Skip to main content

When I Cannot See

It's been a series of events lately that has left me silent. As caregivers, I know you understand those times when everything piles up on you. As if caregiving itself was not enough. I take it all personally too - like we really don't matter.

I know it's a misread message, on one hand, but things like not being able to get my son's Jevity, aides quitting and not being replaced and then my van breaking leaving us stranded, eventually got to me. It seems like every situation screams you are not important!

Caregivers live lives that are different from every one else, we don't need anything to make us stand out from the crowd any more than what's normal for us. But as it all piled up over the last week or so I became recluse. And of course, the problem with that is that those thoughts running around in my head become more numerous, crazier and out of control.

I went from trying to figure out how to get out and buy groceries on foot along with pushing my son's chair to what am I going to do when I get older? How will I find a way to fix the van goes on to how will I pay for my funeral? and What will happen to Chris once I'm gone. That's just the top layer - the questions run crazy around in my head until I literally just can't see. Nothing makes any sense and I feel like I'm drowning in the sea of life. (Maybe it's just me.)

So my response is to find a scripture to hang onto but I've gone blind and deaf in that arena too. Until one particular one comes to mind. It's in Psalm 77. Basically about verse 10 the author starts wondering if God has forsaken them and if He has turned off His mercy spout in their lives. But then in verse 11 we find what we (I) need to do when I cannot see.... look back at what He's done.

So to get out of the funk, I started thinking about all the things God has done even though I'm blind to His doings today. I thought of how He's provided all along the way on this caregiving journey, how He has performed some wonderful healings in my family, how He has never left me alone - no matter how I feel. I've said it before - but He doesn't leave when life gets ugly.

Taking a few minutes to re-ground myself in Him has made all the difference, mostly in my attitude! If you are having trouble "seeing" today - hindsight is 20/20 - look back at what you know He's done in your life before today. It also helps me to speak it out loud. When I say what I know He's done out loud - it's like I'm reminding myself and it doesn't take too long to break into praise and thanksgiving. What a way to break off the chains trying to drag me under today.

Today I'm not going to think about what is going on right here, right now. I'm going to continue to thank Him for things He's done in my life before. My thoughts and meditations will be on Him - not my situation. How about you? Will you join me?

Comments

  1. Believe me Jeanie its not just you! The aide thing was a constant problem for us as well. and then over a year ago we got one that was semi dependable worked very hard and was trustworthy so I got the crazy idea I could go back to work part time. Well after a few weeks of getting my foot back in the work door, she up and quits. That was a tough time. Got very depressed. But as always God is at work. We got on the program that pays me to care for my sweet wife. It has help[ed financially but I get no breaks except for 2 hours a week. When the aide shows up that is. That is still a problem but alsa I drone on. Thanks for your transparency Jeanie.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I haven't even tried to think about working outside the home - but I'm sorry it didn't work out. Presently, I've been without an aide for about a month, this go around anyway! Lol They told me one was coming Monday - but a few Mondays have passed since then so I don't know which Monday! :-)

    So glad to hear you are now getting paid for caregiving now!That is awesome and has to help out at least a bit. Hope that continues to work out well for you. And yay for 2 hours a week.I hope you can find something you enjoy doing for those two hours - be refreshed. Thanks for sharing and for reading!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ups and Downs

  Maybe it's just "that time of year" for me, but I've struggled a lot the last few weeks. I still affectionately  call it the caregiver's fog. Lol. Okay, maybe it's not-so-affectionately. I know I can share my true feelings with you guys because you get it. You understand the day-to-day grind of caregiving. The military has a saying about there being no easy day. I think we live in that reality. It's just not easy caring for another whole person, is it? Caregiving presents many difficulties. We can find ourselves alone, so very alone on this journey. It doesn't just go away. We don't just work through it. It seems to go on and on. There are lots of ups and downs - and that can be about every 90 seconds some days. Right? (smile!) As I've been working through this emotional maze the last few days, I turned my thoughts to Daniel. Let's take a realistic look at his circumstances because as we read his story in the Bible, we tend to glamorize i

Seasons Are Temporary

  This morning, I found myself reading in Isaiah 28. I ended up there because I was looking for something in particular, and even though I didn't find what I was looking for, I found what I needed. God's so cool like that, isn't He? My eyes first fell on verse 29, which says in the NKJ: This also comes from the Lord of hosts, Who is wonderful in counsel and excellent in guidance. I rolled that over in my mind and heart a few times and spent a few minutes thinking about how I'd seen His counsel in action in my own life. We've all had those times when we weren't sure what to do or where to go, and suddenly, an idea drops into our thoughts. There are many ways He provides direction for us. He may direct our steps through a passage of scripture, a trusted spiritual leader such as a pastor, a YouTube teacher, and maybe even a lowly blog writer. Lol. No matter how He chooses to deliver His counsel, it comes - but we must listen. After I had rolled these thoughts and t

Seek and Ye Shall Find

 Over the last few weeks, I've been trying to strategize ways of dealing with stress. It's something we all deal with, especially caregivers. I'm walking and exercising more, which helps the body get rid of stress and it helps improve sleep to some degree. But I've also been working on training my thoughts. I've been working on purposefully finding things to be thankful for. At first, it was a bit difficult because let's face it, caregiving is hard work.  This morning, I was plugging Chris into a nebulizer for a breathing treatment as he had an asthma attack yesterday afternoon after we'd been out for a little bit. As I was doing his treatment and his tube feeding, I didn't even really think about it; this "thought" just rolled up out of me. I thought, thank you, Lord, for carrying us through the long night. My own thankfulness surprised me! Lol. I realized at that moment that it's getting easier and easier to be thankful, even for the litt