When I Cannot See
I know it's a misread message, on one hand, but things like not being able to get my son's Jevity, aides quitting and not being replaced and then my van breaking leaving us stranded, eventually got to me. It seems like every situation screams you are not important!
Caregivers live lives that are different from every one else, we don't need anything to make us stand out from the crowd any more than what's normal for us. But as it all piled up over the last week or so I became recluse. And of course, the problem with that is that those thoughts running around in my head become more numerous, crazier and out of control.
I went from trying to figure out how to get out and buy groceries on foot along with pushing my son's chair to what am I going to do when I get older? How will I find a way to fix the van goes on to how will I pay for my funeral? and What will happen to Chris once I'm gone. That's just the top layer - the questions run crazy around in my head until I literally just can't see. Nothing makes any sense and I feel like I'm drowning in the sea of life. (Maybe it's just me.)
So my response is to find a scripture to hang onto but I've gone blind and deaf in that arena too. Until one particular one comes to mind. It's in Psalm 77. Basically about verse 10 the author starts wondering if God has forsaken them and if He has turned off His mercy spout in their lives. But then in verse 11 we find what we (I) need to do when I cannot see.... look back at what He's done.
So to get out of the funk, I started thinking about all the things God has done even though I'm blind to His doings today. I thought of how He's provided all along the way on this caregiving journey, how He has performed some wonderful healings in my family, how He has never left me alone - no matter how I feel. I've said it before - but He doesn't leave when life gets ugly.
Taking a few minutes to re-ground myself in Him has made all the difference, mostly in my attitude! If you are having trouble "seeing" today - hindsight is 20/20 - look back at what you know He's done in your life before today. It also helps me to speak it out loud. When I say what I know He's done out loud - it's like I'm reminding myself and it doesn't take too long to break into praise and thanksgiving. What a way to break off the chains trying to drag me under today.
Today I'm not going to think about what is going on right here, right now. I'm going to continue to thank Him for things He's done in my life before. My thoughts and meditations will be on Him - not my situation. How about you? Will you join me?
Believe me Jeanie its not just you! The aide thing was a constant problem for us as well. and then over a year ago we got one that was semi dependable worked very hard and was trustworthy so I got the crazy idea I could go back to work part time. Well after a few weeks of getting my foot back in the work door, she up and quits. That was a tough time. Got very depressed. But as always God is at work. We got on the program that pays me to care for my sweet wife. It has help[ed financially but I get no breaks except for 2 hours a week. When the aide shows up that is. That is still a problem but alsa I drone on. Thanks for your transparency Jeanie.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing with us. I haven't even tried to think about working outside the home - but I'm sorry it didn't work out. Presently, I've been without an aide for about a month, this go around anyway! Lol They told me one was coming Monday - but a few Mondays have passed since then so I don't know which Monday! :-)
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear you are now getting paid for caregiving now!That is awesome and has to help out at least a bit. Hope that continues to work out well for you. And yay for 2 hours a week.I hope you can find something you enjoy doing for those two hours - be refreshed. Thanks for sharing and for reading!