I got in my recliner, coffee in hand, Bible in lap, all ready to read a bit. I'm cruising through the Psalms and hit chapter 81. In verse 11, God has noted that His people are not listening to Him. They stubbornly pursue their own desires. And by 14 He says if they would listen to Him - He would subdue their enemies.
That's when my mind went nuts on me. My initial response was something like - so if I get myself together and really pursue God - really listen to Him He sill subdue MY enemy? My greatest enemy in my thinking is a brain injury. Well, if God could "subdue" that - my life would be so much easier. And from there I got mad once again because I don't figure God's going to swoop in and take the TBI away.
But as I kept rolling some thoughts around and trying to get un-mad at God again, I realized the TBI isn't my worst enemy. My enemy isn't even life. We understand the life of a caregiver is not easy and every day brings difficulties needing to be worked through. Everything is complicated, even the most basic of our daily chores like cooking, eating, bathing etc. It's all complicated and it can get to the place where it nags at us chipping away at our faith and trust in Him. That's when I recognized my enemy.
It's not a TBI that I honestly do wish was not there, but it's in the day-to-day grind of living life as a caregiver that chips away at my faith. Trying to control my thoughts and battle against depression can be an enemy. I want to trust but life can be so frustrating. I can't tell you how many times I've honestly wanted to blame God and throw my hands up in the air to give up on my faith. I have these weak moments when I feel as though I am totally overcome by life. And that chipping away at my faith, the eroding of my trust in Him, battling the crazy thoughts that go through my mind - that's the enemy.
As difficult as it is, and as simple as it sounds - if I can turn to Him one more time - He can help me conquer these enemies. He knows I cannot conquer them on my own - and He is not going to let me get swallowed up by them. All He is waiting for is for me to give up the battle and try to trust Him for one more day. And that I will.
Today I will focus my energy on turning my heart to His. I'll listen for His subtle voice and try to shut out the craziness that tries to chip away at faith. My thoughts will be on how He can crush these enemies of my soul, and one more time I will wait for Him. Will you join me?
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