When I Cannot See
I know it's a misread message, on one hand, but things like not being able to get my son's Jevity, aides quitting and not being replaced and then my van breaking leaving us stranded, eventually got to me. It seems like every situation screams you are not important!
Caregivers live lives that are different from every one else, we don't need anything to make us stand out from the crowd any more than what's normal for us. But as it all piled up over the last week or so I became recluse. And of course, the problem with that is that those thoughts running around in my head become more numerous, crazier and out of control.
I went from trying to figure out how to get out and buy groceries on foot along with pushing my son's chair to what am I going to do when I get older? How will I find a way to fix the van goes on to how will I pay for my funeral? and What will happen to Chris once I'm gone. That's just the top layer - the questions run crazy around in my head until I literally just can't see. Nothing makes any sense and I feel like I'm drowning in the sea of life. (Maybe it's just me.)
So my response is to find a scripture to hang onto but I've gone blind and deaf in that arena too. Until one particular one comes to mind. It's in Psalm 77. Basically about verse 10 the author starts wondering if God has forsaken them and if He has turned off His mercy spout in their lives. But then in verse 11 we find what we (I) need to do when I cannot see.... look back at what He's done.
So to get out of the funk, I started thinking about all the things God has done even though I'm blind to His doings today. I thought of how He's provided all along the way on this caregiving journey, how He has performed some wonderful healings in my family, how He has never left me alone - no matter how I feel. I've said it before - but He doesn't leave when life gets ugly.
Taking a few minutes to re-ground myself in Him has made all the difference, mostly in my attitude! If you are having trouble "seeing" today - hindsight is 20/20 - look back at what you know He's done in your life before today. It also helps me to speak it out loud. When I say what I know He's done out loud - it's like I'm reminding myself and it doesn't take too long to break into praise and thanksgiving. What a way to break off the chains trying to drag me under today.
Today I'm not going to think about what is going on right here, right now. I'm going to continue to thank Him for things He's done in my life before. My thoughts and meditations will be on Him - not my situation. How about you? Will you join me?
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