Skip to main content

Broken but Accepted

Sorry for the long absence. I'm really still in the process of getting myself back together. Honestly, I've been on overload and as the end of the year draws close, there are some things I want to accomplish. I also want to set some goals for next year and that partially includes being more faithful to keep up this blog. In the back of my mind, I know you understand. You're caregivers - I know you "get it."

I know you understand the tired that is beyond exhaustion that transcends body and soul. You understand ongoing grief the rest of the world often condemns us for - telling us to just get over it. You know what I really mean by having a too full plate because you are probably juggling just like me. Maybe even more than me!

Emotionally I've been spent. I don't do well with changes and in the last few months we moved (which was a good thing) and that changed literally everything in my life and routines. Please forgive me for going MIA during the adjustment time. I think I'm back.

How did I get "back"? It's been a journey with much of it coming back together in the last week or so. I sat at the piano a couple weeks back and decided to sing. I didn't feel like singing. I felt abandoned. Alone. Worthless. Life-less. Broken. Maybe broken is the best word for it, but everything felt broken.

I pulled out my music books and dusted them off and started playing through some of the older stuff I used to play BC. In the middle of "I Need You More" I found a phrase. More than the song I sing.....I sang that phrase and let it hang there for a minute. At this point in my life, it was truer than any other time I'd ever sung it. Then I realized it had never been the song He was after. He really did want more than the song itself. He wanted me. Even in my most broken state - He didn't change His mind.

Before I knew it, I'd written a new chorus. I'll spare you the agony of hearing me sing it - but here are the lyrics.

It wasn't the song You were after
It was the pieces of my heart
Whether in tears or in laughter
You still want every single part...of me..
The broken...
The whole...
The parts I can't let go...
You still want me.

As I realized He still wanted me in my broken state - it brought a new kind of brokenness before Him. He accepts us just like we are - no matter how many pieces life has shattered us into. No matter how good of a Christian we think we are or are not - He still desires us and accepts us.

Today, I will meditate on how He hasn't cast me aside even though it feels like it sometimes. I'll turn my thoughts to His acceptance of me just like I am; broken. I'll try to keep my anxious thoughts at bay as I stay close to His heart and let Him carry me through one more day. Will you join me?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

But I Have Today

Do you ever have days that are just heavier than others? Of course, you do - who am I talking to? Saturday was Chris' 37th birthday. For some reason, it was unusually hard as I thought of where all his friends are today. You know, married, having kids, and enjoying their careers. I cried more than once that day. I grieved over what should have been, what could have been.  I hugged him a little tighter and thought about the progress he's made recently. The other night, I am certain he "sang" to me after I got him in bed. It was the sweetest thing and I posted it in his Facebook group where I share things I don't feel I can share as "publicly." He's moving more and initiating more of his movement on his own. There are many things to rejoice about. At the same time, I am getting older. My joints hurt and I wonder how much longer I can take care of him. I fear the day that I won't be able to. This is the way the rest of my life looks, and I am okay w

Living Grief

 As caregivers, many of us deal with daily grief and a constant sense of loss. Even though we don't feel these emotions all of the time, they do keep coming back. For me, mine is often sparked by seeing something on my Facebook feed. I'll see one of Chris' friends or a memory and it'll tip my emotional bucket right over. Living grief is one of those things the church doesn't know how to deal with. Well, honestly, who really knows how to deal with it? It's not just going to go away, now is it? :-) In some hyper-faith circles, grief is pretty much forbidden. Yet even under the old law, it was allowed room. If you lost a close loved one such as a spouse, parent, or sibling, you were given an entire year to mourn. Our culture allows a little time, but then we are expected to be back at work, back at church, or back to our daily lives after a very short time. We just keep putting one foot in front of the other. But living grief continues. When we deal with parents wh

The Best Meeting

  I know I've written quite a few times about Hagar, but her story intrigues me. I think I can relate to the rejection and loneliness she must have felt. In numerous devotions, I've talked about how God met her right where she was. She did have God "find" her twice. But there are other people in the scriptures that God met too. The list is a bit longer when we start thinking about how many times God met someone along the way. Twice He came and ministered to Hagar, He met Saul on the road to Damascus (Acts 9), He met Balaam and stopped him before he sinned against God (Numbers 22). Jesus went through Samaria on purpose  to speak with the woman at the well. He crossed two taboos in their time - going through Samaria and speaking to a woman! (John 4) He walked out to the disciples in a storm in Matthew 8. And the Angel of God came to Gideon when he was hiding from the Midianites in Judges 6. It's easy for today's religious thinkers to label these Bible characters