The move is behind us, my aunt is in an assisted living facility. So now I am a full-time caregiver for my son as well as a long-distance caregiver for my aunt. These are two very different dynamics. But we press on.
I've struggled with feelings of inadequacies and learned that sometimes I really can't do it all. Evidently, I misplaced my cape. Smile so did you, Superman!
The last few days I've been in prayer about the "call" God placed on my life. I have struggled so much with what I thought that was going to look like. Finally, I just put in His hands and asked Him to tell me what to do. So, this morning when I opened my Bible to Isaiah 49 I found myself.
Isaiah starts this chapter out talking about his personal call. He is rehearsing what God told him. He said to me, "You are my servant..." Isaiah reminds himself that God called him before birth (v.1), in the womb, He called my name he says in the first verse of this chapter. But how he digressed from the calm assurance of the call in verse one to verse four where he says, But my work all seems so useless. I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose at all. I have so felt that way about the things God put on my heart to do - caregiving came on me quickly and I felt like so many things were left hanging. Life sometimes feels useless when we hide too deeply in the caregiver's cave. We can wrestle with feelings of inadequacy, insignificance, and unfulfillment.
The good thing is that Isaiah then gives us a "but." He says, but I leave it all in the Lord's hands; I will trust God for my reward. For me, this means putting it all back in God's hands - all those feelings of loss and the grief over what could-have-been; and finding that place of simply trusting Him again.
Instead of leaving grief, sadness, and loss sitting in our hearts to drag us down, let's put it all in His hands today. That's the place I'd come to over the last few days - I gave it all back to Him and let go of it all. My prayer was more - You do what You want with me, the call, my life - I'll just obey, and sit back and watch.
Today, I'm putting it all in His hands. I'll turn my thoughts and prayers toward hearing His heart beat for me. I want to hear that over any noise in my busy world. My intention is to leave it all with Him and move out of the way to see how He will bring His plan to pass in my life. Maybe I can't see it - but it's not about making it happen. It's more about leaving it in His hands and watching it happen. I'll leave it all with Him and trust Him for one more day. Will you join me?