I know you understand the tired that is beyond exhaustion that transcends body and soul. You understand ongoing grief the rest of the world often condemns us for - telling us to just get over it. You know what I really mean by having a too full plate because you are probably juggling just like me. Maybe even more than me!
Emotionally I've been spent. I don't do well with changes and in the last few months we moved (which was a good thing) and that changed literally everything in my life and routines. Please forgive me for going MIA during the adjustment time. I think I'm back.
How did I get "back"? It's been a journey with much of it coming back together in the last week or so. I sat at the piano a couple weeks back and decided to sing. I didn't feel like singing. I felt abandoned. Alone. Worthless. Life-less. Broken. Maybe broken is the best word for it, but everything felt broken.
I pulled out my music books and dusted them off and started playing through some of the older stuff I used to play BC. In the middle of "I Need You More" I found a phrase. More than the song I sing.....I sang that phrase and let it hang there for a minute. At this point in my life, it was truer than any other time I'd ever sung it. Then I realized it had never been the song He was after. He really did want more than the song itself. He wanted me. Even in my most broken state - He didn't change His mind.
Before I knew it, I'd written a new chorus. I'll spare you the agony of hearing me sing it - but here are the lyrics.
It wasn't the song You were after
It was the pieces of my heart
Whether in tears or in laughter
You still want every single part...of me..
The parts I can't let go...
You still want me.
As I realized He still wanted me in my broken state - it brought a new kind of brokenness before Him. He accepts us just like we are - no matter how many pieces life has shattered us into. No matter how good of a Christian we think we are or are not - He still desires us and accepts us.
Today, I will meditate on how He hasn't cast me aside even though it feels like it sometimes. I'll turn my thoughts to His acceptance of me just like I am; broken. I'll try to keep my anxious thoughts at bay as I stay close to His heart and let Him carry me through one more day. Will you join me?