It's the "Little" Things

Solomon was right when he penned, It's the little foxes that spoil the vine. As caregivers we have lots and lots of "big" things that make our days more difficult than "normal" people's. And honestly, most days I have finally learned how to have a handle on those. It took awhile to find a new "normal" and adjust to a lifestyle that is anything BUT normal. But we are caregivers - we assess, adjust, and advance - on a daily, hourly or minute by minute bases as needed.

It's little things like this lady, who did have a handicap sticker by the way, who parked just a little bit too far in the loading area. It was just enough that I had to lift my son's chair up and over to get him on the lift.

I may or may not have said a bad word or two while I was trying to decide what to do. I thought about waiting until she came back out so I could giver her a piece of my mind. But I was afraid I might just punch her first. We were tired, ready to go home and both needed some rest so I decided to lift his chair up and over the lip on the lift so we could proceed. I got him in the van, buckled down, then I stored the lift and went around to get in just in time to hear some smarty pants on KLOVE say something about not letting things steal your joy.

Steal my joy? What joy? Did you see that inconsiderate blond lady who parked like that?  But deep down I knew the guy was probably right. I had had a wonderful evening with my family. We went to my daughter's church to hear my grandson sing in the choir, and then we came out to eat ice cream. It had been a fun, relaxing time with my daughter's family and my sister and brother-in-law and this short, blond chick had to park where it made it difficult to get Chris in the van. And just like that - the joy of the evening was snatched away.

As caregivers, we carry a lot - our day is so full of the things we get to do to care for our loved ones - but we walk around in a state of the proverbial "camel's back" and anything or everything can be that last straw. It really doesn't take much most days (maybe that's just me). The world is filled with inconsiderate people - it's our choice how they affect, or don't affect us. It's easy to say - difficult to do!

Today my meditation will be on Romans 15:13 - I pray that the God of hope fills you with all joy and peace because you believe in Him. I'll let Him restore the joy of my salvation  as I recall that absolutely none of these things have an effect on my salvation. It is secure whether there are considerate or inconsiderate people around is irrelevant. My soul, and my son's soul are safe in Him. I'll choose to rejoice in that fact today. Will you join me?

But Can I Forgive God?

Over the weekend, I was looking at the lives of Joseph and Daniel two extraordinary men in the Bible. The two have a lot in common such as interpreting dreams, great wisdom from God, and they were both in captivity. I was writing down some notes on these two when I realized something different about the two of them. They both had to come to the place where they forgave.

Daniel and Joseph were held captive against their wills. In Joseph's case, he had to forgive his brothers for betraying him first of all. Then he had to forgive Potiphar's wife for lying on him and putting him in prison for something he didn't do. He was kind of a double captive. Nonetheless, he had to come to a place to forgive.

For me, I chose to forgive the young man driving the vehicle who caused the wreck that injured my son. At first it was easier really. Then over time it became difficult and was just a choice, but not a true action of my heart. I've had times I was angry with him. He got to go on living, graduated college, playing the drums, getting married, teaching - like my son wanted to do. But unforgiveness doesn't bring my son back - nor does it make my life any easier. Day by day it's a choice to not carry bitterness or a grudge. I'll be the first to admit it ain't always easy.

But on top of forgiving the person at fault (if there was one) the caregiver has to forgive God. This may be one of our biggest hurdles. Ultimately, it's His fault we are caregiving, whether we are caring for a child, a parent or someone else. If we believe God is truly in control then at the bare minimum He let it happen. This was a very tough spot for me for a very long time.

Eventually though, I forgave God. I found that unless I forgive Him, it's very difficult to trust Him again. But you know what? If we can't quite find that spot on any given day - we can express it to Him. He is big enough to carry it. I usually tell Him exactly what I feel, how angry I am at Him, how frustrating life is, or how disappointed I am with how He orchestrated life. And so far - He hasn't fried me down to my toenails - and chances are He won't.

I believe He honors a heart that is honest with Him. He is strong enough to carry our loads; and us as well. He never kicks us to the curb, but patiently waits for us to pour out our hearts before Him. I'm sure Daniel and Joseph had their moments. They had to; they were in some very tough circumstances. Let us learn to pour our hearts out before our King in open honesty. When we trust Him with the worst - He amazingly fills us up with His grace.

Today I'm going to rejoice in the fact that I don't have to hide my true feelings from God. I can talk to Him one-on-one. I can pour out all the bad, and good, things in my heart before Him and He will refresh me as I wait on Him. My efforts today will be to be bluntly honest with God. I'll turn my thoughts to the grace He supplies when I really pour it all out before Him and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

What Makes a Conqueror?

This photo is from an obstacle race I did a couple years ago. It doesn't show it, but I had climbed up on a wall of hay bales. If you notice, I'm covered in mud because I'd just come through the deep, thick mud pit. Then I reached the very tall wall built solely out of large bales of hay. I climbed to the top and felt like I'd won even though I had a few feet left to go.

Why did I feel so victorious? Because I had come through lots of obstacles already. I knew I was nearing the end and was going to get a finisher's medal. At that point in time, I was a conqueror! I had beat all the obstacles but just needed to walk across the finish line.

What made me feel like a winner? I certainly wasn't, and never will be, the first person across the finish line. I was literally on top of the world because of what I had just come through.

This morning in my devotions, I stopped to think about a scripture I came across in Proverbs. The New Living Translation put chapter 14 verses 26 and 27 like this: Those who fear the Lord are secure; He will be a place of refuge for their children. Fear of the Lord is a life giving fountain; it offers escape from the snares of death. I thought about these two scriptures quite a while, and here's what I came up with.

Verse 26 talks about being secure because of the fear of the Lord. As a caregiver, I first question this as God didn't save me from caregiving. But then it says He is a refuge for my children. What I took away from that is when my daughter sees me relying fully on God - she learns to trust too. It can be the same with spiritual children and other onlookers as well. Our testimony isn't that we escaped the obstacles - it's that we are daily overcoming them to continue to trust in Him! Others see that and realize when they face struggles - He can be their refuge too.

Verse 27 speaks of fearing God being a life-giving fountain. I could stay on that for awhile, but the last part of the verse is what stood out to me. We are saved from the snares of death - not the snares or trials or pitfalls of life - but snares of death. Our eternity is secure no matter what we face in life. We face absolutely no fear in death - our souls are secured in Him.

Today I will meditate on how He is the keeper of my soul. I'll see my struggles today as obstacles I must go through so I can be a conqueror. I will think about how He can use them to make me and my faith stronger. And I'm going to think about how great it felt to be on top of the hay stacks - covered with mud- because I had overcome the obstacles - not gone around them. My thoughts will be on how He makes me an overcomer in everything I face. And I will be grateful for His presence in my life today. Will you join me?

The Huge Sigh!

This morning as I was trying to focus during my devotions and prayer, my head was going 900 miles per hour. That's not much of an exaggeration, either. I was running through my mental list of all I have to get done as well as the roadblocks I know of, like not getting all of my son's supplies this month and tying to figure out when and how to go make those purchases.

As caregivers, we already have so much on our plate on any given day and these seemingly "little" problems can be huge. So my mind is going over finances and our schedule to see how to fit these additional items in, plus having to figure out how to work with less time available for the afternoon.. My mind was racing through all these tasks and chores when I heard myself heave a huge sigh. I felt so overwhelmed.

Of course I'm overwhelmed, I'm a caregiver, lol! It's not imagined - there really is a lot going on and there are no easy tasks. Lately I've found I go to bed tired - and wake up tired. I was thinking about all this and all the things I need to get done today when this very familiar scripture was triggered by my thoughts. I know you know it too:

Give all your worries and cares to God,

For He cares about what happens to you.

(1Peter 5:7 NLT)

I know I know this scripture - but this simple reminder helped me catch up to myself this morning. Not one thing got taken off my list of things to do. And as a matter of fact, I headed out the back door to my little backyard and worked in my wanna-be garden for a while. In the process, I emptied myself out before the Lord and I gave Him the whole shebang. I poured out my heart and let Him fill it back up. This waiting on Him is really hard work. But I'm finding when we purposefully wait on Him - He takes up that slack and fills up our empty spots with more of Him. And with that - I will face this day.

Today while I am scurrying about to finish tasks, I will take time to breathe Him in. My thoughts and deep meditations will be on how He strengthens me and offers wisdom to those who ask. Today I'll be asking Him for wisdom and waiting for His strength - will you join me?

In the Wilderness

I was studying this morning in preparation for some online Bible courses I'm starting to write and I found myself in Jeremiah 2 and this part of the second verse jumped off the page and into my heart. God is speaking to His people and says: I remember.....your following after Me in the wilderness, through a land not sown.

Now most of us did not plan as a child to grow up and be a caregiver. It's a strange land for most of us when we find ourselves there.It's an unknown land and we didn't spend time directly cultivating the skills we would need. I mean really, who knew we would need to know how to do some of these things?

Not only did we not really plan on being a caregiver in most instances, it can be a lonely and dry place. We eventually find a new normal and learn to function and work with what we have; but loneliness and social isolation are definitely areas we find ourselves having to deal with. It can be a real-life wilderness. And that's why this verse grabbed me this morning. I found comfort in realizing that God remembers how I seek Him in the wilderness.

At the very start, one of my prayers was that He would shield me and protect me from becoming bitter on this journey. The way to protect ourselves from that is to seek Him while we walk through the furnace. We all have good days and rougher days - but being a caregiver is not for the weakling, or the fainthearted. To carry on day after day and not become bitter we must purposefully seek Him.

Just like my faith was redefined during those early caregiving years, I've learned a new way to look at seeking Him. Indirectly, we are taught in many church settings that seeking Him and petitioning Him are synonymous. They are not. If we are continually asking God to do something or to act on our behalf, or even to rescue us - that's not seeking. That's begging.

Seeking Him in my understanding is reaching out to hear His heart, feel His touch and see His face. It's not really about getting Him to change my circumstances as much as it's about allowing His presence to change me.

Today I will meditate on how much I need His nearness. My thoughts will be on desiring to know Him, to know His heart and not just what He can do. I will turn my heart toward His and seek Him no matter how dry the wilderness becomes or if I'm overcome with a flood. I will seek to know Him and His heart. Will you join me?

What's the point?

There are many aspects to caregiving and some of them are beautiful like having the opportunity to love a person beyond what they can "give back." Another touching point is being able to offer such intimate, loving care. I tell my son that I am grateful I get to take care of him - I'm glad he's mine.

But as we all know, it is a tough job and we can face frustrating circumstances every single day. They can range from dealing with medical professionals who are not listening to us, aides that do not show up or don't do their jobs, to supplies that do not come on time and even the fact that at times our loved ones don't respond in the way we wish they would. On those types of days or during those types of hours, it's easy to wonder what's the point? 

I'm not pondering the point of caregiving as much as the point of our faith. This question was answered for me this morning as I opened my Bible to the first chapter of 1 Peter where actually, he is encouraging the saints to rejoice even in the midst of various trials which are proving, or purifying, their faith. I notice the trials are not conflicting with faith. They are not tearing away at faith. They are actually helping faith mature. So as we face our daily struggles, our faith is NOT getting weaker, nor diminishing in any way - it's actually getting stronger and purer with each passing day. An analogy might be how lifting weights doesn't cause our muscles to go away - it causes them to get stronger and be able to lift more. In the same way - walking through the furnace helps our faith grow and become stronger...even if it doesn't feel like it... by the way - you are still standing - right? Then it's working.

Verse 9 was where I stayed focused this morning because it says the outcome of our faith is the salvation of our souls. When faith has its perfect, or mature work in us, it doesn't magically make all the "bad" things go away so we have heaven on earth. The final product of faith is a saved soul no matter what we walked through to get there.

Our situations, whatever they may be, are not the end all. Faith continues to work in and through those of us who believe no matter what we face, no matter what life brings our way - and no matter how we deal with it. Faith will not train us how to be an escape artist - but it will work toward our salvation and it won't let us down.

Today I will meditate on how faith is making me stronger. I may not feel it or look like it - but faith is maturing in me. I'll turn my thoughts to the fact that faith is not going to rescue me out of my situation - it's going to carry my spirit through - unharmed to the end. In this I will rejoice - that no circumstance can make my soul be unsaved....it can't touch my heart which is hidden in Him. Will you join me?

What is "Normal" Anyway?

One thing common to caregivers is the feeling of alone-ness. For me, it's somewhat different than just feeling lonely. It's more intense, more enduring and the social isolation can chip away until it feels like there's nothing left. This morning I opened my Bible to see what I could find that might fix the draining feelings of being alone, My mind went first to Hebrews 13:5 where the writer is reminding the readers that God promised to never leave or forsake us. But since I always like to read verses in their context, I backed up a few verses and my attention focused on verse 3.

Verse 3 instructs the reader to remember the prisoners, as though in prison with them;  and the verse ends up telling them the "why" behind the instruction -  you yourselves also are in the body. It struck me as rather odd that the writer of Hebrews was having to remind the body of Christ that they were to visit the prisoners. I found it odd because they were in the midst of great growth as far as the body of Christ was concerned. We might call it a revival today. And yet right in the middle of huge church growth the believers are having to be reminded to visit those in prison.

Then he worked his way down to verse 5 where he has to remind them to keep themselves free from greed and the love of money. He tells them to be content with what they have because He will never leave or forsake us. Odd things to be reminding believers of in the midst of a move of God, don't you think?

I would think prisoners could understand some of the caregiver's feelings of being alone. They are often forgotten and feel isolated I'm sure. And there's not much you can do about feeling alone, is there? Even if we can go do something normal we are so different and can feel like we stick out like a sore thumb. Our lives are just different, and there's not much we can do about it. We can't expect others to understand our situation either. And so here we sit alone. Again. And Again.

At times it an feel like no one is willing to come into our worlds; and it's not always possible for us to go into theirs. But God is not scared of our situation, caregiving and caregivers do not make Him want to stay away. We make Him want to draw close. He is near the brokenhearted. He wants to bind up the brokenhearted not throw them away or ignore them. Get this: He comes to us. And then He won't leave!

Today I will meditate on His enduring presence in my life - even when I feel like I'm a mess. In my alone-ness, I will remind myself that my life is not too scary for Him - He chooses to walk this out with me. When I feel alone today - I will turn my thoughts to this scripture and remind myself that He has already taken up residence in me - and He is not going to leave. And once again, I will rest in Him. Will you join me?

He Is Faith-Full

My devotions this morning ended up in 2 Thessalonians 3:3. This verse starts with a basic truth stated very simply: The Lord is faithful. Just that statement took my mind to 2 Timothy 2:13 that says this: If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.

I cannot say I have always been "faithful" on this caregiving journey. It has a way at chipping away at the false definitions of faith that are fostered by some of today's erroneous teachings. I can say my faith has been completely redefined.

But on the CG journey I have felt like I lost faith. I've cussed, ranted and raved about things I have not liked on this journey. I've felt like God wasn't there. Many a night I've stood in my son's room, or in the hallway in the wee hours of the morning and looked toward the heavens and cried out, where are You now? I need you here! as I tried to get my son's fever to break or was contemplating a midnight run to the ER.

But when the morning comes and the sun rises yet again - just as He put it in place all those years ago - I realize He walked through the long dark night with me. Even though I felt totally faith-less; He was faith-full. I believe it was Hudson Taylor that said when we feel like we don't have any faith - it's okay because God is still full of faith or faith-full for us.He has all the faith we need.

Today I am going to meditate on His faithfulness. I'm going to purposefully turn my mind away from my feelings of faithlessness - and focus on the truth that He is always faithful - there's no lack and there is no gap! With my thoughts and heart I will embrace His faithfulness and I will willingly let it carry me through today. Will you join me?

What's in A Name

Yesterday after I wrote the devotion, I couldn't shake Job from my mind. I kept thinking about the last few verses of the book and how quickly it smoothed his "life" over with what seems to be a he lived happily ever after.

God restored Job's health and wealth and he went on to have more children. I thought about that for awhile. Just because he had 10 more kids doesn't mean he didn't miss his first set of kids. These 10 didn't make up for the loss of his first children. He had still raised them and loved them and his memories of them were still in tact.

On my caregiving journey I have good days and bad days. I have pictures of my son BC (before crash). Some days when I see them, they tear at my heart. I remember how he was and see him as he is. Other days, I enjoy the memories we made and honestly wouldn't trade for having had the opportunity to make them. Most days I miss him too much to express with words. Even though it's different now - I still love him - he's my son. Adding another son - would not replace him or the spot he has in my heart.

It can be easy to look at the end of Job's story and think it all worked out perfectly, and on one hand it did. But the loss of his children was never erased. Our losses as caregivers don't just disappear when we have a good day. A lot is really up to our attitude and how we take on the new while carrying the old. Every day is an opportunity to be swept under by our emotions and the struggles we face; or to rise above them. Some days, I have to admit, I do well to keep just the tip of my nose out of the water to keep from drowning. Other days I adjust well.

So with Job still on my mind this morning, I got up and opened my Bible to chapter 42 one more time. Then I decided to look up the meanings of the names of his daughters. Jemima was Job's first daughter after his trial. It means beautiful as the day. His second daughter was named Kezia and it means fragrant as a perfume. And his third daughter was named Keren-happuch which means child of beauty. He could have named them anything - and these are the names he chose. I think it's significant.

The names of his daughters were all focused on beauty. Even though he must have grieved the loss of his other children, he focused on the beauty of these ladies. It seems to me that Job was looking at the beauty of the moment instead of the pain of the past. Job embraced the new and moved forward positively.

For me, the pain of the loss of the past can be haunting, but today I will try to let it go. I will think about the beauty of the moment instead. I will meditate on the works I see God doing in and around me today and not focus on the losses endured. My thoughts will be on His restoration and His protection of my soul, and I will rest in Him once again. Will you join me?

Only One Word

I've always been intrigued by the story of Job in the Bible. When I was younger I didn't really get it; but as life unfolded it made more sense. And even though I would never even try to compare my situation to the hardship Job endured, I feel like in a small way I can relate to some of Job's experience. I have been known to look at people with open mouth and a blank stare when they compare themselves to Job and all they have is something like a broken fingernail or a flat tire. Ever hear one of those stories? Their car broke down or something and they are claiming they understand Job. And I'm like, really?

I'd have to say a caregiver's life is not nearly on the scale of what Job went through but it does help bring some understanding. Sadly, I'll never be able to say I didn't "sin with my mouth" during my journey of faith, but I can say I've always come back around to trusting God. Maybe that's the important part....

Here's what I was thinking about Job this morning. I skimmed through some of the discourse between he and his friends and still find ignorance amazing. Poor Job. Here he was having lost literally everything and now his friends are grieving him more by telling him it's all his fault because he had to have sinned somehow. I will say on this caregiving journey I had feelings that God must be punishing me and that there was some way I had displeased Him or He would not have allowed it to happen. Of course, as I read through all our Bible heroes I realized we all face something.

So I don't know how long Job was bullied by his friends and kept denying he'd done something wrong, but what I noted is that when God spoke - He said not one word about it. He didn't tell them Job was cool and his friends were crazy. When He finally spoke up He asked them Where were you?  I love chapter 38 as God describes HIS account of creation and how He set the boundaries for the waters of the earth and told "their proud waves" they could only come so far! These last chapters of Job are powerful as God and Job interact with God asking the questions and Job having no answers.

Then at the very end of chapter 42 God instructs Job's friends to go offer a sacrifice and have Job pray for them. How humbling that must have been for them after all they put Job through. And verse 8 sums it all up- God says to the friends: My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer on your behalf. I will not treat you as you deserve, for you have not been right in what you said about me, as my servant Job was. (NLT)

All that talking they did and God told them they were wrong in what they said about Him, and Job was right. That's all Job got - just that little phrase. But it was one word from God! And it was enough. By looking at God's answer to Job and his friends, I have to think Job was so confident in his relationship with God that he never questioned it. He knew he was righteous no matter what life hurled at him.

Today I am going to meditate on how God's righteousness is enough to cover me during the trial. My thoughts will be on how my righteousness is in Christ and there is nothing in heaven or in earth that can remove it from me. And I'm going to confidently rest in Him today. Will you join me?

Patient and Passionate

I like organization. But I'm beginning to think caregiving and organization are distinctly opposed to one another. No matter how much I try to organize or make a schedule to try and keep up - the further behind it seems I get. Playing "catch-up" is a daily game - and I keep losing, or so it seems.

Don't get me wrong - I am SO thankful for my jobs and being able to take care of my son. It's just that it seems like I put off the thing I feel is the most important to me. God.

It's not like I don't want to spend time with Him, it's just that when I get up at 5 each morning I make my coffee (real priorities here!) and bolus and change Chris. By the time I get set down to drink my first cup, there's tons of things in the forefront of my mind needing to be done, NOW! And so it begins - the circus I call a morning. The aide comes, there's errands to run. Every time I turn around it's time to feed Chris, which means pureeing another meal; or change him or do some therapy. When I'm not doing that - there's tons of work to do. I end most days feeling like I fall way short. Needless to say - I can easily get lost in the shuffle of a normal day.

When I get all caught up in the day-to-days, it's easy to remember I'm valuable to God - to anybody really. But the verse that comes to mind - and I have to remind myself of is Exodus 34:14 which says You must worship no other gods, but only the Lord,, for He is a God who is passionate about His relationship with you. He's patient and passionate. He so longs to be involved in my life and foremost in my heart. And while He passionately pursues us - He also patiently waits for us to "get it."

That fills me with awe for Who He is and how He loves us. We can know passion; and we can be patient - but how can those two dwell together? It seems like they are opposites like my attempts to be organized and caregiving are. Yet He is so determined to have us He will do anything He needs to in order to be with us. He can be patiently waiting - or passionately pursuing. But He's always desiring to be with us. He doesn't look at us and see a caregiver - He sees His beloved.

Today I'm going to meditate on the fact that he's waiting for me to sort through my day to spend time with Him. He is patient and passionate - and He wants to be with me. I'll turn my thoughts to stopping so He can catch me. I'm going to spend my day thinking about how to patiently, passionately pursue Him today. Will you join me?

When Nothing Changes

This morning my devotions led me to Psalm 104. It's been a long time favorite of mine so I read through it slowly and tried to let some of it just sink in. I'm a huge nature buff - or at least was BC (before caregiving) so I love the description of nature and creation. My mind really gets going when I go through all the different ways He provides for animals - and for us.

One of my favorite verses is 19, the New Living says this: You made the moon to mark the seasons and the sun knows when to set. The sun never reaches high noon and then forgets which way to go! The things He set in order - are still working perfectly today.

As a caregiver, sometimes remembering these seemingly little things helps, and sometimes it doesn't. Change is a big part of the world, of nature, of caregiving. But it's not always those things that change that bothers us - it's the things that don't. For the most part our day-to-days don't change a lot; it's always chaotic. We get up and it's not really a new day - it's more like another day. These are the things I was thinking about while reading Psalms this morning.

When I got to the last three verses, I took time to really think about them. Verses 34 and 35 say this:

I will sing to the Lord as long as I live

I will praise my God to my last breath!

May He be pleased by all these thoughts about Him,

for I rejoice in the Lord. (NLT)

When my son was first injured, it's an understatement to say my world got turned upside down. But even during the 3+ weeks I spent living in the ICU waiting room - I knew God had not changed. Even though my heart was in turmoil and I was going to face a re-defining of my faith over the next few years - I knew my circumstances didn't dictate a thing to God. No trauma, problem, battle or life circumstance has any control over Him and nothing knocks Him off His throne. He remains sovereign when life doesn't make sense - and when absolutely nothing changes when we pray.

I want to be able to say I sang to the Lord from the back of the cave! I want to be able to say I praised Him until I drew my last breath - no matter what happens in between drawing the first and the last breaths. And I hope He is pleased with my thoughts. To be realistic - I am sure He is not. I've doubted, pouted, cried, cussed, ranted and raved. And He's been big enough to handle it. He didn't get His feelings hurt and walk away. He didn't throw His hands up in total exasperation. He just sits on His throne - unmoved.

Today I am going to think about how He remains calm, stable, and steady in the midst of my storm. My meditations will be on how nothing can budge Him. Whether life changes in an instant - with one phone call - or if it doesn't change at all no matter how hard we pray- He doesn't change - He is still on the throne. That's what I'll be thinking about today - I hope it pleases Him. And I hope you'll join me.

He Never Gives Up

As a caregiver, emotions can be all over the place. I find that one second I'm feeling okay about everything, I have a positive outlook and I am ready to take on the world. The next second for no apparent reason, I'm upset, mad at the world and ready to call it quits. On everything. One second I'm in love with God and so thankful that He continues to strengthen me to do what I need to do; the next second I'm angry with Him for letting this happen. This can all be in a matter of a few minutes, or seconds depending on the day.

But you know what? None of that scares God off. As to this date, He has never thrown up His hands, said I can't deal with this anymore and walked away. People have told me that "not everyone can handle a large dose of you." Seriously - I was told that, by my mentor. Add things like that to living a life so totally different from the rest of the world and it's easy to have an identity crisis.

One thing that caregivers have to deal with and face is the fact that not everyone can make the journey with us. And for me, my heart hurts for my son too. Why? Because friends can only be friends if nothing changes. On one hand - it's totally understandable - he can no longer "contribute" to the relationship, right? He can't laugh, play, tell jokes, make his deeply philosophical statements anymore. So there's nothing.

For the caregiver, our lives are different than everyone else's too. Maybe we can or can't freely do things the rest of the world does - and many walk away. Or my favorite - they watch our lives from a distance, totally disconnected.

On both counts there can be such a sense of abandonment and alone-ness that swallows us up whole. It's not an easy journey to make alone, or with someone else.

I say all this to share a scripture that came to mind this morning during my devotions. I actually was looking at Joshua 1:8 about being of good courage. I read it in my NASB, then looked it up in the Message. And here is what I found a few verses back:

I won't give up on you;

I won't leave you. (v.6)

Strength! Courage! 

Don't be timid; don't get discouraged.

God, your God is with you every step of the way. (v. 9)

While this whole passage spoke deeply to me this morning - that one phrase I won't give up on you is what really got my attention. No matter who observes from a distance, because they don't know what to do if they get closer; no matter who walks away from us or our situation - for whatever reason - God will not give up on us!  He is in it for the long haul; and that is exactly what I needed to hear this morning.

Today I'm going to meditate on His determination to be with me on this journey. I'll think about how He does not get too frustrated at me, never throws up His hands and never quits because I'm too much for Him to handle. My thoughts will be on how He is pleased with me, loves me and carries me even when I am being stubborn and resistant to His grace. He patiently waits for me to settle back down and come back to Him for peace. Today - I will be re-positioning myself in His lap; and settling in His embrace. Will you join me?

Where Did the Sun Go?

In my devotions yesterday I talked about purposefully looking for a way that nature displays His glory. Well, I didn't actually get out of the house as is common for me. Between caregiving and job responsibilities who has time to get out? But I did discover something about God through nature.

I was watching some videos for my classes to be come a health coach and the speaker said something about the sun. He said something to the effect of "the sun doesn't stop shining if the flower doesn't respond by opening up." That's all my high-speed mind needed to run away. I took that thought and meditated on it for some time yesterday.

The sun doesn't get upset if plants don't respond by growing, blooming or bearing fruit. Day after day the sun "comes up" and does its job; but it can't make the plants respond. I have shared openly about my anger with God when my son became injured. I didn't (and still don't) understand how God could allow someone so full of passion, drive and music to suffer a brain injury. I went through my times of not talking to God and ignoring Him. But His mercy did not stop just because I did not respond.

Every morning the sun "comes up" and every evening it "sets." It continues to do its job no matter how the elements of the earth respond. Psalm 104:19 says the sun knows when to set. It never rises to the full day and then forgets which way to go, or what to do. What a picture of God the sun gives us each day.

He is constantly pouring forth His mercy whether we recognize and accept it or not. He doesn't waver or shut off His mercy, love, and care if we refuse or fail to respond. Like the flower that has to reach up to the sun to receive its nutrients, we have to reach up to our Father to receive life. But He is constantly pouring it out for us - on us. The flower doesn't have a choice - it automatically responds to the sunshine; and automatically opens up to receive all the sun has to offer. Unlike the flower, God gave us a will and the power to choose. I have to say that for a long time, I chose to ignore God. I was angry because my life was snatched away with one single phone call. My dreams were gone, my hope was gone - and I honestly didn't have the desire or energy to pursue them, or Him for a long time.

But what I have found is if we will relax and open up like that flower responds to the sun, He is still pouring out His love, mercy and grace. He didn't stop just because I stopped receiving. As a caregiver, I need Him more than ever before. The really cool thing about God is that He is always right there. Wherever we left Him - whatever that frustration point was (or is) that made us throw up our hands and walk away - He's still there. Like the sun - He is consistent in His intentions for us. We have to choose to be intentional with Him.

Today I am going to think about how God has not changed one iota with my circumstances. My meditations will be how He has remained reigning on the throne through my darkest seasons. I'll turn my thoughts to how His mercy never runs out - and the light is always on  even when I can't see it because of the night. My choice today is to respond to Him - even if I can't hear Him. Like the plant cannot hear the sun but opens up in response - so will I open my heart to respond to Him today. Will you join me?

What Was I Thinking?

If you know me at all whether in real life or through writing or Facebook, you know I'm an over-thinker. My mind races at 90+ miles per hour and I'm not even sure it slows down when my body sleeps. As a caregiver, this can be beneficial in that I will pursue something until I find an answer - or something that will work. Others have found it real annoying - but there's no "off" switch; or I haven't found one yet.

So this morning as soon as my feet hit the floor my mind takes off with all the things I have to accomplish today. I let my son rest some over the weekend and today is back to our regular schedule of therapy and work. Thus, the 100 mile an hour race going on in my head when my alarm went off at 5 this morning. Lately, it's been racing so much when my alarm goes off I'm off to the races and there isn't as much "snoozing" as there used to be... leads to a more productive day ultimately; but also an extra afternoon nap when possible.

So with my mind racing this morning it was hard for God to get any insight, thoughts or direction squeezed in between. Until I slowed down a bit, and focused on His word for just a moment. That sounds easy - but for caregivers, there honestly is not always time to take for slowing down to pause or think. Some days are just plain crazy with caregiving duties - and other days - they are just crazier!

But as I made myself slow down this morning and purposefully opened the Word, He faithfully spoke to my heart. I found my eyes resting on Psalm 19. I learned the first few verses as a child and how all of  creation continues to sing His praise. There is no where that the voice of nature is not heard singing of God's glory. As an adult I learned to cherish verses 7-11 which patiently describe the impact of His Word on our daily lives. And the final verse of this chapter, verse 14 we used to sing back in the old school days when the new thing to do in church was sing "choruses" instead of full blown songs. We sang scriptures over, and over and over again. I can appreciate it now because they really got lodged in my heart and give me something to hold on to through all these crazy days.

Verse 14 says this: Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. I thought about how my mind had been racing all morning since 5 AM, and wondered if my crazy thoughts and weekly goal setting were all things that were pleasing, or acceptable to Him. Were my conversations this weekend pleasing to Him? Can He even keep up with all these thoughts playing in my head? Or does He have a mental capacity DVR so He can pause it now and then and run it back if He missed something? lol

I know our days as caregivers can be extremely busy; and so can our thoughts. But today I will purposefully slow myself down and meditate on Him. I don't know how yet, but I'm going to find a way to discover something new about nature. I want to see a display of  nature demonstrating His glory.

Today I will guard my heart and mind in Him. I will purposefully monitor my thoughts and kick out anything that does not match what He says about me or my situation. I'll be watching for the demonstration of His glory in His creation today. And I will keep my mind and thoughts moving toward Him. Will you join me?

The Invitation

I woke up tired this morning, but that's nothing new for caregivers, right? And honestly, right now caregiving isn't the hard part for me, I've become accustomed to this normal. The difficult part for me right now is trying to figure out how to manage my work schedule along with my caregiving duties. Of course, there are always complications - because we are caregivers. No two days are exactly the same and you never know what is going to pop up unexpectedly.

Unless you are a caregiver, you won't get some of the frustrations that go along with the blessing of being able to care for your loved one. My greatest one of late is the repeated rescheduling of my son's case manager. Evidently she has no idea how much it takes to rearrange our schedule 3 times a week to accommodate her.(But she will have a clue after her visit on Friday- if she makes that one.)

Just my mornings go something like this:

• Alarm goes off at 5:30 - hit the snooze to about 6
• Get up (run to the bathroom - weigh in for the day)
• Make coffee
• Get Chris' bolus and meds ready
• Start coffee
• Go change Chris (welcome to the real world) and get him comfortable - bolus him
• Back to the kitchen to rinse out the syringe and bolus cup
• Grab first cup of coffee
• Head for the recliner with coffee, baby monitor and Bible in hand

Honestly, the little baby monitor is one of my greatest investments! But this is the first half hour or so of my day. Then I start devotions, or that's the goal anyway. 

This morning my frustrations were still high as not getting to go to the store yesterday as planned means I have to change up this mornings schedule as well - all because the CM decided not to come yesterday and come Friday instead. But as I sat in my recliner and sipped my coffee, my Bible fell open to Revelation 22 and my eyes went straight to verses 10 and I read to verse 17 where I landed. It says this:

The Spirit and the bride say, "Come."

And let the one who hears say, "Come."

And let the one who is thirsty, come;

Let the one who wishes take the water of life without cost.

I thought about that a bit...I'm thirsty for Him. I need the refreshing water of life. And I can get it for free just by wanting and taking it....

My "google" mind brought up another similar scripture found in Isaiah 55:2 and it goes like this:

Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters,

And you who have no money -

come, buy and eat.

Come by wine and milk without money and without cost.

Wow- His refreshing waters are there for us to partake of - at any time - at no cost. Now I'm on my second cup of coffee- and I'm smiling. My mind went to another familiar scripture in one of my favorite go-to psalms: 46. It says: there is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy dwelling places of the Most High. "Dwelling places?" That would be us. His stream is running to us and through us already.

Let me see if I can pull all this together in my mind. There's this stream of living water and we are invited to drink anytime we want....the refreshing is free, we just have to come and get it. It may sound like it's far away - but it's actually running in our midst....the refreshing is there any time we need it, anytime we can just take a slow, deep breath and breathe Him in. He's here with us.

Today I will let His presence transform my frustration into refreshing. I will purposefully welcome the stream of God's presence to flow through my heart. My meditations will be on how He is just asking us to "come" to Him and be refreshed. I'll think about the rest of Psalm 46 - and how He is present and He is inviting me to come drink of Him. I will accept His invitation - will you join me?

You're Doing a Good Job

One of my goals for this year was to read more for enjoyment, and not only for work purposes. I finished my first book of the year over the weekend and am trying to squeeze in another one before this weekend before I go back to my scheduled reading list. I also read lots of other stuff like LinkedIn Pulse on my phone. Today it had a story by a lady and she was talking about writing web content. It caught my interest since that's been a lot of what I've done over the last few years.

She focused on a statement that really got my attention. It simply said: You're doing a good job! It wasn't even directed at me, but it made me feel good anyway. Sometimes as caregivers it's nice to hear that we are doing a good job. It's no easy task taking care of another whole person or having to make decisions on their behalf.

Maybe one reason we don't hear it more is some people really don't understand what we do all day long. I've heard  "it's nice you get to stay home all day." Haven't you? I'm like - I'll trade you one day... just for a day. (smile) And some of it is that we can't talk about some of the most difficult things we do. Our daily tasks may be very different depending on our loved one's needs. For my mom, I've had to start dealing with her as a child in many ways, but she doesn't need to be fed or bathed. But for my son, I have to feed him every single bite, transfer him, bathe him and change his briefs. But we don't talk about those things and when on those rare occasions someone comes to our house, or we go out - most people can't process those nitty gritty chores we get to do for those we love and care for. So how would they even know we need to hear You're doing a good job!?

Then I started thinking about if God ever told anyone they were doing a good job or not. The first scripture that came to mind was when John the Baptist was baptizing Jesus and the Spirit of God descended on Him and said, This is my beloved Son, in Him I am well pleased. And then I went blank. I did a little searching and found the story of the ten talents. The ones who acted responsibly with their talents were told they did a good job.

I branched out to look at some different translations and found this one in the Message:

[Make the most of what God gives] After looking at the 

way things are on this earth, here's what I've decided is the

best way to live: Take care of yourself, have a good time,

and make the most of whatever job you have for as long as God gives you life.

And that's about it. That's the human lot.

Yes, we should make the most out of what God gives,

both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it,

accepting what's given and delighting in the work.

It's God's gift! God deals out joy in the present, the now.

Ecclesiastes 5:18-20

I thought about that for awhile. I like the "take care of yourself and have a good time" part. But I had some trouble with the finding joy in what I'm doing part. I'd like to ask the writer, do you know what I do? Some aspects of caregiving are anything but joyous; things we can't talk about like changing catheter bags, changing adult-poop filled pants, for example. But I can choose to take joy in my "job" if you want to call it that. 

It's my pleasure to help and take care of my son - and quite honestly - no one can do it better! And no one can do your caregiving "job" better than you either. So smile today and listen as the Father tells you, "You're doing a good job!" Oh - and believe Him.

Today I am going to rejoice in the fact that God is pleased that I chose to be a caregiver. I'm going to envision Him looking down on me and smiling as He sees me being his hands and heart to my son. I'm going to receive this "You're doing a great job!" as if it was directly from Him this morning. And then? I'm just going to smile.....because I look like Him. Will you join me?

He Always Showed Up

I often refer to caregivers as furnace walkers because our lives are lived out in the furnace. This morning during my devotions, some thoughts left over from yesterday evening started rolling around in my head.

I first thought of the three Hebrew children as they were thrown into the fiery furnace. Then I thought about Daniel and the entire night he spent in the lion's den. In times past these stories were really frustrating to me as they all were delivered out of their trials while most caregivers faithfully face their furnace day after day. But today my mind took a different route.

For these two stories what stood out to me in my morning devotions was the fact that God showed up. Technically, He didn't deliver them out of the trial, but He walked through it with them. The king in both of these stories had delivered these men of God to their fate - and the king in both stories removed the men from their trials. But God showed up.

God was present in the fire with the three Hebrew children, but He was not visible once the king's men got them out. The Angel of the Lord came and shut the lion's mouths while Daniel spent the night in their den, but the king came and got him out the next morning when he with feeble faith said, O Daniel, was your God who you serve able to deliver you? Indeed He was! But God didn't open the mouth of the sealed den and let Daniel out, He spent the night there with him.

There are so many stories where God showed up to walk through trials with people of faith. I think of Hagar, who was leaving the mistreatment of Sarah. God showed up and prophesied about her son, Ishmael, but then told her to go back to Sarah and server her. He didn't whisk her away on a white horse.

What about Jeremiah? Some of believer's favorite words were penned by this prophet. I know the plans I have for you....But Jeremiah did not escape the captivity of his day. Instead, God walked through it with him. And all throughout scriptures in stories of great trials and tribulations we see God showing up. His presence hovered over the Children of Israel while they made their way, the long way, through the wilderness - but they still endured the wilderness.

He was with Joseph when he was sold by his brothers into a lifetime of slavery; and also with him when he was in prison for something he didn't do. Even though Joseph did some great things through God's direction - he never just went home. 

This morning I am encouraged by these stories of faith in the furnace. God doesn't always make the fire just go away - but He always shows up and walks through it with us giving us the strength and the courage to face each new day.

Today my thoughts will be on the ever abiding presence of God. I'm going to meditate on the fact that He's not afraid to walk through my furnace(s) with me. When it gets hotter - He gets nearer. Instead of always looking for that way out - I'm going to look for signs of His presence in the fire today. I'll listen for Him and look for Him. And when I sense Him, I'll lean in close to see what He has to say. Will you join me?

Speak Fast Lord, I've Got a Lot to Do!

Caregivers no doubt have a lot on their plate, I mean after all, we are taking care of another whole person's needs on varying levels. Some caregivers are taking care of even more than one. I don't know about you, but my morning can get outta hand hectic way too fast. My morning sets the order for my day - which is why I try to do my devotions first thing. If I don't, I may never get the chance again.

This morning I got up with all the things I had to get done today on my mind. I have work to do to keep the lights on, my son's case manager is coming by this afternoon, a new module opens in my class I'm enrolled in (and I haven't finished last week's module), and just all the normal caregiving stuff like bathing, pureeing, feeding, and the different therapies. I'm tired just thinking about it all!

I got up, got my coffee (I never miss that part), sat in my recliner, opened my Bible and thought You gotta speak fast Lord, I only have 'til 7. And then I stopped. Did I really say that to God? Those were my thoughts to the One who puts more into my life than any person on this planet? I don't say that to the cardiologist - I want him to take his time to listen to me and explain everything fully. I don't say that to my son's health care providers; I want them to be thorough and thoughtful. I don't say that to the teachers of my health coaching classes - I don't want to miss anything. I don't say that to my boss on my job or any of my clients.  I tried to cram the thoughtless prayer back into my head but it had already crept out.

I started to feel badly about it for a minute, but then I felt His gentle nudge. My mind went immediately to Isaiah 30:18 that goes something like this: The Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long (or wait) for Him.

My next thought was a scripture out of Jeremiah 29:13 - you will seek me and find me when you seek me with your whole heart.

That's really want I want. My desire is to seek him and to have a heart that is constantly reaching out to Him, not just looking to be rescued from the fiery furnace, but knowing He is walking through it with me, holding me; and carrying me when necessary.

Today I purpose to slow myself down and focus on listening to Him. Even though my list of things to get done today is long, much like yours I'm sure, I will turn my heart and my ears to listen for His gentle nudges today. I won't crowd Him out with all my busy-ness. I'll make room for Him to speak to me today; and I will listen. Will you join me?

He Knows When We Stop By

There's not really any easy days for caregivers, I don't think; but some days are more difficult than others. It was difficult for me to adjust to the new normals when I first stepped into the role and it eventually became second nature, but boy did it take awhile. And that still doesn't mean it's easy.

One thing that keeps me going every day is knowing I have a place to hide if I need it. If I start feeling overwhelmed (more so than usual), or like I can't handle it any more, or just get tired - there's a place I can go.

Nahum 1:7 offers me great comfort in saying: The Lord is good, He is a stronghold in the day of  trouble; and He knows those who take refuge in Him. There are three very distinct and encouraging points in this verse and for me each truth holds a deep meaning and gives me strength.

God is Good. I love this phrase even though I feel like it's misused a lot. Usually, we hear it when a person gets what they want. They get a new car: God is good. After a promotion or raise at work: God is good. They were sick and feel better: God is good. What's interesting to me is I don't hear it, or say it myself, when something doesn't go my way. We never hear, my car broke down, God is good. Or something like I got an unfavorable report from the doctor, God is good. It seems to be used only when something went our way. But I propose that God is always good - His goodness does not change with the winds of our situations. I actually wrote a whole blog post about it on my other blog From the Furnace. The fact that He is good - even when life is not - helps me stay grounded because He doesn't change with my situation - He's still good - and He's still God.

He is a Stronghold in the day of Trouble.  Another favorite of mine is Psalm 46:1 which says God is our refuge and strength a very present help in time of need. He is a safe place to run to when life throws us a curve ball. His door is always open to us and He anxiously awaits our arrival so He can pour His peace into our hearts. He is my hiding place - my refuge when it all gets too big for me to carry. I love the fact that I can go running to Him anytime of any day - and you know what? I always found Him waiting for me. Now that's comfort.

He knows those who take refuge in Him. Not only does He wait for our arrival - He knows us. He knew we were coming, which is comforting. But He went past that and knows us. He knows what makes us tick, what sets us over the edge, what gives us peace. Psalm 139 is a great passage that talks about how He knows us inside and out; and He's still not scared to hang out with us! :-)
 Actually He greatly anticipates our arrival and welcomes us with open arms. He knows those of us who take refuge in Him.

Today I will meditate on how He knows me - and still likes me! My thoughtss will be on how He is good all the time, I can run to Him all the time, and He knows me all the time. Knowing any one of these is comforting - but getting a grasp of all three of them is strengthening. I will focus my thoughts on His goodness which surrounds and protects my heart as I seek Him for refuge.Will you join me?

From a Distance

One of the coolest things about living in this day and age is that we are all much more connected through the internet. We can check up on any of our friends around the world; or make new friends in distant places. As a caregiver, I've found it has made a huge difference and for awhile social media provided my only "social" outlet. There were some days having some connections via online resources meant the difference in my sanity.

But there are some downfalls to having connections only through the internet. My computer has never laughed with me, had coffee with me, or hugged me; and we can still be lacking physical interaction.

There have been a few friends who stepped across that invisible barrier and we talk on the phone, have coffee now and then or even share conversation via skype. But I've found for the vast majority my connections can stay distant. Caregivers don't have the picture perfect lives and sometimes people really don't know how to make a difference, or they don't know what to do. So they keep their distance.

This morning I was reading through a few chapters in Genesis and reread a large portion of Joseph's story. I had to back up though because Judah kept popping up. He was the one who talked the other brothers into sparing Joseph's life and selling him into slavery instead. He also stepped up to protect Benjamin. Did you ever wonder how Joseph must have felt when he saw Judah take up for Benjamin? Judah was talked about a lot in these few chapters but he always seemed to be at a distance and never fully involved until it came down to life or death.

A few years (or decades) back, there was a popular song  by Bette Midler,  it was called "From a Distance" and a key phrase, and probably the only lyric I remember is God is watching - from a distance. That's what it seemed like Judah was doing - always involved but always staying away.

As a caregiver I've discovered there are some people who really care - but they prefer to not be up-close-and-personal. It's "safer" for them to stay somewhat disconnected from us; and the internet accommodates that real well. But God isn't that way. He is not just watching from a distance and trying to stay as connected as possible without investing Himself  into the situation. He is not uncomfortable being around us. As a matter of fact, He wants to be with us; our lives are not too ugly for Him! Rather than watching from a distance, He is fully invested in walking it through with us.

Today I'm going to rejoice in the fact that God does not keep His distance. My thoughts will be on how He chooses to walk this tough road with us - rather than apart from us. I'll meditate on how He is fully vested in my life and is dedicated to helping me be whole - body, soul and spirit - even in a difficult situation. My goal for today is to open my eyes and look around to find Him. He's not watching from a distance, He is right here-right now and I will not hold Him at a distance. I will welcome Him into this crazy caregiver lifestyle with open arms. I will let Him be a willing participant today. Will you join me?

Be Quiet AND Wait?

A favorite scripture of mine is Isaiah 40:31. I learned it at an early age and we used to sing it in church when I was a teenager. It says this: They that wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. 

On one hand it makes you wonder if we get weary if we are truly waiting on Him. On the other hand, anyone who wonders that about us is free to spend a day doing what we do.

On the other hand, we have to question what waiting on God might really mean. When my son first had the accident, I waited in the ICU waiting room for God to ride in on His white horse and rescue us from this tragedy. He did not. But I waited.

But then of course this scripture doesn't say those who wait on the Lord will see Him come riding through on His white horse to rescue them from life, does it? Actually, it says when we wait we will find new strength. Maybe Psalm 62 can shed a little light on waiting.

In this psalm, David makes his declaration in the first verse when he says: My soul waits in silence for God only; from Him is my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken.  That's a powerful declaration. I think it's interesting that David is not only waiting on God, but makes it a point to say he's waiting in silence. 

But guess what caught my eye? Verse 5. He repeats the first few verses but it's a bit different. In the first verse he is declaring that he is waiting on God. By verse 5 he speaks to his soul - to himself and says directly: my soul, wait in silence for God only.

So what are we waiting on? Sometimes I feel like waiting is not silent nor done in patience. I feel more like a kid sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see what God's going to come up with next. Makes me think of a phrase we use a lot - I can't wait - for this or that. But it is important that we wait silently - and patiently.

Isaiah 30:15 states Only in returning to Me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength. It seems we should wait for Him - and do so in a quiet confidence. We are confident that our redeemer lives. We are confident that He is guarding our souls. We are confident that He hasn't abandoned us - nor will He. We are confident that He is our refuge in any time of trouble....add your own points in here as He is our all in all. ( I am confident that God.....)

Today I will go forward in a quiet confidence knowing that He is with me and He will strengthen me for whatever I might face today. I will rest in the truth that He is in this for the long haul, and His mercies are constantly being renewed. I will purposefully quiet my soul and wait for His strength to be renewed in me. And I will trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

The In-Betweens

This morning during my quiet time I was thinking about some of my favorite Bible characters and the obstacles they overcame. Of course, it's the fact that they overcame that makes them heroes of our faith. I was trying to think if I could find some distant way to identify with any one of them. But I'm not sure anyone was a caregiver or could relate to our world today in that way. David took care of Jonathan's son Mephibosheth who was crippled, but other than that I pretty much came up empty.

But as my mind was strolling through some of the great OT stories, it landed on Moses; and that's where I settled. We know at God's word he charged in and faced an obstinate king only to find out that God's chosen people were just as obstinate. Moses really had his hands full trying to provide for a nation of people. There was a lot happening between Exodus chapter 3 and chapter 19.

In chapter 3, Moses is standing on the mount and God tells him that he'd return to that spot to worship Him. And just as God promised, in chapter 19 - Moses has returned with the nation of Israel with him. how amazing is that? But -- it's the in between that Moses had to endure that I want to focus on.

Before Moses gets back to that worship site, he faced Pharaoh and went through the 10 plagues. THEN once they got out of Egypt, they ran smack dab into the Red Sea. For me - I'd have fallen apart right there and thought I must have missed God. But not Moses - he asked God what to do (that's a novel idea) and then they went across on dry land and Pharaoh's army was drowned. That's when the celebration started and in chapter 15 we get a glimpse of their song of victory as their enemies were washed away.

But it's  not over yet.

Just a short trek from the Red Sea - they run out of water! The water they found was bitter - I can relate to that as sometimes everything (even good things) can have a bitter taste. God provides fresh water and then what? The natives are restless and start fussing about their food source. No problem though, right? God rains down manna on them every day for them to eat. But that's not good enough for these grumpy people - they want meat. And Moses gets an ear full again! No problem - God drives quail by the dozens into the camp so they can satisfy their longing for meat.

Everything is nice and comfy in the wilderness now and they enjoy a beautiful Sabbath celebration. Until.....they ran out of water again in chapter 17. Moses prayed once again and God provided.Then in chapter 18 we see how Moses is burdened by trying to keep peace in the camp. He was working daylight to dark quite literally trying to solve problems. I'm pretty sure this was not a peaceful trip for this fearless leader.

But finally in chapter 19 Moses gets to stand on the mountain once again and rejoice in God's promises. It seems it wasn't the promises that Moses had to worry about - but the in-between that gave him fits.

As caregivers just one day can feel like this kind of emotional roller coaster ride - and sometimes it's hour by hour. We are up and in have it all together mode and some little something sends us down the deep dark tunnel of depression. It's okay - we'll be back up in a few minutes only to plummet down again... it can be a vicious cycle. The mountain tops are great - but there can be a lot in between.

It's those struggles in between where our faith is tested, refined and defined. In those times the glory of the mountain top can fade. We just have to remember that it will return. Sometimes it's as easy as finding a quiet place and choosing to worship - other times life chips away at every bit of sanity we have left. During those times - we learn to wait on Him. And that's actually powerful stuff. It's the waiting during the in-betweens that builds our strength, tests our courage (and patience I might add). Faith is fertilized in the field of waiting....and materializes on the mountain top as we commune with Him in worship.

We cannot do away with either - the mountain or the wilderness. They both play a role in defining our relationship with God and strengthening it too.

Today, I want to think about how both the mountain and the wilderness can yield way to worship. I'll meditate on how God does not change during the in-betweens. He remains faithful and constant no matter if we are looking to Him to provide our basic daily needs or worshiping Him on the mountain tops of life. And while I wait for Him - I'll praise and thank Him for always being with me - in all the in-between spots of life. And I'll rest in that thought. Will you join me?

All I Need is One Forever

The caregiver's life is not considered to be normal by most people's standards, because is anything but normal. We do find our new norms and through experimentation find out what works, and does not work for our particular situation; and each one of our situations is totally unique.

While we are all so different in the things we deal with each day, we still share many commonalities. A caregiver's life no matter what can tend to be: hectic, frustrating, endless, tiring, and overall crazy most of the time! (maybe that's just me!)

Our days are definitely not normal. It might be normal for us to keep a bag packed and ready to go in case there's  midnight (or anytime) run to the ER. All our doctor's numbers are on speed dial - and yes there are more than one. We plan our grocery shopping around aides, if we have a good one. We learn how to order everything online - and I mean everything. We also learn to do a lot of medically related tasks that we would have never dreamed of like tube feeding, giving enemas (yes, I said it), administering medicines or even shots, breathing treatments, checking O2 levels and counting respirations. These may be a part of our days- and many people never even think about these types of things, let alone have to do them. And of course, I left a lot out.

So what keeps us together in our own hectic normal? Well, just like each of our normals are different, and we all deal with situations differently because we are still unique individuals, it can vary. What makes it all tick for each of us can also vary from day to day, or even moment to moment. You may find a scripture comforting and peace-giving one day; and only find it frustrating the next. (Maybe that's just me....)

Today what I found comforting is in the last few verses of Psalm 73. Verses 23-26 go like this:

Nevertheless I am continually with You;

You have taken hold of my right hand.

With Your counsel You will guide me,

And afterward receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but You?

And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

But God is the strength of my heart 

and my portion forever.

Several things seemed to grab me and soothe me at the same time during my devotions this morning. First, the psalmist says, "I am continually with You." I found that odd, because we usually say that 

He is with us - not that we are with Him. There is comfort in realizing that He is with us - but if I position myself with Him it's gotta be a choice. To know that I'm with God - and He's walking the journey with me and holding my hand...brings peace to my heart.

But I also really heard verses 25 and 26 - Verse 25 to me states that we have that hope of spending eternity with Him - but we also have the desire to be with Him now, on earth. And here on this earth my heart and my flesh may fail....we can get tired; and be tired of being tired and then get tired of that too! But God.....

He is the strength of my heart - He pours His strength into me when I am not sure I can take on one more thing. And it seems one more things just keep coming sometimes. (maybe that's just me too..) He is the strength of my heart - His presence in and with me gives me the courage to keep on going...one step in front of another no matter what responsibilities we face on behalf of our loved ones. And not only is He going pour His strength into our hearts to lift us up - He is my portion forever. I like that He is all I need forever. 

He provides everything we need to survive today; and He'll do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next,......and the next...... forever. He won't get tired and leave us stranded. He's our portion - our lot - our inheritance - our strength - forever!

Today I am going to meditate on His strength rather than my lack of strength. I will allow Him to fill me up with all He is. I'm going to turn my thoughts to his forever-ness. He is with me forever. He is my strength forever. He is my God forever. He is my peace forever. There's not a lot of forevers....there's only one. But one forever - is all I need.

Where God Dwells

The last few days I've been camped out in Psalm 69, and I found myself a few nuggets I've been chewing on. It seems David was in quite a state of distress again. If you think we as caregivers go back and forth on our emotions - take a look at the Psalms David wrote. His thoughts and emotions were all over the place and often in a single psalm he can go from high praise to the pit. That pretty much sums up any of my days. One minute I'm singing and playing the guitar and the next I feel like I'm emotional stuck in a mud pit. (I know it's just me......)

I think for me it has come down to verse 6 of this psalm. It says: May those who wait for You not be ashamed through me, O Lord God of hosts; May those who seek You not be dishonored through me, O God of Israel. That's been my prayer not just for my life since I've become a caregiver - but BC (before caregiving) too. I've wanted my life to bring God glory - and still do.

Every caregiver has their own situation, but for me it was a sudden thing when my son, Chris, was in an accident. I have shared how I felt faith had failed me and because of my associations with the faith-ers movement I felt like if I had had faith this tragedy would not have happened. I also felt like my trust in God had failed. After all, I had trusted Him to take care of my kids and He let me down. The feelings associated with a perceived failed faith - are devastating.

Over time, I've learned that faith did not fail me - it sustained me. I am not needy, I am not weak,  I am not lacking in faith, I am no less the Christian because it seems my life stopped to deal with this situation - I'm actually right where God dwells. And I like that.

On down in verse 35 of this same psalm David says this: God will save Zion and build the cities of Judah. First of all, I don't need saving so I wasn't sure how to apply this to my life.

Psalm 9:11 says Sing praise to the Lord - Who dwells in Zion. And Judah has always symbolized praise. Let me see if I can get my thoughts right here. God lives in Zion - a symbol of the NT church and we are His dwelling place as believers. So God lives in us. He lives with us - we are Zion.

The second part of this verse says God will build the cities of Judah. My interpretation (loose though it may be) is - He will establish praise where He lives. And He lives - in us. Right here, right now wherever we are - He is establishing praise in us. This means that as we are crushed in the crucible of life the sweet fragrance of His presence which dwells in us - will bring Him praise. Those who see us struggle with life's issues will be encouraged. Our lives don't bring Him shame - we bring Him honor.

Today I will meditate on trusting Him. I'm going to turn my thoughts to how He dwells with me - and in me. I will think about how everything I do for my son brings Him praise. I'll purposefully look for how He establishes praise in my life as a caregiver. I won't fight the song - I'll let it arise today. Will you join me?