Showing posts with label ever present God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ever present God. Show all posts

The Great CoverUp

 

Chris and myself standing together

Each day brings a whole range of emotions for a caregiver. I don't want to brag but I can go from the epitome of cheer to the pits of despair in a matter of just a couple of seconds! I can be having a great day and happy to be alive and see a photo of one of Chris' friends on Facebook - and sadness overwhelms me as I wonder where he'd be and what he'd be doing if the wreck hadn't happened. Sometimes, good things cause sadness. Another example is when he makes progress. It's so exciting! But it's sad too that I am rejoicing that he took one step when it should be other things like getting married or pursuing his career in music. It's easy to paint over those emotions, isn't it?

Lately, I've discovered that I really enjoy painting. I've tried watercolor and like it. But I've done more with acrylics. There is something therapeutic about mixing colors and creating. I like some of my final products and I like some less. lol. But I never worry about making a mistake because I can just paint over it and start again. As I was thinking about a painting idea this morning that I really want to try, I thought I can't really mess it up  - I can paint over it.

In reality, I can paint over it. But the texture of what was will remain. It's just covered up. 

Sometimes, our emotions can be like the covered-over "mess-ups." We paint on a pretty smile to greet our loved ones, but underneath we know our hearts are still broken. Maybe we paint on a joyful attitude while we know our insides are still crying out. It's all still there - we just covered it up.

Here's the thing. God knows. And the best part is that He understands. He can look past our covered-up emotions and tears and see our true hearts. He sees and understands all the emotions mixed up together to make one new color of our lives. And He still extends His peace, love, and grace. He can see past whatever we used to cover over our emotions and feelings - He still knows what is underneath. And that's the part of us He wants to touch.

Today, I will think about how deeply He sees into my heart. I'm glad He does. I don't have to cover up anything - He knows it all and He still loves me and still wants to be with me. I'll be thankful today that He doesn't toss us to the side or say we "have too much baggage" for Him. Instead, He pulls up a seat beside us and just sits. I'll thank Him today for just being; for just being right here for whatever I face or feel. I'm just going to sit with Him today - because He's here. Will you join me?

four of my acrylic paintings

Voice Behind the Tears

 

chris at therapy

I consider myself quite the wordsmith. Besides blogs, devotionals, poetry, and journaling, I write for a living as a freelance writer. But sometimes, even I run out of words. There are just those times when my heart hurts and circumstances overwhelm me. Occasionally, those pent-up emotions leak out in the form of tears, but not often. However, there is a calm assurance in knowing that He hears the voice behind the tears.

That's one of the things that amazes me about God. He really does understand our emotions. He even understands when we don't have words to express our deepest feelings. David said in Psalm 139:3 You are intimately acquainted with all my ways. (Amp) There are just those days that seem to swallow me whole. You know? My emotions get away from me. Fears of the future run through my thoughts. Mistakes from the past try to snatch peace. It's easy for us to get down with the mechanics of caregiving. 

When I get to that point - my words don't even make sense to me! (lol) He still gets me. He still understands. 

When tears form - He hears all the pain, frustration, confusion, and anything else that formed them. 

Somehow, knowing He gets all the things I don't have words for - comforts me and brings peace. From that place of unsolicited peace - arises thanksgiving. How does that even happen? I don't know - but I like it.

I become thankful for things that cannot change. Because as caregivers we know how things can change in an instant! But there are some things that are not dictated by circumstances. They remain. His love. His mercy. His presence. His peace. His patience. (I'm particularly fond of this one! lol)

Today, I will focus on these attributes of God that don't change for anything. They don't fluctuate based on whether I'm having a good day or a bad one. His love, peace, truth, mercy, presence, and all that He is remains. I'll spend today meditating on this truth and thanking Him for just being here. Will you join me?

He Didn't Wait

 

Mama and Aunt Polly

I keep hanging out in Mark 6. Last week we took a brief look at it, but this morning as I was reading it one more time something else occurred to me. That's what I love about His word - it's alive! It continues to unfold and reveal new things as we continue to read it and let it shape our hearts. So, in the sixth chapter of Mark, the disciples headed across the sea instead of waiting on Jesus. 

While they were rowing across, a big storm came up. It says the winds were blowing against them. Now, I've not rowed a lot but I know if you are in a boat trying to go against a headwind, you are not going to make much progress. You are sort of stuck in place. Here's what stuck out to me this morning during my devotions. Jesus came walking out to them - He didn't wait for the storm to stop first.

As caregivers, God doesn't wait until life's picture looks pretty again. He doesn't wait until the winds stop blowing our boats around. He doesn't wait until we get our emotions all gathered up neatly. He walks right into the storm, pulls up a chair, and lets us know He is there with us through the storm. Just like Jesus didn't wait for the disciples to get it all together and make progress toward the other side - He walks right up to us when we feel like we are rowing and rowing and not getting anywhere at all. And He says, It's me- don't be afraid. 

He sees us when we are bowed beneath the load. He sees the times we cry ourselves to sleep. He feels our pain when we let go of a good ugly snot-slinging cry. And it doesn't scare Him away. He walks right in the middle of it all and says - I'm here.

Today, I will remind myself that even in the ugliest moments of life, He is still here with me. I'll think about how precious it is that He doesn't wait until things look calm and cool, and I've collected myself. He wants to be there with us. He chooses to be there with us. And that means a lot to me! So today I will thank Him for not being afraid to walk out to me in the midst of the ugly! And with thanksgiving, I'll face another day. Will you join me?

Calm in the Chaos

journalling
Sometimes it feels like the world has gone stark-raving crazy. Just what we caregivers need. (smile) No matter what news source you listen to (I suggest turning them ALL off) it's sheer craziness all around. Isn't our plate already full enough? Earlier this year we had a Pandemic and the need to take extra precautions for our loved ones piled on our already overflowing plates... now the craziest election America has ever seen. It's too much. I'm on overload.

But wait....

I figured out that I do not have to embrace the chaos running rampant in the world right this minute. Instead, I can choose to embrace the calm assurance of knowing He is still walking through it all - with me. I thought I had learned that as a caregiver, right? But I was slowly letting the craziness out there get to me.

As a caregiver, I realized that God did not change one iota when my son was in an accident. It took some time for me to come to the realization that His kingdom didn't shake when my world fell apart. And it's no different now. I am repeatedly comforted by the scriptures that remind me that He is with me in the storm. 

This morning I was looking at a couple of different scriptures. I was looking for a different story when I found myself in John 6. The New Living Translation tells us in verses 16 to 21 that the disciples were waiting for Jesus. When He didn't come when they thought He should, they headed out across the lake. When they were a few miles out, a storm came up. But Jesus came to them walking on the water. They were terrified, then Jesus said, I am here! don't be afraid. Then they were on the other side.

Now I think the thing that stood out most was that they got weary of waiting for Him. They could have remained safely on the shore waiting - but ended up in a storm waiting. Let's be patient in our waiting for Him. Secondly, He told them I am here. I love that! He is with us in the midst of the storm and just because we got a little ahead of the game didn't mean He stays on the shore and lets us suffer. He is still with us.

For me, the truth that He is still right here gives me calm in the chaos. It was the calm that walked through the fire with the three Hebrew children. The same calm in the den of lions with Daniel. And the same calm that sat with Joseph all those years in prison. We can benefit from that calm today - because He is still here. He didn't say that 2020 was too much for Him!

Today, I will embrace the calm of His presence rather than the chaos of my surroundings. I'll lean in closer to Him so I can hear His heart beating over all the noise. I will rest in Him - and I will continue to wait for Him. Will you join me?

Hand Tattoos

Do you ever feel like God put you here on this planet to sort everything out and then He just walked away? Caregiver's lives are not in sync with the rest of the world and we can feel separated and alone even in a crowd. Caregiving adds a new dynamic to life, doesn't it? It's one that can't really be described.

It's draining and rewarding. Tiring and energizing. Emotions run along all extremes much of the time and many battle with depression, grief and other issues. I have to say that recently I have asked God if He remembered where He left me. Now my heart knows He didn't really leave me. I mean, really - where would He go? He's everywhere - He can't physically leave us. But for those who struggle with abandonment issues, it can certainly feel like it.

Evidently, someone else has had similar feelings because in verse 14 of Isaiah 49, it says Jerusalem says, "the Lord has deserted us, the Lord has forgotten us."  But at the thought of abandonment, the Lord issues an immediate response in verse 15: Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for a child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you. See, I have written your name on my hand.......

Far too frequently today we see mothers and fathers who "forget" their children. They walk away. They neglect. But God won't forget us. He even tattooed our name on His hand. Why would He write our name on His hand? So that He can always see it - as He is reaching toward us to wipe the tears from our eyes. Or as He is extending His hand of grace to measure out what we need to make another day.

No matter how deserted we feel, how alone we feel, how overwhelmed we may be at the moment - He's in that moment before we get there.

Today, I will think about how sufficient His grace is to carry me through the day. My thoughts will be on His ever-abiding presence and His overwhelming patience toward me and my crazy thoughts and emotions. Even if I feel alone today- I won't buy it. I'll trust He is with me as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

God's Choices

I'm from Oklahoma and we have a lot of storms and during storm season we have more than our share of tornadoes. Fortunately, I've only seen a few and that is usually from a distance. They are powerful and quite noisy.

One of the oddest feelings in the world is to know there is a tornado out there, but feel the more than just proverbial calm before the storm. It can be so still, absolutely nothing moving or making any noise. No wind. No rain. Absolute calm - but you know that any second the wind is going to whip up and you're going to either run for cover - or run for the camera so you don't miss anything! (I usually do that latter.)

There really aren't a lot of words I can use to describe that kind of eerie stillness. It's kind of like a quiet explosion as your hair stands on end waiting for the excitement that's about to occur. I think it's that quiet kind of anticipation God was looking for when He told the psalmist, Be still and know I am God.

Our whole being can be still and absorbed into recognizing Him as God, while we anticipate His next great move. Of course, it's not an eerie stillness like before a tornado; but it is the same anticipatory excitement to know He is about to move!

I have meditated on Psalm 46:10 a lot. Some times I'm simply waiting on God and other times I'm needing to silence my soul and return to Him like a shivering child. But when I take the time to quiet myself and acknowledge that He is still my God, He never disappoints. It's amazing to me that the God who created and governs the universe can sense my quietness and meet me there. Of all the noise in the world and beyond - it's the quiet soul that gets His attention. That thought overwhelms me.

A few years ago I wrote my own pslam, or song. It goes like this:

How could such a great God dwell among us?
This Mighty One of Israel.
God of power and of all might, 
Yet in our hearts He wants to dwell.

I can't comprehend His vast presence
As heaven and earth He does fill
Yet His choice of habitation
Is in a heart that is still.

So be still my heart and know He is God.
Be still my heart and know He is God.

I just can't get over the fact that of all the places God could choose to dwell - He wants to live in and among us. That alone brings a quiet, worship to my soul. It's not about how big I can be (in my own eyes or the eyes of others) but how small I can be in my own eyes. As I quiet myself before our Creator, and think about how He wants to be with me (with us), I'm overwhelmed by His grace and love. That'll carry me through today!

So today, I will keep my thoughts on how He chose me for habitation. I'll meditate on how He wants to walk this journey with me. He didn't leave me alone to try and navigate the world of caregiving. He chooses to walk it with me - in me. I'll think about His ever-abiding presence today and I will rest and find comfort in His greatness. Will you join me?

Are We Looking?

One of the things we face as caregivers is this deep sense of being alone. For me, sometimes it's not as bad; but I can even feel vastly alone even in a crowd. Our lives are just different and it causes gaps that can't always be made up just by being with others.

The feeling can often come and go, but there are times where it feels like it just swallows me whole. Last night was one of those times. I really am not sure I have the words to adequately express what it feels like because it's a lot more than just feeling lonely. I feel totally alone in this world, on my own, and unlike everyone else. Even among caregivers our situations are so unique we can still feel alone. This was still on my mind when I woke up this morning and opened my Bible for morning devotions.

I wasn't looking for anything in particular and my Bible opened at John 14 so I started reading this passage that has been a long time favorite. Firstly, I love Thomas, even though the church has given him a bad rap over the years. Jesus says I am going to prepare a place for you...I will come and get you so you will always be with me where I am. Then He says You know where I am going and how to get there. Thomas is so honest - he says, No, we don't know, Lord. We don't have any idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?

Don't you love his honest expressions? How many times have we asked where are You, Lord? And how many times have we felt like we didn't have a clue where He was, where He was going or what He was doing? This can seriously be a daily thing for the caregiver!

Since I wasn't looking for any answers, and not expecting to find them anyway I continued reading until I stopped after reading verses 15 to 21. Jesus is explaining how He will be sending Holy Spirit to live in us. The Spirit is with the disciples, Jesus explains; but He will be in them. He assures them they will not be abandoned. My thought is I've felt that way. There have been times when I've felt like I was abandoned by life and God.

But Jesus assures the disciples that He is with them - and His Spirit will continue to live in them and they will not be alone. The catch? They will have to look for Him. He's there... He's everywhere. The world will not recognize Him or receive Him. Why? They are not looking for Him. (v.17)

This made me stop and think for a few minutes. Do I recognize Him in my life? More than that, can others recognize His work in my life? Do I acknowledge His ever abiding presence; or just go about my day hoping He is following along? According to scriptures He is always with us; always in us. And even though it might not make that aloneness go totally away - it does bring some comfort to know He is walking this out with me, with us.

Today I will purposefully look for Him as I go about my busy day of caregiving. I'll watch for His touch as the day goes by. My thoughts will be on how He interacts with me throughout the day and how I can recognize that, rather than ignore the truth that He is here. I'll be looking for Him today - will you join me?

The Huge Sigh!

This morning as I was trying to focus during my devotions and prayer, my head was going 900 miles per hour. That's not much of an exaggeration, either. I was running through my mental list of all I have to get done as well as the roadblocks I know of, like not getting all of my son's supplies this month and tying to figure out when and how to go make those purchases.

As caregivers, we already have so much on our plate on any given day and these seemingly "little" problems can be huge. So my mind is going over finances and our schedule to see how to fit these additional items in, plus having to figure out how to work with less time available for the afternoon.. My mind was racing through all these tasks and chores when I heard myself heave a huge sigh. I felt so overwhelmed.

Of course I'm overwhelmed, I'm a caregiver, lol! It's not imagined - there really is a lot going on and there are no easy tasks. Lately I've found I go to bed tired - and wake up tired. I was thinking about all this and all the things I need to get done today when this very familiar scripture was triggered by my thoughts. I know you know it too:

Give all your worries and cares to God,
For He cares about what happens to you.
(1Peter 5:7 NLT)

I know I know this scripture - but this simple reminder helped me catch up to myself this morning. Not one thing got taken off my list of things to do. And as a matter of fact, I headed out the back door to my little backyard and worked in my wanna-be garden for a while. In the process, I emptied myself out before the Lord and I gave Him the whole shebang. I poured out my heart and let Him fill it back up. This waiting on Him is really hard work. But I'm finding when we purposefully wait on Him - He takes up that slack and fills up our empty spots with more of Him. And with that - I will face this day.

Today while I am scurrying about to finish tasks, I will take time to breathe Him in. My thoughts and deep meditations will be on how He strengthens me and offers wisdom to those who ask. Today I'll be asking Him for wisdom and waiting for His strength - will you join me?

Patient and Passionate

I like organization. But I'm beginning to think caregiving and organization are distinctly opposed to one another. No matter how much I try to organize or make a schedule to try and keep up - the further behind it seems I get. Playing "catch-up" is a daily game - and I keep losing, or so it seems.

Don't get me wrong - I am SO thankful for my jobs and being able to take care of my son. It's just that it seems like I put off the thing I feel is the most important to me. God.

It's not like I don't want to spend time with Him, it's just that when I get up at 5 each morning I make my coffee (real priorities here!) and bolus and change Chris. By the time I get set down to drink my first cup, there's tons of things in the forefront of my mind needing to be done, NOW! And so it begins - the circus I call a morning. The aide comes, there's errands to run. Every time I turn around it's time to feed Chris, which means pureeing another meal; or change him or do some therapy. When I'm not doing that - there's tons of work to do. I end most days feeling like I fall way short. Needless to say - I can easily get lost in the shuffle of a normal day.

When I get all caught up in the day-to-days, it's easy to remember I'm valuable to God - to anybody really. But the verse that comes to mind - and I have to remind myself of is Exodus 34:14 which says You must worship no other gods, but only the Lord,, for He is a God who is passionate about His relationship with you. He's patient and passionate. He so longs to be involved in my life and foremost in my heart. And while He passionately pursues us - He also patiently waits for us to "get it."

That fills me with awe for Who He is and how He loves us. We can know passion; and we can be patient - but how can those two dwell together? It seems like they are opposites like my attempts to be organized and caregiving are. Yet He is so determined to have us He will do anything He needs to in order to be with us. He can be patiently waiting - or passionately pursuing. But He's always desiring to be with us. He doesn't look at us and see a caregiver - He sees His beloved.

Today I'm going to meditate on the fact that he's waiting for me to sort through my day to spend time with Him. He is patient and passionate - and He wants to be with me. I'll turn my thoughts to stopping so He can catch me. I'm going to spend my day thinking about how to patiently, passionately pursue Him today. Will you join me?

When the journey gets Long

The hospital is a familiar place for many caregivers. We lived there for over 4 months after my son's accident. And then there are times when it seems like we make so many trips they should offer us rewards like frequent flyer miles or something. (smile) Feeding tubes fall out, O2 levels drop below 90, falls or any number of things specific to an individual's care can send you running right back up there. Initially we had tons of friends coming to sit with us. But when the journey got longer they seemed to start disappearing quickly.

After the hospital stay we were in two nursing homes and a couple of rehab facilities before we were able to settle in at home. Even though our lives were still changing and evolving everyone seemed to make the assumption that we were home, so everything was okay. They thought things were returning to normal. But in reality we were just trying to find a new normal. And of course, caregiving is a whole different world.

Friends seemed to disappear even though a few are still in contact. Becoming a caregiver can be difficult on friends. It's like they think it changes you. And in some ways it definitely does over time just like life itself. But just because you became a caregiver doesn't mean the core of you changed. You still have the same sense of humor (necessary for caregiving!), like your coffee the same way and still enjoy doing some of the same things - if there is time.

Having friends who walk away can feel like betrayal. And that's what we find in Micah 7. The prophet is describing a very rough time and a time of betrayal by even family members, which happens a lot too. In many cases it's just that people no longer know what to do with us. Our journey as we step into a caregiving role becomes longer and more difficult than they can handle. And in many cases they don't know what to say, how to help or how to make it better so they do and say nothing. It feels like betrayal.

We make a lot of jokes about Job's friends in his Biblical account. And even though they got pretty rough with him later on - early in his journey they were prime examples of true friends. When they heard he was ill and was going through a horrible time - they came and sat. They had no words; but they sat with him in silent mourning for 7 days. What a picture of true heart-felt compassion for a friend. There wasn't anything they could do to make it better but they were present for his journey.

I have friends who are present on this journey of caregiving. But I've also had some for whom the journey got too long, too difficult and they walked away. During those times when the feelings of betrayal seem to saturate our souls, we can say what Micah did in chapter 7 verse 7: But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. 

When our friends can't hear us - God can. When our friends are not present for our journey - God is. When we face days all alone - God is with us and can hear us. He hears our weeping in the night hours when friends and family are not around. He hears and He can endure the journey.

Today I will meditate on the truth that God has not bailed ship. He is still walking on this caregiving journey with me. It hasn't gotten too long or too difficult for Him. I will rejoice in the truth that He ain't going nowhere! He will remain on this journey with me. I will turn my thoughts to His ever abiding, patient presence in my life today. Will you join me?


Still Here

This week I decided to return to Job. It may sound odd to those most familiar with his story, but I was actually looking for some comfort. While his friends did not offer him much comfort or hope, my thinking was that by reading some of the things Job said I could gain a better perspective and find peace in dealing with the situation. So far, I haven't got past chapter 1. I hope we can take this journey through the book of Job together.

The first thing that caught my attention was that Job was blameless, a man of integrity, and he stayed away from evil. (You do know that Job wrote the book, right? *smile*) The second thing that caught my attention was further down when Satan confronted God about Job. He said that God protected Job, his family and all of his possessions from harm. He suggested that if Job lost everything, he would curse God to His face.

This is where I stopped for some inner reflections. As a caregiver, nothing is easy. Everything in our worlds have likely changed; and for me it has literally been everything. I have to look at myself and measure my own integrity - or lack of integrity. I certainly cannot honestly say that I have always said real pleasant things to God during this trial of faith; and I cannot say I have always had faith. But I can say that I have not cursed God or walked away from Him because of the tragedy, losses, or pain.

Losing everything is interesting because only then can you find out what you are truly holding on to. Only in the deepest trials of life do we find where our hope lies. Life doesn't lie. Instead, it reveals where our trust is, where our hope is and how we choose to make it through the dark night of the soul. We are still around. We are still seeking God; and He is still our provider and the keeper of our souls. Will I ever measure up to the patience or integrity of Job, not likely! lol. But I can say that even with a life of loss He is still my God!

Think about perspective today. Are we cursing Him for the storm? Or are we thankful He has chosen to walk through it with us? Let's be thankful today that He is still an ever-present God!

The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...