Thursday, April 11, 2019

Ups and Downs

I've discovered that caregiving is a long series of ups and downs. Some battles are won and others are lost. The real battle is dealing with the emotions during the downs. I also know these hills and valleys can come in waves right after one another often in just a day, or an afternoon. It's crazy. So, what are we to do when it starts looking like we've lost a few of them right in a row?

Firstly, as caregivers, we know there is no quit. No time for that for sure. So we just keep putting one foot in front of the other as we wipe our eyes. There isn't a good place to stop and life ain't gonna wait for us to get it together now is it?

It's just the way it is, and we must accept it. Or do we? I'm thinking there's a balance between dealing with the hand life deals us each day, hour, or moment and trying to keep our heads above water. For me, I have to deal realistically with whatever my son will do in a given day without drowning. It may just be me. There's got to be a place between hope and dealing with daily harsh realities. Doesn't there?

What do we do when our heart begins to sink? I turn to what's familiar to me - the Psalms. Immediately I think of Psalm 13 where David starts out with some raw emotions and ends with a declaration once again.

How long O Lord? Will You forget forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and hear me, O Lord my God;
Enlighten my eyes; lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest my enemies say, "I have prevailed against him!"
Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

But I have trusted in Your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

Just like David, I feel surrounded by an enemy poised to consume my soul. It feels like God doesn't see or hear even though I know the truth. As my thoughts become prayers, they must also be turned into declarations. Maybe I can't change today...But I do have a "but" - I have trusted and I will continue to trust in His mercy no matter what. 

I will sing to the Lord - because of how He has dealt with me. 

Today, my declaration is one of reaffirming trust in Him one more time - even if just for today, an hour, this second. I will declare what I have seen Him do - even if I am not seeing anything right now. I will declare He is still my God - and I'll give it all to Him one more time while I try to remember to breathe. Will you join me?

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