who'd have thought she would love bingo though?

As I was driving home, I was thinking about these ladies who led the way for us. They taught my mama how to pray and she taught me. Maybe I learned more from watching her take everything to Him in prayer... and leave it there. I remember those old school prayer meetings - these women could pray the house down for sure. I was so curious as a small child and I remember specifically being at Virgie's house and all of them in there praying. I would stand at the old screen door and cup my hands so I could see in better. I'd stand and watch for what seemed like hours. I didn't know it was training. lol

BC (before caregiving) I learned how to pray. But during caregiving, I've learned more of the leave it there part. There are times we pray but don't feel a thing and don't see any change. But we know through faith we can take our burdens to Him. He'll take them so we don't have to carry them. That can actually be difficult for caregivers. Our situations often push us to do things outside our comfort zones, things unfamiliar and difficult. But we press through. We are forced to be independent - ain't no one else gonna do it, right? We roll up our sleeves and tackle many uncomfortable and hard situations. But leaving it there - letting God have our cares, our worries, our struggles, our insecurities, is really the hard part sometimes.

1 Peter 5:7 comes to mind. Casting all your care on Him for He cares for you. That is very difficult for most caregivers. You don't often find us asking for help. We are so used to being in I'll do it myself mode - because we have to be if things are going to get done - giving Him anything at all feels like losing control. Maybe that act of taking our cares and concerns to Him and leaving them there - with Him - is what we need. It puts Him back in control - let Him care for us. I've said that before - He is the caregiver's caregiver. Let's let Him carry us. Let's let Him carry our heavy burdens and deepest concerns. His shoulders are big enough - and He doesn't get tired! Ever.

Today I will be thinking about how to cast my "anxious thoughts" over to Him. My efforts will be in letting go of them and letting Him handle them for me. I'll be taking my thoughts, worries, concerns, anxieties to Him and casting them in His lap and leaving them there. I'll meditate on how He is my caregiver - He cares for me. I will trust Him - with me. Will you join me?

Foggy, Foggy, Foggy

Once again I am sorry for my absence. I pretty much crashed and burned and ended up in that caregiver's fog. Once you're in it, it's so difficult to find your way back out again. This time it was triggered by several things. The funny thing to me is that often it's not the tasks or responsibilities of caregiving that gets me down. Instead, I find it's the more normal things that get to me. This time, it was my son's birthday.

He was 24 when he had the wreck and this year he turned 34. I think all the losses piled up on me, the thoughts of the things he missed. I see his friends marrying, having children, playing music and it wears on me. Plus, he got a couple of phone calls from family and one card. I do get it that he is nonverbal - it's difficult. But his life still matters. He is still here for a reason.

Anyway, it sent me off into a bout with depression and I spent some time trying to crawl out. This last week it broke off of me. I was thinking about some of the power chapters in the Bible. You can probably think of a few. They are just jam-packed with powerfully good stuff. Romans 8 is one of them. It's got verse after verse that you can live on. John 17 is another one. Hebrews 11 too.

I was going through those different chapters one after another and it helped me shift my thinking from my situation and back into line with His thinking. I can so easily get dragged down that road of regret or down the path of discouragement. As caregivers, we don't get tired, we are tired. Oftentimes, there's no one there to pick us up, no one to share that word of encouragement. We have to become like David who encouraged himself in the Lord. But to be totally honest, some days I just don't have it in me to do that. I need someone to pick me up. But I look around and there's no one there. So, it's back to one-foot-in-front-of-the-other just to get through the day.

So, as I was fighting like crazy to get out of the caregiver's fog once again, there was a shift. I was out running and thinking of all those power chapters and walking through them in my head when I was all of a sudden just okay. I can't even explain it. My thought was to only say what He says about me. That is my task for this week.

Today's thought is out of Isaiah 43. Verse 1 says this ...O Israel, the one who formed you says, "Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. I am His. You are His. He has not abandoned us to caregiving - He is with it. Even though it seems like no one has room for Chris in their lives anymore - God says Chris is mine. I can take that.

Today, my thoughts will run along the truth that I am His. My son is His. We are His. He has not abandoned us to fend for ourselves but walks through the fire and swims through the flood with us. I will encourage myself today with thoughts that He remains. God is with us when it's foggy and when it's not! (Talking about the caregiver's fog here... ) My meditations will be on His ever-abiding presence. And I'll rest in Him at least for today while the fog has cleared, and I'll trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

The Chosen

I was reading in Colossians three this morning for my devotions. This is a power-packed chapter Paul wrote to the early church. Not only is it still relevant, but it is full of encouragement for the believer of today.

Although the entire chapter or book, is an awesome read, I focused on the last verses of chapter three this morning. I got stuck in verse 12 though.Paul says this: So, as those chosen of God, holy and beloved.... and that's where I stopped. I know there's tons of good stuff after that, but this was an excellent stop-and-meditate place.

We are chosen by Him. We are not an afterthought, we didn't get an okay, I guess you can come too - He chose us actually before He said, "Let there be light!" And once again in this passage we find absolutely no exclusionary statement about caregivers. He didn't say, "everyone except caregivers is chosen in the beloved." We are included!

Paul goes on to say we are also holy and beloved. Not just adequate. Not temporarily holy. He made us holy through the sacrifice of Christ. He did a thorough work - a complete work and all we have to do is choose to walk in it. He doesn't see our flub-ups, our mistakes, our doubtings, or even our ranting, raving or cussing. He sees us through the veil of Christ's righteousness, holy and complete in Him.

And lastly, but certainly not the least important - He calls us beloved. That's a lot more than just an I'm-going-go-put-up-with-you-because-I-have-to attitude. He dearly loves us. Caregivers too!

Then Paul goes on to say that since we are chosen, holy and beloved we are to put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Now, there wasn't an exclusionary statement on being loved, holy or chosen - but there's also not one on the requirements put forth here. Just because we are caregivers doesn't mean we are exempt from God's requirements.

For caregivers, every day brings choices that can lead us to be hard-hearted or tender-hearted. One of my early concerns was that I didn't want to become cynical, critical and hard. That's the easy road really. Sometimes our load is so heavy it's difficult to have compassion for others. But when we let Him carry our load - it's easier to have compassion on others and help them ease their load. That may be a prayer, a card, a kind word, an offer to help in some way.

These are choices - since we are to put them on. Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience are all for the putting on. It can be a different perspective for us as caregivers. Yet we have an understanding of what others are going through and see things from an emotional aspect others might not ever get.

Today, I'm going to meditate on being chosen, holy and beloved. I'll be thankful since I know I had absolutely nothing to do with any of those choices - He made them for me. My thoughts will be on how He loves and loves and loves, and on how He cares for me like I care for my son. I'm going to choose Him today, along with compassion and humility. I'm going to lean in to Him just a little bit closer today and thank Him for choosing me. Will you join me?

Power of Thankfulness

I loaded Chris up in the van yesterday and drove about an hour north to Guthrie, Oklahoma to see my mama. She's been in a nursing facility for a few weeks now and is adjusting very well. Daddy's feelings are still hurt that he had to put her there, but I keep trying to assure him that this is the best thing for her at this point. They provide the 24/7 she needs and he gets some rest so he's not so tired or sick all the time.

She's doing well. I wish I could have gotten a picture of us though. Daddy had to run some errands so Chris and I were there with her for close to two hours. She decided to go for a walk. So she gets her walker and I get behind Chris' chair and as we are heading out the door, her snoozing roommate decides she's coming with. I helped her get up out of her chair and equipped her with her walker and off we went! A motley crew indeed! lol

Mama still knows us, for which I am very thankful. She introduced us to everyone as her "oldest daughter" and her grandson, Chris. Her conversation was all over the place. It was about "that song you wrote about God" and little pieces of memories coming out all along. But she's happy.

It hurts my heart to see her like this - as all those who've gone through this before know all too well. But I think what bothered me the most was that I was trying to remember who she was and it was difficult with who she is right now glaring in my face. That greatly disturbed me and was very emotional.

My mom was a nurse for years, a minister, a pastor - a lover of people. She still is that for sure, she went in almost everyone's room and just chatted. lol. For now, she loves her teddy bears. She talks to them as if they were small children and sings to them. It's sweet - but it's not.

After a couple of hours, I loaded Chris back up and headed home. My heart and my mind were so full and busy. I had no words. I had no emotions. I couldn't cry. (I don't usually anyway.) I was just numb.

I sat last night with coffee in hand, just thinking about life. Then Dennis Jernigan went live on Facebook. He sang so many of the older songs I remember from back when he was just getting started. I couldn't sing. But I listened and worship was like the ointment my heart needed. It brought healing.

After a while, I began to think about what I was most thankful for. It was amazing how my emotions shifted. I am thankful that all the memories running around in mama's head she's living in right now - are pleasant. I'm thankful she's happy and well cared for. I'm thankful she still knows us and enjoys seeing us. Once I shifted to gratefulness, my mind wasn't as foggy. It was a true mood changer.

Today, I'm going to continue with an attitude of thanksgiving. When my mind gets bogged down or my emotions run over, I'll start listing things I am thankful for. I'll begin with being thankful for His presence and healing touch. Then, I'll continue with how He walks with us through these times - never abandons. Maybe from there, I'll continue to be thankful that He is my shelter - a present help in times of trouble, for that I am truely thankful. Gratefulness abounds here today - will you join me? It's a game changer!

And Then it Happens....

I'm not even going to apologize for my absence. I hope you understand when I don't have it together, I just can't post. The last week or two have been extremely trying. It's really just the emotional part. Maybe you have those times when it seems like God is answering everyone else's prayers but not yours. Those times when it looks like everyone is getting a miracle... but you. Sometimes I look around and think it seems as if all the people I know are getting new cars, nice houses, large chunks of cash, getting to go to the mission field like I'd always dreamed. For me, my emotional crash usually comes when other brain injury victims make lots of progress and Chris does not.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for them. I'm glad they got all the things we were denied like therapy, castings, and intense, specialized care. But it can start to feel like God has forsaken. I ask questions like why my son? Why did God take his voice, his song? And I don't understand. Honestly, I don't ever want anyone else to go through these things - but I start to take it personally, and it just goes downhill from there. Emotionally that is.

And then it happens....


I'm minding my own business, wallowing in my own emotions and trying to find a way to come up for air. Or, I'm just letting go and wondering if I'll ever swim again, if anyone will come in after me. And He steps in....

Sometimes just the right phrase will get my attention, or the perfect song comes on the radio. Or like yesterday, out of nowhere, this scripture pops into my head. I was minding my own business and from nowhere it seemed, I just hear an old chorus we used to sing in church - taken from Proverbs 18:10.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower

The righteous run to it and are safe.

And that was all it took. My emotions leveled back out to the chaotic normals of caregiving. lol. I hummed and sang it all around the house. Shortly, I was thanking Him for being there in the midst of the storm instead of cursing Him for it. I was okay. For then. It was like we'd had a lover's spat and He was wooing me back to Him. I'm in constant awe at the massive effort He puts into chasing me, calming me and comforting me. 

Today, I will meditate on how He is that strong tower of refuge from the storm, from the battle. I will turn my thoughts to His faithfulness even through my foolishness. I'll purposefully find things to be grateful for today in the midst of life's storm. And I will make sure I stay in His embrace trusting Him just for today. Will you join me?

Making the "But" Shift

I know it's no surprise that I woke up this morning with my head going 900 miles an hour. Since I took the weekend off and that's when I do a bulk of my work and play catch-up, I am way behind. As soon as my alarm went off my head thought it was the start of a race and took off running with all the things I need to get done today.

Today is sure to be "one of those days" as the aide comes, the nurse informed me yesterday that she's coming by, and the doctor's office called yesterday to let me know they changed my son's doctor (again!) so the new one will be coming by today. I'm like really? All in one day and I'm so behind in work! ugh! You know as caregivers, days are hectic enough without any extras. lol

So as my mind took off running with all the anticipated activities for today, I sighed. I think I'm already tired. But then I thought I'd just stop. Take a breath. Take a moment to think about Him and praise Him - for no specific reason other than the fact that He is still God and He doesn't change.

When I did, this shift happened. I relaxed, even though I still have tons of stuff to do, and everything settled down around me. The shift was very apparent. I immediately thought of Psalm 3. David was worried about all the enemies he saw gathering around him - and while we don't have physical enemies most of the time, we do have emotional ones that nag and tug at us all day long. Our thoughts, emotions, grief, pain etc - can try to drag us down and under all day long, if we let them. Our souls can be surrounded by enemies.

David acknowledged his enemies - but then he made the shift. It happened with a little three-letter word. But. He said, but You O Lord are a shield about me, my glory and the One who lifts my head. He does the same thing in Psalm 5. He is praying for protection from his enemies and he shifts in verse 11 with a but. But, let all who take refuge in You be glad, let them ever sing for joy; and may You shelter them, that those who love your name may exult in You, for it is You who blesses the righteous man O Lord, You surround him with favor as with a shield.

There are several other psalms where David does this. Once we, like David, shift our focus from our circumstances and back to God - with that little "but," we change. Maybe our circumstances are not directly changed and not one thing in the natural rearranges to accommodate us, but we are looking at it from a different perspective.

Today, I'm going to make that shift. Every time my workload starts to get to me, I am going to start praising God for who He is. I'll thank Him for His patience, His wisdom, His protection, His provision... and so on. I'm making the "but" shift today as I trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

A Race Well Run

This weekend was my annual trip to Ft. Worth with my daughter. We take the train down and run a couple of races and just hang out together. It's always so refreshing and fun. We ran the 5K together on Saturday morning, and then yesterday I ran the half marathon. We got medals for the races and I got a third medal for running two races in two days. This morning, I was looking at the medals and thinking. Don't get me wrong - I love my medals. I earned them! But I think the true reward was in getting up this morning and having the satisfaction of a race well run.

Immediately I thought of Hebrews 11:6. Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. (NASB) I thought about that for a little while. I know when time is done, we'll get a reward. We will get a crown of life, plus we get to live with Him for eternity. I wonder sometimes if us caregivers get extra! lol

It's going to be wonderful, of course. Gold streets. Beautiful colors. Angels singing. Being with Jesus!!!! But the reward may be just the fact that He says, well done. I think just knowing we did it - will be rewarding. Knowing we kept the faith even during some of the most difficult situations life can throw at us. Knowing we did it. You know?

But I also think we can feel that right here and right now. Looking around and realizing we live in situations by choice that are "not fair" or not what many people would choose. I think feeling that He is pleased with me and my choice to provide care for my son is a reward in itself. As caregivers, we're sort of a different breed, and I think we look like Him - and we please Him. That's reward enough for me to make it through this day.

Today is one of those crazy days you have after a break - that sometimes keeps you from taking the break to begin with. lol (Some of you know what I mean!) But in each task that gets done, in each step through each day, we can rest assured that He is our reward. David said in Psalm 73:26 - My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. To me - that is reward enough. Whether I get a "medal" in heaven at the end of this race called life or not - I am satisfied that He is my portion. His satisfaction with me is my reward. I can wake up each morning in time knowing I'll hear well done and I'll be satisfied.

Today I will turn my thoughts to pleasing Him. I'll think about this race of life and running it with faith in Him knowing He is my portion, not just in time, but forever. My meditations will be on having faith that pleases Him, and actions that follow that faith. I'll rest in Him as I trust Him to carry me through one more day. Will you join me?

An Old Favorite

Yesterday a friend asked for prayer as they were facing some physical challenges. One of the groups I'm a member of starting praying in chat. Somewhere in the discussion following, this old favorite scripture came up. I'm sure you remember this one God is our refuge and our strength, a very present help in time of trouble. Psalm 46:1.

Someone in the group made a statement that I thought was odd. They said, "That's a good scripture, but I thought it was only for funerals."I guess it is a good one for funerals, but I've held on to it during many other troubling times in my life.

Over the years, I've found Him to be a reliable help in time of trouble. And he doesn't rank trouble. There's not a scale of 1 to 10 and He's only going to be there for anything ranked above a 5. Right? It doesn't quantify or qualify - just a pure, simple - He's there.

I'm so thankful that my situation, your situation, no situation here on earth changes one iota in heaven. The rest of that Psalm talks about the earth moving, mountains falling into the sea and scary stuff like that - and none of it moves Him.

There is not one thing on this earth powerful enough to knock Him off His throne. No situation can be presented before Him that changes heaven. It can be earth-shattering to us - and He remains faithful. Stable. Constant. Present.

Today, I'm going to remind myself of His constant presence in my life. I'll think about the fact that I haven't scared Him off yet, and I'm not likely to do so anytime soon either. I'll make it a point today to be thankful for His presence. I'll turn my thoughts to how He wants to be with me, and I'll be thankful as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Full Package Deal

I decided to take another look at the Sermon on the Mount. It's the focus of my live devotions I do for a group on FaceBook. This morning, I was looking at the Beatitudes and it sparked some thoughts.

First of all, I am so thankful not one word of it has changed, not one promise has diminished just because I became a caregiver. I know I harp on that a lot - but it is super important to know that absolutely nothing about God or His kingdom changed or was moved because my situation on earth changed.

Secondly, His word never loses strength. The power of His blood never fades. He is still merciful, peaceful, and beautiful.

As I'm looking through the beatitudes, I noticed something. Jesus said, blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. He didn't promise there wouldn't be any mourning. He just told the disciples that when there is mourning - there is comfort.

Becoming a Christian doesn't exempt us from any of life. We still have ups and downs, we still have gains and losses, friends and enemies - bad stuff still happens. We still hurt, love, cry and die. The difference is that He walks with us through life's struggles. We are not exempt from any of life because we are a caregiver either. But we are also not exempt from any of the blessings of the kingdom of God!

Jesus said in verse three blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall see the kingdom of God. Once again, there is no exclusionary statement saying unless you are a caregiver. Actually, there's nothing like caregiving that helps get us to that point where we realize we are poor in spirit, we are in a state of desperate need for Him. But, when we realize the desperate need of Him to walk through this life, He will meet us there with the entire Kingdom of God!

Today, I'm going to think about how desperately I need Him. My thoughts will be on how this flesh, this caregiving flesh, houses the Spirit of the living God. His kingdom has come near and He's not moving out anytime soon. I'll turn my meditations to how His promises still stand and I get the whole package deal - His kingdom - because I just need Him. And I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Grace Reigns

While it is a joy and an honor to take care of our loved ones, there is a very painful side to caregiving. Our hearts hurt on many levels. Personally, I grieve the loss of my son and all he could have become. I also grieve the loss of my mom - who she was before dementia. And now, as life has brought more change, I grieve for my daddy who is struggling with this part of life too. He has spent over 50 years with mama - she has been his life. Much like my son, she is still here but gone.

Last night I called my mom's sister to explain the new arrangements with mom. She didn't take it too well. She is grieving her loss of mobility as she is barely getting around with a walker at 87 and is needing more constant care. Can I say, my heart hurts?

People are mostly gracious and compassionate to caregivers. But there are times when you are looked down on as if you don't have faith - or you wouldn't be in this situation. I have felt this from church-like folks many times. They want to condemn your choices and can send some pretty negative signals. Social isolation hurts too.

A few weeks ago, I was in a down, painful spot. I felt the condemnation of those who wanted to look down on me. What I found was His grace. I sat and penned these words - hoping to put some music to it possibly later. His grace is so amazing - gently carrying me through the storm.

His Grace Reigns

Fighting the same thing over and over

I never seem to win

Like a horrid monster returning

Again, and again

When will the nightmare end?

The more the pain

The more grace reigns

Down on me

Time and again

In the midst of my sorrow

And in the deepest pain

His grace reigns

My heart is so broken

Don’t know what to say or do

The “proud and the mighty” say

“just look at you”

A sight to behold

I ask – does my walk offend you?

The more the pain

The more grace reigns

Down on me

Time and again

In the midst of my sorrow

And in the deepest pain

His grace reigns

Throw my pain back in my face

Tell me to look the other way

Because I have “no faith”?

Shame on you don’t you recall

Job prayed for his friends

Then they were healed one and all

The more the pain

The more grace reigns

Down on me

Time and again

In the midst of my sorrow

And in the deepest pain

His grace reigns

Today, I will just think about the grace He has extended to those of us hurting inside. My meditations will be on His great grace - his work of heart. As I sort through my various emotions - I'll keep turning my heart to the peace He pours out, the strength He gives when I rest in Him and the hope of His eternal love and grace. I'll crawl up in His heart today and let His grace reign. Will you join me?

Perspective

No one needs to tell you caregiving is hard. For many of us, it's one of the most difficult things we've ever faced, at least it makes the top 5 list! It's not easy physically. It is not easy emotionally. It can be draining and tiring. However, it can also be the most rewarding experience in your life. It can bring joy. For many, it drives us into a deeper, more intimate place in God. Maybe it sort of balances out in the end.

Protecting that intimate place with God is probably the most important key to keeping our sanity intact. Yet, there are moments when that seems so difficult. Those down moments. I'm sure I'm alone on this one.. right?

In many ways, I think it's our perspective that can protect us. But it can also be what sabotages us. This holds true for anyone in any situation. What we choose to hold in our gaze will consume us. We have to deal with caregiving face on, of course. But if we focus on it, it can drag us into depression, guilt, frustration and many other deep, dark places.

I understand we must be attentive to the needs of our loved one, but for me personally, nothing trips me up more than taking my eyes off Him. When I start focusing on life, and all that is going on around me - I become overwhelmed by it. The opposite is also true - when I turn my gaze to Him - I am overcome by His faithfulness, His grace, His compassion, and the truth that He chose to walk this out with me.

What we set our eyes on - will control us. It's what we give ourselves to. No wonder the author of Hebrews said fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author, and finisher of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him, who endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I had almost lost heart. I did grow weary. But just in time, I turned my gaze to Him, and He lifted me up out of despair. It's up to us what we focus on. It's up to us what changes us. When we focus on Him, we can let Him carry us again. Our perspective protects us when we choose to look at Him from our situations - no matter how good or how difficult.

Today, I will fix my eyes on Him. I'm going to shift my gaze from what's going on in this horizontal plane to what's going on vertically. I'll turn my eyes to the One who authored and finishes my faith - the One who has been carrying me - and will continue to walk through time with me. The weight of life seems lighter when I'm looking at Him. It's not as confusing or overwhelming when I fix my eyes on Him. I'll turn my thoughts away from all those things that are digging at me, and I'll meditate on His grace, on His love, on His ever-abiding presence and the peace He gives that surpasses understanding. Will you join me?

He Listened

I would say that today is a rough day, but with caregiving, that pretty much describes every day so it's nothing unusual. Today my sweet mama moves into a nursing facility where she can be watched and cared for closely. My heart grieves over my mom who is getting on in the later stages of dementia. And my heart hurts for my daddy who is grieving too. They spent their last night together last night - and this morning is the move. It's heart-wrenching. He's been her caregiver for several years already and told me he can't take care of her anymore. I assured him that this is taking care of her.

As a full-time caregiver our emotions can run on raw, and dealing with the day-to-day stuff is difficult enough. It's like that last straw that breaks the camel's back, or the last apple that upsets the applecart. Emotions can run stretched and tight. Yesterday, I let God know exactly how I felt about it all. I was frustrated, angry, disappointed and hurting. And I dumped it all out before Him. And He listened.

So, this morning as I was preparing for live devotions, two verses stood out to me. We are working our way through Psalm 119. Verse 145 says I cried to You with all my heart and then again in the next verse David says, I cried to You!  Been there - done that. I am pretty sure there's not a caregiver out there who hasn't done that! But maybe it's just me. lol.

I can pour my heart out at the foot of His throne - and He doesn't get mad at me or fry me down to my toenails. He could, you know. He listens. He waits. He lets me rant and rave. He knows I'm frustrated - He understands.

The next verse that lept off the page at me was verse 151. You are near O Lord, Your commandments are truth. And that is where I camped. How many times on this caregiving journey have I gotten to the point where I can't think, I am numb from feeling too much. It seems I know absolutely nothing. But I can break it down to two truths to hold on to.

1. I know God is there.
2. I know His word is true.

Sometimes, I just have to go back to the bare basics and whisper, God, I know you exist. That may be all I know - and I visit that thought frequently. I know He is there. No matter how rough it gets - even in my mind - I know His word is true.Sometimes that is what makes it rough - I wish I had it in me to give up, pack it all away and quit. But I just don't. His word is forever established - it was established before He said, "Let there be light!" And it will still be established throughout eternity. His word was established before the Bible was in print. (Now that's a thought.) It just leaked out of the pens of men who got close enough to Him to hear His eternal words. They got close enough to the Kingdom of Heaven they heard some little blips and wrote 'em down. :-)

Today, I am going to meditate on these two truths: God is near. His word is true. When I feel myself slipping into that emotional abyss - I'll remind myself He is near. His word is true. I'll turn my thoughts to the eternal - foreverness of His word. I'll cling to Him and trust Him for one more day - will you join me?

Finding Joy

I spent yesterday afternoon with my parents and siblings. We hadn't all been together in around two years. My siblings and I had a few words with each other - but it was because we love each other and needed to iron some things out. It was actually kind of fun to have a spirited discussion. I think we upset Daddy a bit because he doesn't like to see us argue - but we had to work it out. And we did. So it was good.

Life has handed all of us some pretty big blows. Now on top of all the different things we are each dealing with, Mom is going to a nursing home. She is a handful. The bruises are from the last fall she took when she passed out - but it's not as bad as it looks - she's on blood thinners. Anyway, it's time to get her more help. Tuesday she'll be moving into a very nice facility. It's an emotional time for all of us, but we do know it's best for her and for Daddy.

As I embraced my sobbing Daddy yesterday, I thought where's the joy in this? It's so difficult to see mama being taken over by dementia and then to see Daddy's grief. Mama hasn't been herself for at least 5 years now. For me, it's a grief similar to the one I have with my son. He's still here, mama is still physically here - but we grieve over the version of them we miss. This living grief can eat away at you, can't it? It's difficult because you still see the person - but the person they were no longer exists.

This morning as I was doing my devotions, I stopped on Psalm 119:143. The NLT translates it this way: As pressure and stress bear down on me, I find joy in Your commands. I began to think about that verse for a while. David understood pressure and stress whether he wrote this particular passage while he was king - or while he was still running from Saul. He understood. But he also understood that no matter how the pressure and stress mounted, he could find joy in the word of God. And we can too.

No matter what we are facing, the word of God can speak into the situation. Even if the situation itself doesn't change - we can change in the situation.What do you need today? Peace? Joy? Wisdom? Hope? D - all of the above? I promise you can find what you need in the word of God. In Psalm 42 and 43, David said Why am I so discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - my savior and my God!

Lots of things attack our minds and souls - discouragement, hopelessness, despair, sadness, depression, oppression.... need I go on? Oh - I could! There's a huge list of emotional stuff that chips away at our spirit, our heart, our soul. But we can always find joy in His word. We can always find a word in due season. There's one for D-all of the above!

It's amazing how we can be distraught, discouraged and in despair (I speak for myself here!) and one verse, a simple meditation can be the spiritual medication for the moment. Just one word from Him can lighten the load and get us through. If we will let it - His word brings healing, strength, hope, etc. Whatever we need - He's got it. No matter how deep we have to dig down to make it through one more day - He's got it - and He's got us.

Today, I'm going to shift my focus from the stress and pressure - and to His word.  I will put a sticky note up on my computer with my verses for the day - and when I feel overwhelmed - I'll read them, absorb them. My meditation will be on His word today - His faithfulness. His peace. I will chase His word down today and let it carry me, still me, speak to me and bring comfort and peace. And I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

One Word

You know I've been studying and working/walking through Psalm 119 taking a section a day. Today I landed in verse 114. It says this: You are my hiding place and my shield; I wait for Your word. I tried to finish my daily reading, but thoughts were distracting me.There are so many nuggets to take away from this one verse.

My first thoughts were of hiding in Him, of staying nestled up close to Him during the storms of life and the struggles that can come along with caregiving. I thought about sometimes how He just holds my heart in His until mine syncs to the rhythm of His. I thought about those midnight hours when Chris has been sick or uncomfortable and I didn't know what to do - and He was the calm in the storm. I knew Him as my hiding place long before caregiving, but caregiving brought it home to me. There is a place in Him I can crawl up and let it all go. There's no condemnation, no rebuke, no misunderstanding - just His gentle touch.

Then I thought about how He is a shield to those of us who believe. David said in another psalm: You O Lord, are a shield about me, the glory and the One who lifts my head. (Psalm 3:3) Hindsight is 20/20 and there are so many instances where we can look back and see how He was a shield around us, how He covered us and kept us from even knowing what was going on the outer side of that shield.

I think for me, the shield is a quick, temporary protection from some sort of attack. Life throws darts at all of us, it just seems to caregivers that the darts are bigger. lol. I started to say when life gets hectic, but for caregivers, it just is hectic day in and day out. Emotions stay raw. Hurt is always on the surface and deeply rooted in us as well. There are daily grief and sorrow. Our life-related struggles are greatly multiplied and many days all we can do is gather the strength to make it through. That's what the hiding place is for - to crawl up in Him and live. The shield, to me is for those extras - the friends who abandon, the client who didn't pay on time, the sudden fever our loved one spikes or news of the death of a loved one. We live in the hiding place - and duck behind the shield when events get sticky. He does both well!

But then, that last little phrase really got to me. I wait for Your word.That helps us know what we should be doing while ducking behind His shield or resting in Him as our hiding place. We are waiting for that word from Him. It only takes one. A simple, peace be still calmed a raging storm one time, remember? A simple, take up your bed and walk gave the crippled man a new life. When we are hiding in Him, it doesn't take that much, really. Just I am with you calms, comforts and reassures us of His ever-abiding presence. You are mine reminds us that we are indeed His child and He cares, He knows, He sees, and He hears. He'll never leave us. It just takes one word to save our hearts, relieve our fears and change our day.

Today, I am going to listen for that one word. I'll crawl up in His hiding place, the one I know so well. I will listen for His gentle voice to speak to me - to calm the raging storm in my soul. I purpose to get to know that hiding place a little better, and stop trying to do it all on my own. I will hide in Him, listen for Him and let Him comfort me today. Will you join me in listening for that one word?

Eager Desire

This weekend, the weather was beautiful so Chris and I signed up for a race. I was all set to push him but the two young men in the photo asked to push him for me. They were so eager, I nervously gave them my baby. I laugh, but in all honesty, it was difficult to allow him to be in someone else's hands for that little bit of time. It did, however, free me up to run the race.

I think what moved me about it all was that they were so eager to push my son. They wanted to and as you can see by their expressions when we passed on the course, they enjoyed it. They were not enduring it or doing it because they felt they had to. I have to say - it was a true blessing and it touched my heart in a way I've not even been able to describe with words yet.

It's far too often that caregivers and their loved ones are avoided. We can start to think we have the plague or something contagious. People tend to ignore us and avoid us. Or maybe it seems that way. Many times, it's because we are different and they don't know what to do with us. So this was refreshing - enjoyable. And honestly, a little bit weird for me. My emotions didn't know what to do with it. But I liked it.

Sometimes it's just as difficult to think how God eagerly desires to be with us. We want to project the feelings, or actions, of people on Him. It can be easy to think since we don't see people wanting to be with us - surely He doesn't want to either. But just like these two young men were eager to push Chris in order to allow him the experience of going through the course in under 20 minutes and coming in third overall - God is eager to be with us. He wants us to experience Him. He wants us to experience His power as He pushes us on this course of life.

Do you sometimes find that hard to believe? I do. Sometimes, life looks ugly and I wonder why God keeps showing up. He keeps trying to be involved. He longs to be with us, to carry us, to hold us. Will we let Him?

Today, I'm going to turn my thoughts to how God wants to be with me. There's no obligation on His part - it's just His simple, yet eager, desire. My meditations will be on how He continues to walk this journey with me and will not abandon me before we cross life's finish line. No matter what the course looks like or feels like - He's in it with me until the end. I'll spend some time today just being grateful for His presence, being thankful for His want to. And I'll relax and enjoy the ride as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Do Warriors Get Tired?

Lately, I've been studying about David. Specifically, I've been reading the story about how he took out Goliath. Then I continued that study with how his men ended up taking out the four brothers of Goliath. I have a suspicion that David would have really liked to have done that himself but it didn't work out that way.

The story of how Goliath's brothers were all taken down is in 2 Samuel 21. In verse 14, Saul and Jonathan were buried. Then in verse 15, it starts walking the reader through a series of battles. These four giants were not taken down in just one battle, like caregiving, it just went from one battle to the next, back-to-back.

But David didn't get to "play." In verse 15, it says they were all down fighting with the Philistines but David became weary. His men told him he could no longer go to battle with them because it was too risky. As I read it, I thought David was a mighty warrior. He was accustomed to the battle. He never lost!  Yet he grew tired and weary during this series of battles. Even a warrior gets tired sometimes.

This really got me to thinking. What I got from it was that it's okay to get tired. We do a tough job day in and day out. Some of us have help and some do not. But like the energizer bunny, we just keep going. There are times when we don't even know how tired we are because we can't stop long enough to think about it. There are things that simply have to get done. But I'm like, If David can get weary - it's okay if I do too!

Isaiah 40:30 says Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up. But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. I have to say there have been many times I was weary like David, but the Lord lifted me up. I've been called "Superwoman" but it seems I keep losing my cape! lol. We must press on, for most of us there just isn't any other option. But we also must not condemn ourselves when we get weary, or when we get tired. It's part of the battle. It's part of being a warrior.

David said in Psalm 119:92, If your law hadn't sustained me with joy, I would have died in my misery. (NLT) Earlier in that psalm, he stated Forever O Lord, Your word is settled in heaven. Your faithfulness continues throughout all generations. (NASB) It's so good to know that even if our strength runs out, He remains faithful. His word still carries us, sustains us. And He has no plans of stopping anytime soon. And His word continues to ring out into forever, far enough to reach our hearts in 2018. Strong enough to continue to carry us throughout our journeys.

Today, my meditations will be on His sustaining power that never wanes or grows weak. I will turn my thoughts to the power of His word to carry me through and sustain me so I do not give up. I'll think about His strength and how I can lean on it more. And I will trust Him to carry me through this day I've been given. Will you join me?

Wineskin in the Smoke

I've been going through Psalm 119 while leading an online group devotion each morning. Today's reading included verse 83 which says I am shriveled like a wineskin in the smoke, exhausted with waiting, but I cling to Your principles and obey them. (NLT 1996) Now to be perfectly honest, I have no idea what a wineskin does in the smoke. But after asking google, I have determined that they shrivel up, dry out and become useless. That was pretty much my guess anyway.

Do you ever feel dried up and useless? I do sometimes. It seems there's not a lot of social interaction and during those long, drawn-out alone times, it can start to feel like we are separated from the normalcy of life. Because of the trauma which launched me into caregiving, oftentimes I feel like I have lived two lives, now and BC (before caregiving). They look very different. If I don't keep my mind on the word and the truth that God doesn't change even when life does, I can become depressed, upset, worried, and feel like I'm dried up and useless.

Isn't it interesting that this King of Israel, this highly feared and revered warrior - felt useless? I mean come on. He took out bears and lions bare-handedly. He killed Goliath for crying out loud! He ruled as king. Yet somehow he felt useless? Like a wineskin in the smoke.

Maybe it's not about us. Maybe it's a multi-generational attack of the enemy to try to devalue us. Perhaps it's a very well used (and effective) tool of the enemy used to distract us and slowly conquer us. Because, if David felt it, I feel that way sometimes, and a few others perhaps do too - it's not us.

And that's why the last part of this verse becomes more important.But I cling to Your principles and obey them. I believe we could easily substitute "Your word" for "Your principles." No matter how we feel, good or bad, we can cling to His word. It is His word that has revived me, rejuvenated me, comforted me, refilled me, and continues to keep me moving toward His heart. It's not about how we feel, it's about the constancy of His word through what we feel.

Today, I am going to ignore how I feel. I'm going to turn my thoughts to His word and away from my situation and feelings. My meditations will be on His faithfulness and how His word still works in my heart - no matter what I feel, or what situation I find myself in. Instead of thinking about me today - I'm going to keep my thoughts in his word, and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Find it!

No one likes suffering. At all. Actually, we spend a lot of our lives trying to avoid it altogether. We avoid relationships that might be hurtful, as well as circumstances that might cause us internal pain. Then caregiving happens and it can feel like everything is painful all the time. While it is the most rewarding "job" on the planet, the suffering endures, pain and grief are real and constant for many of us. Sometimes we might ask what good could possibly come from all this. It's a fair question.

This morning as I was preparing my video devotional for a FB group, I came across verse 71 in Psalm 119. I'm taking it a chunk at a time each morning - and boy has it been a great study! Well, at least I've enjoyed it. lol.

Verse 71 says this It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes.(NASB) The New Living Translation (1996) says it this way The suffering you sent was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your principles.There's nothing like a little suffering, a little pain or bump in the road to get us to turn our attention back to God. All of a sudden, we are searching the word for answers. Or we are reading through verses looking for specifics like hope, courage, peace or a present help in time of need.

Here's the thing though, if we wait for those rough spots, those bumps in the road to get familiar with the word, we are going to be lost. When we hide the word in our hearts, then something happens we start mentally thumbing through scriptures trying to find one that fits the situation. If we've stored it in our hearts - it's there when we need it.

Do you need hope today? Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that you abound in hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. (Rom.15:13)
Do you need peace today? Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord. (1 Peter1:2)
Are you anxious today? When my anxious thoughts multiply in me, Your consolations delight my soul. (Psalm 94:19)
Are you fearful? Do not fear for I am with you, do not anxiously look about you for I am your God.I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

No matter what we face from day to day - or moment to moment, God has an answer. He may not make it all go away and come riding in on a white horse to rescue us. But He will always, always, always ride through the storm with us and providing what we need to make it through. Take time to find what you need in the word today - there's always an answer there.

Today, I'm going to meditate on how the word has carried me through the tough times. I'll think about the scriptures I learned as a child and how they bring me comfort even in the trials of life. I will take time to thank Him for walking through time with me - for not abandoning me. I'll express gratitude for the way the word brings comfort and peace and reminds me that He is indeed always with me. And I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Floating Away to Lala Land?

I found this nugget this morning, I just wanted to share with you all. Sometimes it's so easy to get wrapped up in being a caregiver we forget about simple stuff out of the word. For me, I stay in survival mode so much, there's not always room for much else. It takes everything we have, every ounce of strength to make it through the day sometimes, who can think of anything else, right?

Few can understand how full our proverbial plate really is. From daylight to dark, there is something, someone, some situation making a demand on us - on our energy. Lately, with both of us taking our rounds being sick, sleep has been lacking. That makes for long days and nights. But there is something (someone) in the midst of the storm holding it all together - and it's not me. lol.

Actually, I lose it easily. I may look like I have it all together, but on the inside, I'm a big mess. My emotions are all over the place, I have fears, anxiety, self-doubt and the whole nine yards. But just like Jesus promised, He fills me with a peace that is beyond my understanding. I do not understand how we make it sometimes, you know? There is so much making demands on our energy, mindfulness, faith, strength, etc... every.single.day. And we somehow keep going. Day after day. Night after long night.

He is faithful.

So this morning when I found this verse in the New Living Translation (1996) I had the missing piece of the picture. Psalm 119:61 says this: Evil people try to drag me into sin, but I am firmly anchored to Your law. It's not so much that there are "evil people" dragging me into sin, but circumstances are always digging at me, trying to separate me (us) from the truth of His word. Our situations can be a constant soul-pain forever chipping away at our faith - if we let it. That's where the second part of this comes in - I am firmly anchored to Your law - or I'd like to say to Your word. 

When we are anchored at the heart to His word, circumstance can't drag us under. When we hide His word in our hearts, it will come up and hold us, ground us, when we need it most. Those long nights when our loved ones are feverish and uncomfortable, the long days with no human interaction, the long evenings when it feels like there was so much more we needed to get done but didn't. When we are anchored to His word - it will sustain us. Ground us. Hold us down when our emotions are ready to float us away to lala land. (Maybe it's just me?)

Today, I will meditate on what it means to be firmly anchored to His word, and to Him. My thoughts will be about how He makes us immovable, grounds us in Himself and is faithful. I will look up the song, The Anchor Holds. And I will keep my thoughts on being anchored in His strength - rather than mine. My meditations will be on being anchored in His faithfulness and being grounded in His word. I'll be grateful for the word today as I trust Him for one more day anchored in Him. Will you join me?

Simple Act of Reflection

I'm still studying and sharing out of Psalm 119 in a Facebook group I work with. I had forgotten how much I loved this psalm.This morning, one verse, in particular,  stood out. Verse 55 says I reflect at night on who you are, O Lord, and I obey your law because of this. (NLT)

What I got out of that was reflecting, or thinking about who He is, keeps me on the straight and narrow. Because of who He is I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. When I think about His power, His greatness, His majesty, His Lordship, His Kingship... and I could go on - I can't help but worship Him and obey Him. (These two are inseparable btw.)

Where my thoughts went with this verse was to the fact (truth) that nothing here on earth changes Him one iota. Whether we face good days or bad - He's still King on the throne. His throne was not moved by my tragedy. His power was not weakened by my battle. His position on the throne did not shift in any manner because of anything I may have faced. No matter how good - or how bad life may be, it does not change Him. Nothing on earth affects who He is. He remains unchanged. And this keeps me on the straight and narrow.

Today, I'm going to meditate on this verse and reflect on who He is. My meditations will be on how He remains. He stays the same. He is still faithful. He is still all-knowing and all-powerful and life doesn't have the power to change Him or diminish Him in any way. He's still the God I trusted in my youth and as I face older ages He will remain the same. I'll be thankful for that today. Will you join me?

I Trust God

If you've read this devotion much you know I love the Psalms. Lately, I've been in Psalm 119. Sometimes, it's nice to read it slow and just digest it. This psalm is of course long, but it's broken up into little bite-size pieces. I've been taking it a chunk at a time. It's easy to tell David had a love for the word of God.

As the psalm unfolds, David continues to talk about the word and how he meditates on it, thinks about it, searches for it, and just generally loves it. Today I focused on verses 41 to 48. But my mind settled on the first two verses this morning.

May Your lovingkindnesses also come to me, O Lord,

Your salvation according to Your word;

So I will have an answer for him who reproaches me,

For I trust in Your word. (vs 41-42)

These two stood out because they stirred up some memories of my past. I recalled a time I was reproached for being ill. A woman literally sat by my bed telling me all the things I was doing wrong. She told me my sin held me in the sick bed and until I repented, I would not be well. I was so weak. I could barely speak. But I would whisper, I trust God.

During that time I held on to Psalm 57:1 and to His promise in Psalm 103 that He would renew my youth like the eagle. I clung to those two verses. I confessed them. Meditated on them and made them my focus. And just like He promised, He raised me up from the deathbed. My mom had planned my funeral - it looked like there was no hope. But He chose to take away my reproach. I had no answer but that I was trusting in God.

Recently, my son's situation, my situation, my family's situation as caregivers was a reproach to some. Later, they said it was just a misunderstanding and they tried to dismiss it as such. But some hurtful things were said to my daughter. A friend's son suffered a brain injury in a terrible accident. My daughter was told to not contact them. The implication was that we obviously didn't have the faith for Chris to be healed so don't contact them or we might make them doubt or cause them fear. Once again I felt that reproach. The emotions of that moment I do not want to relive. Yet, I will still say I trust God. 

Some reproach caregivers. They have no idea. It's been an amazing journey. Of faith. Of hope. Of love. Of self-discovery and God-discovery. But it's not a reproach. I trust He continues to give me answers to those who would bring reproach, those who look down on our situations as if there is no hope. Really. We are filled with hope - His hope carries us through each moment of each day. After nearly 10 years of disappointments, trials, struggles.. I can still say I trust God.

Today, I make that my declaration again - I trust God. No matter what today brings - I will continue to trust Him. I'll meditate on his faithfulness as I continue to trust. I trust God - today and every day. Will you join me?

4 More Rocks

As we gradually get better, the fog clears a bit. lol - Who am I kidding? The caregiver's fog is a forever thing, I think. Some days are better than others, yet even what seems to be a simple thing can be complex for caregivers. I will say the last couple of weeks have been very challenging, first with my own illness and then with Chris' Sigh. I think (hope) we are through the worst of it now and can start the recovery process.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been discouraged. I've been way down... trying to dig out of the deep, dark fog... down. I'm not sure discouraged can even describe the way I felt, especially last week. But it'll have to do for now.

One of the scriptures that came to mind as I was trying to crawl out of the foggy pit, is 1 Samuel 30:6. It says David encouraged himself in the Lord. David was in a very difficult spot. He and his warriors had just returned from battle to find Ziklag plundered and burned to the ground. Their stuff, their wives, their kids - all gone. The city was destroyed.

Verse four describes their heartbreak by saying, Then David and the people who were with him lifted their voices and wept until there was no strength in them to weep. I can honestly say I've been in that emotional spot where there literally wasn't strength to weep anymore. It's rare for me - but it happens.

So, I wondered just how David encouraged himself in the Lord. Did he think back about Goliath? Did he consider how God led him to take down that giant with a single stone? He knew it had been God's hand that delivered Goliath into his hand. In 1 Samuel 17:37, David stated that the Lord who had delivered him from bears and lions - would also deliver him from the hand of the Philistine. There was no doubt. I wonder, is this what David was thinking about as he encouraged himself in the Lord?

When David went out to face Goliath, he stopped at the spring and picked up 5 smooth stones. Did you ever wonder why? It may have been one of any number of reasons - but I heard one time that it was because Goliath had 4 brothers and maybe David thought - if I take out one - the other four are gonna show up too. Maybe he was preparing for an onslaught. He knew if God gave him one - He could give him the other four too.

Caregiving seems to be like that sometimes. It's not just one thing. It's a whole lot of things stacked one on top of the other over and over again. We have to face each day, not with just one stone to take out a single giant, but with many stones as there are many giants in the land. It wars at our souls, and digs at our emotions. Caregiving can be discouraging, disheartening and debilitating. But there is hope.

How can we encourage ourselves in the Lord even in the midst of an unchanging situation? It might take four more stones on top of four more stones and then just four more stones. That's really not an exaggeration. We have to remind ourselves that God is still in the business of felling giants. And He knows we have many of them to deal with. But, He let us take out one - so He'll equip us to take out the rest.

Ziklag was just one dark moment in David's journey. He'd had many before, He'd have more after. Today is not our end-all either. There have been good and bad moments- and there will continue to be good and bad moments. We just need to remember that God is there to help us overcome each and everyone. He always makes a way to escape.

Today I'm going to think about those other four stones in David's pouch. My thoughts will be on how he took out Goliath with one stone - and how one solid word of truth can take out any giant I face today. But then, I'm going to think about how there are still four more in reserve. My meditations will be on how there will always be enough to take out Goliath and his four brothers. I'll remind myself that God will always make a way. Just like David recovered from Ziklag God has a recovery plan for me too. I'll lean in to Him today so I can hear Him more clearly. I'll wait for Him and trust Him to deliver me from the giants of today. Will you join me?

Crazy Days of Caregiving

Forgive me for my absence. Chris and I have both been sick with whatever viruses are running rampant right now. It's no fun being sick yourself, or watching your loved one feel ill. But I know you understand how difficult it is to care for someone else when you are not feeling up to par. As caregivers, we don't even get time to be sick. What can you do, right? Our loved one still needs to be bathed, changed, fed, gotten up, etc. Who has time to lay in bed and recover? lol

Add to that this frustration. I get up. I'm tired. I'm sick. I can barely get myself out of bed. I think, the aid will be here at 9. He can help me get Chris up. Guess who doesn't show up? And guess who hasn't shown up for nearly 2 weeks now? Yup. A glimpse at the life of a caregiver. We have to laugh to keep from crying.

Well, no matter what, I am upright once again and the doctor is coming to check Chris out today. Maybe we are on the mend, finally. As I get back around and try to get back to the normal crazy days of caregiving, I'm reminded of a scripture from Psalm 119. Verse 50 says this This is my comfort in my affliction, that Your word has revived me. The old KJV says that your word has quickened me. Put life in me - made me feel something again. And that is where I am right now in life.

The word continues to quicken me, put life in my tired old body. I can be as tired as all get out, exhausted from either being sick or taking care of Chris, and the right word at the right time can rejuvenate me. One verse can just pop out at me and change my perspective about my day. May it always be that His word puts life in me like that! As long as His word quickens me - pours supernatural energy in my soul - touches my heart... I will be comforted. I'll know I'm okay. If the word no longer touches our hearts  - it's time to do some deep soul searching to find out why.

It's amazing to me how the entrance of His word brings light into the dark night of the soul. His word can just march right into the depths of my hurting heart and touch just the right spot, add a spark of life and bring comfort to my soul. It's amazing to watch it work. My part is to always position myself so that His word has room to change me. May caregiving ever become a distraction to His word. May my heart never be so burdened with the cares of caregiving that I can't be touched by His presence. May I always be tender enough toward Him that just reading His word quickens my soul.

Today, I will meditate on His word and I will purposefully position myself to hear Him. My thoughts will be on how I can keep myself in a place of humility - ready to receive from Him. I'll remind myself He is still here, He hasn't left, He hasn't moved, He isn't going to. And I'll rest in that today as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

No Response

What's on my mind this morning is not something new, I've talked about it a lot. You know as caregivers, we learn so much about caregiving, about life, about ourselves on this journey. I'm still learning about the depth of the love of God.

I've said it before, but it bears saying again that I understand just a small piece of God's unfailing love for us. I remember standing by my son's bed one day and realizing it was a deep, intense love that held me there. I understood that it was that same love that held Christ on the cross for me, for you.

Some may question it - and I don't think it will ever be understood. I'm talking about how we can love someone who cannot reciprocate openly. Maybe they cannot express it, but you know they love you. In some cases, those who have dementia or other issues like my mom become different. Often they are combative or very NOT loving. But we love anyway.

I think about the way God loves us even when we can't reciprocate. Even if we act out - He loves us. If we can't express a love for Him - or don't even know we love Him - He still loves. He loves not to get something back - but because it's true love.

May we take today and meditate on His great love for us - whether life is ugly or pretty, we are acting out, depressed, unsure of the future... or anything else that can be on the caregiver's emotional plate. He continues to love beyond our lack of response - or even through an inadequate or inappropriate response - He just loves.

Today I will make His love for us my meditation. I'll continue to think about how much He loves me even when I act ugly, or life gets ugly. I'll take some time today to be grateful for His unending unwaning love for me - for us. Will you join me?

Total Dependence

Some nights when I get Chris to bed, I crawl up next to him to snuggle and tell him "good night." Sometimes he pushes on me like I'm in his space and he wants me to go away. lol Other times, like last night, he looks me directly in the eyes as if to communicate he loves me. At least that's what my imagination says, and I'm not going to argue.

After I posted this picture in his group page on Facebook last night, I sat and looked at it for awhile. I've learned so much about love, self-denial, God's love and myself on this caregiving journey. But that's not where my mind went this time.

This time, I thought about how Chris is dependent on me. For everything. His food. His safety. His comfort. His therapy. Literally everything. He can't do anything without my help, except complain about my help. That's okay though, it means I'm doing my job.

As I thought about my son's utter dependence on me, I wondered what it might be like if I was utterly dependent on God. What if I relied on Him for my every move? What if I trusted Him for every bite of food, my clothes, my care, my safety, my soul, my health?

My son was an adult when his accident occurred and he was taking care of himself. But with the head injury, he became dependent. It's normal to refrain from being dependent on something, or someone unless we just have to - but what if we just decided to become totally dependent on Him? What would that look like?

What if we waited for Him for our breath?
What if we waited for Him for our sustenance?
What if we waited for Him for our provision?
What if we waited on Him......period?

David must have had a clue. He gave us glimpses into waiting on Him in several psalms.

Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. (Ps. 33:20)

My soul waits in silence for God only; from Him is my salvation. (Ps. 62:1)

My soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen for the morning; Indeed more than the watchmen for the morning. (Ps. 130:6)

Today, I declare my total dependence on Him. I will command my soul to wait on Him. I'll let Him fill in the gaps. My meditations will be on waiting on Him in silence. (That's the hard part.) I'll think about being less independent - and much more dependent on His word and His way in my life. I'll wait for Him for direction, for provision, for comfort. And I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me in becoming totally dependent on Him?

He Really Will

Sometimes in caregiving it's easy to lose sight of the simplest things.Maybe it's all the tasks we have to do just to get through the day that sidetracks us. Perhaps it's just the day and time we live in. There are many nights when I look up and it seems I've been busy all day, but I still have so many things to accomplish before I can call it a day. It's true I think even for non-caregivers.

As I am writing this devotion this morning I've got a full itemized list of the things I need to get done today going through my head. They are spilling out onto paper as I make my "to-do" list for today. As I write things down, I put an asterisk beside the ones that simply cannot wait until tomorrow. I'm already wondering how I'm going to get it all done. And of course, on top of that, the aid comes from 9 to noon so I can run errands (that isn't even on the list). But today the pulmonologist is coming. I guess that's a good thing, but it sucks some of that time away.

This morning as I got up and around early, I had a scripture running around in my head. I sat down with my Bible and my coffee and read Philippians 1:6. It's familiar to anyone who's been in church circles for any amount of time. It simply says He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Christ. It can be so easy to be distracted by caregiving, but He really is still working on us and in us. And He really will continue working in us until He is done.

He doesn't look at our busy lives and say not today. lol. He's not perplexed by our crazy by-the-seat-of-our-pants schedules. He doesn't worry about whether or not He will be able to finish what He started in us. And again, there is no exclusionary statement saying this verse doesn't apply to caregivers. He will finish what He started in us. His work is never unfinished or undone. He continues to breathe His life into us. We are still His workmanship. We are still the apple of His eye. We are still His child. We are still hidden safely in Him. He won't give up or walk away. He won't wring His hands in worry. He just continues to work in us, through us, and for us. Even in caregiving.

Today I am going to meditate on this scripture with a heart of gratitude. I'll turn my thoughts to His work, and away from mine. My meditations will be directed to considering His work in me and on His faithfulness. I'll work hard at getting in step with Him and walking alongside what He is doing. And I'll wait for Him to continue working in me, through me, and sometimes in spite of me. :-) I'll trust Him for one more day - will you join me?