Showing posts with label living grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living grief. Show all posts

Blessed are Those Who Mourn

my mama holding one of her beloved stuffed animals

 This morning, I started reading through the New Testament. I'm certain I can read the entire NT between now and the end of the year. I read the Bible a lot, but I haven't just read it through in a while. Now is as good a time as any to start. I only made it through the first four chapters and into the Sermon on the Mount in chapter 5 before my thoughts ran away with me. 

Jesus starts His first public address with what we've called The Beatitudes. He mentions eight "heart conditions" that are blessed. I found us in verse 4. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. In the Greek, mourn means to mourn or grieve. There's no doubt that caregivers deal with grief on numerous levels, and many endure what is called living grief. We often mourn over the loss of a person who is still here with us. 

Caregivers can also grieve in other ways. Sometimes, grief over life-related losses such as a social life, a job, or other norms can be overwhelming. Many of us have lost what we thought were close relationships when we began our caregiving journeys. Losses are unique to the caregiver, but we all have them.

As I read these few verses over and over this morning, I realized they all had to do with the heart. None of them pertain to social standing, socioeconomic standings, leadership capabilities, church positions, or anything else we often use to measure "success." They all come from the heart. And here's where God meets us. When we mourn (and as caregivers, we will mourn), He will comfort us. This may mean that we see God in a totally different way than we could have ever fathomed BC. (Before Caregiving.)

While the world tends to shun or ignore us because they largely don't get us, God pulls us close to comfort us and soothe our souls. Many reject us because they can't handle our grief. We all need friends like Job had who came and just sat with him and grieved for an entire week. They just sat there, saying absolutely nothing. Then, like the religious bigots we know - they turned on him, and accusations rolled. I'm sorry to say that many caregivers go through similar scenarios, usually with their families.

But God gets us. So much that it was the second mention in the Sermon on the Mount. This bears out the truth mentioned in the OT, that God moves closer to the brokenhearted. (Psalm 34:18) Actually, when Jesus read from the OT scriptures in Luke 4:18, He was declaring that He was sent to heal the brokenhearted. He comforts and heals us even though life is going to wound us over and over again.

Today, I'll remind myself that it is okay to grieve. It's a natural part of the caregiving journey. But I'll also remind myself that God is moving closer to me in those moments just for the purpose of bringing comfort in the pain. His eye is on us, and nothing escapes His notice, whether it is joy, pain, sadness, or growth. He is along for the ride and the best companion for our journey. I will remind myself that He is in my right here, right now, so I can trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

                                                                                                                 





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Where No One Dares to Follow

 


I don't know how long you've been on your caregiving journey, but I've been on mine for almost 14 years. One of my friends is the caregiver for her son who is now in his 40s. Some of you just started on this journey. I'm still a newbie compared to many others! 

There's no doubt that the caregiver's journey is a lonely one. The social isolation is often unbearable. Yet, we adjust. BC (before caregiving) I was super social. I went a lot. I fellowshipped a lot. I traveled miles and miles. But for the last 14 years, all of that has been limited. 

Others often try to encourage us or cheer us up. But very few are willing to go where we go. Recently, I had a long-time friend who wanted to take me out. At first, it was just for a date. Then he decided he wanted us to spend the day together. I enjoyed our day together, but he has no idea all the hoops I had to jump through. lol. I get other invites from time to time, but I don't answer many of them.  What I don't have is people willing to follow me down this road. 

Have you looked up and realized that no one came with you? Maybe they wish you well. Some pray for you. Most are truly compassionate and concerned. But few dare to follow. We often give Job's friend a bad rap. They were horrible once they started talking. lol. But before that, they came. They saw. They were not prepared for the depth of grief and sorrow they saw their friend enduring. 

Job 2:12 says they lifted their voices and wept. They were so overcome, that they sat for seven days and seven nights in silence. They deserve kudos for showing up, and for being there for their friend. 

Maybe you're like me and you've looked up and realized that no one has dared follow you down this road. There may be a few watching from a distance. Many are likely praying for you. But oh for a friend who can follow you down the caregiving road. If you are like me (and hopefully you're not) and you've realized people just can't endure watching our struggle, I have good news. Jesus has followed you every step of the way. As a matter of fact, He continues to take each step with you. Sometimes, when your strength gives out, there are no more tears, and you think you can't take one more step - He will carry you. 

Today, I choose to focus on the God who is present. I choose to turn my eyes to the One who is not afraid of the journey. My eyes will be on the One who will never abandon, the One who will never just watch from a distance. God is not afraid to be a part of our stories. I will thank Him for staying on this road with me, for carrying me, prodding me, and sharing His strength with me for this journey as I trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

                                                                                                                                       


If you enjoy these devotionals, I have others! I've expanded my bookstore on Amazon. My devotionals are available in Kindle or print format. The new Bible study guides are now available on Kindle and in print! Check out my growing bookstore! 

I also recently opened my own bookstore. I'm presently filling it up with my books - check out the ones I have available in eBook format. You can download them and read them on your phone! Dove's Fire Ministries Bookstore.


Living Grief

Eli waling beside Chris' chair

 As caregivers, many of us deal with daily grief and a constant sense of loss. Even though we don't feel these emotions all of the time, they do keep coming back. For me, mine is often sparked by seeing something on my Facebook feed. I'll see one of Chris' friends or a memory and it'll tip my emotional bucket right over. Living grief is one of those things the church doesn't know how to deal with. Well, honestly, who really knows how to deal with it? It's not just going to go away, now is it? :-)

In some hyper-faith circles, grief is pretty much forbidden. Yet even under the old law, it was allowed room. If you lost a close loved one such as a spouse, parent, or sibling, you were given an entire year to mourn. Our culture allows a little time, but then we are expected to be back at work, back at church, or back to our daily lives after a very short time. We just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

But living grief continues. When we deal with parents who have dementia or Alzheimer's, we grieve over who they were even though they are still with us. Many of us are caregivers of children or other family members who suffered injuries in an accident. They are still here, but who they were is gone. Some such as one of my dear friends care for children who have needed intense care since birth. They grieve over children who haven't had the opportunity to even begin a normal life.

Grief is real. It is constant for many. Grief can be debilitating. Yet day after day we climb out of the cave to provide for our loved ones. Oftentimes, we do this while carrying a load of grief that doesn't ever quite go away. It's there. Nagging. I find it easier to work through and get past as time goes on. But it returns over and over to taunt my heart.

How do we overcome such a sense of loss? Is there no end? Usually, I pull up a few scriptures to help me work through them. Stuffing the emotions will cause a giant explosion eventually. So, I pour out everything in my heart to God. I tell Him exactly how I feel It's not like He doesn't know, right? 

Then I begin to remind myself that He gave us THE Comforter. And He walks alongside us. He is here to help us carry our load day after day. I can toss all my cares and concerns over on Him and ask Him for comfort, peace, and wisdom to make it through each day. (Or each hour...or each minute.) Somehow - He always answers and carries me when I need Him most. God is Faithful.

Today, I'll remind myself that no matter where my emotions run - my heart always runs back to Him. My meditations will be on His Faithfulness and how He keeps our souls. I'll think about how He continues to walk through time with us, by choice. Will you join me?

                                                                                                                                          


If you enjoy these devotionals, I have others! I've expanded my bookstore on Amazon. My devotionals are available in Kindle or print format. The new Bible study guides are now available on Kindle and in print! Check out my growing bookstore! 

I also recently opened my own bookstore. I'm presently filling it up with my books - check out the ones I have available in eBook format. You can download them and read them on your phone! Dove's Fire Ministries Bookstore.


 


But I Have Today


Do you ever have days that are just heavier than others? Of course, you do - who am I talking to? Saturday was Chris' 37th birthday. For some reason, it was unusually hard as I thought of where all his friends are today. You know, married, having kids, and enjoying their careers. I cried more than once that day. I grieved over what should have been, what could have been. 

I hugged him a little tighter and thought about the progress he's made recently. The other night, I am certain he "sang" to me after I got him in bed. It was the sweetest thing and I posted it in his Facebook group where I share things I don't feel I can share as "publicly." He's moving more and initiating more of his movement on his own. There are many things to rejoice about.

At the same time, I am getting older. My joints hurt and I wonder how much longer I can take care of him. I fear the day that I won't be able to. This is the way the rest of my life looks, and I am okay with that. But before I let the fears settle in, I started thinking about what we have right now. Who knows what the future will bring for any of us, right? I certainly didn't dream of being here taking care of my adult son with a TBI years ago. It wasn't in my plans. 

So, I shifted my thinking before my thoughts betrayed me and dragged me down into the dark, caregiver's cave. I began to think about what I have with Chris today. As I shifted my focus to how far he's come - and all he's doing now. I maybe can't manage the future since it's not here yet. But I can manage today. Just today, I can handle that.

Jesus said in Matthew 6, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. I do not know what the future may hold for me or for my son - but I do know that I have today. 

Today, I will shift my thinking over to being thankful that I can take care of my son. I'll thank God for giving me the strength - just for today. My thoughts will be on how He has strengthened and carried me this far - and He's not going to abandon me here. He has proven Himself faithful in the most difficult circumstances - and He will not be changing that today! So, I will trust Him just for today. Will you join me?


                                                                                                                                           


If you enjoy these devotionals, I have others! I've expanded my bookstore on Amazon. My devotionals are available in Kindle or print format. The new Bible study guides are now available on Kindle and in print! Check out my growing bookstore: 

I also recently opened my own bookstore. I'm presently filling it up with my books - check out the ones I have available in eBook format. You can download them and read them on your phone! Dove's Fire Ministries Bookstore.


C

Sometimes

 


Most of the time, I hold it together well. At least to the point that no one knows what's really going on in my heart and mind. You, my dear readers, know more about my internal workings than pretty much anyone anywhere. :-)  But sometimes, it seems like I fall apart from the inside out. Sadness can come on randomly, or so it seems.

Like this morning. I woke up and remembered a dream. In the dream, Chris was sitting beside me on a couch and he turned his head and looked me eye-to-eye, and smiled. But it wasn't his brain injury half-smile that I've come to love. It was his full-on natural smile that I have missed. When I thought about the dream it brought a sense of great sadness to my heart. They (whoever they are) call it living grief. You experience a sense of loss for a person - but they are still here. They haven't died - even though the person they were is no longer with you. Many people who are caregivers for aging parents experience living grief too. Their parents suffer from dementia and are no longer the person they were. It's a difficult emotional set to deal with. You can't really move on, yet you must. That's where I am.

I was flooded with thoughts and memories of Chris BC (before caregiving). I recall who he was and how he was and it makes my heart smile. But it also brings sadness and a great sense of loss sometimes. How are we supposed to deal with this overflow of emotions as Christians? 

Start by taking a deep breath. Then go back to the basics. I make my mind run back through several truths.

  • God loves me. God loves Chris.
  • God has not abandoned us.
  • God sees.
  • God hears.
  • God is as close as my breath.
  • God's Spirit is my comforter.
I already feel better. The Sometimes are bound to happen on this type of road. But God is always there to pick me up, I love that about Him. It makes me think of a very weird scripture out of Ezekiel 16. In verse 6, it says when I passed by you, I saw you struggling in your own blood, - and I said, LIVE!

I'm so glad God sees fit to speak life into us when we feel the most lifeless. On those days the load feels so heavy, the road seems so long, we feel the most abandoned and alone... He says Live!

Today, I will shift my focus from my pain to His grace. For it is His grace that will carry me - and will carry you. My thoughts will be on His mercies that were new for me today - just so I could make it today. I'll get past this sometime and I'm sure there will be plenty more. But for today, I'll be grateful that He is in my today, in my sometimes, just to say, Live.  And live I shall - will you join me?


                                                                                                                                           


If you enjoy these devotionals, I have others! I've expanded my bookstore on Amazon. My devotionals are available in Kindle or print format. The new Bible study guides are now available on Kindle and in print! Check out my growing bookstore: 

I also recently opened my own bookstore. I'm presently filling it up with my books - check out the ones I have available in eBook format. You can download them and read them on your phone! Dove's Fire Ministries Bookstore.


Coming soon to both bookstores: 21 Days with the Prince of Peace 


He Gets That!


As I was reading this morning I came across a phrase that caught my eye. I picked up my Bible and just started reading where it opened. It just happened to be in Psalm 33. The subtitle had grabbed my attention as it says The sovereignty of the Lord in Creation and History. I’ve been looking at different passages about creation as I find it fascinating.
But when I got down to verses 13-15, I paused. Then, I read it over about four times. Then, I looked it up in several different versions. Guess what. They all say about the same thing. So, I looked it up in the Strong’s and Lexicon.
The word “fashioned” as I assumed means God shaped our hearts. He was involved in the creation, folding, and molding of each individual heart. And the heart, of course, is not representative of our physical blood-pumping heart. It’s our spirit-soul man. The part of us that makes us an individual. The part of us that is the alive part.

I found this all fascinating. Psalm 33:13-15 says this:
The Lord looks from heaven;
He sees all the sons of men.
From the place of His dwelling He looks
On all the inhabitants of the earth;
He fashions their hearts individually;
He considers all their works.
(NASB)

He did not mass-produce us He fashions each of our hearts. As mixed up as our hearts and emotions can be as caregivers, He sees and knows all the ins and outs we go through on any given day. He made our hearts with a capacity to care and to love – just like He has.

Sometimes as a caregiver, I can feel very cut off from the world. Social isolation is a real thing. And even on those times when I do get out, I can feel so separate – so different. And you know what? He gets that.

There are days filled with appointments, calls, visits. I can feel totally overwhelmed almost before I get up out of bed. Often, I get up as tired as I was when I laid down. You know what? He gets that.

Some days are frustrating from the get-go. Supplies don’t come in, aids either don’t show up or don’t do their jobs. (And we still have to treat them decent. Lol. You know what? He gets that.

There are times I’ve been totally overcome with grief. Tears well up in my eyes and I fight to keep from slipping into a depressed state. The world may not understand living grief. But you know what? He gets that.

Those same “hands” that took the time to form our hearts individually are there to pick it up when it shatters into a million pieces. Those graceful hands tenderly touch our hearts and bring peace in turmoil. If He took the time to individually form our innermost beings – He cares about every part of us, no doubt.

Today, I’m going to trust my fashioner with those parts of me that no one else can see. I’ll give Him the nitty-gritty parts of my heart that people overlook or ignore. I’ll lay the emotions I don’t even understand at His feet this morning. And I will trust Him from this most hidden place. Will you join me?


A Tight Grip

This morning I just feel creative - or maybe it's more of a need to just create. I'm not really sure what it is, but I felt like breathing some life into an old blog I used to keep. I started From the Furnace just as a place to put my emotions. It let me put them there and walk away. As time went on I stopped for one reason or another. But today I was talking about the grip of grief and just needed to get some things out.

Sometimes, caregiving comes with a living grief. It doesn't go away and it is very real. I've been carrying it for a few days now. I grieve because I haven't heard my son's voice in 10 years. I grieve because I see his friends marrying and having families. I grieve over the loss day after day. Grief seems to have a tight grip on my heart - so tight sometimes I am not sure I can breathe.

I've never been quite sure about what to do with the living grief. Some condemn it as a lack of faith. But I think it's quite the opposite. Especially as I press past the grieving to the grace. It takes a lot of faith to honestly tell God how you feel at any given moment. It speaks of a high level of trust to pull raw emotions out and become vulnerable before Him, knowing He's not going to take the grief away - but give me the grace to stand in the midst of it. This faith is not too different than the three Hebrew children standing before the king saying - We know God can deliver us - but if He doesn't - we still aren't going to bow. That's the kind of grip grace has on us. Our situations may or may not change - but our trust in Him remains the same no matter what. That's true faith, y'all. That demonstrates a grip of grace that will carry us through.

That's when I  realize that even though grief has a tight grip on me - His grace has a tighter grip. God told Paul, My grace is sufficient for you. God also promised to never leave us or forsake us. If I can put these two thoughts together, I have a grace that holds me tighter than the grief. It outlasts the grief since the grief can come and go on wave after emotional wave. But His grace - His all-sufficient grace steadfastly carries me over those waves. When I realize that and acknowledge that - peace seems to take over the turmoil.

Today, right in the midst of suffocating grief - I will trust His grace to carry me. Like the 3 facing the fiery furnace, I'll say -I'm not bowing to life's situations. I refuse to give in. I will bow to the grace of God though. My thoughts will be on letting His grace carry me and living in total surrender to His will, His grace, and His love. I'll focus my meditations on the truth that He doesn't leave me in the grip of grief or sadness, but He does extend His grace and His hand to lift me up. I'll stand in that grace and trust Him for just one more day - will you join me?

Sound Like a Warrior?

I'm presently working on a project about David - the worshipper and the warrior. I am learning so much!. He's one of my favorite Bible characters, and I've always enjoyed the psalms. As I was reading through so many of the psalms this morning, I found several verses that made me stop and scratch my head and wonder.

First, remember that David has slain giants. He walked right up to Goliath and prophesied he was going to take off his head. Then he did it. He ran from Saul, raised up armies, and fought and won many battles.

But here is this verse in Psalm 6:7 (NLT) where he says, I am worn out from sobbing. Every night I drench my bed; my pillow is wet from weeping. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of my enemies. That doesn't sound like "warrior talk" to me. Yet, we know David was a mighty warrior.

The caregiver carries a huge load day in and day out, with very little relief. Our vision - and view of life can so easily become blurred by grief. We've talked about living grief a few times. We're are grieving over the what-could-have-beens. Maybe our loved one is still "with us" technically, but not who we used to know. This can bring on unsurmountable daily grief. Even though I don't technically cry very often, I can relate a bit to David's feeling of being overwhelmed and overtaken.

Caregivers may not face physical enemies that are trying to take away our goods. But we do face physical weakness, fatigue, and illness that sidelines us or makes it that much harder to take care of our loved one. We face financial worries, fears, and doubts that war at our mind and soul wearing us down day after day. There's probably not too many caregivers who, if we are honest, will not say we haven't found ourselves at some point, with our faces buried in our pillows crying out for God to intervene and have mercy on us because it feels like life has sabotaged us.

But then just like David, the warrior, we get up, pick up our swords, and head right back into the daily battle (and joy) of caregiving. It's not all bad, right? We do what we do because we love our caregivee. It's what drives us to continue when we feel weak or discouraged. That same love that drove Jesus to the cross on our behalf - is the same love we have when we "lay our lives down" on behalf of those we care for.

David didn't stop at this psalm. He wasn't quitting. He was venting - and venting can be good! Being totally honest and vulnerable with God can let off enough steam to get us through the next course. You see, earlier in this same psalm, David says, Have compassion on me for I am weak and I am sick at heart. Even though he admitted how he really felt to God in prayer - it didn't take him out of the battle. Being close enough to God to tell Him the truth is what gives us the strength to get back up and go at it again.

Today, I will focus on being open, honest, and vulnerable with God. I'll remember it's my safe place and I can say anything. He won't condemn, judge, or cast me away. He listens, then gives His strength to the weary. My meditation will be on how He remains with me - and doesn't leave when my life looks ugly or gets hard. I'll rejoice in that truth as I trust Him and rest in Him for one more day. Will you join me?

Disappearing Words

A caregiver's day is full; and that's an understatement. Many days I find myself running to Him to unload it all. It's scriptural. Paul said, or actually instructed us to bring all our cares to Him. For caregivers, that's quite a load. Some days it can also be hourly. Maybe that's just me.

It's easy for our heart to be simply overwhelmed with caregiving itself. I touch on the daily tasks a lot - but they are many and can be expansive depending on the health and status of the loved one we are taking care of.

For me it's the basic stuff - bathing, clothing, pureeing foods, cooking, feeding, changing, exercising...basically everything I might do for myself I do for my son. That's double daily tasks from the get-go. That just all the outside stuff. While those can keep me busy, it's the emotional stuff that can get me down. That's the real baggage and memories can tug on my heart. Personally, I deal with what is called living grief. My son is gone - but he's still here. And when it overwhelms, I can only run to Him.

Yesterday I sat down with my guitar. I'm trying to have quiet time everyday. More than anything else, I need to be quiet and I need to listen. As I sat down to focus on Him for a few minutes I started singing a chorus I'd written several years ago. I was strumming and singing and realized how focusing on Him had washed away all my fears, all my raw emotions.. and all my words.

I had come to Him with my gauge on "full" only to have Him take it away - as I focused on His holiness. Words disappeared when I focused on Him. Here's the words to the chorus I was singing:

Words run like rivers through my head
So many things I felt need to be said
But when I'm in Your presence, Lord
My words are few
My lips fall silent 
As I gaze at You...

My heart cries Holy is my King.
Holy is our God.

With just one gaze, His holiness washed away all my words. My heart was full of Him instead of the cares of the day. I was refreshed. I was a new person. Oh if I can remember to take the time to focus on Him instead of letting my words run away with my head. I have to remind myself that my situation does not change His holiness, His faithfulness, His Kingship, His Strength...He did not get off His throne when my little world fell apart. He is still God.

Today I am going to get outside my head. I will shift my focus to how constant He is in my shaky world. My thoughts will be on His holiness, His strength and His unending love for me..right where I am. And I will rest in Him and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?

So Far So Good

Yesterday I lost a family member and somehow I think grieving losses like that are maybe not "more difficult" as a caregiver, but more complicated. If that makes sense.

Many caregivers, myself included, live with what is called a living grief. That basically means we grieve the loss of our loved one - but they didn't die. They are here - but they are not here. It's a grief that doesn't allow for any closure and it's ongoing. Then when you add any more grief on top of that - it's a very heavy load to carry. Fortunately, I know the Lord and I can take all my cares to Him and drop them off! (I know, that's not KJV!)

This morning I was sitting, drinking coffee and staring at the wall as it was all sinking in. I thought about not doing a devotion - I needed on myself. lol. I opened up an email and saw this scripture which was exactly what I needed to hear today. It's 1 Samuel 7:12. Samuel has just become judge in Israel and the Children of Israel had just torn down all the idols and returned to the Lord with a whole heart.

The Philistines approached and were hoping for a quick slaughter. But God had other ideas. Now Samuel was a judge and a prophet, but he did not know natural warfare. He could not lead the charge. God knew this - but I believe He saw the hearts of the people turning wholly to Him, and He applauded. Only to the Philistines it sounded like thunder and they got all confused. In the confusion, God and the Israelites wiped them out that day!

Then comes verse 12. Samuel sets up a large stone and named it "Ebenezer" which means stone of help. And then he said, up to this point - God has helped us. That just clicked with me this morning. Up to this point in my life, God has been my help. And as I face another day of caregiving and a season of grieving - He will still be my help.

My loose translation of that is so far - so good!  God has been my help, He is my help and He will continue being my help. Now that I can hold on to for today as I turn my heart wholly to Him and do the real work - resting in Him.

Today I will remind myself of God's ever abiding presence. I will acknowledge His help throughout my journey and use it to remind myself that He's still here for the rest of the journey as well. So far God has helped me - and He has no other intentions just because my world got rocked again. My thoughts will be on how I can rest in Him and how I can let Him be my help, my source, my everything. And just like all the other days - I'll trust Him. I'll wait for Him. I'll rest in Him. Will you join me?

Famine of the Soul

Have you ever had those days where you feel like life is dragging you into the deep dark mire of depression? You can feel its grip tightening with every breath and it's reflecting in every sluggish move. I have to admit I feel that way today. I can't blame it on any one thing - but a series of events have had this effect on me and honestly I don't always know how to get out or break its grip.

As I opened my Bible this morning, mostly out of habit to be truthful, my eyes fell on a couple of verses out of Psalm 32. Verses 7 says this: You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance. 

This is what I call a "two-way" psalm because between verse 7 and 8 it changes from second person to first person - like God is answering the psalmist. These are cool to me because it's like God interrupts the psalmist mid stream to get His thoughts in. Because verse 8 just pops out of nowhere with: I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.

So that got my attention and I thought about it a bit and then turned a page and saw this in Psalm 33:16-18:

The king is not saved by a mighty army
A warrior is not delivered by great strength.
A horse is a false hope for victory;
Nor does it deliver anyone by its strength.
Behold the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope for His lovingkindness,
To deliver their soul from death
and to keep them alive in famine.

I think the biggest issues of being a caregiver are not physical but emotional which is our soul. We can live in a sort of famine of the soul where our emotions stay raw and open. Even though becoming a caregiver bringing about some physical changes, it's the soul that is ravaged by grief. Our soul gets its workout everyday just trying to navigate through all the emotions. But God will keep us alive in this famine of the soul.

Both of these psalms speak of His eyes being on us. I have to trust that no matter what I feel or face He is watching over me. I have to trust that He will instruct me - and I will hear Him. I have to trust that He is always watching, always listening and always ready to step in when I can't bear anymore. Well, I don't usually really give it all to Him until I get to that point. So today - I'm at that point! (smile) So I choose to give it to the One who is watching over me...one more time.

Today I'm going to try to consciously give Him my grief, pain, tears and struggles. I can't see Him watching over my soul and I can't feel Him rescuing my soul from famine; but I'll trust Him anyway. I will choose to trust Him to heal and protect my soul today. I'll lean in to Him with just a little more effort and trust He sees all, He knows all, and He's got my back today. Will you join me?

What about Jakob?

I've read and reread the story of Joseph, and growing up in church it was one of the common Bible stories that we heard over and over. On one hand I think the caregiver can learn from Joseph's patience. He had a dream that seemed could never come true. Life betrayed him. I know the scriptures don't go into Joseph's thoughts but he had to have some serious dedication to God to not lose it during those waiting years.

I think of the betrayal by his brothers. Then the betrayal by Potiphar's wife. Not only did his brothers put him in a pit until they could sell him to the next passerby, Potiphar has him thrown into prison for something he didn't do. He spent a lot of time waiting, wondering, and trying to figure things out I would assume.

While our stories usually focus on Joseph and his determination to serve God through his trials, this weekend as I was rereading the story once again, I thought about Jakob.

In Genesis 37, it says that Jakob wept for Joseph and goes on to say he refused to be comforted. His other children all tried to console him, but his reply was I will go to my grave mourning for my son. He had no idea that Joseph was going to be his leader some day and he had no reason to believe that Joseph was alive - no hope that everything would be okay one day. He lived in grief.

The caregiver can experience what is called a living grief. Depending on the particulars of our situation, we can lose a lot. For my situation, my son is gone, but his body is still here. I have grieved the loss of my son but can't quite "put it away" since there was no funeral or burial. The grief continues. It's the same with my mom. She's experiencing dementia and is not really who she used to be. I have to grieve the loss, even though she's still technically here. 

Many caregivers experience this living grief and it can be some very complex emotions to work through.You can't just "move on" but there's still a sense of loss. Caregivers have given up something on some level no matter what their situation. Some give up jobs, freedom, friends, and many other aspects of life to care for a loved one.

1 Corinthians 1:3 says that God is the God of all comfort.  I really like this little word, all. God can comfort Joseph sitting in the prison cell wondering where the promise is; and God can comfort Jakob who feels like the promise was stolen and is gone forever. God can feel us. He gets us. And He will comfort and strengthen our hearts.

Today I will turn my thoughts to the fact that He gets me. He understands everything I am going through and He pours His strength into me - and gives me strength for today's journey. (everyday is a journey for caregivers) My meditations will be on the truth that He loves me with the same love I have for my son. (Insert whoever you are a caregiver for.) And instead of focusing on the loss today - I'll focus on His provision, His love, His strength, His patience with me and the grace He gives me to make it one more day. Will you join me?

Can You Find One?

I noticed something different starting with Psalm 144. David changes the tone and starts these last few pieces with praise. Before that, he started several of them with feelings of despair and cries for help. I will be the first to say that when trouble pops up I'm going to go straight to Him first, there's no other refuge or shelter to run to for me. For several psalms David has been asking for the Lord's help and for the last few he shifts his focus to praise.

As caregivers we have good and bad days inside our cave. Our emotions can run very high and swing from one end of the spectrum to the other in a matter of a few minutes. Some situations, like mine, we deal with a living grief. My son is gone, but he's still here. For many, it's not going to get any better and there is no relief in sight. This can make for a rocky emotional situation. If you are like me some days you can handle it fine; other days - we just won't talk about! Suffice it to say that our emotions can be all over the place!

If we, like David, can turn our focus to praising God even in our very difficult situations we can help ourselves out. I will be the first to admit that some days I just don't feel like it. Period. But if I can talk myself in to picking up the guitar and strumming a few chords and maybe singing something like Psalm 61 I can find myself resting in His arms and filled with praise. Psalm 61 is a prayer for help that goes like this:

Hear my cry, O God
Attend unto my prayer
From the ends of the earth will I cry unto You.
When my heart is overwhelmed
Please lead me to the rock
That is higher than I.
For You have been 
A shelter from the storm
A high tower from the enemy.

And just those few phrases can give us a place to start. Sometimes we have to purposefully look for something to praise Him for. Honestly, I've had days where I've been angry with God for not taking me out of the situation. But if I take the time to look hard enough and long enough - there's always  something to praise Him for. When I start my day off with praise it's going to go a lot smoother. 

Sometimes we can get bogged down and have to find a "praise spot" during the middle of the day too. On one hand it can seem difficult to find something in our situations to praise Him for. But I can always start with Psalm 61 and thank Him for always being present, for being a safe refuge to run to when I'm on overload and for sheltering me during the storm.

Today I will purposefully praise Him for just being God. I will turn my thoughts to His ever-abiding presence in my life and for always being there to run to. My meditation will be on how He is that rock that is bigger than me and my situation and I will praise Him. Will you join me?

The Stare

  Do you ever just find yourself sitting and staring at the wall? It doesn't really happen too often because, quite frankly, who has tim...