Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts

Office Hours?

Good Monday morning world! It's been a crazy place around here of late. I don't really know why I say that as caregiving makes for all days to be crazy! You know, just about the time you think you're holding your own, got the new norms all figured out and have settled in for the duration - everything changes.

How does that happen?

Why does that happen?

For the first time since my son's accident I somehow got signed up for home health. We only get so many days a year since there's no actual insurance involved and I usually save them for "just in case" situations. I've only had two instances where I felt their services were necessary. Well, when the doc was here last Monday - she decided we should let home health come change his feeding tube out. Evidently she signed us up. It's already taking quite the adjustment.

It may seem minor to those who are not caregivers - but even the things that seem the smallest and the simplest can turn everything topsy turvy. You know? (I know you know!) So last week they ended up coming for something every.single.day. I appreciate they got the tube replaced but sheesh. It might have been easier to take him in! lol

I'm not really used to having someone on call 24/7. Usually doctors are only available for calls inside certain hours so this is kind of weird. But I think I might like having more people involved in the decision making process if he does get ill. We shall see.

All this newness got me to thinking about how "on call" God is. Even when I don't feel like it, He is there when my heart cries out. I know some of you understand those midnight hours - two, three in the morning when you are spent physically, mentally, emotionally - and your loved one is sick. Those are the times I've gotten downright honest with God. I tell Him how I REALLY feel - lost, depressed, confused, angry, alone. And even in the midst of my outbursts - I know He is there.

I'm so glad He doesn't sleep. He doesn't take weekends off. He doesn't need a break. He's ALWAYS on call! And just because I don't feel like He answers - it doesn't mean He doesn't listen or care.

Today I'm going to be thankful that He walks in this furnace with me. He didn't leave me to navigate the fires alone. My meditations will be on His ever-abiding presence. I'm going to rejoice that He doesn't have office hours or answering services. I'm going to run to Him today with all my strength. I'm going to talk to Him like I know He's really listening - because He is. And I'm going to trust Him with one more day. Will you join me?

Process Process Process!

Do you ever feel cheated out of life? For me caregiving interrupted some really good plans that I had laid out. I was heading to Africa as fast as I could get there- one of my life-long dreams. But when my son had his wreck that and my future were jerked right out from under me. I have to admit that I've dealt with some anger over that. Caregiving makes it hard to dream.

I'm aging along with the rest of you, and these are supposed to be the years I've looked forward to. It's time for me to start planning retirement. Of course, I wanted to relax, travel, spend the golden years fulfilling all the dreams I still had. Instead I'm trying to figure out how to put back and prepare for taking care of my son once I am gone. No retirement in sight - ever.

Anger is just one of the things Paul instructed Christians to put off in Colossians 3. Actually, he gave a whole list of things to put away from us.In verse 8 he lists things like anger,rage, malicious behavior, slander and unholy language. These are all to be gotten rid of - and this takes action on our part. They are not evidently just going to fall off as we travel along the roads of life. Actually, it can be a constant struggle to beat their influence in our lives. Caregiving can be frustrating. Not really so much the taking care of our loved one - but dealing with all the other particulars and organizations that are supposed to be in place to provide help for us.

While we are taking off all these ungodly actions we are supposed to be putting on other things. In verse 12 Paul tells us to put on or to clothe ourselves (once again an action on our part) with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Evidently Paul never had to deal with DHS or a home health agency. lol

In reality, it can be difficult to get rid of anger and embrace humility and grace. Actually, because of our lives this can be a constant struggle for us. And it simply doesn't happen over night. It takes effort and time to develop. Actually in verse 10, Paul says that our new self is being renewed as we learn about Him and become like Him. This verb is not past tense as if it's all a done deal. Instead it is present continuous. This means it is not only happening right now - it is continuing to happen in the future. It's not a one time deal. There's no "easy button" to push either. We'll have to walk it out right in the face of adversity.

We choose to allow His work in our hearts. We allow His peace to displace the anger or turmoil. (or whatever it is you deal with specifically.) It's certainly not going to go away on its own. It's a process - and we have to yield to that process.

Today I will consciously yield to the process He is doing in my heart. I will make every effort to put off anger instead of embracing it. My meditation will be on His peace and I will choose to embrace His work in my heart. I'll purposefully choose to lay aside anger and choose to follow peace. Will you join me?

Waiting with Integrity

Caregivers have unusual enemies. I say that because our circumstances in life offer different perspectives of the battle. We have unique concerns that others perhaps can't even understand. Day-to-day decisions can become very complicated for the caregiver and simple tasks like making meals or figuring out how to go buy groceries can be huge tasks. It can be a huge undertaking to complete the things most people don't even have to give a second thought to. For me I either have to figure out how to do things like buy groceries or supplies inside a very limited time frame while an aide is here or make ride arrangements 24 hours in advance. It's not a simple thing to just go buy a bag of groceries. And what if I'm about out of eggs and the aide doesn't show up? Let's get real with it - what if I'm out of toilet paper and today's the day I gotta get to the store; and the aide doesn't show up?

While others are worrying about their jobs, which coffee to buy at Starbucks or which movie to go see on the weekend, the caregiver is trying to survive another day. Our enemies can be discouragement, exhaustion, or fighting to keep our chin up and remain positive from day to day. In Psalm 25, the psalmist asks the Lord to not let my enemies win. For caregivers our prayer might be, Lord don't let caregiving take me under! Don't let it define me; You define who I am. It's very easy to lose yourself in caring for another person so much that you can't find yourself anymore. That can be the biggest enemy of all.

In verse 16 of Psalm 25, David says I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged, bring me out of my distresses. That's getting up close and personal. To ask God for help, we have to be honest with Him. It's not that He can't just reach down and rescue us no matter what we are going through - but true deliverance comes through honest and earnest prayer. How will we know what He has brought us out of if we don't identify it? How will we know what we are fighting if it's not identifiable? Personally, I can get sucked into this huge pit of depression which can be debilitating. I can barely take care of daily caregiving chores. Over time, I've recognized the patterns and learned strategies to preempt a long bout with depression. By identifying it and being honest about it I can avoid the deep, dark pit. It's okay to be specific with our prayers - and it's okay to admit to God how we really feel. (It's not like He didn't already know!)

Verses 20 and 21 say this:
Guard my soul and deliver me;
Do not let me be ashamed 
For I take refuge in You.
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me
For I wait for You.

God is able to guard our souls - that is a lot deeper than just taking care of our flesh. He protects the part of us that truly feels the pain of caregiving. He can keep our being safe - even if our body is broken. It takes integrity to be honest with ourselves and with God. To truly wait on Him means I admit I need some help here! The caregiver can wear themselves out trying to rely on themselves - but there comes a time when we know it's not our strength we are running on. When we wait on Him He will guard us and keep us hidden in Him.

Today my meditation will be on how He guards my soul. I will yield to His peace and His strength and allow Him to carry me - mind, will and emotions - through this day. My thoughts will be on how He preserves me in trouble.  And I will speak honestly with Him about how I really feel - so He can heal my heart and soul. Will you join me?

It's All About the Response

A few days ago I began thinking about Cain and Able and how God warned Cain and tried to prepare him for success instead of failure. My real questions were not so much about Cain specifically, but more about why he was the one who received the warning about sin "crouching at the door." Why don't we see that God warned Adam and Eve about what was going to happen? Whey not warn Able that he was about to be attacked? He was the good one after all. So I went back to Genesis 4 and began reading it again.

In verses 3-5 we have a description of Cain and Able bringing their offerings to the Lord; Able's was accepted, Cain's was not. I'm thinking that verse 6 explains why Cain's was not accepted - Why are you so angry?  God asked of Cain. Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you respond in the right way. But if you refuse to respond correctly, then watch out! Sin is waiting to attack and destroy you and you must subdue it. (NLT) There are many points that we could look at but I just want to concentrate on one today. You will be accepted if you respond the right way...

I'll be the first to admit that my response to being thrust into full time caregiving has not always been "acceptable" nor appropriate. It was reasonable - anger is a normal response, fear is too. As caregivers we face many frustrating situations - usually every single day. It can be so easy to become discouraged, upset, frustrated and distraught. There are things that I simply cannot control; but how I respond to each situation can determine my success or failure for the day. I am the captain of my soul said one poet. Although there are many things that I do not have control over and many that I simply cannot change - I am in total control of my response to each circumstance that is presented in a day.

Today I will start evaluating my responses. Am I responding in faith? What is the first thing out of my mouth when something goes wrong? (You really do not want to know!) Cain's response was all wrong even though God gave him ample time to make the correction so that he could stay in right standing with God. How will we respond today to pain of any kind? How will we respond if aides or supplies do not show up? How do we respond when the day collapses around us and we feel like we cannot move or breathe? -- the opposite of Cain, of course!

We are furnace walkers - we must keep walking. Today I will meditate on how He is with me even in the furnace- so that I will not lose heart. And I will remind myself that He is faithful. When my response falls short of righteous - I'll go back to His faithfulness. I'll purposefully take myself out of the center of focus and concentrate on Him and His goodness...that's how I plan on making it through today....

The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...