Showing posts with label constancy of God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label constancy of God. Show all posts

Behind the Wheelchair

There were a lot of things that changed about my life when I became a caregiver. I used to run on "go" all the time, loved to be in a crowd, and enjoyed hiking, a lot.

The social isolation has been one of the most difficult aspects of caregiving for me. But I didn't really change that much as "me" - I just had to change a lot of what I did. I was still the same person who loved the same things I did before caregiving became my lot in life. I just had to stop many of the things I was doing because something more important needed to be taken care of, my son.

Even though I've always been a very (and I mean very) social and personable person, it's more difficult to develop relationships now for me. I know one reason is that we can't do some of the things others do to build relationships. You know, there's no meeting up for a movie, a cup of coffee or a walk in the park. Even if we do schedule it we have to be willing to drop our plans at the last minute because our loved one is not up to it, they (or we) become sick or any number of crazy things that can happen.

And sometimes it's because people don't see anything past our caregiving. They forget we are a real person behind the wheelchair. Maybe they don't think about getting past the caregiving to the person we are inside, maybe they don't know how. And maybe we don't know how to get out of the box either.

Even though caregiving has brought about many character and lifestyle changes in me, I'm still me. I still like music, I love a good game, I'm all up into sports and I still like my coffee, a good funny movie and my guitar. Sometimes I feel very alone because people don't look past the wheelchair at this person....a caregiver is still a person. It can be a very lonely place.

I'm so thankful that God is intimately acquainted  with me. He knows me inside and out - and he's not afraid of the wheelchair. Psalm 139 gives us a glimpse of how closely He lives to us. He knows my thoughts (cuss words included) and He's not scared away. He feels me and still presses in to be intimately acquainted with me. I love this verse in Exodus 34:14 it says:

You must worship no other gods,
but only the Lord,
For He is a God who is 
passionate about His relationship with you. (NLT)

So even though it feels like those around us don't "push past" who we are and the role we play as caregivers, God is not too scared to be passionate about a relationship. He still wants to know us inside and out. He didn't put any disclaimers on this or any other verse that says, unless you are a caregiver. He still loves us, cares for us, and wants to be in a close relationship with us.

Today I am going to purposefully rejoice that He wants to be with me, even when I can't understand why. I will turn my thoughts to the truth that He passionately pursues me... me.. the caregiver. And I will bask in the fact that He isn't looking for a way out of an "uncomfortable" situation. He doesn't feel awkward talking to me or being with me. I will turn my heart to Him to welcome Him into my world today. Will you join me?

When the journey gets Long

The hospital is a familiar place for many caregivers. We lived there for over 4 months after my son's accident. And then there are times when it seems like we make so many trips they should offer us rewards like frequent flyer miles or something. (smile) Feeding tubes fall out, O2 levels drop below 90, falls or any number of things specific to an individual's care can send you running right back up there. Initially we had tons of friends coming to sit with us. But when the journey got longer they seemed to start disappearing quickly.

After the hospital stay we were in two nursing homes and a couple of rehab facilities before we were able to settle in at home. Even though our lives were still changing and evolving everyone seemed to make the assumption that we were home, so everything was okay. They thought things were returning to normal. But in reality we were just trying to find a new normal. And of course, caregiving is a whole different world.

Friends seemed to disappear even though a few are still in contact. Becoming a caregiver can be difficult on friends. It's like they think it changes you. And in some ways it definitely does over time just like life itself. But just because you became a caregiver doesn't mean the core of you changed. You still have the same sense of humor (necessary for caregiving!), like your coffee the same way and still enjoy doing some of the same things - if there is time.

Having friends who walk away can feel like betrayal. And that's what we find in Micah 7. The prophet is describing a very rough time and a time of betrayal by even family members, which happens a lot too. In many cases it's just that people no longer know what to do with us. Our journey as we step into a caregiving role becomes longer and more difficult than they can handle. And in many cases they don't know what to say, how to help or how to make it better so they do and say nothing. It feels like betrayal.

We make a lot of jokes about Job's friends in his Biblical account. And even though they got pretty rough with him later on - early in his journey they were prime examples of true friends. When they heard he was ill and was going through a horrible time - they came and sat. They had no words; but they sat with him in silent mourning for 7 days. What a picture of true heart-felt compassion for a friend. There wasn't anything they could do to make it better but they were present for his journey.

I have friends who are present on this journey of caregiving. But I've also had some for whom the journey got too long, too difficult and they walked away. During those times when the feelings of betrayal seem to saturate our souls, we can say what Micah did in chapter 7 verse 7: But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. 

When our friends can't hear us - God can. When our friends are not present for our journey - God is. When we face days all alone - God is with us and can hear us. He hears our weeping in the night hours when friends and family are not around. He hears and He can endure the journey.

Today I will meditate on the truth that God has not bailed ship. He is still walking on this caregiving journey with me. It hasn't gotten too long or too difficult for Him. I will rejoice in the truth that He ain't going nowhere! He will remain on this journey with me. I will turn my thoughts to His ever abiding, patient presence in my life today. Will you join me?


Ever Changing But Always the Same

I enjoy reading the last few chapters of Job where God takes over the conversation. In chapters 38 to 41, God takes the time to describe creation from His point of view. There are many questions that God asks of Job during this passage and we all know He isn't looking for "information." He already knows the answer - He is measuring Job's response.

In Job 38:12, God asks Job if he's ever commanded the morning to appear and caused the dawn to arise in the east. Then in verse 19, God asks, where does the light come from and where does the darkness go?  Put this with Psalm 104:19 where it says the sun knows where to set; and you have a full day orchestrated by God.

The sun never "rises" and forgets which way to go. It is so designed and set in place by God. He started it in Genesis and nothing has been able to interrupt the process. Except for that one time on Joshua's behalf where God caused the sun to stand still. Day and night continue the way God set it up to work. No matter what our daytime hours bring - it doesn't stop for any reason good or bad. I actually have learned to hate the statement life goes on. I've heard that a lot and once my life changed to where I was living out tragedy day by day I found it offensive. I wanted to say, No, your life went on. Mine stopped.

But the truth is that even though in the midst of tragedy life seems to stop - it really does just keep moving. God didn't stop His eternal clock because I ran into a road block or a tough time. Time just continues to unfold a second at a time, a day at a time. The sun continues to rise and set.

I actually find it comforting that the sun isn't thrown off course just because I have a rough day; and it doesn't speed up or slow down based on my emotions. What God put in place stands, period. The fact that His system still works brings me comfort and peace. It means to me that everything He's promised is still in tact. His word still applies to the caregiver. His promises are still true - no matter what life brings.

If we want a picture of His renewed grace just watch a sunrise or a sunset, each one totally unique from the others. What a picture of constancy and creativity; ever changing but always the same. That's how God moves in our lives. He under-girds us with His patience and strength and yet explodes with mercy and grace to make another day.

Today I am going to watch the sun as it moves across the sky; and I'll meditate on God's constancy. I will turn my thoughts to His unbreakable love, mercy and grace. I will rejoice that my day does not orchestrate His - He orchestrates mine. Will you join me?

The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...