Showing posts with label gratefulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratefulness. Show all posts

Always Behind

Just a few weeks ago, my son's case manager came by. She started asking how long each task took and how many times a day it had to be completed. As the list grew longer, I started feeling overwhelmed. I had no idea it takes about 5 hours out of the day just to prepare his food and feed him. I also didn't realize how time-consuming transfers were. I mean, we've got it down to an art and it's MUCH easier than when I first brought him home. But still, an hour or more a day just to keep him dry and move him around? Then there was laundry, talking to various health professionals throughout the week, and tons of other things we didn't even get on her list. I was tired just thinking about it.

I'm starting to wonder if part of the caregiving journey is this feeling of being always behind. No matter what all I DO get accomplished in a day, I feel like I left at least as much undone. It's a daily thing. Maybe I am the only one - but I suspect not.

Feelings of being always behind lead my mind down dark paths of additional feelings of inadequacy, failure, etc. Once my thoughts begin spiraling, somehow everything I ever failed at and every mistake I ever made start surfacing. In just a few minutes I feel like the scum of the earth - lower than worm spit we used to say! But this morning, as my heart began to sink into that abyss, I did something a little different.

As soon as I thought of some shortcoming, mistake, failure or any other negative aspect, I made my mind think of something good that came from it. Then, I thanked God for that. With just a little bit of thought, each instance revealed a positive outcome in me, my circumstances, or whatever. And you know what? I didn't spiral down into the depths of grief or sorrow. I saw each circumstance in a different light when I realized there were positive outcomes even if they seemed as simple as God's grace extended to me, or some lesson I learned through it.

So even though I am "always behind" in my mind - there must be some really good stuff happening in the midst. Today, I will purposefully find gratefulness in the midst of my stress. I will command my thoughts to look past the obvious circumstances and choose to believe He is once again reaching and pressing for that positive outcome in me. My meditations will be grateful ones of His keeping power - His everlasting loving kindness toward me. And with that, I will gratefully trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?


And Then it Happens....

I'm not even going to apologize for my absence. I hope you understand when I don't have it together, I just can't post. The last week or two have been extremely trying. It's really just the emotional part. Maybe you have those times when it seems like God is answering everyone else's prayers but not yours. Those times when it looks like everyone is getting a miracle... but you. Sometimes I look around and think it seems as if all the people I know are getting new cars, nice houses, large chunks of cash, getting to go to the mission field like I'd always dreamed. For me, my emotional crash usually comes when other brain injury victims make lots of progress and Chris does not.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for them. I'm glad they got all the things we were denied like therapy, castings, and intense, specialized care. But it can start to feel like God has forsaken. I ask questions like why my son? Why did God take his voice, his song? And I don't understand. Honestly, I don't ever want anyone else to go through these things - but I start to take it personally, and it just goes downhill from there. Emotionally that is.

And then it happens....


I'm minding my own business, wallowing in my own emotions and trying to find a way to come up for air. Or, I'm just letting go and wondering if I'll ever swim again, if anyone will come in after me. And He steps in....

Sometimes just the right phrase will get my attention, or the perfect song comes on the radio. Or like yesterday, out of nowhere, this scripture pops into my head. I was minding my own business and from nowhere it seemed, I just hear an old chorus we used to sing in church - taken from Proverbs 18:10.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower
The righteous run to it and are safe.

And that was all it took. My emotions leveled back out to the chaotic normals of caregiving. lol. I hummed and sang it all around the house. Shortly, I was thanking Him for being there in the midst of the storm instead of cursing Him for it. I was okay. For then. It was like we'd had a lover's spat and He was wooing me back to Him. I'm in constant awe at the massive effort He puts into chasing me, calming me and comforting me. 

Today, I will meditate on how He is that strong tower of refuge from the storm, from the battle. I will turn my thoughts to His faithfulness even through my foolishness. I'll purposefully find things to be grateful for today in the midst of life's storm. And I will make sure I stay in His embrace trusting Him just for today. Will you join me?

The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...