Oftentimes, we don't even realize our emotions are stretched to the max. Hindsight is 20/20 and I have learned over my caregiving years that it's okay to stop. It's okay to cry. (I don't think it does any good - but it does let you know your emotional cup is full and running over.) It's okay to say - that's all I can do today. And it is absolutely okay to tell others, no. It is also absolutely okay to ask for help. That is often the most difficult part of all for caregivers. (Where'd you leave that cape?)
This week I didn't realize how stretched my emotions were until I finally got out of the house to go see my aunt. She is physically doing okay but mentally seems to be fading. I visited with her for quite a little bit, took her some goodies from the store that I knew she would enjoy and came home. I had not made contact with my emotions at all when I found the house empty of everyone but me and Chris and headed to the piano. My heart was ready to just spend some time singing "thanks" to Him. For keeping me, for not abandoning me, for just being God.
As I approached the piano, I remembered that it is my aunt's and it was like all of why we have it here to begin with hit me. She no longer plays it. I sat down and played through tears that I didn't try to hold back. As I was giving it all to Him - releasing it all through singing, I ever so gently felt Him say, I'll never let go of you. It was more of a sense than a voice, maybe an impression filled with the peace of knowing He won't let go no matter what I walk through.
While I was singing and rejoicing in His keeping power, I realized I felt the same way about Chris and Ronella. They both face different struggles, of course. But I will never let go of either of them. I'll walk through each fire, swim through each flood, and ride the waves with them no matter what they face. And God is just that determined to be with us. I began to sing it to Chris - "I will never let go of you, my child. I will never let go of you!" Then I saw his reflection in the piano. He seemed to be listening. Maybe he really heard me this time.And maybe God hopes I really heard Him this time too.
Today, my thoughts will be on His intent to never let go of me. I'll think about how it never gets too hot, too difficult, too tiring, too anything. He won't quit and walk away. He will never let go of me. My meditations will be on His ever-abiding presence and I'll try to picture myself curled up in His arms letting Him hold me today. I'll rest right there - will you join me?