Tuesday, May 14, 2019

What if I Break?

As I type this, I’m sitting in the hospital ER with my aunt. Unexpected disruptions are common occurrences and just part of the caregiving journey. It can certainly seem like just about the time you feel you can handle it and at least the most pressing is under control... something topples it all over and you’re pressing to get a Pandora’s box closed and everything re-contained. Sometimes we learn how to roll with the everyday punches and adapt. Other times, it’s not so easy. Sometimes I wonder if I will break.

What if I do? What I’d I don’t?

As is my custom, I turn to the Word for an answer to my question. Funny how He never disappoints. Since I’m using my phone (which btw is difficult for old ladies), I do a quick search for “shaken.” I want to think I’m unshakable, but I certainly know I’m not. Any of us can break or shake under pressure. That’s why we must rely on Him for our existence. Our breath. One second at a time.

I found what I was looking for in Psalm 62. The first two verses say this:

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:1-2 - NLT. I think maybe I keep forgetting to “wait quietly” before God. I can wait. Impatiently mostly. And I’m pretty chatty! Lol. So I remind myself to wait- and do so quietly. Quietly trusting Him for just this moment.

I read the psalm out loud to my aunt. We stop on verse 5: Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. NLT  That is what I needed to hear right here in this place of brokenness. Let all that I am..... and all that I am not...wait on Him.

And with that, today, I will silence my crazy all over the place thoughts, my aching heart, and my fears and quietly wait. I won’t stress over missed or behind work, not being with Chris while I’m caring for my aunt, or anything else. I will let the world pause and I will pause with it. Because my hope is in Him and not in any of these other things. As I pause, I will trust Him for today and trust that He has me broken or not.


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